Latest / Harder Than Life / Suppressing Your Feelings is Physically Poisoning Your Body ft. Dr. Elena Eustache

Transcript

Suppressing Your Feelings is Physically Poisoning Your Body ft. Dr. Elena Eustache · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  Why is there seven more times heart attack in men and stroke than women?
• 0:04
  Because you guys don't share.
• 0:05
  They shut down or they lash out.
• 0:08
  If you numb and suppress and deny, you're just gonna blow up or give yourself a heart attack or stroke.
• 0:14
  Every man needs to recharge too.
• 0:17
  Even a beta man who is more one task oriented and alpha are more creative.
• 0:23
  Unhealthy man would not be coachable because he knows it all.
• 0:27
  And when someone walks in and tells you, I don't have any problem and I know it all, you know you're going to sit there for a long time because it's the first step of denial.
• 0:37
  I hate denial.
• 0:38
  It just feels like victim deflection.
• 0:42
  What do you say to somebody like that?
• 0:44
  You are not in enough pain to change.
• 0:46
  When you get in enough pain, come back.
• 0:49
  She has spent almost two decades in the rooms where the most successful people on earth admit the one thing they cannot buy.
• 0:55
  She has a doctorate in psychology.
• 0:57
  She matches people the rest of the world only week out.
• 1:01
  Today, she gets into the five things every relationship actually needs.
• 1:05
  Why the wealthiest men she works with are the least healthy, and the red flag she checks before she will take a single client.
• 1:12
  She left communist Czechoslovakia at 14.
• 1:15
  She walked out of a marriage at 20 with nothing.
• 1:18
  She rebuilt the entire thing as a single mother in a language she can't speak.
• 1:22
  This is Dr. Elena.
• 1:24
  Welcome to Harder Than Life.
• 1:30
  Welcome back, everybody, to the Harder Than Life podcast.
• 1:32
  I got an amazing guest here who left Czechoslovakia.
• 1:36
  We were laughing about it's called the Czech Republic now at the age of 14.
• 1:40
  What did your grandfather tell you that set the whole direction of your life?
• 1:46
  He told me to learn languages because if you learn languages, it opens every door.
• 1:50
  My grandpa spoke 15 languages, so I tried to beat him.
• 1:54
  I used to speak 17, but now only 12 fluently, and I write nine.
• 1:58
  That is wild.
• 2:00
  I can barely speak the one.
• 2:02
  Thank you.
• 2:03
  So why do you think he wanted you to speak a bunch of languages?
• 2:06
  What benefit did he see in that?
• 2:08
  Because he said it's the best degree because when you speak languages, it opens door to every culture and it will open every door even if you're not qualified.
• 2:18
  And it really does because people really appreciate you in a different way when you speak their language and they really do much more things for you and are more friendly and open when you speak their language.
• 2:30
  You chose to become a master of the hardest language, the love language, which we're going to get into deep.
• 2:35
  But first, we got to take you all the way back to being 18 years old.
• 2:40
  You were married and you walked out over a basket of laundry.
• 2:45
  Yes.
• 2:45
  What were you actually seeing in that moment?
• 2:47
  Walk us through what happened.
• 2:48
  I walked away because I thought this is not my life.
• 2:52
  This is not my purpose.
• 2:53
  I don't want to be ironing some man's underwear.
• 2:56
  I want to be more in life.
• 2:58
  So I walked away.
• 2:59
  You obviously loved him at some point to marry him.
• 3:02
  But what's the backstory there?
• 3:05
  I think the backstory is because my dad was a Peter Pan and my grandpa was feminine narcissist, I tend to attract a lot of feminine men that wouldn't take care of me that I was taking care of.
• 3:18
  And I realized that's not the life I want to live.
• 3:22
  I want to be feminine.
• 3:23
  I want to have someone that nurtures me back and takes care of me.
• 3:26
  So Peter Pan and feminine are things we're going to get into in your book, How to Be Feminine.
• 3:31
  Both books, which I read, which is the funniest thing, me reading How to Be Feminine.
• 3:37
  I love it.
• 3:39
  And my girlfriend like, make sure you read that.
• 3:42
  It was very eye opening.
• 3:43
  But let's still keep going on the line of that your ex-husband, now ex-husband, told you that when you left, nobody else would ever marry you.
• 3:52
  And how long did it take for you to stop believing him?
• 3:55
  A few minutes.
• 3:57
  A few minutes?
• 3:57
  Yes.
• 3:58
  I mean, I knew what I wanted and I had a vision for my life.
• 4:04
  So I don't get intimidated because growing up in Eastern Europe, there was a lot of bullying.
• 4:10
  And Eastern Europeans are very tough.
• 4:12
  And my sister was the biggest bully in the world.
• 4:15
  So she really prepared me for life.
• 4:17
  And I always thank her for it.
• 4:19
  Is your sister still around?
• 4:20
  Yeah, yeah.
• 4:21
  She's actually here right now visiting me for two weeks.
• 4:24
  We are very close with my family.
• 4:26
  We talk every day.
• 4:27
  If I don't call one day, it's like Interpol.
• 4:29
  Why didn't you call?
• 4:30
  You call your other sister.
• 4:31
  You call your brother.
• 4:32
  Why didn't you call me?
• 4:33
  So we're very close.
• 4:34
  My sister was nine years older than me and she used to, she was so hard on me.
• 4:38
  She'd beat me up and make me tough.
• 4:41
  And then she'd make me do all of her homework.
• 4:42
  So I got smart.
• 4:43
  Yes.
• 4:43
  Those siblings are the best, aren't they?
• 4:45
  The best.
• 4:46
  Fast forward a little bit.
• 4:47
  You landed in New York and became a single mother.
• 4:50
  What did you have to become to survive that stretch of your life?
• 4:54
  Look, I grew up doing everything alone, so it wasn't really a stretch.
• 4:59
  It was just something I didn't plan, but you can throw me in the jungle and I'll figure it out.
• 5:05
  But obviously, you juggle with the energy of trying to be the mom, but also the dad.
• 5:12
  And that's why I discovered that you can't be both.
• 5:15
  You have to pick the energy because if I was the masculine energy and the feminine to my son, he wouldn't know how to be masculine.
• 5:23
  So when I had my son, I figured out that there was something off with me.
• 5:27
  And I learned I wasn't feminine because I was always overgiving, overprotecting, overcherishing, planning, deciding.
• 5:34
  So I was always in my masculine mode.
• 5:37
  So I had to learn how to be feminine so he would step into his masculine and be a masculine man that he is today.
• 5:44
  He actually bosses me around now.
• 5:47
  Keep going in there.
• 5:48
  You say two masculine people in the same house will kill chemistry.
• 5:51
  Break that down for the guy who thinks that sounds like nonsense.
• 5:55
  Because honestly, before I read How to Be Feminine, I thought it was nonsense.
• 5:59
  It is not a nonsense because masculine energy takes charge.
• 6:03
  Masculine energy leads, protects, provide, and cherish, makes decisions.
• 6:09
  And masculine energy often wants to be right, right?
• 6:12
  And makes the decision.
• 6:14
  So if there is too masculine energy, they compete too much.
• 6:18
  And they argue too much.
• 6:19
  And there is no peacemaker at home.
• 6:22
  The feminine energy is more the patient, passive, vulnerable.
• 6:26
  Now you want to cherish her feelings and ask her, hey, honey, I want to do this.
• 6:29
  How do you feel about it?
• 6:31
  But if you ignore her feelings, then you're also not being masculine, being selfish, which is feminine energy.
• 6:38
  But if two energies are masculine, they basically kill each other.
• 6:42
  They always argue, they always compete, they always wanna make decision.
• 6:46
  If two energies are feminine, they all talk about their feelings and nothing gets done.
• 6:51
  So you need the masculine and feminine energy in order to have polarity and spark and chemistry.
• 6:58
  And oftentimes when you meet a partner, the woman is very feminine in the beginning of the relationship.
• 7:04
  But sometimes when she's learned in life how to be masculine, she brings it into relationship and that's where you can start to butt the head.
• 7:12
  So to help your partner, instead of asking her, honey, what do you think and what you want?
• 7:18
  Ask her, honey, how do you feel and what is it that you don't want?
• 7:22
  Yeah.
• 7:22
  Because if you want her want list, you're not going to remember.
• 7:25
  It's so long.
• 7:26
  So if you want to get out of women, something specific, honey, what is it that you don't want?
• 7:31
  What is it that is your deal breaker that I should not do?
• 7:34
  And try to remember that because that's a much shorter list.
• 7:38
  And try to get her into her feelings because when she's in feelings, she's more relaxed.
• 7:43
  She's more patient.
• 7:45
  She opens up and is vulnerable and you get her into her feminine energy.
• 7:49
  Dr. Olena, how can...
• 7:51
  This is going to sound weird, but after reading all these books and I've deep dive into men.
• 7:57
  Yes.
• 7:57
  And, you know, it isn't, we were taught, I'm 50 years old, we were taught you couldn't show your emotions.
• 8:03
  You had to be machismo.
• 8:04
  You had to be the man.
