Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1163 - Beyond Chore Charts: The Simple Secret to Kid Cooperation

Transcript

#1163 - Beyond Chore Charts: The Simple Secret to Kid Cooperation · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: How how how how do you get your kids involved
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  Speaker 1: in household chores? There's a whole bunch of ways to
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  Speaker 1: do it today. The one thing that Kylie and I
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  Speaker 1: think will make the biggest difference this is The Happy
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  Speaker 1: Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions, every day on Australa's most
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  Speaker 1: downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylle coolswhere, the
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  Speaker 1: parents of six kids. I'm the co host and parenting
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  Speaker 1: expert on Channel nine's Parental Guidance, and today we're tackling
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  Speaker 1: the chor chart and our advice. Even talking about the
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  Speaker 1: chor chart feels like a chore. Kylie, our advice, one
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  Speaker 1: slice of advice.
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  Speaker 2: I was about to say, you're sounding a bit exasperated already.
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  Speaker 1: Well, we've tried it. I don't want to sound like
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  Speaker 1: we've tried everything and I'm exasperated. But we've got six kids.
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  Speaker 1: We've been through this for the last twenty five years now,
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  Speaker 1: and we have tried everything, and we just have one
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  Speaker 1: piece of advice today, one piece of advice only. I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to I'm not going to bury the lead. I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to put it right up front. Make contribution fun,
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  Speaker 1: or at least make it meaningful and worthwhile. That's it.
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  Speaker 1: That's the whole podcast. In one sentence, make contribution fun.
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  Speaker 2: Here's the thing. Our kids don't want to feel like
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  Speaker 2: our slaves, and the challenge we have is that, for
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  Speaker 2: the most part, they have no idea what we get
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  Speaker 2: up to all day every day. That's the whole story.
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  Speaker 2: We are the slaves, but they don't know that. And
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  Speaker 2: so when we ask them to do chores and they
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  Speaker 2: see us sitting on our phone or lying down on
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  Speaker 2: the bed reading a book, it feels sorry.
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  Speaker 1: In what parallel university ealing. Maybe they see us on
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  Speaker 1: our laptop or on our phone because we're responding to
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  Speaker 1: an email or we're making a call.
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  Speaker 2: We suggest collect that we will being leisurely. I'm just
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  Speaker 2: saying their perception is we're just on a device, or
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  Speaker 2: you know, we're kind of doing something that's not helping
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  Speaker 2: in any way, shape or form to contribute to the family.
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  Speaker 2: That they feel like they're being hard done by.
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  Speaker 1: So there's a really fascinating bit of psychological work that's
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  Speaker 1: been done over the years. The highlights that we're only
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  Speaker 1: aware of what we're doing. It's very, very, very hard
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  Speaker 1: to be aware of what other people are doing. And
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  Speaker 1: so when you talk to husbands and wives and you
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  Speaker 1: get them to estimate what percentage of the household load
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  Speaker 1: their carrying. Let's say you talk about the cooking. The
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  Speaker 1: husband will say, oh, yeah, I reckon, I do probably.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know ninety five percent.
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  Speaker 1: Oh I was going to say forty or forty five percent,
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  Speaker 1: But mum will say I do ninety percent of the cooking.
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  Speaker 1: That obviously adds up to more than one hundred and well,
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  Speaker 1: that's one hundred and thirty percent. I think I don't
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  Speaker 1: do live mass very well. And yet some nights no
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  Speaker 1: one's cooking dinner and everyone sort of goes, well, what's
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  Speaker 1: going or the cleaning or the washing or whatever. We're
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  Speaker 1: so aware of what we're doing, and we really think
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  Speaker 1: that we're doing it all. And kids are especially susceptible
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  Speaker 1: to this particular bias. I just want to talk about
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  Speaker 1: before we get into the whole make it fun thing.
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  Speaker 1: I want to talk about why the chor chart doesn't work.
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  Speaker 1: We've been through this so many times. We've had the
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  Speaker 1: choor charts up on the wall, we've had them on
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  Speaker 1: the fridge. Sometimes we've tied its pocket money, which has
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  Speaker 1: been disastrous.
