Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 454. The Neuroscience around love & keeping the spark alive & more (Headnoise)

Transcript

454. The Neuroscience around love & keeping the spark alive & more (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:18
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:22
Speaker 1: So this is a head Noise episode and we are
0:27
Speaker 1: answering well when I say where, I am answering your questions.
0:30
Speaker 1: So this is going to be a voice male head
0:34
Speaker 1: Noise episode. As you guys know, there's like email version
0:38
Speaker 1: and then there's the fucking voice mail version. And I've
0:42
Speaker 1: had a massive influx of voicemail messages come through, which
0:47
Speaker 1: I love because I love to hear obviously your voices.
0:50
Speaker 1: It feels like we're having a conversation, but I also
0:52
Speaker 1: love to hear the accents from around the world because
0:54
Speaker 1: this is a global podcast and we just fucking love Yeah,
0:58
Speaker 1: I love just hearing everyone's voices from around the globe. Anyway,
1:02
Speaker 1: as per usual with a head Noise episode, I don't
1:05
Speaker 1: want to dive too much into life updates or anything
1:08
Speaker 1: like that. I kind of want to go straight into
1:09
Speaker 1: answering your questions. These are really, really, really good questions
1:13
Speaker 1: that have come through. I always say it, but there
1:15
Speaker 1: really are, and I feel like a bunch of these
1:18
Speaker 1: are pretty fucking relatable for a lot of people, or
1:21
Speaker 1: some of the questions really make you think. And I
1:24
Speaker 1: don't have like straight up answers for some of them,
1:27
Speaker 1: but I can give you how I would deal with
1:29
Speaker 1: this situation and how I perceive this situation. So I'm
1:32
Speaker 1: going to dive straight into the first question because this
1:34
Speaker 1: is one that I think is a universal kind of
1:36
Speaker 1: dilemma that a lot of people would struggle with. And
1:39
Speaker 1: it's titled locker room talk. So let's begin.
1:45
Speaker 2: Hi, Alexis I love your podcast. I wanted to get
1:50
Speaker 2: your opinion and thoughts on locker room talk. I found
1:55
Speaker 2: a few texts between my boyfriend and his friend calling
2:00
Speaker 2: another girl hot at the gym and just classic boy
2:06
Speaker 2: locker room talk. Is this something to break up over?
2:12
Speaker 2: I just want to get your overall thoughts on this
2:14
Speaker 2: because I don't think you have mentioned this in your podcast,
2:18
Speaker 2: and I know it can be a little bit of
2:21
Speaker 2: a double standard because us girls can also have these
2:24
Speaker 2: conversations between our girlfriends. Please let me know any advice
2:29
Speaker 2: or what your thoughts are. Maybe, thank you.
2:33
Speaker 1: Awesome question. I think it's very, very layered, and I
2:37
Speaker 1: think it's very specific on the relationship that you're in.
2:41
Speaker 1: So firstly, I agree, we've got to be very aware
2:44
Speaker 1: of the double standard that can occur because I don't
2:47
Speaker 1: think it's fair to think that because your partner is
2:51
Speaker 1: commenting on someone saying that she's hot, it means that
2:55
Speaker 1: it's something deeper than that, when you yourself might have
2:58
Speaker 1: no issue fawning over the barista at the cafe that
3:03
Speaker 1: you go to with your best friend and it's just
3:05
Speaker 1: completely platonic, do you know what I mean? Like, if
3:08
Speaker 1: I'm you know, somewhere with live and there's like an
3:11
Speaker 1: absolute dream boat, will be like, oh my god, stunning, stunning, stunning,
3:15
Speaker 1: Like oh you know, but it would like we would
3:19
Speaker 1: never think about it again and never go deep. It's
3:21
Speaker 1: just a genuine appreciation for a stunning person, and that
3:25
Speaker 1: would be it. And if I knew for a fact
3:28
Speaker 1: that my partner was doing the same thing with the
3:31
Speaker 1: same kind of intention behind it, it genuinely would not
3:34
Speaker 1: affect me whatsoever. So I think we need to look
3:36
Speaker 1: at the like a combination of behaviors around that what
3:41
Speaker 1: is your partner like in general? Because if you feel
3:44
Speaker 1: like your partner's the kind of person that's going to
3:46
Speaker 1: check people out in front of you, that's going to
3:50
Speaker 1: also act differently when you're not there, versus when you
3:53
Speaker 1: are there that acts like you don't exist when he's
3:57
Speaker 1: around your friends versus when he's with your friends. Then
3:59
Speaker 1: something like this on your phone, of course, it's going
4:01
Speaker 1: to make you feel really upset, and it's going to
4:02
Speaker 1: affect you because you're like, oh, this is just one
4:06
Speaker 1: more like it's adding another drop in the buck's adding
4:10
Speaker 1: like another you know, weight to this. It's kind of
4:14
Speaker 1: a culmination of many things. Right, However, if you were
4:17
Speaker 1: to come across that locker room talk and the conversation
4:21
Speaker 1: you saw was relatively innocent, and then on top of that,
4:23
Speaker 1: you have a partner that is extremely respectful, makes you
4:27
Speaker 1: feel adored, genuinely makes you feel like you're you know,
4:31
Speaker 1: you know, the only one they have eyes for, especially
4:34
Speaker 1: when you're around them. You know, when you go out,
4:36
Speaker 1: you never feel like, oh my god, I feel insecure
4:38
Speaker 1: because they're checking other people out, or I feel compared
4:40
Speaker 1: to other women or whatever. And it's just this one
4:43
Speaker 1: comment that they're making with their friend because they're like,
4:46
Speaker 1: oh yeah, like the receptionists of that place is fucking gorgeous,
4:50
Speaker 1: then you know what I mean, it weighs less. So
4:53
Speaker 1: I think you need to ask yourself is the reason
4:56
