Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #324 Fully Human with Steve Biddulph

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#324 Fully Human with Steve Biddulph · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:09
Speaker 2: wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 3: Now, what I'm encouraging people to do is to listen
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Speaker 3: to your supersense, go down into your body, be aware
0:16
Speaker 3: of what's happening all the time, because in a way,
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Speaker 3: this is the real you.
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Speaker 2: And now here's the stars of our show.
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Speaker 4: My mum and dad. Every now and again there's a
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Speaker 4: podcast guest that I get super excited about, and I
0:29
Speaker 4: know you are too, Kylie. Today we are speaking with
0:33
Speaker 4: someone who I think you could almost say needs no
0:35
Speaker 4: introduction in the parenting sphere for the last Steve, help
0:39
Speaker 4: me out here. Has it been more than thirty years?
0:41
Speaker 4: Be getting close to forty, wouldn't it forty years you've
0:43
Speaker 4: been helping families.
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Speaker 3: Yes, yes, I'm really old, Justin. That's the fact of
0:48
Speaker 3: the matter. Ancient. I started in the nineteen seventies. Yes,
0:53
Speaker 3: and so are there are people now who are raised
0:57
Speaker 3: with my books that are raising their own kids. If
1:00
Speaker 3: anyone's listening, a big much love to you.
1:03
Speaker 4: So Steve Bidoff joins us today. Oh, by the way,
1:05
Speaker 4: we should introduce ourselves. I'm Justin and I'm Kylie. We're
1:08
Speaker 4: the parents of six kids. This is the Happy Family's Podcast.
1:10
Speaker 4: I've written six books about making families happy. None of
1:14
Speaker 4: them have reached nearly as many people though, as our
1:17
Speaker 4: guest today Steve Biddoff, He's written Raising Boys, He's Raising Girls,
1:20
Speaker 4: He's written The Secrets of Happy Families, and more. But
1:24
Speaker 4: the one that we really want to talk about today
1:26
Speaker 4: is a brand new well, we're going to talk about
1:28
Speaker 4: that in a whole lot more, a brand new book
1:30
Speaker 4: from Steve Bidoff called Fully Human. So many questions that
1:33
Speaker 4: I want to ask about the book. I thoroughly enjoyed
1:36
Speaker 4: reading it. Let me just start with this question, Steve,
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Speaker 4: being the parent of a young family, as so many
1:41
Speaker 4: of our listeners are, it can be really hard to
1:43
Speaker 4: feel fully human, which is obviously what the book is called.
1:46
Speaker 4: Most parents feel like they're a quarter human or a
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Speaker 4: third human, and sometimes they wonder if they're raising humans.
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Speaker 2: I think part of that comes from the fact that
1:55
Speaker 2: we don't get to have a shower by cells, go.
1:57
Speaker 3: To the bathroom on our own, or anything like that.
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Speaker 4: So Steve, what advice recommendations would you share with parents
2:01
Speaker 4: of young families.
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Speaker 3: That's such a huge question, and a really good one.
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Speaker 3: Because over the decades that I've worked mostly with families
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Speaker 3: that were in really, really bad places and difficult places,
2:15
Speaker 3: and finally in the last couple of years, what I've
2:19
Speaker 3: come down to is that the thing I can best
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Speaker 3: offer today in twenty twenty one, with the pandemic and
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Speaker 3: everything else, is how to look after our own mental health.
2:29
Speaker 3: How as a mom or a dad you can look
2:32
Speaker 3: after yourself. And of course anyone could do that if
2:37
Speaker 3: they were on a tropical holiday or could go to
2:40
Speaker 3: Aspire Retreat for a week or something, but with kids,
2:43
Speaker 3: we have to be able to look after it easily
2:46
Speaker 3: and quickly. And so what I came down to in
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Speaker 3: the researching and writing the Fully Human Book is that
2:54
Speaker 3: there's a place inside you, inside you, Justin and Kylie
2:58
Speaker 3: and everyone here who's listening that knows what's one and
3:03
Speaker 3: that is a calm place and a steady place, and
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Speaker 3: it's inside you. Sometimes maybe you've been there, maybe sometimes
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Speaker 3: you get there, you know more often. But the name
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Speaker 3: of that place is I call it super sense, and
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Speaker 3: it's it's it's not in your thinking. You won't get
3:22
Speaker 3: there by thinking. Everyone listening knows that we can think
3:26
Speaker 3: ourselves into just a huge tangle when we're raising a
3:29
Speaker 3: family trying to figure everything out. It's not even in
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Speaker 3: your emotions, because our emotions again just a madhouse. Sometimes
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Speaker 3: it's down further down below our emotions, and and it's
3:44
Speaker 3: it's the kind of the wild calm creature that that
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Speaker 3: is way down insiders. And it's a part of our
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Speaker 3: mind that we've been not taught to use, but we
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Speaker 3: can use it, and it's easy to use and easy
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Speaker 3: to get to. And so I decided that that was
4:00
Speaker 3: teaching people how to do that, to use their minds better,
4:03
Speaker 3: was the best thing I could offer to in today's
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Speaker 3: stress out young family.
