Latest / Two Personal with Joy Taylor / Motherhood Is Nobody's Business

Transcript

Motherhood Is Nobody's Business · Two Personal with Joy Taylor

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: If I could have one wish for the world, it
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: would be that men and women could get pregnant. Hey, guys,
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: welcome to Personal. It's Joy Taylor. Thanks so much for
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: joining us this week. Hope you had an amazing weekend.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: If you haven't already, make sure that you hit subscribe
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: and follow us on social At Too Personal Show. We'll
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: also get to Never Too Personal, as we do every
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: single week later in the show. I have a really
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: good question this week. Still a lot of only fans questions.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I feel like we covered that, but and the beat
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: picks as well, but some thoughtful ones have crept through
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: as well, so we'll get to one of those a
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: little bit later. But I wanted to talk about motherhood
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: this week, and this is a topic that I've visited
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: a few times, and being that it is a layered topic,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: there's ways to revisit it. And I was thinking about
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: it over the weekend because I'm going to have my
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  Speaker 1: fifteenth niece or nephew. I number fifteen is on the way,
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  Speaker 1: and so often the conversation about motherhood comes up. I
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: don't get asked about having kids by people that know
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: me well anymore. There was a bit of a chapter
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: over the past few years where almost everyone was asking
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: me if I was going to have kids, And there
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: was also a chapter where every one that I dated
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  Speaker 1: was insisting on having children, and that was also very weird,
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  Speaker 1: because I'm very open about not wanting children, and so
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  Speaker 1: I don't get asked about it too much from people
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: that know me well people that don't know me. I
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: still think it's a very weird question, because you never
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: know what someone's personal journey with motherhood is or where
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: along that journey they are. But I was just thinking
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  Speaker 1: about the public conversation around motherhood as it currently stands,
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  Speaker 1: and just this frantic energy around femininity and what it
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  Speaker 1: means to be a mother and the right kind of
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  Speaker 1: mother and the right kind of woman and a traditional
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  Speaker 1: woman and someone who wants to have children and wants
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: to fulfill their destiny of being a mother, and all
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  Speaker 1: of this pressure and conversation that we have around motherhood.
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  Speaker 1: And I think, in some ways I observe it so
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  Speaker 1: much because I don't want to be a mother that
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  Speaker 1: I see the pressures that are put on women who
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  Speaker 1: want to be mothers, who are mothers who have grown
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  Speaker 1: children now, who are grandmothers who have wanted to be
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  Speaker 1: mothers and have lost children or have had really complicated
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: pregnancies who are still recovering from pregnancy. There's all these
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  Speaker 1: different elements to motherhood that just kind of get broad
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: strokes by the public conversation around motherhood right now. And
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  Speaker 1: while I certainly blame the patriarchy as I should, and
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  Speaker 1: I certainly blame men in power who make laws about
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  Speaker 1: women's bodies, I also blame women as well because the
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  Speaker 1: pressure and the conversation about how to be a mom
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  Speaker 1: and when to be a mom and why you should
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  Speaker 1: want to be a mom, and how many times who
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: should be a mom and in the way that you
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  Speaker 1: become a mom or who you become a mom with,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: or what and where you raise your child and what
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  Speaker 1: kind of formula you give them, and if you breastfeed
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  Speaker 1: or nots and if they're homeschooled or if they go
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  Speaker 1: to private school, or if they have.
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  Speaker 2: Tutors, or what kind of extracurriculars.
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  Speaker 1: They are, if you allow them to be themselves, if
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  Speaker 1: they are gay, or if they're creative or they're athletes.
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  Speaker 1: Like there's just these endless boxes to tick when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to children and motherhood, and we don't have these
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  Speaker 1: conversations about fatherhood.
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  Speaker 2: We don't. We always put it on the mother first.
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  Speaker 2: Sometimes it gets put into parents, but it is never
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  Speaker 2: just the father.
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  Speaker 1: It's always either the mother or the parents. It's not
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  Speaker 1: an independent What is the father going to do about this?
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  Speaker 2: What is the how? How's the father examining this? It's
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  Speaker 2: never about that.
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  Speaker 1: And what really strikes me is just how complicated pregnancy is.
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  Speaker 1: I'm I'm at my social laws baby shower this weekend
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  Speaker 1: and listening to the conversations about when she's due and
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  Speaker 1: whether it's going to be a c section or not,
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  Speaker 1: and how you know, did she go to term with
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  Speaker 1: the first baby? And you know how much did they weigh?
