Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep22: Snow Laughing Matter: Winter's Funniest New Bits 🤣

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S4 Ep22: Snow Laughing Matter: Winter's Funniest New Bits 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: Mainly in America, when I was living in America last year, the amount of times Americans would say to me things like, Jack, we couldn't work out whether you were British or gay.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_03: I know.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, just because I hold out a little pinky finger whilst I'm sucking a cock, I and guys that get beat are usually unemployed.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_05: That's why you letting some woman slap you upside your fucking head.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_05: You don't have no money to defend yourself.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_05: Men is getting beat, you can see them at Walmart all day.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: But I've been single for the last year now, and it has been the most relaxing year of my entire life.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: It has been lovely.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: Waking up every day going, oh, no one's gonna make me cry today but me.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: The peace, it's lovely.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing being single is not what sucks.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: Dating is what sucks.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: And you can opt out of that.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Dating is what's shitty.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: The constant push and pull of hope and disappointment.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: Dating feels like being a stuffed animal in a claw machine.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh my god, it's happening! No, it's not.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, here we go.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Wow, can't believe I told people.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's embarrassing.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, oh, oh, oh, and you're just moving me over to get to something else.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I understand.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: I get that.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And things change so quickly as you're getting older, too.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: I had a friend, I didn't talk to her for a couple weeks.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: I called her to catch up, and she goes, You'll never guess.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: I think I met my soulmate on Bumble.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Gone, just like that.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: They're getting married this spring.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: We were lying in the same pile of stuffed animals for years.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: I closed my eyes for two minutes, and when I opened them, she was outside the glass going, It'll happen for you too!
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: The word I'm avoiding saying, of course, is penis, and now I've said it.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And do I feel better?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't love the words, you do, you know.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Big part of me probably rather say the word cock for you people.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of you'd probably rather hear it.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: The boyfriends sure did, you know.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, cock is a good word, it has a kind of dignity to it, you know, you gotta wind it up and kick it from the back of your mouth, but then it lands.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: It lands on the same damn continent started on, you know.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: Penis, penis sort of slips out the side of the mouth.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Penis, I'm sorry, did you say something?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm not sure anymore.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I thought a word and I felt something happen, you know.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: People say, people say, well, sure, I wouldn't use the word penis sexually, it's too clinical.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't hear the voice of the clinician in that word.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think penis is our most medical sounding word.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think the problem for people.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have a problem for people when the word penis lies and it's sort of tender emotionality.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I think the word penis is a problem for people because it sounds accurate to what it is.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Penis, penis.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: It sounds like a soft heartbeat.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Penis, penis, penis, penis, penis.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that's the problem.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think the problem lies in the syllables themselves, too.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think this is one of these rolls by another name scenarios, you know?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: No, I uh pea is clearly a problem.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: P, pee nerve, pee, bee, you know, it's been mocked for ages, and rightfully so.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but to me, the true, the true tender syllable of devastation, like, oh, it's the miss, it's the miss.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I can't believe that's been there the whole time.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, miss.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when no one speaks of that syllable.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's why when no one says, you know, show me that miss.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you see this miss?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Miss, miss.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: They don't even make a joke.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's too tender, it cannot be spoken.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, cock.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: Clearly, clearly, cock, clearly, cock is the sexy word.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but there's an issue.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: There's a problem with the word cock for me.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: The way it becomes unsexy.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is that when I call the penis a cock, I'm not actually calling it like I see it.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of telling it what I think it wants to hear.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Worry about the feelings of the penis.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm coddling the little ego of the penis.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm humoring the penis.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when I call the penis a cock, because I don't throw it away.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's not cock, it's cock.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Ah! Who's a cock?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're a cock.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: When I call the penis a cock, I'm humoring it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I might humor my little nephew, for example, or a friend's son, you know.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, one of these guys, these over and down guys, these little, the person I love and the little guy below them.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like when I call the penis a cock, I treat it like I treat my little nephew.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: He'll come running into the kitchen where the adults are talking, you know, wearing a little monster mask or something, and we we see him, and it's sort of like, oh, sorry, sorry.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, and then right back to talking.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_04: It's not wrong again.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, embrace, embrace that shit.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_04: Because it don't matter how young you try to look, you cannot disguise the old man walk away.