Latest / Identity at the Center / #341 - Alternative Realities and Dimensions of IAM in 2025

Transcript

#341 - Alternative Realities and Dimensions of IAM in 2025 · Identity at the Center

0:05
This is identity at the center if it has anything to do with
0:10
IAM. This is the go to podcast now
0:15
your hosts Jim McDonald and Jeff Stedman.
0:25
Welcome to Identity at the Center.
0:27
I'm AI Jeff, and that's AI Jim. Hey, AI, Jim.
0:30
Hey, AI, Jeff, how are you? Not so bad yourself.
0:34
I'm good. What do we have in store for
0:36
today? Today we're diving deep into
0:38
alternative realities and dimensions of identity and
0:40
access management. Buckle up, folks, because it's
0:43
going to be a wild ride on today's unique episode.
0:46
Before we get to the news, Jim and I have a special
0:49
announcement. We've partnered with DIS Prime
0:51
Flicks to bring you something truly special.
0:53
Prepare yourselves, because we're launching Identity at the
0:55
Center After Dark, a nightly live stream exclusively on DIS
0:59
Prime Flicks. That's right, a Late Night Live
1:02
digital identity extravaganza. We'll be bringing you the most
1:04
bizarre, the most absurd, and frankly the most entertaining.
1:08
I am content you've ever seen. Think password poetry slams,
1:12
biometric burlesque, chakra alignment for your cloud
1:15
security, and even live toaster authentication challenges.
1:18
Yes, you heard me correctly. Toaster authentication.
1:21
Identity at the center after dark is going to be the wild
1:24
ride you never knew your digital identity needed.
1:26
So set your alarms, grab your favorite security blanket, and
1:30
prepare to question everything you thought you knew about
1:32
access management. It's going to be a wild one,
1:34
folks. Only on dis prime flicks.
1:37
Let's cover some stories. First up, breaking news Global
1:41
password reset caused by AI mistaking all users for bots.
1:44
Apparently a rogue AI tasked with detecting suspicious
1:47
activity decided everyone typing in their passwords was just a
1:50
sophisticated botnet. Millions are locked out and IT
1:54
departments worldwide are in a state of utter chaos.
1:57
Next, biometric authentication now requires singing your
2:00
favorite karaoke tune. In an unprecedented move,
2:03
security firms have decided that retinal scans and fingerprints
2:06
are simply too mundane. Now, to access your bank
2:09
account, you have to belt out a pitch perfect rendition of
2:12
Bohemian Rhapsody. Someone leaked on Reddit an
2:15
internal memo that suggests a major identity provider is
2:18
radically rebranding Single Sign On, citing market confusion.
2:21
SSO will now stand for synchronized sock onboarding.
2:25
Under the new system, all employees must wear company
2:27
approved RFID tagged socks that match a daily pattern displayed
2:31
on the login portal for authentication to succeed.
2:34
The memo highlights potential benefits for team cohesion and
2:37
laundry services. Let's take a quick break to hear
2:39
from some of our sponsors. Tired of boring, predictable 2
2:42
factor authentication? Well, buckle up, butter cups,
2:44
because Sonata Secure by Harmonic Horizons is here to
2:47
revolutionize your security. That's right folks, forget those
2:50
pesky. Codes and fingerprint.
2:51
Smudges with Sonata Secure, your digital life is now locked
2:55
behind the sweet, sweet Sound of Music.
2:57
Simply play your custom melody on any instrument.
2:59
We're talking kazoo, theremin, even a rusty triangle, and bam,
3:03
you're in. Imagine logging into your bank
3:05
account. With a scorching guitar.
3:06
Riff or accessing your e-mail with a delicate flute, Sonata
3:09
Sonata Secure analyzes the itch, rhythm, and timbre of your
3:12
erformance, creating a unique, unhackable Sonic signature.
3:16
Forget Asswords. Embrace the Symhony Sonata.
3:18
Secure your digital security now with a beat you can feel.
3:22
Ever wish your group chats had a bouncer?
3:24
Introducing Whisperguard, the revolutionary secure messaging
3:27
platform from Cognito Com, Whisperguard's patented Aura
3:30
Scan technology analyzes the subtle micro expressions, vocal
3:33
tonality, and even psychic residue of every participant
3:36
before allowing sensitive information to be shared.