• 8:05
  And, you know, don't ever let him see you sweat.
• 8:07
  Don't ever let him see you cry.
• 8:09
  All that's bullshit.
• 8:10
  Yes.
• 8:12
  How can a manly man like me, if you were coaching me, how would you coach me to get into my feminine more?
• 8:19
  Now, I'm not saying, gentlemen who listen to me, I'm not saying I'm going to go 80% feminine.
• 8:25
  But we have to be in our feminine a little bit.
• 8:28
  Yes.
• 8:28
  And the women have to be in their masculine.
• 8:31
  So how would you coach me?
• 8:34
  And what does that look like for the listeners to be more feminine, the males?
• 8:38
  You got to figure out whether you are beta or alpha.
• 8:40
  You're definitely an alpha.
• 8:43
  You picked that up that fast, huh?
• 8:44
  Yes.
• 8:45
  An alpha man is 40% feminine and 60% masculine.
• 8:51
  So if you don't tap to your feminine energy as an alpha, you're going to get yourself sick because you're...
• 8:57
  work on that feminine energy too.
• 8:59
  Your body needs it, right?
• 9:00
  And everybody needs to recharge.
• 9:02
  Everybody needs to rest.
• 9:03
  That's where the feminine energy comes in.
• 9:06
  Children are all feminine.
• 9:07
  They need to be nurtured.
• 9:09
  So it is healthy to give yourself little time and do every day three things that make you feel good.
• 9:15
  Because if you don't feel good, you're not going to do good.
• 9:17
  So every man needs to recharge too.
• 9:20
  Even a beta man who is...
• 9:23
  90% masculine and 10% feminine still needs to recharge, right?
• 9:28
  Beta men are more one task oriented and alpha are more creative.
• 9:32
  Every man needs to recharge into their feminine energy in order to stay healthy.
• 9:37
  Because if you numb and suppress and deny, you're just going to blow up or give yourself a heart attack or stroke.
• 9:43
  So it's really important that every day, every man, I know you're listening,
• 9:48
  do three things that make you feel good and three things to do good and that will give you a little balance that is so good i'm confused i must have read it wrong alpha man is 60 40 a beta man is 90 10 that sounds reversed wouldn't you think an alpha man would be more in their masculine or are you using alpha as a this is what we you'd want to be
• 10:13
  Alpha is someone we want you to be, but alpha man is more creative.
• 10:17
  They are multi-task, like Tony Robbins is an alpha, right?
• 10:21
  But George W. Bush is more beta.
• 10:24
  He's more one-task oriented.
• 10:26
  So there's nothing wrong between beta or alpha, it's just you gotta know which energy you have.
• 10:32
  And there is nothing worse than a toxic alpha like Jimi Hendrix.
• 10:35
  Because a lot of alphas, when they have that feminine energy, they don't know how to handle it.
• 10:40
  So they use a lot of drugs, alcohol, or substance more than beta.
• 10:45
  So it's very common.
• 10:46
  My dad is a typical alpha.
• 10:49
  So it's important for an alpha man to balance more their feminine energy than a beta.
• 10:55
  Because they really, really need it.
• 10:57
  That's interesting to me.
• 10:59
  How did you pick up?
• 11:00
  But I'm an alpha so fast.
• 11:01
  We've had five-minute conversation before the podcast.
• 11:05
  It's practice.
• 11:07
  I mean, I look at you.
• 11:08
  I've seen your podcast.
• 11:10
  I've seen stuff that you do in life, and you're definitely healthy, healthy alpha.
• 11:14
  Very conscious alpha.
• 11:15
  It's not my pink pants.
• 11:19
  You're not afraid to be, you know, in your feminine and masculine.
• 11:23
  You're not afraid to be vulnerable.
• 11:25
  You're not afraid to open your heart.
• 11:27
  And you're also not afraid to be a leader.
• 11:29
  And that takes an alpha man to step into their power.
• 11:32
  I think it was just because I have a daughter.
• 11:34
  She was my inspiration to be better.
• 11:38
  Yeah.
• 11:38
  Let's go into that a little deeper.
• 11:40
  A lot of men hear masculine and think harder, louder, more control.
• 11:44
  What are they getting wrong?
• 11:46
  So harder, louder, more control.
• 11:50
  is masculine energy.
• 11:52
  However, like I said, you have to balance it with the feminine too.
• 11:57
  And if a man wants to control, but he doesn't check with the feminine energy, how she feels about it, if she is comfortable about it, if she is safe, if he is not consistent, if he doesn't protect, provide, and cherish, he's actually not masculine.
• 12:13
  He becomes selfish and he can be narcissistic.
• 12:16
  He can be a feminine man.
• 12:18
  He can be Peter Pan.
• 12:20
  He can be a gigolo.
• 12:21
  He can be sugar daddy.
• 12:23
  And all of that is feminine.
• 12:24
  It has nothing to do with masculinity.
• 12:26
  Healthy masculine man doesn't always have to be loud.
• 12:30
  He also knows how to listen.
• 12:32
  He observes.
• 12:33
  He plans.
• 12:34
  He makes sure everybody's taken care of, but he takes care of himself too.
• 12:39
  He knows how to create healthy routines and ground himself.
• 12:42
  Because if you don't have oxygen first, how are you going to give oxygen to someone else?
• 12:47
  So healthy masculine man, there is nothing more attractive than healthy masculine man.
• 12:52
  And it is attractive and sexy if a man can be vulnerable, not over emotionally draining, but vulnerable and express what's going on on his heart too.
• 13:04
  In your book, How to Be Feminine, you talk about that.
• 13:07
  So can you keep going?
• 13:08
  Because we have a lot of male audience.
• 13:11
  And every single man that you ask, oh, of course, I'm alpha masculine or...
• 13:16
  Of course I'm alpha.
• 13:17
  Of course I get in my feminine.
• 13:19
  Of course I provide.
• 13:21
  But if that were true, divorce rate wouldn't be as high as it is.
• 13:24
  So can you go deeper into that and what that actually means?
• 13:28
  So sometimes men think that they are masculine, but they can be also people pleasers.
• 13:35
  And they never say no, and they let people walk all over them.
• 13:39
  And not having boundaries starts to make you feminine too.
• 13:42
  If a woman is disrespectful, if she bitch, nag, preach, moan, teach without permission...
• 13:49
  and it's constantly on top of you, and you don't set boundaries, then they walk all over you too.
• 13:54
  So masculine man will set healthy boundaries, will cherish the feminine's feelings, but also has boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, right?
• 14:03
  So there is always that balance where sometimes the good guys always end up last because they become feminine.
• 14:10
  They don't speak up for themselves.
• 14:13
  So it's important to cherish women's feelings, but it's important also to set boundaries that there is certain tone how you want to be talked to that you don't want to argue with your partner that you take that little break when you feel overwhelmed or upset that you can express your feelings, but you don't lash out onto your partner.
• 14:33
  So it's all about balance.
• 14:35
  Go deeper into that oversharing.
• 14:37
  So I think a lot of people, myself included, when I first started this, I thought if I just shared the deepest, darkest secrets.
• 14:46
  But there was part of it where I was like, dude, I'm not ready to share this.
• 14:50
  Yeah.
• 14:50
  So can you give me an example of people that you work with and what oversharing would look like when you're trying to be vulnerable?
• 14:57
  Oversharing is if you go anything past half an hour, you're making your partner a therapist.
• 15:03
  So it's okay to share how you feel.
• 15:06
  It's okay to express what's going on in your life.
• 15:09
  But you don't want your partner to become your therapist because then she has to step into the masculine role.
• 15:15
  And again, you kill the polarity.
• 15:17
  So share what's necessary.
• 15:19
  But if you need help with something emotional, you're going to be able to do that.
• 15:22
  It's better to hire a coach or a therapist or psychologist because it's not fair to your partner.
• 15:28
  Maybe they don't know how to handle that situation because they have load on themselves.
• 15:34
  Maybe it needs professional help.
• 15:36
  Maybe it's too heavy on them to find a solution and feel like your mother.
• 15:41
  So...
• 15:43
  It's okay to share, but don't go to the place where you're overwhelmed and you drain them every single day.
• 15:51
  There has to be a balance.
• 15:53
  I always say pity party is good for half an hour, and then put an alarm and try to go and do something for yourself.
• 15:59
  Pity party.
• 16:00
  Yes.
• 16:00
  You work with a lot of high achievers, CEOs, and people that are making a lot of money.
• 16:05
  What happens to a marriage when the man never turns off that CEO persona at the front door?
• 16:13
  It can kill the intimacy too because he doesn't care about the feelings of his woman.
• 16:18
  He doesn't make her feel safe with her heart because he's always in that strong go-go mode.
• 16:24
  So it's important before you walk home.
• 16:28
  to put some music, take a hot bath, go to the gym, do something to kind of get into the relaxed mode.
• 16:36
  Because if your woman had a sad day or your daughter or someone wants to share, you won't be able to hear them because you're in that go-go mode.
• 16:45
  I always say men have three modes.
• 16:47
  They have that masculine driven work mode, they have the playful mode and then nothing.
