Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 475. My friends fiancé crossed a line, can I let go of resentment and I am a delayed gratification addict (Headnoise)

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475. My friends fiancé crossed a line, can I let go of resentment and I am a delayed gratification addict (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful Beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:14
Speaker 1: This is a voice note head Noise episode. For those
0:17
Speaker 1: of you knew to my podcast, head Noise episode is
0:22
Speaker 1: where you guys basically dump all your head noise into
0:25
Speaker 1: either an audio segment or an email and you share
0:28
Speaker 1: it with me and the Beans our community, and we
0:32
Speaker 1: kind of break it apart and analyze it and try
0:35
Speaker 1: and get you as close to an answer as possible.
0:37
Speaker 1: I'm not always able to give you an answer because
0:40
Speaker 1: sometimes your situations either I just due to the nature
0:44
Speaker 1: of how much time you have to ask the question,
0:46
Speaker 1: I don't have total insight into your situation. But also
0:49
Speaker 1: sometimes the best way to come up with an answer
0:51
Speaker 1: is not to be told what to do, but to
0:52
Speaker 1: be asked enough questions for you to kind of do
0:55
Speaker 1: that self discovery that occurs when you ask yourself the
0:58
Speaker 1: right questions and then you will away with an answer
1:01
Speaker 1: that you're really confident with. And the reason why I
1:03
Speaker 1: think that sometimes better is because it feels like it
1:06
Speaker 1: really came from you. It feels like you are the
1:08
Speaker 1: one in control of the answer. You're in control of
1:11
Speaker 1: the situation, and even if it's hard, whether it's hard
1:14
Speaker 1: or not you feel like you're walking away being like
1:16
Speaker 1: I'm the one powering this thing. Then there's going to
1:18
Speaker 1: be other times where I'm so blunt on my answer
1:21
Speaker 1: and I said, there are no two ways about it.
1:22
Speaker 1: This is what you're going to fucking do. But regardless,
1:25
Speaker 1: I also love it when you guys send through updates
1:29
Speaker 1: on how things went after I've given you advice. So
1:33
Speaker 1: this is why it's really important. But I'm just this
1:36
Speaker 1: is it's not actually that important. But for me, it's
1:38
Speaker 1: really important to come up with really great titles for
1:41
Speaker 1: your head noise questions because when you come up with
1:45
Speaker 1: like if you ever write back being like, oh my god,
1:47
Speaker 1: you answered my question and this is how it's going,
1:48
Speaker 1: or I dumped this person, or I book that ticket
1:50
Speaker 1: or I did this thing, you put the title of
1:53
Speaker 1: the episode, and I'm more likely this's just how memory works.
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Speaker 1: I'm more likely to remember the context of the question
2:00
Speaker 1: if it had a really outrageous or memorable like tagline
2:05
Speaker 1: title to the question. Okay, so, for example, someone recently
2:09
Speaker 1: emailed with an update on their life and the title
2:13
Speaker 1: of their question was very memorable. So instantly I'm like, oh, yep,
2:16
Speaker 1: I know that question. I didn't have to go back
2:17
Speaker 1: and read the question and be like, oh, yes, I
2:19
Speaker 1: did that a few months ago whatever. Instantly it came
2:21
Speaker 1: to me. So basically, if you are going to send
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Speaker 1: in a question, please, if you can be fucked, put
2:28
Speaker 1: a really creative random title, because then it helps me
2:31
Speaker 1: remember it really really quickly and I can retrieve it
2:33
Speaker 1: from my retrieval memory because I've got a hook, a
2:35
Speaker 1: memory hook. If you are interested in that, I've got
2:37
Speaker 1: a whole fucking episode on memories. But that's not what
2:40
Speaker 1: today's about. We're getting straight into the voicemail questions, so
2:44
Speaker 1: let's get into it.
2:47
Speaker 2: Hi.
2:47
Speaker 3: Alexis long term listener from the UK. Here your tough
2:51
Speaker 3: love and science insights. So got me through my first breakup,
2:54
Speaker 3: my first lost for family member, distancing myself from my
2:57
Speaker 3: narcissistic mother, and a myriad other thing including fertility, infertility,
3:02
Speaker 3: overcoming judgment from family and in laws. Anyway, I am
3:06
Speaker 3: a hard core subscriber to delayed gratification. The most obvious
3:09
Speaker 3: example of this is my PhD, which has two years
3:12
Speaker 3: remaining but will total four degrees and over eight years
3:15
Speaker 3: of higher education. I also have a final major proctectomy
3:19
Speaker 3: surgery around the corner, which has a one year minimum recovery,
3:22
Speaker 3: which I have somehow turned into a project to prepare
3:25
Speaker 3: and recover from. So my issue is this, I live
3:29
Speaker 3: in a countdown to the next big thing, and then
3:31
Speaker 3: I failed to celebrate little things or to be present.