Speaker 1: this is affecting me? Because it's just one one more
5:01
Speaker 1: thing to add onto all the other things that make
5:03
Speaker 1: me feel really insecure in this relationship, or am I
5:06
Speaker 1: in a very secure relationship, And I'm just having a
5:10
Speaker 1: natural reaction like most people would have, even really secure
5:13
Speaker 1: people would have a little niggling like, oh, when they
5:17
Speaker 1: have their partner'd be like to someone else, oh, yes,
5:19
Speaker 1: it's really hot whatever, you know, Because for me, if
5:23
Speaker 1: it's just that, if I have all the security in
5:26
Speaker 1: the world and a really secure partner, great relationship, and
5:29
Speaker 1: it was just that thing, then I would just reason
5:33
Speaker 1: with myself and be like, you know what, I actually
5:36
Speaker 1: do this with my friends. It really is just like,
5:38
Speaker 1: I'm not creating a double standard here. If I'm willing
5:41
Speaker 1: to comment on hot men with my friends, then I
5:45
Speaker 1: need to be okay with it the other way around,
5:48
Speaker 1: you know, especially especially if my partner's demonstrating all these things. Now,
5:52
Speaker 1: if it is the first option where it's just like
5:55
Speaker 1: a million other things are making you not feel secure,
5:57
Speaker 1: and then on top of that, you see this, and
6:00
Speaker 1: I think you would need to raise it with him,
6:03
Speaker 1: not just not just that locker room talk, but everything
6:05
Speaker 1: in general. And I think it would be a conversation
6:08
Speaker 1: where you say, you know what, I think this is
6:10
Speaker 1: a fucking great relationship. I think there's all these things,
6:12
Speaker 1: but I feel like you don't make me feel one
6:15
Speaker 1: hundred percent secure, you know, as far as how you
6:20
Speaker 1: feel towards me and how attracted you are towards me
6:22
Speaker 1: when we're out in public. Like, it's not that you
6:24
Speaker 1: can't check people out. It's just normal to admire someone
6:27
Speaker 1: that you are personally attracted to. But there's a difference
6:30
Speaker 1: between doing it subtly and then doing it to make
6:33
Speaker 1: me feel insecure about myself. You know, there's all these
6:35
Speaker 1: conversations that you can have with your partner about that,
6:38
Speaker 1: and then sometimes your partner will be like, wow, fuck,
6:39
Speaker 1: I didn't even realize, because you could also say, you know,
6:42
Speaker 1: I'm not blind either. I can acknowledge a good looking person,
6:45
Speaker 1: but I do it in a way that would never
6:47
Speaker 1: make you feel uncomfortable. If I see a good looking person,
6:50
Speaker 1: I'm not gawking, I'm not acting inappropriately. I'm just quietly
6:55
Speaker 1: appreciating them. And you would never know the difference because
6:57
Speaker 1: I'm so subtle about it. So and we have the
7:00
Speaker 1: same thing, and we have that same level of respect.
7:02
Speaker 1: You know, like, I think it's important because I hate
7:04
Speaker 1: it when men are like, oh, we're visual creatures, well,
7:06
Speaker 1: and women don't have eyeballs, Fuck off, can't. We're all
7:08
Speaker 1: fucking visual creatures, thank you very much. Have you seen
7:10
Speaker 1: Carlos signs in Formula one? Thank you? We're all visual creatures.
7:16
Speaker 1: But I think it's it's important to know the difference
7:19
Speaker 1: between finding someone attractive and just being an absolute animal
7:22
Speaker 1: about it versus being classy about it and discreet. I
7:27
Speaker 1: think there's a difference. So yeah, I think it's layered.
7:30
Speaker 1: I genuinely. For example, if I saw that Tyrone had
7:33
Speaker 1: had that conversation and the way he spoke about the
7:38
Speaker 1: woman was in a respectful way, I wouldn't have a
7:41
Speaker 1: problem with it because I'd be like, yeah, fair enough,
7:44
Speaker 1: there's hot people out there, that's a given, and it's
7:47
Speaker 1: okay for him to comment respectfully towards that woman if
7:52
Speaker 1: she's a good looking you know what I mean, That
7:54
Speaker 1: to me isn't a problem. If I felt that he
7:57
Speaker 1: made me feel insecure in other areas of my life,
7:59
Speaker 1: then that would really raise the red flag. And I
8:01
Speaker 1: feel even more insecure seeing that. So do you know
8:03
Speaker 1: what I mean? I think it's really balanced out, like
8:05
Speaker 1: with a whole like portfolio of behavior that they display
8:11
Speaker 1: to you. Is it grounds for a breakup? If it
8:14
Speaker 1: was like I just said, and everything was fine except
8:17
Speaker 1: that one thing, absolutely not. I would not dune someone
8:19
Speaker 1: over that. However, it's the final straw, and you're like,
8:22
Speaker 1: I am made to feel like shit all the fucking time,
8:25
Speaker 1: and now you're going behind my back talking about how
8:27
Speaker 1: everyone's hot, but you never call me hot or you
8:29
Speaker 1: never Then maybe it's just a maybe it's just that
8:32
Speaker 1: final straw and that indicator, being like, this is a
8:34
Speaker 1: huge thing that needs to be addressed in this relationship,
8:36
Speaker 1: and I haven't really addressed it because I've not wanted
8:39
Speaker 1: to admit to myself that I'm not with a partner
8:42
Speaker 1: that adores me or that makes me feel adored at least. Okay,
8:45
Speaker 1: So hopefully that helped. Hopefully it was just a bit
8:47
Speaker 1: of food for thought, because I know I didn't give
8:48
Speaker 1: you an exact answer, but I wanted to cover all bases. Okay,
8:53
Speaker 1: next question.
8:57
Speaker 3: So I've been beating my boyfriend now for a year
9:00
Speaker 3: and a half. I'm thirty four, he's thirty five. We
9:05
Speaker 3: have a very healthy, loving relationship. It's the first relationship
9:09
Speaker 3: where we both equally feel appreciated. It's fun. We don't
9:14
Speaker 3: we're not toxic. It's like I've done toxic, he's done toxic.