• 16:53
  And if you catch them in nothing or work mode, there is no one home.
• 16:56
  They should be a little bit in that playful mode, which is, in a way, a bit feminine.
• 17:02
  I have always said to everybody I've ever dated, just give me a second.
• 17:08
  Give me a minute when I walk in the door.
• 17:12
  I solve problems all day, every day.
• 17:14
  I don't want more problems when I walk in the door.
• 17:16
  I need a minute apiece.
• 17:18
  And I want to hear people happy.
• 17:21
  Even in a day was terrible.
• 17:23
  I just want to hear that the work that I just did was going to good.
• 17:27
  Yes.
• 17:27
  But give me a minute and then I'll snap out of whatever was going on and I'll leave it at the door.
• 17:32
  But if I walk in and I'm immediately met with more problems, more questions, more do, do, do.
• 17:38
  That's why I drank so much back in the day.
• 17:41
  Yes.
• 17:41
  It was give me that scotch and let me just shut off these feelings for a minute.
• 17:46
  But now I got to like right when I walk through that door, it's like I'm Superman taking off my cape.
• 17:52
  Well, this is why you might wanna take 10, 15 minutes and meditate before you walk to the door.
• 17:58
  You know?
• 17:59
  Listen to something.
• 18:01
  Get a massage before you come home.
• 18:03
  Go on the treadmill and run.
• 18:05
  Do that 10, 15 minutes activity.
• 18:07
  For women, I say like half an hour because we're much slower.
• 18:11
  So you can shake off that go-go mode and be a little relaxed.
• 18:16
  Also, I always give women tools before you go and throw all your problems on your man when he walks to the door.
• 18:24
  Tell him, honey, there is something sensitive I want to talk to you today about.
• 18:29
  When is a good time?
• 18:30
  Give him that little space, half an hour, one hour, two hours, 20 minutes, so they can switch from the work mode or from nothing into, hey, I need to listen.
• 18:41
  I need to be present.
• 18:43
  So it's not just for men, it's also for ladies.
• 18:46
  Make an appointment, even if it's 5-10 minutes, for the man to switch.
• 18:51
  Because when they're working at the desk, at the computer, or making that business call, they're in that business go-go mode, aggressive mode, going mode, and you cannot get the answer you want from them.
• 19:03
  So it's like, honey, I need to talk to you 5 minutes about something.
• 19:07
  When is a good time?
• 19:08
  The next 20 minutes.
• 19:08
  Okay.
• 19:09
  and you prepare him so he can hear you because they can switch like women.
• 19:13
  They're not multitask like women in a second.
• 19:16
  Their brain works different.
• 19:17
  What would you recommend that if he says, can we do this in the morning?
• 19:21
  Guys, I am a morning person.
• 19:24
  Yes.
• 19:25
  By the time I get home from work, my creativity and my energy is so drained.
• 19:31
  Yes.
• 19:31
  So I always, if it's something deep and sensitive, I usually say, can we do this in the morning?
• 19:36
  And then I've watched different partners say, no, no, no, I need this addressed now.
• 19:41
  What would your expert opinion or advice be if you were talking to a couple like that?
• 19:48
  If it's something that bothers the woman so much that she can't sleep, if she actually goes sleep, it's toxic for her.
• 19:55
  You can say, honey, I'm willing to hear you for five minutes if it cannot wait.
• 20:01
  And then can we find the solution in the morning when I wake up?
• 20:04
  So just for you to hear her, even not solve the problem.
• 20:08
  Most women don't want to even...
• 20:11
  solution they just want to be heard get a hug and said everything is going to work out i'll figure out the solution tomorrow just by you hearing her and tell her that you understand where she comes from even though you don't understand or don't agree honey i hear what you're saying and i understand where you come from
• 20:29
  Let me sleep on it and I will find a solution tomorrow.
• 20:33
  Everything is going to work out.
• 20:34
  I love you.
• 20:35
  You don't have to always have a solution.
• 20:37
  This is the problem a lot of men.
• 20:39
  You guys want to fix things.
• 20:41
  We just want to be heard and understood and validated that our feelings matter.
• 20:46
  You don't even have to find a solution.
• 20:48
  Sometimes you won't have a solution.
• 20:50
  You just have to hug her and say, I love you and I hear you and thanks for sharing.
• 20:54
  Even though it's the stupidest thing you've ever heard.
• 20:57
  You guys heard it first.
• 20:59
  You just shared it.
• 21:00
  Guys, go back and re-listen to that.
• 21:02
  That is extremely true.
• 21:03
  And a pro tip, and I'm surprised you didn't go there, is to mirror back what they just said and then say, did I get that right?
• 21:11
  It's wild how that works.
• 21:14
  You don't have to have any solution.
• 21:15
  I don't get it.
• 21:16
  Yeah.
• 21:17
  And again, I want you guys to understand all they want to be seen and heard.
• 21:21
  We do not have to solve the problem.
• 21:23
  And pro tip, watch your...
• 21:27
  What's the word I want to say?
• 21:28
  Watch your eye rolls and your body.
• 21:32
  So you just have to sit there stoic, listen, and regurgitate back to what she said, and then say, I see and I hear you.
• 21:40
  Did I get that right?
• 21:41
  And literally, that'll end it.
• 21:43
  It's so simple, but yet we don't do it.
• 21:46
  And is that the number one problem?
• 21:48
  Is that the number one challenge in relationships?
• 21:52
  It's just communication?
• 21:53
  It is communication because women don't want often to solve anything.
• 21:57
  They just want to be heard and understood.
• 21:59
  There you go again.
• 22:01
  I said it again.
• 22:02
  99% of the time we don't need a solution.
• 22:04
  We just want to be heard and validate that our feelings matter.
• 22:07
  I love the joke with Chris Rock.
• 22:10
  He said, you know, when the wife complains about the girlfriend, he said, I told you she was crazy.
• 22:15
  So just validating her, you know, with her words, that's all they want.
• 22:21
  And what yet do we do as the partner?
• 22:24
  Both sides do this.
• 22:25
  They invalidate what the other person is feeling.
• 22:29
  And what do you know that makes you feel less seen and less heard than telling you you're wrong?
• 22:34
  So I have a rule, never tell anybody wrong.
• 22:38
  It doesn't mean that there is no price tag, but I always tell someone, you have every right to say that, do that, or not do that.
• 22:46
  I'm comfortable with it, I'm not comfortable with it.
• 22:49
  There might be a price tag if you do it, but you don't make anybody wrong.
• 22:53
  So even if your child does something, you have every right not to listen,
• 22:57
  and not to show up at six o'clock as you promised, but the price tag is I'm taking the TV away or your phone is gone for one week if that repeats itself.
• 23:05
  What do you want?
• 23:06
  And you give them choices.
• 23:07
  So because you don't make them wrong, they are more willing to collaborate with you.
• 23:12
  If you make anybody wrong, man or woman.
• 23:15
  They shut down.
• 23:15
  They shut down or they lash out or whatever.
• 23:20
  role play through that for just a second so it hammers in because I see this all the time.
• 23:25
  I do it all the time.
• 23:26
  I do this in work too.
• 23:28
  So one observes something.
• 23:30
  So I observed that you must like pink because you came in in pink.
• 23:36
  And then you...
• 23:37
  Just because we're human, you go, no, I don't really like pink.
• 23:41
  I just grabbed this thing.
• 23:42
  And I just feel invalidated, unseen, and unheard.
• 23:45
  But yet we do it and don't mean to do it.
• 23:48
  Yes.
• 23:48
  Walk us through the healthy way of doing that.
• 23:51
  Don't invalidate people.
• 23:53
  And if you catch yourself saying sorry for the sake of peace is more important than being right.
• 24:00
  This is the biggest problem in a relationship, especially for women, because we are the peacemakers, right?
• 24:07
  And guys are like puppies.
• 24:09
  And if you're nice to them, they are trained puppy.
• 24:12
  If you're not good to them,
• 24:14
  They peel over.
• 24:15
  So men are not really complicated.
• 24:17
  They just want to feel respected and appreciated.
• 24:20
  And they'll clown the mountain for you, right?
• 24:23
  If they love you.
• 24:24
  So it's really not that complicated.
• 24:25
  But you don't want to make them feel wrong.
• 24:28
  And you don't want to use the word you, you, you, accusatory.
• 24:32
  If something doesn't sit with you, and this is the tools for men and women.
• 24:36
  Nobody likes criticism, but guys are very offensive because you get criticized a lot, right?
• 24:41
  And you want to be validated by a woman.
• 24:43
  Always give him three compliments and then tell him what situation doesn't sit with you.
• 24:48
  So, honey, I love you.
• 24:50
  You know I appreciate you.
• 24:51
  I want us to get along, but this thing doesn't sit with me.
• 24:55
  How can we fix it?
• 24:56
  Or can you please not do it?
• 24:58
  Now he doesn't feel like he did something wrong.
• 25:00
  It was just one situation.
• 25:02
  Also with your sons or daughters, you're a good guy, you're a good girl, but this moment, this situation doesn't sit with me.