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_04: You ever see a motherfucker over there with his skinny jeans on?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_04: Old niggas with a skinny jeans, stomach hanging all over the jeans.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_04: Ah, look at these skinnies.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_04: You look young as shit until you walk away.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_04: When you walk away, you cannot disguise that shit.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_04: They be like, I'll talk to y'all later.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_04: All right, how your mama doing?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_04: She good?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_04: The old niggas always be grabbing a hamstring, like they always want to know you need you don't need nothing from the store, do you?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_04: I'm gonna go down there.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_04: How your mama doing until I'm making my beans this week.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_04: It's okay to get old.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_04: It's I'm telling y'all, it's some women, some young women out here that love old heads.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_04: They be going old head hunting.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_04: It ain't just any old head, they looking for the old head that's making a transmission in his life.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_04: This nigga confused.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_04: He don't he don't know how old he is no more.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_04: How old are you?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_04: I'm 30, 52 years old, bitch.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_04: I'm 52, 31, bitch.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_04: That's how old I am.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_04: Them young chicks, they be looking for them, they be get their girls.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_04: Come on, girl, let's go.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_04: They be like, girl, you need to stop fucking with them young niggas.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_04: They gonna do shit.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_04: You need an old nigga, they only like to fuck when they got their blue pills.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_04: You ever see an old head attitude before his pill pop?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_04: You trying to grab a daddy be like, wait, wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_04: Let me get that dick, Danny.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_04: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_04: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_04: Give me 30 minutes, miss.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_04: I'll be right back.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: My mom's having a midlife crisis.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: She's really far up my ass right now.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: You know, she's 55.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, she hasn't been with anybody since my dad died.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: So it's been like 23 years since she's, you know, spread them, I guess.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: But she called me, she's having a midlife crisis.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, I want to get a facelift.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, for what?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, you don't even use your face.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: I could get it if she was out getting tagged or something, but like, you know, what are you gonna do with a facelift for?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: To watch Grayson Anime?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: I love Eric Bain.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, my mom won't fucking date.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: I'm trying to get her to date, you know.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: She was like, your father was my man.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, no, it all at first.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_02: It's been the 20 years of of this fucking Nicholas Sparks bullshit.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_02: I'm tired.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'm tired of it.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_02: She needs to get out there, okay?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: She needs to sign up to hinge or fucking bumble, whatever the fucking the one the ladies get to choose.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: Girls are so cute, they're like, it's cool, we get to choose.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: Who comes on our face?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_02: Anyway, um, ain't that nice?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: She needs to get out there.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_02: Because all that weird energy that's supposed to be on a cock goes to me and my sister, okay?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_02: And it's fucking weird.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'll go over to my mom's, I'll hang out, I'll eat dinner for an hour, and she's like, Where are you going?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, home?
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: What do you mean?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_02: Unless we're about to fuck in the shower, I don't.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_02: My duties as a son are done.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_02: It's to the point where I might just fuck her just to get her off my back.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's what maybe you're just not as good as a son as you think you are, huh?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_02: I'm the fucking son of the century right here.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: Give me my ribbon.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: If I fuck my mom over Thanksgiving, my grandpa would kiss my forehead and go, hey, what do you do for your mother?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: You're good, son.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: You're good, you know.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_03: She's smiling finally, eh?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: I know I shouldn't be throwing her under the bus.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: I should be standing up for her.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_03: That is my duty as her man.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, to be honest, that is the only time I really struggle in our relationship, is when I'm required to be the alpha.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: Fuck you.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_03: What was that?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: Just one woman involuntarily gufforing at the mere notion of me being an alpha male.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_03: I can pull off alpha.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_03: I admittedly, this pose is not helping me right now.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_03: I look like a wounded pigeon.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm held to this ridiculously high standard.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: That's the problem.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: Because the guy that she was seeing just before me was like a proper man's man, right?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: He was from the north of England, he drank beer, he played rugby league, he used to get into fights.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: Often, on her behalf, if someone disrespected her, he would have knocked them out.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: And I said to her, you know, now you're going out with me, love.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: If someone disrespects you, you're gonna have to learn to take it on the chin.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm cut from a very different class.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: But now, anyone that so much as looks at her funny, I'm expected to start a brew ha-ha.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: Which is not my style, as you may have guessed, from the fact that I use words like brew ha ha.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: But also, ultimately, I'm a coward, okay?