9:18
Speaker 3: Like we just worked really well together, super compatible, and anyways,
9:23
Speaker 3: I've been very transparent about what I want in life
9:26
Speaker 3: since the beginning, which is definitely marriage.
9:30
Speaker 1: Kids.
9:30
Speaker 3: I don't know. I flip flop back and forth. I
9:32
Speaker 3: kind of just would only want kids if my person
9:35
Speaker 3: really wanted them. I could go either way at this age.
9:39
Speaker 1: But marriage for sure.
9:41
Speaker 3: My boyfriend grew up in a broken home and he
9:43
Speaker 3: caught his mom being unfaithful to his dad and ended
9:46
Speaker 3: up making his mom tell his dad, And anyways, his
9:49
Speaker 3: whole family's broken. So he has some deep rooted commitment
9:52
Speaker 3: phobias that he just kind of laid on me. He
9:55
Speaker 3: told me he doesn't see marriage anytime soon. And this
9:58
Speaker 3: all kind of came about after my brother wedding, and
10:01
Speaker 3: then our friends got engaged and it's been a lot
10:03
Speaker 3: of future talk. So I haven't put any pressure on them,
10:05
Speaker 3: but he's gotten in his head, he's withdrawn. I'm a
10:09
Speaker 3: raq I feel like I'm about to lose the best
10:11
Speaker 3: thing that ever happened to me and I'm terrified. But
10:16
Speaker 3: I told him, I'm like, let's just take things one
10:19
Speaker 3: day at a time, and he's like, marriage can be
10:21
Speaker 3: down the road, and maybe he's like, I just don't
10:23
Speaker 3: want any pressure, so I just need help with my thoughts.
10:27
Speaker 1: Okay, So great question, Thank you for sending that in.
10:31
Speaker 1: And I feel like there's a lot of people that
10:33
Speaker 1: are in that position where they really value the idea
10:36
Speaker 1: of marriage. It's just one step that they really see
10:38
Speaker 1: them taking in their life that they really want to
10:40
Speaker 1: it's important to them. And then they come across a
10:44
Speaker 1: partner who doesn't say I to eye, but everything else
10:47
Speaker 1: about the relationship is really good, And so you're kind
10:50
Speaker 1: of stuck in this thing of like do I do
10:52
Speaker 1: an ultimatum of marriage? Do I walk away? Do I
10:54
Speaker 1: wait forever? Like what you know? Like what is this
10:57
Speaker 1: going to now look like? Given that I think I
10:59
Speaker 1: found an almost perfect person, but they don't align with
11:02
Speaker 1: me on marriage. So I think the first before addressing
11:05
Speaker 1: the commitment issues, because that's a whole another journey to
11:09
Speaker 1: go down with him. But when we talk about marriage,
11:13
Speaker 1: I think it's really important to ask yourself, what is
11:19
Speaker 1: it about marriage. That to me makes it so important. Now,
11:24
Speaker 1: I'm like, every country is different when it comes to
11:26
Speaker 1: laws of marriage, but in Australia, at least, de facto
11:29
Speaker 1: status is very much aligned with marriage status as far
11:33
Speaker 1: as like division of assets and things like that, So
11:35
Speaker 1: you know, you don't really need to be married in
11:38
Speaker 1: Australia to an extent. I'm sure there's gonna be some
11:41
Speaker 1: marriage divorce lawyers who come and be like, you're wrong,
11:44
Speaker 1: But like for a lot of things, I feel like
11:46
Speaker 1: marriage isn't like doesn't now anymore have to be the
11:49
Speaker 1: be all end all. What I'm trying to say is
11:52
Speaker 1: if I personally, for me, I like the idea of
11:56
Speaker 1: marriage if the stars align right, but I don't see
12:00
Speaker 1: marriage as the bill and all. And I've always seen
12:02
Speaker 1: myself getting married, and I like the idea of marriage.
12:04
Speaker 1: And when I go to weddings it makes me really
12:06
Speaker 1: want to get married because I'm like, oh my God,
12:08
Speaker 1: bringing everyone together. It's so I fucking love a wedding,
12:11
Speaker 1: love everything about it for the most part. But if Tyrone,
12:16
Speaker 1: the love of my life, love him so much, said
12:18
Speaker 1: you know what, I just don't want to get married,
12:21
Speaker 1: I would stay with him for the rest of my life.
12:22
Speaker 1: I still would stay with him. It would not be
12:24
Speaker 1: a deal breaker for me because as much as I
12:27
Speaker 1: would want a marriage, it's not something that's so important
12:30
Speaker 1: to me personally, more so than my relationship with him.
12:35
Speaker 1: If he was just like, I just don't value the
12:37
Speaker 1: concept of marriage. You see people getting married, and I
12:39
Speaker 1: just don't understand the need. I don't get the why.
12:41
Speaker 1: To me, I don't value it. I just don't want
12:44
Speaker 1: to do it. I wouldn't look at that as a
12:46
Speaker 1: personal stab at me personally. I'm talking about me. I'm
12:49
Speaker 1: just giving you like how I would approach it, and
12:50
Speaker 1: then I'll talk about different ways you can approach it.
12:53
Speaker 1: So I guess you've got to ask yourself, is it
12:56
Speaker 1: being with him that means the most? Or is it
12:58
Speaker 1: being married that means the most? So you could ask yourself.
13:02
Speaker 1: You know, I could have the man of my dreams
13:05
Speaker 1: and just not be married, but really being a secure,
13:08
Speaker 1: comfortable relationship where we work through his problems, where we
13:11
Speaker 1: work through everything and we really love each other. But
13:13
Speaker 1: that might not be enough for you. And there's nothing
13:15
Speaker 1: wrong with that. Mind you, I'm not judging you by
13:17
Speaker 1: saying this. I'm just saying that's a possibility. But then
13:20
Speaker 1: you could think no, no, no, no, no, fuck that,
13:21
Speaker 1: fuck that. This is one thing I'm not gonna compromise on.