• 25:09
  So they don't feel like a bad kid because the minute you judge someone, they don't wanna collaborate.
• 25:15
  The same thing for women, we are very sensitive.
• 25:17
  Honey, I love you, you're gorgeous and beautiful, and I love everything you do for me.
• 25:23
  But it would really make me happy if you wear that blue color.
• 25:26
  It looks so much better on you and elegant.
• 25:28
  So don't start with criticism.
• 25:31
  Three validation.
• 25:32
  Then tell her.
• 25:34
  Three compliments and then tell her.
• 25:37
  That's great advice.
• 25:38
  And remember, ladies and gentlemen, criticism and judgment,
• 25:43
  is the other person's perspective.
• 25:46
  So you may not think that you're judging, you may not think that you're criticizing them, but if they take it that way, it is.
• 25:54
  So you cannot argue with them.
• 25:57
  She says, I feel judged, or I feel criticized, or I feel like you're judging me.
• 26:01
  Just reverberate back to, so you feel judged, and when I say this, did I get that right?
• 26:07
  And it'll get you out of that argument, guys.
• 26:11
  It really works.
• 26:12
  So you can hear that I've done a lot of work on myself, but you've said over and over in all your books, you say that every wealthy man is healthy.
• 26:21
  What does an unhealthy, successful man actually look like when he sits down across from you to work with you?
• 26:28
  Unhealthy man would not be coachable because he knows it all.
• 26:35
  And when someone walks in and tells you, I don't have any problem and I know it all, you know you're gonna sit there for a long time because it's the first step of denial.
• 26:45
  My dad was the perfect example.
• 26:48
  He showed up after 25 years, a divorce with my mom, completely wasted in the court and said, I have never drunk in my life and felt drunk in the court and got divorced.
• 26:59
  So when you're in that denial stage, there is no change.
• 27:03
  But he's been sober for almost 14 years now, which is amazing.
• 27:07
  So there's hope for everyone if there was hope for my dad.
• 27:11
  So denial is really big one.
• 27:13
  I always say that denial is not a river in the Amazon.
• 27:17
  I hate denial.
• 27:18
  It just feels like a victim deflection.
• 27:23
  It is my number one turnoff.
• 27:27
  I hate it.
• 27:28
  What do you say to somebody like that?
• 27:30
  You are not in enough pain to change.
• 27:32
  When you get in enough pain, come back.
• 27:37
  gangster 80 of your clients are women why do men show up why do men not show up until uh it's already over because they are told to be independent strong not to show their emotion try harder feelings are you know in the old days you're not supposed to share your feelings so a lot of men don't know how to open up
• 28:03
  or how to communicate with love because nobody teach them at home.
• 28:06
  And they numb, suppress, and deny.
• 28:09
  Why is there seven more times heart attack in men and stroke than women?
• 28:13
  Because you guys don't share.
• 28:15
  It's all expressed through sport or being an athlete or fighting.
• 28:23
  frustration but you guys don't really nobody teach you in the school at least in the old days how to share your emotion feelings and how to process it it's just wasn't something that was normalized in the old days so a lot of men all the generation they just don't know
• 28:41
  I can only speak for me.
• 28:43
  I'm sure there's more like me, but I don't want anything solved either.
• 28:46
  I just want to know that she cares.
• 28:49
  Yes.
• 28:49
  And I want to be seen and heard.
• 28:51
  Yes.
• 28:51
  And you use the dog analogy.
• 28:53
  I'm literally that simple.
• 28:54
  Yeah.
• 28:54
  Pat me on the head, scrub, rush, rub my belly and give me a treat.
• 28:59
  Yes.
• 28:59
  And I'm happier than can be.
• 29:01
  Oh, yeah.
• 29:02
  You met my dog before.
• 29:03
  He's the happiest thing in the world.
• 29:05
  So I am so simple.
• 29:06
  I just don't like drama and chaos.
• 29:09
  I'll have any conversation you want, but at the end, we have to move forward.
• 29:13
  What's the most common reason a man who is winning at business is losing at home?
• 29:19
  Not having balance because you have three areas in life.
• 29:23
  It's work, yourself and relationships.
• 29:26
  And when everything goes to work and a little bit to yourself and nothing to relationships, it's not going to work.
• 29:33
  I always ask men, how many hours a month you spend working?
• 29:36
  Well, two, three hundred hours.
• 29:38
  How many hours a year do you do relationship coaching?
• 29:41
  Zero.
• 29:42
  Well, there is your relationship.
• 29:44
  If you don't have at least one hour a month to work on your relationship, how is that supposed to grow?
• 29:50
  So it's to understand that it's all about balance.
• 29:54
  You keep saying balance, and I think balance is a myth.
• 29:58
  This is just me talking because I don't think anything is balance.
• 30:02
  I think it is balance.
• 30:04
  equanimity where you have equal of everything and it has to start with the hard part which to me is emotional intelligence it's not working on relationship coaching it's work on your emotional intelligence because you're going to get triggered things are going to happen i tell people the most traumatic thing in your life if you haven't dealt with it it's showing up yeah
• 30:27
  So go work on that and then you're going to show up a more complete person.
• 30:32
  There's no balance in this life.
• 30:34
  It's full throttle.
• 30:35
  Go, go, go, go.
• 30:36
  But you keep saying balance.
• 30:38
  And I think balance is a myth.
• 30:40
  Well, working on your relationship doesn't have to be working on relationship just romantically.
• 30:45
  It's relationship with yourself, right?
• 30:48
  So you need to spend time with yourself, if you spiritual time with God and ground yourself and have routines that make you happy.
• 30:55
  Happiness is a progress every day.
• 30:58
  And in order to be happy, you have to have a healthy routines that make you happy.
• 31:02
  Everybody has a different routine, right?
• 31:04
  Some people pray, meditate, listen to positive podcasts, exercise, go fish, play the sport they like, whatever makes you happy.
• 31:13
  Because if you're not happy, you're not good to anyone.
• 31:16
  Yeah.
• 31:16
  I always say that money won't make you happy, but happiness will make you money and also make you live a good life.
• 31:23
  Yes.
• 31:24
  That's the second book that is happier than life.
• 31:26
  So you've said something and I'm going to go off on a tangent because...
• 31:30
  You say, work on yourself.
• 31:33
  And you quoted a number that we actually looked up when we read the book.
• 31:37
  First marriage divorce rate is 50%.
• 31:41
  Second marriage is 60 or 65.
• 31:45
  And then the third marriage is 75.
• 31:47
  Everybody has that flipped around and they think it's not because, oh, you've learned from your mistakes.
• 31:52
  Right.
• 31:53
  The reason you cited and everybody cites is because people just keep wherever you go, you take you with you.
• 32:00
  And you start off how to heal a broken heart with that.
• 32:03
  Yes.
• 32:03
  How to cure a broken heart.
• 32:05
  With people just take their shit with them and keep going into the next one.
• 32:09
  How do you encourage that in your teachings for people to go and work on themselves and do the tough thing, which I say it's actually simplest thing.
• 32:18
  This is my seagullism.
• 32:19
  Three yeses.
• 32:20
  Yes.
• 32:21
  Stillness, silence, and solitude.
• 32:24
  Show me somebody that's doing that and I'm going to show you a very happy person.
• 32:27
  Yes.
• 32:27
  And probably somebody that loves themselves, trusts themselves, and can be in relationship and is probably crushing it in business.
• 32:36
  Yes.
• 32:37
  So doctor, give us That was the Siegel approach Give us yours Well, it starts Again, it starts with you Working on yourself and Acknowledging where you're at Like when you're in your 20s
• 32:52
  You have so much patience.
• 32:54
  You know, when you're a teenager and you're in your 20s, people can't do anything and you forgive them and you still love.
• 33:00
  You have that puppy love.
• 33:01
  But then you get heartbroken and you have less patience.
• 33:04
  And every single person that comes in your life, the smallest thing triggers you and you're out.
• 33:09
  It's because you haven't worked on the baggage.
• 33:12
  So the first thing in relationship, you have to drop it, leave it, and let it go.
• 33:16
  You can't drag it with all these bags into the next relationship.
• 33:21
  Is that the truth?
• 33:22
  The trauma that I was talking about, the childhood trauma, the worst thing that's ever happened to you.
• 33:26
  Yes.
• 33:26
  So when you're saying drop the baggage, it's a lot easier said than done.
• 33:29
  Yes.
• 33:29
  It's going into the scariest, most awful thing that has happened to you.
• 33:35
  Yes.
• 33:36
  And really not healing it, integrating it.
• 33:38
  Yes.
• 33:38
  Yes.
• 33:39
  How do we do that?
• 33:40
  Why is it so hard?
• 33:42
  Because let's say you have a father that's not present and it's never home and you get raised by a single mom.
• 33:50
  Anytime man doesn't call or text you, you have panic attacks and anxiety and you feel abandoned because of your past.
• 33:58
  The same thing with the man, right?
• 34:00
  If the mom was always working and busy and the woman doesn't text, doesn't reply right away, it can trigger reaction.
• 34:08
  So whatever we live as a kids, we need to work on it.
