Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Choosing YOU - in life, relationships & divorce

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Choosing YOU - in life, relationships & divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to reflex reclaim and the place of the podcast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding this place for all of you in life and love.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim this in the relationships and you are on your relationship to me.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: These conversations meet you finding completely supportive to me with me.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you must want to be a life and love.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is a follow-on from the previous two, which are really focused on self-abandonment and self-abandoning in relationships, whereas this one is about choosing you, choosing ourselves.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna kick off with a quote from Glennon Doyle's book Untamed, which has felt really, really relevant.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it goes like this When women lose themselves, the world loses its way.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: We do not need more selfless women.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: What we need right now is more women who have detoxed themselves so completely from the world's expectations that they are full of nothing but themselves.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: What we need are women who are full of themselves.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: A woman who is full of herself knows and trusts herself enough to say and do what must be done.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: She lets the rest burn.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself isn't choosing comfort.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself is not choosing the comfortable path.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: I know, and I suspect you know, that choosing yourself repeatedly over and over, every single time, choosing you, choosing yourself isn't always easy.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not always comfortable or convenient, especially at first as you heal and move yourself from patterns of self-abandonment to more self-honouring.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself doesn't always feel like the right thing.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: So lean into it being a process, an unlearning, a leaning in, in fact.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're not always going to get it right, it's not always going to feel comfortable and easy, but the more and more you practice that, the more natural it becomes.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I also know, and you probably suspect this too, that choosing yourself is likely to affect or activate others in your world.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe choosing you means you disappoint or you upset or you let others down.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it means things shift and change because you're no longer willing to self-abandon.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: You will certainly disrupt or challenge other people's beliefs of you, other people's beliefs about you.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because choosing you tends to push others out of their comfortable zone where you made everything okay.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: You challenge what others think or believe or feel, but there also comes a time for many women, there comes a time when you can't not choose yourself.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And for many of us, if that time is not right now, it's coming.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're tired, we're all tired, tired of feeling not fully seen, not fully heard, not fully allowed, not fully embraced, not fully you.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're tired of keeping all the things together, juggling all the things, wearing all the hats, holding and carrying all the mental load, and tired of the feelings of frustration and resentment that come from that.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know so many women, I've had so many conversations with women who are tired of pretending or accepting that where where they are right now, how they're moving through the world, how they're moving through this one wild, precious life is okay.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, accepting that, well, it's kind of okay, but it's not really lighting them up, and they know they just know there's more.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: They know there could be more, they want more, they're craving more, and so it's time.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's a time of reckoning, a time of release, a time to reclaim who you are and how you want the next season of your life to look, how you want this next season of your life to be, how you want this next season of your life to feel.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because settling, accepting, staying in the same place, playing out the same story, abandoning your hopes, abandoning your dreams, abandoning yourself, and just going through the motions, going through this one precious life of yours with a restless soul and a tired heart, with a heavy, heavy heart, a head and a heart full of questions.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's not what you want.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught from a really young age.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught a whole lot of rules and guidelines and told a whole lot of BS stories about what it means to be female.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: As girls, as women, as mothers, we're told we're taught either by what's said to us directly or not said to us directly, or by how our behaviours are viewed, accepted, dismissed, rewarded.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're told all these stories.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: We're told overtly and subliminally that we as women are supposed to be caring.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're supposed to care about others.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught to look out for our friends, our families, our colleagues, our kids, our elderly parents and our neighbours.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: We're told to look out, look out for, look after, and care for others.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's our job.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're told and taught in all sorts of ways not to trust our bodies, not to listen to the signals our bodies send us, or not to believe in the ability of our bodies to be strong and vibrant.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're told to do it all ourselves, to be independent, but not to be too independent.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're told to have a successful career, be financially independent, make sure we have children, become mothers.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: The most important thing we could do is to have children to breed, but not have our babies too young, but not to leave it too late to have children.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: We need to contribute to the family financially, but we're also the prime carer of these young people or our elderly parents.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And we're taught in so very many ways to make sure everyone else is okay first, and then to look after ourselves with what's left over, to put ourselves last on the list, to accept the status quo, to not push things too much, to be the good daughter, the good mother, the good wife, be the good girl, to be nice, to smile, whatever the hell is going on inside of you, whatever you're thinking, regardless of what you're feeling, what's coming up for you, make sure you're nice, make sure you smile.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're told and shown through the media, through the way others react and respond to us, that our bodies aren't actually exclusively our own, or our bodies aren't good enough, beautiful enough, thin enough, soft enough, round enough, whatever enough.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught and shown that the way we look is more important than the things we can do or what we know, what we bring to the table, what we can contribute.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught that being a mother is this high, the highest, highest achievement in life as a woman, but that being a mother isn't actually valued or worthy of financial recompense.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught the feminine is weak, the masculine is strong, and in lots of ways we're shown that we can't trust ourselves, but we should in inverted commas listen to others who supposedly know better than we do.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: So the messages are clear that we should or we must, we should prove we're worthy rather than just accept and acknowledge that we're born damn worthy.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: We need to push and prove we're better, stronger, capable, but also not be too good at what we do.