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Sober Talk SA - Rosie · Sober Talk SA

0:00
Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
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Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
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call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
0:17
I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
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I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
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with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
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help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
0:43
drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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He is not alive with any sect, denomination, politics,
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organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
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controversy, neither endorses or oppose any causes.
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Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help.
1:06
Other Alcoholics are chiefs of Brady.
1:08
Hi, my name is Rosie. I'm an alcoholic and thank you
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so much for having me here. I'm super, super grateful to be
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here because it helps me connect with you and you connect with
1:20
me. But also, so I feel like I'm at
1:22
a stage I do need to reflect on my spirituality and, and I think
1:26
that, yeah, this is going to help me.
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And, and yeah, like I said, I just like, I love being able to
1:31
connect with you all. And I think, you know, to do
1:33
that, we, we start off with the identification.
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I can go into my story a little bit, but I will would like to
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like sort of link it a lot back to the spiritual staff because I
1:42
remember coming to this meeting my very early days desperate for
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help with it because I was so stuck.
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And I think like the guest, they could probably said lots of
1:50
wonderful things, but I didn't hear it didn't save me, didn't
1:53
like it wasn't spiritual enough or something.
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So, you know, got got grumpy about it because I did just want
1:59
something out there to save me to make me feel better.
2:02
And that never never worked. And my sobriety is the 6th of
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November 2018. And that was my first day in a,
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in a therapeutic community in a rehab.
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And, and I'm really grateful for that place because I had been
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taken to a couple of a, a meetings by people before that
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and I don't remember them And I didn't, I wasn't open to it.
2:26
Like I mentioned, I was like super blocked with the spiritual
2:29
side of this. And some people say the entire
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thing spiritual, but I think there was a lot of barriers
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between me and an opening up to. And the first one is, is a
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language barrier. I just didn't really my meaning
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or like understanding of spirituality was sort of like
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we, we, it's sort of like meant not true or not real.
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And you know, that's certainly like changed.
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And when I look back now, there's lots of, there was lots
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of like, I think spiritual things in my life.
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Or my dad, for instance, would like never call himself
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spiritual. In fact, you know, far from it.
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He would, you know, he's anti theist and but he's actually
3:03
like one of the most, most spiritual people I know in the
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sense he's so generous and he what, you know, wants to always
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give and he doesn't put himself first in any situation and let
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there's just so many like wonderful morals and
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philosophies that he lives by that I have as well.
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But they couldn't save me. They couldn't save me growing
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up, You know, I really wanted to be a good person.
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I wanted to I had good intentions.
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I had so many good intentions, But you know, at the end of the
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day, my, my comfort, my need to comfort myself from my
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discomfort in the world always won out.
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And that was through, you know, alcohol and other drugs.
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That's anything really. I felt different as a, as a kid
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and, you know, like there's things that, you know, happened
3:45
in my life, but I don't, I feel like I was just born in a way
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that no matter what it was, there was going to be something
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along the way that, you know, made me feel not good enough
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and, and different and alone and all those things.
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And so no matter what my parents did, they, you know, they meant
4:01
really well, you know, I feel like I was just like, you know,
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destined to feel like that. And, and it's, and that's OK,
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you know, like it all these days.
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I can be so grateful for all those things because it means
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I'm not useful in, in Alcoholics Anonymous.
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And I remember it being told to me in the early days that all of
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my struggles would actually become assets because they would
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allow me to help others. And that's come true and in ways
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I can barely describe it. Yeah, when I found alcohol, I
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was everything was OK. And and I didn't like realize
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how quickly the things are. You know, I was using it all the
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time. I was a party animal at 1st and
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I just would, you know, scheme with all my friends to get and
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all have pocket money together for the weekends.
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But it quickly bled into the week.
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And I was using it as a coping mechanism for like, you know,
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the discomfort I mentioned, which came in the forms of panic
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attacks and depression and all these things.
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And I was shipped off to health professionals about it.
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They're a really early age and, and counselling and things like
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that. And there was just something
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wrong with me that was never really identified.
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And, and it, you know, like puberty was just painful and it
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all became worse. And I, I felt like I knew I was
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going down a bad path with the, with the drinking and the other
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sort of chemicals and that, that I was using.
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But I think there's just that assumption you'll grow out of it
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or something or, or I don't know it.
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Just like before I knew it, I was in so deep that it was just
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easier to swim down and, and I just accepted that was my life
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and I got married for the wrong reasons.
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I just fed the comfort that and this is the perceived security
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that he provided me with. And and you know, he, he, he
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grew to open something like helpful, but he really didn't
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like my drinking and he would control that for me, I guess.
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And I, and so that was part of the, I guess what I liked about
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that relationship as well as it control my drinking and, and it,
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but it just didn't work because like I said, I can have really
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good intentions. And every now and then I'd try
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and get my life together and it was always tomorrow I'd do this
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and I'd do that. And, you know, I kept just like
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coming, sort of coming to and realizing I hated my life and
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everything in it and just wanting to end.
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And I'd end up in a psychiatric ward or a psychiatric hospital
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and I'd come out just on more drugs and medications and those
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like cycles were just getting shorter and shorter because I'd
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kind of try and get on the straight and narrow for a bit.
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But it just kept, you know, I just kept circling, you know,
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going back to circling the drain and, and like I'd like I said, I
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had a good parents, you know, they were educated and they
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meant well. I wasn't, I didn't, you know
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what one for too, too much. I really love, I mean, I like by
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nature, I sort of am always wanting more.