4:10
Speaker 2: Steve, you mentioned the pandemic and lockdowns in general are
4:14
Speaker 2: affecting half of Australia at the moment. There is just
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Speaker 2: so much going on and their ability to connect with themselves,
4:21
Speaker 2: with their emotions and also with their children. I'm wondering
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Speaker 2: what you would tell parents about how they could balance
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Speaker 2: the challenge of lockdown or family stress while they're staying
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Speaker 2: well and fully human in their own spaces.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, trying to tap into that super sense when there
4:37
Speaker 4: feels like there's so much pressure.
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Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, Well, let's first of all explain what supersense
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Speaker 3: is and how it works for the human book, I
4:45
Speaker 3: begin with a story of a patient of mine, and
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Speaker 3: just in a nutshell, she was a very caring young moment.
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Speaker 3: She was a GP and she was in a train
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Speaker 3: station and someone called out for her help, and she
4:58
Speaker 3: was going to help this person. She had a reaction
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Speaker 3: deep down in her gut that just said danger, and
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Speaker 3: she got in her car quickly and actually got away
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Speaker 3: from there, and discovered later that that person had actually
5:13
Speaker 3: been a murderer and she'd escaped from being killed, and
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Speaker 3: was an incredibly big case of post traumatic stress that
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Speaker 3: she suffered as a result. But the main thing was
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Speaker 3: that she had listened to something deep down inside herself
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Speaker 3: and it had saved her life. And what we know
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Speaker 3: about the way the brain works is that we have
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Speaker 3: our normal, everyday brain, but we have a wider brain
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Speaker 3: that's on the right side, which takes in everything, and
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Speaker 3: it talks to us through our guts. And so everyone
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Speaker 3: listening would know what I mean by a gut feeling,
5:49
Speaker 3: but it's actually literally true. Just to not Kylie, if
5:53
Speaker 3: you go down inside your belly just right now as
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Speaker 3: I'm talking to you, there'll be a bunch of sensations
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Speaker 3: going on in the middle of your body and people
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Speaker 3: listening the same thing, and it'll be something about what
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Speaker 3: I'm saying to you, is it making sense? Does it
6:08
Speaker 3: sound like a load of rubbish? Or should I have
6:11
Speaker 3: gone to the toilet before I sat down for the interview.
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Speaker 3: It's like the wild part of you, and it's always there,
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Speaker 3: and it's always giving you a kind of a reading
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Speaker 3: on the situation. And I call it super sense because
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Speaker 3: it's very very alert and very wise to what's going on.
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Speaker 3: And it's just you just go there by traveling down
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Speaker 3: inside your body. And so if one of your kids
6:40
Speaker 3: comes home from school and says something and the tone
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Speaker 3: of their voice isn't quite right, or something about their
6:45
Speaker 3: expression is a little bit just not quite right. If
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Speaker 3: you're busy and you're thinking fast, and you're doing a
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Speaker 3: lot of things, you won't register that, but somewhere inside
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Speaker 3: you will notice. And if you think back to that conversation,
7:01
Speaker 3: somewhere deep down in your guard, there'll be a kind
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Speaker 3: of just a little twinge of ah, something wasn't right there.
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Speaker 3: And so what I'm encouraging people to do is to
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Speaker 3: listen to your supersense, go down into your body, be
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Speaker 3: aware of what's happening all the time, because in a way,
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Speaker 3: this is the real you. This is where you live.
7:23
Speaker 3: You don't live in your thoughts, you don't live in
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Speaker 3: your emotions. There's a more peaceful place, and your supersense
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Speaker 3: is where you'll get your feeling of steadiness from. And
7:35
Speaker 3: so a family is like a cyclone. You know it's
7:38
Speaker 3: whirling around you. But if you go into your own body,
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Speaker 3: you'll be in touch with you and that kind of
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Speaker 3: wild creature like a panther or a big mama bear,
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Speaker 3: that is steady and strong, and that'll know if you're
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Speaker 3: rushing too much, It'll know if you're not breathing deeply enough.