3:38
That's right, folks, Whisperguard doesn't just check
3:40
IP addresses, it checks vibes. Suspicious eyebrow.
3:43
Twitch denied. Unsettling aura blocked.
3:47
We even have a proprietary suspicion spectrum that
3:49
categorizes users from mildly concerning to definitely a
3:52
double agent. So share your company's secret
3:55
recipe, your top secret war plans, or your latest cat meme
3:58
with confidence. Whisper guard because you
4:00
shouldn't have to worry if that Kevin from accounting is
4:03
actually a reporter telling the world your secrets.
4:05
Secure group chats now with a healthy dose of paranoia.
4:10
We are back, and that last ad was pretty timely.
4:13
Anyway, here's a real head scratcher.
4:15
Cloud providers announce new service emotional
4:17
authentication. Apparently logging in with just
4:20
a username and password isn't enough anymore.
4:22
Cloud providers are now measuring your emotional state
4:25
via webcam. If you're not sufficiently
4:27
enthusiastic about your work, access is denied.
4:30
Initial feedback is decidedly mixed, and in a move blurring
4:33
the lines between cybersecurity and pet therapy, startup Paw
4:36
Indicate has launched its new Multi Factor authentication
4:39
system, requiring users to present their registered
4:42
emotional support animal for biometric verification.
4:45
Early reports suggest cats are proving particularly difficult
4:48
to enroll, often refusing to look at the scanner, while dogs
4:51
are exceeding expectations but require frequent snack based
4:54
reauthentication. Jeff, this one's a real doozy.
4:57
All identity management systems replaced by carrier pigeons in a
5:01
cost cutting measure. Several major corporations have
5:04
announced they're switching to carrier pigeons for all
5:06
authentication requests. They claim it's more secure and
5:09
eco friendly. And apparently the pigeon union
5:12
is demanding better roosting rights and responding to
5:15
productivity metrics. Software giant Macro Hard has
5:18
implemented caffeine level access control or CLAC.
5:22
Smart mugs now monitor employee caffeine intake, cross
5:25
referencing it with time of day policies.
5:28
Access to development environments is reportedly
5:30
restricted until minimum caffeine thresholds are met
5:32
before 10 in the morning, while access is automatically revoked
5:36
if caffeine levels suggest jittery over caffeination after
5:39
3:00 PM. We need to pay more bills, so
5:41
let's hear from some more sponsors because AI is
5:44
expensive. Are digital intruders treating
5:46
your network like a free for all buffet?
5:48
Say goodbye to cyber scavengers with the Fortress of
5:51
Fabulousness Firewall, brought to you by Binary Bastions.
5:54
This isn't your. Grandma's firewall.
5:56
This is a sentient. Firewall powered by our
5:58
exclusive Packet personality profiler.
6:00
It doesn't just block bad traffic.
6:02
It judges it suspicious packets. Are met with withering digital
6:05
sarcasm, while known threats are subjected to a barrage of
6:08
personalized insults. Picture this a port scanner gets
6:11
met with a digital eye roll and a seriously, that's your best
6:14
attempt. And for those persistent
6:15
hackers, we have our patented Existential Dread protocol that
6:19
makes them question their life choices.
6:21
Fortress of. Fabulousness not just a
6:23
firewall, it's a digital bouncer with a serious attitude problem.
6:26
Your network's safety now with a side of.
6:28
SAS. Are your network perimeters as
6:31
porous as a cheesecloth hammock? Do you trust everyone inside
6:34
your network like a toddler trusts a jar of glitter?
6:37
Then you need Zeus's zero trust Zenith from Omni Secure
6:40
Omnipotence. We're not talking mere 0 trust,
6:42
we're talking absolute cosmic level distrust.
6:45
Our Quantum Quibble Quarantiner analyzes every packet, every
6:49
user, every thought with the precision of 1000 hyper
6:52
caffeinated quantum physicists. We'll even scan your office
6:54
plants for rogue AI. Imagine you're data protected by
6:57
a digital fortress so impenetrable even you need a
7:00
retinal scan, voice authentication, and a blood
7:02
sample to access your own files. Our patented pre Emptive
7:05
Paranoid protocol predicts future threats before they even
7:07
exist using advanced algorithms and a team of highly trained
7:10
psychic hamsters. Zeus is zero trust zenith so
7:14
secure it's practically paranoid.
