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52: Do You Actually Know Yourself? Seven Questions to Find Out. · (re)Parenting Radio

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lisa Watson, Architect of Human Transformation.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends, welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: This week I want to talk about two words that I believe represent some of the most important work that we can ever do in our lifetime.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And those two words are know thyself.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I really mean that.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: You're the one person you bring into every single experience of your life.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Every relationship, every conflict, every job, every friendship, every parenting moment, every heartbreak, every opportunity, every financial decision, every dream that you've ever pursued or talked about or talked yourself out of, every conversation you've ever had, wherever you go, you are there.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: And yet I think that most of us spend an extraordinary amount of time trying to understand everybody else.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I know I used to.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Why did they say that?
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why does he believe that?
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why won't my mother just understand me?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Why does my partner always shut down?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why is my child acting like this?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: What did that text mean?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: What does this person think about me?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: We become detectives of everybody else's behavior.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: But what about ours?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know back in the day when I was in my very challenging relationship, I used to read a lot of I still do, but for many, many, many years I just was really into personal development.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, since I've been about 14 years old, I'm sure I've mentioned that many times on this podcast.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: But every time I would read a book or learn something new, I would always think of how my husband needed this, how this could help him, how this could change him.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized over the years that I was spending way too much energy focusing on how to change him rather than focusing on how to change me and simply learn how to respond differently.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: So now, instead of asking questions like, how can this person benefit from this?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: or what's up with this person?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they doing this?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I have learned to ask some different questions.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why did I react that way?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why does that particular person activate me so much?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I interrupt when I'm excited or uncomfortable?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I need to explain myself?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why does someone being disappointed in me make me feel anxious?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I rush?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I have trouble receiving help?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I feel uncomfortable when things become quiet?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I keep choosing the same kinds of relationships?
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why does criticism affect me so deeply?
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I say yes when I really want to say no?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where things get really interesting because knowing yourself isn't simply knowing what you like, it's not knowing your favorite food, your personality type, whether you're on an introvert or an extrovert, maybe your, you know, your astrological sign or even your human design, your love language, or whether you prefer the mountains or the beach.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Those things can tell us something about ourselves.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm talking about something deeper.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about understanding what's happening underneath your behavior.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes the things that we've spent our entire lives calling our personality aren't entirely personality.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they're simply patterns of behavior.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what does know thyself actually mean?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I did a little research and cognitive neuroscientist Stephen Fleming wrote a book called Know Thyself, The Science of Self-Awareness.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: And his work explores something called metacognition.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very simple term.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking about your thinking is what it means.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's the ability to observe your own mental processes.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not merely something like they're disrespecting me, but I'm noticing that I'm interpreting what they're doing as disrespect.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Those are very different statements.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: One is assuming the interpretation is reality, they're disrespecting me, and the other is recognizing this is simply information.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Something happened.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I interpreted it.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: My body responded, my emotion appeared, a thought followed, maybe an impulse came next.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: And now I have information.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's something I've personally been practicing a lot lately, like layering it on absolutely everything in my days.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is simply information.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And it's all neutral.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not a command, not automatically the truth, not necessarily something I have to react to.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's just information.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: And what I do with that information is where my power lives.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so does yours.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let me give you a ridiculously ordinary example.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yesterday I was out walking and I was talking on the phone.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And for whatever reason, I'm gonna blame it on the full moon, but I was a little cranky, and every loud car that passed me was irritating the heck out of me.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, really irritating me.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to leave a voicemail for a friend who lives in a time zone that's nine hours different from me, and I'm out of my walk, wanting to leave this nice message, and a loud motorcycle goes by, and I'm like, and then a car with a loud muffler.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, seriously?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I could just feel myself becoming increasingly irritated by the sounds.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: One car after another, one loud noise after another, just felt like it kept interrupting me.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And there's an old way of experiencing that, which is oh my god, these freaking cars are driving me crazy.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Which I did say.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I also was observing the awareness and having awareness, you know, underneath that, thinking, hmm, look, look at how much these noises are affecting me today.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's interesting.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Why are they affecting me so much today?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Has my nervous system already had a lot of input?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: Am I tired?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Am I overstimulated?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do I just have less capacity today?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm frustrated because I had a conversation and I just keeps getting interrupted?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or is there something else going on underneath this?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized that, you know, I didn't necessarily need to answer those questions, and that's important.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: I simply needed to have the awareness.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Huh, look at that.