Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #57 Schoolies

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#57 Schoolies · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: This is the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coilson.
0:07
Speaker 1: We are Lukinsuzi and this is the podcast for time
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Speaker 1: poor parents who just want answers. Now.
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Speaker 2: It is just about to officially start schoolies twenty seventeen.
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Speaker 2: It's always one of those times of year that we
0:22
Speaker 2: want to celebrate with those people who are in our
0:24
Speaker 2: community finishing high school. But at the same time there's
0:27
Speaker 2: that little bit of fear. We hope they're okay, what's
0:29
Speaker 2: going to happen? What are the stories that come out
0:31
Speaker 2: on the news.
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Speaker 1: It's when our young people and some slightly older that
0:35
Speaker 1: aren't supposed to be there to travel to usually coastal
0:39
Speaker 1: sort of party towns and go into an environment where
0:42
Speaker 1: they just want to have a good time, let their
0:45
Speaker 1: hair down. Let's let them do it. But so many
0:48
Speaker 1: silly decisions are made, well, in reality, if you have
0:51
Speaker 1: a look at it, so few silly decisions, really silly
0:54
Speaker 1: decisions are made, but they're big consequences.
0:56
Speaker 2: Well, that's exactly right. To talk us through this whole schoolies.
0:59
Speaker 2: What do we know to do? We've got doctor Justin
1:01
Speaker 2: Coles from Happy Families dot com dot au. This is
1:04
Speaker 2: something you need to be I guess, on top of
1:06
Speaker 2: every you must have a lot of conversations about schoolies.
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Speaker 3: Surely with my daughter who's going this year. Thanks for
1:13
Speaker 3: bringing it up.
1:15
Speaker 2: So you're saying, because a lot of families are coming
1:17
Speaker 2: up with alternatives like big family holidays instead of schoolies,
1:21
Speaker 2: but you're saying she can go.
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Speaker 3: Oh, well, look we've had the big family holiday. But
1:26
Speaker 3: regardless of the timing, once your kids are eighteen, it's
1:30
Speaker 3: kind of hard to say you're not going. If they
1:32
Speaker 3: want to go, they'll find a way. And I know
1:35
Speaker 3: that there are some people who say, look, it's my house,
1:37
Speaker 3: it's my rules. But for the most part, most parents
1:42
Speaker 3: that I talk to who have got kids that are
1:44
Speaker 3: eighteen years old are saying, we really don't want them to.
1:47
Speaker 3: We're advising them against it, but ultimately it's going to
1:49
Speaker 3: be their decision. And we've said to our daughter, we
1:53
Speaker 3: would prefer that you don't go, quite clearly, but it's
1:57
Speaker 3: her decision. And so there's a there's all sorts of
2:01
Speaker 3: things that she's got lined up, and schoolies is part
2:03
Speaker 3: of the I finished school celebration for her for a
2:07
Speaker 3: couple of days.
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Speaker 1: Let me guess the most common things that have said
2:10
Speaker 1: during these conversations, you just need to trust me, And
2:13
Speaker 1: then the parent says, it's not you, I don't trust
2:15
Speaker 1: something like that. I reckon, that's probably said a few times.
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Speaker 3: I reckon, you've been practicing for what's going to happen
2:20
Speaker 3: in ten years, right.
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Speaker 1: Luke exactly.
2:23
Speaker 2: This is the thing as parents sending children off at
2:26
Speaker 2: this time of year. We want to trust our children,
2:28
Speaker 2: we want but we also want to arm them. But
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Speaker 2: how do you even have that conversation that we don't
2:34
Speaker 2: want to scare them. We want them to enjoy it,
2:35
Speaker 2: We want them to have a good time.
2:36
Speaker 3: The reality is you can't trust them. They go to schoolies.
2:39
Speaker 3: You know, let's be real about it. What happens at schoolies.
2:43
Speaker 3: Everybody does stuff that parents would rather their kids not do.
