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Happy Hour #32: Just Say No · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, A stuff I never
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: told you protection I high Radio and welcome. Thank you
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: for joining us for another happy hour. As always, if
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: you choose to drink whatever it may be, so responsibly,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: what are you used to fig on? Samantha. You know,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I haven't been feeling too wonderfully lately emotionally, so I
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: have decided to keep it non alcoholic today and I'm
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: doing some my Bubble water with my raspberry Bubble flavorings
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: that I love. I do know what it's called Bubble,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: so the brand that has a little bubbles, and I
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: think Michael bubl is the campaign person, but it's actually
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I think it's Bubble. Someone may tell me differently, but anyway,
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: it's not sponsored obviously by them, but I enjoy it.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: You gave us the Sparkling Water Machine. Sparkling Water Machine,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: which I actually a sponsor on the other show. I do. No,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: I am not being biased. That's what I am slipping
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: on because I want to feel lively and bubble in
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: my emotional despair. Well, I hope that works. It sounds
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: lovely right right. Yes. I am drinking Gin Lucuras how
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: because I'm trying to get rid of this massive bottled
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: blue cors Oh my gosh, it's that you're gonna be
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: drinking it forever. I think you may just need to
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: keep it as something that you use every now and again.
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: I'm not still like I'm planning on plowing through it
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: or anything, but it is quite a bit. Yeah, I
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: probably will that we will be buried with me when
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: I die. Here lies any Ner bottle Blue Girls now
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: and some sparkling water and some rosemary. It's very nice.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: It's very pretty color. But I'm drinking it in a
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: glass that you can't see, so but you'll you'll just
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: trust me. It's very pretty. Um So, today's what it
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: should be. Short. This is something that's been on my
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: mind a lot, and I think it's been coming up
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: in a lot of episodes we've done recently, which is
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: this whole idea I've jokingly been calling in my head
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: just say no, and they're gonna be maybe brief discussion
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: of sexual but nothing in depth at all. But yeah, so,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: as I've been going over it's hard for me. It's
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: like I've really separated myself from my body and it's
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: hard for me to know what I want. Um So,
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I'm really reliant on like hues I pick up from
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: other people and what they want, and then I'll try
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: to like do that. That's not to say there aren't
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: things that I just want and I know that I
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: want them, you know, Star Wars and fan fiction being
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: right up there. But certainly in social situations, it's usually
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: when I'm dealing with other people. When I'm by myself,
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: I'm better at figuring out what that might be. But
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: when I'm with other people, I can get really confused,
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: and it can cause a lot of problems because people,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: you know, sometimes interpret that pause or hesitation as oh,
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: you don't really want this, which might not be true.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: It might be, but it's like I'm just someone who
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: asked the process things. And I know we've talked about
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: that Samantha before, where we're we can both be people
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: who would like kind of like just sit and take
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: something in and like think about it. Um. We've talked
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: before too about how I believe we talked about this
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: on the show. We've definitely talked about it in person,
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: about how you sometimes like legitimately don't care and so
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: you're like you want other people to decide because you've
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: legitimately don't care, but if you do, then you'll be like, Okay,
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: I want barbecue or whatever whatever it is. Yes, And
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I think you know, I know I've said before, and
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: this is this came up recently because I was hanging
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: out with some people recently where I cause problems by
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: not trying to cause problems, because people do. If if
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: people are your friends, they want to make you happy
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: and they want to take care of you, and by
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: I think it can get messy when you know you've
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: got your level of trauma and your level of processing
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: distance one, when you have low self esteem and you
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: think no one could possibly want to do that stuff
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: for you too, um three. But there's also like social
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: the social aspect of like I don't want someone to
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: go out of their way, and I feel like that
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: all comes together for me and it becomes this messy
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: just like almost freeze reaction I have where I don't
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: know what I want and I don't want to do
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: anything wrong, and I it's scary because that is part
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: of that did happen in sexual assaults and experience where
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: I was like do I want this? And I didn't,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: but I like frozen in that moment it was like
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: maybe I do, maybe I should, like all of these
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: questions and not trusting myself at all to know what
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: I want to express it in a firm, clear way
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: that I isn't like, well, I'd rather not, but if
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: you want, you know, like that. And when we also
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: were recently talking about like our moms and one of
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: the things you know, we wish had told us, and
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: mine was like, I wish because I observed her and
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: she was awesome, very much like this that I wish
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: she had told me it's okay to say no, because
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: this has just been from a very young age. This
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: has been ingrained in me, like be a people pleaser,
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: and that usually means going along with whatever they want
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: to do, and your needs and wants are always secondary,
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: and that becomes so so much of how I operate.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: And I think for a lot of women that this
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: is the case. Um And and there's a lot of
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: aspects to that that we've talked about as well, of
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: like the safety of saying no, all these other considerations
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: we have to put into it. But that's like a
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: large preamble for what I want to just say is
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: like recently I've been really practicing it and act your
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: sciahs where I'm like trying to check in with myself
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: and just say no, it's so powerful. Um. It's silly
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: how it can be such a small thing and I'll
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: feel like, look what you've just accomplished. And it's usually
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: the other person is like fine with it, They're like okay,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: but I get so so worked up about it. And
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: one of the big things, which I also talked about
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: it on Monday many recently for me, is food, because
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: I want people to eat things and enjoy things, and
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I feel like if I say no, they won't do it,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: and I want them to do it, and so I'll
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: say yes. But um, recently this past weekend I did.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: I had a couple of instances of nope, thank you,
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: thank you, um. And I know it's it sounds so silly,
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: but it is like, it is that the whole thing
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: that I've really been harping on at least three being
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: mindful about why you do things and what you want.
