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Embracing Imperfect Parenting: Mindful Strategies for Genuine Connection and Healing with Anastasia Arauz · The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

• 0:00
  Anastasia: Put the phones down.
• 0:00
  Anastasia: I go back to the phone every time because it's such a thing that we're all so highly addicted to and be present and be okay with just the time that's happening.
• 0:11
  Anastasia: Don't feel like you have to rush.
• 0:13
  Anastasia: Don't feel like you have to be the perfect mom or the perfect dad.
• 0:16
  Anastasia: Take care of yourself, like we were talking about the self-care.
• 0:19
  Anastasia: Know what you need emotionally, if you need, if you realize that your emotions are not exactly where they need to be figure out what that's all about Like start to understand yourself better.
• 0:31
  Anastasia: The better we can understand ourselves, the better parent we're going to be.
• 0:36
  Anastasia: And as we were growing up.
• 0:37
  Anastasia: I don't think our parents really ever thought about that, and so we don't have to be in that fight flight anymore.
• 0:43
  Anastasia: We can, especially if we're think with the little ones.
• 0:46
  Anastasia: If you can be out of that fight flight part of your brain, it's going to do wonders for your children.
• 0:52
  Anastasia: And so that's really my thought is to slow down, put the phone down, be present and just know what you need as a person too sent to you, hi, conscious Parents.
• 1:06
  Carrie: It's Keri here, and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids.
• 1:09
  Carrie: I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that along the way.
• 1:14
  Carrie: Join us Hi there and welcome back.
• 1:16
  Carrie: It's Keri, your friendly, conscious mama, here, and I have a wonderful guest, anastasia Aruz, here today.
• 1:24
  Carrie: She has this background of 20 years of education and counseling, working as an educator and working as a counselor, and I love that.
• 1:33
  Carrie: She's focusing on the balanced pieces of healthy mindsets.
• 1:38
  Carrie: She helps moms foster strong, resilient family systems, which is, oh, a huge passion for me, a huge passion project for me this year, and I'm so excited to have you here today, anastasia.
• 1:49
  Carrie: Thanks so much for joining us.
• 1:51
  Anastasia: Thank you so much for having me.
• 1:52
  Anastasia: I'm glad to be here, Keri.
• 1:53
  Anastasia: Thank you.
• 1:54
  Carrie: Yeah, I wanted to jump right in.
• 1:57
  Carrie: I feel like we are living in a busy mom era, busy dad era, busy parent era just a busy world in general also, and there has been this buzzword it's all over social media.
• 2:09
  Carrie: I feel like self-care is this new buzzword I always love to talk about.
• 2:14
  Carrie: For self-care for me, I have to make sure that I am being mindful in that I am truly using that time to really connect with myself.
• 2:24
  Carrie: I'm not just in the process, in the motions, but truly focusing on getting that re-energizing and connecting with myself.
• 2:32
  Carrie: Is there anything that you would share with the mind or the self-care piece for us?
• 2:37
  Anastasia: Yeah, of course Self-care is so important and I think it gets thrown around, like you said, all the time on social media and articles and all the things right now, and I I think sometimes it's harder to actually do it than we realize because we are so busy, like you said, and so what I talk to my families a lot about is really setting a time aside and sticking to that self-care piece, not on your phone.
• 3:03
  Anastasia: I think we all get so distracted with the phone and we think even sitting down with the phone and just scrolling is self-care.
• 3:09
  Anastasia: But it's not.
• 3:09
  Anastasia: Self-care is really getting in touch with that inner guidance system that you have, getting grounded, whether it's exercise, taking a walk or reading something that brings you joy, that gets you away from all the external, that puts more of it in the internal and what you as your person really enjoys and makes you feel good.
• 3:31
  Carrie: Yeah, I love that.
• 3:33
  Carrie: My husband and I, when we first had kids, we thought we all had to be together all the time, doing everything together, and it only took a few months till we realized, oh wait a minute, I cannot be my whole self, I cannot be present for my sensitive baby when I am just always inundated with all of the mom things.
• 3:53
  Carrie: So I love that, yeah.
• 3:55
  Anastasia: And it becomes so overstimulated.
• 3:57
  Anastasia: And it's funny you said people think like you thought you had to do everything together, and I work with families that think that all the time and it's not their fault.
• 4:04
  Anastasia: I just think that you get a picture in your mind and, like I, have an example of a family that they love to go to Walmart together but it's not fun, it's not enjoyable, because the kids are running and somebody's yelling, and so I'm like you don't have to do that, you don't all have to go together.
• 4:20
  Anastasia: One person could stay home or just take one child, and it's this light bulb moment of oh, you're right.