• 34:12
  And if it comes up, express it to our partner.
• 34:15
  Honey, I know it has nothing to do with you, but when you don't text me for multiple hours, I feel like this.
• 34:21
  Can you work on it?
• 34:23
  It's to share it with your partner, but also work on it without you reacting to something that has nothing to do with the person in front of them.
• 34:31
  Thoughts are magical lies.
• 34:33
  What does it the commonality in social media would be like oh if they don't meet your needs They're not for you.
• 34:41
  So if you do that and you say would you not do that and they still do it What's your medical term for that if someone is not?
• 34:48
  consistent and they go hot and cold they're not ready for relationship because love is a commitment followed by decision and consistency is something we need whether it's a puppy whether it's a child but it's a relationship there has to be consistency clinginess and neediness is a different thing if you're a business person or a heart surgeon obviously you cannot text someone ten times a day but you tell them honey I'm going to the surgery I'm
• 35:14
  I'll be there eight, 10 hours.
• 35:15
  As soon as I finish, I'll be home.
• 35:17
  It's just communicating with your partner so they don't feel like you're ignoring them.
• 35:22
  They understand your daily plan or routine.
• 35:25
  But if you don't care about someone and you keep ignoring them, then maybe that person is not for you because if they were really into you, they would be consistent.
• 35:34
  Yeah.
• 35:35
  What do you say about your triggers, your responsibility?
• 35:38
  It's not your partner's responsibility, correct?
• 35:41
  It's not your partner's responsibility.
• 35:43
  It's something you need to work on.
• 35:44
  But if something is a deal breaker for you and you express it to your partner and they keep doing it over and over, maybe you're just not compatible.
• 35:52
  There's nothing wrong with that person.
• 35:54
  but they may not see or validate your needs, and they might not be the right person for you.
• 35:59
  But you can be triggered and constantly make them wrong.
• 36:03
  If you express something two, three times, and they deny it or don't want to do it, maybe it's not your person.
• 36:10
  So to me, the trigger is God's light of saying, this is what you need to work on.
• 36:16
  Yes, unless it's unethical, illegal, immoral.
• 36:20
  I can't believe you took so long for us to bring that up.
• 36:23
  You said that more times than I could, in both books.
• 36:26
  Yes.
• 36:26
  Unethical, illegal, or immoral.
• 36:28
  And it's literally that simple.
• 36:30
  Thank you for putting that out there, because it literally is.
• 36:33
  Unethical, illegal, or immoral.
• 36:36
  Yes.
• 36:36
  There's no, first when I read it the first time, I'm like, it's kind of vague.
• 36:41
  It's not.
• 36:42
  It's pretty freaking, it's pretty cut and dry.
• 36:44
  Yeah, it's very simple.
• 36:45
  So in those three cases, there might be no more negotiation.
• 36:50
  Anything else is negotiable.
• 36:52
  Unethical, illegal, or moral.
• 36:55
  You come, all of this started because in 2009, you cried for 10 days and could not feel your legs.
• 37:01
  Yes.
• 37:01
  What did you decide at the end of that?
• 37:04
  And tell us the whole backstory.
• 37:06
  I was lying on the floor.
• 37:08
  I cried for 10 days.
• 37:10
  I was going through something very, very hard at that time in my life.
• 37:14
  And I felt like I literally was going to die.
• 37:17
  My aunt had to fly from Canada and feed me with the spoon.
• 37:20
  I couldn't walk.
• 37:21
  I didn't feel my legs.
• 37:23
  And I heard a voice.
• 37:26
  you know, like a God's voice.
• 37:28
  And it's like, so what are you going to do?
• 37:30
  You have two choices.
• 37:31
  You can either die or be stronger than ever.
• 37:33
  And I'm like, stronger than ever, however it looks.
• 37:38
  And I have worked on myself since that day for the rest of my life and will for the rest of my life to be stronger than ever in every area, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially.
• 37:51
  Because it's really important.
• 37:53
  The only way you can win in life
• 37:57
  not to call it revenge, but to bounce back in life, is to be stronger than ever in every area.
• 38:03
  And some days you may not feel like it.
• 38:05
  Some days you may just need to sleep and have a nap and have a pity party and recharge because we all need that little Sabbath day where we do nothing and we spend time with God or we recharge ourselves spiritually, get the beauty sleep, so we're good for everyone else.
• 38:21
  But that's what it meant for me, stronger than ever, and I've never stopped.
• 38:25
  My amateur opinion of that is also the real alpha masculine man that you speak of.
• 38:32
  It is very hard for me to take those self-care days.
• 38:35
  But I've been doing it, and they're game changers.
• 38:38
  So listen to Dr. Elena here.
• 38:40
  She speaks from experience.
• 38:43
  And I get out and read these books.
• 38:44
  So what does an unhealed man cost the next person who tries to love him?
• 38:49
  A lot of pain.
• 38:50
  Ugh.
• 38:51
  Yeah, a lot of trauma.
• 38:54
  So a lot of men jump from relationship to relationship to relationship because they don't want to work on themselves.
• 39:01
  So it's the easiest way just to bond physically.
• 39:05
  But unfortunately, if you're not healed, you cannot properly love.
• 39:09
  And you may be next to someone amazing and they're missing out on love.
• 39:12
  You cannot be really intimate with them to the level that they deserve.
• 39:17
  You cannot understand them or hear them or be there for them.
• 39:22
  If you want love in life and people come with lists with 100 things on them, like how many things on that list are you?
• 39:30
  What are you bringing to the relationship?
• 39:32
  You want to be 10, but you're 2 or 1?
• 39:34
  Why would anybody who is 10 settle for you?
• 39:37
  So it's not that you always have to be 10.
• 39:40
  We go through stuff in life.
• 39:42
  But I always say if you're six on your worst day, Bill.
• 39:45
  But if you start to be two and one constantly and you're toxic, complaining, bitching, moaning, nagging, feeling like a victim, it's not going to be very attractive for someone who is 10 and has done all that work on themselves to rescue.
• 40:00
  We can't rescue someone.
• 40:01
  But if someone is in pain and they're willing to work on themselves, we're going to be 10.
• 40:05
  You can inspire them.
• 40:06
  We can show them the light.
• 40:08
  But a toxic person weights like a thousand pounds and healthy hundred.
• 40:12
  They're going to take you down in a second.
• 40:14
  So you can shine your light.
• 40:16
  And if someone wants it, you share it with them.
• 40:19
  But you can't rescue someone.
• 40:21
  I've always said like attracts like and I literally attracted every chaotic
• 40:28
  And I attracted healthy ones, but I wouldn't let the love in.
• 40:32
  So until you heal yourself, you're going to keep attracting the same exact person.
• 40:36
  So it is so worth doing the work.
• 40:39
  And if you just listen to Art of Life podcast, I have a bunch of relationship coaches on.
• 40:44
  I've had – you can go down the rabbit hole of YouTube.
• 40:47
  It's never been more available and prevalent.
• 40:51
  Now, there are some bad ones out there, so be very careful giving you bad advice.
• 40:59
  I've never said this before, but I like Andrew Tate, but he gives some really bad masculine advice.
• 41:06
  Yes.
• 41:07
  So I like...
• 41:09
  If you're really struggling and you're a, what do you call the man who just is a doormat?
• 41:16
  What is the one that gets taken advantage of?
• 41:18
  Is it Peter Pan?
• 41:19
  No, Peter Pan is a little boy that never grows up.
• 41:21
  It's more the feminine man.
• 41:23
  The good guy that always ends up last, too feminine.
• 41:27
  He doesn't speak up.
• 41:29
  Those are the ones that should look at the manosphere.
• 41:32
  But everyone else is doing much better.
• 41:34
  And what do you think that social media has an influence over?
• 41:39
  People thinking that the grass is greener on the other side or there's always so many options.
• 41:44
  How has that led to increased workload for you?
• 41:48
  I feel like people want to watch 10 movies at the same time, but you're not watching anything.
• 41:53
  You got to watch one movie at the time, right?
• 41:56
  So when you have 10 screens, you're not hearing or seeing anything.
• 42:00
  So when you have something good, water it.
• 42:03
  Don't run around and think that there is always something better.
• 42:07
  If she has 80% of the qualities that you're looking for,
• 42:11
  You have a bingo.
• 42:12
  And I always say men are a little bit more simple than women.
• 42:16
  So they usually look for chemistry.
• 42:18
  Men have to have chemistry and physical attraction.
• 42:21
  Someone who is respectful and appreciates you and values you, right?
• 42:26
  And maybe a woman that's a good cook or...
• 42:29
  that's a good mom they're not so complicated maybe she she has to be christian or jewish something with religion but they're not that complicated women need a little bit more they need some financial stability they don't want to be with a guy who sits on a sofa and does nothing and just serves all day and they also need someone who is emotionally healthy who validates their feeling and cherish their feelings is that the number one complaint amongst women validating their feelings
• 42:58
  Yes.
• 42:59
  Women could cheat emotionally, not physically, just because they never get validated for their feelings at home.
• 43:06
  It doesn't have to be physical.