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: And I will say that it was easier for a
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: lot of reasons. It's easier for a lot of obvious
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: reasons to do it among friends and around food, especially
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: when there had been so much food so I was like,
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: legitimately full, but I'm hoping that this will expand to
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: other things. And and also just yeah again being able
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: to say yes and believe it, like also um that
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: I want it, And again a lot of things I
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: say yes you I do ultimately want to do. It's
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: just that it's that moment of in decision and not
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: knowing for sure and just going along with it, whereas
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: I want to be like, yes, you do want to
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: do this, yes or no you don't. And it sounds
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: so basic, but it is very dangerous when it comes
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: to things like sexual assault or knowing what you want
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: a relationship. Is just something I really really struggled with
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: because it was always about the other person for me
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: and feeling guilty about not doing what they want and
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: that's just not a place to make healthy decisions trump
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: And also um uh yeah, I do wish. I do
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: wish that I had learned that at a younger age
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: that that was okay. And also um that I didn't
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: because I mean, people who know you know I will
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: say no. If there's something I really don't want to
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: do it, I'll be like no, But it almost has
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: to become like such an over the top thing, whereas
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: I want to be able to just be like, no,
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: I have to make it a big ordeal. And then
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: people are like, why are you making it a big ordeal?
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't know. I don't want to.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: She really doesn't want to play the game Catania. This
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: is true. I would do it for you. I would
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: do it. You would say it as a joke because
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: she her reaction her because big eyes and no. Essentially,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I was burnt by the sheep. Everyone burnt burnt by
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: the sheep. But yeah, that's all I really wanted to
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: talk about today. I know it's really simple, but it
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: has such larger implications and it is really that just knowing,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: knowing yourself and knowing you want. It's such a like
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: it's a big deal and it's a relief and there's
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: stability in that. Yeah, I don't know if it's coming
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: up or if it's already happened or for those who
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: don't listen in order if you ever hear this, uh,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: in our recent episode for our book club, we just
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: talk about the whole fact that No. She talks about Oh,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: I guess it's the second part. She talks about the
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: fact that that is a societal failing when we can't
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: just say no essentially um, whatever it maybe, or have
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: to make an excuse for not wanting thing or not
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: doing something. And I think that's that overall thing is
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: especially as women being told to be polite. Polite means
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: accepting whatever's given to you. So accepting food, you know
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: you have to accept it, don't say no, don't turn
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: something down, being asked on a date, being talked to, like,
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: even if we're uncomfortable, if we're not polite about it,
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: we're seen as rude, and it's a failing on us
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: instead of being oh wait, they're violating my rights and
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: my own bodily space by coming over here talking to
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: me when I have my headphones in and obviously working.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: Why are you standing here? Like There's been so many
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: videos recently and I love this and I'm glad it's happening.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: When we see young women just minding their own damn
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: business being approached by men and will they will not
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: go away, take no for an answer or take any
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: hints um, and then eventually being told and usually within
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: the same video or a comment section where we're being rude.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: There's no need to be rude. That needs to be
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: taken out of that conversation all the together. How about
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: it was rude to not take the hint. Sure, you
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: can shoot your shot, but if you've been turned down,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: that's the end of story over. And especially if you're
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: coming as to a young girl, and this was many
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: of those where they're obviously teenage girls and you are
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: a fifty forty year old man, twenty year old man,
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: and you see this, you are out of bounds, point blank.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: And this whole narrative that we need to be nice
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: to strangers, which is fed into women all together, is
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: that we have to be nice to strangers and be polite.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: That should be thrown out the window. And I know
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: it's slowly happening, thank god, but there's still that large
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: narrative of but you need to be polite. And of
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: course you've already said this part about you know, this
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: is part of our safety. We just make up things
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: for our safety. So making a partner so when they
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: hear the rejection, they truly hear the rejection. But don't
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: be wrong. When I was a nanny, it didn't matter.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: I got hit on by men who I thought were
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: safe because they were married and I was like, what's happening.