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But as far as, you know, being sheltered and fed and things
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like that, you know, everything was OK.
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And, and I had two different households, one with my just me
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and my dad and the other one with my mum and my stepdad and
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my five other sort of half and step siblings.
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And like I said, my dad was like anti theist.
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He was an altar boy and he won't talk about what happened back in
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England, but he certainly like didn't have any nice things to
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say about anything like that. And I'd never really stepped
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into a church or anything, or said a prayer in my life or even
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considered that there was anything beyond what we could
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touch, smell, see taste in here. And it was just that strong,
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like materialism. He was a physics and maths
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teacher and, and my mum and like was, I think she had a
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spirituality. She, we never went to church.
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We didn't have any religious practices, but she seemed to
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have some sort of, I guess, interest in, I don't know, like
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her mum was an art artist and she was a writer and a poet.
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And I guess that was just that sort of like, like there was a
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magic in life that she, she was open to.
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I don't really remember ever talking to her about any of
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this. And, and she like, passed away
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during the depths of my, you know, alcoholism.
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But yeah, I'd love to talk to her about her now.
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And I sometimes do and I guess I think my, my grandma would had a
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spirituality that I would love to have been able to discuss
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with her now as well. But basically what my parents
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did share and passed on to me was this like curiosity, I
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guess, of life and and in a sense and a creativity, the
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curiosity from the, you know, science and writing sort of what
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as what they taught in my life, I guess I, yeah, found myself
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super enchanted by by art and bike, you know, seeking
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knowledge in particularly in certain areas.
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And and I had this and I had this like childlike wondering
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me, but it was just there was that like dark sort of side that
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would creep in this crippling self doubt.
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Yeah. And you know, like I said, I
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don't know where it came from. There might have been certain
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things in life that, you know, contributed to it.
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But like I said, I think I could have just, you know, inserted
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anything and I would have ended up the way I was not feeling,
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not feeling like I could cope with anything.
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And it just helped me cope using, you know, drinking
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alcohol. It just helped me feel OK.
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Like, and you know, obviously I had it to have fun and all of
9:12
that. But really, especially towards
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the end, it was just to feel OK. It was just to live another day.
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And you know, I certainly didn't want recovery.
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I did. And I just, I got my first
9:22
choice was to die. But there was that whole, you
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know, mate, like you'd worry about the family.
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And I lost my uncle to suicide due to this disease and I just
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didn't want to, I saw the destruction that had in my
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family and, you know, I just would felt so guilty about that.
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Whereas so I just, you know, like I and I just felt guilty
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all the time, really like, but that, that was something that
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definitely like didn't stop my me thinking about, you know,
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taking my life all the time, but stopped me from actually doing
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it. But it towards the end, those
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breakdowns that I would have where I'll just end up in
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hospital and they were just getting so close.
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And I wasn't my last one. And I remember it was like, I
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think my first surrender was just I was at a black, was
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bushed off with a friend and I'd had enough stuff to kill a horse
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like several times over. And it wasn't taking me far
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enough away from that horrible feeling anymore.
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It was like, yeah, I couldn't outrun that.
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Like crippling, like anxiety and depression or whatever you want
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to call anymore. Like it wasn't working like it
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used to. And I just remember just saying
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to her, like, you need to drop me at my dad's house because I'm
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going to, you know, I'm going to take my life.
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And I just on my knees that did, I can't, you know, take me to
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hospital. And that was the last time I had
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to to do that. And, you know, and that site,
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last psychiatric admission, it was suggested I maybe like look
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at a rehab. And like I said, I wasn't really
10:43
interested in trying to live the rest of my life.
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I was just about to turn 30. I wasn't interested in a life
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without any alcohol at all. But I just thought maybe until
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my like dad passes on, I could just for him.
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I could just you know what, knuckle it until you know, he
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goes. And so before I knew what I was
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like, even though it was a horrendous wait list, I don't
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remember, it was Groundhog Day. I had just get up and go to the
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chemist and the bottle Owen back home and just smoke and drink
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myself until the end of the day and get up the next day and
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repeat. It was just this horrible
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Groundhog Day and ended up in that that rehab and the out
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started coming to these meetings and like I said, I'd apparently
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been to some before. I don't remember and I didn't
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really like anyone here or the idea of any of it.
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The like the why the serenity prayer is written looks really
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culty and weird and I didn't want to borrow of any of it.
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And I was like just you had like in the book in our appendix to
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it says there's a contempt prior to investigation.
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I just had that all over. But the people that were
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relieving the rehab and not sort of going to to meetings ended up
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relapsing straight away sort of thing.
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So just for pure statistics, I just thought, well, like, if all
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I have to do is go to these meetings and listen to bunch of
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people and to, you know, keep from having to go back to rehab,
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we'll go back to the psych hospital and you know, I'll do
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it. You know, it's a full price to
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pay him. So I was going to these
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meetings. I don't I wasn't really hearing
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anything, I don't think at the start.
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I just thought we were here to like talk about what it was like
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and complain about our day. And I didn't, you know, hear
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much else of what was being talked about.
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I guess I wasn't open yet, but I had, you know, met met someone
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in rehab that I, you know, like thought that I was in love with
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because you you definitely, you know, like going to fall in love
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with the right person day 2 of rehab, But like I was different,
12:31
Especially I started hearing about the about the, you know,
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tropes about it, and I just thought what hey, you know, I
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just thought it was going to fix me.