• 43:08
  An emotional connection can be sometimes stronger than sexual.
• 43:12
  So if you want your woman to be available, give her compliments and attention.
• 43:17
  Every woman loves compliments and attention.
• 43:20
  Yes.
• 43:20
  And if she talks about her feelings, just say, thank you so much for sharing.
• 43:24
  Now I understand you better, honey.
• 43:26
  And give her a hug.
• 43:27
  You don't have to understand.
• 43:28
  Just say it.
• 43:30
  You guys are hearing the pro tip.
• 43:32
  Because I'm telling you, I'm going through this right now.
• 43:34
  And there's times where we're in couples therapy and I'm hearing these things.
• 43:40
  I don't understand.
• 43:41
  You don't have to understand.
• 43:42
  And you know what?
• 43:43
  That's what I learned.
• 43:45
  And it feels fraudulent.
• 43:49
  No, because you say, I understand what you're saying or I hear what you're saying and I understand now where you come from.
• 43:58
  That doesn't mean you agree or have to understand what it does to you.
• 44:02
  You just validate that you heard what she said and that you understand the words she said.
• 44:07
  You may not agree.
• 44:09
  The reciprocal, I want to talk about the reciprocal because there's a lot of guys are sitting here going, well, I'm a good man.
• 44:14
  I'm 80% good.
• 44:15
  What's the advice that you'd give to the women that are listening here that says you have a man who's 80 percent, but the validation isn't there?
• 44:22
  That wouldn't be 80 percent then, would it?
• 44:24
  Because 80 percent would probably be the validation.
• 44:27
  Most women love language is attention and validation, like compliments.
• 44:33
  Most women.
• 44:34
  And someone who is thoughtful, right, who takes care of things at home.
• 44:38
  That's like 98% women that I talk to.
• 44:41
  Most men wants to be respected and appreciated, and they like the quality time or physical touch.
• 44:47
  That's usually their love language.
• 44:49
  And what do we do as men?
• 44:50
  We're providing.
• 44:52
  We're physically.
• 44:53
  We do everything but the big thing that she wants.
• 44:57
  And we think we're giving natives.
• 44:59
  I'm sure you've heard that a million times.
• 45:00
  I provide for her.
• 45:02
  She has no wants.
• 45:04
  I rub her feet.
• 45:05
  But the one thing he doesn't do is listen to her.
• 45:07
  And that's the thing causing the biggest problems.
• 45:10
  Yeah, listening and give her compliments all the time.
• 45:14
  You say love is a decision, not a feeling, which that would be a decision to give her the compliments and listen to her.
• 45:21
  What do people get wrong about that then?
• 45:24
  They go with their feelings.
• 45:25
  Feelings.
• 45:26
  So feelings change, right?
• 45:29
  Even Adam and Eve, when Eve was in the Garden of Eve and she was feeling like eating the apple and ate the apple and it wasn't the right decision.
• 45:38
  Don't go always with the feelings, go with the decision.
• 45:40
  I'm not supposed to eat the apple.
• 45:42
  I am committed to this person.
• 45:44
  Yeah, I may feel like this and that.
• 45:46
  Maybe I need to withdraw myself from this friend.
• 45:49
  So I'm from this environment because I already made decision to be with this person.
• 45:53
  So follow your decision and not your feelings.
• 45:56
  Sometimes you may feel like you don't want to be married and they go on your nerves.
• 46:00
  But if they're not unethical, illegal, immoral.
• 46:03
  work on it you know and try to drop things i always say when you have to talk when you have the argument take it drop it leave it let it go don't talk about the past it's always what happened today don't talk about everything in the future it's moment by moment my moment and always make them feel like they're a good person they just had a bad moment
• 46:26
  Go deeper into that because that's hard for me to do.
• 46:29
  If something's unresolved for me, I have a hard time dropping it.
• 46:32
  So something I'll do, and then you give me what you would do, is I'll just go to my journal.
• 46:37
  If I can't get closure, I go to the journal and I talk to God about it.
• 46:42
  Yes.
• 46:43
  What do you recommend for your clients?
• 46:45
  The same thing whether you go to God or to journals.
• 46:47
  Sometimes there are things in life you will not understand.
• 46:52
  You're not supposed to understand.
• 46:53
  There is a lesson in it.
• 46:55
  So when I don't understand something, I learned and I love Joel's theme, his speech,
• 47:00
  God, I don't understand.
• 47:01
  Jesus said it in the Garden of Gethsemane.
• 47:04
  God, I do not understand, but I trust you.
• 47:06
  So when I don't understand something, I hand it to God and I trust him.
• 47:10
  I said, hey, I don't know what to do.
• 47:12
  I don't know where to go, who to talk to, when and how.
• 47:15
  But I'm handing you the problem.
• 47:17
  I'm going to bed.
• 47:18
  I want to have a good night's sleep.
• 47:20
  So I'm going to bed and you tell me when and how and what.
• 47:23
  I'm just going to bed.
• 47:24
  And I hand it to God and I stop worrying about it because I'm not supposed to know everything.
• 47:28
  There might be a lesson in it.
• 47:30
  I'll know in five years, in two weeks, never.
• 47:33
  And it's okay.
• 47:34
  I am at peace that I don't have to understand everything.
• 47:38
  I just have to trust God that it will work itself out.
• 47:42
  Let go and let God.
• 47:43
  Dr. Lane, how is AI changing your practice at all?
• 47:47
  Because I asked this specifically, because I think friends, certain friends, the friend that tells you what you want to hear and not what you need to hear is what most of us have.
• 47:57
  And frankly, I see when women go back to their friend that just tells them what they want to hear and gives them terrible advice.
• 48:06
  So what I do is I go and I built an AI avatar and the avatar is specifically meant.
• 48:12
  to counterdict me, to give me what the blind spot that I'm missing.
• 48:18
  Do you recommend any of your people use AI or are you releasing anything with AI?
• 48:23
  Because we just talked about our friend Rebecca, who's got one of the best AI products on the planet.
• 48:28
  What are you seeing and how are you, are you even recommending it at all?
• 48:32
  Because I'd recommend an AI over a friend that's kept you where you are.
• 48:37
  Yes, if someone is not qualified and they are not in the situation where you want to be, they may not be the right answer for your problem.
• 48:46
  So if someone is broke, you may not want to go to them for financial advice.
• 48:51
  If someone has a lot of turmoil and chaos in their life, they may not be.
• 48:56
  Even if they've been your friend for 30 years.
• 48:58
  Yes.
• 48:58
  They may not be the best relationship advice coach to you.
• 49:03
  So look at people that already accomplish what you wanna have.
• 49:07
  And those are the people that could advise you in that area, right?
• 49:11
  So do you use any AI?
• 49:13
  I use AI because sometimes AI can give you something rational.
• 49:17
  It doesn't mean it's always right.
• 49:19
  But when you ruminate and think and feel and think and feel and you can't find an answer,
• 49:24
  You may want to hear or read something rational and then go and pray and meditate on it, how it sits with you.
• 49:32
  Because your friend might be very harsh or may want to please you and the AI is just rational.
• 49:38
  So in some spaces, it could be helpful.
• 49:41
  If you ruminate,
• 49:43
  Go get rationalization.
• 49:45
  Yes.
• 49:45
  That's what I just heard.
• 49:46
  Yes.
• 49:46
  That's beautiful.
• 49:47
  And that's literally what I do.
• 49:49
  And then I get the information from it and I either journal on it or I meditate on it and I just let it go.
• 49:54
  It's harder than life.
• 49:56
  Yes.
• 49:58
  You have five things every relationship needs.
• 50:00
  Yes.
• 50:00
  Walk us through them.
• 50:01
  So every relationship needs chemistry, right?
• 50:04
  If there's no chemistry, there's no romantic relationship.
• 50:07
  There could be friendship, roommates, but there is definitely business relationship, but not romantic relationship.
• 50:14
  Communication.
• 50:15
  And there's three styles of communication.
• 50:18
  There's the seduction.
• 50:19
  Sweet words tell someone what they want to hear to get what you want.
• 50:23
  Sexual seduction or intimidation, going passive-aggressive or aggressive or putting someone down or blaming yourself, playing the victim.
• 50:32
  And none of those works.
• 50:34
  They are temporary.
• 50:34
  They are temporary.
• 50:35
  The only communication that works is communication with love.
• 50:38
  Hey, these are my needs.
• 50:40
  Can we dance together?
• 50:41
  Can we solve this together?
• 50:43
  So everybody needs communication with love.
• 50:45
  And when communication is off, there is no relationship.
• 50:50
  It's literally 80% of the relationship is communication.
• 50:54
  Communication with love.
• 50:56
  Respectful to your man, cherish woman's feelings, and see how you can dance together.
• 51:00
  Because two people have to carry the sofa.
• 51:03
  The third one is for most people, definitely for women, someone that will cherish women's feelings, for men, women that would respect you and appreciate you, right?
• 51:15
  And emotionally healthy and stable because addictions can ruin relationship.
• 51:20
  It could be substance addiction.
• 51:22
  It could be also work addiction.
