Latest / Unbox Yourself: Coming Out Later in Life with Samantha Fox® / Your Same-Sex Attraction Isn't a Symptom to Fix
Transcript
- Samantha Fox: Thank you for spending this time with me on Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave a review. It helps more folks find these conversations. If you're ready to unbox from something that's keeping you stuck, I would love to support you. You can find the application to the show at unboxyoursexuality.com. Let's stay connected. Find me on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at lesbiancuriositycoach. From day one, we are told who we should be, how to live, and what's acceptable. Before we even have a chance to discover ourselves, our society has already drawn those lines for us. But what happens when those lines are keeping us from knowing and embracing who we truly are? Welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox, a podcast about unpacking and unlearning everything that's kept you from living as your true self. Through honest conversations about your internal emotional landscape, Hello, and welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. Today I want to talk to you about idea of into an awareness of your attraction. And as you're into awareness, you're starting to wonder why happening? And when I why is this what I mean ⁓ is Give me a follow and join the conversation. Remember, we only have this one time through. Why not unbox yourself and let your true self shine in all its beautiful glory? sexuality, coming out later in life, relationships, and the journey to self-acceptance, we break free from the boxes we never chose. What of my life is problem that is creating these feelings of same-sex attraction that I'm having? So I'm going give you an example. I've heard from women who have said things ⁓ such as I've ⁓ in hetero monogamous for a couple of decades. ⁓ And I'm feeling extremely bored in that relationship. And I'm wondering if because I'm feeling so bored, that I'm starting to have same-sex attraction. Right. So there's a problem that is creating your same-sex attraction. one might be I have no sexual interest. In my male partner anymore. And maybe because I have no interest in him is causing ⁓ to have same-sex attraction. Another that I hear quite frequently is as enter into their later 40s and 50s and start going through perimenopause and menopause they have a little bit more of like, I don't care that much anymore about what everybody thinks about me. And so, is it because I'm going through these hormonal that I am starting to have same-sex attraction? So at the of the day, ⁓ what it sounds like you a problem in your life and As a result of this problem, are having same-sex attraction. You are now attracted to women. You are starting to have these feelings. And know, sort of a symptom of another problem you're having. So I just want say Many therapists, you go and sit in their office and begin to share something very such as your same sex attraction awakening a they will also ⁓ take perspective. And it sound I'm starting to realize that I have same-sex attraction or I'm starting to realize I'm really attracted to a colleague or a friend And response they give you is not, okay, let's lean some curiosity, like share more about that. Like tell me what you're feeling and let's look into it. That's not what they come up with. What they come up with What's happening in your marriage? you feeling sexually Are you feeling desire? Are you having low desire? ⁓ Are having desire discrepancy? ⁓ Are feeling attraction? you feeling attracted? Are you feeling attractive? how do we you to feel more attractive? Are you emotionally safe in your heterosexual relationship? Are you doing couples therapy? maybe you need to start doing couples therapy and work on some of these issues that are keeping the two of you from being able to be connected so that you can start to be more sexual. Because if you fix that problem, then the symptom of your same-sex attraction might go away. If you had ⁓ another and you were married to a man, you would wonder ⁓ if the you were having attraction to that other man was because there was a problem somewhere else. Right? We are human, we have feelings attraction to people we don't know. Famous people, know, we feel attraction in a lot of different places and for a lot of different reasons, but it's not a problem. But somehow your same sex attraction is being by you or by your as problematic. It is a symptom of some other problem that is happening in your life. So if this is you, if this resonates, and if you are sitting with these feelings and really struggling with them and really trying to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it, so you don't have to have these feelings anymore, I want to tell you that you are struggling with queer phobic conditioning, which is a part inside of you that is basically Gaslighting you something real and true that you are feeling, and it is not allowing you to read as just that. is a true feeling you are having. You are not making up a feeling of attraction or desire to a gender. That is real. And It also might be very scary for ⁓ reasons. ⁓ that you've been partnered for a long time. You have a family, you have kids, maybe you're dependent on your partner. Feeling same-sex attraction feels very threatening in that situation. So it would be a lot easier to figure out what's the problem so I don't have to feel these feelings anymore. And This isn't a problem in that way. This is something to be curious about. This is something to learn about yourself. This is something to lean into. This is a way of growing