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I guess I could never really spent much anytime in a single.
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I like my ex-husband I'd moved out with at 17, and, you know,
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that was only freshly over, but this person I sort of put all my
12:50
time and energy really that became a higher power leader.
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The obsession to drink alcohol and his other drugs was removed
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because I had this new obsession.
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And, you know, I do find that alcoholism is the disease of
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that mind. And when it's obsessing, that's
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the disease. And it can obsess over anything.
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And I've tried to, you know, I've tried obsessing of
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everything to stop that like miserable feeling deep down
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inside. And none of it's worked until
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I've done the 12 steps. But yeah, that and that didn't
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work either. But in doing that, like he was
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he was religious. I was going to church and I was
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trying really hard to pretend like I wasn't.
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As I said, I wasn't open to any of it, but I was really trying.
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And I just felt such such a like fraud there.
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Like I think the back of our coin, say to thine own self be
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true. And I think that's just like
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such a fundamental part of a recovery.
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Is that like if. Yeah, like I think, you know,
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over time, I can still be lying to myself about things now.
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But over time, you know, like, I just need to keep getting honest
13:44
with myself, keep getting honest with myself with the help of you
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guys. Because, yeah, if we're not
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acting, if we're acting someone else or like pretending to be
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someone we're not, it's just corrodes our our soul, you know,
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like, and it was like it was killing me and I just like was
13:58
pretending to be, you know, the woman of this person's dreams
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when I wasn't at all. And that didn't work, right.
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Like, you know, I can. But you can bend over backwards
14:05
for someone. They're not going to feel that
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hole in the soul. And, and it was just so amazing
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to finally, you know, be yeah, around the right people at the
14:15
right time. And I've found over the years
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that keeps happening somehow. And I mean, there's nothing like
14:22
a man to drive me towards the steps.
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And that's what like happened for me.
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It was just like, oh, like on the outside things are looking
14:28
better because I was like going to like TAFE and I was going,
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I'd got a part time job and I was like, I just on the outside
14:36
things are looking so much better.
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I was like feeling a bit like healthier and stuff like that.
14:39
But internally I was feeling so much worse.
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I was like feeling those feelings for the first time.
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It took me a while to defrost, but I was angry and I was like
14:47
frustrated and confused and like this person wasn't loving me the
14:51
right way and it was just so hard.
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And so I finally did get the guts to ask someone to sponsor
14:56
me. I sort of heard about that
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stuff. I thought someone was come meant
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to come and offer me sponsorship like I thought I just had no
15:02
idea. And I I did not have the
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humility to ask anyone how this whole thing works.
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I just sat in the back thinking I was smarter than everyone.
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And yeah, I finally asked God, I've only got a number of a
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woman. And that was so lucky because
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the COVID shut down everything the day after that meeting and
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and we didn't have we had zoom came up pretty quick, but for a
15:22
while there's nothing. And I was surviving on going to
15:24
like gym and, and you work at uni and meetings to stay sober
15:29
and then or, you know, just just keep from going insane really.
15:33
And then all of that fell away and like I was, I changed really
15:36
quickly mentally and I just wanted to go back to hospital,
15:40
you know, like I was just like, oh, but luckily this woman had
15:43
asked me to call her every day and thank God, goodness, she
15:47
just had a list of other women I could call.
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And I was so scared because I hadn't talked to many people in
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and I had. And if they were mainly talked
15:54
to men. And I just like, yeah, I think
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like, I just can't believe how close I got to that not
16:00
happening. Because, yeah, my recovery truly
16:03
started after that because I started reading through the big
16:06
book of Alcoholics Anonymous and with another like with with
16:10
someone who lived through this. And that made all the difference
16:13
because while I can, you know, intellectually understand
16:16
something, it's, it's such a different experience to be
16:18
reading it with someone I meant to be, you know, really
16:22
reflecting on all of that stuff and really, truly understanding
16:26
that step one for the first time that you're not only like, did I
16:29
have this allergy to alcohol and an obsession with that, that
16:31
meant that like on my own, I can't stay sober.
16:33
There was also this unmanageability that I started
16:35
to develop an understanding of and.
16:38
And yeah, starting to see those patterns everywhere.
16:40
And through my first step four, I barely knew what was going on
16:42
and I barely understood it then. But it was that first, I guess,
16:45
like, yeah, like a cerebral spiritual act that I've like got
16:53
better really start to clean house in ways that, you know,
16:55
I'm still developing these and years later and hope to still
16:58
keep going with. But seeing the patterns in that,
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seeing how all through the years, I'd always just like,
17:04
felt miserable and tried to use something external to feel
17:08
better. And it was constantly about like
17:10
that instant gratification all the time.
17:12
And I couldn't rise above that. Like I like I said, I'd have
17:16
good intentions and I just couldn't.
17:17
I'd always give in to the quick fix over and over again.
17:20
And when it wasn't alcohol or drugs anymore, it was a person
17:24
or it was food or it was, you know, anything.
17:26
Just like the closest I got was a dog.
17:28
Like that's as as far as filling the hole in the soul like I did.
17:32
I did force that rehab romance to get a dog with me and that
17:36
got close. But apart from that, you know, I
17:38
really had to start looking at this stuff and I don't know when
17:42
it happened, like when the, the spiritual experience that makes
17:45
thought, you know, made everything that's followed
17:47
possible happen. It's only in hindsight when you
17:49
start realising. But like, and I guess when it
17:52
comes to like what had happened in my life before that and, and
17:56
during those early days of recovery, it's these little
17:58
things and it's little things that you hear in meetings from
18:01
people and, and things that you read in the big book, like the
18:03
chapter 2 agnostics was so important for me to really
18:07
breakthrough some of that intellectual pride.
