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9 - Her Emotions Are Not A Threat · Masculine Containment

• 0:01
  Brother, I'm going to tell you something about yourself that probably nobody's ever explained to you.
• 0:06
  You have been trained and conditioned to see emotions as a threat.
• 0:12
  And if you don't understand this, it might actually kill your relationship.
• 0:16
  It'll end it or it'll take it to a place where you don't really want it to be.
• 0:19
  Where there's no intimacy and you're roommates and you're disconnected and walking on eggshells.
• 0:23
  And having all types of challenges.
• 0:25
  Here's what I mean by this.
• 0:27
  If you look at your history as a man, you have been told throughout your life, you're being too loud.
• 0:32
  Don't make so much noise.
• 0:33
  Don't cry.
• 0:34
  Don't yell.
• 0:35
  Don't get angry.
• 0:35
  Don't get frustrated.
• 0:36
  Don't make everybody else uncomfortable.
• 0:39
  How many times have you heard this?
• 0:40
  I know for me, it's something I've heard literally hundreds of thousands of times, maybe millions of times in my life.
• 0:47
  It's happened over and over again, especially when I was younger.
• 0:49
  Anything that I did that was not just perfectly baseline normal was usually corrected.
• 0:54
  And so I was trained.
• 0:56
  You were trained.
• 0:57
  We were trained to see emotions as a threat.
• 0:59
  And here's how it's challenging your relationship.
• 1:03
  In your heterosexual relationship with you and your partner...
• 1:07
  When there is a trigger, we see it as a threat.
• 1:11
  So if she's upset, we escalate.
• 1:14
  And when we escalate, she escalates, and then we escalate, and then we get into a place where there's rupture and damage being done.
• 1:20
  And then once there's rupture and we're yelling at each other and we're excited and we're in the storm, we have to create a withdrawal period so we can come back and repair.
• 1:29
  And I put repair in quotation marks because for us as men,
• 1:33
  Repairing actually works.
• 1:35
  We escalate quickly and we come right back down to baseline.
• 1:38
  This is evolutionary biology.
• 1:39
  There's all types of science behind this.
• 1:41
  But there's just as much science showing that women escalate and then stay escalated.
• 1:47
  Their bodies don't return to normal.
• 1:49
  Their bodies don't go back to baseline as quickly as yours and I do.
• 1:53
  And so because we've been trained to see emotions as a threat, we react to our partners in really challenging ways.
• 2:00
  I've been married for 22 years.
• 2:02
  My wife, Katie, is literally the center of my world.
• 2:05
  I love her more than anything.
• 2:07
  From the night I met her at a chance encounter in a restaurant in Largo, Florida, where we were both traveling, I've been head over heels crazy in love with her.
• 2:18
  And here's the challenge that Katie and I had.
• 2:21
  in our relationship, whenever she would have emotions, I would go back into that threat programming and I would do one of four things, all of which are incredibly challenging.
• 2:32
  So the first thing I would do, this might actually feel familiar to you, is she would say, hey, I'm upset about this thing, and I would try and fix it.
• 2:40
  I would tell her, hey, you shouldn't be upset about that, and it's not that big a deal, and you should look at it this way, you should look at it different.
• 2:46
  As soon as I started trying to fix it, I was invalidating her.
• 2:49
  I wasn't hearing her.
• 2:50
  I wasn't understanding what was going on for her.
• 2:52
  As soon as I started to fix it, I turned her into a project, not a person, not someone I was actually listening to.
• 3:00
  And over time, doing that over and over again, whether she consciously understood it or not, her body knew that I was not actually validating her, that she wasn't heard, she wasn't seen, she didn't feel safe.
• 3:13
  That was about the best thing I did.
• 3:15
  Because the second thing I did was when she would have a challenge or an emotion or an issue would come up, I would try and build process around it so it would never happen again.
• 3:24
  And so, again, I'm turning her into a project.
• 3:26
  She'd get emotional and I would say, okay, Katie, well, here's what we need to do so that this never happens again.
• 3:31
  And here's what I'm going to put in place so that this never happens again.
• 3:33
  And here's how we need to fix it so you never get emotional again.
• 3:37
  The solution is not her never getting emotional again.
• 3:40
  The solution is me not seeing her emotions as a threat and me not being leaning into my conditioning and my trauma and my entire life experience that has proved to me that her emotions are a threat.
• 3:51
  The third thing I did, not a very great thing, is I would withdraw.
• 3:56
  I'd walk in the room.
• 3:57
  She was emotional.
• 3:58
  And I would know she was emotional.
• 4:00
  And I wouldn't understand why.
• 4:01
  And I would say, hey, I'll give you some space.
• 4:04
  Or I wouldn't say anything.
• 4:05
  I'd just walk out.
• 4:06
  And I'd think, man, I dodged a bullet there.
• 4:09
  What I didn't know was I was actually abandoning her.