2:48
Speaker 3: It would be really I was a good schoolie, you
2:51
Speaker 3: were a good school I was a really good There
2:53
Speaker 3: are some good ones, I'm but look, it's a risky
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Speaker 3: environment and so the conversation essentially needs to go like this,
3:00
Speaker 3: we want you to make good decisions. What are you
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Speaker 3: planning on doing. We don't want you to take anything
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Speaker 3: that could harm you. What do you intend to do
3:10
Speaker 3: if an opportunity to take a substance arises and you
3:14
Speaker 3: don't know enough about that substance or you know it's
3:16
Speaker 3: illicit or unhealthy. And lastly, we want to talk about
3:21
Speaker 3: intimacy and make sure that no poor decisions are going
3:25
Speaker 3: to be made around that, regardless of the conversations that
3:27
Speaker 3: we have. I hate to say it, but most kids
3:30
Speaker 3: are going to do whatever the heck they want while
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Speaker 3: they're there because they're caught up in the moment. And look,
3:35
Speaker 3: it's got to be hard when you haven't got a
3:36
Speaker 3: fully developed prefrontal cortex. Yeah, and it just looks like fun.
3:39
Speaker 3: And so we're going to do it because we're in
3:40
Speaker 3: the moment. You only live once, and I don't want
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Speaker 3: to get to thirty and regret all the stuff that
3:43
Speaker 3: I didn't do until you get to thirty and you
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Speaker 3: regret the stuff that you did.
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Speaker 2: As long as and I think as long as our children.
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Speaker 2: Our children need to do what they want to do,
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Speaker 2: not what their friends want them.
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Speaker 3: And that's a really important thing right there. We need
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Speaker 3: to teach them to be strong enough to do what
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Speaker 3: they feel is right. But there are kids who are
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Speaker 3: going to schoolies who absolutely feel that it's perfectly all
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Speaker 3: right to have intimate relationships with strangers, and to consume
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Speaker 3: substances that they know nothing about that just you know,
4:16
Speaker 3: are on the promise that it's going to be awesome
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Speaker 3: if you do it. There are kids who aren't going
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Speaker 3: to be questioning those kinds of things. They're going to
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Speaker 3: just be excited about. It's a real taste of freedom.
4:26
Speaker 3: I think that the most important thing that we can
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Speaker 3: say to our children is if you're in trouble, no
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Speaker 3: matter what that trouble is, call and I will come
4:36
Speaker 3: or I will get your help. I don't care if
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Speaker 3: it's three in the morning, I don't care what the
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Speaker 3: trouble is. You need to know that I'm going to
4:45
Speaker 3: be there for you or old get help for you.
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Speaker 3: They need to know that, however dumb they end up being,
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Speaker 3: because all the conversations in the world are going to
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Speaker 3: prevent dumb decisions, that we're there for them. I think
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Speaker 3: that that's key. And the other thing, of course, is
5:00
Speaker 3: by a really good set of restraints and hand them
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Speaker 3: so that they can't get out.
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Speaker 1: The interesting thing when we've discussed this before, because you
5:10
Speaker 1: don't get to just say that at schoolies and having
5:14
Speaker 1: not be a part of your parenting before that point,
5:16
Speaker 1: like if you go, if you've been the hard task
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Speaker 1: master where every time they made a mistake you came
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Speaker 1: down on him hard, regardless of how you found out
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Speaker 1: about it, and then at schoolies you say, no, matter
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Speaker 1: what it is, you know, just give me a call,
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Speaker 1: like that communication line is not there. If what we
5:30
Speaker 1: do as parents before that point shows the opposite behavior,
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Speaker 1: they're not. They're unlikely to trust us with a mistake
5:37
Speaker 1: that they've half made if we haven't shown the trust
5:41
Speaker 1: trustworthiness of that. And it's interesting because I went through
5:44
Speaker 1: this eight year old who was so scared to tell
5:46
Speaker 1: me that he took the money that we gave him
5:48
Speaker 1: for something and went and bought a coke with it
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Speaker 1: and we don't let him have coke and cateen heknew
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Speaker 1: and he didn't want to tell daddy. He told Mummy
5:54
Speaker 1: he didn't want to tell daddy because he just he
5:55
Speaker 1: knew I was going to come.
