Latest / Aging Parent TrapX / What to Expect When your Parent Moves to Assisted Living
Transcript
- Nikki Elite Prep Services: I don't have kids, but I do. They're just senior kids. Allison Newlon: Ha ha ha make If you are a Gen Xer with senior parents and you are trying to help them navigate these years in their life and it's kind of driving you a little bit crazy, you are in the right place. This is the Aging Parent Trap X podcast and YouTube channel. My name is Alison Newland. I am the broker owner of Platinum Properties of Florida in the greater Tampa area. I am here with Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Okay. Allison Newlon: my friends and colleagues, Nikki Flynn with Elite Preparation Services. And Julie Cook with Generational Transitions. And what we are talking about today is what happens after we get our parents moved into their independent or assisted living memory care facility. What happens next? What should we expect? What should they expect? And what are the things that we I will share some of my own personal experiences with what I've seen happen with my mom. But what should we expect? What are the phone calls like? What are the meals like? What's going on at the assistant living, independent living facilities? And I'm actually going to throw this over right over to Julie Cook. She is with Generational Transitions, which I mentioned before, and she helps people find their memory care facility, assistant living facility, independent living facilities. So she's the one that helps you find those facilities for your parents. So Julie, tell us what people should expect. And we can be kind of broad and we can narrow it down to us as Gen Xers, them as the the aging parent. What should we expect? Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: So that's a great question. And the answer is it varies as much as you can imagine the expectations. And Allison Newlon: No I bet. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: here's why. We talked, for instance, Allison, about your mom fell and suddenly everything was up in the air and she needed to go to a place for her safety to an assisted living community where she had some help. So that's Allison Newlon: Right. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: going to lead to one set of expectations. I was thinking I had a neighbor who her husband was not well. And she had confided in me that when her husband passed, she knew that he was gonna pass, that she was moving into an independent living community. She already knew the community, she had friends there, and as much as she was struggling dealing with her husband's illness, she was very relieved that she had a plan in place that when that happened, she knew what she was doing, her family knew what she was doing. And so, as you can imagine, that leads to a very different set of expectations. Allison Newlon: Right. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: So a lot of it starts there. How do we get... And so when I meet people, that's where I really like to start, is tell me your story. How did you get in front of me to start with? Because that kind of leads us on the path of where we're gonna go. The other... Allison Newlon: Right, because if you if everything gets turned upside down you know, and one week you're living in your house by yourself and the next week you're talking about never ever going back to your house that you've lived in for forty years and moving into an assistant living facility, that's a whole you're gonna have a whole different mindset. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Totally different. Allison Newlon: yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah, yeah. And then of course, and then you have the family's expectations on top of that, where if like my neighbor, you have somebody who's like, I've already made this decision, this is what I wanna do, I know where I wanna go, it's inside my budget, here's why I wanna do it, it's set in stone. Where if you have somebody who has fallen and now you've got the family kind of scrambling trying to make decisions, or we talked just a minute ago about... widows and widowers and oftentimes that's something where they're just lonely. It may not be a safety issue but they're not used to being by themselves. Maybe it's more of a safety issue of I need community, I don't like being in this house by myself or I just want out of this house, this is where my loved one passed and I Allison Newlon: Mm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: need a new start. So all of those lead to very different expectations. Now the other thing I'll say before we go on, to, I like to call it the first 30 days, which is always a Allison Newlon: Okay. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: very interesting time, is our company actually would help seniors. We don't anymore, unfortunately, but we would help with the physical move. So we had a team that would come and that brought its own set of unique challenges because you're dealing with seniors. And so the ability to pack themselves, wrap items, decide this comes with me, this doesn't come with me, that's a whole, whole nother situation. you know, that you have to deal with. And so that's something when your parents are talking about or when you're looking that direction, that's something that you need to consider. When you move to assisted living. No, go ahead. You don't have as Allison Newlon: Right, because you don't have as much space, you know, and Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: much space and oftentimes the community will give you measurements of, know, here's the dimensions of the apartment that you're looking at. That's cool. But oftentimes until you get everything in there. you're not going to know what's going to make it. A good rule of thumb is if it's important to you, try and take it. Knowing that once you get there and start moving stuff around, you need a plan B for some stuff. This stays. If I have to sleep on top of this cabinet, I want the cabinet. OK, cool. This I would really like to have with me if it doesn't fit my grand niece. I would like for her to have it. Great. So we'll try it. We got a plan. If it works, cool. If it doesn't. We have a backup plan, but you want to take your own personal belongings. So it feels like home. want every family photos, your favorite chair. You may have to downsize, but you want to take the things that are important to you. Allison Newlon: So let's talk about the positive things in those first thirty days that someone could Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: expect their parents to experience. And and and Nikki, jump in 'cause I know that I saw you like mention or not mention I saw your face when we talked about the personal belongings, by the way. Like you you have you have a storage unit full of those right now that belong to your mom and dad. Yeah. So Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah, and my office that got taken over by boxes Allison Newlon: No. Nikki Elite Prep Services: and bags Allison Newlon: Right. Nikki Elite Prep Services: and all the things. Allison Newlon: So you're thinking about it in advance because that has not happened. You haven't had to make that decision yet, but it it is something looming over you that you know you're gonna have to address eventually. Yeah. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah, yeah. I mean there's there's multiple levels. I mean for one is like when that time comes and she does pass then then what do I do with all of her stuff? And then the other option is what do I do with dad? Because Allison Newlon: Yeah. Nikki Elite Prep Services: i him not having her is gonna be very hard. Very hard. So and I mean, not to sound selfish, but that's it's going to be harder on me because I'm gonna have to kind of fill that void a little bit more. And I mean, it's already hard now. It's gonna get just ten times worse. So I I keep reverting back to like taking care of a child. Like it's gonna be back to infant stage where you have to watch them, you have to spend time with them, you have to keep them busy, you have to be paying attention to what they're eating and what they're doing. Like it it's all the things. So I'm I like w I mentioned earlier, I'm definitely interested in how possibly I can approach this conversation and Allison Newlon: about going to a f assisted or even an independent living for him. So okay, back to the good positive things that one could experience in one of yes. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. So here's the great part. I tell folks, the first 30 days is a lot of transition going on. Communities are fabulous in connecting new residents with like an ambassador, somebody whose personality and maybe similar interests so that they have someone who shows them when is dinner. I'd like to go play bingo. I don't want to go sit by myself. So you start to make these connections early on and you have somebody who is a similar interest to you to kind of help show you the ropes. So that's something great to look forward to. The next thing is activities. There's always something going on and you have, it's almost like a cruise ship. If you've ever been on a cruise, There's always something going on and you have the option. I want to go participate in this. No, I want to take a nap. Either way is good, but you have the chance to do that. And so in the first 30 days, there's a lot of a lot of changes. Allison Newlon: Mm mm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: And so I tell everybody that I meet, we're going to roll with this for the first 30 days. You're going to meet new people. There's going to be some stuff you don't understand. There's going to be some stuff you love. And we just learn the ropes. It's something brand new. Anybody who moves. It's new, it's changes. And so when you put a senior in that situation, all the more so. But they're gonna get a chance to meet new friends, have new activities, new experiences, all of that, especially if it's assisted living, with the help. I tell folks, it's help you need when you need it. You're as independent as you wanna be. However, if you need help, you've got somebody there. If it's in the middle of the night and you fall. somebody is there to help you. That's the peace of mind that comes with being inside of a community. The other thing is when you have somebody like Nikki's family who's independent, they can be completely independent, drive, not drive, do their own thing, but they can age in place. So while they may move to a community as independent, perhaps down the road, they might need assistance with taking their medication, knowing what to take. when or maybe they get confused. No problem, we've got help for that. Maybe they need assistance with getting their socks and shoes on. It's getting harder to bend down and do that. They can help with that. And then sometimes it may be a little more advanced. Maybe they need assistance taking a shower. Maybe they need assistance using the restroom. Different things like that. They have all of that right there, but still as independent as they want to be. So they can still, the things that they can do on their own. they can do. I think that's so important for seniors to know that it's not like everything has to be done for me. I have no control over anything. No, a care plan is designed with you and with your family members. So we know your likes, the things you don't like, the things you might need help with, the things you absolutely want to do on your own. So you have a lot of say in how involved others are in your day-to-day life. Allison Newlon: So then Maybe it when you drop your parents, it's kind of like dropping them off at college. But a little different, right? Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Allison Newlon: And my mom didn't go to a college. So she never had that experience as a young adult. She just went from high school to working in a secretarial pool, right? 'Cause that's the age that she was. And that was the time, you know, that's how things kinda were where she was. but it it it's kind of like dropping them off. and we know there's more involved than that, right? But if you don't hear from them very often, that's a good sign. I mean, you know, just like a Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Mm-hmm. Allison Newlon: college student, when you don't hear from them very much, like you're nervous about it, but you know them they're they're probably you know, I'm not saying don't check in with them and don't have a call with them, but if they're not calling you complaining about something, then it's probably going pretty okay, would you say? Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And that's the whole point is you want them to get acclimated. It's a new setting, but you want them to get acclimated, to make friends, to get in a groove with activities and things that they can enjoy. It's about peace of mind and it's about quality of life. I want to go have fun. A lot of these folks have worked their whole life and now it's time, you know what, if I want to go on a weekend trip somewhere, they're going to the casino, cool. If I want to go out to dinner and go to a show, cool. You know, now it's my time to have fun. Allison Newlon: Yeah so but you say all these things. Now I know that the facility that my mom's at, I don't think they do those things that you just mentioned. So where do we find these fun places for our parents? 