• 4:24
  Anastasia: But I think we get stuck in these like things that we should do or what we think is the right thing and it can be changed and that's okay.
• 4:33
  Carrie: Yeah, yeah, I love that, and even also the the mindset piece my husband and I.
• 4:39
  Carrie: We didn't have time for our self-care this weekend, but I ended up bringing the little one and going on the Cub Scout hike with my husband and our nine-year-old.
• 4:48
  Carrie: He was taking the third graders out, he's the den leader, and so it was wonderful.
• 4:53
  Carrie: Even though I didn't get my one-on-one time with myself this weekend, we had time where we could get out into nature.
• 4:58
  Carrie: We could be mindful and present during those times, trying to find that time, too, for ourselves.
• 5:06
  Anastasia: It's hard, but I think the nature piece is so big.
• 5:09
  Anastasia: Even just getting out in nature, you're with your family, but you're still touching the grass.
• 5:13
  Anastasia: Touching grass, as my son says.
• 5:14
  Anastasia: You're outside, you're doing that.
• 5:17
  Anastasia: It's good, so good for the body.
• 5:19
  Carrie: Yeah, I love that.
• 5:20
  Carrie: And lately, another buzzword I feel is the positive parenting piece.
• 5:25
  Carrie: I've noticed there's a lot of people that are really wanting to be conscious in their parenting.
• 5:31
  Carrie: We're wanting to change the idea of the traditional parenting we may have grown up with.
• 5:36
  Carrie: I have a six-year-old and a nine-year-old right now, so I'm in that era the elementary education area and I was thinking about establishing boundaries.
• 5:45
  Carrie: What do you tell parents with that piece?
• 5:49
  Anastasia: It's important, it's hard sometimes, and it's hard because I think a lot of us were parented in that very authoritative or authoritarian parenting where you were told what to do and you either did it or you were getting a spanking or you were getting grounded.
• 6:04
  Anastasia: And so I think now we're just not doing it that way and kids don't respond that way either.
• 6:10
  Anastasia: As much as we try to do that, they're not going to respond in the same way we did.
• 6:14
  Anastasia: So really giving yourself grace as a parent of when you either go backward and do what your parent did or you didn't set the boundaries strict enough to give yourself grace.
• 6:26
  Anastasia: I always tell parents and then also, once you do figure it out and you figure out what works for yourself and with your family, to be consistent.
• 6:34
  Anastasia: If you're not consistent with the type of boundaries you want to set as a family, it's never going to work, because kids need consistency.
• 6:41
  Anastasia: And so if you decide that, say, there's no phones at the table at dinner or no phones at the table when you're having breakfast, sticking to that boundary and that is everybody, including parents, sticking to that and being consistent.
• 6:55
  Anastasia: If it's just kids sticking to it and being consistent, and because once you establish that your kids know what it is and if you go back on it it's very confusing to them and they don't understand.
• 7:06
  Anastasia: And then they're not going to stick to the boundary, they're not going to be feel like they have to or that it's what's expected going to be, feel like they have to or that it's what's expected.
• 7:17
  Carrie: Yeah, I love that you touch on boundaries, because I feel like so many people are jumping into positive parenting era.
• 7:21
  Carrie: We're not totally sure there's not that piece that's touched on about the boundaries and adhering to them and what that looks like.
• 7:28
  Anastasia: So I love that yeah, and it's hard, and I think too, not.
• 7:31
  Anastasia: One of the other big things I talk about is say you do set a boundary of something where you're doing a punishment or a consequence.
• 7:39
  Anastasia: It doesn't have to be like all night in the bedroom or no TV for a week or no gaming for the weekend.
• 7:48
  Anastasia: You can make it small increments because they're a little kid and you have children and so in their mind one hour is huge.
• 7:54
  Anastasia: So I think a lot of us sometimes go to those huge consequences.
• 7:58
  Anastasia: We can make them much tinier no hour.
• 8:01
  Anastasia: You do not get fortnight after school today for an hour, and so they understand that much more and can relate to that much more than you don't get fortnight for the whole week, which that is just so big to them and they might not.
• 8:12
  Anastasia: They're not going to respond to it in a way that's going to really work probably.
• 8:16
  Carrie: Yeah, I love that.
• 8:17
  Carrie: I think when we're trying to understand those boundaries and how much to take away, it definitely is dependent on their age set.
• 8:25
  Carrie: With my nine-year-old sometimes I say, now you have a consequence.
• 8:30
  Carrie: And I ask him what do you think your consequence should be?
