Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep7: Raising a King/ Mixed-Race Journey 🤣

Transcript

S2 Ep7: Raising a King/ Mixed-Race Journey 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: There were so many things when you know me and my husband when we talked about how we were gonna do this that we decided we were just not gonna do, right?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And there were certain things we promised ourselves that we would do.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because there was a lot to consider.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not only do we want to raise a good human being, but also my son is multicultural.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, he's mixed.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: He's half Puerto Rican, half white, hard T.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: That Midwest white hits different, you know what I'm saying?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's I know there's white people here, but if my husband walked in, even y'all would be like, that's a white guy.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like you'd be like, be like, I'm white, but that's unseasoned chicken that just walked through the front door.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: That is that is level 10 white.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't y'all come for my porcelain king.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: A couple guys in the audience that are like, porcelain king.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna use that later.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I had to think about that, man.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my son, my son is mixed.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or as I like to say, his DNA's been colonized.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: That is my favorite way of saying it.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because people are always like, ha ha, wait a minute.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's snug in history.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have to think about that though.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, as the mother of a mixed child, I have to think about the fact that a lot of his childhood is going to be me explaining my half of his makeup and the history of those people.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I know he's gonna have questions.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because all kids have questions, and I'm petrified.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know if you've heard the level of questions these children are asking, but these are jeopardy level questions.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I am quite honestly not prepared.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just waiting for the day where he's like, what happened to the indigenous people of the Caribbean, mommy?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I just look at his dad.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to shine, sir! My poor son is walking around like I come from the oppressor and the oppressed.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the problem and the solution.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's right, baby.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Also, don't take no blankets from daddy's side of the family.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you got that last part, if you got that last part, I love you from the bottom of my heart.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because the amount of times I'd looked out at an audience of people that's like, what's wrong with their blankets?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: What's the thread count on the blankets?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm proud of my son, he's doing great.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: He speaks English and Spanish.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Humble brag.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And really, look, if if you're in the audience and you're you're Latino, Latina, Latine, Latinex, any of them, and you don't speak Spanish, that is okay.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make you lesser, it doesn't mean that people should make you feel lesser.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I, yeah.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I spent a lot of my younger years so judged because I didn't speak Spanish well enough for the people around me that I just stopped altogether and didn't learn until I was older.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing, I'm also third generation.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're third generation, then you know what I'm talking about.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I came around, everybody had assimilated already.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So English was the norm in our household.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: When my parents were growing up, it was different.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: They spoke Spanish only inside the house, but that's because at that time there was something called a gag law, where Puerto Ricans could not display a Puerto Rican flag or speak or sing any patriotic songs.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was dangerous to speak Spanish outside of the house.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, I didn't speak it in the house, I only spoke English, so I learned it from all of my co-workers when I started working.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And all of my co-workers were Mexican.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So my Spanish is very confusing.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm a Puerto Rican who speaks Spanish with a Mexican accent, but uses Puerto Rican and Mexican terminology.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: My Spanish sounds like what a ransom note looks like.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: People who are fluent in Spanish hear me speak Spanish and they're like, where are you from?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, man.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to figure it out.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: My son does, he speaks Spanish, but he's nervous in Spanish, so he like whispers in Spanish.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's adorable and creepy.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Kids do not know the rules of whispering.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So they just like do it whenever.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be like washing the dishes, and behind me I hear siete.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Mommy's gonna burn some sage now.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Try to get the demon of Columbus out of you.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, we should start with this.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I should have started here.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know I was pregnant.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: We should have probably started there.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I knew before the delivery date.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like I didn't show up at the hospital like my tummy hurts.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't know for a while.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be real with y'all, I didn't know for a while.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then people are like, how did you not know?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that that's what happens when your weight fluctuates.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody talks about this.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: But my weight went up and I was like, oh, I'm fat again.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I wasn't mad about it.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, who's thick?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You thick?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Al.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: My thighs got bigger.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm about to change some lives.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went to a doctor and he was like, nah, that's a person.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's wrong with you?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a whole baby.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's a foot?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that was gas.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's wild.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You sure check again.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I ate some cheese earlier.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You might see a block of breathing.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: That looks like a foot.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: But it was a whole baby.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Freaked out, I'm not gonna lie.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: But as soon as I saw that first like ultrasound, I was sold.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: That was it, I was sold, man.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I had a great pregnancy.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had no complications, no morning sickness, and all my girlfriends who had kids were like, must be nice.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, it was.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can't help it if I'm God's favorite, man.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Pick a God, any God.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a favorite across the board, man.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I thought about it, but I'm also a person that has anxiety, so like, if you have anxiety, you know you're gonna spiral no matter what.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when things go good, you're just waiting for something bad to happen.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's an anxiety's a terrible trap that we get caught up in.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because here I was having the most beautiful pregnancy, and all I kept thinking was something's gonna go wrong.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Something's gonna go wrong.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, I thought of something.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because you think hard enough, you're gonna create a problem.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And right away I was like, oh, I know what it is.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know I was pregnant for a while.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a weed smoker.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, maybe my baby's a little too relaxed.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I panicked immediately, went to the doctor.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Immediately went to the doctor.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I was so afraid.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was so afraid to tell the doctor I thought I was gonna get arrested.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm about to orange as a new black this whole pregnancy.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was ready to get locked up.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I told the doctor, I was like, hey doc, I don't know how to tell you this, but I didn't know I was pregnant for a while, and I'm a weed smoker.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, me too.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: What are we talking about right now?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, you got a plug, sir.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: We ran a bunch of tests, everything was fine.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, everything was fine.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, everything was fine.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: But that never stops the spiral.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: The spiral was gonna happen whether or not everything was fine.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was spiraling, and when you spiral, there was no rationale in it.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you have no ability to stop yourself from going to the craziest lengths when you spiral.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my god, I was going crazy.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm gonna go to push, and the room's gonna fill with smoke.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just like a Snoop Dogg video.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: My son comes out like, whang, two, three.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that was a silly one, but we all went with it.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was fine.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you something, man.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Giving birth during the pandemic was wild.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was wild, man.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: They ushered us all into this, like all the pregnant women into this one room.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't all arrive at the same time.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: But they ushered us all into this one room and then separated us by curtains.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's my first kid, so I was like, this seems legit.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure those are special pandemic curtains.