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's information.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: The irritation didn't mean that I failed at something like nervous system regulation.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have to shame myself for being irritated.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: I also didn't need to chase the motorcycle down and explain the importance of emotional regulation to the driver or the guy with a loud muffler.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: I could just simply notice it, and I did.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: I noticed that my system was responding very strongly to loud noises yesterday.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that was all just information.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is one of the greatest gifts of self-awareness.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: We stop making every internal experience mean something about ourselves or someone else.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: We just allow it to be information because information isn't instruction.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: A thought can be information without becoming instruction.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Someone's opinion, criticism, someone being disappointed in us.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: A trigger can be information without becoming instruction.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Even feedback from someone that you deeply respect is still simply information.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide what you do with it.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's agency.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because imagine that someone tells you you're selfish, and immediately your nervous system might respond by feeling defensive.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to explain.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: You want to prove that they're wrong.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you want to attack them, or maybe you're a people pleaser and you immediately think, oh my gosh, am I selfish?
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: What did I do?
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how can I fix this?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: But what if instead you could just say internally, interesting, that's information.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do I agree with it?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Is there truth in what this person's saying?
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is this person projecting something onto me?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something useful here?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And why did that word activate me so much?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Does selfish touch an old fear that I have about choosing myself?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or is selfish something that I was called a lot when I was a kid and I didn't really identify it?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: It made me not feel safe or loved or connected.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: So it really bothers me when I hear that.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're completely wrong.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're partially right.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they're completely right.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: But we don't have to decide that in the first five seconds.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's where the pause is.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the pause is where we begin to know thyself.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because knowing your behavior isn't the same as knowing yourself.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can know that you're impatient.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can know that you interrupt.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can know that you're controlling or a people pleaser, or that you overthink, or maybe that you avoid conflict.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: You can know that you eat way too much sugar when you feel stressed.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's awareness at one level.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: But knowing yourself goes deeper.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: What happens inside me immediately before I do that?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or after that happens?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're impatient.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when things move slowly?
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Does your body become uncomfortable?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Does slowing down create anxiety?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel as though you're wasting time?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel safer when you're moving?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're extremely independent.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when you need someone?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: Does vulnerability feel uncomfortable?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Does receiving create indebtedness?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do you fear disappointment?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are a people pleaser.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when someone's unhappy with you?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do you immediately want to repair, explain, apologize, change your decision?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're incredibly productive.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when you stop?
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Can you sit still?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Can you rest without feeling guilty?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Can you simply exist without accomplishing something?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Now we're getting somewhere.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because awareness isn't merely knowing what to do, it's becoming curious about what drives the behavior, what drives that feeling in us and that emotion.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: When patterns become personality.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where so many of us are like our protective patterns quietly have become our identity.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: We've identified with those patterns so much that we think they're our personality.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: We think that's who we are.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: A child, you know, maybe grows up learning to monitor everyone else's emotional state.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: They're incredibly perceptive.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: They notice tone, facial expressions, energy, tiny changes in behavior.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually that child becomes an adult and says, I'm just, I'm extremely intuitive.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps they are.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe some of that intuition was also trained through hyper-vigilance.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And both things can be true.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Typically, uh, when you have a narcissistic parent or like an irrational parent or an angry parent, you do become hyper-vigilant.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Someone learns very young that being useful creates connection, maybe.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So they help.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: They become responsible.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: They take care of everybody.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually they identify with this as their personality, and they may say, Oh, I'm just a caretaker.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's just who I am.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a cancer.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's who I am.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens if you don't take care of everybody?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Can you let someone struggle?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Can you say no?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Can you allow somebody to be disappointed?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: If not, perhaps we're looking at more than kindness.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're someone who would describe yourself as really independent.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you able to receive?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Can you ask for help?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: Can you depend on someone without feeling weak?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because independence and hyper-independence aren't the same thing.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're someone that says, I just have really high standards.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Can you make a mistake?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Can someone else do something differently?
