Latest / New Manager Conversations with Fexingo: First 90 Days, Managing Former Peers, and Leadership Basics / How New Managers Can Transition from Peer to Manager
Transcript
- Lucas: There's a moment in every new manager's life that doesn't show up in any onboarding deck. It's the Tuesday after you get promoted, and you walk into the break room, and the person you used to complain about the boss with looks at you differently. Luna: That look. I know exactly the one. It's not hostile — it's like they're trying to figure out if you're still you. Lucas: Exactly. And the truth is, you're not. Not entirely. So today I want to talk about the concrete mechanics of that transition — moving from peer to manager. Not the theory, but the actual, sometimes awkward, day-by-day behaviors that make it work or break it. Luna: Give me a specific example. Who are we talking about? Lucas: Let's use a case I've seen play out a few times. A mid-sized SaaS company, about 200 employees. A senior individual contributor on the product team gets promoted to team lead, overseeing four people. Two of them were close colleagues — they'd grab lunch, vent about deadlines, share inside jokes about the CEO's slide decks. One of them was a friendly rival. And one was someone the new manager had actually trained a year earlier. Luna: So the whole range. That's tough. Lucas: It is. And the first mistake a lot of new managers make is trying to be 'the same person' — thinking authority will damage the friendships. They overcorrect. They avoid giving direct feedback, they still vent about the VP over drinks, they let the old peer dynamic bleed into one-on-ones. Luna: And what happens? Lucas: The team gets confused. They don't know who's making decisions. The manager loses credibility with the rest of the org because it looks like they can't run their team. And eventually, the friendships get strained anyway — because the unspoken tension is worse than a clear boundary. Luna: Alright, so what's the fix? Where do you start? Lucas: There's a framework I like called 'the three conversations.' The idea is that, in your first week as a manager, you have three distinct conversations with each direct report who used to be a peer. And you have them in order. Luna: Walk me through them. Lucas: Conversation one is the reset. You sit down — coffee, not a conference room — and you say something like, 'I want to be upfront that this changes things. I still value our relationship, but my job now includes evaluating your work and making calls that affect you. I want to earn your trust in this new role, and I need your help to know when I'm slipping back into old habits.' Luna: That's vulnerable. I like that. What's conversation two? Lucas: Conversation two is about communication. You say, 'When I talk to you about a project, I might sound more direct than before. That's not personal — it's because I have to answer for the team's output. If I ever sound like I'm being bossy, tell me. And if you need to vent about work, I'm still here, but I can't be the person you vent anymore. I can help you solve it, but I can't be in the trenches complaining with you.' Luna: That's the knife twist. That's where friendships get tested. Lucas: It is. But it's also where you become a real leader. Because if you keep venting, you're still acting like a peer — and you're putting your reports in an impossible spot. They can't be honest with you if they think you'll gossip about them. Luna: So conversation three? Lucas: Conversation three is about expectations for the future. You say, 'Here's what I'm going to do differently starting today. I'm going to be clearer about priorities. I'm going to hold you accountable in ways I didn't before. And I'm going to ask you to treat me with the same professionalism you'd show any manager — which means no bad-mouthing the team to each other, no coming to me after hours with gripes you wouldn't bring to the VP.' Luna: It sounds like you're asking them to give up the 'we against them' mentality. Lucas: Exactly. And that's hard. Because that mentality is often what bonded you. But the new 'we' is the team, not the two of you against the org. Luna: Okay, but what about the social stuff? Like, do you still go to happy hour with them? Lucas: You can — but you're never off duty. If you're at happy hour and someone starts complaining about another team member, you can't join in. You have to either redirect or leave. I've seen managers handle this well by setting an explicit rule: 'I'll hang out, but I won't gossip. If that makes me boring, so be it.' Luna: And the friends who can't handle that — they usually self-select out, don't they? Lucas: Sometimes. And it hurts. But I'd rather lose a friendship because I set a boundary than lose the team's trust because I didn't. The good news is, many friendships survive — they just change. You become the friend who's also a mentor. That can be deeper, honestly. Luna: I want to circle back to the feedback piece, because I think that's where most new managers freeze up. How do you give a former peer honest feedback without sounding like you're pulling rank? Lucas: You use the same structure you'd use with anyone: specific, timely, behavioral. But you add a framing line at the front. Something like, 'I'm saying this because I need you to succeed, and I know you want to be great.' That's not manipulation — it's true. You do need them to succeed. Luna: Right, because if they fail, your team fails. Lucas: Exactly. And by anchoring it in shared success, you're not playing the authority card. You're being a partner in their growth. The tricky part is when the feedback is about something that to be acceptable between peers — like a sloppy email or a missed deadline you'd normally cover for. Luna: So you have to call out things you used to let slide. Lucas: Yes. And that's uncomfortable. But I've seen managers do it well by saying, 'Look, I used to let this go because we were equals. But now my job is to make the whole team better, and that means I can't let things slide anymore. I owe you that honesty.' Luna: That actually makes the relationship stronger, doesn't it? Because you're showing you respect them enough to be direct. Lucas: Absolutely. The managers who avoid those conversations end up resentful — they start thinking, 'Why isn't so-and-so stepping up?' And that resentment leaks into everything. The manager who rips the Band-Aid off early earns more respect in the long run. Luna: I want to talk about visibility too. When you're a peer, you're in the trenches. When you're a manager, you have to step back. How do you handle that without looking like you've gone to the dark side? Lucas: You anticipate that perception. You explicitly tell your team, 'My job now is to remove obstacles and advocate for you. I'm not going to be in the details of every ticket, but I'm going to be in every meeting where your work gets discussed. I'll fight for your priorities, but I need you to keep me informed.' Luna: That's a big shift in how you spend your day. Lucas: Massive. The biggest shock for new managers is how much time they spend on communication and politics. One manager I worked with said the first month felt like 80 percent meetings, 10 percent thinking, and 10 percent real work. That's normal. But you have to explain that to your former peers, or they'll think you've checked out. Luna: So you're basically managing expectations on all fronts. Lucas: Exactly. And while we're on the topic of managing expectations — I want to take a quick moment to mention something that keeps shows like this going. A lot of you have asked how to support the podcast without any ads, and the answer is straightforward: a few dollars a month at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. That's what keeps these episodes free and ad-free for everyone. Luna: Honestly, it makes a real difference. Even a couple of coffees a month helps us cover production and keep the conversation going. If you've ever gotten value from an episode — maybe a tip that helped you navigate a tough situation — that's the best way to give back. Lucas: And it's completely voluntary. No pressure. We're grateful for every single person who listens. Alright, back to the transition playbook. Another piece is how you handle team meetings. As a peer, you might have joked around or stayed quiet. As a manager, you set the tone. Luna: So you have to change your meeting behavior too. Lucas: Yes. You can still be warm, but you're the one who starts on time, sets an agenda, and makes sure everyone speaks. If there's a decision, you make it — or you explicitly delegate it. You don't let things hang. That consistency builds trust faster than any speech. Luna: What about when you have to make a call that goes against what your former peer wanted? Lucas: You explain your reasoning. Not to defend yourself, but to show you're using a different set of data now. You say, 'I hear you, and I see why you'd want that. But I'm looking at the roadmap from the VP's perspective, and we need to prioritize X. I want to help you make a case for Y next quarter.' That's honest and respectful. Luna: I think the through line here is transparency. You're not hiding the fact that things are different. Lucas: Exactly. The worst thing you can do is pretend nothing has changed. The team will see through it, and then you lose both your authority and your friendships. Better to be upfront, awkward, and real. That awkwardness fades after a few weeks if you handle it well. Luna: So if someone's listening and they're about to become a manager of former peers, what's the one thing you'd tell them to do in their first week? Lucas: Have the reset conversation. Not the performance review — just the honest conversation about the shift. Do it with each person individually. It's uncomfortable for about fifteen minutes, and then it's done. And you'll be amazed how much easier everything else gets. Luna: I can see that. It's like drawing a line in the sand so everyone knows where they stand. Lucas: Exactly. And once that line is drawn, you can actually start building the team you want. The one where you're the leader — not the old friend, not the boss from above, but the person who has their back and holds them accountable. Luna: That's a good place to leave it. Thanks, Lucas. Lucas: Thanks, Luna. Talk to you next time.