• 8:33
  Carrie: And that's been a good one lately to let him help me decide, and yeah, what he thinks he needs at that point.
• 8:42
  Anastasia: Yeah, it's great and I think I've done that too and when you start that, when they're younger, they then start to understand decision-making, responsibility, connecting with you and having those conversations, and so it's not like you're the parent over them saying you're in trouble and you're going to.
• 8:57
  Anastasia: It's more of the partnership and you're still the parent and you're still going to offer guidance, but you're also starting to teach them how they can guide themselves and how they can help figure it out too, because you're a system working together.
• 9:08
  Carrie: Yes, I love that, and I think you mentioned connection, which is such a important piece with the positive parenting era and all of these pieces and what?
• 9:19
  Carrie: What does mindful communication and connection look like?
• 9:24
  Anastasia: It can look so different for all of us, and I think each family is going to do it differently, and so each partner to, whether your husband or your wife, everybody's going to connect in a different way.
• 9:36
  Anastasia: And I think, with that just being accepting of it, and with the connection, you really have to be present.
• 9:42
  Anastasia: You've got to put the phone down I talk about the phone a lot because I think so many of us are distracted and with connection, you have to be present and focused on whoever you're talking to, whether it's your child or your partner, and you can feel it.
• 9:59
  Anastasia: You'll feel that presence, you'll feel that communication authentically whenever you're in that present moment.
• 10:03
  Carrie: I love that you mentioned the cell phones, I think.
• 10:07
  Carrie: I go to restaurants and I see families with every person in the family on a device at a restaurant.
• 10:13
  Carrie: It bums me out.
• 10:15
  Carrie: We went to have sushi, we had food planned and we were like that's it, mom and dad need a break.
• 10:21
  Carrie: So we're going to have sushi this weekend and our giant sushi boat which came out to the table.
• 10:26
  Carrie: It was very embarrassing because we did order a lot of sushi.
• 10:28
  Carrie: My two kids love their tuna rolls but, yeah, that was a mindful moment in our weekend.
• 10:34
  Carrie: We didn't get our self-care but looking back, my husband and I said, oh, that Cub Scout hike.
• 10:39
  Carrie: We were out in nature and our connection time at sushi, when we were laughing about this giant boat how embarrassing it was and teaching our kids to slow down and just inhaling their sushi.
• 10:48
  Carrie: These mindful pieces slow down and just inhaling their sushi these mindful pieces that's moments of connection and that's modeling to our kids how we can wait for our food, how we can be present together.
• 11:07
  Anastasia: I love that when you talk about that, and what's really good is what you did also is you didn't cook right.
• 11:10
  Anastasia: You knew you didn't have the capacity to do that and you knew to do something that would serve you, your spouse and your kids, and so you were able to put a boundary for yourself and be like we're not doing that right now we're going to go out, which then served everybody in a really positive way.
• 11:23
  Carrie: I think it's a great example.
• 11:24
  Carrie: Yeah, it's mom and dad reading our energy levels and seeing where we're.
• 11:30
  Carrie: At Saturday we had to take them to take the them to get their flu shots.
• 11:34
  Carrie: And I have the gifted spirited, highly sensitive children, and so getting our flu shots it's a big energy zapper in our house.
• 11:43
  Carrie: It's a huge commitment.
• 11:45
  Carrie: It takes both parents going.
• 11:46
  Carrie: I'm like I'm sorry, husband, I can't do this on my own.
• 11:49
  Carrie: I need your help.
• 11:49
  Carrie: And then, just understanding where our energy levels that took so much out of everyone in our family.
• 11:54
  Carrie: I was like, okay, I don't have the energy to cook, you don't have the energy to cook.
• 11:58
  Carrie: This is the moment where, yeah, throw in that flag and just go.
• 12:03
  Anastasia: Perfect, that's perfect and that's what made your system then that work in a good way, and you're able to even teach in the moments of slowing down.
• 12:09
  Anastasia: Eat your sushi slowly my son loves sushi too and they will inhale it.
• 12:15
  Carrie: Yeah, yeah, it was really special.
• 12:17
  Carrie: So I can't imagine if we were in our devices what that would look like.
• 12:22
  Carrie: So, yeah, that having that moment, having that connection my husband also and talking about those connections and that communication with our kids, we, we love to meet our kids where they're at, we love to find what they're interested in, and I know my husband recently was looking for how do I connect with our daughter, our son is so easy for him because it's Legos, model trains.
• 12:45
  Carrie: He understands what he's into.
• 12:46
  Carrie: So it really helps when we can find things to connect with our kids.
• 12:52
  Carrie: Sometimes a six-year-old isn't going to say, necessarily, dad, I really want to decorate this fairy house.