3:33
Speaker 3: In fact, I usually dismiss the success of big achievements
3:37
Speaker 3: because there was always something else lined up. Now, the
3:40
Speaker 3: PhD becoming a Doctor of Inclusive Design and the Barbie
3:43
Speaker 3: Bart surgery both symbolize the end of two lifelong journeys
3:47
Speaker 3: eight years of studying and twenty one years of crones
3:49
Speaker 3: and over twelve surgeries. I don't want to spend the
3:52
Speaker 3: next two to three years in accountdown blur, never being present,
3:55
Speaker 3: and I want to celebrate these things without being swept
3:57
Speaker 3: away by whatever. The next milestone is to collect the
4:00
Speaker 3: reward at the end of the delayed gratification rainbow love
4:03
Speaker 3: from a delayed gratification addict.
4:07
Speaker 1: Great question. Okay, so the first thing I want to
4:09
Speaker 1: say is, well, congratulations on all the hard work and
4:12
Speaker 1: on finally getting the surgery that you need to get
4:15
Speaker 1: doing this PhD. Like, that's awesome, and it is important
4:17
Speaker 1: that you do pause and reflect and think, look how
4:20
Speaker 1: far I've come and look what I've done. But I
4:22
Speaker 1: totally get what you're saying. It can get to a
4:24
Speaker 1: point where it's all about the next milestone, the next milestone,
4:27
Speaker 1: the next milestone. How do I actually pause and enjoy
4:30
Speaker 1: these things. That's kind of where things get really interesting
4:34
Speaker 1: when it comes to milestone goals. Okay, it's almost like,
4:39
Speaker 1: and I'm not saying that you do this, I don't
4:40
Speaker 1: think you actually do this, but a lot of people
4:42
Speaker 1: when it comes to milestone gold, they will think I
4:44
Speaker 1: will feel X when this happens. I'll they feel happy,
4:48
Speaker 1: I'll finally feel valuable, I'll finally feel good enough, I'll
4:52
Speaker 1: finally feel relief. I'll finally feel like I've got time
4:54
Speaker 1: when this one major thing happens. So they work so
4:57
Speaker 1: hard and then the thing happens, but then they've got
4:59
Speaker 1: all these other things that they never end up feeling
5:01
Speaker 1: that big emotion that they hoped that they would feel. Okay,
5:06
Speaker 1: what I think is really important is that you have
5:08
Speaker 1: to always have a fine balance of milestone goals, which
5:13
Speaker 1: is exactly what you do, which is your PhD. It's
5:16
Speaker 1: a big surgery that then requires this rehabilitation, big recovery
5:20
Speaker 1: from you know, the course that you're doing, the whatever
5:24
Speaker 1: it is. There's milestone goals, the book that you're writing.
5:26
Speaker 1: I've wrote a book and I had to hand in
5:28
Speaker 1: the draft and it was fucking hairy by the end
5:29
Speaker 1: of it. You know, that's all well and good. But
5:32
Speaker 1: then separate to milestone goals, you need lifestyle goals. The
5:37
Speaker 1: lifestyle goals are the things that you do constantly, consistently
5:42
Speaker 1: where there's still growth, there's still change, there's still evolution,
5:46
Speaker 1: but it is a part of your lifestyle ongoing, and
5:50
Speaker 1: the goal isn't for the outcome. The goal is to
5:54
Speaker 1: better your life overall, and that is why you're doing it. So,
5:57
Speaker 1: for example, being healthy, it's not like, oh, once I
6:00
Speaker 1: reach this, then I'm just going to stop eating well.
6:03
Speaker 1: The aim is I just overall want this really nice.
6:06
Speaker 1: I want to treat my body well. So I'm going
6:07
Speaker 1: to be healthy or I'm going to For example, I
6:09
Speaker 1: personally have recently started swimming a little bit more consistently
6:13
Speaker 1: and I'm loving it, and I don't really have any like, yeah, okay,
6:16
Speaker 1: I want to swimm accaine one go without taking a
6:18
Speaker 1: rest and whatever, But ultimately I'd love for swimming to
6:21
Speaker 1: become part of my lifestyle. Why when I do what,
6:23
Speaker 1: I feel a lot calmer. You just feel so good
6:26
Speaker 1: in the water, the salt I swim in this like
6:28
Speaker 1: salt ocean pool kind of thing and it just feels good,
6:31
Speaker 1: like I just know exactly how I'm going to feel.
6:33
Speaker 1: So then there's no major outcome. It's a lifestyle goal.