• 51:24
  It could be you are married still to your mom or to your whole family.
• 51:28
  You're not present for your woman or the woman is married to her whole family and not there for the guy or to all the friends.
• 51:34
  So be really available, healthy for your partner.
• 51:38
  The fourth one is the style of relationship you want, whether it's committed relationship, dating, marriage, marriage and family.
• 51:46
  If you have any religious preferences, political views, you got to fulfill the commitment package that you have the same vision, right?
• 51:54
  And the fifth one for women is usually financial stability, someone that can provide if they build that family or that relationship.
• 52:01
  And for men is...
• 52:03
  Sometimes a woman that can cook or that's peaceful or that's joyful or playful for men, it's not necessary five.
• 52:11
  Sometimes it's only four.
• 52:12
  But for women, definitely financial stability is important.
• 52:16
  Chemistry versus compatibility.
• 52:18
  What you'll hear a lot of women say, there was just no chemistry.
• 52:23
  But the compatibility was there.
• 52:26
  Walk me through, walk the listeners through this.
• 52:29
  the differences in why they are so, even though they sound similar, they're so different.
• 52:35
  Chemistry is something that mother nature gives us.
• 52:38
  If the woman smells a little bit like mom, a little bit not like mom, it's usually the chemistry.
• 52:44
  If the guy smells a little bit like a dad, a little bit not like a dad, it's chemistry.
• 52:48
  Whether it's exactly like the dad or mom, it's taboo.
• 52:51
  When it's not like mom or dad, it's an alien.
• 52:54
  It doesn't mean alien is bad for you, it's just oxytocin, right?
• 52:57
  It's mother nature, it plays with us.
• 52:59
  You can feel amazingly attractive to someone on paper or on social media and they sit next to you and you have zero chemistry.
• 53:08
  And that's mother nature, there's nothing you can do with it.
• 53:11
  It's the oxytocin playing in the room.
• 53:13
  So chemistry is something that's either there or not.
• 53:16
  Now for women, chemistry can grow.
• 53:19
  Because if they have some chemistry, even if it's four or six, but the guy is protective, cherishing, consistent, they can fall in love.
• 53:28
  Sophia Loren had Grant and Ponty, but she fell in love with Ponty because she felt safe with him.
• 53:36
  She never felt safe with Grant.
• 53:38
  So chemistry on women can grow.
• 53:40
  If a woman really likes you,
• 53:43
  With time and consistency, she may fall madly in love with you.
• 53:47
  With men, it's different.
• 53:48
  It's either there or not.
• 53:49
  They know within a few seconds.
• 53:51
  It's different.
• 53:52
  Isn't chemistry really just your traumas meeting?
• 53:57
  It can be, but once you heal the trauma, there still is a chemistry that's something that's natural.
• 54:05
  You can be attracted to someone's personality because it's trauma-plight, right?
• 54:11
  So if your dad is an alcoholic, you may want to attract a man that you have to rescue.
• 54:17
  If he's very hot and look like a rock star, you're attracted to that look.
• 54:22
  The same thing for men with their mom.
• 54:24
  If she's blonde with blue eyes, you may go for the same thing.
• 54:28
  So we can pick someone that looks like our mom or dad.
• 54:33
  But the chemistry could be even with an alien.
• 54:37
  If the parent wasn't such a great parent and you heal, you may start to attract alien.
• 54:41
  They may be good for you.
• 54:43
  Yeah.
• 54:44
  I always tell people when I was going through my healing process, my therapist said to me, he's like, if you feel the butterflies, if you feel that strong chemistry, run.
• 54:52
  And it was so spot on.
• 54:54
  And I say that to a lot of people.
• 54:56
  It's like, as I healed and I started healing and massively started healing, I got turned down by more women.
• 55:04
  I never got turned down when I was a dirtbag.
• 55:07
  Yes.
• 55:07
  I was never a shortage.
• 55:09
  But then as I healed, they were like, oh, no, no, no, there's no chemistry.
• 55:12
  Because I didn't have any drama.
• 55:13
  And these women that I found attractive at the time while I was in my process of becoming harder than life, there's no chemistry.
• 55:23
  Because I wasn't there in their pity party and chaos and drama.
• 55:28
  Thank God.
• 55:28
  Because my life got calmer or something.
• 55:31
  You listen to how a man talks about his mother and how he talks about his exes.
• 55:35
  What are you actually listening for?
• 55:38
  you want to listen if there is any anger rage resentment guilt negative talk it doesn't mean that someone may not have a relationship with their mom that they are unhealthy person as long as they say hey i was a foster child or my mom was a drug abuse and drugs and we don't really talk i forgave her i love her but we don't see each other on daily basis
• 56:06
  that person is healed and at peace.
• 56:08
  But if they talk bad about their mom, their ex, all their exes, present girlfriends, it's coming to you.
• 56:15
  Run for the hills.
• 56:19
  What did Tony Robbins say?
• 56:20
  He said, if you're going to give your parents the negative, you've got to give them the positive too.
• 56:26
  So a lot of what I've learned in life,
• 56:31
  Like I quit drinking cold turkey.
• 56:32
  My stepfather did that.
• 56:35
  He got up early in the morning every day.
• 56:38
  I get up early in the morning every day.
• 56:39
  Did I think I wasn't good enough for many, many years because of him?
• 56:42
  Yes.
• 56:42
  Did I resort to being a victim for many, many years?
• 56:47
  Yes, I learned that.
• 56:48
  So it was both of them.
• 56:50
  Once you realize you're the control of your own life and you are the answer and you are also the problem, it gets easier.
• 56:59
  Your service places royalty, athletes, and founders.
• 57:03
  What is the one thing you tell them that they cannot buy?
• 57:06
  Love.
• 57:10
  Isn't everything love?
• 57:11
  Everything is love, but I always tell them, I understand that you're bringing the financial stability, which is great, but are you bringing the heart?
• 57:21
  Are you bringing the consistency?
• 57:23
  Are you bringing the cherishing the woman's feelings?
• 57:26
  I had a gentleman who came to me and he was extremely successful.
• 57:30
  I mean, I'm talking the 0.1%.
• 57:33
  And good looking, but he had 120 things on the list.
• 57:37
  And I said, are you sure that you have everything on that list?
• 57:41
  Because I don't want to miss anything.
• 57:42
  He's like, do you think I should put some more?
• 57:44
  I'm like, yeah.
• 57:45
  So he came back the next day and he had like 140.
• 57:47
  I said, are you sure you have everything?
• 57:49
  He went back again and he brought like 150.
• 57:52
  And when I said it a third time, he's like, you think I'm unreasonable?
• 57:55
  I'm like, yeah, a little bit.
• 57:57
  It's like, so how many can I have?
• 57:58
  I said, you can have only five.
• 58:00
  Five?
• 58:00
  I said, yeah, when you have five, I will match you.
• 58:03
  So he had to narrow it down, narrow it, narrow it down.
• 58:06
  Because a deal breaker and preference has nothing to do with one another.
• 58:12
  So we often mix preferences.
• 58:13
  preferences with deal breaker if you want someone that's christian have chemistry that respects you and is mother of your children and is loving she doesn't need to ride horse she doesn't need to eat steak and drink wine with you that's preference so sometimes we mix the preferences with deal breakers and that's why we single while we have to date multiple people isn't okay to be single why do people think that you gotta be with somebody
• 58:41
  If you're not happy and in love with yourself, you're not going to be a good partner.
• 58:47
  So if you see relationship after relationship that it's not working out, maybe you need to stop and give yourself three, six months to date yourself, to fall in love with yourself, to get your confidence back.
• 59:01
  Because you attract everyone.
• 59:03
  It's who you keep.
• 59:04
  And if you constantly keep the people that bring you down and bring chaos and pain into your life, it's because you haven't healed yet.
• 59:13
  Because you may attract the good ones, but you don't keep them because it's not part of your DNA.
• 59:19
  So there is nothing wrong by being single and date yourself and enjoy being by yourself because that's how you're going to keep the right person, not attract.
• 59:29
  Again, you attract everyone.
• 59:30
  It's who you keep.
• 59:31
  Okay.
• 59:31
  Is there ever a time where you say to somebody, you need to just go to therapy?
• 59:35
  Did you send that person to therapy who has 150 or were you able to?
• 59:39
  No, I was able to get him through it because he was open and coachable.
• 59:44
  But if he wasn't coachable, then obviously.
• 59:47
  So you do turn people down and say, I can't match.
• 59:50
  Even if I do match you, you're not going to stay.
• 59:52
  Yes.
• 59:53
  What do you tell them to do first?
• 59:54
  Well, I always tell them, how do you want me to introduce you to these five men or these 20 women together?
• 1:00:00
  And they're like, what do you mean?
• 1:00:01
  Well, I'm never going to find all these qualities together.
• 1:00:04
  So when you're ready for one person, let me know, and we narrow it down.
• 1:00:09
  But if you want all these qualities, it's not going to happen.
• 1:00:12
  I had another gentleman.
• 1:00:14
  He wanted someone...
• 1:00:16
  Jewish, but super educated, but also available and not work too much, but successful.
