Latest / High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm / The Intimacy God Designed

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The Intimacy God Designed · High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm

• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and we do marriage God's Way here.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: And right now we're talking about our heart in this new series and how the Lord longs for and desires our heart and is inviting us into that deep intimacy with him.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's from that we are then able to overflow into our marriage.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so in the last episode, we talked about does God have your heart?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: But today I want to ask another question because if God is asking for your heart, then why is it so hard to give it?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we guard it or hide it or withdraw?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Why do we build walls around it?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is simple it's fear.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because fear protects and love surrenders.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to be diving into why self-protection is keeping you from oneness.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this isn't the first episode that I've talked about this.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Self-protection robs us from intimacy, it blocks us.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: Self-protection and intimacy cannot coexist.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because once we understand every wall you've ever built around your heart started as protection, then you will begin to understand that what once protected you can actually eventually imprison you.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And God never designed us to live hidden.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go back to Genesis.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: We always go back to Genesis because Genesis has the original design.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Adam and Eve walked with God.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: There was no shame, there was no hiding, no self-protection.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't even have clothes.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: They were naked and unashamed.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Their hearts were completely open before God and before one another.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: But then sin entered.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And what happened immediately?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: They hid.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Fear always hides.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But love always moves toward relationship.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Think of fear as darkness.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: It wants to conceal.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Think of love as light, it reveals.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Every hurt, every betrayal and rejection and disappointment, it teaches the flesh, don't let that happen again, right?
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: That hurt that was painful.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Pain is a very strong and effective teacher.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So we learn to shut down and control, criticize, withdraw, perform people please.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And overall, just avoid vulnerability.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Inside high-level wife, we have a whole lesson on vulnerability and why it is necessary.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: We call all of this wisdom.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's simply self-protection.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then what happens is we bring that into our marriage.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why marriages become exhausting, because it's two people, both wanting to be loved, but both afraid of being hurt.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Both waiting for the other to move first.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of surrender, we negotiate.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of trust, we test.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of vulnerability, we protect.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing: perfect love casts out fear.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: 1 John 4 says, there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Notice what it doesn't say.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't say that your spouse casts out fear.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or if your spouse behaves perfectly, there will be no fear.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or if your spouse never hurts you, there will be no fear.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, it actually says perfect love.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who's perfect love?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's God's perfect love.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: The more secure I become in God's love, the less I have to protect myself.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And this changes marriage because when I know, this is where identity is so important.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: When I know I am chosen, forgiven, secure, loved, held, then I stop approaching my spouse asking, Will you finally prove I'm enough?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can simply love because guess what?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Your spouse cannot prove that you are enough.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you always look at your spouse through that lens, you will always feel like and believe the lie and operate in the navigational system of I am not enough.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing I ever do is enough.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: But when we stop asking that of our spouse and ask that instead of God, we can simply love.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not because we know they won't hurt us, it's because I know God will never leave me.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I will never leave you nor forsake you.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: We know this.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: But the irony is that the walls we build to protect our hearts eventually keep love out because we say, I don't want to get hurt again.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: But we also don't get known.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: We don't get seen.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: We don't experience oneness.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Self-protection and intimacy cannot coexist.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I said that at the beginning of this episode.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I said that I've already done episodes and series on this, but you need to understand that one always drives out the other.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: So it can go well or not, right?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: God invites surrender.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: This doesn't mean becoming naive.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean ignoring wisdom.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't even mean pretending pain never happened, right?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like the forgive and forget.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's not it.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: It means bringing your fear to God first, letting Him become your security.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then choosing courage, not because your spouse is perfect, but because Christ is faithful.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: He is so faithful to us.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: He is so faithful to us.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: God is so good.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: He is so good.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: He is so faithful.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: So let me ask you some practical questions here.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, where do I protect instead of trust?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: What am I afraid would happen if I became fully known?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: What wall have I mistaken for wisdom?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Am I asking my spouse to overcome fears that only God's love can heal?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Am I asking my spouse?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Am I asking my spouse to heal when only God can heal?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Am I expecting my spouse to behave perfectly when there is only one man who is perfect, and that is the Lord.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: The safest marriages are not made up of fearless people.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're made up of two people who continually bring their fears to Christ, who allow his perfect love to soften what pain has hardened, who choose surrender again and again and again.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because love isn't the absence of risk, it's the presence of trust.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, we're going to talk about one of the biggest misunderstandings in marriage: why husbands often feel love through physical intimacy, and why wives often feel safe through emotional connection, and why both are actually pointing to something much deeper than either one realizes.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because underneath every longing is a heart created for God.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want to give you some of these money lines again.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So this is where you listen and pause and write it down so you can think about these things.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Every wall around your heart started as protection, but it may now be preventing the very intimacy you long for.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Self-protection and intimacy cannot coexist.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Fear teaches us to hide.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Love gives us the courage to be known.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: God's perfect love doesn't just comfort your heart, it frees it from having to protect itself.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to find a spouse who never hurts you, it's to become so rooted in Christ that fear no longer controls how you love.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So with that, I'll see you on the next episode.