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Why Is It So Difficult To Get Rid Of Toxic People? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening that you've chosen to tune in here, I just want to say thank you.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for taking the time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: And today I want to talk about toxic people and how and why letting go of them can be so difficult.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: In my coaching practice, one of the things that seems to pop up a lot because the just by nature of the work that I do, one of the patterns that shows up is the overgiving and overfunctioning, and that oftentimes can lead to toxic dynamics with certain people.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: And having a relationship with a toxic person is most often going to be dysfunctional and somewhat destructive for the individual.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: But it can also be really hard to let go of those toxic people, even though your cognitive mind knows that you should let go and move on.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because toxic people bring this sense of negativity and harm and just ickiness, for lack of a better word, into your life.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: And they also use things like manipulation and control.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes it includes emotional abuse and sometimes verbal abuse.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: However, there's still, for some reason, it feels like there's still this pull, right?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: There's this pull to just stick with them.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: So what what's going on?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: What's happening there?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: So when people decide to stay in toxic relationships, it can honestly be for a variety of reasons.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes there is uh a mix of love, like there's an actual, there's still love there.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: There's sometimes it's fear, sometimes it can be obligation, uh, it can be challenging to let go of toxic people.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: And oftentimes with toxic relationships, a trauma bond is has been formed.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: And it's difficult for people to let go of that or to step out of it because it becomes a known pattern.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: It becomes almost conditioned behavior.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Uh you might find yourself in, you know, knowing that maybe a parent is really toxic for you.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: The way that they show up is really emotionally immature.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, maybe it is somewhat narcissistic, maybe it's just, you just know that it's not healthy for you.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yet there's also part of you that says, They're my parent.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I can't leave them.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: So there's a complexity in it too, of how do you, how do you navigate those toxic relationships?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oftentimes there's a psychological grip, right?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so what I mean by that is that these relationships are grounded in some type of dependency, usually some type of an emotional dependency.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: There obviously can be some manipulation and control, but toxic individuals commonly will use some type of manipulation tactic, like gaslighting or guilt tripping.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: They might utilize isolation or hoovering to try to trap the other person into that pattern of self-doubt or insecurity, which then leads to that person continuing to stay in that dynamic.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because what has ensued within that, with the person on the receiving end of that manipulation is a lack of self-trust and a lack of um belief in oneself.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: And that unhealthy relationship and dynamic can lead to this cycle of emotional dependency, where the person who's on that receiving end almost subconsciously feels like they need that other person.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: And what uh what results from that, of course, is the self-esteem of that individual goes down, their confidence in themselves, they have the fears rise, the distort the distortion of the like what is reality might start to ensue.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, their own ability to feel like they can maybe survive on their own might make it more difficult.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: So, some common red flags to look for with a toxic person is one is manipulation, you know, use somebody's use of guilt tripping or emotional blackmail or um gaslighting can absolutely make the other person feel uh doubtful about themselves.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the idea of mind games or even covert communication.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know, for instance, watching a show together and they make comments about the show with that covert um sort of dynamic of like saying to the other person, like this is how you are, but utilizing the show as the example, that would be a form of manipulation.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Constant negativity, a toxic person consistently brings negativity into the life, right?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Into the fold where they're constantly either in a place of judgment or telling you what's bad or what's wrong with you, those are some red flags to pay attention to.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: The violation of boundaries, when you have set a boundary and the other person not only violates the boundary, but then disrespects you for setting the boundary or tries to belittle you for setting that boundary, that's an absolute red flag.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you've set a boundary and somebody starts to belittle you or demean you, that's not them just uh not honoring your boundary, it's also disrespecting your boundary and it's disrespecting you as an individual.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Constant drama, a toxic person will constantly have drama.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Constantly something is going wrong.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody usually is hurting them or doing something to them, so that can be a red flag as well.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Feeling depleted.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: That's an internal check, right?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: When you constantly feel depleted when you're in relationship with this person, it could be a red flag that that person is toxic because what that's saying is every time that you're in communication or relationship with this person, you're feeling stressed out, which leads to emotional drain.