18:09
It's just spelled out. It's like it was written for me.
18:12
And it was also, and I don't know other that random things
18:15
like I went to the Book of Mormon 'cause I like was this
18:17
stone of the love South Park. And so when that musical came, I
18:19
was just out of rehab and went to the Book of Mormon.
18:22
And just even that like the, you don't know the story is like,
18:26
it's about these like new Mormons that go to spread the
18:28
message and they lose the book and they end up just having to
18:30
make it up on the fly. And then they, and so the
18:34
community that they're trying to help start functioning better.
18:36
But then they find out it was a lie and they get angry, but then
18:38
they go, oh, wait, it was actually work.
18:40
It actually worked. It doesn't matter that it wasn't
18:42
real. And so in my head to help crack
18:44
myself open to this like spiritual thing, I sort of was
18:47
like, well, it doesn't matter what's real and what's not
18:49
because like, I just had this, you know, like the, the God of
18:52
reason is the book. So like, I want to rationalize
18:54
everything. I want to use my brain and I
18:56
want full on proof and all of that.
18:58
And, and I want logic and I want experiments and I want all of
19:01
that. And it just like helped be like,
19:03
well, what's the, it doesn't need that.
19:04
Like, it doesn't matter what's real.
19:06
It doesn't matter what's true. If you, you know, like
19:09
spirituality could work anyway, or this, this can work anyway.
19:12
And I was starting to, to pray and, and just realizing it was
19:17
just a way to re, you know, why my brain and, and that was
19:20
enough to get me started on that kind of thing and to start
19:24
incorporating the spiritual practices that I just felt so
19:26
uncomfortable doing at the start.
19:29
Like it just felt so foreign to me.
19:31
I'd never, like I said, even considered uttering A frailer
19:34
anything could be outside of us. So it was just so new and it
19:37
felt really silly And but like I just started to do what like my
19:42
sponsors just are doing because like, she was everything I said,
19:45
like she had, you know, I was like, oh, I was raised out here.
19:48
So I don't know if I can get any of this.
19:49
She's like, yeah, me too. And you can't argue with that.
19:51
It's not like, you know, it's not like when the health
19:54
professionals and psychiatrists or the doctors like tell you,
19:56
oh, you've got to do this and you have to do this.
19:58
Like, you know, I was constantly being told growing up and all
20:01
that, like, oh, you've got this and you have to take this or
20:03
whatever. And that never, you know,
20:06
obviously didn't work. But then all the sudden, you
20:09
know, what's word is like this woman just sitting opposite me
20:12
saying, yeah, me too. And this is what I did and.
20:15
And that that's the like power of what our public talking to
20:17
another, right. And so it's yeah, like, I guess
20:21
I had this like proof in front of me was like, you know, any
20:24
you know, like proof I needed is just throw you guys and starting
20:27
to see that and starting to be open to that.
20:29
And really what was behind me was such a good reason to be
20:34
open. Like because I just kept having
20:35
to be like, well, the way I thought and believed like did
20:38
not work. I was miserable like most in my
20:40
life, like I wanted to die. So like I have to be open to
20:43
something else if I want to leave.
20:45
And and yeah. And thank you like goodness for
20:48
all the little things that like lined up.
20:50
And we, my siblings are thanks to my mum who loved the first
20:54
move when it came out. Like they are what I guess we
20:56
refer to ourselves as a Star Wars family.
20:58
And like the first sort of understanding of a high power
21:02
because I didn't like the word or anything high power like or
21:05
just all that sounded odd and and silly in a way to me or
21:09
something like just that bias and all of that from years and
21:12
years. So I just but yeah, the force is
21:14
someone who get behind. My first spiritual experience
21:17
was like the chemical kind when the first time I dropped acid
21:19
and I could see the force when I was a kid.
21:21
Oh, you know, I was a teenager and did that.
21:23
I remember seeing the force and, and like, I mean, there is the,
21:26
you know, where is a gravitational force between all
21:28
of us and everything. So I was able to just sort of
21:31
like use that at the start and like, and you know, and I would
21:35
look up when I had to, you know, who not had to when it was
21:37
suggested I'd start doing meditation and stuff like there
21:40
is YouTube, there's like fun Jedi meditations and that just
21:42
takes days. And so like that was just, you
21:45
know, whatever helps that, you know, get us started on these
21:48
things. And, and like even now really
21:51
like the force of probably how I still sort of like feel about
21:55
high power and lots of ways that I'm actually re watching all of
21:59
the movies at the moment. And like it's making me want to
22:03
go back to martial arts. The other thing is I did karate
22:05
as a kid and I remember my sensei having this like these
22:08
beautiful like philosophies and and, and things like that.
22:11
And I was able to sort of draw on that as well.
22:14
And also my like love of music and things like that.
22:16
Because if there's things that like, you know, I guess
22:18
materialistic science can't always like explain.
22:21
It's like how I feel when I hear live music and or when I dance
22:25
or like that, that creative spirit that humans have like
22:29
that isn't, you know, like 100% explainable with the old, old
22:34
theories and beliefs. I'd go on.
22:35
So all that there are all those tiny little things and
22:39
experiences all added to like me just being the timings be open.