6:36
Speaker 1: So when you start bringing more and more lifestyle goals
6:39
Speaker 1: into your life, that's where you start creating more presence
6:43
Speaker 1: in the moment, the daily, day to day. I'm enjoying
6:46
Speaker 1: my life as it's going, so you will already find
6:50
Speaker 1: more life satisfaction. And it sounds cliche, but it is
6:54
Speaker 1: celebrating the small winds. It's that kind of thing. But
6:56
Speaker 1: how do you do it practically and tangibly? And this
6:58
Speaker 1: is how you do it. You create these goals that
7:01
Speaker 1: are lifestyle goals. It becomes a part of you, becomes
7:04
Speaker 1: a part of your identity which you can keep if
7:06
Speaker 1: it works for you, or you can let go off
7:07
Speaker 1: if it no longer serves you. But it is part
7:09
Speaker 1: of you that helps you feel really present, It helps
7:12
Speaker 1: you feel really connected. Okay, the milestone goals, Yes, it's
7:19
Speaker 1: ultimately it's always going to be something that you're like
7:21
Speaker 1: trying to achieve and then it's over. But being someone
7:23
Speaker 1: who's really goal driven as you are, there's always going
7:26
Speaker 1: to be the next thing on the horizon. There's always
7:27
Speaker 1: going to be the next thing. You're going to get
7:29
Speaker 1: this PhD, and I can guarantee you by the time,
7:30
Speaker 1: even before the PhD is done, you've got another big
7:33
Speaker 1: goal up your sleeve. I can guarantee you because that's
7:34
Speaker 1: the kind of person that you are. So you've got
7:36
Speaker 1: to ask yourself, how am I able to create that balance?
7:40
Speaker 1: And I guarantee you when you start doing these lifestyle goals,
7:44
Speaker 1: you will be calmer and more present when you achieve
7:47
Speaker 1: the milestone goals, because your life isn't a blur. You're
7:50
Speaker 1: dividing your time between. Yes, this milestone is important and
7:53
Speaker 1: it is taking a lot of my energy, but regardless
7:55
Speaker 1: of how much energy it takes, at least a portion
7:57
Speaker 1: of my day is in the now, in the present,
8:00
Speaker 1: in these things that are good for me and my
8:01
Speaker 1: body and my mind now, and just by default, you
8:05
Speaker 1: become more present overall. Okay, hopefully that helped, But that's
8:08
Speaker 1: a really, really fucking good question. Okay, next question.
8:13
Speaker 4: Hi Alexis. I love your pod so much. Thank you
8:17
Speaker 4: for everything. This is a little bit of a triggering topic,
8:20
Speaker 4: so trigger warning for those listening. My best friend and
8:23
Speaker 4: I made a really good mutual friend last year. We
8:27
Speaker 4: went to an event with her and her fiance was there.
8:31
Speaker 4: They have been together for years. We're new to this dynamic,
8:35
Speaker 4: so we're just getting to know him. All is well,
8:37
Speaker 4: liquor is involved until after the fact, my best friend
8:41
Speaker 4: broke down to me telling me that he had been
8:43
Speaker 4: feeling up on her and assaulting her the entire time
8:48
Speaker 4: that our friend was not around. We decided not to
8:52
Speaker 4: say anything, which was of course very hard for her
8:55
Speaker 4: to hold that together because we had to go to
8:58
Speaker 4: their wedding a week after that. So we're trying to
9:02
Speaker 4: hold it together after this, We're trying to give the
9:04
Speaker 4: benefit of the doubt move past the situation. When he
9:08
Speaker 4: then does the exact same thing to me on New
9:11
Speaker 4: Year's Eve. Every time our friend isn't around, he's feeling
9:14
Speaker 4: up on me, same exactly he did to my best friend.
9:17
Speaker 4: We don't want to lose this friend, but we also
9:20
Speaker 4: don't want him to continue to isolate us from her.
9:23
Speaker 4: She doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, and we don't
9:27
Speaker 4: know what to do. We feel guilty not saying anything,
9:29
Speaker 4: but we also are afraid to So I was just
9:31
Speaker 4: hoping that you could give us a little bit of
9:33
Speaker 4: insight into maybe what you would do in this situation,
9:36
Speaker 4: or a couple of options. Thank you so much, and
9:40
Speaker 4: I love you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
9:43
Speaker 1: Okay, firstly, love that you were singing through the intro
9:47
Speaker 1: and outrup your question. I love that. Secondly, this is
9:50
Speaker 1: extremely heavy, extremely heavy, and what I'm going to say
9:54
Speaker 1: to you is probably going to be difficult because it's
9:57
Speaker 1: not exactly the answer you want. But I'll try and
9:59
Speaker 1: give you some options as well. So the main thing
10:02
Speaker 1: here is that you don't want to lose your friend,
10:06
Speaker 1: your friendship with her, both of you, you and your
10:07
Speaker 1: best friend, do not want to lose this friendship with her.
