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20 Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Deliberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself, supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce, or reorganizing life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the warrantry people of the Poolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of the podcast.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk you through 20 questions to ask yourself about your divorce or your relationship breakdown, your separation.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: 20 questions to ask yourself so that you can reframe your experience of separation, relationship breakdown, divorce, and use these questions as a prompt to transform your experience into an opportunity for growth, expansion, learning, healing.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Question number one.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Question two.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Without all the what-ifs and I should have's and should not have's, what, if anything, would you do differently if you could go back and do it all again?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: How would you show up differently?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: What would you change?
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Question number three.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: How can I best take care of myself during this healing process?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: How can I best tend to and take care of myself as I move through this healing phase?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not what you think you should be doing, not what everyone else is telling you need you need to be doing or not doing.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: This really at its core is a super simple question.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: How can I best take care of me right now?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: How can I best support and take care of myself in the healing process?
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Question number four.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: What lessons have I learned from this relationship?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: What lessons have I learned from this relationship that I can take with me and apply to or in future relationships?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: And here I'm going to include friendships, intimate partnerships, family relationships, all relationships, right?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because every relationship teaches us something about who we are and how we show up in relationship that we can use in our broader life.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: What have you learned about you, about yourself, about how you operate in relationship with others?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe consider the way this relationship taught you, or what this relationship taught you about trust or vulnerability or communication.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: What have you learned about being in relationship, healthy relationship, unhealthy relationship?
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: What have you learned about connection, communication, conflict?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, there will be learnings.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So what have you learned from this particular relationship that you can apply in your future night in your future relationships?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And side note here, where have you seen these patterns or been offered these learnings in the past?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: Where have you seen these patterns before or previously been offered these learnings?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes it takes a while for us to hear or hear those messages, right?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Where have I seen similar patterns before?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And were what were the previous chances I've had to learn these lessons?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Question number five.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can recall specific moments, specific behaviours that you felt uneasy about but dismissed, minimized, ignored.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe reflect on why these flags went unnoticed, unacknowledged, and how might you pay closer attention to these signals in the future?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Were there flags, red, yellow flags that I overlooked or missed?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Question number six, did I ignore my instincts, my intuition, or push down my own knowing?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is an extension or a deepening of question number five.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Did I repress my intuition, push down my own knowing, ignore my instincts to stay in this relationship, to move this relationship forward, to continue it, or to avoid raising issues when in the relationship?
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: So consider those moments when you might have felt a gut reaction, perhaps a hesitation, a discomfort, but you chose to overlook it because there was choice, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you choose to overlook it?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you set aside your intuition?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: How might you honor that intuition more fully moving forward in future relationships?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Question number seven: what were the good things, the positive parts, positive aspects of this relationship?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: What did I appreciate about this relationship?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's really easy to get stuck in all the terrible, bad, heartbreaking things when a relationship ends, to sort of doom scroll historically that relationship.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: But there are likely things that were good about this relationship, even if only in the very beginning.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Reflecting on what was good, what you appreciated, what attracted you not only to this person but held you in this relationship can really give deep insight into your attachment style, your relationship style, and also what you want more of in future relationships.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what made you feel valued, joyful, or connected in this relationship?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: What were the good things and the positive aspects of this relationship?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Question number eight: what have I learned about my own needs and desires in a partner, in a relationship?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: What have I learned about what I want, what I need, my needs, my desires in a partner and a relationship?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And how can I claim that for myself in healthy, loving ways, self-loving ways, and externally loving ways, right?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Relationship breakdown, divorce often reveals for us what was missing in a relationship, and it can be it can teach you to be more honest with yourself about your needs and wants in a relationship.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual, all the needs, right?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Take time to think about, reflect on what you may, what made you feel seen, valued, loved versus where you felt unheard, unfulfilled.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and then claiming your needs and desires in healthy, loving ways means speaking up, setting boundaries that protect your well-being, being capable of asking for what you want without guilt or fear or shame or any of that.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And in a healthy relationship, this asking, this questioning, this claiming your needs is met with curiosity and respect from the other person.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's about valuing yourself enough to ensure future relationships align with your needs and your desires.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: So, what have I learned about my own needs and desires in a partner in a relationship?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Question number nine: this is a big one.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: How did I handle conflict in this relationship?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: And what changes, if any, do I need to make to navigate conflict more effectively in the future?