22:44
And I always just think like if, yeah, if you're someone that you
22:48
know, is new and, and the struggling or don't know how you
22:51
can do. I just I just feel like if I can
22:53
open myself up to anyone can, because I just can't believe how
22:56
closed I was for all that time. And and I just I'm so glad I
23:02
kept coming back. And you know, obviously, like,
23:05
like I said, once I got a sponsor and started working the
23:08
steps, that's when like my true like recovery really started.
23:10
But you know, I'm just glad for that year before at least I was
23:13
keeping on coming back. And so if you know someone can
23:16
do at the start is keep coming back.
23:18
That's we know what helped me get on to get finally find the
23:21
solution, because I wasn't certainly wasn't open to hearing
23:24
it was God at the start. And even now, like, you know,
23:28
when, because the people ask me like how I'm OK to after a whole
23:31
life of destruction and and self age and all this, like, how can
23:34
I be doing so well now? And it is asked by people, you
23:37
know, doc, whether it's my GP or whatever.
23:39
And, and I still am. I currently like say dodge, like
23:41
that doesn't sound right. Like, and I, so I kind of like
23:45
still like, because I'm, you know, I guess I have, although I
23:49
don't have the prejudices against that word now, like the
23:52
old me knows that most people like I would have balked at that
23:55
beforehand. If anyone said that to me, I'd
23:57
be like, they're crazy. And so I sort of 12 step stuff,
24:01
you know, it's just that it's just a 12 step stuff I do and
24:04
they can, you know, whatever it is, because to me, that's what
24:07
like I've gotten from this program that no one else could
24:10
have given me is is God, but that couldn't have come from
24:13
anywhere else. It had to come from another
24:15
alcoholic groups of them actually, just like you guys.
24:18
And I think another thing that I was thinking about that helped
24:24
me be open was that I saw a sign at a meeting saying, like, I
24:31
wish I could remember the exact word, but just like, something
24:33
about like, the measure of our anxiety is at the distance of
24:37
faith. Oh, right.
24:40
Is it right there, Eddie? Yeah.
24:42
There's a man's anxiety. Yes.
24:46
The measure of a man's anxiety is the I'm trying to hit.
24:50
Oh, thank you so much. And was like was sorry people in
24:53
the recording is the measure of his distance from God.
24:56
And I think it like clicked to me that it's probably a meeting
24:59
Eddie was running that although this is a coping mechanism and
25:04
it's and it's vastly more than that now.
25:07
But I think, you know, if I needed anything in those early
25:10
days, there's a new coping mechanism.
25:12
And so that like really helped me.
25:14
But OK, so I'm just gonna have this face and I don't.
25:15
And, and Eddie says, you know, first you get hope, then you get
25:19
faith, and then you get trust. And, and I was, I guess getting
25:23
hope, I guess subconsciously from you guys that things could
25:26
be better. And then I was able to develop
25:28
some sort of blind faith that, you know, if I did some of the
25:32
things that Wing suggested that like I could be OK.
25:34
And I just wanted to be OK. I didn't even want to be doing
25:36
great. And, you know, I'm doing more
25:39
than great now. But like at the start, it was
25:41
just, I just want to feel OK for one second because I just had
25:44
this life of feeling so this like deep down turmoil.
25:49
And on the surface, I could settle that all down with with
25:53
whatever chemical get alcohol was so great for.
25:56
And so like on the outside, things could seem cool and I
25:58
could seem a rub it deep down there was just this horrible
26:00
storm of, you know, unrest and discontentment.
26:05
And yeah, now I just feel like it's sort of flipped around.
26:08
Like deep down I have this like knowing that I'll be OK, and I
26:11
need to be reminded by you guys a lot.
26:13
But on the surface, like things get rock and there's weather,
26:16
you know, and it goes up and down, but like there's just this
26:19
deep down knowing now. And I think that was that's the
26:22
spiritual experience for me or awakening or whatever.
26:25
And like I said, I don't exactly know when that happened.
26:27
It was, but like I don't know when I stepped over this like,
26:31
you know, invisible line, but it for in everything has come from
26:36
that that now got always got that to go back to and I don't
26:39
think it's shakeable now. I don't think like once that has
26:42
happened, like no matter what happens, even if you know, like
26:45
I drink again or whatever else I got, now I know that that's
26:48
there and there's this limitless source that comes from deep down
26:53
inside of us that's, you know, God or high power every like to
26:56
call it like I've I've always got.
26:58
I know that there's always going to be like a coping mechanism on
27:02
offer to me. But yeah, vastly more than that.
27:04
And now that spirituality means so much more and that my
27:07
spiritual health is the most important thing because without
27:10
that I didn't take care. I couldn't take care of myself
27:12
physically or mentally. And I, I could really want to,
27:18
but I could never be willing to do anything like that.
27:20
Reading mentions like I'm super undisciplined, really, really
27:23
undisciplined. And, and at the moment, so I
27:27
heard a couple of phrases today and that's where I've been at
27:30
with my like spirituality. And it's like it was in terms of
27:34
business I'm on, I'm doing the like, I think minimal viable
27:37
product. And in terms of the gym guy, I'm
27:42
doing like a minimum effective dose.
27:45
And I can blame my work hours and, and all kinds of things,
27:48
but like really I'm just an undisciplined, like lazy
27:51
alcoholic. And what like I've been the
27:53
practices I've been doing and been keeping me not relatively
27:56
well, you know, in good spirits, you know, no matter what
27:58
happens, like I even when things are bad, they're good because I
28:02
know I'll be OK. And I've always got got that.