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Speaker 2: And I was.
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Speaker 1: Confronted with this to go because because he didn't actually
6:00
Speaker 1: get into trouble like I went, you know that we
6:02
Speaker 1: don't think that was a good decision and that you
6:04
Speaker 1: shouldn't have done that. But you know what we can
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Speaker 1: learn We can have a conversation about that, and there
6:08
Speaker 1: was no hard line. You're in trouble. Thank you for
6:10
Speaker 1: telling us, was what we said, and let's work through
6:12
Speaker 1: what a better choice could have been next time. And
6:15
Speaker 1: I was really gotten onto. When he gets a teenager,
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Speaker 1: I want him not to think if I tell doubt
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Speaker 1: half a mistake, he's going to rip into me, Versus
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Speaker 1: Dad's going to be reasonable and help me work through
6:27
Speaker 1: and be a problem solver in.
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Speaker 3: This for me to some extent, the decisions that kids
6:32
Speaker 3: make once they're adults. What's there on schoolies, once they've
6:36
Speaker 3: gone off to universities, staying at college, whatever it might
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Speaker 3: be that they're doing. The decisions that they make and
6:43
Speaker 3: the way that they communicate with us, will we based
6:46
Speaker 3: on not what we did in the week leading up
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Speaker 3: to it, but what we did in the eighteen years
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Speaker 3: leading up to it. We set the foundation. And now
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Speaker 3: that's not always going to be the case. There are
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Speaker 3: going to be some kids who will have been raised
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Speaker 3: in beautiful homes with loving parents. Those kids will not
7:00
Speaker 3: have put a foot out of line their entire youth,
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Speaker 3: and then all of a sudden they're going to unleash
7:08
Speaker 3: themselves and go bananas. That does happen. It's unusual, but
7:12
Speaker 3: it does happen. And so as parents, I think the
7:14
Speaker 3: best thing that we can do, like I said, is
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Speaker 3: start young, teach them what's right, and then when they
7:20
Speaker 3: do make that decision, whether they're sixteen and they want
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Speaker 3: to head off to a party that one of the
7:25
Speaker 3: kids in their grade is having and there's not going
7:27
Speaker 3: to be any parental supervision and there's probably going to
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Speaker 3: be alcohol and other substances, or whether they're eighteen and
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Speaker 3: they're heading away for the week so that they can
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Speaker 3: party on the Gold Coast or in Victor Harbor or
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Speaker 3: wherever it is that they're going to have their big party,
7:40
Speaker 3: or even if they're going off to Balley or Fiji,
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Speaker 3: you know, doing all that sort of stuff. We just
7:46
Speaker 3: need to hope that what we've taught them over the
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Speaker 3: years has been enough.
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Speaker 1: On a practical level. And I know Justin's the expert here,
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Speaker 1: Can I throw some two cents worth in As a
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Speaker 1: guy who's had to withhold account of peer pressure for drinking,
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Speaker 1: don't teacher kids to not let somebody else buy your
8:01
Speaker 1: drinks for you. And because there's so much peer pressure,
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Speaker 1: I use because I would go, I'll have a beer
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Speaker 1: or two, and then I'll drink soda water and then
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Speaker 1: and it's fine because nobody knows what's in your glass.