13:24
Speaker 1: I always wanted marriage. To me, it was important I
13:26
Speaker 1: have to have it. And if I'm not gonna get married,
13:27
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna have him. I don't give a fuck. Like,
13:29
Speaker 1: if he's not gonna give me marriage, it's done. I
13:31
Speaker 1: move on. But what you're not gonna do is do
13:35
Speaker 1: everything in your power to twist his arm to make
13:37
Speaker 1: him feel like he has to marry you. There is
13:39
Speaker 1: nothing worse then twisting someone into a position so you
13:43
Speaker 1: get what you want, but they're doing something they don't want,
13:45
Speaker 1: because there's nothing worse than having your partner ultimately resent
13:49
Speaker 1: you and resent the relationship because you were so tunnel
13:54
Speaker 1: visioned on getting what you wanted that you didn't realize,
13:57
Speaker 1: wait a minute, this is so far from what this
14:00
Speaker 1: person wants. But they feel stuck. They don't really know
14:03
Speaker 1: a different alternative of where they want to go in
14:05
Speaker 1: their life, so they end up folding and bending and
14:08
Speaker 1: giving me what I want, and I've just ignored the
14:11
Speaker 1: fact that they've just done something that goes against what
14:13
Speaker 1: they ultimately wanted, and they felt trapped, They felt stuck,
14:16
Speaker 1: They felt that they weren't heard, they felt that they
14:17
Speaker 1: won't listened to. They just entered this marriage when they
14:20
Speaker 1: didn't really value the idea of marriage because if their
14:22
Speaker 1: upbringing and now they feel resentful. Okay, So I think
14:27
Speaker 1: that your options are really work it out, be with
14:31
Speaker 1: him and possibly not get married, but have this epic relationship.
14:35
Speaker 1: If you know, if it works out as an epic relationship,
14:37
Speaker 1: leave him and get married to somebody else who could
14:41
Speaker 1: be as good, better, worse. We don't know. That's the unknown.
14:44
Speaker 1: But what I don't recommend you do is you know,
14:47
Speaker 1: keep like doing like keep pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing this
14:50
Speaker 1: person for marriage. I think the thing that you need
14:53
Speaker 1: to speak to him, there's two things you need to
14:55
Speaker 1: talk about with him. Ask him, are you willing to
14:59
Speaker 1: work through these these commitment issues that have arisen based
15:02
Speaker 1: on your upbringing, because I think it's really important that
15:04
Speaker 1: you do so, because I think it's not something you
15:08
Speaker 1: can brush under the rug. I think it's something that
15:10
Speaker 1: was like deeply rooted into you growing up, and it's
15:14
Speaker 1: something that's really important to kind of pull apart and
15:17
Speaker 1: work out because when he's gone to these weddings and
15:20
Speaker 1: it's made him pull back even more, it's probably just
15:23
Speaker 1: been a reminder of the relationship issues that he saw
15:27
Speaker 1: growing up with his parents, and it's made him feel
15:29
Speaker 1: really kind of off it. He's been like, no, not
15:32
Speaker 1: like that. You know, these people saying that they love
15:33
Speaker 1: each other and they're getting married, But look at what
15:35
Speaker 1: I was exposed to, look at what I had to
15:37
Speaker 1: go through, and it was a really difficult time for
15:38
Speaker 1: him and for a lot of people, especially men, mind you,
15:43
Speaker 1: because men are less likely to really talk and talk
15:45
Speaker 1: and talk and talk through their feelings. And I say
15:48
Speaker 1: that less and less now because I feel like men
15:49
Speaker 1: are getting better at that, but on average, especially in
15:52
Speaker 1: comparison to women, they don't talk as much about their
15:55
Speaker 1: feelings and their emotional experiences. So when normally when something
16:01
Speaker 1: emotional happens, especially to a male when they're young, it
16:05
Speaker 1: doesn't affect them no way near as much as decades
16:09
Speaker 1: down the line, ten twenty years down the line, and
16:12
Speaker 1: then something will happen like all their friends getting married
16:15
Speaker 1: or reaching like a crucial moment in their relationship when
16:18
Speaker 1: they think, fuck is this the ball end? Or do
16:20
Speaker 1: we get married or do we not, and then all
16:22
Speaker 1: the trauma comes back tenfold, right, and it's just like,
16:25
Speaker 1: oh my god, how come I was fine for the
16:26
Speaker 1: last fifteen to twenty years and now it's coming back.
16:28
Speaker 1: So it feels like it's like, why is this even
16:31
Speaker 1: happening now? But that is extremely common, extremely common for
16:35
Speaker 1: all kinds of things, for you know, you know, for
16:37
Speaker 1: issues within the family, for neglect, abuse, like all sorts
16:41
Speaker 1: of things, you know, and it comes back ten twenty
16:45
Speaker 1: years later, okay, when they're an adult. So I think
16:47
Speaker 1: that this might be what's happening with him, and it's
16:50
Speaker 1: now highlighting all the shit and he's trying to process
16:52
Speaker 1: it and probably struggling to process it. So I would
16:55
Speaker 1: first address, is this something you're willing to work through.
16:57
Speaker 1: I'll fucking do it with you, our work with I'll
17:00
Speaker 1: be the support you need. Number One. So hopefully the
17:03
Speaker 1: answer is yes, because then it's someone that he can
17:05
Speaker 1: talk to, really flesh it out, and really get some
17:08
Speaker 1: closure with how he processes that. That's number one. Number two.
