Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Its Called the Internet- Leo Allen 😂😂😂

Transcript

Its Called the Internet- Leo Allen 😂😂😂 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I I feel no longer like I need to try.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Hey everybody, uh, thanks for coming.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh let me start out by maybe asking you a question.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Did you ever um have somebody give you advice and uh right in the middle of them giving you advice, you realize that really they're just giving themselves advice through you?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: My father does this all the time.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: He calls me up on the phone, he goes, Leo, Leo, leave your mother.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, she's killing you.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to me, don't waste another 40 years.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because you could be a dancer.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: You have a dancer's body.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's when I hang up and remind myself I'm adopted.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited, I've I feel like I have trouble finishing things, so I'm really excited because I'm very close to finishing a novel that I've been working on.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So that's thanks.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Really, really exciting.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's taken me a long time to write it because I'm texting it.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's about a young, awkward couple who woke up late at night when they know they shouldn't.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know that thing um in life, uh, how you uh uh feel awkward all the time?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: You'd you'd think it would go away, but no, it just gets worse as you get older.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like, for instance, you ever go into a store and you happen to be carrying something that they sell in that store, and then start to get all paranoid that they're gonna think that you stole it.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: That happened to me recently at the gun store.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I totally panicked and overcompensated.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I had this when I came in here.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: Get down on the ground.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't look at me.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Put your wallet to the side.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: I went to a two-year-old's birthday party recently.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, what with Photoshop so readily available, there's no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: They're not gonna know ever.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's not in their conscious memory.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: At worst, worst case scenario, 30 years later, you'll have an awkward conversation with your middle-aged kid going, and your kid will go, hey, why did we uh have my second birthday party at the pyramids of Giza?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's how much we loved you.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And being at this birthday party was awkward enough from the first moment I got there because the only person I knew at the whole party was the two-year-old.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Someone's just looking at me, asking me these boring bourgeois questions.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you in our house?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: How do you know our son?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's called the internet.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I went to a vegetarian restaurant.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are there any vegetarians here?
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Any uh vegans?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Barely have the energy to respond.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: I love I love that vegans are the only people you're allowed to make fun of nowadays.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Even vegetarians are like stupid vegans.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you eat some milk and eggs, you pussies?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so we're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's what really bugged me.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the sign said, if animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, If vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f out.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: It makes the same amount of sense.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Babies don't talk, but somehow I manage not to eat them.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: And they look delicious! Especially when they're smothered in that baby sauce.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Also, even if animals could talk, wouldn't whether or not we ate those animals be contingent upon what those animals said?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I was walking down the street and I walked by an emu, you know, the ostrich of the savannah.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that emu turned to me and went, I taste like chocolate.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then uttered something anti-Semitic.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, wait a minute, emu, I'm gonna eat your brains out just to teach you a lesson about tolerance.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: No, I'm not saying that because I happen to be walking down the street with Ellie Weezel.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I go on vacation every year.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not too bad.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Every summer.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: I every summer I go on vacation.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And what I try to do though is I go on like an educational vacation because I like to learn stuff.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: And last summer, I haven't done it yet this summer, but last summer I went to uh Israel and I did an archaeological dig.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Uh some people have heard of Israel.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's really big in the Bible.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And uh we went to this archaeological dig uh near the Dead Sea and we actually found some missing excerpts of the Bible.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Uh and our our guide put those excerpts probably in the book of Exodus, chapters 28-29, and I actually brought a transliteration.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, this isn't the actual thing, that would be insane.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh but I brought a transliteration, so I'd like to share it with you now.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: This is we believe from the book of Exodus, either chapter 28 or chapter 9.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: 29.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Wandering in the desert, Moses and Aaron entered into a public house and ordered some grog.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: While Aaron sought out an encampment, Moses said to the serving person, The God of Israel is the one true God.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Therefore, I will wager that I can relieve myself into that gourd with not one drop falling outside of the container.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: If I fail, I will pay you fifty shekels.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: The serving person accepted the wager, knowing it to be impossible.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Moses then rose up onto the counter and relieved himself all over the house, even getting some onto the serving person, into his thick black beard, and not a single drop into the gourd.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then the Philistine said to Moses, Hallelujah and praise Baal, I have won fifty shekels.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And Moses said unto him, I too rejoice, for I have wagered with my brother Aaron for five hundred shekels that I could defile your serving house with my wastewater, yet still you would rejoice.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: And with that, the serving person accepted the God of Israel as the one true God.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's scary when you realize stuff about yourself that you didn't realize.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did you ever I I was I had that I was in my apartment and I was watching my favorite television program.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: VH1's top 100 most worthless hours of programming.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to change the channel because I was alive and I realized that life is finite.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm sitting on the couch and the remote control is like two feet away, and instead of just going like, bam, like that, do you ever do that?