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  Speaker 1: And there's there's so many different factors. And the weekend
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  Speaker 1: before I was talking to someone who had an at
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  Speaker 1: home birth and all the judgment that comes with that,
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  Speaker 1: and well, what's so risky? What if something happens and
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  Speaker 1: you're not at the hospital and your husband has.
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  Speaker 2: To do this, and and and and.
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  Speaker 1: There has to be a midwife there and a doulah
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  Speaker 1: and what kind of blood work you have to do?
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  Speaker 1: And as complicated as pregnancy is, as complicated as motherhood is,
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  Speaker 1: as much pressure as there is to be this perfect
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  Speaker 1: version of the hardest thing you will ever do. I
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  Speaker 1: just find it so fascinating that we minimize it by
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  Speaker 1: talking about having kids the way that we do.
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  Speaker 2: It's so complicated to get pregnant.
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  Speaker 1: To carry the baby, to deliver a healthy baby or
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  Speaker 1: a live baby, to then get through postpartum, and then
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  Speaker 1: you have an infant to raise. And if you're a
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  Speaker 1: first time mom, you have no experience and nothing at
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  Speaker 1: all can ever prepare you for it, because there is
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  Speaker 1: no experience like being a first time mother and having
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  Speaker 1: to go through all of that with your body, or
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  Speaker 1: even if you don't do that, even if you have
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  Speaker 1: a surrogate, Like there's just there's so much to it.
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  Speaker 1: And when I hear all the conversations around it, and
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  Speaker 1: I see the conversations, particularly from this trad wife Moved movement,
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  Speaker 1: about how it's a woman's purpose and you know, so
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  Speaker 1: much about feminism is, you know, taking away a woman's
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  Speaker 1: natural desire to do this, and we need women.
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  Speaker 2: To get back to what they're like.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like that is more minimizing to motherhood than.
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  Speaker 2: The other side of it. I think people who.
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  Speaker 1: Are women who are actively choosing not to have children,
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  Speaker 1: who are waiting until later on in life to have
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  Speaker 1: children who are building their careers and their money and
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  Speaker 1: establishing themselves, and then finding partners who are choosing not
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  Speaker 1: to have partners at all, women who are freezing their eggs,
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  Speaker 1: women who are choosing to have smaller families. Like I
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  Speaker 1: feel like that side of things is actually honoring and
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  Speaker 1: paying attention to the complex nature and physical toll that
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  Speaker 1: pregnancy and delivery and postpartum has for women and what
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  Speaker 1: motherhood is for women. Then this broad stroke of traditional
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  Speaker 1: like this is what it is, just pop kids out.
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  Speaker 1: I think it plays a huge role in maternal mortality rates.
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  Speaker 2: I think it plays a huge role in.
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  Speaker 1: How people are raising their children from a young age,
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  Speaker 1: and the support that they have within their communities, within
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  Speaker 1: their families. The entire conversation about the birth rate and
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  Speaker 1: how people can just suck it up and people who
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  Speaker 1: have had less have had children and they've figured it out,
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  Speaker 1: like having a child is so hard, Getting pregnant and
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  Speaker 1: having a having a healthy child and healthy mother is
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  Speaker 1: so hard. And you can do everything right and it
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  Speaker 1: can still go wrong. You can eat perfect, you can
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  Speaker 1: eat all the fruits, you cannot have sushi, you cannot
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  Speaker 1: have the belly meats. You can do all, you can do,
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  Speaker 1: everything perfect, and it still go wrong. There's so much
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  Speaker 1: to it, and then so much after that once the
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  Speaker 1: baby is here. I just wish we would just have
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  Speaker 1: the real conversation in the way that I wish we
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: would have real conversations about money, in the way we
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  Speaker 1: should have real conversations about marriage and divorce and education
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  Speaker 1: and getting old and menopause and perimenopause. Like we need
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  Speaker 1: to have real conversations about motherhood and pregnancy, and stop
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  Speaker 1: stroking it with this patriarchal tad wife bullshit. That is
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  Speaker 1: just this thing you're supposed to do. What about for
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  Speaker 1: the women who can't get pregnant, What about for the
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  Speaker 1: women who have gotten pregnant and tragically lost their child?
