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How to Stop Seeking Validation and Build Real Self-Worth | S2005 · The Inspired Speaker Network

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  If you're tired of hiding your brilliance behind stage fright, scripts, or playing it safe,
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  then you are in the perfect place. This is the Inspired Speaker Podcast, and I'm your host,
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  Danielle Benzon, professional rebel, voice coach, and your guide to speaking with confidence,
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  charisma, and zero BS. Around here, we don't chase perfection. We choose connection.
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  So grab a hot beverage, warm up those vocal cords, and get ready to fall wildly in love
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  with the sound of your voice. Let's get inspired. Welcome, everyone. I am so excited for today's
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  guest. Today is the wonderful, the weird, the wacky, the wise, Wendy Yacboski. She is a
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  non-denominational minister, a dear friend. She has her own podcast on the Inspired Speaker's
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  Podcast Network, The Awakening Woman on the Rise. She is so full of insight, and wisdom,
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  and vulnerability, and compassion. I am just so excited to have her on the podcast today.
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  Thank you so much for being here, Wendy. Oh, my gosh. Thanks so much for inviting me,
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  Danielle. It's a wonderful opportunity to be with you again and let people know more about
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  what I'm up to. Yeah, because people should know, because you're up to all sorts of things all the
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  time. Every time I see you, you're up to something new. So, Wendy and I go way back, and I want to
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  talk a little bit about why I invited her into the podcast network and what she's going to be
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  doing with her podcast, but I also want to talk a bit about what she does because it's really
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  interesting. So, let's start with, I know you work, I'm going to get it wrong, it's the Canadian
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  Mental Health Association. You do workshops there? Yes, I teach their program called Living Life to
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  the Full. It's an eight-week program of what I call life tools, life tools that sometimes we
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  never did learn, sometimes life tools that we knew but forgot in the craziness of life and
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  coping and managing, and it's a fabulous program. And so, you do that, you work with clients one-on-one,
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  you speak all the time, and you know, is the word minister? I don't know.
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  I'm sure it is. Is the word minister? Like, that's the verb, right? The word is minister,
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  the minister is the word. Okay, great. You minister to people, and you do ceremonies,
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  you know, you do marriages and births and deaths and all that kind of stuff. What's it like being
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  with people at those really important times in their lives? What's it like serving them
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  in those moments? Oh, my gosh, Danielle. In some ways, it's hard to put in the words
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  to accurately describe it. It's a feeling that I have of such privilege. And honestly, it feels
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  really good to me to be able to help them do something they don't know how to do, which is
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  to create the service, to remember or celebrate their loved one, or to welcome their newborn into
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  the world. Whatever it is, it's just such a privilege to feel like a part of a wonderful memory
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  that they are creating in celebrating the different parts of life.
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  And because you're non-denominational, I'm assuming it's not a cookie cutter thing,
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  you help people design around their spirituality, around how they feel. So, it's quite a kind of
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  boutique, personalized experience for every person, I imagine.
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  It absolutely is, yeah. And that's another pleasure that I get out of that. It isn't
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  cookie cutter, it's about the person, the people, the dream, you know, the joy.
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  What has been your favorite, and obviously, without giving away any personal information,
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  of course, but what has been your favorite experience to just be witness to with somebody?
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  I could speak to one wedding where the bride and the groom, it was on a golf course,
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  and the bride and groom came in on a horse-drawn cart, not cart, but carriage.
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  I mean, it's just, you know, I've done marriages on beaches, I've done
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  services in so many various places. It's a very, as you already use the word, personalized and
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  and varied way of doing what matters to each person or each family.
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  I think it's so important. It's so special. It's one of those moments you're going to remember
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  for the rest of your life. And so, having someone to help you design it and make it personal and not
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  just, you know, to make it, I don't know, I always think to make it something that is memorable and
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  personal as opposed to something big and flashy that, you know, might be cookie cutter, but
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  who cares if there's no personality to it, but it doesn't need to be crazy, 250 people, blah,
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  you know, it can just be something very meaningful to the people involved. I think that's really
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  beautiful. Absolutely. And, you know, Danielle, I just want to add something here, something about
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  not flashy and not about imposing beliefs on anyone else. One of the other things that I do
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  is spiritual care at an assisted living facility locally. And, you know, sometimes people can think
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  that spiritual care means, you know, trying to convert someone or trying to impose something
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  maybe spiritual on them. But the residents that I speak to, some of them want to talk about
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  about God or whatever that is for them, or some aspect of that. But to me, spiritual care
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  is about being with them, seeing them, spending time with them, validating them.