• 12:58
  Carrie: So we went to Michael's, we chose a fairy house and we decorated it and we put it outside and that was something she was into and she connect with mom and dad, and so it was really special.
• 13:09
  Anastasia: Oh, that's really nice, that's really good.
• 13:10
  Anastasia: And I think too, developmentally they're gonna change so much and so sometimes some dads aren't gonna be able to really feel that connection as much when they're little.
• 13:20
  Anastasia: But whenever the girls or the boys get older, there are so many moments that just happen organically where that piece comes in, where that dad moment is so important.
• 13:30
  Anastasia: And I see that a lot with the dads when they're little or it's harder for them.
• 13:34
  Anastasia: And I don't know if I'm saying that in a way that's like just generally speaking, but I notice more with moms that we're the ones that are the caretakers, we're the ones that are picking them up when they fall.
• 13:49
  Anastasia: And then as kids get older, I really see that dad presence coming in so much more in a different way, where they're communicating and feeling like they can understand the child better.
• 14:01
  Carrie: That makes sense feeling like they can understand the child better.
• 14:04
  Carrie: That makes sense, yeah yeah, and, as you mentioned, with the energy level too, it's monitoring our own energy as a parent.
• 14:11
  Carrie: Finding am I in the mood right now.
• 14:12
  Anastasia: Am I?
• 14:12
  Carrie: energetically available, where I can sit and play Legos with my kiddo or sit and do build model train houses.
• 14:21
  Carrie: Am I in that mood?
• 14:22
  Carrie: So yeah, monitoring ourselves too.
• 14:25
  Anastasia: And if you're not, it's okay, it's okay If you're not, we don't always have to be on in that way.
• 14:32
  Carrie: That's great.
• 14:33
  Carrie: I love that.
• 14:34
  Carrie: Yeah, sometimes they do need to give that self-compassion of.
• 14:37
  Carrie: It's okay to have to clean the house, it's okay to have these moments where you are able to sit down and completely focus on them, or have to cook dinner and tell your kiddo to bring her Barbies into the kitchen and sit so she can be near you, but also you have to do your thing.
• 14:55
  Anastasia: Yeah, cause we have.
• 14:56
  Anastasia: We're humans too, and so we all have our own individual things we have to do.
• 15:00
  Anastasia: So that's perfect.
• 15:00
  Anastasia: Yes, exactly.
• 15:02
  Carrie: Yeah, okay, if you so.
• 15:05
  Carrie: You mentioned you have older kids.
• 15:06
  Carrie: If you were raising kids like I have a six and a nine-year-old in this era busy era, sometimes challenging to have times for connection what would you tell parents raising elementary age younger kiddos right now?
• 15:21
  Anastasia: Put the phones down.
• 15:21
  Anastasia: I go back to the phone every time because it's such a thing that we're all so highly addicted to and be present and be okay with just the time that's happening.
• 15:33
  Anastasia: Don't feel like you have to rush.
• 15:34
  Anastasia: Don't feel like you have to be the perfect mom or the perfect dad.
• 15:38
  Anastasia: Take care of yourself.
• 15:39
  Anastasia: Like we were talking about the self-care.
• 15:41
  Anastasia: Know what you need emotionally.
• 15:43
  Anastasia: What you need emotionally if you need, if you realize that your emotions are not exactly where they need to be.
• 15:49
  Anastasia: Figure out what that's all about.
• 15:50
  Carrie: Like start to understand yourself better.
• 15:53
  Anastasia: The better we can understand ourselves, the better parent we're going to be and as we were growing up.
• 15:59
  Anastasia: I don't think our parents really ever thought about that, and so we don't have to be in that fight flight anymore.
• 16:05
  Anastasia: We can, especially if we're think with the little ones.
• 16:07
  Anastasia: If you can be out of that fight flight part of your brain, it's going to do wonders for your children.
• 16:13
  Anastasia: And so that's really my thought is to slow down, put the phone down, be present and just know what you need as a person too.
• 16:23
  Carrie: Yeah, speaking of how we were raised in, like the more traditional versions, possibly there is this other piece that a lot of people are talking about.
• 16:33
  Carrie: As we're changing and we're becoming more conscious in our parenting, we talk a lot about generational trauma.
• 16:39
  Carrie: What are your thoughts on that piece?
• 16:42
  Anastasia: I think that's such a huge thing and it can come into play in so many ways from serious trauma to little, what we would think is little traumas.
• 16:53
  Anastasia: But, my thoughts are things are not addressed that needed to be addressed when you were a child or say, for example, abuse is something that was in your family and your parents abused you in a way that was physically or verbally or sexually.