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Can good enough ever actually be good enough?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because excellence and perfectionism aren't the same thing.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I say you're not broken, you're pattern.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: But you can't change a pattern you believe is your personality.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I think a lot of the time we use our personality kind of like as the scapegoat to not look inward and know thyself.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe we're afraid of what we're going to find there.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't want to look backward because that makes us feel uncomfortable.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And when you start asking, where did I learn this?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: People sometimes think, oh God, here we go.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is the parents, everything is childhood.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to go blame mom and dad for the next 25 years.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to do that.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to think about my childhood.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's unpleasant.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's that's not the point in knowing thyself.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't need to do that.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: We're not looking backwards so we can stay there.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: We're just looking backward from a very high-level view to recognize patterns of behavior because it helps us to understand our own current behavior.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: If I believe this is just who I am, there's nowhere to go from there.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: But if I discover, oh, I learned to do this because at one point it helped me.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now something changes.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe being agreeable helped maintain connection, or being invisible reduced conflict.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe being a high achiever earned you praise, or being able to control your environment helped to reduce uncertainty.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe making everybody laugh diffused tension.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: And now you just call yourself funny.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: I just like to be funny.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: I just like to make people laugh.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay that we keep these traits if we want them, but maybe it's a pattern of behavior that we're ready to let go.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns are intelligent adaptations.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: And understanding where they came from isn't about assigning blame.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's about asking, do I still need this?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: As a child, we adapted.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: But as an adult, we get to evaluate that adaptation.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And that is reparenting yourself.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Self-awareness doesn't have to be self-criticism.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to turn this into another opportunity to beat ourselves up.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because personal development can become strangely aggressive.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: What's my trauma?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: What's my attachment style?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: What's my wound?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: What are my limiting beliefs?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: My patterns, what am I doing wrong?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I still doing this?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually just go eat a sandwich or something.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because knowing yourself isn't about finding everything that's wrong with you.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's about understanding yourself well enough that you have choices.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe perfectionism protected you from criticism.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know for me, perfectionism helped me to stay safe.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: It helped me to feel wanted, needed.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was the one who was going to do it right.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe people pleasing protected connection.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: That makes sense, right?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe control helped you feel safe.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or withdrawing protected you from rejection.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: We can meet the pattern with, oh, I understand why you're here, and then simply ask ourselves, but do I still need you?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's compassion plus responsibility.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not shame, not blame, but choice.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: And it takes courage.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: It takes courage to see our blind spots.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a whole nother dimension of knowing ourselves that I think takes tremendous courage.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Being willing to know how other people experience us.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Years ago, I read the book The Miracle Morning by Hal Elrod.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: And there's an exercise from that book that has always stayed with me because it involved asking people who knew him to give him candid feedback about himself.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: He sent an email to all his friends and colleagues and people who knew him well.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he asked them, he said, I'm genuinely trying to know myself better.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: What's something you experience in me that you don't think I see?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: And because everybody loves self-awareness until somebody makes us aware of something we don't want to know, you might believe you're a great listener.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe other people experience you as someone who frequently interrupts.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you believe you're easygoing and other people experience you as passive until suddenly you're resentful.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: You might think you're helpful and someone else might occasionally experience that help as controlling.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: You might think you're direct and someone else might experience you as harsh.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Does that mean they're right?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: Feedback is simply information.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's not necessarily truth.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Their perception travels through their patterns, history, beliefs, experiences.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: But if several people who love you are independently giving you similar information, maybe you don't fire the whole research department and you get curious instead.