17:12
Speaker 1: While you're doing that, just say to him, I'm going
17:15
Speaker 1: to put a pause on this whole marriage and wedding
17:18
Speaker 1: thing because my priority is going to be both of
17:21
Speaker 1: us being really happy and comfortable. I don't want you
17:23
Speaker 1: trying to work through this emotional thing while I'm putting
17:26
Speaker 1: the pressure of marriage. Okay, if he were to turn
17:29
Speaker 1: around and say I don't want to speak to anyone,
17:30
Speaker 1: I don't want to work through anything. I'm good, I'm fine,
17:33
Speaker 1: I'm fine. But he's got a massive commitment issue and
17:36
Speaker 1: I refuse to get married, then you know what you're
17:38
Speaker 1: working with. Now the cards are on the table, and
17:41
Speaker 1: it's now to you to make that decision. Am I
17:42
Speaker 1: okay with this or not? I can't answer that for
17:44
Speaker 1: you. You have to answer that for you, and I would
17:46
Speaker 1: imagine that you would not be okay with that, and
17:48
Speaker 1: then you've got your answer. But if you've got someone
17:51
Speaker 1: that's saying, you know what, I'm so glad you said
17:52
Speaker 1: that I really need to work through this shit. It's
17:54
Speaker 1: cock blocking me. I feel like I can't fully open
17:57
Speaker 1: up in this relationship. I feel you'd be like, now
18:00
Speaker 1: we've got a starting point. Now we can do something
18:02
Speaker 1: about it. Because if you saw his total commitment to you,
18:06
Speaker 1: to himself, to starting to feel better, to like building
18:09
Speaker 1: the best life for you, but marriage just wasn't on
18:12
Speaker 1: the cards for a while, maybe you'd be okay with that,
18:14
Speaker 1: Maybe you would be fine with that. So I think
18:17
Speaker 1: you need to look at the bigger picture of everything.
18:19
Speaker 1: It's not just about I need someone to marry me,
18:22
Speaker 1: because honestly, some of the worst relationships I know are
18:25
Speaker 1: married relationships. A wedding means fuck all unless both people
18:29
Speaker 1: on the same page. Anyway, Like, how many people do
18:31
Speaker 1: you know that are married that You're like, fuck that? Marriage,
18:35
Speaker 1: Like fuck that for me, not a fucking chance. And
18:39
Speaker 1: then you see some of the best couples that have
18:42
Speaker 1: been together for years and they just never end up
18:44
Speaker 1: getting married. But the mutual respect, the adoration, they keep,
18:47
Speaker 1: the sparker life for decades, and you're like, well, much
18:50
Speaker 1: rather that if I could have that, But it meant
18:52
Speaker 1: I wasn't getting married versus marriage with some flop. I
18:55
Speaker 1: know what I'm choosing. So I think it's really important
18:58
Speaker 1: to be like, how badly do I want marriage? Or
19:00
Speaker 1: is the reason I want marriage? Because I feel this
19:04
Speaker 1: disconnect and I'm desperate to have him commit wholeheartedly to me,
19:09
Speaker 1: and marriage to me would mean that he's finally committing.
19:12
Speaker 1: What if he showed your commitment in other ways, in
19:15
Speaker 1: how he adores you and how he treats you, and
19:17
Speaker 1: how he's willing to do the work on himself and
19:18
Speaker 1: open up. Would that be enough for you? Would it?
19:21
Speaker 1: Only you can answer that question? Okay, but thank you,
19:24
Speaker 1: awesome question. Sense Let us love your podcast.
19:34
Speaker 4: I just had a quick question about the neuroscience around
19:39
Speaker 4: love and people that have been in a relationship for
19:43
Speaker 4: a really long time, and what is like the neuroscience
19:48
Speaker 4: behind keeping the spark alive or if someone's lost the
19:51
Speaker 4: kind of love, can they bring it back? Like what
19:54
Speaker 4: goes on in the brain when that happens, Because it
19:58
Speaker 4: makes me wonder when people to like separate after such
20:01
Speaker 4: a long time together, and you know what is there
20:05
Speaker 4: a way of stopping that separation and how how can
20:09
Speaker 4: people stay together for a long time? Because I feel
20:13
Speaker 4: like so many people these days just end up separating
20:16
Speaker 4: and just love to know what things you can do
20:20
Speaker 4: to ensure that you can stay with your partner for
20:24
Speaker 4: the long term.
20:25
Speaker 1: Do you know what this question when when I listened
20:27
Speaker 1: to this one before, I've started recording this and it's
20:30
Speaker 1: actually made me start planning an entire episode on ways
20:34
Speaker 1: to keep the spark alive, But I did want to
20:36
Speaker 1: still address this question because it's such a fucking good
20:40
Speaker 1: question and anyway, let's just get straight into it. So,
20:45
Speaker 1: can you bring the spark back? Yes? Can you reignite
20:48
Speaker 1: falling in love with your part after thinking that all
20:50
Speaker 1: is lost? Yes you can. Can you maintain passion within
20:55
Speaker 1: your relationship even after the honeymoon period has died off
20:58
Speaker 1: and the excitement of like, you know, like I'm not
21:01
Speaker 1: that excited to see you're like, oh my god, I
21:03
Speaker 1: got to say, you know, because we've lived together for
21:04
Speaker 1: the last ten twenty years. Can you keep that alive? Yes,
21:08
Speaker 1: you can. There are ways that you can do it,
21:10
Speaker 1: and there's there's many different like pillars of how you
21:14
Speaker 1: can do that. So one of the things that I
21:17
Speaker 1: think is extremely important, and this is I've spoken about
21:20
Speaker 1: this before on the podcast, and it's called Bids for Connection.
21:24
Speaker 1: It's like the Gotman Institute. Look up if you're interested
21:27
Speaker 1: in doing further research, just google Bids for Connection Gotman Institute.