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  I think that one of the hardest places to be at that time in our life, or whenever it is,
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  is to be in a care residence. Because there are so many different beliefs about,
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  I don't know how much we really want to go into it, but some families or some family members
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  have a hard time going to a care residence to see their parent who isn't the same as them.
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  Yeah.
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  In the past. But most important to me is to validate the person just like it is the family
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  or whichever.
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  Yeah, I think that's so important. I mean, I had the privilege to help care for my dad
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  when he was on his way out. And it was so, wasn't there for the very end, but it was such a
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  privilege to be there. But it was very difficult because he wasn't the person that I remember.
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  And the relationship did shift and we chose to keep him home, which, you know, that's a personal
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  decision. I'm not saying, we were lucky that we could, that it was possible that we could.
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  But, you know, that brings its own challenges as well. And I love your approach to spirituality,
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  because I'm not, I don't think of myself as a spiritual person. And it's something I kind
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  of, I'm a little bit cautious about, but my experience of you is so compassionate and so
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  curious and so tolerant and so loving. There's no, there's no bigotry. There's no exclusive,
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  exclusiveness around it. I don't ever feel pressured when I'm talking to you. I just feel
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  like we can talk about stuff. We can talk about ideas. We can talk about
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  personal growth. And I find that very refreshing. So I think that's, that's something that's worth
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  noting is that whether you identify as spiritual or not, I think we all have a, we have a side of
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  us that is, you know, more, whatever that is. And it is important to be that side,
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  no matter what it's with. And if it can be done with love and tolerance and compassion,
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  that we don't need to exclude each other or judge each other in any way. I never feel judged by you
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  in any way, shape or form.
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  Yeah. You know, that feels so good, Danielle, because what you're saying really informs
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  who I am on the podcast as well. So most important to me is that each person listening,
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  I'm assuming that most of them, maybe not all of them are looking to find their personal validation
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  in time, right. But to be able to validate that each person has something very special and
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  wonderful about them, and not only special and wonderful, but intentional about them in terms of
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  their being here. That I really do believe that the more people can go, you know what,
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  I've got something to offer. And I value it. And I know that others can value from it.
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  And so I'm going to give it. And I think the world would, would definitely be a better place
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  if more truth, more authenticity, and I don't mean truth is in harsh truth. I mean, inner truth.
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  Yeah, true self could be expressed in the world, I think so many less people would feel judged,
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  labeled, avoided. You know, I really do believe that that the change in the world needs to begin
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  within each of us not to have 100 tons of pressure on us, but to bit by bit move forward
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  in, in the truth of who we are.
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  Living your truth. This is one of the many things that we have in common, one of the many
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  values that we have in common, which is why I invited you to join the Inspired Speaker Network,
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  because I believe so much in what you do. And I love the way you approach
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  the world and your coaching and your clients. So tell me a little bit about why,
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  why you said yes to starting a podcast.
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  I'm going to tell you a couple of things. And the first one surprised me, I'm just saying.
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  The first one was that when you actually at that point, you were telling me that you were getting
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  involved with podcasting in, in, in a meaningful way. And, and what you said to me, if you don't
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  mind me saying what I recall you saying, which was, you know, would you be interested or,
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  you know, not sure if you'd be interested. And then just something came over me. And I said,
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  I absolutely am interested, because I recalled a vision or I don't know if you'd call it a dream
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  that I had over some years of my life where I would watch television, and seeing someone being
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  interviewed on television. And I had a fantasy of myself doing that. And I thought, you know,
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  I could do that. And I want to do that. But as you know, I mentioned to you that was on television
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  then. So how do you get on television? So I shelved it, you know, I shelved the dream or the vision
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  until you came along, Danielle, in this moment with your with your podcast
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  network, and gave me the opportunity to say yes. And so that's the coolest thing. And I share that,
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  not just to to let you know about me or others know about me, but that,
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  that we have dreams that can be reignited. Like I didn't, I didn't search to do a podcast,
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  the podcast came to me. So I just want to it's just what I do. You know, I just want others to
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  know that that the dreams we've had can definitely come around again, and we'll have an opportunity
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  to give a different answer, which in my case was yes. And the other reason that I started the
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  podcast is that I spent so many years of my life searching outside myself for my validation.