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Speaker 1: And you know, no one until they go to buy
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Speaker 1: for you. And then you go, I'll have a soda
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Speaker 1: water or a coke or it and they go no, no, no,
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Speaker 1: and they start to put mount so much pressure on
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Speaker 1: you that they're buying. They're shouting you now, I'm gonna
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Speaker 1: get you something else. In times when they've relent been
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Speaker 1: relentless for ten minutes, refuse like just wanting me to
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Speaker 1: buy alcohol. No, I'm not going to or come back
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Speaker 1: and just refuse to buy them, and so they've given
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Speaker 1: me something which is alcoholic. I've even had a barmin
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Speaker 1: when I had a free drink thing and used it
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Speaker 1: for a coke when no, you confuse that, and so
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Speaker 1: he actually gave me free drinks because he refused to
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Speaker 1: take the free drink tab on a soft drink, like
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Speaker 1: there is so much pressure on it. Whereas I made
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Speaker 1: a decision I'm not letting anybody else shot me drink
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Speaker 1: so that I don't have to justify they see you
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Speaker 1: drink in my hand. No one thinks twice about it. It
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Speaker 1: minimizes the peer pressure incredibly when it comes to whether
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Speaker 1: you're drinking alcohol or not.
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Speaker 3: There's all sorts of things around around safety and personal
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Speaker 3: leadership that we could talk about, like you know, making
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Speaker 3: decisions about who will buy you drinks or not letting
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Speaker 3: anyone buy a drink, or watching what happens with the drink,
9:10
Speaker 3: making sure you don't go back to people's units. And
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Speaker 3: I mean the list is long. We could talk about
9:16
Speaker 3: that for a very very long time. I think that
9:17
Speaker 3: every family, though, needs to just parents need to sit
9:21
Speaker 3: down and have those conversations with their kids. Maybe talk
9:24
Speaker 3: to other parents whose kids have been away and find
9:26
Speaker 3: out what they would advise. Talk to the people in
9:30
Speaker 3: your life who you trust and get that sort of information.
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Speaker 3: Look at the end of the day, whether the kids
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Speaker 3: do it now with schoolies because they're old enough, or
9:37
Speaker 3: whether they start doing it once they head off to
9:39
Speaker 3: UNI or once they head off to work or once
9:41
Speaker 3: they go away on that trip, these kinds of things
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Speaker 3: eventually do happen. Schoolies is a pressure cooker. Schoolies is
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Speaker 3: this place where everybody's in there and everybody's doing it.
9:52
Speaker 3: But these sorts of decisions ultimately going to need to
9:55
Speaker 3: be made for the rest of their lives. And we've
9:57
Speaker 3: at some point we've got to actually let go of
9:59
Speaker 3: our kids and say you're an adult. It's now your life,
10:02
Speaker 3: it's your path. It's a hard thing to do.
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Speaker 1: What's the consequence of justin if someone not taking that
10:07
Speaker 1: advice and just going, you know, I don't care whether
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Speaker 1: you're eighteen, you're under my roof and just you're not going,
10:13
Speaker 1: because because in a sense, that parent who's passionate about
10:15
Speaker 1: that opinion could say, well, if I do that and
10:18
Speaker 1: it works, then they don't go and they're alive. If
10:21
Speaker 1: I don't do that, if I relent and let them
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Speaker 1: go and something bad happens, then how will I live
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Speaker 1: with myself? And in a sense, it's this hypothetical risk
10:29
Speaker 1: that so many of us parents that we're willing to
10:31
Speaker 1: do something harsh and maybe not wise.
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Speaker 3: So much of this comes down to the child and
10:35
Speaker 3: the parent. So I know some adolescents that I've worked with.
10:39
Speaker 3: I have one myself who if you say, I don't
10:43
Speaker 3: care what you say, you're not going. There'll be a
10:45
Speaker 3: hole in the window the next day and that child
10:48
Speaker 3: will be gone. And I've worked with plenty of parents
10:50
Speaker 3: who have had kids like that, where the more forceful
10:53
Speaker 3: you come, the more crazy those kids become in order
10:56
Speaker 3: to assert their independence. And so I would say to parents,
11:00
Speaker 3: make sure that you're not trying to deal with one
11:01
Speaker 3: of those kids, because if you are, they'll be gone.