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  Speaker 1: What about for the women who have had horrific pregnancy
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  Speaker 1: experiences where their body has gone through full on trauma
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  Speaker 1: and they are functioning after one child? Stop broad stroking
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  Speaker 1: what is an elaborate, scary experience where you're putting your
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  Speaker 1: life and body on the line to bring a child
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  Speaker 1: into this world. I read something somewhere that war is
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  Speaker 1: easy for men. It is easier for men because only
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  Speaker 1: a woman knows how hard it is to bring a
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  Speaker 1: life into this world. And I'm probably butchering that quote,
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  Speaker 1: but it really stuck with me because I think in
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  Speaker 1: all the conversations that we have about pro life, about abortion,
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  Speaker 1: about maternal mortality rates, about chidwives, about this gender war,
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  Speaker 1: about the dropping birth rate, everything is just broad stroked
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  Speaker 1: as if it is just this thing that everyone can
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  Speaker 1: do and everyone should just embrace it and it's easy
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  Speaker 1: and you figure it out, and you, oh, you owe
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  Speaker 1: it to society to make children, Like, get the fuck
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  Speaker 1: out of here. I have been around child children my
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  Speaker 1: entire life.
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  Speaker 2: I am not a mother. I have not been pregnant.
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  Speaker 1: I know how hard it is to do that because
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  Speaker 1: I have eyeballs, because I have the ability to see
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  Speaker 1: someone else experience something and be able to apply what
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  Speaker 1: that experience would be for my life. I respect those
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  Speaker 1: struggles and that is why I hold it in such
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  Speaker 1: a high regard. And it's just if I could have
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  Speaker 1: one wish for the world, it would be that men
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  Speaker 1: and women could get pregnant. Because if men and women
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  Speaker 1: could be pregnant, we would not be having these conversations.
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  Speaker 1: This would not be an issue. If Mega get pregnant,
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  Speaker 1: you could get an abortion and a drive through. If
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  Speaker 1: Mega get pregnant, the studies that would have been done
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  Speaker 1: on giving birth, you could give birth and feel absolutely
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  Speaker 1: nothing and recover in three days. Advancements that would have
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  Speaker 1: been done in the medical field to make childbirth as seamless,
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  Speaker 1: as safe, as comfortable, the recovery, all of it, as
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  Speaker 1: perfect as possible, would be light years beyond what we
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  Speaker 1: are right now. I think when we just start working
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  Speaker 1: on lady scientists is figuring out how.
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  Speaker 2: To get men pregnant. I think that's my solution.
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  Speaker 1: I'm always looking for society solutions, and I think that's
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  Speaker 1: what it is. I'm really not making this a men
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  Speaker 1: or women thing, because I think women are guilty as
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  Speaker 1: well of saying things like, you know what I suffered,
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  Speaker 1: so why can't you.
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  Speaker 2: It's not that bad, get over it. You'll figure it out.
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  Speaker 2: We all have. That's not good reasoning.
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  Speaker 1: It's pathetic and it's weak, and it's dismissal of what
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  Speaker 1: is a very very serious thing. And just because it
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  Speaker 1: went smoothly for you does not mean it will go
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  Speaker 1: smoothly for the next person. And if you really care
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  Speaker 1: about family, and you really care about women, and you
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  Speaker 1: really care about women making babies, then this should be
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  Speaker 1: a broader, much more complicated, much more nuanced, much more
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  Speaker 1: real conversation. So since we're not going to do that,
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  Speaker 1: I think the other solution is to make it so
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  Speaker 1: that men can have babies. What do you think happens first?
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: All right, well that's time to get to Never Too Personal.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: If you want to be a part of the show,
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: email us at two Personal Podcasts at gmail dot com,
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: or you can send us a DM.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: On social at two Personal Show.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: This question is is it worth trying to fix a
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: relationship with my mother?
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  Speaker 2: Who is toxic? What an appropriate question for this week?
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  Speaker 1: So I will say this, I need a lot more
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  Speaker 1: context to this question.
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  Speaker 2: I need to know.
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  Speaker 1: What's happening now, what happened before? Why is she toxic?
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  Speaker 1: What is the toxic How long has this toxic experience
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  Speaker 1: been going on for? What are the dynamics of your
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  Speaker 1: relationship of your family?
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  Speaker 2: There are a lot of questions that.