'Cause I think Nikki's stepdad Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: They're, yeah. Allison Newlon: might like one of these places that you've mentioned. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: And so that's where when you're considering a senior living community, whether it's independent, assisted, or even memory care, it's so important to do an in-person tour. That's where you really get a feel for the community. You get a chance to see it in person and find that activity calendar. Because there's going to be some stuff that happens, for instance, bingo. Most places, that's an everyday occurrence. It's right in the community Allison Newlon: Every day. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: every day. Then there's other stuff that happens like once a week. Most communities have some kind of a shuttle bus and Wednesday seems to be usually the shopping day and we're going to Publix and we're going to Walmart and we're going to Target. Sign up, jump on the bus, go shopping with your friends, come right back. But then there's also special weekend things that they do. I've seen trips to Hard Rock Cafe, to the casino to go gambling. I've seen overnight trips where they take a one night getaway, you know, with folks who are able. Obviously, care needs are factored in, but there's a lot of these things that are great opportunities for seniors. So definitely when you give me a call or if you call a community directly, you want to take a look at that activities calendar, see what they have and see how that matches your loved one. Are they somebody who's going to want to stay close to the community or do they like to get out and do those kinds of things? Allison Newlon: Yeah. I I would I Nikki Elite Prep Services: Good to know. Allison Newlon: I I I feel like when you're getting the tour you're getting, you know, the song and dance, right? The you know, everybody's on their best bit. Hi, how are you? Blah blah blah. You you know, the tours are happening when the the dining area is full, the bingo is getting ready to start. Maybe they're decorating the craft tree or whatever, because it you know, there's times when you go and it's like you could hear a pin drop. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yeah, I always I can't say always I often suggest take a tour Close to a meal and ask if you can have a meal during the tour Oftentimes I schedule tours around lunch that way you get to see the dining room in action you get to try the food and Nine times out of ten when I'm with someone on a tour They want to talk to the people that live there and the folks who live there will tell you straight So you'll know Allison Newlon: Yeah. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: exactly you know I want to know about the food. this how the food usually is? Are they doing something special because I'm here? What about the activities? Have you done anything fun? Ask those questions because you'll get very honest, very transparent answers. And that's the point. As much as they want the tour to be good and everything to look great, you don't want somebody who's going to move in and then want to move back out. Side note, most communities, if that your loved one decides that they need to transition somewhere else, you can give 30 days notice and move. So you're not locked Allison Newlon: Right. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: into a long-term lease. Allison Newlon: Which that is very nice 'cause it yeah. Mhm. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: It is, it is. But obviously nobody wants to have to move their loved one and the loved one doesn't wanna move. Once they make a decision, they want to stay put. So that's where I think having those conversations with people who live there, find out how long they've lived there, what do they like about it? All of that is really valuable. Allison Newlon: So it seems like Nikki, are you ready to take a lot of lunch dates with your stepdad in the future? Nikki Elite Prep Services: Well, he's got one requirement and they have to have young, pretty girls. Otherwise I am not getting him to step foot into the on the property. It won't happen. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: That is funny and not surprising. Nikki Elite Prep Services: And my sister and I have had that conversation too. Like she's like, you know, that's the Allison Newlon: So Julie Nikki Elite Prep Services: only way you're gonna get dad into a facility is you know, just tell him there's young pretty girls there. I'm like, Yeah, but he has to see them. We can't just say they're there. He has to see them. Allison Newlon: Well So Julie, it looks like you might have your work cut out for you, finding the perfect facility in the future for Nikki's Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Allison Newlon: stepdad. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Yes. Allison Newlon: does anything you know, just keep that in the back of your mind. But is there a facility called We Have Young Pretty I mean, that sounds a little I mean that could, you know, that Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Ha ha! Allison Newlon: could be triggering to a lot of people in this climate today. Nikki Elite Prep Services: Mm. Allison Newlon: because we yeah, we better be. careful how we phrase that, but you know I guess you can't really say pretty young girls work here because Nikki Elite Prep Services: Yeah. Allison Newlon: it could be a whole different facility that he ends up in. Establishment. Maybe establishment I I should say. Julie Cook, Generational Transitions: Well, that's true. Probably not, probably not going to be on any marketing material, but hey, that's the benefit of the in-person tour. You can answer that question yourself. Allison Newlon: That's right. So if you have any if you if you are a Gen X or trying to help your aging parent find a facility, Julie is the person to contact. Her contact information will be in the pinned comment below, as well as Nikki's information and my information. Nikki helps people with wills and trust. I help people with the family home that you had to move out of. thank you for watching.