10:09
Speaker 1: I understand that, but I think there is it's not negotiable.
10:13
Speaker 1: You have to tell her. She will not believe you
10:16
Speaker 1: if this guy is abusive or controlling or coercive control
10:19
Speaker 1: or anything above narcissistic, whatever he is, if he happens
10:22
Speaker 1: to fall under those categories, if he's just downright an asshole.
10:25
Speaker 1: I get the feeling that he's a bit more controlling
10:27
Speaker 1: than just being an asshole, because you said that he
10:29
Speaker 1: tries to isolate her from her friends, so because she
10:32
Speaker 1: doesn't have many friends, so I feel like it's kind
10:35
Speaker 1: of he was almost testing you, guys in a way,
10:37
Speaker 1: or maybe he's subconsciously or consciously trying to push you
10:41
Speaker 1: guys away. So it still isolates her and he's got
10:44
Speaker 1: full control of her. I'm not sure exactly sure what
10:46
Speaker 1: his ultimate goal or prerogative is, but it's definitely something
10:49
Speaker 1: where there is control and a power dynamic imbalance going
10:52
Speaker 1: on in that relationship. So given that, so the likelihood
10:56
Speaker 1: of her believing you when she was already engaged with
10:59
Speaker 1: this guy before she met you, guys, is going to
11:01
Speaker 1: be very low. She's not going to want to believe you.
11:04
Speaker 1: She's now married to him, and she even if she
11:06
Speaker 1: does believe you, she likely won't want to admit it
11:09
Speaker 1: unless there's already evidence that she's seen and she knows about,
11:12
Speaker 1: and so she's like, ah, this is just confirming it.
11:14
Speaker 1: If she's never been exposed to this, order just always
11:18
Speaker 1: just never known that he was like that, never had
11:20
Speaker 1: the opportunity to see the evidence. She probably will not
11:23
Speaker 1: believe you. So this is how you've got to do it.
11:25
Speaker 1: You've got to say, we're going to tell you something
11:27
Speaker 1: that you do not want to hear and you probably
11:30
Speaker 1: won't believe. But as real friends, we are going to
11:33
Speaker 1: tell you. You then decide what you do with that information.
11:36
Speaker 1: But we're telling you for two reasons. We're telling you
11:38
Speaker 1: Number one because we respect you and you need to
11:41
Speaker 1: know the truth. And number two because we don't want
11:45
Speaker 1: to be put in that situation ever again. The man
11:46
Speaker 1: is a fucking predator. Okay, just because you're friends with her,
11:49
Speaker 1: you don't ever have to be exposed to being assaulted
11:53
Speaker 1: by somebody. I don't care how close a friend I
11:55
Speaker 1: am with someone, if their partner assaulted me, there'd be
11:57
Speaker 1: no fucking way they wouldn't know about it. For two reasons.
12:00
Speaker 1: For their sake, because they need the opportunity to walk
12:02
Speaker 1: away from the relationship if they want, And for my sake,
12:04
Speaker 1: because I'm not fucking putting myself in the firing line
12:06
Speaker 1: ever fucking again in front of that motherfucker. Okay, So
12:09
Speaker 1: those are the two reasons. So you tell her this,
12:11
Speaker 1: and then you say, if you don't believe us. We
12:15
Speaker 1: understand why you might not believe us because you don't
12:17
Speaker 1: want to and you're married, so you might, but this
12:20
Speaker 1: is the truth. We are here for you regardless if
12:24
Speaker 1: you don't want to talk to us, if you want
12:25
Speaker 1: to push us away, if you you know, that's your
12:28
Speaker 1: decision and we will respect how you process this information.
12:31
Speaker 1: But if you change your mind, we are here for you.