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  Speaker 2: It actually just makes our lives harder pretty much. We
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  Speaker 2: have to be keeping them accountable and every step of
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  Speaker 2: the way, and if you don't, then there's no point
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  Speaker 2: having it.
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  Speaker 1: Up correct And then when you start to keep the
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  Speaker 1: kids accountable, they haven't done the chore because what chores
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  Speaker 1: sound like hard work. Chores are definitely not fun. There
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  Speaker 1: are other things that they'd like to do.
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  Speaker 2: So your friends get paid if they do.
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  Speaker 1: True, whatever happens, the kids begin with the conflict. The
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  Speaker 1: resistance force creates resistance, and chore charts are a form
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  Speaker 1: of I'm going to say, do kids need to contribute? Absolutely? Yes.
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  Speaker 1: Do you think that they should be allowed to get
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  Speaker 1: away with not participating at all? No way, Jose. They
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  Speaker 1: absolutely need to contribute. But chore charts are a specific
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  Speaker 1: and unfortunate form of torture. It just makes things super
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  Speaker 1: super hard. So we're not big on chor charts. We're
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  Speaker 1: also not big on paying the kids for chores.
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  Speaker 2: Unless we believe in slave labor, because we believe in contribution,
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  Speaker 2: unless they're big tasks that go beyond the ordinary cleaning
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  Speaker 2: the dishes or hanging the washing or tidy in your room.
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  Speaker 1: But let's go through some ideas to make chores. I
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  Speaker 1: don't even like the word chores, like I said, but
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  Speaker 1: let's go through some some ideas to make chores and
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  Speaker 1: contribution and having responsibility in the home fun.
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  Speaker 2: The first one's my favorite, yeah, and we've had so
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  Speaker 2: much success with this over the years. We still do
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  Speaker 2: it with our teenage and adults children when they're in
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  Speaker 2: the house. It's called the ten minute tidy. Yeah, ten
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  Speaker 2: minute tidy.
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  Speaker 1: That's exactly what it sounds like, that ten minutes of tidy.
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  Speaker 2: But we love music in our home, and so we
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  Speaker 2: utilize music to keep every body motivated. So three of
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  Speaker 2: your favorite songs, pump them up really loud, and it's
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  Speaker 2: a race against the clock. Once the end of that
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  Speaker 2: third song finishes, cleaning's done. So you're literally getting the
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  Speaker 2: most important jobs done, and you're all doing it together.
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  Speaker 1: If the kids are sneaky, they'll work out that three songs.
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  Speaker 1: You can find some really short songs, so it's got
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  Speaker 1: to be three standard length songs. Every how, dude, Every
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  Speaker 1: now and again, I get a bit sneak, Yes, one
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  Speaker 1: of my favorite long plays or something like that. But
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  Speaker 1: here's the thing. You're all together. You've got a meaningful
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  Speaker 1: joint agreed upon purpose, and you're going to get as
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  Speaker 1: much done as you can in ten minutes, and then
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  Speaker 1: you've got a definite stop time. It's really importantly on
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  Speaker 1: the stop and I struggle with this sometimes I'm like, oh,
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  Speaker 1: but if we just do another two minutes, we can
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  Speaker 1: finish this and this, And that's what gets everyone upset.
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  Speaker 2: You know, I've noticed you've been working really hard on it,
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  Speaker 2: because the other day we were out doing our ten
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  Speaker 2: minute weeding and we were so close. There was literally
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  Speaker 2: one patch left right in the corner the entire part
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  Speaker 2: of the garden that we've been working on, and you said,
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  Speaker 2: we've done a ten minutes, let's walk away. And I
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  Speaker 2: was struggling with it so much.
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  Speaker 1: The weeds are still there because we've gone to a
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  Speaker 1: different part of the guten. It's driving me crazy. But
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  Speaker 1: it's a ten minute tidy and it's incredible what you
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  Speaker 1: can accomplish when everyone's on board. Everyone's having fun, and
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  Speaker 1: here's the key thing. It's about being together. The music's
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  Speaker 1: cranking and everyone's just enjoyed doing the work.