• 1:00:25
  Young, but not too young.
• 1:00:26
  Super hot, like supermodel, but have a Harvard degree.
• 1:00:30
  And I'm like, how do you want me to do this, all this together?
• 1:00:33
  And we find him the right match, but sometimes people don't understand that.
• 1:00:38
  that their preferences contradict each other and is just not ever going to be found in one person.
• 1:00:45
  So I just have to narrow it down to them like science.
• 1:00:48
  Like if they come to a CPA, he will break down how you deduct the taxes.
• 1:00:53
  It's the same thing in relationship.
• 1:00:54
  But if nobody tells you the basic, you just don't know.
• 1:00:58
  You made me laugh.
• 1:00:59
  I'm going to butcher a joke, but a joke is like, hey, this genie pops out of a bottle and says, I'm going to give you two wishes.
• 1:01:05
  Or I'm going to give you one wish.
• 1:01:08
  It says, give me a healed, loyal man.
• 1:01:13
  And, oh, I can't do that.
• 1:01:15
  Give me another one.
• 1:01:16
  Give me a dragon.
• 1:01:18
  And they go, how big of a dragon do you love?
• 1:01:21
  Yeah.
• 1:01:24
  So there's, what I was trying to get to is there's a guy listening right now.
• 1:01:27
  He's 38.
• 1:01:28
  He's successful.
• 1:01:29
  He's quietly lonely.
• 1:01:31
  Tells everyone he's fine.
• 1:01:32
  What do you want him to do tomorrow morning?
• 1:01:34
  Tomorrow morning, I want him to stop being in denial and go really deep in his heart and say, why am I afraid of love?
• 1:01:46
  Yeah.
• 1:01:47
  Why do I think I don't deserve love?
• 1:01:50
  And why don't I let anybody in my heart and start to journal what the feelings are and where is it coming from?
• 1:01:58
  Because love is all we need.
• 1:02:00
  God created us to have love.
• 1:02:03
  And it's not always just romantic relationship.
• 1:02:05
  It's love with our parents, with our kids, with our friends, co-workers, romantic relationship, puppies.
• 1:02:13
  Go help someone in need.
• 1:02:14
  But it's all about connection and love.
• 1:02:17
  So when you see yourself isolating and thinking you don't need love, you're in denial because you're afraid to get heartbroken, because you're not healed, because you're afraid to be vulnerable.
• 1:02:29
  And it's time to start to love yourself first.
• 1:02:33
  I enjoy that you said the Beatles got it right.
• 1:02:36
  All we need is love.
• 1:02:38
  In my bathroom in Detroit, I have to love everybody and tell the truth.
• 1:02:42
  Ram Dass quote.
• 1:02:43
  And it's so simple.
• 1:02:44
  So I really appreciate you being here.
• 1:02:46
  We got the rapid fire now.
• 1:02:47
  We'll get you out of here.
• 1:02:48
  And is there anything else I haven't asked you that you'd like feel compelled to share?
• 1:02:52
  How do people work with you?
• 1:02:54
  So you can either work with me in coaching, go on my Instagram and book a session.
• 1:03:00
  I have also a lot of seminars coming up, especially for women, how to be feminine, how to text him, how to text her, because texts mess up 80, 90% of relationships today.
• 1:03:13
  We didn't get into that.
• 1:03:13
  That's good.
• 1:03:14
  That's a whole episode in and of itself.
• 1:03:16
  Wait, wait, real quick bonus.
• 1:03:18
  What is the number one text do not send from each person?
• 1:03:24
  Women, don't send long texts.
• 1:03:26
  If the guy just says hello, you say hello.
• 1:03:29
  Don't tell him all your emotional trauma and nagging and bitching and moaning.
• 1:03:34
  That's not for texts.
• 1:03:35
  That's something you do in person after you validate him and compliment him.
• 1:03:39
  And for men, inappropriate texts, cold texts.
• 1:03:42
  Like a lot of men do like the slightest effort.
• 1:03:46
  Hey.
• 1:03:47
  at 10 p.m. that's not a text that's a booty call um say hello darling how are you i was thinking about you how beautiful you are and when i think of you you make me smile give her a little compliment something don't send these random weird cold hot and cold bland messages or inappropriate sexual messages when you haven't even been that close so no d-picks
• 1:04:14
  if you want to turn her off and block you, you know, you've been wonderful.
• 1:04:20
  We could go a whole episode on texting.
• 1:04:23
  I think it's, I think the phone is the devil, but it is what it is.
• 1:04:27
  So rapid fire, one word, one, one sentence, seven of them real quick.
• 1:04:32
  Biggest red flag on the first date.
• 1:04:35
  Obviously, if someone is disrespectful or criticize you, talks bad about their family, friends, or, you know, past relationship, biggest red flag.
• 1:04:46
  What would the second biggest be?
• 1:04:47
  Because that's a common one.
• 1:04:49
  talk about sexual experiences with other partners biggest second red flag for sure you don't want to do that and for ladies don't talk about your achievements and degrees and how much money you make men don't care they just want to connect i i jumped the gun on this one is this is the number two is chemistry or compatibility i don't even know what the question was in here chemistry or compatibility
• 1:05:13
  Well, you can't really run into compatibility yet.
• 1:05:17
  You have to first see if there is even chemistry.
• 1:05:20
  And then with chemistry, you can see if there is compatibility.
• 1:05:24
  Because you could be compatible with zero chemistry.
• 1:05:26
  And you can be great friends.
• 1:05:27
  But it's not going to be romantic.
• 1:05:30
  The worst dating advice men give each other.
• 1:05:34
  Worst advice, men give each other.
• 1:05:36
  Yes.
• 1:05:36
  I mean, you would let me know as a man, but probably like don't care about her feelings, just be physical.
• 1:05:43
  I think if you listen and if you try to be understanding and make women laugh and give her some compliments, you already won.
• 1:05:52
  The worst dating advice, and I'll tell you, is that ghost of girlfriends past.
• 1:05:56
  The one who cares the least wins.
• 1:05:59
  That's the worst dating advice.
• 1:06:01
  Oh, that's, yeah, that's just torture.
• 1:06:06
  One word for the men you match.
• 1:06:09
  Be clear what you want and be all those things on the list.
• 1:06:13
  I know that you're successful, the man that I match, and money is great.
• 1:06:17
  But you have to bring your heart also to the table and be there emotionally for the woman.
• 1:06:23
  I like that.
• 1:06:25
  The one thing you would delete from dating apps tomorrow?
• 1:06:27
  I think the options of swiping too much.
• 1:06:30
  If I had a dating app, which I'm actually about to finish one, I would.
• 1:06:36
  is to, once you match, be at least 24 or 48 hours only able to talk to that person.
• 1:06:43
  Because when you watch 10 movies, you can't watch, you don't watch anything.
• 1:06:47
  So it's like when you match with someone, spend time talking to them.
• 1:06:51
  Stop talking to 20, 30 different people because you're not going to connect.
• 1:06:54
  That's perfect.
• 1:06:55
  Brilliant.
• 1:06:56
  Lock that match for 24 hours.
• 1:06:58
  Interesting.
• 1:06:59
  Because you also start thinking about, I have never been on a dating app.
• 1:07:02
  I don't know.
• 1:07:03
  So to me, it would be hard for me to remember what said each person.
• 1:07:09
  Yes, of their name.
• 1:07:11
  That's why I never lied, because I couldn't, I can't remember what I lied.
• 1:07:15
  So I just say the truth, even if it hurts.
• 1:07:18
  Say something romantic in a language it sounds the worst in.
• 1:07:21
  In Dutch it would be, I hate you.
• 1:07:27
  Or a Hungarian, sad at like.
• 1:07:29
  It doesn't sound romantic.
• 1:07:32
  Oh, man, I want to stop there.
• 1:07:33
  But this last one is a doozy.
• 1:07:35
  Thank you for that.
• 1:07:36
  That was the best.
• 1:07:37
  Love is a decision.
• 1:07:38
  Finish the sentence.
• 1:07:40
  Love is not a...
• 1:07:41
  Feeling.
• 1:07:43
  Dr. Elena, this has been so good.
• 1:07:45
  This has been so helpful for me, for all of my Heart of the Life nation.
• 1:07:50
  When you got that app out, come back and join us again.
• 1:07:53
  And let's demonstrate it out here and have some fun.
• 1:07:56
  And guys, get out and read your books.
• 1:07:58
  They're so good.
• 1:07:59
  How to be feminine.
• 1:08:01
  How to heal a heartbreak.
• 1:08:02
  Because we've all gone through them.
• 1:08:04
  That's what got her here.
• 1:08:05
  Thank you for coming here.
• 1:08:06
  Thank you for being Heart of the Life.
• 1:08:07
  Until next week.
• 1:08:09
  See ya.
• 1:08:10
  Please rate and share this podcast.
• 1:08:11
  I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters.
• 1:08:15
  Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with.
• 1:08:22
  Delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity.
• 1:08:27
  Visit TrustNTM.com for more info.
• 1:08:30
  Until next week, be harder than life.