Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #359 Best of - 'Creating Margin'

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#359 Best of - 'Creating Margin' · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Good day.
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Coulson, the author of six books
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  Speaker 2: about raising happy families and the founder of happy Families
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  Speaker 2: dot com dot au. Here with Kylie my wife, podcast
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  Speaker 2: co host and mum to our six daughters.
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  Speaker 1: Because at school.
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  Speaker 2: Holidays we are sharing with you podcast conversations that matter.
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  Speaker 1: We think that this one is going to be really important.
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  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the.
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  Speaker 1: Time poor parent who just wants answers.
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  Speaker 3: Now, the first one is intention, and I think it's
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  Speaker 3: just so important that we actually work out what our
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  Speaker 3: intention is, what are we actually hoping to get out
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  Speaker 3: of what? And now here's the stars of our show,
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  Speaker 3: my mum and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six
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  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families. Here with Kylie, my wife
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  Speaker 2: and co hosts and the mum to our six daughters.
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  Speaker 3: And I want to highlight another of you on the
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  Speaker 3: podcas Us from Apple Podcasts.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: Even coming in like every day Thick and Fast, five
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  Speaker 2: star reviews all of them, which is so wonderful.
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  Speaker 1: Thank you.
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  Speaker 3: This one's super short, but it's wonderful practical series from
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  Speaker 3: Therema from.
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  Speaker 1: Switzerland, Hey, thanks so much. Threema.
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  Speaker 2: We really appreciate that those five star reviews help other
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  Speaker 2: people to find out about the podcast, and it can
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  Speaker 2: literally be three words. You can just say wonderful, practical
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  Speaker 2: series and write your name where you're from.
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  Speaker 1: That's all we need. So five stars, super thank you
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  Speaker 1: so much. Therema.
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  Speaker 3: So today I thought that we might tackle something that
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  Speaker 3: you and I actually struggle with a fair but well,
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  Speaker 3: actually I'm going to push this all onto you. This
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  Speaker 3: is something you.
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  Speaker 1: Struggle with a lot.
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  Speaker 3: I've really made some conscious efforts this year to be
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  Speaker 3: more intentional about how I spend my time, and in
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  Speaker 3: particular actually saying no, I'm feeling.
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  Speaker 2: A little bit attacked here. I'm feeling a little bit threatened.
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  Speaker 2: Are you saying that I don't say knowing that I'm
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  Speaker 2: not intentional.
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  Speaker 3: There is a little quote that you use a lot
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  Speaker 3: in our house, and it's bite off for more than
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  Speaker 3: you can chew. Does it sound like anything you might say?
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  Speaker 2: All right, So there's a little bit of history here.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't know you're going to go there. So basically,
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  Speaker 2: years and years and years ago, I was goofing off
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  Speaker 2: and coming up with kind of like a mantra or
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  Speaker 2: a motto for my life, like what's what's one line
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  Speaker 2: that describes what my life is? And I couldn't come
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  Speaker 2: up with one, but I came up with two, and
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  Speaker 2: the first one was always bite off more than I
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  Speaker 2: can chew, and the second one is make it up
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  Speaker 2: as you go along, because obviously, once you bite off
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  Speaker 2: more than you.
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  Speaker 1: Can chew, you got to you gotta just shoot from
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  Speaker 1: the hip.
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  Speaker 3: And you know what, I actually loved that about you
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  Speaker 3: because we have achieved things that we would never have
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  Speaker 3: achieved if you hadn't have done that.
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  Speaker 2: It makes life exciting when you just say yes to everything.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's also quite exhausting, it is.
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  Speaker 2: It reminds me of a really really I think Clever
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  Speaker 2: Seinfeld skit from years ago. It was on his show
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  Speaker 2: and I found it on YouTube. Have a listen and
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  Speaker 2: see if this sounds a bit like me.
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  Speaker 4: I never get enough sleep late at night because I'm
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  Speaker 4: made guy. I wants to stay up, leap What about
• 3:00
  Speaker 4: up after five hours sleeps? Oh, that's morning guys, That's
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  Speaker 4: not my problem.
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  Speaker 1: I'm nake guy. I see as leaders they want.
• 3:07
  Speaker 4: So you get up in the morning, you won. Exhausting gluggy.