12:34
Speaker 1: So basically, what you're saying is no matter how angry
12:36
Speaker 1: she gets, no matter the accusations she is, you're kind
12:38
Speaker 1: of basically saying, we know you're in an abusive relationship,
12:41
Speaker 1: or we know you're in like this fucked power dynamic
12:43
Speaker 1: of for a relationship that when you do eventually get
12:46
Speaker 1: enough evidence or decide to admit that this is actually
12:50
Speaker 1: the truth and deep down you know it, and when
12:51
Speaker 1: you decide to kind of gather everything and maybe leave,
12:55
Speaker 1: we're not going to throw it in your face in
12:56
Speaker 1: the future. I think where a lot of people get
12:58
Speaker 1: scared when they're in this relflationships is that they might
13:01
Speaker 1: say you're a liar, you're with the issue of that,
13:03
Speaker 1: so they push all their friends away and then they
13:06
Speaker 1: really are isolated. So if you want to be that
13:08
Speaker 1: good friend and say, look, we're acknowledging you're in a
13:11
Speaker 1: toxic relationship. Your likely reaction is going to be to
13:14
Speaker 1: deny it and also probably push us away, And you're
13:16
Speaker 1: going to think that we're going to hate you forever
13:18
Speaker 1: because blah blah blah blah blah. You prep it that way,
13:21
Speaker 1: you say, this is the truth. Both of us have
13:24
Speaker 1: experienced it. Both of us are not lying to you. However,
13:28
Speaker 1: if you don't believe us, for X was there reasons,
13:30
Speaker 1: we understand why you wouldn't want to believe us. But
13:32
Speaker 1: we're always going to be here, even if you're angry
13:34
Speaker 1: at us, even if you think we're lying to you,
13:36
Speaker 1: we will be here if you ever decide to leave
13:39
Speaker 1: him and change your mind, whatever, because there's no way
13:42
Speaker 1: that she's going to that. If things are going to
13:45
Speaker 1: stay the way they are. You cannot maintain a friendship
13:47
Speaker 1: with her as it is, with her knowing and her
13:51
Speaker 1: staying married to that guy. Something's got to give. You
13:54
Speaker 1: also cannot maintain a friendship with her while she's married
13:57
Speaker 1: to that guy without her knowing, because then you are
13:59
Speaker 1: putting your again in the firing line of this absolute predator.
14:02
Speaker 1: And I think that once you know, if she's a
14:04
Speaker 1: good friend, you would not want the opportunity because she
14:08
Speaker 1: might say, you know what, guys, I know, I've recently
14:12
Speaker 1: come to realize that he's actually like like, you give
14:14
Speaker 1: her an opportunity, right. You also have to realize that she,
14:18
Speaker 1: if she believes you, she has the right to know
14:20
Speaker 1: this information to then do what she thinks is best
14:24
Speaker 1: with that information. I would never withhold that information from
14:27
Speaker 1: a best friend of mine, no matter how hard it
14:28
Speaker 1: is to tell my friend. They deserve to know the truth.
14:31
Speaker 1: If my fucking partner was doing that to my friends
14:34
Speaker 1: and they didn't tell me, I would die a slow,
14:38
Speaker 1: mortifying death because I would just be oh, I can't
14:41
Speaker 1: I cannot even imagine trust me. Even if she doesn't
14:45
Speaker 1: believe it in the start, long, long, long term, she'd
14:48
Speaker 1: want to know. Okay, so you are doing her a favor,
14:50
Speaker 1: whether it's benefiting her in the short term or not.
14:53
Speaker 1: Hopefully she's able to see this and it doesn't take
14:56
Speaker 1: her too long to come to her sensus. But I
14:58
Speaker 1: agree with you, she's probably not going to believe it.
15:00
Speaker 1: The alternative would be to go right to the fucking
15:04
Speaker 1: source and hit this guy up and say you assaulted
15:07
Speaker 1: both of us, You met us extremely uncomfortable, and if
15:11
Speaker 1: you don't tell her, we will. Okay, you've got twenty
15:15
Speaker 1: four hours to tell her and then he's probably But
15:18
Speaker 1: the reason why I don't recommend that is because if
15:20
Speaker 1: he's controlling, if he's whatever, he's going to come up
15:23
Speaker 1: with some very convoluted, weird story and then he's going
15:26
Speaker 1: to cut her contact with you guys before you guys
15:28
Speaker 1: get the chance to speak to her. That's why I
15:30
Speaker 1: would not recommend that option. If he is manipulative and controlling,
15:34
Speaker 1: hopefully you're willing to tell her. The thing is that
15:40
Speaker 1: you're going to get to a point if you don't
15:41
Speaker 1: tell her, you're going to get to a point where
15:43
Speaker 1: you're going to avoid hanging out with this guy. And
15:44
Speaker 1: she's going to be like, why aren't you hanging out
15:46
Speaker 1: with him? Why didn't you never want to see him? Why?
15:48
Speaker 1: You're just making it very, very complicated, And I know
15:51
Speaker 1: it's really hard. I know you don't want to lose her.
15:53
Speaker 1: I know you don't want her to be more isolated.
15:55
Speaker 1: But the faster she knows the facts, the faster she's
16:00
Speaker 1: going to be able to make up her mind about him.