21:31
Speaker 1: This is just one of the things and it was
21:32
Speaker 1: the biggest predictor for if a couple was going to
21:35
Speaker 1: stay together or get divorced after like a six or
21:37
Speaker 1: seven year period. But basically what they found was couples
21:41
Speaker 1: that play that kind of tennis match with interactions stay
21:47
Speaker 1: together longer. So, for example, if your partner just makes
21:50
Speaker 1: a fleeting comment about something like oh my god, it's
21:54
Speaker 1: pouring and you just stay on your phone and ignore
21:57
Speaker 1: them or you don't whatever versus like, then that's a
22:01
Speaker 1: predictive for actually separating because it's like, oh, I'm so
22:04
Speaker 1: used to them. Oh they just made it pass in common.
22:06
Speaker 1: Oh I don't have to respond to every single thing
22:07
Speaker 1: they say, oh whatever, But those little things they start
22:10
Speaker 1: feeling disconnected, disconnected, disconnected. Right, But if you were to
22:13
Speaker 1: be like, yeah, it's pouring and did you hear last
22:15
Speaker 1: night that thunderstorm? It bid for connection. They've connected. Sometimes
22:20
Speaker 1: a partner will say them as random shit, because they're
22:22
Speaker 1: just have it. It's just a bid for connection that
22:25
Speaker 1: they want. Okay, it's not that they give a fuck
22:27
Speaker 1: that it's pouring. It's not that they care really that
22:29
Speaker 1: there's three birds on the balcony. They're just trying to
22:32
Speaker 1: connect with you, right, And then if you accept that
22:35
Speaker 1: bid and then bounce it back, they feel heard, they
22:38
Speaker 1: feel listened to, they feel comforted, even if they're doing
22:41
Speaker 1: it subconsciously and they don't realize and they feel loved.
22:43
Speaker 1: We do it all the time without realizing. We will
22:45
Speaker 1: do bids for connection with our partners without even realizing
22:47
Speaker 1: that we were doing a bid for connection. So that's
22:50
Speaker 1: number one. Pay attention to that, and also bring this
22:53
Speaker 1: up with your partner as well, just say, like, you know,
22:56
Speaker 1: let's both try and be better at this. You know,
22:58
Speaker 1: I notice that I do it, You do it. But
22:59
Speaker 1: sometime we'll make a statement, but because it was important,
23:02
Speaker 1: we're like huh, and we're just on our phone instead
23:04
Speaker 1: of putting our phone down to be like yes, and
23:06
Speaker 1: you know, engage. That's one. Another one is how much
23:11
Speaker 1: are you really focusing on nurturing each other's independence within
23:17
Speaker 1: the relationship? Okay, because one thing that happens is that
23:22
Speaker 1: you start to get blended, Your lives get blended. And
23:26
Speaker 1: it's not to say that, oh you're codependent, not necessarily
23:29
Speaker 1: about being codependent, but where everything kind of merges into
23:32
Speaker 1: one and then you feel like you know everything about
23:34
Speaker 1: your partner and there's nothing really exciting to share anymore.
23:36
Speaker 1: So then you're just going through the Monday and I
23:38
Speaker 1: already know everything about you. We don't need to discuss this,
23:40
Speaker 1: we don't need, So then there's less new things to share,
23:42
Speaker 1: there's less new personal adventures that you're going through. So
23:45
Speaker 1: you kind of feel that your life is a bit
23:48
Speaker 1: like have every day is the same, and then you
23:50
Speaker 1: look at your relationship as the cause of that thing
23:52
Speaker 1: being every day is the same. So I've lost the
23:54
Speaker 1: spark for my genuine personal life excitement and I've also
23:59
Speaker 1: lost it with in the relationship. So ask yourself, what
24:01
Speaker 1: am I doing regularly to encourage my partner's growth as
24:06
Speaker 1: an independent individual? And vice versa, Like, what is it
24:11
Speaker 1: that I could do to say to my partner, you
24:13
Speaker 1: know what when we got together, you used to love
24:15
Speaker 1: like playing basketball, or you used to love whatever. I
24:18
Speaker 1: think you know, would you want to do something like
24:20
Speaker 1: that again? Would you want? And see what they say?
24:22
Speaker 1: And then of course it goes the other way around,
24:25
Speaker 1: like I missed that I used to do this thing
24:27
Speaker 1: for myself alone and it was a really good thing
24:29
Speaker 1: for my personal growth. Whatever, and have each other encourage
24:33
Speaker 1: that in the other person. Okay, I think it's independent.
24:37
Speaker 1: Maintaining your autonomy and your independence within a relationship keeps
24:42
Speaker 1: the relationship fun and exciting because you can push each other,
24:46
Speaker 1: you can help each other grow without being in each
24:48
Speaker 1: other's pockets. It's like I'm encouraging you to do this
24:51
Speaker 1: for you, but I am not involved in every single
24:54
Speaker 1: aspect of your life. You have this sense of independence
24:57
Speaker 1: even within the relationship, so you haven't lost who you are.
25:00
Speaker 1: So therefore, the relationship represents kind of like a sounding board,
25:05
Speaker 1: a safe space, a place of romance and love. But
25:08
Speaker 1: it's not my ball all end, or where I can't
25:11
Speaker 1: just branch up and do something on my own. So
25:13
Speaker 1: that represents like a really like a really positive thing
25:16
Speaker 1: in your relationship. All right, one more question for today's episode.
25:22
Speaker 1: This is about hyper independence.
25:26
Speaker 5: Hi Alexis. I hope you are well. I'm sending love
25:28
Speaker 5: all the way from South Africa. Firstly, I want to
25:31
Speaker 5: thank you for your podcast. Like everyone says, it has
25:34
Speaker 5: absolutely changed my life. My question is about hyper independence.