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  Speaker 2: So if you've got older kids and they are actually
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  Speaker 2: happy to contribute, then you might even take away the
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  Speaker 2: ten minute tidy. But the key is music. The key
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  Speaker 2: is music. Our girls love playing different music games together
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  Speaker 2: while they're cleaning, and they will sing at the top
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  Speaker 2: of their lungs for half an hour.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, they play this game called word association, and they'll
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  Speaker 1: literally just come up with the word and then they've
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  Speaker 1: got to sing.
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  Speaker 2: It might be love, or it might be travel, or
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  Speaker 2: it might be breakup, or it might be boyfriend or
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  Speaker 2: any number of names.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. The other day we did dreams, and there are
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  Speaker 1: so many great songs with the word dream in that
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  Speaker 1: I join in the games, like I want to stay
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  Speaker 1: in the kitchen and keep on cleaning so we can
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  Speaker 1: keep the game going. And I love playing the game
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  Speaker 1: because I love music and I know so many songs. Gol.
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  Speaker 1: There has to be radio antcess. I always win the game.
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  Speaker 1: We Actually I don't anymore. This is the annoying thing.
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  Speaker 1: They're getting too good at it, and they're prepping. I
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  Speaker 1: think they're they're great. I think they're doing homework before,
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  Speaker 1: like they're like, let's do this word because we've just
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  Speaker 1: googled four hundred songs with that. Anyway, togetherness music and
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  Speaker 1: playing games, so I guess that's sort of that's two
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  Speaker 1: maybe three ways that you can make it fun after
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  Speaker 1: the break. Another couple of ways that you can make
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  Speaker 1: chores fun so that the kids are desperate, are dying
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  Speaker 1: to get in there and help you to make the
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  Speaker 1: house clean and to get stuff done. A slice of
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  Speaker 1: advice today on how we can make contribution fun or meaningful,
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  Speaker 1: because our kids don't want to feel like our slaves,
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  Speaker 1: but they do need to contribute and participate in making
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  Speaker 1: the house function and work.
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  Speaker 2: Our next one is make it a race. So we've
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  Speaker 2: talked about racing against the music, but now we're actually
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  Speaker 2: racing against each other.
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  Speaker 1: And if our girls, they're a little bit competitive, but
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  Speaker 1: if you have boys, my goodness, my goodness, they'll just
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  Speaker 1: eat this up. Here's the problem when you make it
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  Speaker 1: a race. The quality of the workmanship is not always
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  Speaker 1: quite where you need it to be. The dishes might
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  Speaker 1: not be exactly clean, the lawn might have some long
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  Speaker 1: patches that were missed. The garden might still have all
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  Speaker 1: of the roots in because they just rip the top
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  Speaker 1: off the weeds. So make it a raise comes with risks.
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  Speaker 2: With everything, you need to have some kind of ground rules.
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  Speaker 2: And so if you're going to go with let's make
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  Speaker 2: it a race and give everybody their own space to
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  Speaker 2: work with. You need to obviously acknowledge that then there's
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  Speaker 2: a minimum quality that's required in order for this to
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  Speaker 2: actually work.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's kind of like I'll race you to brush
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  Speaker 1: our teeth. We each have to do it for two minutes.
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  Speaker 1: Ready set, God, it doesn't work, and yet it's still fun.
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  Speaker 1: So there's that one. I guess another way of building
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  Speaker 1: it up is just having I.
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  Speaker 2: Can get the toothbrush in my mouth faster than you.
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  Speaker 1: Having fun with something like a mission impossible. So this
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  Speaker 1: is where you give the kids a challenge and you say,
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  Speaker 1: I think this one is a mission impossible task for you,
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  Speaker 1: but I'd be really interested to see how you go
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  Speaker 1: every single one of these. It makes it fun. But
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  Speaker 1: you know what makes it the most fun, you know,
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  Speaker 1: the thing that they all have in common.
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  Speaker 2: We're together.
