Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep6: Laughs Without Borders 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep6: Laughs Without Borders 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like about 10 years ago, I went on a college trip to Tijuana, Mexico.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Because that's just what a good American college student would do.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: And the thing is, walking into Mexico from the US, they don't check anything.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: There's just a big revolving door.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: You walk right in.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: They don't even check your ID.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's easier to get into Mexico than a Costco.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: You just walk in.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: And that's it.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: But coming back was a totally different story.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Coming back from Mexico to the US, there's no more revolving doors.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now it's a concrete windowless tunnel with guards with M16 machine guns.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I was super nervous being an immigrant and all.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: And my college buddy Ian next to me, he was like, Jimmy, don't worry, man.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: Just just tell them you're American.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: They let you ride through.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, easy for you to say.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Ian.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Ian walks up, he gets through, no problem.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I walk up, the first thing they'd ask me, they're like, sir, are you an American citizen?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, yes.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I forgot one very minor detail that I wasn't.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was still an immigrant on a green card and I wasn't a full-on citizen yet.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: Next thing you know, I was detained in this 10 by 10 box, and they started interrogating me.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: They were like, sir, why did you lie about your American citizenship?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I'm so sorry.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm drunk and I really wasn't trying to lie.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: My friend in front of me told me to tell you I was American, so that's just what I did.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: It was a knee-jerk reaction.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, Well, was he American?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Well, his name is Ian, so probably.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: And then the officer was like, sir, you do understand this is a very serious offense.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: We could deport you for this.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, deport me?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't even know that was an option.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: What was I gonna do back in Hong Kong?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_01: Restart my ping pong career?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: That ship has sailed, man.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, sir, please, please don't deport me.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just drunk, stupid college student.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm every bit American.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: I can recite you every single Jay-Z lyric if you want me to.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in three fantasy football leagues.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: If that's not American, I don't know what it is.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I got very lucky.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: This is what he said.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, look, kid, you got lucky.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're not gonna deport you today, okay?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: But just don't ever do that again.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Or we send you back to where you came from.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: And this motherfucker was Asian.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, where I came from?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: We came from the same place, dog.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: I think I saw you at my uncle's wedding two years ago.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you gonna throw me under the bus?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: That guy definitely washed the Great Wall many times.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: But that was a very sobering experience.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'd been in the country for 10 years at that point, but I still wasn't American.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing has changed.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: I finally got my citizenship three years ago.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it's you know you don't have to clap.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: My point is nothing has changed.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: Still Asian.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: Just because I got a new passport, nobody in any part of the world is gonna come up to me and be like, hey, look, there's an American! Holy shit, look at him, he looked just like Rocky Balboa.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: No, no, no, no.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: The first day I got my passport, I was feeling real patriotic.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I went to my local Hooters.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was drinking a Coors Light.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was watching a World Cup.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: It was USA versus Mexico, and I was like, man, I'm cheering for Team USA.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: I'm American, finally.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: And this old Mexican dude came up to me.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: He couldn't really speak English.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_01: And this is what he said.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, amigo! Amigo! Mexico! Korea! Tomorrow, huh?
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: What are you trying to start World War III or something?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not even Korean.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: He managed to insult me with the only three English words he knew.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I really felt the need to explain myself.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, sir, I'm s I'm not I'm not Korean, I'm Chinese.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then he looked back to his friends and he was like, oh, pinch each nito, huh?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, sir, you you do know that I can understand what that means, okay?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: I have Mexican friends back home just like you.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, no, I'm not Mexican.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm El Salvador.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, oh great, now I'm the fucking racist.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: And if people's gonna assume that I don't speak English, that's fine.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I do now when I get pulled over by the cops.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: I just pretend I don't speak English.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Haven't gotten a ticket in five years.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: Last time I got pulled over, the cop was knocking on my window.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, sir, you do understand you can't make a right turn here.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Says right there in the sign you can't make a right turn.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I just looked up at him.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sorry, but the English is not very good, so I cannot read it at the sign.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: And he was really confused.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: He just looked back down at me.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, sir, the sign is not in English, it's a diagram.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't understand how that's a language barrier.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I just looked up at him.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, oh.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: But do you know today is the Dragon Ball Lai Chipo?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta use it to your advantage, people.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: Very happy to be here, man.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you guys don't have to.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for all your support.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's been great.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's been really great.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm finally, I'm like quasi-famous now.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing's really changed.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: I might get a free appetizer at Select PF Chanks.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's about it.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing's really changed.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I was still using Tinder up until like a year ago.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: This is a true story.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: But now I realize I got a whole new set of issues on Tinder.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like now when I do match with a girl, she doesn't believe that it's me.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, ugh, that's not you.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's not you're not that guy from this thing and that thing.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, who the fuck is using me as a fake profile?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta dig real deep to use me, man.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like there's so many better choices out there.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: One time, one time my agent told me that I had a good look.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, thanks, dude, I appreciate that.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: But then it took me years to realize that having a good look is totally different than being good looking.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: I still don't know what the fuck it means.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: And look, I'm not being self-deprecating, okay?