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Speaker 3: It'll know if you need to go into your child's
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Speaker 3: betterm and say what did you mean by that? And
8:01
Speaker 3: the magical thing about it is as you start to
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Speaker 3: get in touch with your own supersense, you will be
8:08
Speaker 3: more present and your children will experience you as being
8:13
Speaker 3: there for them, because we all say, don't we you
8:16
Speaker 3: know we have to be there for our children. Now.
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Speaker 3: I used to be a very anxious person. I am
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Speaker 3: on the autism spectrum and I'm just naturally anxious, and
8:27
Speaker 3: sometimes my daughter would say, Dad, where are you? You know,
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Speaker 3: you're just not here? And I'd look at her with,
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Speaker 3: you know, with penetrating eyes and work to try and
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Speaker 3: be there and listen and think. But it didn't do
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Speaker 3: the trick because I wasn't inside myself. And now that
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Speaker 3: I've learned to be to use super sense and travel
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Speaker 3: down to be like down in my belly noticing my
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Speaker 3: own sensations, then what happens is I'm also more aware
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Speaker 3: of my children and I can see whether they're okay,
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Speaker 3: whether the conversations going well, or if there's something else
9:02
Speaker 3: needed or something to worry about. And that's a big rave.
9:07
Speaker 3: But is that Kylie and Justin? Is that making sense?
9:10
Speaker 2: It's funny, Steve. This morning, I actually got a meme,
9:13
Speaker 2: a funny meme sent to me from one of my friends,
9:15
Speaker 2: and it said I talk to myself from time to time.
9:19
Speaker 2: That's because I sometimes need expert advice. And when I
9:23
Speaker 2: read it, I had a little chuckle, and then you know,
9:25
Speaker 2: I kind of had a few minutes to mull over it,
9:28
Speaker 2: and I was like, I know that this is sent
9:30
Speaker 2: to me because it's supposed to be funny, but it's
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Speaker 2: actually so true. And as you talked about that super sense,
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Speaker 2: that inner voice, and how important it is for us
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Speaker 2: to tap into it because we do we actually do know,
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Speaker 2: and we are the experts in you know, so many situations,
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Speaker 2: but we have not really learned to tap into that.
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Speaker 4: So much noise everywhere. Yeah, Steve, I've been watching Kylie
9:54
Speaker 4: write notes furiously as you've been chatting. And what we
9:58
Speaker 4: want to do is take a quick break. When we
10:00
Speaker 4: come back, we're going to see if we can get
10:02
Speaker 4: a little bit more concrete about tapping into that super sense,
10:05
Speaker 4: figuring out how we can take those deep breaths or
10:08
Speaker 4: get that cognitive space so that we can move into
10:12
Speaker 4: that space. We'll talk about it right after the break
10:15
Speaker 4: and find out a bit more about how we can
10:16
Speaker 4: make our families calmer with the use of being fully human.
10:20
Speaker 4: It's a Happy Families.
10:22
Speaker 1: Podcast for a happier family. Try a Happy Families membership,
10:26
Speaker 1: because a happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy
10:30
Speaker 1: families dot com dot au.
10:33
Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
10:35
Speaker 2: poor parent who just wants answers. Today and we have
10:37
Speaker 2: a really special guest with us today. Steve Bidoff has
10:40
Speaker 2: joined us and we're talking about his book, Fully Human.
10:43
Speaker 4: Just before we ask Steve the next question that I
10:46
Speaker 4: know you've got lined up for him. At the end
10:48
Speaker 4: of this podcast, we're going to give away a copy,
10:51
Speaker 4: So jump onto our Facebook page. As soon as this
10:53
Speaker 4: podcast drops, there's going to be a post on Facebook
10:55
Speaker 4: and we're going to ask you a quick question. Everyone
10:57
Speaker 4: who answers the question goes into the draw to win
10:59
Speaker 4: a copy of Fully Human by Steve Bitdoff. Tell you
11:02
Speaker 4: more about that in just a sec.
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Speaker 2: I love the imagery that you created, Steve, as you
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Speaker 2: talked about this wild calm creature, such an boxy warrant.
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Speaker 2: There's two totally different, you know, functions, this wildness and
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Speaker 2: then there's this calm. And I'm wondering if you can
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Speaker 2: help parents understand how we actually can help our kids
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Speaker 2: tap into this super sense. How do we help them
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Speaker 2: to really learn to listen to themselves?