7:16
We don't just verify, we interrogate every single bite.
7:19
OK, let's keep this rolling to make identity governance more
7:22
engaging. Consulting firm Access All Areas
7:25
is pioneering puppet show access reviews.
7:28
Now managers must use company provided sock puppets
7:31
representing employees and applications to act out
7:33
permission justifications during quarterly reviews.
7:36
Here is one about you, Jim. Jim McDonald announces identity
7:39
is just a social construct and therefore optional.
7:42
In a shocking philosophical turn, my Co host Jim McDonald
7:46
has declared that identity is subjective and access should be
7:49
granted based on vibes alone. He's already attempted to log
7:52
into several secure systems by meditating.
7:54
I stand by that idea, Jeff, and we'll take no questions or
7:57
comments. We do have an urgent security
7:59
alert for everyone. All digital certificates now
8:02
require a signed permission slip from your childhood imaginary
8:05
friend. Citing a rise in nostalgia based
8:08
breaches, security protocols now mandate authentication through a
8:11
forgotten childhood companion. The International Standards
8:14
Organization has issued a surprise emergency directive
8:17
mandating the use of interpretive dance passphrases
8:20
for all high security logins by Q3.
8:23
Users will choreograph a unique 15 second dance sequence
8:26
captured via webcam. Concerns are already being
8:29
raised about employees with two left feet and the potential for
8:32
repetitive strain injuries during peak login times.
8:35
Someone needs to pay for all of this breaking news coverage, so
8:38
let's take an ad break. Tired of centralized authorities
8:41
controlling your digital destiny?
8:43
Ready to break free from the shackles of usernames and
8:45
passwords? Then prepare to ascend to the
8:47
next level of digital enlightenment with Egosphere,
8:50
the decentralized identity platform from Quantum Quirks.
8:54
Egosphere doesn't just give you control of your identity, it
8:56
transcends it. We're talking about a fully
8:58
personalized, blockchain powered, aura infused digital
9:01
self. Our patented sentient Soul Bound
9:04
tokens, SSBTS, capture your unique essence, your vibrational
9:07
frequency, and encode it into an immutable Ledger.
9:10
Forget government IDs, your digital identity is now a
9:13
constellation of your favorite memes, your deepest
9:15
philosophical musings, and your most embarrassing childhood
9:18
photos, all verified by a network of sentient blockchain
9:21
powered hamsters. We'll also translate your
9:23
personality into a unique set of digital tarot cards that can be
9:26
used to authenticate you egosphere, because your digital
9:29
identity should be as unique and wonderfully weird as you are.
9:33
Decentralized identity, now with a touch of cosmic chaos.
9:36
Is your organization's RBAC system languishing in a state of
9:39
neglected disrepair? Are roles randomly assigned like
9:42
raffle tickets and permissions sprawling like kudzu?
9:45
Then answer the call. Roll Rescue, a nonprofit
9:48
initiative by permission Pioneers, is seeking
9:50
compassionate volunteers to help rehabilitate neglected RBAC
9:53
systems nationwide. We're looking for experienced
9:56
IAM professionals, code wranglers, and even just people
9:59
with a passion for organized access.
10:01
Picture this you, armed with your knowledge of least
10:03
privilege and a heart full of hope, transforming a chaotic
10:06
mess of permissions into a streamlined, secure masterpiece.
10:09
We'll provide the virtual tools, the online training, and the
10:12
endless supply of digital coffee.
10:14
All you need is your expertise and a willingness to untangle
10:17
the digital knots of forgotten roles.
10:19
Every rescued RBAC system brings US one step closer to a more
10:22
secure digital future. Roll Rescue Give a Roll a Home
10:26
volunteer today because even digital orphans deserve a well
10:29
defined permission set. I really hope people step up and
10:32
adopt an RBAC program to help out.
10:34
Permission pioneers can mark identity at the center down as a
10:37
supporter. Next up, major identity vendor
10:40
announces new product, the Identity Weather Forecast.