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  Speaker 4: I hate that Nate Guy. See Nate Guy always screws
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  Speaker 4: the morning girl. There's nothing morning guy can do. The
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  Speaker 4: only morning guy can do is training overusly often enough
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  Speaker 4: so that dead guy loses a job and night guy
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  Speaker 4: has no.
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  Speaker 1: Money to go out anymore.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm kind of I just love it. I'm kind
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  Speaker 2: of a night guy, right, Oh, you're so a night guy.
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  Speaker 3: But it's even weekend guy. You look at our calendar
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  Speaker 3: at the beginning of the weekend, you realize that.
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  Speaker 1: We're completely and utterly free for.
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  Speaker 3: The weekend, and I'm thinking, this is awesome. No commitments.
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  Speaker 3: We can just get things done in the house, have
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  Speaker 3: some time with the kids, And all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 3: you've made suggestions, several suggestions, not just one, but several
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  Speaker 3: suggestions about what we might do to fill up that time.
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  Speaker 3: By the time we get to the weekend, we're so exhausted.
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  Speaker 3: You've booked in two or three social events that require
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  Speaker 3: our time, attention, and energy. And I'm looking at you,
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  Speaker 3: going I just want to go to bed.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, but if you buy it off more than you
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  Speaker 2: can chew, you get to have so much more fun.
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  Speaker 2: There's no fun in but well I shouldn't say there's
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  Speaker 2: no fun in bed.
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  Speaker 1: We have six children.
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  Speaker 2: But I think I can't believe you just said that,
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  Speaker 2: but I think that there's this thing going on with
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  Speaker 2: no milk. And I so years and years and years ago,
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  Speaker 2: I think we were expecting child number three or maybe
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  Speaker 2: child number four, and I decided that I was going
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  Speaker 2: to be noble and helpful around the house, and so
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  Speaker 2: I picked up all of the dirty washing.
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  Speaker 1: I made a.
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  Speaker 2: Darks pile, I made a white pile, and I made
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  Speaker 2: a pink spile because we had lots of little girls,
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  Speaker 2: and the darks pile was huge, and I thought, well,
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  Speaker 2: I'll start with the big pile. And you were expecting
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  Speaker 2: and so I was trying to do this so that
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  Speaker 2: you didn't have to do all of the housework, because
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  Speaker 2: you know, I was trying to be noble. And I
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  Speaker 2: stuffed a whole lot of clothing into the washing machine,
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  Speaker 2: like probably two and a half loads worth.
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  Speaker 1: I just kept on jamming it in there, more and
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  Speaker 1: more and more.
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  Speaker 2: Because there was I just thought, why would I do
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  Speaker 2: this in two or three loads when I can do
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  Speaker 2: it in one.
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  Speaker 1: When I pulled the.
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  Speaker 3: Washing me, Mum that's listening right now knows where this
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  Speaker 3: is going.
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  Speaker 2: I think I deserve points for trying anyway. So I've
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  Speaker 2: pulled the washing out, and as I'm pulling it out,
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  Speaker 2: it's dirtier coming out than it was when it went in,
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  Speaker 2: and there's all of this fuzz all over the washing,
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  Speaker 2: and like, what have I done here? That there's something
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  Speaker 2: the matter with the washing machine. You walked into the
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  Speaker 2: kitchen and I'm staring at the Harvey Norman Electrical Appliance catalog,
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  Speaker 2: thinking I need to buy a new washing machine for
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  Speaker 2: our family because this one's on the blink. And you
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  Speaker 2: then described it to me once you saw and diagnosed
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  Speaker 2: the problem that the washing machine doesn't work properly when
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  Speaker 2: you're try and cram too much in.
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  Speaker 3: It's kind of like the refrigerator when it's too full,
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  Speaker 3: it doesn't keep everything cold. You things go off so
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  Speaker 3: much faster. Our lives are exactly like that.
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  Speaker 1: Don't try to cram too much in.
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  Speaker 2: So what we want to do, as we finished the
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  Speaker 2: psychoanalysis of Justin Coulson and his desire to do all
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: things all the time, what we want to do is
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  Speaker 2: talk to about how we can create more margin in
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  Speaker 2: our lives.
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  Speaker 1: We'll do that right after the break.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
• 6:11
  Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:15
  Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The Do's and don'ts
• 6:17
  Speaker 5: of Discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
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  Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at happy
• 6:23
  Speaker 5: families dot com dot au slash shop.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now and today doctor
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  Speaker 3: Justin is looking for answers to create more margin in
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  Speaker 3: his life.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I clearly have no idea how to create breathing space.