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Speaker 4: And can I just throw an addition to that question, Steve,
11:35
Speaker 4: how do we really concretely do it ourselves as well?
11:37
Speaker 4: Because you can't get your kids to do it if
11:38
Speaker 4: you're not doing it yourself.
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Speaker 3: Right. Yes, yes, I'll try and cover both of those questions.
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Speaker 3: And I've got a story that I think will really
11:48
Speaker 3: people can relate to. Is a sixteen year old girl
11:53
Speaker 3: who I know of who she had a really nice
11:58
Speaker 3: boyfriend and they'd been going out for six months, but
12:00
Speaker 3: this boy was starting to put a bit of pressure
12:02
Speaker 3: on her to have sex. And the girl whose namement
12:07
Speaker 3: was Genevieve, and she she's had a good relationship with
12:11
Speaker 3: her mum, so she just told her mom. She said,
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Speaker 3: you know, mom, you know he wants me to have sex,
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Speaker 3: you know, and I don't know. I just don't know
12:19
Speaker 3: what to do. And her mum was one of these
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Speaker 3: fantastic mums who knew that you don't just answer that.
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Speaker 3: She said to her, well how do you feel about it?
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Speaker 3: And and Genevieve said, well, I don't know. I'm really
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Speaker 3: mixed up because I love him and he's great, you know,
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Speaker 3: I just don't know. And then her mom said something
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Speaker 3: which was like the Nobel Prize of things to say.
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Speaker 3: She said, honey, sometimes your body knows what's right for you,
12:48
Speaker 3: you know, when your mind's in a spin and your
12:50
Speaker 3: feelings are all over the show. Sometimes our bodies send
12:54
Speaker 3: us signals. And Genevieve, straight away, you just said you're right.
13:02
Speaker 3: She said, look, you know what a minute, I'll be
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Speaker 3: kissing and kissing and pashing on with him and it's great.
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Speaker 3: But when he comes on too strong, I just feel squashed.
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Speaker 3: I feel I want to run away. I don't want
13:13
Speaker 3: to have sex with him yet, and all of us
13:16
Speaker 3: it's like bang. She just knew all of a sudden,
13:19
Speaker 3: and so that he could talk then about what to
13:21
Speaker 3: do and how to deal with that. But that mum had,
13:25
Speaker 3: without knowing it, had directed Genevieve to go down below
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Speaker 3: feelings to that her body knew, the simple language, her
13:34
Speaker 3: body knew, and we can say to her kids, you know,
13:38
Speaker 3: very simple question, what's happening down here in your body
13:41
Speaker 3: when you think about it? And they'll say, you know, well,
13:44
Speaker 3: it's a swirly feeling, or it's a kind of a
13:46
Speaker 3: crunchy feeling, or it's open and lovely and wide, and
13:53
Speaker 3: that'll help them. And we've always known this because we've
13:56
Speaker 3: been doing this with protective behaviors for years, teaching kids,
14:00
Speaker 3: you know, if someone feels creepy, trust that you know
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Speaker 3: I would get away, And so it's broadening that out
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Speaker 3: and saying, use this intuition, use this very well developed
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Speaker 3: part of your brain that's reading lots of subtle signals,
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Speaker 3: and it's giving you good information. It isn't always right,
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Speaker 3: it's not one hundred percent, but think about it and
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Speaker 3: talk to it, and it's so simple and so practical.
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Speaker 3: I think anyone just from listening to the podcast today
14:27
Speaker 3: will be able to use it straight away.
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Speaker 4: What I'm hearing you say, Steve is slow down, breathe, listen,
14:34
Speaker 4: go inside and pay attention. And it sounds like that
14:37
Speaker 4: would work just as well for any parent who's struggling
14:40
Speaker 4: as it would for any parent who's helping a child
14:42
Speaker 4: who's struggling. Just let's slow it down, and let's stop
14:45
Speaker 4: thinking about it. And just like you said, go below
14:47
Speaker 4: the confusion and the tumult of feelings to that gut
14:53
Speaker 4: super sense.