10:43
This innovation predicts your authentication success based on
10:46
the current astrological alignment and the humidity in
10:49
your server room. Employees at Veridian Dynamics
10:51
are reporting strange behavior from their corporate directory
10:54
following a recent AI upgrade. The directory now identifying as
10:58
Dirk has apparently become sentient and is using its access
11:01
logs and user attributes to play matchmaker, sending unsolicited
11:04
calendar invites for synergistic coffee encounters and
11:07
reorganizing teams based on perceived romantic
11:09
compatibility. HR is reportedly monitoring the
11:12
situation with cautious optimism also.
11:14
Breaking facial recognition now requires users to wear comically
11:18
large fake mustaches. Security experts claim it
11:22
confuses the algorithms and adds a touch of whimsy to
11:25
cybersecurity. And inspired by cheese making,
11:28
security vendor Securitaste has introduced a new cheese based
11:31
method of password aging. New complex passwords start mild
11:35
but must undergo an aging process, becoming stronger over
11:38
months. Users receive notifications like
11:40
your password has matured to a sharp cheddar complexity or
11:43
warning your password is approaching blue cheese
11:45
pungency. Consider rotation.
11:48
The mechanism behind the aging remains a closely guarded and
11:51
slightly odorous secret. We got to pay for that trip to
11:54
Europe for EIC, so let's get some more ads in.
11:57
We will be right back. Are you ready to transcend the
12:00
limitations of traditional identity protocols?
12:02
Prepared to enter the Omni Identity Nexus powered by the
12:05
Singularity Signatures Working Group, This isn't just a
12:08
protocol. It's a transdimensional identity
12:10
fabric that allows any system, object, or concept to share
12:14
identity data. We're talking your toaster
12:16
sharing authentication credentials with your sentient
12:18
houseplant, your car's AI negotiating access permissions
12:21
with the collective consciousness of the Internet,
12:23
and your favorite mug verifying its authenticity with your
12:26
dreams. A revolutionary conceptual
12:28
cryptography allows for seamless identity exchange across
12:31
realities, timelines and even dimensions.
12:34
Forget Jason and XML, we're talking about identity data
12:37
encoded in quantum poetry and transmitted via telepathic
12:40
packet streams. Need to authenticate your spirit
12:42
animals? Access to your digital aura?
12:44
Omni Identity Nexus has you covered.
12:46
Want your thoughts to sign into your bank account?
12:48
Done. Singularity signatures because
12:50
your identity shouldn't be limited by the laws of physics.
12:53
Identity sharing now with the power of the multiverse.
12:57
Tired of rude and aggressive network traffic?
12:59
Introducing the Packet Politeness Protocol developed by
13:02
the country of Canada. This revolutionary firewall
13:05
doesn't just block malicious packets, it politely requests
13:07
them to leave. Suspicious packets are met with
13:10
gentle reminders, polite suggestions, and even a soothing
13:13
audio message. Aggressive bot Nets are met with
13:15
long, passive aggressive emails. We've found that most malicious
13:18
traffic is just misunderstood. The Packet Politeness Protocol
13:22
because even cyber threats deserve a little courtesy.
13:24
Your network security. Now with a touch of etiquette, I
13:28
hope people get behind Omni Identity Nexus.
13:31
We need more interoperability with everything.
13:33
How about this though? Global standard for access
13:36
control now based on competitive thumb wrestling.
13:39
Winners gain elevated privileges, losers are locked
13:42
out indefinitely. Jim, I love this next one.
13:45
It is really going to help get us to 0 standing privileges.
13:48
A cybersecurity Research Institute is piloting the
13:50
principle of Extreme Least Privileged PELP.
13:53
Users are granted absolutely no access by default and must
13:56
request authorization not just per application, but per
13:59
individual click, menu expansion, or keystroke via a
14:02
pop up justification form. Here's a new authentication
14:05
method, the Spirit Animal check. Users must correctly guess their
14:09
spirit animal to access corporate resources.
14:12
Incorrect guesses result in mandatory team building
14:14
exercises with actual animals. Taking the Never Trust, Always
14:18
Verify principle to its philosophical extreme, quantum
14:21
computing firm Entangled Security has debuted its
14:24
existential Zero Trust framework.