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to shift or change, do differently, learn more about to navigate conflict in healthy ways and repair from rupture in future relationships?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: How did I handle conflict in this relationship?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And how am I committing to changing and shifting that in future relationships so I can move through conflict in healthy ways and come to resolution with the other person?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 10.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: What or how did I contribute to the challenges of this relationship?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is an invitation to be really brutally honest with yourself here.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: What specifically or how did I contribute to the challenges or difficulties in this relationship?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, was it communication, was it connection or disconnection, was it about love languages?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: How did you show up in the relationship in ways that perhaps weren't aligned with who you most want to be, your personal values as your best self?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Take a really honest look at the ways your actions, your words, your attitudes, reactions, responses, behaviors, choices may have contributed to the difficulties or the challenges in the relationship.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And remember that asking this question isn't about self-blame or going hard on yourself.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's about being honest and then fostering accountability, bringing awareness and self-accountability.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 11: what did I do well in this relationship?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: What strengths did I bring to the partnership?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, allowing room for the things that you did well, the positive contributions to the relationship, even the way perhaps you handled the separation is really important.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's not helpful to tip completely into either victim or villain mode, but bring a more balanced view of you, of yourself, of how you showed up in the relationship by really looking at what you did well and acknowledging that and even celebrating yourself for it.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: What did I do well in this relationship?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 12.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: What parts of myself, what aspects of me need healing to move forward?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to heal in order to move on from this relationship?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to tend to?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to offer yourself?
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, kindness, compassion, what do you need to bring kindness and compassion to?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: What most needs your loving care to heal and grow into a new version of yourself?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: What needs healing to move forward?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself here, you know, go underneath the pain, right?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um ask yourself where the deepest pain is, you know, what's causing that pain?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: What's underneath it?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a feeling of rejection, a loss of trust?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is it self-blame?
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And offer yourself kindness and compassion in those areas, those things that are underneath the pain.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: You might need to heal emotional wounds, you might need to rebuild your capacity to trust other people, your self-worth, you might need to release anger and resentment, whatever it is.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge what needs tending, what needs healing, and also reminder here that you know your healing isn't going to be straight line, linear journey.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to zigzag through that process, but you know, grieve, be vulnerable, feel fragile as you tend to all of these wounds or these and and and your healing.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, what aspects of myself need healing to move forward?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 13 What can I work on forgiving myself for?
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Here, think about anything that you're holding on to.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Guilt, regret, the what-ifs.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe for you it's feeling responsible for the relationship ending through your actions, choices, decisions.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you wish you'd made different choices, different decisions.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: What can I work on forgiving myself for?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge these things, these feelings without judgment, right?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: You did the best you could with what you knew at the time or you made mistakes.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're human.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Work on forgiving yourself for mistakes, whether it was that you stayed too long, not speaking up, reacting out of hurt, causing harm, um, whatever it is.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Self-forgiveness isn't about excusing your actions, but allowing yourself to release that heaviness, that heavy emotional burden that carrying them and holding on to them creates for us.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's about giving yourself grace and permission to be human, learning from those experiences and allowing yourself the grace to move forward without holding on to those past regrets.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: What can I work on forgiving myself for?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Question 14.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: What's coming for me?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: What are my goals and intentions for the next chapter of my life?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: What is coming for me?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: How do I want life to look and feel in a year, two years, five years' time?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: What's most important for me?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: What are my values?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are my intentions?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want to do or create for myself?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: What are my goals moving forward?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: This can be about how you manage your separation divorce process, it can be about overall life, it can be about future relationships, what are you committing to as you move forward?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: What is coming for you?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: What are you creating for yourself?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 15.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: What am I carrying forward, and what am I consciously choosing to leave behind?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: What lessons, what behaviors, responses, reactions, emotions, thought patterns, attachments to idols, whatever it is, what are you choosing to carry forward and what are you consciously choosing to leave behind?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Divorce, recreating life afterwards, reorganizing life after a separation gets to be a conscious decision.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you didn't choose the divorce or separation, life afterwards gets to be a consciously chosen pathway.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: So what are you consciously choosing to carry with you?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: And what are you putting down?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: What are you leaving behind?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: What are you consciously choosing to leave in the past so that you don't carry it forward into the future?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's real power in consciously choosing what you leave behind.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Question 16.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: If I could revisit one key moment in this relationship, what would it be?