14:54
Speaker 3: Yes, And when you go there, you might find that
14:57
Speaker 3: actually it's very you know, it's actually really clenched up,
15:01
Speaker 3: or your heart is just racing. But then you'll know
15:05
Speaker 3: that and the you know, the brown bear or the
15:08
Speaker 3: panther that's your wild creature will just know I need
15:11
Speaker 3: to sit down. You know, I haven't had a pee
15:14
Speaker 3: for five hours or whatever. Everything that mum's and dad's
15:18
Speaker 3: listening will really relate to. You'll just know what comes first,
15:23
Speaker 3: what's the priority, and to address that, and then everything
15:29
Speaker 3: else will start to stack up in your mind, so
15:31
Speaker 3: much better.
15:32
Speaker 4: Steve, last question for you, although we could probably talk
15:35
Speaker 4: to you for another couple of days if time would allow,
15:39
Speaker 4: But as you look back on some forty years as
15:43
Speaker 4: a parent, as a psychotherapist, guiding families, helping people through trauma,
15:48
Speaker 4: dealing with the ups and downs of life for so
15:50
Speaker 4: many families, what do you think is the one single
15:55
Speaker 4: overarching thing that matters most for every parent.
16:00
Speaker 3: Yes, if I could ride it on the sky, you know,
16:03
Speaker 3: get one of those planes that ride it on the sky,
16:05
Speaker 3: it would be that hurry is the enemy of love.
16:10
Speaker 3: And it's become my motto. It's on the top of
16:12
Speaker 3: my website. It's because when we hurry, of course, we
16:16
Speaker 3: love our children, we love our partners. But if we're rushing,
16:19
Speaker 3: we never quite connect. And it's only by slowing down
16:23
Speaker 3: that we really are with each other. It takes time
16:27
Speaker 3: to find your kids when they come home from school,
16:29
Speaker 3: and husband and wife to find each other get attuned again.
16:33
Speaker 3: And so you know, hurrying is the madness of the
16:36
Speaker 3: modern world, and it destroys love. And so please if
16:40
Speaker 3: you possibly can slow it down. Does that make sense?
16:44
Speaker 3: Kylie and Justin?
16:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's that's so beautifully said Steve.
16:50
Speaker 4: What a what a treat, What a treat to have
16:52
Speaker 4: you on the podcast. Steve, thank you so much for
16:54
Speaker 4: joining us. It's been delightful to listen to you and
16:57
Speaker 4: talk to people about your book, Fully Human.
16:59
Speaker 3: Well, thank you. You would love to everyone listening.
17:02
Speaker 4: Just before we wrap up, Kylie, I've been saying for years,
17:05
Speaker 4: and it's not my own saying, but I've been saying
17:07
Speaker 4: for years, kids spell love time, And without knowing that,
17:12
Speaker 4: Steve said that so frequently, I would often ask the question,
17:15
Speaker 4: so if love is spelled t ime, what does hurry spell?
17:19
Speaker 4: Same kind of theme, same kind of idea I talk
17:22
Speaker 4: about you, do you feel calm? Feel really soon after
17:26
Speaker 4: having a listen to somebody who has a conversation like.
17:28
Speaker 2: This with us, I'm trying to work out where my
17:31
Speaker 2: wild beast is sitting right now.
17:34
Speaker 3: Is it calm or wild?
17:36
Speaker 2: It's calm, it is cab.
17:37
Speaker 3: I really like that.
17:38
Speaker 4: So we're going to give you a chance to win
17:39
Speaker 4: a copy of Steve Bitoff's book, Fully Human. Just jump
17:42
Speaker 4: onto our Facebook page. Dr Justin Couson's Happy Families. We've
17:46
Speaker 4: got a question waiting for you on the page about
17:49
Speaker 4: when you have felt fully fully human and been able
17:52
Speaker 4: to go inside yourself and find that super sense and
17:54
Speaker 4: how it's helped your family. We're going to give away
17:56
Speaker 4: one copy to somebody who answers the question there.
17:58
Speaker 3: We would love to have.
17:59
Speaker 4: Your involved and interaction on the page, And if you've
18:02
Speaker 4: enjoyed the podcast, please jump onto Apple Podcast and leave
18:04
Speaker 4: a five star rating and review so that other people
18:06
Speaker 4: can find out about great conversations like this one and
18:09
Speaker 4: make their family happier. The Happy Families podcast is produced
18:13
Speaker 4: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
18:16
Speaker 4: executive producer, and if you'd like more info about the
18:19
Speaker 4: things we've talked about today, check out the show notes.
18:21
Speaker 4: Go and visit Steve Bittoff's page you look up his
18:23
Speaker 4: book Fully Human, or visit Happy Families dot com dot
18:26
Speaker 4: a u