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  Speaker 2: My life motto, like I said, is always bought up
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  Speaker 2: more than you can chew. And just to put this
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  Speaker 2: into context, if you look at my bedside table, there
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  Speaker 2: are how many books would you say are currently on
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  Speaker 2: my bedside table?
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  Speaker 3: Oh, you have a bookshelf for a bedside table. I
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  Speaker 3: actually need to buy you a bookshelf because the bedside table,
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  Speaker 3: the poor thing, is way down My piles and then
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  Speaker 3: most piles spill over onto the carpet because you can't
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  Speaker 3: possibly fit them all. I think at the moment you
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  Speaker 3: would have no less than thirty books at.
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  Speaker 2: The same time at your bedside at the same time
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  Speaker 2: we're trying to binge watch a new Netflix series that
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  Speaker 2: we've really enjoyed, and we can't.
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  Speaker 3: Do it once a week like the old days when
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  Speaker 3: you used to watch it come out.
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  Speaker 1: It makes me feel really bad. Here.
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  Speaker 3: Netflix is there so you can you can, you know,
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  Speaker 3: watch it when you and you know, watch it when
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  Speaker 3: you want.
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  Speaker 4: That's right.
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  Speaker 1: When I have no restraint, I have no restraint.
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  Speaker 2: When the Tour de France is on, I become night
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  Speaker 2: guy and I'll stay up until two o'clock watching the
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  Speaker 2: Tour de France, and then I expect to get up
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  Speaker 2: four hours later and function Are you sure you.
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  Speaker 3: Didn't have a conversation with Jerry before he did that skit?
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure he's talking about you, all right?
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  Speaker 2: So how do we create margin missus happy families? Because
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  Speaker 2: clearly it's not my strength.
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  Speaker 3: Look, I think there's three things that will really really
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  Speaker 3: make a difference for you, if you'll listen.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm on the couch.
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  Speaker 3: The first one is intention, and I think it's just
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  Speaker 3: so important that we actually work out what our intention is.
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  Speaker 3: What are we actually hoping to get out of life?
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  Speaker 1: Everything?
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  Speaker 2: Literally, I want to get everything out of life.
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  Speaker 3: We can't be good at everything, and we can't do everything,
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  Speaker 3: So what are the things that are most important? And
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  Speaker 3: that kind of I guess leads into the second part.
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  Speaker 2: I hang on, I just want to I want to
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  Speaker 2: drill down on this for a second, because as much
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  Speaker 2: as I've joked around, we have as a couple been
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  Speaker 2: breathtakingly intentional over the years as we've tried to refine
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  Speaker 2: that concept of what are the things that matter most?
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  Speaker 2: There's a quote from step and Ourcovey in his book
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  Speaker 2: Seven Habits of High Effective People where he says, the
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  Speaker 2: things that matter most must never be at the mercy
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  Speaker 2: of the things which matter least.
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  Speaker 3: I love that, and I love it because it's so
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  Speaker 3: easy for us to get caught up in the thick
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  Speaker 3: of thin things. We literally kind of get so caught
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  Speaker 3: up in all of these urgent disasters.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, or just need to watch Netflix. I'm sitting here
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  Speaker 2: nursing and Netflix hangover right now. That's the truth of it.
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  Speaker 2: We shouldn't have stayed up late last night watching that show,
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  Speaker 2: and now I've got a headache for it. But I
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  Speaker 2: was acting without intention. I wasn't keeping the main thing
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  Speaker 2: the main thing, and that's the main thing watching Netflix. No,
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  Speaker 2: keeping the main thing the main thing. That's the main thing,
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  Speaker 2: is to keep the main thing the main thing. So
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  Speaker 2: have intentional I actually know what the main thing is
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  Speaker 2: and then live according to it. This is actually a
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  Speaker 2: really great wake up call, and I think that we
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  Speaker 2: do need to change the way we're doing some things
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  Speaker 2: and the fact that I'm trying to do it all
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  Speaker 2: so intention.
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  Speaker 3: It's all about self control, right, It's all about discipline.
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  Speaker 3: It's all about recognizing where you're headed and what you
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  Speaker 3: need to do to get there. And that really leads
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  Speaker 3: in nicely to point number two, which is to plan
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  Speaker 3: our big rocks. You know, what are the things that
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: are most important for us to achieve, and they need
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  Speaker 3: to go in first before we add in all the
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: extra stuff, like you know, I'm biding friends over for
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: dinner on Saturday.