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Speaker 3: And all of a sudden, you get into this tussle
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Speaker 3: where you're saying, that's it, you're out, you're never coming home,
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Speaker 3: you're not my son, you're not my daughter, and all
11:10
Speaker 3: of a sudden, families fall apart over these power trips,
11:13
Speaker 3: and that's exactly what they are. Then you have the
11:17
Speaker 3: kids who are going to be compliant. The parents say
11:20
Speaker 3: that's it, I've had enough, you're not going end of conversation,
11:23
Speaker 3: and they sit there and they do as they're told.
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Speaker 3: And if you've got a child who will do that, well,
11:28
Speaker 3: then you get to have that conversation with them and
11:31
Speaker 3: they'll probably be okay, but they probably would have been
11:33
Speaker 3: okay anyway.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
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Speaker 3: So I think that we've got to be really mindful
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Speaker 3: of the child and the individual attributes of the child,
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Speaker 3: and to the extent that it's possible, just guide them
11:43
Speaker 3: to make good decisions. Again, they're going to have to
11:45
Speaker 3: make those decisions for themselves.
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Speaker 1: Eventually, the school has happen everywhere in the world, because
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Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about leaving the country. In the latest
11:51
Speaker 1: stages of our boys life, got spring break in America,
11:57
Speaker 1: You've got schoolies in Australia. I'm just trying to think,
11:59
Speaker 1: is there a country that doesn't do Madagascar? What's the
12:01
Speaker 1: party life in Madagascar? Who finishes less?
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Speaker 2: I'm just gonna hope that it's my genes that are
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Speaker 2: for schoolies.
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Speaker 1: That's Susie was always a good girl, justin always a
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Speaker 1: good girl. Made the stupid decisions, but I made them
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Speaker 1: well and truly before schooling age.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it's not a male female thing, but
12:20
Speaker 3: males are a little bit behind, and they're a little
12:24
Speaker 3: bit less mature, They're a bit more likely to do
12:26
Speaker 3: some dumb things, a bit more inclined towards risk. But
12:31
Speaker 3: there are plenty of girls who want to rebel. There's
12:32
Speaker 3: plenty of girls who just want to live their life
12:34
Speaker 3: and do it their way and be popular and be
12:36
Speaker 3: cool and as parents. Again, I know, look, I've sounded
12:40
Speaker 3: very serious in this one, but it is. There are
12:42
Speaker 3: some things that we get all uptight about and in
12:45
Speaker 3: a week's time or a year's time, we'll have completely forgotten. Yeah,
12:49
Speaker 3: you know, the lollipop in the supermarket for example. Who cares?
12:53
Speaker 3: I mean, yes, we've got to have limits, but it's
12:55
Speaker 3: not worth losing the plot over. But kids going to
12:58
Speaker 3: schools and doing dumb stuff, this sort of stuff can
13:00
Speaker 3: affect them for the rest of their lives. The conversations
13:02
Speaker 3: need to be had. The kids will do what they'll do.
13:05
Speaker 3: If we've got headstrong kids, if we've got kids who
13:08
Speaker 3: are fairly compliant, then will probably have more luck either way.
13:13
Speaker 3: At some point that kids are going to have to
13:14
Speaker 3: make their own decisions, preferably not at schoolies, but sometimes
13:18
Speaker 3: that's just the way.
13:18
Speaker 2: It is such a big thing to explore. We thank
13:21
Speaker 2: you for having a chat to us about it. Schoolies
13:23
Speaker 2: week just about upon us. If you are a school
13:26
Speaker 2: we hope you have a wonderful and safe but fun time.
13:32
Speaker 1: Don't assumer decisions.
13:34
Speaker 2: It's worth celebrating. Doctor Justin Colson from heavy Families dot
13:37
Speaker 2: com that a you thanks so much for your time pleasure.
13:39
Speaker 1: Well.
13:39
Speaker 2: For more information on how you can get this parenting
13:43
Speaker 2: thing under control, you can go online to happy Families
13:46
Speaker 2: dot com dot au for more resources there, but if
13:49
Speaker 2: you're interested in having doctor Justin Colson speak at your
13:51
Speaker 2: community group, organization, or event, you can find out more
13:54
Speaker 2: about that at Justinculson dot com