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: Lack of support and reciprocity is when you're showing up and you're giving and you just do not receive it on the other hand, on the other end, right?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're happy for their successes, and when you share success, they're just like, oh, that's nice, and I did this.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you if you are sharing um a stressful situation, they'll just simply say, Oh, you'll figure it out.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: There's not uh there's not support.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas if they come to you with a situation where you're they're needing support, you're there to listen and to offer whatever insights you have.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: And then blame shifting, which is another red flag with toxic people when they don't take responsibility for themselves and they every time it's your fault, or they start to paint you as the one who's constantly the victim, or they start to paint you as the one who's constantly um shifting blame.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Usually it's the person, you know, that when they start it's projection that happens.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: So it's just to pay attention to that as well.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: And when we're in these dynamics with people, it can often lead to increased stress and anxiety and self-doubt, like I mentioned before, but it also increases self-criticism, it increases the self-gaslighting that happens.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: And when that happens, it leads to a lack of self-worth, a lack of self-acceptance.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: You start to question your own abilities to do things, your own abilities to maybe succeed, which can lead to other things, not just like not just anxiety, but depression.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_01: It can lead to substance abuse, it can lead to things like eating disorders and other situations.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: It can lead to physical ailments because of the chronic stress that you're under.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: And when you're under this constant criticism or constant toxicity, it leaves you drained and insecure.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: And so when you're letting go of toxic people, it really is for your own well-being, but it can also be extraordinarily scary because again, when you're in the dynamic, it becomes a known quantity.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: And letting go of that is scary and it's unknown.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And also if they're toxic, there could be a fear around how they would respond to that situation.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: So what do we do?
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: Well, part of it is learning to navigate the fear, learning to navigate the fear of the change, learning to navigate the fear of what what it could look like.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's it's naming the fears and figuring out, you know, what it is that you're most scared of, and then prioritizing your own self-care through that process.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Part of it includes setting some boundaries and as much pushback as you get, and as uncomfortable as it is, holding firm with those and being consistent with their implementation because you know that it's for your own your own good well-being.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, oftentimes when you set those boundaries, you could be villainized for not taking what you used to take, and somehow you become the evil one, and instead it's knowing that you're not.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: You're actually taking care of yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, knowing that there is a necessity for you to work towards uh your own growth and re-engaging with your uh your self-growth process, re-engaging with your needs, re-engaging with your core values.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Letting go of the toxic people in our lives can lead to improved health and emotional well-being.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it's important to give yourself permission because post-relationship, while you might struggle with insecurity and trust issues, as you continue to heal and you continue to surround yourself with people who are building you up rather than cutting you down, you can start to rebuild the trust in others.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: So, how do we do it?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Well, again, you gotta learn to implement some boundaries and some self-care techniques.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to, as you're setting those boundaries, to define them for yourself, communicate them, and then consistently hold them as much pushback as you get.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Self-care, paying attention to what those needs are, making sure that the needs are a priority, and finding ways to make sure that you have support in helping you uh honor those needs.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: Letting go of toxic people is not easy.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's actually very difficult when you've been in that dynamic for a long period of time.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it's important that we don't try to sugarcoat it and say that it's gonna be super easy.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: But it also could be the beginning of uh more healthy relationships for you in the future, but it also is the doorway to you becoming healthier for yourself on a physical and an emotional level.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: And it's important to recognize that you might end up going through a grieving process.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know, grief is not just the loss of a human being in terms of life, but when we have had relationships that we're letting go of, there is a grief process that happens with that as well.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: And knowing that there's not a normal time frame for that, you know, there's nothing like normal, there's no no such thing as normal grief.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: There's just your process.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so allowing yourself to heal through that is really important because in the aftermath of coming out of a toxic relationship, there's there is the need to heal and giving yourself a lot of grace and self-compassion through that, finding people who can help support you in that and to continue to help you realign and re-engage with yourself is going to be vital.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you are coming out of a toxic relationship and would like to talk about how coaching could help support you in that, by all means feel free to reach out.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Or if you'd like to talk about how coaching could help you in any aspect of what you're going through in your life, please feel free to reach out at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.