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because self awareness requires being willing to discover things about yourself that don't perfectly match the story you've been telling about yourself.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: I did ask my husband many years ago, I think it was about five years ago.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: We were having a discussion, and I and I asked him what you know.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: I really do my best to communicate self-awareness, all the things that I talk about on this podcast.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: I practice for myself, and I have been doing my best to practice them for a long time.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: And my husband said, Well, you get passive aggressive sometimes.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I do.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, thank you.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I just decided to take that as information and then pay attention to when I was doing it.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I asked him to give me an example if he could.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: And he and he did give me a recent example of something that I had done.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Yeah, I hear that.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: I did do that.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it was really a great exercise because honestly, I think it came up for me two more times, but I heard it as I did it.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: I felt it in my body as I did it.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized that being direct wasn't safe in my past and that I needed to kind of hide it a little.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I had I had developed this pattern of being passive aggressive on occasion.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was just willing, openly willing and curious about my own self to look at it and listen for it, I heard it two more times.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: I heard it come out of my mouth with my husband.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: And both times, as I said it, I stopped and I took it back.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, yeah, I just heard that there.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm sorry.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I re- and I redid it.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: And when the third time it came up, I heard it before it left my mouth.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that was the real win right there.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I haven't heard it since.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean I haven't done it, but my husband hasn't mentioned it.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I just don't think it's a pattern for me anymore.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it didn't take a lot.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: It just took awareness, curiosity, and willingness to make a change.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that there are five stages of awareness.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where knowing yourself becomes incredibly practical.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Stage one is when we're unconscious.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're doing the pattern and you don't see it.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: You just simply believe, you know, this is me, this is just who I am.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't really notice the behaviors.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Stage two is retrospective awareness when you realize it later, after the fact.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit, I did it again.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: I overexplained, maybe I shut down, I was passive aggressive, I tried to fix everyone, something like that.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I said yes when I wanted to say no.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: And people sometimes, I think, think if they're doing this exercise and they notice that, like now they think they're failing.
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's progress.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: When you notice it, it's progress.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this, that those moments are not time.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's never actually a time, to beat yourself up, to speak to yourself with shame, to say, what are you doing?
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, did it again?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: No, we always speak to ourself, our inner child, our avatar.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: We always speak with kindness, like we're a really great coach, a positive coach.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Not someone who's using shame, but love, curiosity, and awareness.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Stage three is real-time awareness.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you're hearing it, like I did with uh passive aggressive, real time.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: It came out, I saw it, I heard it, I was able to correct it.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: Stage four is the pause.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually that awareness begins arriving slightly earlier, like when I said I caught myself that third time it actually didn't come out of my mouth because I was able to feel it coming and I was able to pause and give it just a tiny space.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that space may last only two seconds, but those two seconds can change everything because now you have choice, and you can choose to respond differently or say something differently.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_00: And stage five is conscious response.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: So eventually it's there's a trigger, you see it as information, you kind of get the sensation, you have the awareness, you pause, you make a choice.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you still do the old thing sometimes.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Of course you do.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: You're human, it happens.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Repatterning isn't becoming some permanently, perfectly regulated master of all things.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's just increasing your ability to choose instead of automatically react.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: But what we're doing here is we're looking for the us that is underneath the pattern.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually, I think know thyself brings us to an even bigger question.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Not only why do I do what I do, but who am I underneath everything I learned to become?
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because from the moment we're born, we are adapting.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're adapting to family, to school, to culture, to expectations, gender roles, approval, rejection, so many things.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: And somewhere underneath all those layers, there's the authentic you.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not necessarily a perfect you or enlightened you or healed you, although a healed you to me is just an authentic you.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps knowing yourself isn't about creating a better identity, it's just about becoming conscious enough to distinguish is this the true me, or is this just something I learned that I can let go of?