• 4:12
  I wasn't seeing her.
• 4:13
  I wasn't holding her.
• 4:14
  I wasn't feeling her and understanding what was going on for her.
• 4:18
  I was withdrawing, which in an emotional state feels like abandonment for any person.
• 4:23
  But for a woman who's in an emotional state, when we come into the room and we walk out, we become a composite of every man who has ever treated her like a project or built process around her or abandoned her.
• 4:36
  We represent a masculine in her life all the way back to the beginning.
• 4:39
  And when we move in that way and abandon and leave and withdraw, she feels unsafe.
• 4:46
  And the worst thing that I did.
• 4:47
  And it's hard to talk about because what would happen more often than not is
• 4:54
  is my wife would get emotional and there'd be some type of a trigger.
• 4:57
  Then I would get triggered by her emotions.
• 5:00
  And then that me being triggered would cause her to escalate.
• 5:02
  Then I would escalate.
• 5:03
  Then she would escalate.
• 5:03
  Then I would escalate.
• 5:04
  And sometimes I would exceed her emotions.
• 5:05
  Sometimes I would stay with her.
• 5:06
  But either way, her body was registering me as a threat.
• 5:11
  Because she was already emotional.
• 5:13
  And I'm the much larger person in the room.
• 5:16
  I'm stronger.
• 5:17
  I'm more capable of violence.
• 5:18
  I'm more physically capable than her.
• 5:20
  So her nervous system is actually registering me as a real actual threat.
• 5:25
  And the opposite isn't true.
• 5:27
  It's an annoyance.
• 5:28
  It's frustrating.
• 5:29
  It's irritating.
• 5:30
  It's hard to deal with.
• 5:30
  But it's not an actual threat for me.
• 5:34
  And so because I was trained that emotions were unsafe, I was using these four behaviors to deal with emotions near 100% of the time.
• 5:42
  And what would always happen is some type of rupture on her side, whether I knew it or not.
• 5:48
  I now know that.
• 5:50
  I now feel that.
• 5:51
  I've done so much research around this topic over the past few years.
• 5:54
  I took two years off after closing down my business on a sabbatical to just study relationships, to make our relationship better, to understand this.
• 6:04
  And what I found is something that nobody talks about.
• 6:07
  There's this massive power imbalance in heterosexual relationships.
• 6:12
  I've talked to over 100 men in the past few months, and 100% of them confirmed that they are stronger than their spouse, or more physically stronger, more physically capable, and more capable of violence.
• 6:24
  So when I tell them that her nervous system registers our aggression or our acceleration or our escalation as an actual threat, it just lands.
• 6:33
  It's real.
• 6:34
  And the opposite is not true.
• 6:37
  And so because we were trained that emotions are a threat, because we were conditioned that emotions are a threat, we act in these ways that we see everywhere.
• 6:47
  If you watch movies or sitcoms or any type of popular media, we see that pattern of trigger, escalation, rupture, withdraw, and then everything is fine.
• 6:57
  It's like one of the things that is just expected in relationships.
• 7:02
  But there's a better way.
• 7:03
  There's actually a way to stop this completely.
• 7:05
  There's a way to grow through this rather than just react to it.
• 7:08
  There's a way to respond to it with curiosity instead of judgment.
• 7:12
  It's called masculine containment.
• 7:13
  And that does not mean suppressing our emotions.
• 7:16
  This doesn't mean stuffing things down because that never works.
• 7:19
  If we stuff things down, it comes out sideways.
• 7:22
  Anytime we suppress, we are causing central nervous system stimulation for us and it's going to come out somewhere.
• 7:29
  But instead...
• 7:30
  When emotions are present, we need to remind ourselves we are not under threat as men.
• 7:34
  There is no mortal danger in the room.
• 7:37
  And when she gets emotional, rather than accelerating with her, rather than escalating with her, we can breathe.
• 7:44
  We can breathe into our masculine core.
• 7:46
  Breathe into our pelvis.
• 7:47
  Take a deep masculine breath.
• 7:53
  And calm yourself.
• 7:55
  Slow things down.
• 7:56
  Instead of reacting, respond.
• 7:59
  Instead of getting aggressive, ask her questions.
• 8:01
  Lead with curiosity over judgment.
• 8:03
  Stay in the moment with her and understand what's really going on for her.
• 8:07
  Not just because you want to ask questions.
• 8:09
  Ask questions because you really want to get to the bottom of what's happening.
• 8:13
  And if you do that,
• 8:15
  Here's what will happen.
• 8:16
  She'll feel seen.
• 8:18
  She'll feel heard.
• 8:19
  She'll feel safe.
• 8:21
  And she will feel emotional safety and security, which most women have never felt in their lives.
• 8:28
  See, the same way you and I have been treated to see emotions as a threat or conditioned to see emotions as a threat, for women, men are actually a real threat.