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  Speaker 1: I have, so I can't answer this particular question directly,
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  Speaker 1: but what I will say is this, I am the
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  Speaker 1: final boss of cutting family off. Like I do not
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  Speaker 1: care who you are to me?
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  Speaker 2: If you disrupt my piece consistently.
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  Speaker 1: If you are a person who completely lacks integrity and accountability, kindness, empathy, dignity.
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  Speaker 2: Respect, you're not going to have a place in my life.
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  Speaker 1: I don't care if you are my family, my friends,
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  Speaker 1: my partner in business. I do not care about cutting
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  Speaker 1: people off. I feel nothing about it. And the reason
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: I feel nothing about it is because you don't feel
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  Speaker 1: anything about it. If that person is not acting the
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: way that they should, meaning that they care about me
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: or my peace, or my happiness or my heart, why
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: would I care about cutting them off. They don't like
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  Speaker 1: me at base, they don't like me. Further, they might
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  Speaker 1: hate me. So I think when it comes to cutting
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  Speaker 1: off toxic family members or fixing it trying to fix
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  Speaker 1: a relationship with a mother who is toxic, which is
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  Speaker 1: the question. I have toxic family members, and I for
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  Speaker 1: some of those relationships, I have tried to fix them.
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  Speaker 1: Once I realize that this is truly who this person is,
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  Speaker 1: I no longer try to fix it because whether they're
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: family or not is irrelevant to me. Just because you
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: are my family member does not mean that you give
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: a fuck about me at all, And it is a
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: very old school mentality of well, that's blood, so you.
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  Speaker 2: Got to deal with it. No the fuck I do not, No,
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  Speaker 2: I don't know, I don't and I won't. And it hurts.
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  Speaker 2: Like if it's a parent.
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  Speaker 1: Or if it's a sibling or a cousin or an
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: aunt or uncle, it doesn't matter who it is. If
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: you've had a close relationship with that person and they
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: continue to be toxic and not value you, it can
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: really hurt to cut them off, and you might feel
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: inclined to give them another chance and try to work
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: through it. My thing is, if they haven't taken any
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: accountability for their actions, why are you trying to fix it?
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: Because you're really just hoping that they're going to change,
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: and that's not a good strategy.
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: I don't out Again.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I can't broad stroke a situation because I don't know
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: anything about it. But when it comes to toxic parents,
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: they got years and years and years and years and
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: years of work to do, and what's more than likely
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: is they're not going to do the work because that's
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: what their generation has taught them to do. They'd have
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: to really be heartbroken about losing your relationship with you
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: and show actions and not just words that their toxic
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: ways have ended, or that they're working on it. At
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: the end of the day, you only have but so
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: much time on this earth, and nobody is giving out
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: struggle prizes. There's no oppression Olympics. There's no struggle Olympics.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: You don't get the gold medal for having suffered the most,
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: So why are you putting yourself through it? It can
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: be heartbreaking to let a family member go because of
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: their toxicity. It can be, and it's fair, and it
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: is it's almost like a death, especially if it's failing,
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: because it's I mean, your mother's that's a irreplaceable relationship.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: But if that person doesn't value you, and that person
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: is causing you extreme distress in the way, a toxic person,
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: not just a you know, sad person or a person
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: who's struggling or you know, somebody who might be a
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: little bit selfish.
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  Speaker 2: A toxic person can ruin your.
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  Speaker 1: Life and you have to have boundaries strong enough to
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: prevent them from doing that. So, again, I don't know
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: the nuance of the situation. I will say for me,
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: I do not allow to people in my spaces. You
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: are not allowed around me. I cannot deal with it.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: I've been through it enough times to know that there
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: is absolutely no value. You do not win any award
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: for surviving the most toxic person on earth. I've looked,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: I've searched high and low. There are no such games
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: that exist. They do not hand out those prizes. You
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: get an l That's what it is, especially if it's
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: my choice. Sometimes with family, it can feel like it's
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: not your choice. But your life is yours, and if
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: this person is ruining it, they shouldn't have a space
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: in your life. And they're not oweded, not by you
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: or by anyone else. So I hope that helps.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: Good luck. That sounds horrible. I'm sorry that's happening to you.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: But if you want to be a part of the
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: show too, Personal podcasts at gmail dot com, and you
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: can also dm us at two Personal Show, protect your
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: peace and join us for the next episode, and make
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: sure you hit subscribe and follow us by