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: And as a coward, I can metabolize disrespect very efficiently.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: She really struggled.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: But we had one situation, right?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_03: I was doing shows in Austin, Texas, in the States, and uh we went out after the show to a sort of nightclub bar, and we're in line for this nightclub, and at the front of the line, there is a bouncer, and he was an absolute unit, all right?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: He looked like an Aberdeen Angus in a suit.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: And he was a little bit rude to my girlfriend.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: But what do you expect?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_03: He's a nightclub bouncer, he has not been employed for his bon ami.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: Anyway, she's instantly on at me.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, did you hear that?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: Huh?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_03: He just disrespected me.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: He has just disrespected your girl, Jack.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: You let that happen.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: You can let him disrespect your girl like that.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: You're just gonna let that happen.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_03: You're just gonna stand there, Jack, and do nothing about it.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yep.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: Have you seen the head on the fucker?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: I couldn't inflict any pain upon this man.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_03: But a push, I could maybe hurt his feelings.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_03: But that is all I have in my locker.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_03: I am but a humble wordsmith, Roxy.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: And whilst I am a firm believer of the idiom, the pen is mightier than the sword.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_03: We're in America right now, and these cunts have guns.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_05: And the Mexicans are taking over, I'm telling you, they take it over right now.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_05: I went to a Jamaican restaurant the other day, man.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_05: Something told me, look in the back.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_05: I said, uh hell no.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_05: It was two Mexicans back there making the Jamaican food.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_05: I said, pop, pop, pop.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_05: Shut up to the Mexican making Jamaican food.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_05: Let's stay together and be.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_05: I'm gonna support them, you know what I mean.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah, artificial intelligence is coming.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_05: But that's who they're not gonna be able to replace, a Mexican.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_05: You're gonna come back looking for the robot.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_05: Uh he's not here right now.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_05: We got him in the back back there.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_05: We uh put hydraulics on him right now.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_05: He's not talking right now, I ain't doing the work again.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_07: I feel like the ruder the coffee shop employee, the better the coffee.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know why that is, but it seems to be true like every time.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_07: Like if you go to a place and they're real friendly, you're like, ah, there's gonna be Folgers in here.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_07: Gonna be in a styrofoam cup with a lid that don't fit that good.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_07: Could have made this at home.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_07: But sometimes I love it, so I love a hipster coffee shop because I like good coffee, you know.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_07: But sometimes they complicate things for no reason, you know?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_07: Like all I drink is black coffee.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_07: And I went to this one coffee shop and I go up to the guy, he figured out a way to complicate that.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_07: I go up to him, I go, hey man, let me get a black coffee.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_07: He goes, Pour over or drip?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, I don't know, man.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_07: However, you get it in there, you know what I mean?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, I don't really know what you're asking me right now.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_07: I'm not looking to be involved in making the coffee here.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_07: Pour it, drip it, whatever you gotta do, man, but wrap it up.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_07: He was like, pour over takes 15 minutes.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, well, start dripping then.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know how you drip faster than you pour, man.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_07: That doesn't even make sense.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know how you're doing it.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know why you're doing it like that.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_07: 15 minutes to make a coffee, I don't need it to be that good, you know what I mean?
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_07: Like, I like a good coffee, but I don't need you back there massaging the beans, you know.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_07: Fifteen minutes is enough to get to know a person.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_07: I'm not trying to form a relationship with the barista here.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_07: Turns out like a pour over coffee is when they're making you your own individual cup of coffee, you know.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_07: So I guess you're taking up one employee in that coffee shop for the next 15 minutes just because you don't want your coffee mingled with the other coffee.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_07: I don't need it to be that good, you know.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_07: I don't need a pour over coffee, you know what I mean?
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_07: I have found a place uh that manages to be rude to you and give you bad coffee, and that that place is known as the Waffle House.