• 8:38
  Ourselves included, even if we're in a partnership, even if we're in a marriage like mine.
• 8:43
  And when we're in a marriage and we continue to escalate, we train her nervous system that we are not safe.
• 8:49
  And remember, women don't walk around like us as men.
• 8:52
  Hallways, parking garages, stairwells, those are places where women get scared.
• 8:57
  Standing on an elevator waiting for the next person to come in is an intimidating, sometimes vulnerable event.
• 9:03
  I've had women tell me that when they're in a stairwell in a public place and they hear footsteps above or below them, they actually accelerate and go faster just out of instinct because there might not be safety there.
• 9:14
  For us as men, it's different.
• 9:16
  You probably have never felt scared in a parking garage or a stairwell or an escalator or a long hallway.
• 9:22
  And if you have, maybe it's one or two times.
• 9:25
  For women, it's a constant.
• 9:27
  They either are suppressing that and they don't feel it or they feel it a ton.
• 9:31
  And either way, like I said, when they suppress, it's going to come out sideways in fear and escalation and feeling triggered.
• 9:37
  And so as men, when we actually understand that her emotions are not a threat,
• 9:44
  And we can stay in the moment with her and talk to her and understand her.
• 9:48
  We can bring her towards us.
• 9:50
  We can show her that we're safe.
• 9:53
  And safety is the most important thing for women in a relationship.
• 9:57
  I had a shaman share with me once that first comes safety.
• 10:02
  Then comes comfort.
• 10:03
  Then comes excitement.
• 10:04
  And when he told me that, it felt like a riddle.
• 10:07
  And so I continued to think about it and really understand it.
• 10:10
  And I've been sitting with my wife every day since December 26, 2023, in masculine containment, in listening to her, hearing her, in this exercise of being curious.
• 10:21
  And here's what I can tell you.
• 10:23
  At the beginning, first I created safety.
• 10:25
  Right.
• 10:25
  Then she got comfortable.
• 10:27
  And then the level of excitement and intimacy in our relationship went through the roof.
• 10:31
  Because for women, safety is the biggest aphrodisiac there is.
• 10:36
  When they feel emotionally safe and secure, it changes everything.
• 10:40
  Because for women, during intimacy, they're actually open.
• 10:43
  They have to be open.
• 10:45
  They have to feel safe.
• 10:46
  If they want to enjoy it, if they want to feel pleasure, if they want to be present in the moment with you, safety is how their body actually surrenders.
• 10:54
  And opens and receives you.
• 10:56
  And so if you understand that your conditioning, that emotions are a threat, is just wrong.
• 11:03
  And you create emotional safety and security for your partner, your wife, your girlfriend.
• 11:09
  You will feel seen, heard, and validated in ways that you never have before.
• 11:15
  And the more you do this, the more you learn how to regulate everywhere in your life.
• 11:21
  Take a moment and just think, what would it be like if you were the man that can sit through any level of emotional intensity with your partner and be curious and ask questions and lead her through it and get her to the other side and create safety and security and be the man who calms the storm, not creates it.
• 11:38
  What would your life look like?
• 11:40
  What would your life look like?
• 11:41
  How would it change how you react in the world?
• 11:44
  Here's what I can tell you personally.
• 11:46
  It's helped me regulate, understand myself better.
• 11:49
  and have more capacity for everything that I do in my life.
• 11:53
  Masculine containment has changed me as a relational practice for myself, with my wife, with the entire world around me.
• 12:02
  Remember, the calmest guy in the room wins.
• 12:04
  The calmest person in the room wins.
• 12:06
  Because when you're calm, you're present and you see the opportunities.
• 12:10
  When you're calm, you understand what's going on with everyone in the room.
• 12:13
  When you're calm, you see reality, not projections.
• 12:16
  And when you're calm, intuition and inspiration can actually get through because you're moving slow enough to hear them.
• 12:24
  Remember, you've been conditioned that emotions are a threat, and they're not, especially when they come from your partner.
• 12:32
  They're beautiful.
• 12:33
  They're her being vulnerable.
• 12:34
  They're her letting you into her inside world and expressing the chaos that's going on inside her, but more importantly, getting it out of her body so it can be transmuted and metabolized and shifted, and she could be more present and more connected to you and your relationship.
• 12:49
  Masculine containment has changed my life, and I'm hoping that it changes yours.
• 12:53
  Take a moment and subscribe or leave a comment.
• 12:56
  I would really appreciate it.
• 12:57
  I'm new at this and I'd love to hear what you think.
• 13:00
  Thanks for listening.
• 13:01
  If you're ready to learn more about masculine containment so that you can have more capacity, show a present grounded and aware, be the calmest man in the room who always wins, go to thebrotherhoodsociety.com.
• 13:12
  The Brotherhood is an international organization of men and a society where we learn masculine containment so that we can be better at everything we do and I'd be honored to walk this path with you.
• 13:22
  I'll see you there.