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's Hollywood talk.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't I don't listen to that shit.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: I understand that in real life, I'm like super good looking.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: If you're into anime.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta get in when you fit in, people.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: One time I went over to the girl's house, she she has this like Naruto anime poster in her bedroom.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I was fucking that night.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta know your demo people.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: Asian people, we don't need Tinder anymore.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: We just go to BTS concerts.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's how we do that parking lot pimping.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I've been dating a lot of tall girls lately because it makes me look successful.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: No, no.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: I I think tall women are beautiful, but some of them like to wear heels.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: That's just disrespect.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, you're already five inches taller than me.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Why the fuck are you wearing heels?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, it makes my ass look better.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, your ass is at my eye level right now.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Neither of us look good, okay?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I look like a child, and you look like a child molester.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: My mom had bought me gym shorts that was my exact size and extra small.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: So that wasn't very cool because it came down mid-thigh.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: And apparently back in the day, that was called a John Stockton.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And the same kid next to me, that bully next to me, he's like, hey, hey, look at it.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, don't wear your pants like that.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Pull your pants down, man.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Pull your pants down.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, who's the gay one now?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: But I didn't know what to do.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody was looking at me, and this kid kept saying, pull your pants down.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, oh shit.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen Shawshank Redemption.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe this is just how it works in America.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I start pulling down my shorts all the way down to my knees, all the way down to my ankle, and that same kid, the bully next to me, is like, hey, what are you doing?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: Don't pull him down all the way?
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's gay.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what is not gay in this country?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: And apparently, this other kid next to me is like, hey, don't pull them down all the way.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Just sag them a little bit.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Just sag your pants.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't know what sagging your pants meant.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: Apparently, that's a cool hip-hop thing to pull your pants down halfway down your butt.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: So you show everybody your asshole.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And apparently that's the only not gay way to wear your pants in America.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: All these weird American things I wasn't used to.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually I learned how to speak English by watching a lot of TV, mainly B.E.T.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_01: Rap City.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Because that was my shit.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be cool and nothing cooler than B.E.T.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Rap City, right?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Every music video was a slice of somebody's American dream.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: The first music video I saw was Jay-Z's Big Pimpin'.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: You guys remember that shit?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Jay-Z's Big Pimpin was the greatest music video of all time.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's Jay-Z and his boys on a yacht pouring champagne on this beautiful woman's face for like four minutes.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this is America?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's amazing.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I wanted to do.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like before I even wanted to get in a stand up, but that's all I wanted to do.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be a rapper.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be like Jay-Z and Big Pimpin'.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I started my own rap group in high school.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's a true story.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It was me, my black friend Julian, and my other friend Yuji, who was half black and half Japanese.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: So we had perfectly one and a half black dudes and one and a half Asian dudes.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: And we called ourselves the Yellow Panthers.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I was making this shit up, but I'm not.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: The Yellow Panthers was a real rap group.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: And we had a real rap song.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: It was called Underground Railroad Builder.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was confused.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: Eventually I became a good Asian American and I went to school to get an economics degree.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Because that was the easiest degree that can still appease my Asian parents.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: But then after I graduated, I didn't want to do like econ or finance.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: So I went up to my dad.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Dad, I don't want to do any of this.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: I I want to go try and do stand-up.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, What's a stand-up?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: You mean like a talk show?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, yeah, sure, talk show, whatever you want to call it, okay?
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: But I want to go pursue my dreams.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, no.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Pursuing your dreams, how you become homeless.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, no, no, that, that, it's the things are different now.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_01: We're in America, okay?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: In America, we're supposed to do what we love.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: He was like, no.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone does what they hate for money and use the money to do what they love.