25:40
Speaker 5: In my previous relationship, my ex accused me of being
25:43
Speaker 5: hyper independent. I personally think that he wanted someone who
25:47
Speaker 5: would be codependent with him, and I believe in a
25:51
Speaker 5: person being an individual within a relationship. I do understand, though,
25:57
Speaker 5: that there are moments that I struggle to ask for help,
26:01
Speaker 5: but at the same time, I don't think a hyperindependent
26:04
Speaker 5: person would be staying at home because that's a form
26:06
Speaker 5: of asking for help. So I just wanted to find
26:08
Speaker 5: out if it's a thing, if hyper independence is something
26:11
Speaker 5: that actually exists, and if it does exist, how do
26:14
Speaker 5: you know if you are hyper independent? And then how
26:17
Speaker 5: do you overcome hyper independence? I would really appreciate any
26:21
Speaker 5: feedback that you have.
26:23
Speaker 1: Epic, epic question. I have a whole episode. I'll link
26:28
Speaker 1: it in the show notes, but I actually have a
26:29
Speaker 1: whole episode of hyperindependence. But I am going to address
26:32
Speaker 1: this question because it's spot on and I was like
26:36
Speaker 1: you at one point as well. So hyperindependence is actually
26:40
Speaker 1: a response. You can call it a trauma response. It
26:43
Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily have to be that you went through trauma,
26:45
Speaker 1: but it is a response to a condition that you
26:49
Speaker 1: were under at some point in your life, whether that
26:51
Speaker 1: was your upbringing or very common, whether you were in
26:55
Speaker 1: a manipulative, toxic, or abusive relationship. Okay, so, for example,
27:01
Speaker 1: if you were in a relationship where everything that your
27:05
Speaker 1: partner did for you was thrown in your face and
27:07
Speaker 1: you were made like it was tip for tat and
27:09
Speaker 1: you were made to feel like you owed them all
27:12
Speaker 1: the time, and they would do things for you only
27:14
Speaker 1: so you would then owe them. Then when you get
27:17
Speaker 1: out of that relationship, you think, I never want to
27:20
Speaker 1: need anyone ever again. That was my that was my problem.
27:23
Speaker 1: I got out of a very unhealthy relationship, and then
27:26
Speaker 1: I thought, I never want to be in a position
27:28
Speaker 1: where someone can hold something over my head, never again.
27:31
Speaker 1: That's fucked.
27:32
Speaker 3: Like.
27:32
Speaker 1: I hated the idea that someone's like, well, I did
27:34
Speaker 1: this for you, what are you doing for me? And
27:36
Speaker 1: I felt like I couldn't repay them because I wasn't
27:38
Speaker 1: as financially well off as them, or I didn't have,
27:40
Speaker 1: you know that, the means or the resources to be
27:42
Speaker 1: able to pay them off. So I always felt in debt,
27:44
Speaker 1: and I hated the feeling of being in debt. The
27:47
Speaker 1: same for like parents. If your parents were never there
27:50
Speaker 1: for you, and they were never able to emotionally be
27:53
Speaker 1: there for you or whatever, you know, just just where
27:56
Speaker 1: you felt supported, you thought it fucking me against the
27:59
Speaker 1: world now, And if I don't do it for myself,
28:01
Speaker 1: no one can do it. And if I lean on someone,
28:04
Speaker 1: they're going to fucking let me down. Because my parents
28:05
Speaker 1: always let me down, and I always, always lest down
28:08
Speaker 1: and the only one who can't let me down is me.
28:10
Speaker 1: That leads to hyper independence. So it's not healthy. It's
28:14
Speaker 1: actually like I'm going to call it a trauma response,
28:16
Speaker 1: but it's not necessarily always to trauma, but it can
28:19
Speaker 1: be okay, So it is a defense mechanism. Hyper independence
28:23
Speaker 1: is a defense mechanism. Independence is healthy. The difference between
28:28
Speaker 1: independence and hyper independence is that with hyperindependence, you are,
28:33
Speaker 1: whether you realize it or not, you're telling yourself, I
28:35
Speaker 1: can't rely on anyone. I can only rely on myself
28:38
Speaker 1: because people are gonna let me down. The world is
28:40
Speaker 1: going to let me down. The people in general, and
28:42
Speaker 1: the world in general is unreliable. I can't rely so
28:46
Speaker 1: then you start thinking it. Then kind of it's this
28:49
Speaker 1: feed forward loop of having a negative experience with interactions,
28:53
Speaker 1: especially with people that you love and that you're close with. Okay,
28:56
Speaker 1: independence is I can do things for myself. I can
29:00
Speaker 1: rely on myself, but I also am able to trust.
29:03
Speaker 1: I'm also able to put trust in other people and
29:06
Speaker 1: to build relationships, and most importantly, to allow myself to
29:09
Speaker 1: get vulnerable. Someone who is hyper independent won't allow themselves
29:13
Speaker 1: to get vulnerable because vulnerability to them feels like a weakness.
29:17
Speaker 1: A healthy independent person looks at vulnerability as a strength
29:20
Speaker 1: because they look at connection and relationships as strengthening their
29:24
Speaker 1: sense of self. Okay, hyperindependent not so much so. An
29:29
Speaker 1: independent person also says to themselves, I could be let down.
29:34
Speaker 1: It's possible. But if I am let down, I can
29:38
Speaker 1: build myself back up again. I will be okay, I
29:40
Speaker 1: will have my back, I can rebuild right. An independent
29:45
Speaker 1: person understands the importance of allowing someone in to support them,
29:50
Speaker 1: to help them, to do things for them, because that
29:54
Speaker 1: increases intimacy in a relationship. I remember when I first
29:58
Speaker 1: started dating Tyrone, I was very hyperindependent. I had that
30:01
Speaker 1: response from my toxic relationship. And then I was single
30:04
Speaker 1: for three years after that, and I was like, it's
30:06
Speaker 1: all on me. It's me or nothing, it's all. And
30:09
Speaker 1: then I wouldn't even let him carry like my groceries,
30:11
Speaker 1: and he's like, let me, let me do just something
30:15
Speaker 1: for you, Like he was literally like he had to.