and expanding and understanding, you know, who you are authentically. You might be sexually fluid. You might be pansexual or bisexual. You might be gay. But None of those mean that you have to live a certain kind of life. You can live whatever kind of life you want to live. I've got women in my Beyond Straight community that are married to men they identify as lesbian and they are in a relationship with a woman. They have a female partner and their husband a female partner and they are practicing polyamory. and I'm figuring it out and I have every of that in that I work with. There isn't just one direct and here, right? If I realize that I'm having these feelings and they're really real, it means I'm gonna devastate everybody in my life. It means I'm gonna my marriage. ⁓ It means I'm gonna no money. It means I'm gonna be destitute. It means I'm gonna lose my kids. It means I'm everybody's gonna disown me. I'm gonna be alone forever. means, you know, what if I never meet another partner? What if no woman ever finds me attractive? Right? These are so things that can come ⁓ up the side of what's the that's me to have these feelings. All of these things that mentioning. Are the reasons why looking for the problem that is causing you to have those feelings? Because it will be much easier, seemingly, ⁓ fix a problem in already existing relationship so that you can just stop having these feelings and stay where you are and not have to uproot your life and not have to do the deep work and curiosity to get to know yourself and know this aspect of you that is new. ⁓ And to come into some acceptance you even embracing yourself loving yourself and, you know, fully being able to be who you are, whether or not that's with another partner, right? Because even if you as gay or lesbian, that does not mean you need to be partnered with the same gender. So I'm a single person and I identify as gay. it's not like now that I don't have a partner, I no longer can identify as gay. You can identify however feels right for you and whatever is authentic for you. It what your relationship style is doesn't mean anything about how you identify, identified as heterosexual for most of your earlier life. But did you always have a boyfriend? Were you always sexually active with a somebody that was, ⁓ know, male? Probably not. But you still identified as heterosexual. So it's the here, right? So I just wanted to come and say this because ⁓ When women start to look for the reason why they're having the same sex attraction, they want to fix that problem so they can stop feeling this, what they're trying to do is avoid all the other things that they would need to ⁓ lean if they to accept that it's not because they're perimenopausal or menopausal. And it's not because they're bored and in a long term relationship. And it's not because they're not sexually interested in their partner anymore. It's because they're actually having same-sex attraction. this can happen for women at any point in their life. But it for so many women in their and 50s because they're finally done, you know, having and having families, and they're starting to more themselves. And they're starting to realize that they have been deeply conditioned live a very specific lifestyle that been prescribed for them and laid out ⁓ like conveyor belt. That's all you have to do is hop on and get your stamps of approval along the way. And you're going to be successful. People are going to celebrate you. You are going to belong, you are going to have friends, are going to, you know, ⁓ doing ⁓ the right things and living ⁓ the right ways. And is a very attractive package. It's a package knowing. Here's the path, hop on, we'll tell you where to go. You know from now till the day you die. ⁓ what your life is gonna be, you're gonna grow old and be together forever in this heteronormative way that you're living, you know, where you are putting yourself second and putting people's before yours. and that is giving you a great sense of value and worth in the world. ⁓ my God. She's such a good woman. She's such a good woman. She puts before herself. Right. That's to buy into. It is hard later in life to see that that's not working for you, that is breaking down for you. you're seeing other women doing it, you're watching ⁓ more representation media, and You know, famous people and podcasts and social media. seeing lesbians, young lesbians having families, and you're starting to wake up to these feelings. Don't let yourself be fooled by the part of you that is trying to gaslight you ⁓ tell you that these feelings are not real or that they're selfish or that you need to shut them down. They are your feelings and you would not be having them if they were not real. Women don't make up same-sex attraction. That is not something that happens. So That is my offer to all of you today. hope that you enjoyed this episode. I needed to just say this to everybody out there. If have a therapist that is trying to find a problem to solve so that you aren't feeling these feelings, it is time to have a serious talk with therapist. It might be time to change your therapist. It might be time to Join Beyond Strait, my community for women that are in that space of starting to question or be curious or starting to realize they really are gay and they are, you know, stuck in a in a heteronormative, heterosexual life that they've been living for a long time. it might be time to do some unpacking and unlearning and unleashing in Your Sexuality, a Sexuality Liberation Program. I am here, you know where to find me. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time.