16:02
Speaker 1: Even if it requires her being isolated for a bit
16:05
Speaker 1: in between. But as that friend who supports someone in
16:09
Speaker 1: an emotionally manipulative or controlling relationship, you always preface it
16:13
Speaker 1: with the door is always open for you to talk
16:16
Speaker 1: to us, even if you're angry at us right now,
16:18
Speaker 1: even if you don't believe us. We understand where you're
16:20
Speaker 1: coming from, we understand why you would feel that way.
16:22
Speaker 1: But the door is open, always open. You can contact
16:25
Speaker 1: us in six months time. We're here for you. So
16:26
Speaker 1: if you ever want to leave him, we are here
16:28
Speaker 1: for you, okay. And then see how she reacts. She
16:32
Speaker 1: might say, oh, but I just this and here might
16:34
Speaker 1: change and this and that, and say, you know what,
16:36
Speaker 1: if you believe us, but you still want to be
16:37
Speaker 1: with him, fine, well there's nothing we can do about that.
16:40
Speaker 1: But we're not going to hang out with him. We're
16:42
Speaker 1: not gonna hang up with the two of you together.
16:43
Speaker 1: We'll hang out with you one on one, but we're done.
16:45
Speaker 1: I don't hang around with predators, thank you very much.
16:47
Speaker 1: I don't hang around with people with that fucking grope.
16:49
Speaker 1: And I just beyond that's assault, As you said, it's
16:53
Speaker 1: assault because it's non consensual, not to mention the fact
16:56
Speaker 1: that he's like going behind her back to do it.
16:58
Speaker 1: That's like not even mentioning that. So this guy's obviously tapped,
17:03
Speaker 1: tird who needs to be out of your life. Hopefully
17:06
Speaker 1: that helped. I really hope you do speak to her.
17:09
Speaker 1: You will feel better, trust me. As hard as it is,
17:12
Speaker 1: you will feel better for talking to her as well. Anyway,
17:15
Speaker 1: thank you so much for sending in that question. It's
17:17
Speaker 1: fucking hard, but yeah, it is a really good question.
17:20
Speaker 1: And yeah, hate hate that you're going through that and
17:24
Speaker 1: that she's going through that, Like fuck being married to
17:26
Speaker 1: that count anyway, next question, Next and.
17:29
Speaker 2: Last, heiloxa Canadian beat here which I wanted to say
17:37
Speaker 2: thank you for the podcast. Be really hopeful to be
17:40
Speaker 2: over the last few years. So my partner I have
17:43
Speaker 2: been together for about fifteen years, and I'll tell you
17:47
Speaker 2: about six years ago, they got diagnosed with a really
17:50
Speaker 2: bad pressure and as you care bad it it's went
17:54
Speaker 2: south very very quickly, and it was a rough few
17:57
Speaker 2: years for the both of us. My partner is starting
18:01
Speaker 2: to do better now, so that's good, but there's a
18:05
Speaker 2: small part of me that's not fully able to move on.
18:09
Speaker 2: But there's still a small part of me that I'm
18:12
Speaker 2: not sure if it's resentment or what feelings they are,
18:16
Speaker 2: but I'm having a really hard time just kind of
18:18
Speaker 2: moving past how bad everything got during those years, knowing
18:23
Speaker 2: as well that it's not my partner's fault at all,
18:25
Speaker 2: but just wondering if you could shed some light on
18:28
Speaker 2: any advice for how couples could get something like that
18:33
Speaker 2: or how they could rebuild. Thanks again, and yeah, thank
18:37
Speaker 2: you again from Canada.
18:39
Speaker 1: Okay, this is a really, really really good question. I
18:41
Speaker 1: just want to say for everyone listening, there was a
18:42
Speaker 1: section in that audio where it did drop out for
18:44
Speaker 1: a few seconds, so there was a bit of content
18:46
Speaker 1: that I didn't quite capture as part of the question.
18:48
Speaker 1: But I do think there's enough here, especially with the
18:50
Speaker 1: final question, that I can definitely answer this question, even
18:53
Speaker 1: though I'm missing a little bit of an audio there. Love
18:57
Speaker 1: Canadian beans. By the way, Thank you so much for listening. Yeah,
19:00
Speaker 1: definitely great question, By the way, great. I know I
19:03
Speaker 1: say that with all questions, but this is a very
19:05
Speaker 1: very very good question. Can you repair The answer is
19:07
Speaker 1: absolutely yes, you can repay if both parties are willing
19:11
Speaker 1: to come to the table and work on the repair.
19:13
Speaker 1: Then I think you can come back from almost anything
19:16
Speaker 1: in a relationship, almost anything, okay, as long as both
19:20
Speaker 1: partners are opened and willing. Another thing that you spoke
19:22
Speaker 1: about is this resentment for what you were put through.