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I did that stupid thing where I was like, oh, I'll just do it with my foot.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'll change the channel.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: This will save a lot of time.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: This will expedite this process.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: But what was scary was I did it for so long that the show I hated ended.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: And another one came on which shook me out of my reverence.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my god, I am the laziest person on earth.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: This does not bode well for Leo Allen.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: So then to try to make myself feel better, I tried to think of what's the laziest thing that anybody's ever done ever.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like maybe that'll make me feel better.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think I figured it out.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I think it was probably a young woman, probably a teenager, lying in bed very early in the morning, her alarm clock goes off, like she goes, Oh my god, what I set my alarm for six thirty.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, I had an appointment to get an abortion.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'll just keep the baby.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to go to college anyway.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people aren't fans of that joke.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: In that joke, the baby lives.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I will not kill a baby for comedy.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: I realized recently that I uh dressed like I'm 12, and uh I noticed it when I was buying beer for my 12-year-old friends.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was looking at him, I was like, I'm the king of the 12-year-olds! Well, that made me kind of sad because I realized I'm always gonna dress like this.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I was gonna change, I would have changed already, but it's too late for me.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, at this point, I should probably have kids of my own that I acknowledge.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: Uh.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I don't even have any nephews.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: At least.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Not that I know of.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I'm gonna do.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I figured it out.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I'm gonna do.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'll always dress like this.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: But say I have a four-year-old son and we're walking down the street together, I'll be dressed like this, but to bounce it out, I'll make him wear a three-piece suit and carry a briefcase.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: And that way, when someone sees some stranger walks up to us on the street and goes, What the hell is going on here?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna train my son to say, We got hit by lightning.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm gonna go, things with mom are really weird.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Who's drinking, New York City?
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Drinking?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I think drinking is actually fine, but one thing that is uh potentially hazardous about it is that drinking makes you think you're good at stuff it's dangerous to think you're good at.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, say, communicating, or drinking more, or de-arming a police officer, or differentiating between men and women, or getting to a fist fight with a group of people on horseback.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know what I'm saying, stuff you shouldn't be all cocky about unless you know you can pull it off.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: It wouldn't be so bad if drinking made you think you're good at stuff that was more innocuous, like say, origami.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: But that never happens.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Never.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: No one ever wakes up really hung over and goes, oh my god.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what did I do last night?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Who made all these cranes?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: There's something beautiful inside of me.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's there's something I like to do in every show.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: I like to help people.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: So what I've done is I found in my life that a lot of times you're in a situation, something happens, you wish you would have had something funny or witty to say, but you never think of it until weeks later.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the French call it uh l'Esprit d'Escalier, but I don't speak French.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um anyway, uh what I did was I thought of every possible situation that could occur, and I pre-wrote millions of things for people to say.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe these will be helpful to you at some point.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: I brought a few examples here with me.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Tonight I'm gonna move this out of the way.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very professional.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um examples.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is way too much buildup.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, uh here's the first example.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, say someone accidentally shoots you with a crossbow.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Normally you'd probably just be like, oh, ow.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: But imagine how much cooler you'd seem if you went, nice shooting, William Tell.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then you could keep going, just to mess with them more.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: You could be like, oh, you know what?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry for my sarcastic tone.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I was kind of asking to get shot with an arrow.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: What with you holding a crossbow and me with an apple on my head?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, wait, I don't have an apple on my head, you freaking maniac.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here's the next example.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And this this one has happened to me three times.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this has happened to some of you.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do you ever go to the store and you get your change and it's exactly 666?
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's freaky, isn't it?
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just kind of like, uh.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: But if that ever happens to you, look the clerk right in the eye and go, A vast G Satan, you shan't be having my soul this morning.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: And keep me change, you filthy demon.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then throw whatever you bought at the clerk and ran out of the store crap.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be a legend.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: Alright.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, this final one is very sad.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: I I this has happened to me actually recently, and I I hope, I truly hope this has never happened to anybody here in this audience.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you ever say I love you to someone and they don't say I love you back?
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Terrible, right?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Awful, the worst, but maybe a little less awful.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: If without hesitation you look them right in the eye and go, I work for a secret government organization.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell you about it, but I leave tomorrow.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: You will never hear from me again.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Also, that is why I use the code phrase, I love you.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know now that you don't work for us because you didn't say the correct response, which is I love you too! You are an amazing person and treat me right! Therefore, I will act like a human being and respond to that because I am not a cold-hearted bitch.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: If awkward silence had been the code word, you would be about to embark on the adventure of mid-life comes.