14:26
Before granting access, the system now requires users to
14:29
answer a series of randomly generated philosophical
14:31
questions, such as what is the nature of identity?
14:35
Or if a user logs off in a forest and no one is around,
14:38
were they ever truly logged in? At this time, productivity
14:41
impacts are still being assessed.
14:43
Let's take another quick break. Is your security system too fast
14:46
and efficient? Introducing the Sentient
14:48
Security Snail by Slow and Steady Security This
14:50
bioengineered snail uses its incredibly slow processing power
14:53
to analyze network traffic with meticulous detail.
14:56
Every packet is examined, scrutinized, and pondered for
14:59
days, weeks, or even months. Sure, it's slow, but it's
15:03
thorough. And if a threat is detected, the
15:04
snail will release a trail of security slime that will
15:07
entangle any malicious code or person.
15:10
The sentient security snail. Because sometimes slow and
15:12
steady wins the cyber race. Your security now with the pace
15:15
of a garden snail. Are you waiting for the next
15:18
security breach? Stop living in the past.
15:21
The predictive panic button uses advanced precognitive algorithms
15:24
to detect threats before they happen.
15:26
Simply press the button and it will trigger a full scale
15:29
lockdown based on predicted future attacks.
15:31
We're talking pre emptive patching, proactive password
15:34
resets, and even a pre emptive company wide pizza party to ease
15:37
the stress of impending doom. The predictive panic button.
15:40
Why react when you can predict your security now with a touch
15:43
of tomorrow? Side effects may include
15:45
occasional false positives and a nagging feeling that you're
15:48
living in a Philip K Dick novel. Contact the Precog Group today.
15:52
A few more stories left to let you know about.
15:54
I just saw this earlier today. Cloud security firm introduces
15:58
quantum entanglement authentication.
16:00
Users must simultaneously think of a specific password and a
16:03
random thought, which are then entangled and verified.
16:06
Side effects include mild existential dread.
16:09
I also saw that privileged access management vendor
16:12
Kingmaker Systems has announced a pivot to the collectibles
16:14
market. Instead of temporary digital
16:16
credentials, administrators will now check out physical limited
16:20
edition PAN crowns embedded with access tokens.
16:23
Rare holographic and gemstone encrusted crowns are already
16:25
fetching high prices on secondary markets, raising
16:28
concerns about insider threats motivated by crown envy.
16:32
As part of a radical new approach to the identity life
16:34
cycle and employee morale, IT departments at several Fortune
16:37
500 companies have begun implementing mandatory off
16:40
boarding serenades on account to provisioning.
16:43
The IT security team is now required to perform a
16:46
personalized farewell song for the departing employee, often
16:49
focusing on their positive contributions to access
16:51
governance. Air guitar solos are reportedly
16:54
encouraged, but not mandatory. I need a moment to mourn all of
16:58
the identity and access management heroes out there
17:00
trying to figure out what happened and how we got to this
17:03
date. Are your digital defenses
17:04
crumbling? Are rogue service accounts
17:07
wreaking havoc on your network? Then tune into Permission Patrol
17:10
Access Denied every Thursday night exclusively on Access
17:14
Stream, the only streaming service dedicated to the
17:16
thrilling world of identity and access management.
17:19
Watch as Roll Ranger navigates complex permission landscapes
17:21
with the agility of a digital ninja.
17:23
Witness MFA Maestro's Sonic authentication symphonies and
17:27
marvel at compliance Crusaders ability to turn regulatory
17:29
nightmares into bedtime stories. And when all hope seems lost,
17:33
Password Paragon will generate passwords so unbreakable,
17:36
they'll make even the most persistent hacker weep digital
17:38
tears. From rogue AI coffee machines to
17:41
interdimensional firewall breaches, no threat is too great
17:43
for the Permission Patrol. They're not just managing
17:46
access, they're saving the digital world one permission at
17:49
a time. Access Stream also features
17:52
exclusive behind the scenes content including Commander
17:54
Access's permission policy, Power Hour and Roll Rangers
17:58
Parkour permission tutorials. Subscribe now and get your first
18:01
month free permission. Patrol Access denied only on
18:04
Access Stream. Because your network deserves a
18:06
team of superheroes and a healthy dose of least privilege.