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: So that's a whole different conversation we could have, and
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: not just when I was a nanny, but it just
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: happened to be that I was around people with children,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: so that what I was seeing, or the fact that, yeah,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: there has to be an excuse that I'm not interested
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: in you. There has to be an excuse I don't
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: want to hang out with you any of those conversations,
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: or yeah, that I'm just not hungry. And don't get
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: me wrong, I'm one of these that takes a little
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: bit of an offense and I tried not to. If
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: I've made something and you don't try it, I'm like,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: you don't like me. That's really what you rejected me.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: But that's also but that's also part of the narrative
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: that we have to stop, is that we can't take
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: this as a personal offense against us individually. And unfortunately
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: we've gotten caught up in that as well, because we're
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: seeing that if you deny something, that's an extreme form
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: of rejection because we're told to not do it. So
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: this is double warming. But yeah, I don't mind saying
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: I don't want to come out like I think the
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: pandemic has really helped with my narrative. Like, Hey, I'm
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: an introvert, I don't want to be out long. I'm
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: good bye. I will quickly leave. I'll be like, I'm sleepy,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: I'm leaving. I'm gonna go upstairs and taking y'all gonna
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: hang out right, Yeah, yeah, And I mean there's so
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: many things that's kind of hesitated to even bring this
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: one up because there are so many other things that play.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: And like when I'm talking about food, there's also you
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: have to take into account. Like a lot of times
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: I'm thinking about friends who are women who are, you know,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: very obsessed with their diet. Maybe I don't like to
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: eat some word of obsessed, but yeah, they're very concerned
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: about their diet. And when they are like, oh, I
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: want to order fries, but only if you'll get them,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: I totally understand that impulse. I do that too, And
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: I also don't want to eat a hole plate of fries.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I want to share them. But because of that then
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: I'll be like, oh, I don't want them, but I'll
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: say yeah, Like you know, there's a lot of like
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: complications and gradations within all of this, and those are
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: things that you know, I and I would imagine a
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: lot of people, and in this case, a lot of
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: women are thinking of that because we do. We have
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: been largely socialized to make people happy and to think
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: about other people and do what we can to facilitate
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: their happiness. And then at the same time, I'm also
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: I know I've talked about it before. I have terrible
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: coping mechanisms and I'm trying to get better and I
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: am working on it. But one of them is if
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I'm out with people like me for me being busy,
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: even though I do like it, I love it. It's
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: kind of it's part of my identity. And that's why
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: it's been so hard to break is I'm sort of
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: known as like that person who's so busy and she
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: will go if you invite her, she will go. And
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: I do want to do those things, but I have
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: no off I have no stop and I should stop
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: and I need sleep or I need to just go
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: home and not be out and about wild. But it's
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: a coping mechanism that's not very healthy because it's I
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: don't want to go home and deal with whatever thing
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: is on my mind or I know will keep me
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: up tonight. Or whatever it is. And I am also
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: very paranoid that I'll just lose all my friends suddenly,
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: like they'll be like, oh, she didn't come out this
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: one time, I'll never ask her again. So there is
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: a lot. I mean, it's it's when I say just
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: say no, in the power of saying no, I do
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: truly believe it, but there is it's not as easy
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: as that, which is why I kind of hesitated. I do.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: I did want to talk about like my experiences of
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: my phrase, if it recently, and how I felt. But
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: it's I am under no disillusion that it is much
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: more complicated for a lot. I mean, all kinds of
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: things come into play, at least for me when I'm
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: thinking about like saying no, and what are they going
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: to interpret that ass and the oh no, what are
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: canny be their amplications of this? All this, I think
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: I'm more I'm more like it's not even that that
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about. I'm more talking about like I just
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: want personally to know maybe I've all no inside my
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: head the answer is yes or no, and I'll still
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: say the opposite, but I want to know it myself,
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. That's kind of more what
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: I'm talking about, right, to know what you want instead
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: of just going with the flow, yes, and to be
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: confident in it and to be like, Okay, I want
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: this and and and and kind of what we were
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: talking about in the recent book Club two of like
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: that being fine, like I don't have to maybe the
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: answer is no, and I don't really know why, but
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: that's okay. Like the answer is just no, what you
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: feel right now and it could change later. Yeah, exactly exactly.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: So cheers to that. Cheers, clink clink, yes, and cheers
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: to your listeners. Thank you as always for joining us,
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: and if you would like to contact us, we always
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: love hearing from you. Our email is Stuff Media Mom
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: Stuff at i heeart media dot com. You can find
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: us on Twitter at moms of podcast or on Instagram
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: and Stuff I've Never Told You. Thanks as always to
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: our super producer, Christina. Cheers, Christina, Yes, cheers, and thanks
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: to you for listening Stuff under Told these protection of
• 16:51
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