19:24
Speaker 1: Because you would have gone through Helen back, I can
19:28
Speaker 1: imagine how difficult it would be. Of course it was
19:29
Speaker 1: difficult for your partner, but often you, because you're not
19:34
Speaker 1: the one directly experiencing the depression, it kind of gets
19:37
Speaker 1: pushed to the side because that's not where the real
19:39
Speaker 1: initial immediate problem is. So you're experiencing all this residual
19:43
Speaker 1: kind of all the side effects that happens to the relationship,
19:47
Speaker 1: to what happens when you're dating someone with depression and
19:49
Speaker 1: all these things, and then yeah, of course you're going
19:51
Speaker 1: to feel resentful. You're obviously logically talking yourself away from
19:54
Speaker 1: trying to feel resentful to your partner because you think, well,
19:56
Speaker 1: it wasn't their fault, they didn't mean to put me
19:59
Speaker 1: through this. But you're still feeling like you haven't been
20:04
Speaker 1: heard or seen as far as what you went through.
20:08
Speaker 1: But you're still feeling like you weren't heard or seen
20:10
Speaker 1: as far as what you went through during that time.
20:13
Speaker 1: In the relationship. So what I would recommend that you do,
20:16
Speaker 1: and this all boils down to if your partner is
20:19
Speaker 1: willing and open and accepting to work through this with you.
20:23
Speaker 1: But I think it's important that you firstly are very
20:26
Speaker 1: open and honest with your partner and address how you feel.
20:28
Speaker 1: But you want to refer to the depression not as
20:31
Speaker 1: being part of your partner, but as like an outside
20:35
Speaker 1: party of the relationship. So there's you, there's your partner,
20:38
Speaker 1: and there was the depression, and the depression caused this
20:42
Speaker 1: pain for both of you. The depression caused all these issues.
20:44
Speaker 1: The depression, you know, because you don't want to say
20:47
Speaker 1: you did this, and you did that, and you you
20:49
Speaker 1: you you you, Especially when we're talking about really severe depression,
20:52
Speaker 1: it can completely hijack somebody's life and you know, the
20:57
Speaker 1: how they behave, how they treat the people closest to them,
21:00
Speaker 1: and if it's not poorly, but in the sense of
21:01
Speaker 1: like maybe not being so intimate or a band and
21:04
Speaker 1: their loved ones and things like that, it can really
21:07
Speaker 1: it can really fuck up someone and their life. So
21:10
Speaker 1: if possible, I'd like you to talk to your partner
21:13
Speaker 1: about it and say I want us to get to
21:15
Speaker 1: a point where we're stronger than ever because of you know,
21:18
Speaker 1: the hardship that we've gone through. But in order to
21:20
Speaker 1: do that, we need to talk about the things that
21:22
Speaker 1: have hurt both of us and the depression what it
21:26
Speaker 1: did to our relationship. So you are then not making
21:30
Speaker 1: it in any way, shape or form an attack on
21:33
Speaker 1: your partner. And I can guarantee you there's a massive difference,
21:37
Speaker 1: as you know, as we all know, there's a massive
21:38
Speaker 1: difference when someone says you did this to me and
21:40
Speaker 1: you and then walls go up and you feel really
21:41
Speaker 1: defensive in your fiel and I, God, I've done something wrong.
21:43
Speaker 1: Now I've got to be on the defensive. Now. I
21:45
Speaker 1: don't know how to respond, to react or apologize. I
21:47
Speaker 1: don't know. You feel kind of on the on the
21:50
Speaker 1: second foot, you know, on the other foot, or whatever
21:52
Speaker 1: the saying is versus If you say this situation has
21:56
Speaker 1: caused this, how can we as a team repair? What
22:00
Speaker 1: would that look like? So once you've established that, then
22:03
Speaker 1: you say, the depression and what it did to you
22:07
Speaker 1: caused me to feel you know, unheard, caused me to
22:11
Speaker 1: feel hurt, caused me to feel all these things, And
22:14
Speaker 1: I would like for us both to be able to
22:17
Speaker 1: work through that together. So how do we you know,
22:19
Speaker 1: how can I feel validated from you even though you
22:22
Speaker 1: weren't responsible for the depression that happened. I would like
22:25
Speaker 1: to start doing things with our relationship where I can
22:27
Speaker 1: feel like I'm your number one priority and I am
22:30
Speaker 1: really validated and I feel secure in our relationship together.
22:33
Speaker 1: You are doing so well. I'm proud of you for
22:36
Speaker 1: the improvements that you're making. I'm proud of the progress.