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  Speaker 1: It's togetherness. Yeah, it's about involvement. There was a weekend
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  Speaker 1: one time when I was out raking some leaves in
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  Speaker 1: the garden and I just thought, the kids are sitting
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  Speaker 1: on their backsides doing nothing. They can come out and help.
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  Speaker 1: I'm working so hard for this family and this just
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  Speaker 1: doesn't seem right, doesn't seem fair. So I walked into
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  Speaker 1: the house and I called out to Emily and Lily,
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  Speaker 1: our thirteen year old and nine year old at the time,
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  Speaker 1: and I said, girls, come and help me rak some leaves.
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  Speaker 1: I'd really love your help. And they both looked at me,
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  Speaker 1: rolled their eyes and said we hate wreaking leaves, which
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  Speaker 1: was really funny because they've never done it and they
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't know. I just shrugged and said, I'd love your help,
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  Speaker 1: and I think it would be appropriate that you come
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  Speaker 1: and give me a hand. It's contribution time. I'll be
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  Speaker 1: outside in the garden waiting for you, and I turned
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  Speaker 1: around and walked out. Now fortunately they were not watching
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  Speaker 1: a screen. Had they been watching a screen, I would
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  Speaker 1: have lost them, but they were doing something else, and
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  Speaker 1: they did. They came out sullenly, almost unw willingly, and
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  Speaker 1: as I raked the leaves, they got involved in picking
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  Speaker 1: up the leaves putting in the bin, and then Emily said,
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  Speaker 1: can I please rake instead? And we ended up spending
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  Speaker 1: instead of three or four minutes that I thought, we
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  Speaker 1: would spend about twenty twenty five minutes doing a great
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  Speaker 1: big garden tidy up because they were willing to be involved.
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  Speaker 1: Did I make it fun, Yeah, a little bit, but
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  Speaker 1: mostly we just spent the time together and that was
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  Speaker 1: what it took to get them making a contribution.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I did say earlier that you are working on
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  Speaker 2: keeping to a time frame.
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  Speaker 1: I'm working on it. That's our slice of advice. There
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  Speaker 1: is one bonus idea that I want to throw in
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  Speaker 1: though I know we're only supposed to share one slice
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  Speaker 1: of advice, but we're making this a sandwich. There's two
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  Speaker 1: pieces of bread in this advice sandwich. The bonus idea
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  Speaker 1: is this. Chores is an outdated word. I think it's
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  Speaker 1: an awful word. It's a word, as you highlighted at
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  Speaker 1: the beginning, that makes you feel burdened. It feels like
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  Speaker 1: this is not going to be fun. This is not
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  Speaker 1: something that I would choose to do. This is something
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  Speaker 1: that is being placed on my shoulders and I now
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  Speaker 1: have to carry it. And I think we can do better.
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  Speaker 1: Chores makes things sound like a chore. Now. I know
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  Speaker 1: some people like the idea of saying, well, you've got
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  Speaker 1: responsibilities for me.
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  Speaker 2: That sounds heavy too.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like that sounds heavy as well. Is it
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  Speaker 1: true that there are chores in life? Yes? Is it
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  Speaker 1: true that we have responsibilities in life. Yes, do we
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  Speaker 1: need to protect our children from that reality? No? But
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  Speaker 1: if I want my children to do something that is
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  Speaker 1: just not that pleasant, I think the best way to
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  Speaker 1: do it is to give them some autonomy and say
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  Speaker 1: we're going to need some help in the next little while.
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  Speaker 1: How would you like to contribute? Sometimes just giving them
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  Speaker 1: the option. Sometimes just asking them how they would like
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  Speaker 1: to contribute makes it feel like it's a their choice
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  Speaker 1: and be a lot more fun than it would be
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  Speaker 1: if we just told them what to do. So that
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: is our slice of advice on getting the kids tackling chores,
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: or perhaps a better way to say it is helping
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  Speaker 1: the kids to make a contribution in the home. The
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 12:03
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  Speaker 1: your day to spend it with us and have a listen.
• 12:09
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• 12:11
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• 12:14
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• 12:16
  Speaker 1: your family happier, you can visit us for more at
• 12:18
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