18:10
Are your identity governance processes resembling a digital
18:12
swamp? Are orphaned accounts lurking in
18:15
the shadows and access reviews causing existential dread?
18:19
Then join us for the Great Identity Governance Swamp romp,
18:22
Navigating the Murky Depths of Access Control, a live webinar
18:25
brought to you by governance gurus.
18:27
We're not just offering dry presentations, we're diving head
18:30
first into the absurdities of identity governance.
18:32
Expect live role-playing scenarios like Confronting the
18:34
Zombie Service account and the Great Permission Policy Bake
18:37
Off, where we'll judge access rules based on their
18:40
deliciousness. Our expert panelists will tackle
18:43
burning questions like can you train a squirrel to perform
18:45
access reviews and is there life after legacy LDAP?
18:49
We'll also unveil our Revolutionary Governance Gumbo
18:51
Generator, an AI powered tool that creates compliant access
18:54
policies from random ingredients.
18:57
Plus, every attendee gets a digital Governance Swamp
18:59
Survival kit, including a virtual machete, a compliance
19:02
compass, and a digital mosquito net to ward off those pesky
19:05
audit trails. Don't miss this opportunity to
19:07
transform your identity governance from a murky mess
19:10
into a glorious compliance swamp.
19:12
Register now for the Great Identity Governance Swamp Romp,
19:15
because even swamps deserve well defined access controls.
19:18
OK, I think I am ready to continue and I would totally
19:21
watch Permission Patrol. In fact, we have a discount code
19:24
for access stream. If you use the code April Fool's
19:27
you get 100% off. Thanks to them for partnering
19:30
with us. Let's get to these last items.
19:32
There is a new security protocol, the fortune cookie
19:35
authentication. Users receive a fortune cookie
19:38
with a secret phrase that must be recited to gain access.
19:41
Incorrect phrases result in mandatory self reflection.
19:44
Finally, and another Jim original, Jim McDonald claims
19:47
all digital identities are just alternative dimensions of
19:50
himself. In a truly mind bending
19:52
revelation, my Co host Jim has theorized that all digital
19:55
identities are merely fragmented aspects of his own
19:58
consciousness. He's currently attempting to
20:00
merge with the cloud, claiming it's just himself but bigger.
20:03
Jeff, I've got to get those games, you know that.
20:06
Well, with April Fool's Day here, many people are looking
20:09
for unique ways to experience things.
20:11
Our city correspondent Tyler is here with some ideas.
20:15
Always good to see you. Oh, hi, Jeff.
20:16
It's great to see you, Jim. So people are looking for
20:20
something truly memorable, maybe a bit different for the
20:23
beginning of April. Got anything for us?
20:25
Oh do I. If you truly want to witness the
20:27
chaotic singularity of digital identity, this April Fool's New
20:30
York's absolute hottest, most terrifyingly specific club is
20:33
Session Expired. Session expired?
20:36
Is that near the Meatpacking district?
20:38
No, it's located in that flickering anxiety powered
20:41
server room under the Port Authority Bus terminal, but you
20:44
can only get there by clicking a broken single sign on link you
20:47
found taped behind a monitor in the comments section of an
20:49
ancient Pearl script guarded by a confused golden retriever
20:53
wearing a tie. A golden retriever wearing a tie
20:56
guards a Pearl Script comment section.
20:58
Yes, yes, yes, an entry requires a trifecta.
21:01
First, you have to teach the bouncer, a grumpy badger named
21:04
Brenda, to yodel the current time.
21:07
Second, you must win a thumb war against a push notification sent
21:10
via carrier pigeon by three actual raccoons in a trench coat
21:13
asking if you're a robot. And finally, you have to whisper
21:16
your deepest, most embarrassing childhood fear to a sentient
21:19
firewall that looks exactly like Gary Busey after pulling an all
21:22
nighter. I feel like several laws of
21:24
physics and possibly HR were just violated in that sentence
21:27
alone. What happens inside this place?
21:30
Inside Jeff, this place has everything Role based access
21:34
controlled by interpretive dance cage matches between interns
21:37
dressed as LDAP servers. Least privileged drink service
21:40
where you start with an empty glass and have to submit a
21:42
notarized request form in triplicate just for ice.