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  I spent so many years believing that I wanted to have something to offer,
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  but I didn't really believe that it was there naturally, I felt that I needed to create,
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  not create someone else, but to be someone else other than who I was in order to succeed.
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  And it was a lot of years. And so my desire is to, to help women and anyone who
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  is in that place in their own life where they're, they are thinking, I do so much,
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  I'm working really hard. Why do I not feel satisfied? Why do I feel like I can't celebrate
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  myself? Why does it not even feel real? I'm just a doing. I want to help people know that
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  the outer reality, for lack of a better word, is not necessarily the inner reality.
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  And I also believe that not many people are taught to look within for their answers. It's always
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  about what somebody else is bringing to them, whoever it is, and whatever it is at what time
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  in life. So that is the other reason that I created it. I want to support people to recognize
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  what they're believing, be willing to question what they're believing, be willing to know that
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  there is a greater truth in them, and that they can be supported to move forward in it.
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  I love this. I love this. And I love that you are, you, you're kind of doing what you want to
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  help people do. You know, you're, you're, you're jumping on and you're, you're doing the scary
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  thing and you're, you're getting out there. And that's, that's part of what you're, you're
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  inviting other folks to do and just question and also recognize their value. You know, because
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  it's not always easy in the society we are in or the culture we grew up in to own that.
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  And I think you taking a stand for people, I'm really excited to see where this goes.
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  I'm really excited to see what you build because there is,
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  there's a lot of positive change that can come from those. They, they feel like small shifts.
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  They're not really, they're quite big shifts. And owning your self-worth is actually quite a
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  big shift actually, but they're internal and they're, they're not always, they're not always
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  dramatic. They're not always obvious on the outside, but those internal shifts, I think
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  if enough people have them, we can, we can change the world. And so I love what you're doing with
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  this. Was it, you're only, you're only into season two at the time of recording this,
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  you're only just starting season two of your podcast. How has the experience been?
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  Oh my God, Danielle. The experience of moving into the podcasting field.
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  Well, first of all and I trust everyone knows I'm not being paid to say this.
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  Danielle, if it wasn't for you, your vision, your support,
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  I don't think I'd be here on this interview with you. One of the things that I've learned through
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  you and through the beautiful, I say team, but the team of podcasters that are working together
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  is the support is absolutely incredible. And from you, the belief in each of us,
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  so I'll just own it for myself, the, the belief that you have in me. So both the support and
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  the belief you have me help me to keep going forward. I've done many things in my life where
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  something seemed like a good idea, or I thought I should do it or could do it, started, stopped.
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  And this is an incredible experience for me. It's, it's not only that I'm podcasting,
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  but how I'm growing inside, moving forward with this. So it, and you help, you help
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  make it, I won't, I don't know about easy, you make it easier. That's for sure.
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  But, and you're not asking me about the podcast network itself right now, but what I, I feel like
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  I want to say right now is that anyone who feels they have a message, they're feeling a little bit
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  unconfident, but they're willing to move forward. Joining you in the network is really going to
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  propel them forward to do things that they didn't think that they could ever do and getting their
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  message out. You know, again, I really believe that we're here on purpose. I don't think any of
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  us are accidents. Unfortunately, sometimes there's a whole bunch of crap to go through.
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  And sometimes it's about finding somebody that truly believes in us, that doesn't
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  have an agenda about what they want from us, that it's a win-win. It is truly a win-win.
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  And so what was that? I totally have an agenda. It just happens to be in alignment with yours.
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  Well, exactly. Okay. I get that for sure. But you know, but you know, so much, and I know we can't
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  talk about it a lot because that's not what this call is about, but there is a lot of agenda out
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  there that is a win-lose. That's true. And that's, what's different about this. And
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  so, yeah, it's a fantastic experience. Absolutely. And I look forward to moving forward in how it
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  both organically unfolds, but also vision unfolds.
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  I love what you said about we're all here on purpose. And I think that's part of this amazing
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  community that we've got, and hopefully that we will grow. I mean, this is the beginning,
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  right? This is the beginning of something, I hope, very big. This is a very intentional community.
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  Everyone who is in the network is here for a specific reason. They want to create positive
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  change. Everyone here is very tolerant, very curious, very compassionate. We're all growing
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  in our own ways. We're all vulnerable. We're all truthful. We're all committed to that inner honesty
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  and that integrity. We've all got that same thing. And when we're all come together,
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  and I could not have done this on my own. I mean, I'm so lucky that you all said yes,
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  because it created this beautiful, supportive environment that I haven't experienced in so long.