22:38
Speaker 1: I'm here for you on this journey. But in order
22:42
Speaker 1: for me to be the best partner possible, I need
22:44
Speaker 1: things from you as well. And I can guarantee you
22:47
Speaker 1: when when your partner here's that from you, they will
22:52
Speaker 1: want to make you feel better. They'd want to make
22:56
Speaker 1: you feel secure. One of the best things you can
22:59
Speaker 1: do from someone who is really struggling or in the
23:01
Speaker 1: pits or whatever it is, to get them to do
23:03
Speaker 1: something for someone else where they really feel like they're helping,
23:06
Speaker 1: give them a project with depth and with meaning, and
23:11
Speaker 1: it actually starts helping them heal the relationship within themselves
23:14
Speaker 1: and with their depression as well. So it's a two
23:16
Speaker 1: pronged beneficial thing. So you say I need you, because
23:20
Speaker 1: you know, I obviously value you, i'd love you, I
23:23
Speaker 1: respect you, and I really value our relationship. So as
23:25
Speaker 1: part of the healing, your personal healing, I think we
23:28
Speaker 1: as a couple need to be healing as well. But
23:30
Speaker 1: I think it's really important that you try your very
23:32
Speaker 1: very very very very best to not make it you
23:34
Speaker 1: you you you, and speak of it as the depression
23:37
Speaker 1: has caused this in you and it caused these repercussions
23:40
Speaker 1: in our relationship and on me. I really hope that helped.
23:44
Speaker 1: There's really really good questions coming through. But I think
23:47
Speaker 1: a lot of people would resonate with you because so often,
23:50
Speaker 1: so often people are in a relationship where one has
23:53
Speaker 1: depression and one is battling a mental health issue and
23:56
Speaker 1: the other one is kind of trying to support but
23:58
Speaker 1: feeling pushed down. It wants to be there for you,
24:00
Speaker 1: but that doesn't feel so if you can stay together
24:02
Speaker 1: through it, it would be so sad to have gone
24:04
Speaker 1: through all of that and then stayed together and then
24:06
Speaker 1: only after it ends up ending because of the resentment
24:09
Speaker 1: and the pain that was never you know, you've never
24:11
Speaker 1: seen or heard. After the fact, the fact that you
24:14
Speaker 1: stayed together and were able to stay together. Is like
24:17
Speaker 1: a credit. It's a credit to you. So you know
24:21
Speaker 1: the priority now is repair, and repair can occur as
24:25
Speaker 1: long as both parties are aware and both parties understand
24:28
Speaker 1: where the other one's coming from. Repair can happen at
24:30
Speaker 1: almost any time in a relationship after almost anything, and
24:35
Speaker 1: I say almost anything, because they are there are going
24:37
Speaker 1: to be some like asterisk there, which I'm not even
24:39
Speaker 1: going to get into. But in general, affairs, mental health
24:42
Speaker 1: problems like completely different, all kinds of things, things that
24:46
Speaker 1: were intentional, things that are unintentional, things that are your fault,
24:49
Speaker 1: that are not your fault, all these things. Repair can
24:52
Speaker 1: do wonders, okay, but it requires vulnerability, It requires honesty.
24:57
Speaker 1: It requires really being open with what you went through
25:00
Speaker 1: and how you feel without character assassinating your partner in
25:04
Speaker 1: the process. So character assassination is when we say you
25:07
Speaker 1: are this, you are that you. Instead, you're focusing on
25:11
Speaker 1: what was the trigger, what was the behavior, what was
25:13
Speaker 1: the cause of this thing? How do we move past that?
25:16
Speaker 1: And if possible, whenever someone can take accountability, great, take
25:20
Speaker 1: the fucking accountability. But in general, that's how we keep
25:24
Speaker 1: our partner feelings safe and secure within a very serious
25:27
Speaker 1: conversation about fixing something in the relationship and repairing it's
25:31
Speaker 1: by not character assassinating and staying specific to the behavior
25:35
Speaker 1: or the external you know, the external stimulus that came
25:39
Speaker 1: in and damaged parts of the relationship. So thank you
25:42
Speaker 1: so much for writing in. Really really appreciate it all
25:46
Speaker 1: everyone that writes in. We've got so many questions that
25:48
Speaker 1: come in all the time. Like I said, we try
25:49
Speaker 1: and get through as many as possible. But I really
25:51
Speaker 1: value the fact that you guys write into me and
25:54
Speaker 1: want to hear my advice or at least want to
25:56
Speaker 1: hear my perspective on your situation. It's really fucking cool
26:00
Speaker 1: and love you guys so much. So as always, remember
26:03
Speaker 1: becind to yourself, becond to your brain, don't take shit
26:05
Speaker 1: from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Don't
26:08
Speaker 1: care