30:18
Speaker 1: He had to voice it, like you have to let me,
30:20
Speaker 1: like just just let me carry that for you, Like
30:21
Speaker 1: you don't have to do it all on your own,
30:23
Speaker 1: you don't have to. And then I had this moment
30:25
Speaker 1: of like, Wow, I'm actually at a point where I
30:28
Speaker 1: could be pushing someone away purely because I'm not checking
30:32
Speaker 1: in with myself and asking why am I behaving this way?
30:34
Speaker 1: What am I trying to protect? What am I trying
30:37
Speaker 1: to protect? So I think the first thing, firstly, listen
30:40
Speaker 1: to my entire episode on it. I think they'll be insightful.
30:42
Speaker 1: But I think you also want to ask yourself exactly that,
30:44
Speaker 1: like what am I trying to protect? Because I'm aiming
30:47
Speaker 1: to be independent, but I don't need to be hyper independent,
30:51
Speaker 1: because true independence is allowing vulnerability into my life. Because
30:55
Speaker 1: when I can be vulnerable, then I can have the
30:58
Speaker 1: richness of good relationships. I can't have that richness and
31:03
Speaker 1: depth in a relationship if I don't allow myself to
31:06
Speaker 1: be vulnerable. And one of the best ways of connecting
31:08
Speaker 1: with people is to allow them to do things for us,
31:12
Speaker 1: allow them to feel useful in our lives. That's how
31:16
Speaker 1: you can really build connection, To feel useful in someone
31:19
Speaker 1: else's life and to give that gift to your partner,
31:22
Speaker 1: so then they feel this like there's this mutual validation
31:26
Speaker 1: of you know you're valuable to me, I need you
31:29
Speaker 1: in my life. I want you in my life, and
31:31
Speaker 1: I you know, I don't want to lose you. That
31:34
Speaker 1: kind of thing, and that comes with vulnerability. If you're like, oh,
31:37
Speaker 1: I could take you or leave you, it's much of
31:39
Speaker 1: a muchness, you know, I whatever, No matter how independent
31:42
Speaker 1: you are, you never want to feel that way about
31:44
Speaker 1: any relationship. You always want to have like that, that
31:46
Speaker 1: healthy intimacy. So I think, like, can you work through it? Absolutely?
31:50
Speaker 1: And one of the first ways of working through it
31:51
Speaker 1: is just that acknowledgment. But then you've also got to
31:54
Speaker 1: always check in with yourself saying what is the threat
31:57
Speaker 1: to me if I didn't let this person do this thing?
32:00
Speaker 1: Because you can stay I agree with you one hundred percent.
32:03
Speaker 1: Maintain your independence in a relationship is very healthy and
32:06
Speaker 1: actually crucial for our mental health. We need that autonomy.
32:10
Speaker 1: Codependence is very unhealthy. So yes, stay independent, but you
32:15
Speaker 1: don't need to be hyper independent. So ask yourself every
32:17
Speaker 1: time you notice yourself pulled back or you don't let
32:19
Speaker 1: them do something for you. It's almost like a training course.
32:22
Speaker 1: You got to say, Okay, what little thing am I
32:24
Speaker 1: gonna let this person do for me? Where I'm not
32:27
Speaker 1: gonna need to feel like I have to repay them
32:29
Speaker 1: straight away. Is it that I'm gonna let them carry
32:32
Speaker 1: something for me? Is it that I'm gonna let them
32:35
Speaker 1: cook me a meal and I just am I just
32:37
Speaker 1: repay them with gratitude? Is it like? What can What
32:41
Speaker 1: if I actually ask them to do something for me
32:44
Speaker 1: that's huge for someone who's hyper independent. What if I say,
32:47
Speaker 1: do you mind dropping me off? Because I feel like
32:49
Speaker 1: it's going to start raining and you know, can you
32:52
Speaker 1: just drop me off and it's just like five minutes
32:53
Speaker 1: up the road, that's a great starting point. Or do
32:56
Speaker 1: you mind helping me build this bed that I bought
32:59
Speaker 1: and I just can't do it on my own? Or
33:01
Speaker 1: I feel like it's going to take so much longer
33:02
Speaker 1: if I do it on my own. Little things like that,
33:04
Speaker 1: where you start inviting them in asking them for help,
33:07
Speaker 1: They're going to feel needed, They're going to feel valuable
33:09
Speaker 1: in your life, They're going to feel really good, and
33:10
Speaker 1: then you're going to start to feel connected. Does it
33:13
Speaker 1: take away from who you are as an individual? No,
33:15
Speaker 1: it doesn't, because you know, as a true independent if
33:18
Speaker 1: shit hit the fan, I would survive. I could pick
33:21
Speaker 1: myself back up and I didn't lose myself by asking
33:24
Speaker 1: for these favors in these people. Hopefully that helps. But
33:29
Speaker 1: check out the episode it's about hyperindependence. Just go into
33:32
Speaker 1: my podcast on Spotify, Apple and then in the search
33:35
Speaker 1: but I just write hyperindependence and the episode will come up.
33:37
Speaker 1: But I will try and remember to link it in
33:39
Speaker 1: the show notes of this episode as well. Cool. That
33:43
Speaker 1: is all for today. Thank you so much for tuning
33:46
Speaker 1: in and listening to everyone's head most questions. Thank you
33:50
Speaker 1: for sending in your questions. If you do have any
33:52
Speaker 1: questions that you want to send in in a voice note,
33:54
Speaker 1: just go to www dot dyfmpod dot com and there's
33:57
Speaker 1: a link in the menu where you can send in
33:59
Speaker 1: your messages or if you would rather type it out
34:02
Speaker 1: an email, just go info at dyfmpod dot com to
34:06
Speaker 1: send your questions through. So love my global beans, love
34:09
Speaker 1: my domestic beans. That is all for today. As always,
34:12
Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain.
34:14
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
34:17
Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't care