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  And I didn't realize it was something I was missing too. This has really fed my soul
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  as well, because, yes, we're all working very hard. But we're all working for a really good,
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  common goal. We're all doing it in our own ways, which is great. You know, there's not too much
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  outside. I mean, I have a few little things like, you know, I don't let people's grips
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  with that kind of stuff. But they're small. You know, they're all about being your authentic
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  self. It's all about helping you kind of connect more to who you are. My rules are all about being
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  more integrous and more authentic. And everyone is so supportive of each other. And there's so much
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  love and so much give and take and so much community and so much, I want to say companionship.
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  You know, I don't think any of us feel like we're doing this alone. You know,
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  not a day goes by, but there's some love going on in the chat. And someone's asking
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  some questions. You know, it's so beautiful. It's so, it just makes me all gooey.
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  And yeah, and you know, Danielle, I couldn't have imagined it until I became part of it.
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  You know, it's, I remember a friend I have who really didn't trust others to believe in her,
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  she thought that they wanted something. And it wasn't until I was consistently me,
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  that she came to think maybe she really means it. And so the reason that I'm sharing that is that,
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  that this network, in doing something that I think is new for the majority of us,
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  there really is, as you're saying, a connection with each other. And there's a part of us,
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  I believe, that knows we are here to make a difference together.
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  Yes. Yes. So, yes. And I can't wait to see this, this community grow intentionally.
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  In within the network, like we're going to bring more people into the network, more podcasters,
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  but also the audience, we're looking, we're always looking for ways to help the audience
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  interact with us more and, you know, find find spaces for comments and, and discussion,
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  because I think it's not just about the podcasters. We're the ones who are creating the content,
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  but it's about all of the listeners and everyone questioning and trying things out and suggesting
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  and that back and forth and that, that discussion that can stem the whole world because of the
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  internet. We can really spread this, this movement. It feels to feel very lofty to say movement,
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  but it is kind of, you know, we can spread this feeling of warmth and community and love and
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  we can, we can spread it all over the world and, and hold each other.
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  When maybe there isn't anyone nearby, maybe there isn't anyone in your neighborhood,
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  but we have this online network where we can hold each other and we can hold space for one another
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  and we can love each other and accept each other. And I think that is so important. And you said
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  something that really resonated with me. I, it took me a very long time to realize that I,
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  I wasn't very trusting in my relationships. It was very transactional, not in business so much,
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  but in like my personal relationships. And that you, that thing you said about, you know, it took
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  you showing up again and again as yourself and just being yourself. I think a lot of us have that
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  without even realizing we do. And for me that, that realizing that someone was always going to
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  be there, that their love wasn't conditional, that they were always going to be there. And
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  no matter how hard I tried to push them away, there was still going to be there and show up
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  as long as I showed up. And that, that shifted for me. I mean, that shifts about probably about 10
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  years old for me now, but it just occurred to me that we have to do that for ourselves as well.
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  That we have to consistently show up for ourselves. It's not just about proving to someone
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  that you're there for them on the good days and the bad. It's also proving to yourself that you are
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  here for yourself and that we are, you know, like I'm going to show up for myself. You're going to
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  show up for yourself. Each of each of us in this community, we're going to show up for ourselves
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  no matter what. Yeah. That's just, yeah. You know, you're reminding me of
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  an author that I've read on multiple occasions, Brock Tully, who's local in Vancouver here.
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  But he, in one of his books, I got the sense that if I'm not me,
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  who am I in relationship with? Who are they in relationship with? We want to be
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  ourselves as much as possible. Not perfect, because it's an ongoing process, but being
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  ourselves, as you're saying, is key to our relationships that are going to be fulfilling.
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  Yeah. Yeah. And also, yeah. And that consistency. Because I've been talking a lot about consistency
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  recently, about consistency, you know, in my business and showing up for people. But,
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  you know, what about my consistency for me? What about that? Oh, no. Oh, no. That's a
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  whole other level of personal growth I've just unlocked. There's more. There's always more.
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  Yeah. And yeah, bit by bit, Danielle, right? Bit by bit.