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, not outsmart, overshadow, or show up anyone else.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught often to wait and place our happiness in the hands of others, to place our happiness in external things.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught to serve and wait and sacrifice, to question and doubt ourselves and our abilities, to question and doubt and fail to trust our intuition, our knowledge, our inner power.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught that that's not trustworthy.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And we're taught and shown in so many ways that we actually have to work hard to keep ourselves safe rather than assuming that we are always and everywhere safe.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: And we're told in countless ways, big, small, overt, subliminal, all the ways, we're told that our wants, our needs, our desires are actually secondary to others.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Our pleasure is not important.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught to minimize postpone or push down our desires, and that we should be grateful, or we should feel guilt for being good and successful for our achievements.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be too good, don't be too successful.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Aren't you lucky that you are so successful and that you can have all the things?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: And we're also taught to feel guilt for not being good, successful, or high achieving enough.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught that we should give and give and give and give a little bit more, that it's better to give than to receive.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught that we should find a partner, we need a partner, we're better in partnership, we're valuable in partnership, but also we shouldn't rely on a partner.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we should be able to do everything on our own.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: We're told that we're not good at whatever the thing is.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: We're not good at money, we're not good at numbers or business or science or tech or cars or cooking or whatever other thing.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: We're told we're not good at it.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And we take on that BS story.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I see so many times in my clients, so many of my clients come to me and they say, I feel like my dreams are unrealistic, I feel like my emotions are too much.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm told all the time that I expect too much, my expectations are too high, that my emotions are too much, I am too much.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: We're often told that we're too insert thing here.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're too old, we're too young, we're too inexperienced, we've been too long out of the workforce, we're too fat, too thin, too strong, too loud, too muscular, too hairy, too wrinkled, we've had too much work done, we haven't had enough work done, haven't looked after ourselves, and we've let ourselves go.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe we're told we're too noisy or too loud, we take up too much space, we're too independent, we're too feisty, we're too demanding, or that, as I said before, our expectations are too high.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: We ask too much, we want too much, we're too opinionated, we're too powerful, we're too strong, too successful, too much.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're just too damn much.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: We're told in so many ways that we are too much.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught not to ask or demand or request of others, not to be too much, but also not to, yeah, not to demand too much, not to have needs, and definitely not to openly state and claim them, definitely not demand or expect they be met.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught in so many ways that what we crave, what we need, what we desire is just a little bit too much, that we should be grateful with what we have and not ask, demand, or expect for more.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught in our families of origin, we're taught in workplaces, we're taught in so many spaces that we're valued and valuable when we take care of things, when we take care of things for others, when we take care of others.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're taught to be self-sufficient and self-reliant and also not to be needy or clingy or emotional, not to be angry or frustrated or annoyed or make loud when things aren't going, aren't our expectations aren't being met.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because if we are, we can be accused of being bitchy or nasty or petty or a naughty little girl, Grace Tame.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: We can be hard to satisfy, and yeah, yeah, I think we should be hard to satisfy.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: Demanding, argumentative, nagging, or unladylike.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Well, give me unladylike any damn day of the week, just quietly or loudly, I don't mind.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Give me unladylike, I'll take unladylike.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're told not to ask for too much or do it too loudly, but also not to be too meek or standoffish or aloof.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: We are told we're not enough, we're not good enough, we're not smart enough, we're not educated enough, not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough, not rich enough, whatever, just not enough.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And in all of this, all of this, we are taught to see or encouraged to seek permission, to seek validation, to chase love and happiness outside of ourselves, externally.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: And to all of that, to all of that, I say, fuck it, fuck that.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's time, it's time to choose.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's time to choose you.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's time to choose me.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: I choose me, and I encourage you to choose you.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: There are some really, really good reasons for choosing yourself.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: And in another in the next episode, I'm gonna go more in depth into how we do it.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I just thought I'd finish this episode, which has been a bit brutal, I know.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, finish this episode with some really powerful reasons and ways to choose yourself.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: So eight reasons to choose yourself.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: My these are my top eight reasons.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, you know yourself better than anyone else does.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Lean into that epic self-trust.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Choose you because underneath all the BS, all the stories, all the learnings, all the conditionings, you know you, and you know you better than anyone else.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, when you choose yourself, you discover who really matters.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: You discover who your people are.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them you already know.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them you'll call in.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: You discover who really matters and who your people are.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because your people, your people want you to choose you.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Your people will honor you for choosing you.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if they don't, they're actually not your people.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they never were.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, when you choose yourself, you become your biggest fan.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: When you choose yourself, you actually accept that you're not for everybody, and not everyone will like you, and you know that that's okay because you are your biggest fan.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: You honor and revere yourself.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: You are your biggest fan.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, you get to drive the bus.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: You are in control of your life, your decisions, your choices, your feelings, your responses, they're all yours.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: You get to drive.