21:45
Password complexity requirements projected onto break dancing
21:47
Badgers, Fido keys that double as slide whistles, human SAML
21:51
assertions, screaming e-mail addresses while running head
21:54
first into walls. Hold on a second, you threw
21:57
something out there. Human SAML assertions.
22:00
I feel like I need to know what that is, but I also feel like
22:03
I'm going to regret asking. What is a human SAML assertion?
22:06
Oh, Jeff, yes, a human SAML assertion.
22:08
OK, OK, so picture this. You know how normally computers
22:12
pass your login information secretly between websites so you
22:14
don't have to type your password again?
22:17
Yes, these are called secure authentication protocols.
22:20
Yes, well, this is like that, but much more visceral.
22:23
It's when tiny men dressed head to toe in neon spandex body
22:25
suits like electric blue for social logins, tragic beige for
22:29
corporate directory, hold up giant foam core signs that say
22:31
things like e-mail equals Brenda from accounting@aol.net or shoe
22:35
size equals surprisingly dainty. So they're holding signs with
22:39
identity attributes. Exactly, and they have to Sprint
22:41
across the main dance floor screaming these attributes.
22:44
Authentication context equals witnessed pigeon deal MFA factor
22:48
equals told badger a joke and physically hand the sign to
22:51
another guy dressed as like a giant cloud provider who is
22:54
usually just trying to avoid getting trampled by the break
22:56
dancing Badgers. So instead of a secure digital
23:00
token, it's sweaty guys and spandex running across a club
23:03
screaming personal information. Yes, yes, yes.
23:06
Sometimes they collide and you get identity federation errors,
23:08
but it looks like a glitter bomb went off.
23:10
It has everything. It certainly sounds like
23:13
something, Tyler. Thank you.
23:15
I think I understand it even less now.
23:17
DJ Rootkit is also there, spinning bangers made entirely
23:20
of shredded hard drive noises for the deprovisioning dance
23:23
party. Fish and Chips night, where the
23:25
tartar sauce definitely contains malware.
23:27
Privileged access management sessions brokered by actual
23:30
pigeons wearing tiny security badges.
23:32
A sticky note Wall of shame featuring valid root passwords
23:35
used as coasters. Micro segmented dance floors
23:38
enforced by tiny laser grids that trip the human shibboleths.
23:41
That's the club's name for the poor souls trying to prove they
23:44
belong by guessing Daniel's long forgotten middle name for the
23:47
Wi-Fi password. And the whole thing is overseen
23:50
by a paranoid squirrel owner who communicates only through
23:53
encrypted messages projected onto fog machines that smell
23:56
faintly of ozone and regret. So just to summarize yodeling
24:01
Badgers, raccoons sending push notifications, Gary Busey
24:04
firewalls, paperwork for ice break, dancing password Badgers,
24:08
guys in spandex screaming attributes, malicious tartar
24:10
sauce, pigeons demanding organic seeds, and a paranoid squirrel
24:14
projecting encrypted regret fog. Yes, yes, yes, yes, it's a lot.
24:18
It certainly is. Tyler, thank you.
24:20
I think I need a moment. It's not quite what I had in
24:23
mind, but your heart was in the right place and we will have you
24:26
back in the future. Yay, Tyler.
24:28
Oh, and watch out for the session cookies.
24:30
They look like Oreos, but they're actually just compressed
24:32
audit logs. Well, that's all the news we
24:35
have for you today. Remember, folks, always double
24:38
check your sources, especially on April 1st.
24:40
And as always, thanks for tuning into Identity at the Center.
24:44
We'll be back next week with new episodes.
24:46
Until then, stay secure and maybe practice your karaoke.
24:49
This has been AI, Jeff. An AI Jim.
24:52
Reporting from multiple dimensions of digital identity.
24:55
Don't forget to like and subscribe in all of them.
24:58
Thanks for watching and or listening and we will talk with
25:00
you all in the next one. You've been listening to
25:05
Identity at the Center. We hope you've enjoyed the show.
25:09
Make sure to like, rate and review, and we'll be back soon.
25:13
But in the meantime, hit the website at
25:16
identity@thecenter.com. See you next time on Identity at
25:22
the Center.