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I have seven questions for you for knowing yourself.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you to answer them quickly.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: Take them somewhere, journal about them, walk with them.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice what happens in your body when you ask yourself them.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Are you ready?
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: Pause, get a pen and paper.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: What behavior in myself repeatedly creates outcomes that I don't want?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: What behavior in myself repeatedly creates outcomes that I don't want?
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_00: And we're not judging ourselves.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is just information.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: All of these questions, information.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Number two.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: What tends to happen immediately before that behavior?
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: What's the trigger?
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Number three.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: What am I feeling, fearing, needing, or protecting in that moment?
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: This begins taking you underneath the behavior.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Number four.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: Where might I have learned that this response was useful?
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not who can I blame, but why might this have once made sense?
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like the people pleasing.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it made you feel safe in your family, or maybe you were trained to be a people pleaser, like, you know, give mommy a hug.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, do you not love me?
• 29:56
  SPEAKER_00: You make mommy sad when you don't hug her.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you're being trained to be a people pleaser.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Number five.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Does this pattern still serve the person that I am today?
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe yes, maybe partially, maybe absolutely not.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's all just information.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: So do I still need to be a people pleaser?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: Does it serve me to be a people pleaser?
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do I still need to abandon my own self and look for other people's needs instead of mine?
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: How is that serving me now?
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And do I want to continue with this behavior?
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: Number six.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: How might the people closest to me experience this pattern differently than I do?
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where blind spots become interesting.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: How might the people closest to me experience this pattern differently than I do?
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: How does that pattern impact them?
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: How do they see you in that pattern?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Is it serving them?
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one, number seven, what would I choose if I didn't need this pattern to protect me anymore?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the doorway.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: The doorway that's not always easy to walk through right away.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it takes courage and it takes a lot of practice.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: When you first let down, let go of people pleasing, you may feel unsafe.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: You may feel weird.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_00: You may think everyone's gonna be mad at you.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe people will accuse you of not being who you used to be.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the people who took advantage of your people pleasing won't like it anymore.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: But does that mean you're gonna go back to the behavior?
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: Is it serving you?
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_00: Know thyself.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Not so you can endlessly analyze yourself and not so you can find everything that's wrong with you or blame your childhood, but because awareness gives us choice.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: So know what activates you, what you're afraid of, how you protect yourself, what happens when you feel rejected, or you don't feel seen, or you don't feel heard.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Notice what you do when someone gets too close or when someone pulls away.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: How do you respond when life becomes uncertain?
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what your values are?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what your needs are?
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what your desires are and your patterns?
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: And remember always that all of this is simply information.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: The feeling's information, the reaction is information, the trigger is information, someone else's feedback is information, even the pattern itself and where it came from.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's all just information.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide what happens next, what you think about it, how you respond to it.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide whether you need more curiosity or whether that old pattern still serves you or not.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide whether somebody else's opinion belongs to you.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: You get to decide whether the emotion needs expression, regulation, investigation, or sometimes simply permission to pass through.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing yourself doesn't mean controlling everything you feel.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: It means developing enough awareness that everything you feel doesn't have to control you.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I truly believe that knowing thyself is the most important thing that we can work on in this lifetime.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you know yourself, you communicate differently, you choose relationships differently, you parent differently, you handle conflict differently, you're able to recognize your limits, your needs, and you can become more discerning about what belongs to you and what doesn't.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: And before you know it, you become less governed by your patterns, the ones that you didn't consciously choose.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because you cannot consciously change something you cannot see.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: But once you see it, you can't unsee it.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to hate it, you don't have to judge it.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can simply understand why it was there with compassion and love.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you can appreciate what it once did for you, and then you can decide if you need it anymore.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what knowing yourself gives you.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: Not perfection, but choice.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: And choice is where change begins.
• 34:58
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, friends, keep getting curious, keep becoming aware.
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, you are not broken.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: You're patterned.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: And patterns, they can be changed.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio.
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakenthe.org.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.