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: And what would I tell myself in that moment?
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And how will this inform how you show up in future relationships?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: There may be one key moment in your relationship that you wish you could revisit.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: There may not be, but if there was one and you could go back and speak with yourself in that moment, knowing what you know now, with the wisdom of learning and hind and hindsight, what would you do or what would you say to yourself?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: Reflecting on this helps you compassionately heal something from the past, yes, but also it helps you change the way you react, respond, behave in the future, how you show up for yourself and for the relationship, for a partner in future relationships.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: So if there was that one key moment that you think about, you play over and over, what would you do?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: What would you do differently?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: What would you tell yourself if you could revisit that moment?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: How would you change it?
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 17.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to understand?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to understand better about myself to then facilitate healing and create positive change for myself and the future that I'm creating?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_00: In all of this reflection, there will be gaps, there will be things you can't see or you don't know, blind spots.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: So get really curious about it, get really really curious about yourself and dig deep to understand yourself better.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Understand your personal drivers.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: What drives your emotions, your behaviors, your choices, your patterns in relationships?
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: What motivates your decisions?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's fear, whether it's a desire for security or need for approval, is it fierce independence for you?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: What whatever they are, what are your personal motivations and drivers about relationships?
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: And what is the ending of this relationship telling me about where I need to shine a light about my self-awareness?
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: Where do I need to expand my thinking and understanding of myself?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 18.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: What do I genuinely want to express?
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: What do I genuinely want to express to my ex-partner?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do I really, really want to say to them?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: What do I really want them to hear?
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: This includes all of it: the good, the bad, the deeply emotional, the sad, the happy, the angry, all of it.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it can be an incredibly cathartic exercise to write it all out.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Every single thing that you've ever wanted to say to them, every single thing that you want them to know, that you want them to hear.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not necessarily advocating sharing it with your ex, but get it out, expunge it.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe you write it out and burn it.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you voice record it if that's your thing, but get it out.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you write, or even if you speak it out, keep going until there's nothing left to write or record.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: What do I really want to say to my partner?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: What do I wish they could hear?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: What do I really want and need them to hear from me, even if you never send it?
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Question 19.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want my children, or if you don't have children, what do I want my future self to learn from this experience or to take from this experience?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: What do I want my kids, my children to remember and understand?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: It may be that you want them to know they can do hard things with grace, with kindness, with love.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: It may be that you want them to learn how to consciously choose themselves, even in the midst of the hardest season, a heartbreaking moment, even when it hurts someone else.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: It may be that you want them to know that it's okay to make hard decisions, or that healing takes time, or that they deserve happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships, and that ending a marriage doesn't have to mean the end of a family.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is for you, what do you want your children to learn, to witness, to experience, to remember, and to understand about this time?
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, question number 20.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: What does my future self need me to do next?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is all about taking action.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's about taking intentional action, small daily intentional steps towards the life you envision for yourself, the life you want to create for yourself.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: What does my future self need me to do next?
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's about trusting.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's about trusting yourself, trusting in your healing, and trusting in the future, which can be hard if you feel like your foundation has been shaken by this separation, relationship breakdown, divorce.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's about trusting in your capacity to do new things.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's about trusting in your future self.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: So what does my future self need me to do next?
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you can reframe, you can reclaim a new version of life for yourself, your new version of yourself.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's about reclamation and liberation, right?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's why the podcast is called what it is.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect, reclaim, liberate.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: I hope these questions have been helpful or will be helpful for you to ponder.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you want them as a download, there's a link in the show notes to access a simple PDF version that you can use as journal prompts or a visual reminder to run yourself through your own answers to these questions over time.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And as we close out today, if you know someone who would be supported to listen to this or to have access to those questions as they either ponder their relationship, break down, consider separation, or are moving through the process and healing from divorce, please.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: I would love it if you could share this episode with them.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: I really value your time.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know you can spend it anywhere you like, and I honour and thank you for spending it here with me.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Until then