28:05
But you know, I'm like at a point where I was thinking,
28:09
speaking, tonight's going to be a good way to, like I said,
28:12
reflect and really like point my focus somewhere.
28:16
And I was reading today about this SHO Shin, the beginner's
28:22
mind. And I think that that's I felt
28:25
like a calling to like be looking into that.
28:27
And I and I have to be growing spiritually or, or I'm, I'm
28:32
going backwards and, and I'm lucky that I go backwards quite
28:34
quickly and that I'm always redirected to like, to my
28:39
spirituality because like, as much as my mind can get run away
28:42
and think it needs all these other things.
28:44
Like, you know, at the moment I'm thinking, I'm not here much.
28:49
Like I'll keep thinking I need this and I need that.
28:51
Like I need a house, you know, I need to be saving for a house
28:54
and I need to be doing this and I need to be doing that.
28:56
And like, I know that it's just like the mind and the ego and
28:59
like, really like, I just have to be here now and that, you
29:03
know, I've got everything I need.
29:04
And if I can't be happy with what I've got now, then I like
29:07
won't be happy with all of the things I've perceived I need on
29:10
the outside. Like, I love this concept of the
29:14
answer Buddhist concept that came across about if you can't
29:16
be happy, like washing your tea cup, then you're not like truly
29:19
going to enjoy the tea you drink out of it.
29:20
And, and I just like, I've learnt so many amazing things
29:25
through you guys. And, and I like the simple way
29:28
to put like the spiritual like programme of action we have is
29:31
to, you know, trust God, clean house and help others.
29:33
And, and the whole helping others thing was there's been
29:38
lots of rude awakenings for me to get the spiritual one.
29:41
And one of them was like, because I was like, I've always
29:43
done everything for others. All I do is do things for
29:46
others. And I'm constantly, I have this
29:47
like pathological self sacrifice.
29:49
And yeah, it was learning that that was actually like selfish
29:52
because giving to get isn't actually giving.
29:55
And the reason I was giving was just just feel like if I wasn't
29:59
a burden, I was just desperate to not feel guilty and like a
30:01
burden in the world. And that was completely
30:03
unfounded. But I felt like if I was
30:05
constantly wasn't doing everything for everyone, then I
30:08
wouldn't be accepted or wouldn't feel good enough or, or you
30:11
wouldn't love me or I wouldn't be OK.
30:14
So yeah, never really, it never really worked giving from this
30:20
empty cup because, yeah, it wasn't given back to me freely.
30:23
And then I was just left resentful at the world that it
30:25
didn't, it wasn't that people weren't loving me right.
30:28
And I wasn't cared about and the world wasn't the way I wanted it
30:32
to be. And there's still things I'd
30:33
love to change out there in the world.
30:34
Like there's lots of news on them as a kid growing up.
30:37
And I still and and today I sometimes still have to cut my
30:40
dad off went because he wakes up every morning and like starts
30:43
the day reading the Guardian. And I just don't know.
30:46
He does it because I just like, yeah, I can't be focused on
30:50
that, like negative stuff too much because, yeah, I'll drink
30:52
on that forever. That the world, like is unjust
30:54
and and that there's suffering everywhere.
30:57
And it's just been so beautiful to like have, you know, my port
31:01
sponsor. I think when I first did my step
31:03
for like, I had all that, all this, a lot of structural
31:06
societal problems as my main resentments because I'm not one
31:09
to hate the player. I hate the game and and it was
31:12
she was just like, oh, but at the end of it, she's like, well,
31:14
you're just not God. And and I just sort of like,
31:17
that was enough at the time. And I keep having to bring
31:19
myself back and just work on being who I want to see in the
31:22
world. And that's the way to medicate
31:23
that stuff that, you know, there is so much unjust stuff and to
31:27
really focus on the positive contribution I can make.
31:30
And, and the crazy thing, all I wanted, I think as a kid was to
31:34
be happy and then and then realizing that wasn't going to
31:37
be a thing. All I wanted to was to feel OK
31:40
and to not want to die all the time.
31:41
And and it was just this constant pursuit of needing to,
31:45
to do that and with chemicals or whatever other way.
31:48
But now I'm now my like main focus is that that just to be
31:53
useful to others. And a like incredible byproduct
31:57
of that is like a happiness and contentment that I've never been
32:00
known. And it is not like, you know,
32:04
once it's found, it's there forever.
32:05
I have to keep cultivating that and it comes through that like
32:09
helping of others, but like I'm giving freely of others.
32:11
But that's to that's to come from like a full cup.
32:14
So it means I've got to be like cleaning that house and trusting
32:17
that God and and taking care of myself in a way that means that
32:20
I can give freely and not need anything back all the time
32:23
because that that that old way didn't work.
32:26
So while it was rude to learn that that that was a selfish way
32:30
of self sacrifice, it's just been immeasurably good insight
32:34
to know and self knowledge is like always enough.
32:37
I need to, you know, keep working on it in ways and keep
32:40
being that spiritual seeker and not the morning readings and and
32:44
listening to you guys is just something helps so much with
32:48
that. And at the end of the day, like
32:49
got like somehow this undisciplined alcoholic like can
32:53
do like some discipline things if it if it is in with the
32:59
intention of being useful for others.