• 17:09
  Anastasia: If that is not addressed, it's just going to continue.
• 17:12
  Anastasia: So those kind of things, you have to address them and that's what's going to stop the generational change.
• 17:16
  Anastasia: That's what's going to stop it generationally, because probably, if you were abused, your parents probably were abused and they were before that, and that it's just the way they would discipline or a way of the family system.
• 17:28
  Anastasia: But it can all be changed.
• 17:30
  Anastasia: It just has to.
• 17:31
  Anastasia: Every generation can change it.
• 17:33
  Anastasia: But you have to put steps in place to do that, with either coaching or therapy or just figuring out exactly what it is that you need to make the change as a parent.
• 17:46
  Carrie: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:47
  Carrie: That's so wonderful, I feel, as I'm parenting and my kids are going through these different eras, these different pieces in their childhood.
• 17:54
  Carrie: It definitely can bring up more pieces of things that we may have forgotten and things that we need to heal.
• 18:01
  Anastasia: Yeah, and I think the healing as it's huge and even for me and my family was very traditional, like we've been talking about, and the way my mom would talk to us or just she was like the dictator of it away I catch myself even stating things as much practice as I have with working with parents, being in a therapist my husband will catch me.
• 18:21
  Anastasia: He's what are you?
• 18:22
  Anastasia: I'm like.
• 18:22
  Anastasia: I know it's so ingrained in my head from the way my mom spoke to me and I have to be like all right, and then I'll go back and I'll repair it with my son.
• 18:30
  Carrie: I'll be like I'm so sorry, I should have never told you said that to you like that.
• 18:33
  Anastasia: That was completely inappropriate and I'm sorry.
• 18:36
  Anastasia: So I think that's a big piece too, that if we do catch ourselves saying things or doing things, to have that repair and tell your child you're sorry and be like you know what that was wrong.
• 18:47
  Anastasia: I should have done it differently.
• 18:49
  Carrie: Yes, we've been working on that a lot in our family.
• 18:52
  Carrie: Oh good, yeah, sometimes it can be just like the tone in our voice too, where it can have that condescending, judgmental, shameful tone and it can be hard to miss.
• 19:04
  Carrie: So it does sometimes take the other person, the other parent, to pull that out.
• 19:09
  Anastasia: Yeah, yeah, cause we don't realize.
• 19:11
  Anastasia: I'll be like, oh my, I didn't realize, I even did that, and he's, he did.
• 19:14
  Anastasia: So yeah, the shame is what I think my mom did a lot of that with us and I can hear it in my voice and now I notice it more and I've really the past couple of years I'm working on that.
• 19:27
  Carrie: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:28
  Carrie: I think that's wonderful that all of our community is moving into that piece, because shame is a huge one.
• 19:34
  Carrie: I, when you go to the dentist, you even have that shame piece.
• 19:38
  Carrie: When they're like, do you floss, are you flossing?
• 19:40
  Carrie: You're like, oh gosh.
• 19:45
  Carrie: So you know you end up not wanting to go to the dentist.
• 19:46
  Carrie: Or you have that feeling like, oh God, they're going to ask the floss question and they're going to make me feel shamed about not flossing every day.
• 19:50
  Carrie: Oh my, gosh.
• 19:52
  Anastasia: Yeah, exactly, it's really hard.
• 19:54
  Carrie: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:55
  Carrie: So I love connecting with other.
• 19:58
  Carrie: I don't know if you've heard the term change makers.
• 20:00
  Carrie: It's making a change in the world that we live and helping people to become the better versions of ourselves, and so it's been so lovely to have you here today with us, anastasia.
• 20:10
  Carrie: Thank you for connecting.
• 20:13
  Anastasia: Oh, thank you so much for having me.
• 20:14
  Anastasia: It's been really great talking with you and talking to your audience.
• 20:17
  Carrie: Yeah, and we'll make sure to include all of your information in our show notes today and thank you so much.
• 20:23
  Carrie: Have a great one, you too.
• 20:25
  Carrie: Well, that's a wrap.
• 20:27
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in.
• 20:28
  Carrie: Change makers.
• 20:29
  Carrie: This is Carrie, and if you haven't done a review for us, five stars and a little few words about what you've enjoyed in our podcast episodes we would really appreciate it.
• 20:39
  Carrie: If you guys would like to ever message me, I would love any questions you have or any feedback.
• 20:45
  Carrie: At info at heart to heart lifecom, we also have a brand new website which we're super excited to share.
• 20:52
  Carrie: It's heart to heart lifecom.
• 20:55
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times, change maker families.