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  Speaker 2: Right, So, but get clear on your priorities. In other words,
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: if sleep, getting enough sleep is a priority. And I
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  Speaker 2: can't emphasize this, enough sleep is not a luxury item.
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  Speaker 2: As a parent, you don't we talked about this last Thursday.
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  Speaker 3: But don't get enough sleep?
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right, but it's not a luxury item. And
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  Speaker 2: the good quality sleep that you need should not be
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  Speaker 2: at the mercy of a Netflix series.
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  Speaker 1: Watch Netflix on a.
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  Speaker 2: Day where you actually do have the capacity in the
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  Speaker 2: time to do it.
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  Speaker 3: I think I'm putting this episode on repeat.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, So.
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  Speaker 2: Priority priorities, prioritize. Both of those woods combined tell us
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  Speaker 2: that once we've got our intention set, we've actually got
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  Speaker 2: to live it. What are our big rocks. What do
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: we put into the diary every single week? What do
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  Speaker 2: we maintain so that our family functions? Well, this could
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: be instructive for anybody who's sort of feeling a bit
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: out of control.
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  Speaker 3: Well, we have a family meeting every morning so that
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  Speaker 3: we can help set our intention for the day. We
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: check the kids, we find out what needs to be done,
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: so we've got all of those I guess logistics planned
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: out throughout the day.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, And we also spend time focused on a specific
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  Speaker 2: value or a specific teaching or principle that we want
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  Speaker 2: the children to have emphasized and to really encourage them
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  Speaker 2: to live good lives.
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  Speaker 3: And I think the other thing that's really important is
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  Speaker 3: we're really intentional about sitting down to have dinner together
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  Speaker 3: at the end of the day. So we start our
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: day together and we end our day together. As much
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: as it's possible. Now that we have teenage girls.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: Who have social lives, we try and plan a date
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: night each week. We lock in super Saturday so that
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: the kids know early in the week this Saturday morning
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: for the two hours this low cost or no cost
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: activity where we're together as a family.
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  Speaker 1: We've got that locked in.
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  Speaker 2: I go for a run with a couple of the
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: kids on a couple of the mornings each week. We
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: lock in our exercise. So we actually make sure that
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: we put these big rocks in so that the daddy
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: daughter to dates happen, or the quality time between you
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  Speaker 2: and I happen. That stuff has to happen and everything
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  Speaker 2: else fits in around that.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, one is learning to say no. And it's so
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  Speaker 3: funny because our tiny little toddler's known the word no.
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  Speaker 3: As we get older, we have a hard time saying no.
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  Speaker 3: So if we're looking to create margin our lives, we
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: need to kind of, I guess, go through those filters
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  Speaker 3: of what are our big rocks, what is our intention?
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  Speaker 3: What's the things that are most important for us as
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: a family to flourish and grow together and happiness that's
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: our whole plan, right, we want a happy family. We
• 12:30
  Speaker 3: need to learn to be able to recognize when something
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  Speaker 3: doesn't fit the mold and say no.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like you've actually constructed this podcast to teach
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: me a lesson. I mean, I'm just saying so the
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: best way for you to get me to say no
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: is to actually put something in my diary so that
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: I have to say no. And you could put in
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: family time from this time to that time on a Saturday,
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: and all of a sudden, we know we can't have
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: friends over because we've got something in the diary.
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: Well, in your defense, I love having friends over, but
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  Speaker 3: when we get to Saturday, I'm so tired.
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: I really like that though saying no means saying no
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  Speaker 2: to Netflix, or it means saying no to whatever it
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  Speaker 2: is that's not aligned with our priorities, not aligned with
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: our intention. Really really great tips and it came from you,
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: missus Happy Families.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: You're welcome.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: If you've enjoyed the podcast, we'd love it if you'd
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: leave a rating and review wherever you listen to your podcasts.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: We really appreciate the five star ratings and the reviews
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: that you sent through. They help other people to find
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: out about the podcast and make their family happier.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Justin Ruland is our producer.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: We appreciate him and the great work that he does
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: from Bridge Media are and making the podcast sound great.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: Our executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like more
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: information about making your family happier, you can get it
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: at happy families dot com dot au