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  Yeah. Bit by bit. So, is there anything coming up that you want people to know about? I mean,
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  definitely go check out Wendy's podcast, The Awakening Woman on the Rise. She is so full of
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  so much insight. And as you can tell, it's this beautiful, gentle, insightful, little, little
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  pokes. I love it. You're so vulnerable in the way you share as well. It's a wonderful,
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  it's a wonderful, what's the word? Example to us all. But is there anything going on in your
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  world that you want people to know about? Actually, a little bit more about the
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  podcasting and the vision. And that is that the podcasts serve a particular purpose. And that is
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  for anyone who's listening to just to be able to have a gentle look,
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  a gentle question toward themselves, see if there's anything that they might be willing to
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  to see differently or do differently. If I have enough people that are interested in going
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  beyond the podcast, my intention is to create a community of people who are really interested to
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  work together to come to understand their authentic and real selves. So
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  that being said, that growing, then I will create a membership where there will be more opportunities
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  for either online group coaching, some kind of training. And I don't know, an idea that
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  I have in the back of my mind is one day maybe a retreat. That's in the future, but where
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  the whole thing is safety and transformation. I love that. Sign me up. I'm there.
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  I love spending time with you. I think that's great. So for those of you,
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  there may not be a link straight away, but look for one to join Wendy's community because it's coming
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  where we're working on it. So if there isn't one yet, just keep listening,
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  keep listening to the podcast. And there will a link will appear when it is time.
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  And there will be an invitation to join her community because that's definitely something
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  that I want to join. So I want to be there. And I think so many people will get just that,
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  that companionship and that gentle spiritual nurturing that you do.
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  I think so many people could benefit from that. So I'm very glad that you're building that.
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  Thank you for your support, Danielle.
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  It's such a pleasure. And I'm so glad that we're doing this. I'm so glad that,
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  we have these conversations so we can have these conversations in public now.
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  So everyone gets to enjoy them and participate. I want people to be adding their two cents and
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  asking questions that come up and I'm hoping people are commenting on these. I know it's
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  not always, depending on how you're listening to a podcast, it's not always easy to jump on
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  comments. But I hope that people can take the time because I think these discussions,
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  I'm hoping that we're talking about things that are worth talking about. That's kind of the idea.
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  So I'm hoping that these discussions are worth taking the time to find the right URL on your
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  phone or sit down on the computer and type something up. Because I think the more we
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  have these conversations, the more we examine ourselves in our lives, the more purposeful
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  our lives will be. I was just going to say that when it is like that, when it continues like that,
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  when there's more discussions like that, it becomes more like a new normal.
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  I want deep conversations to be part of, well, they are kind of part of my normal life,
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  actually, to be honest. Part of everybody's normal life. Instead of these vapid conversations
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  that can sometimes hide so much. Sometimes we have these surface level conversations and there's so
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  much going on underneath and that subtext can be so isolating. The difference between the surface
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  content of the conversation and what's going on underneath. I hope more people feel safe.
• 32:18
  You need to be in a safe place, but we're doing our best to create a safe place here
• 32:22
  in this community. I hope more people are working on creating more safe spaces so that we can have
• 32:30
  those discussions and we can talk about if we're feeling isolated or lonely or sad or joyful.
• 32:36
  Because sometimes joy is not accepted either. It's not just the bad stuff that there is no place for.
• 32:44
  There's no place for joy and that is just unacceptable to me. We're going to have to
• 32:49
  wrap it up, but Wendy, I'm putting you on the spot now. If you don't have anything, that's fine.
• 32:55
  You always have so many wonderful quotes at your fingertips. Do you have a favorite quote
• 33:00
  to share with us to send us on our way? Let me see if I can find something here.
• 33:12
  Actually, maybe it's the quote that you and I did together on our last
• 33:20
  episode six in season two, which was the one Joseph Campbell said that we need to
• 33:29
  release or let go of the life we have in order to have the life that's waiting for us.
• 33:35
  Say that again slowly. That we need to either release or let go of the life we have planned
• 33:46
  for the life that is waiting for us to receive.
• 33:52
  That's a good one. What can you release or let go of in order to receive something so much better
• 34:01
  than what was planned? We talk about that quite a lot on Wendy's podcast. I was a
• 34:10
  chatting person on your podcast. Right now, in time of recording, that is still in the future,
• 34:19
  but we've recorded it already, but it hasn't been published yet. It's all so confusing,
• 34:23
  but do check out Wendy's podcast, The Awakening Woman on the Rise. Thank you so much for being
• 34:29
  here today. I'm just so stoked that you're part of this project with me. I can't wait
• 34:36
  to see what happens. Thank you so much, Wendy. Same here. Thank you, Danielle, so much.