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: You also get to be the chief navigator.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: You drive, you navigate, you're in control.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, which comes on from follows on from that one.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: You control your happiness.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because you're driving the bus, because you're making the decisions, because you're choosing anchored in deep self-trust and deep self-worth and deep self-honouring.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: You are choosing happiness.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: You control your own happiness.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, when you choose yourself, you have your own back.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can depend on yourself for everything.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And this is not that fierce independence born of fear, that fierce independence of I can do anything, I don't need anybody else.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: This is a knowing that you have your own back, you can do all the things built from a deep inner self-trust, a deep sense of self-trust, a deep inner confidence.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know yourself, you like yourself, you trust yourself.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Reason number seven choose yourself because when you choose yourself, you can't fail.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because you know you will never give up on yourself.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means you don't lose, you don't fail.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean blocking other people out, but it does mean you have your own back, you lean into self-trust, and you can't fail.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And the eighth reason to choose yourself, choosing yourself means you honor your worthiness.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You accept that you are born worthy.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to prove it, you don't have to fight for it.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing you means you honor that worthiness, and you are worthy then of anything you choose, anything you go after, anything you desire.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing yourself means being anchored in your own worthiness.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now, ways to choose yourself.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna run through six quick ways to choose yourself.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's a whole lot more coming in next week's episode, so look out for that.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: Six ways to choose yourself.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, uh treat yourself as sacred.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Have a deep reverence for yourself.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Own that you are precious and treat yourself in ways, speak to yourself in ways that show you believe this.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Treat yourself in ways that really, truly, deeply are anchored into your belief that you are sacred, you are precious, you revere yourself.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, speak your truth and speak your truth to yourself as well as to others.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Get underneath the BS stories that you're telling yourself.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Be brave enough to speak your truth to yourself as well as to other people.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Be accountable.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, number three way to choose yourself is to be accountable.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hold yourself accountable, do what you say, behave with integrity, be the person you most want to be.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Show up for yourself, be accountable, do what you say you will do, hold yourself to your highest integrity.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth way to choose yourself.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Lean into self-trust.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can trust yourself.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to hold and trust yourself, lean into self-trust.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's something that you need to build, do it incrementally.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Do it with support, do it with a coach, but learn to trust yourself.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to hold and trust yourself, especially in the face of love and relationship.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: When you lean into a deep sense of self-trust, when you lean into that knowing, when you can hold yourself, when you can trust yourself to hold yourself solo, and then you can learn to trust yourself to hold yourself in a relationship in love.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you invite in the kind of love, the kind of relationship you're seeking.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: So lean into self-trust.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: Fifth way to choose yourself: set and hold healthy boundaries.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Set and hold healthy boundaries.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: Know what your non negotiables are.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Know what you're willing to accept.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Know what you're not willing to accept.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Know how far you're willing to go, know how much you're willing to give.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: Say no to anything that doesn't align with your values or bring you joy, satisfaction, or fulfillment.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: And say yes wholeheartedly.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're saying yes, make sure it's a hell yes.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Set and hold healthy boundaries.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: And my number six way to choose yourself is to deeply, truly, fully love yourself.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Deeply, fully, truly love yourself.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Love yourself like everything else depends on it.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: Love yourself like your life, your future, your happiness, your relationships.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Love yourself like everything depends on it because it does.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And remember at the very beginning of the episode, I quoted Glenn and Doyle, and she talked about everything else burns.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: Burning everything down doesn't have to be a fiery inferno.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: It can just be a gentle burning, a releasing.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, you can always do it with support, the support of a coach, the support of friends, the support of a counsellor, the support of a psychologist, whoever you need.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: Call in your support network if you are in that process or that space where you're ready to release and burn stuff down.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: And as we all know, Valentine's Day has just been.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_00: Valentine's Day was Monday.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not in a relationship that's really lighting you up, if you're not in your ideal or you're still searching for or calling in your person, Valentine's Day can be really, really activating.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you tell yourself it doesn't matter, it's everywhere.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so it can be really activating.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I developed a special Valentine's Day self-love bundle, which is available from now until the end of February, limited spaces, it's a 90-minute call with me, plus double the usual messaging support after the call and a few other extra bonuses thrown in.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'd love to support you to choose you, to use this Valentine's Day to really anchor into self-love and to choose you.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's a beautiful, beautiful gift to give yourself this Valentine's Day, this Valentine's season.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's not for you, maybe it's for that girlfriend that you know who's really ready to step in to deepen her self-love and to choose herself.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: There is a link to book in the show notes, or email me, DM me for more details.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: I would really love to offer you this opportunity to go deep in your self-love, to go deep and choose you.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Until then