33:00
And like, I didn't think I was going to be able to get off
33:03
nicotine. Like I just, you know, just like
33:06
when it got like real crazy. Obviously in early recovery, I
33:11
was just like when I got out of rehab, I was like a 12 year old
33:14
boy again, or just, or one was like energy drinks, vapes and
33:17
porn, you know, like it was just like lived on hot chips and ice
33:19
cream. Like then you have to like grow
33:22
up a lot, but the nicotine couldn't have.
33:25
I really wanted to give it up. I was getting lung infections
33:27
and and all sorts. And like I was, you know, I got,
33:30
I just was like, yeah, it was so hard to feed that habit because,
33:33
well, because I can't do it a normal amount.
33:35
I was living beyond my means financially with it And and I
33:40
just, that'll be the new like sponsor, which, and there's, you
33:42
know, for no other reason, I just felt this like intuitive
33:45
might pull to ask her to be my sponsor.
33:47
And, and it was just this simple thing.
33:49
I'm like, Oh, well, you've I've just turned 5 years sober.
33:51
I was like, Oh, well, that's all, you know, you've been so
33:53
long enough. And and I was like, Oh, yeah, I
33:56
can't know. You know, I've tried and
33:57
whatever I want to, but blah, blah.
33:59
And it was just something the way she framed it of being like,
34:02
oh, but like be the example of what this program and what God
34:06
can do. And, and it was removed.
34:09
Like I struggled with the withdrawals and, and lots of
34:11
other things. And that was the first time I'd
34:13
felt a chemical withdrawal in five years.
34:14
And I'd burst into tears because it was just like this, like
34:17
trauma of what it was like coming off all of the other
34:20
things that was chemically addicted to.
34:22
But it just, it never came back. And I just, I can't believe that
34:27
I've gone over a couple of years now without nicotine.
34:29
And I just didn't think that would be possible.
34:31
And all the times I've wanted it, but there's just no like,
34:33
yeah, no actual desire to go back.
34:35
And that is that that such like magic to me.
34:37
And the whole time I was just doing it for for me or like,
34:41
because I think I should or it's bad for my health or whatever,
34:43
it just hadn't worked. And those motivations can be
34:46
like really good for normal people, But I guess they're just
34:48
like, there's still that part, like part of me and I have to
34:52
love her and that part of me that has this core belief that,
34:55
you know, they're not worth anything and, and all of that.
34:57
And, and as long as that, you know, that was going to be
35:00
around, I was never going to be able to give up for me because
35:02
like the the efforts could like, you know, the efforts, I'll just
35:05
do it, you know, is real easy for me still.
35:08
Like I can have really good intentions to do things still
35:12
that I can't like live up to like go to bed at a reasonable
35:14
hour or, you know, just like these days, there are a lot less
35:18
lethal the things that like I find myself giving into.
35:21
But yeah, I just, I still, I'm baffled that that one is because
35:24
that's new. I think like, you know, it's
35:26
normal for me to not drink now and not want to drink.
35:28
Like I I get to live free now. So this program, like I thought
35:32
that we just had to keep, you know, sucking each other up, but
35:36
this whole time to not to not give into it.
35:38
But I've had through the 12 steps and hanging out with you
35:42
guys and all the things I have been inspired to do in
35:45
Alcoholics Anonymous in terms of service and, and things like
35:48
that. I like have not yeah, had the
35:51
desire at all to drink. And other people can make it
35:54
look real nice. Normal people can make bring,
35:56
but it was never nice for me. And and yeah, I thought, yeah, I
36:00
just thought that that was going to be a struggle forever.
36:02
Like I had that whole thing coming into it.
36:04
I'm like, what am I going to do at Christmas and what am I going
36:06
to do? What my dad does and what I'm
36:07
going to do and this and that. And it just doesn't into my
36:09
mind. And like I originally did it put
36:12
just for my dad and now all like I'd make bargains of like, I can
36:16
start again when I'm like 50. Well, like when I'm retired or
36:20
like, and it just kept creeping forwards.
36:21
And now I just can't imagine going back because I've just
36:24
lived such a full and rich life and everything I wanted from
36:27
alcohol, like I get from, from God and from you guys.
36:32
And that's the, that's just the bare minimum.
36:34
And that's the minimum I get, I get so much more than that.
36:38
And I, I just get, I get to live free and be, be around as you
36:44
know, like I'd, I'm get to be designated driver weddings and I
36:49
get to be useful at length. I did like 3 weddings last year
36:53
where I got to be like MC and, and have all these other
36:55
responsibilities and Dr. everyone home on the buses.
36:58
And it just like I have so much fun doing it.
37:01
And people think it's some sort of I got my family.
37:04
I don't know. They, they think it's some kind
37:06
of yeah, right thing, all that they, they.
37:09
And I'm just like, no, it's not, it's not me.
37:11
Like it's I didn't do anything. All I've done is keep coming
37:14
back to Alcoholics Anonymous and like follow a few simple
37:17
suggestions and sometimes 3 gritted teeth and, and it's just
37:21
allow me to live freely of, of that.
37:25
Yeah, horrible. Need to go rot myself off all
37:29
the time and, and nowadays when I'm like when, when my mind gets
37:33
busy and I want to escape like I have other ways and they're not
37:37
always the first thing I think of.
37:38
And that's why I'll need a sponsor forever because I'll
37:41
always need to be reminded of some of the real basic things
37:44
like to just go go and, you know, have 10 deep breaths if,
37:48
if it's just that or whatever it is.
37:50
And I often think of Alcoholics Anonymous like a, in the same
37:56
way that a pilot like it just puts me on the path.
38:00
And the analogy I use is this one is that like a pilot, all
38:03
they do it like the fly path is all mapped.
38:06
And after takeoff, it's all just like automatic, but there's
38:09
weather and there's all sorts of things.
38:11
And the pilot's job is to just keep putting it back on the
38:13
path. And I feel like that's alcohol.
38:15
It's anonymous for me with my like, spiritual journey and
38:19
pathway in life. And what I'm meant to do is that
38:21
like, I can go off course because of weather and the mind
38:24
and the ego that's always, you know, thinking about me and
38:28
wanting my comforts. And yeah, you guys with the help
38:33
of like the steps and, and the service and, and the practices
38:36
that have been suggested, I do it just guide me back on course.
38:40
When I get distracted with whatever things that might make
38:44
I might think I need or make me feel good for a minute.
38:47
I keep getting guided back back to like a spiritual way of
38:51
living, which, yeah, is, is to be useful, I guess.
38:54
And it's really fun. Like, it can be really fun.
38:56
I said, you know, like my, my main objective in life is to be
39:00
useful, but the second one is to kind of like have fun about it.
39:03
And, and it is. And there's lots of like amazing
39:07
things to do that I've learnt in this fellowship through going to
39:10
camps and through putting on events.
39:12
Like I've just learnt to be able to have so much fun in that self
39:16
sacrifice. It's not this like doom and
39:18
gloom and that they'll be forever just like in this bland
39:22
everything's about service life. Like it's so colourful and
39:25
vibrant and you get to meet the most amazing people.
39:28
Like I just love that, you know, I can go overseas and go to a
39:32
meeting and I just walk in and they're just, they're strangers,
39:35
but they're friends. And, and I get to like meet
39:38
incredible people. And we're all connected by, by
39:41
this common problem and common solution.
39:43
And it's just, it's incredible. I like I had no idea that I was
39:47
able to live like this and and that that I could have that like
39:53
sense of peace and and it isn't like easy to keep or or like to
39:58
maintain. And I've recently got my
40:00
motorbike learners, which is like we a little rosy, so
40:04
amazingly excited, but like I was almost like weeping
40:06
describing this, like quiet that happens when because there's so
40:10
many little things I've got to concentrate on as this new rider
40:12
I'm going through and just the, you know, going through low
40:15
before that was like this like breathtaking views.
40:17
And I just can't believe I get to do this thing.
40:19
OK, yeah. Like I just never would have
40:22
been able to manage that without, like without
40:24
Alcoholics. It's Anonymous.
40:25
Like any little thing in my life that I get to do that's amazing.
40:27
And I just get this quiet and it's and it's because I have to
40:31
be here now. Like I have to be in that
40:33
present moment and there's nothing else.
40:34
And. And like I've felt that without
40:37
and like I can't always rely on going on a motorbike to do that.
40:39
So. But I've felt that from that,
40:41
simply just being in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous and
40:44
doing those things and being like redirected to being here
40:47
now. And I just am in a place where
40:52
I'm so like excited for my next chapter.
40:55
Like it's been, there's changes going on.
40:57
Like after seven years of recovery, I've been constantly
41:00
running around trying to make up for lost time and do a million
41:05
things. And I've had multiple jobs at
41:06
the same time and studying and all these things and all these
41:09
committees. And it's been like amazing and
41:11
so good. But I'm like in a place where
41:13
I'm going to like learn how to maybe just, yeah, so slow down
41:17
and soften and and it's just a new a new chapter to go into.
41:21
And I've heard of people getting sort of like that, you know, the
41:24
seven-year each or something. And it's I don't think it's
41:26
anything like that. I think it's just, well, you
41:29
know, I don't think it's a negative thing as such, but it
41:31
the gift of of being with you guys and, you know, having
41:35
access to you forever. Is that like I'm constantly
41:38
getting to grow and change and however much I'm willing to do,
41:41
I'm I'm able to, to get into grow and to be more useful out
41:45
there. And I Oh yeah, like I said, like
41:49
recently just being like rediscovering my like love of
41:54
the force and, and and those concepts that like, I guess like
41:58
I always wanted to have, but like didn't I couldn't access, I
42:03
couldn't live up to it. Always one out in the end to to
42:06
go back to like my creature comforts and yeah, just being
42:10
able to finally live. Oh my goodness.
42:12
I've gone way over time. Why didn't stop me?
42:15
Yeah, just all those years of wishing I could be someone else.
42:18
Like I finally just feel like I'm the person that I always
42:21
drank on. Not being like actually be a be
42:25
yeah, be who I yearn to be in lots of ways and hated myself
42:30
for not being because yeah, I get to be true to my word now
42:32
and be useful and, and get up and show up to things I never
42:37
thought I ever could. And I'm very sorry for banging
42:39
on so much, but I'm I'm just. I could talk forever about what
42:43
I've got from Alcoholics Anonymous and what, what I want
42:46
for everyone else in in the world.
42:47
And like, if you're here, then you've you've got access to
42:51
work, a life beyond your wildest dreams.
42:52
So thank you so much. I can't.
42:54
Wait A A has more than two million recovering Alcoholics
42:58
throughout the world. In Australia there are about
43:02
18,000 members. They're made in over 2000 local
43:07
meetings spread around the country.
43:10
Meetings range in size from a handful in some areas to
43:14
hundreds or more in larger communities.
43:17
And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
43:22
issues, please call Alcoholics Announcing 1300 Double 00000 or
43:28
visit their website on aa.org dot AU.