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Top 10 Disturbing Behaviors of the Covert Narcissist · Surviving Narcissistic Abuse with Jill Wise

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi everyone and welcome back to Surviving Narcissistic Abuse.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host and lifetime survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, Jill Wise.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: And today we are talking about the top 10 disturbing behaviors of the covert narcissist.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is such an important conversation because covert narcissists can be incredibly difficult to recognize because they don't always look like the arrogant, attention-seeking, grandiose narcissists most people expect.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they may appear sensitive, humble, insecure, misunderstood, even incredibly kind and giving.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly what can make this kind of relationship so confusing.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know something doesn't feel right.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know you're constantly walking on eggshells, questioning yourself, feeling guilty, or trying to figure out what you did wrong.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: But when you try to explain it to somebody else, sometimes you can't even put your finger on exactly what's happening.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: So today we're going to put our finger on it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about the 10 behaviors that can make covert narcissistic abuse so difficult to identify, why these behaviors are so effective, and most importantly, what they can slowly do to the person on the receiving end of them.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: One of the reasons covert narcissistic abuse can be so incredibly difficult to recognize is because it often doesn't look like what people imagine narcissism is supposed to look like.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: When most people hear the word narcissist, they picture somebody loud, arrogant, boastful, and domineering.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody who walks into the room believing they're the most important person in it and doesn't particularly care whether anybody knows it or not.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when narcissism is hidden behind humility?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when entitlement is disguised as hurt feelings?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: When control looks like disappointment, rage looks like silence, superiority looks like victimhood, and punishment is delivered so subtly that you find yourself apologizing without even being completely sure what you did wrong.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is what makes covert narcissistic abuse so confusing.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to clarify something before we get into this, because covert narcissist isn't a separate clinical diagnosis.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: When people use that term, they're generally describing narcissistic traits expressed in a more vulnerable, hypersensitive, inhibited, or indirect way.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, not every quiet, insecure, sensitive or introverted, passive aggressive person is a narcissist.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about persistent patterns of entitlement, exploitation, lack of empathy, manipulation, and an intense need to protect a fragile sense of self.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: The difference is that with a covert narcissist, these patterns can be much harder to recognize.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly why people can stay in these relationships for years knowing something is terribly wrong, but struggling to explain exactly what that is.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: There may not be one enormous incident you can point to.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, there can be hundreds of smaller interactions that leave you feeling confused, guilty, inadequate, selfish, or somehow responsible for this person's perpetual unhappiness.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes when you try to explain what's happening, you might even think that sounds so small.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: But that's the problem.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking at each incident individually instead of looking at the pattern they collectively create.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about 10 disturbing behaviors you may see in covert narcissistic dynamics, but more importantly, I want to explain what's happening underneath them.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just dive right in and we're going to start with the first disturbing behavior you will usually be subjected to with the covert narcissist.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: They weaponize victimhood.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is probably one of the most important things to understand about covert narcissistic behavior because victimhood can become incredibly effective at controlling other people.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: The overt narcissist may communicate, I'm more important than you, but the covert narcissist may communicate something closer to I've suffered more than you and therefore you owe me.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Different presentation, but similar entitlement.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this can be incredibly seductive in the beginning, especially for highly empathetic people.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: You hear about everything they've gone through.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody has really ever understood them.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: Their family mistreated them.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: Their exes were horrible, their boss never appreciated them, their friends betrayed them.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And naturally, you feel compassion.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: But over time, you may notice something strange.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: In virtually every story, they somehow occupy exactly the same role.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They are the innocent person surrounded by unreasonable, cruel, selfish, jealous, or incompetent people.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: They can explain in extraordinary detail what everyone else did to them, but they seem remarkably unclear about anything they may have contributed to the situation.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And there is a huge difference between genuinely being victimized and using victimhood as a shield against accountability.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: The problem begins when every attempt to disgust their behavior becomes another injury you supposedly inflicted upon them.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: You approach them because something they did hurt you.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And twenty minutes later, you're comforting them.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Somehow the conversation about your pain has become a conversation about how cruel you were for mentioning it.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually you may stop bringing things up altogether, but not because anything has been resolved, but because addressing problems becomes too emotionally expensive.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And once becoming wounded is enough to make you abandon your own grievance, your empathy begins doing some of the controlling for them.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Next, number two, their anger often comes out sideways.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: So let me explain what I mean.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Covert narcissistic rage doesn't always look like screaming, throwing things, or these obvious explosions.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it looks like silence, withdraw, sulking, uh withholding affection, sarcasm disguised as humor, or like a sudden chill in the room that everybody else is expected to notice and accommodate.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Rage doesn't necessarily describe volume.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody can be absolutely furious with you without raising their voice once.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you disagreed with them.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you received attention they wanted.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you made a decision without consulting them.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly something changes.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're fine, of course.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: They'll tell you they're fine, but anybody within fifty feet knows damn well they're not fine.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So now you're asking, did I do something?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Are you upset with me?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: But still, they insist nothing's wrong while behaving in a way that makes it very clear something is obviously wrong.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Essentially, you're being punished for an offense you haven't even been allowed to discuss by someone who simultaneously denies that any punishment is happening.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that ambiguity is what makes it so effective.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to announce, I'm punishing you because you disappointed me.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: They can simply make the atmosphere uncomfortable enough that you learn not to disappoint them again.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually what happens is you start changing your behavior before the punishment even happens.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And once you reach that point, they don't have to control you nearly as much because you've learned to control yourself.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, guilt becomes one of their favorite forms of currency.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: A covert narcissist may not always tell you directly what they believe you owe them, but they don't have to because they can make you feel guilty enough that you offer it voluntarily.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And guilt is incredibly effective because it allows somebody to influence your choices while maintaining the appearance that you had a choice.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, instead of saying you aren't allowed to spend time with your friends, they become wounded because apparently spending time with them isn't important to you anymore.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of demanding that you change a decision, they become so devastated by it that changing your decision begins to feel like the only humane option.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And there is an important difference between somebody expressing legitimate hurt and somebody repeatedly using hurt as leverage.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy disappointment still leaves room for your autonomy.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Manipulative guilt doesn't.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: If every independent choice somehow becomes evidence that you are selfish, disloyal, uncaring, ungrateful, or abandoning them, eventually independence itself starts to feel cruel.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: You haven't technically been forbidden from doing anything.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: You've simply been conditioned to associate doing what you want with hurting somebody you care about.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And for an empathetic person, that can be every bit as effective as an order.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, entitlement is often disguised as disappointment.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a big one because usually we imagine entitlement sounding like I deserve this.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: But covert entitlement may sound more like I just thought you would want to.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: One is an obvious demand, the other quietly turns your failure to meet an expectation into a statement about your character.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: They may have rigid expectations about how available you should be, how quickly you should respond, how much attention or emotional labor you should provide, or how much recognition they deserve.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of communicating those expectations clearly, they may simply wait for you to violate one.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you didn't even know there was a rule until you broke it.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what makes these relationships exhausting.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're constantly taking a test nobody gave you the study guide for, yet somehow you're always expected to get a hundred percent.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you become hypervigilant.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: What mood are they in?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Did I call enough?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Did I sound excited enough?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are they going to interpret this as rejection?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: You start organizing your behavior around preventing their disappointment.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And at some point you have to ask yourself whether you're actually participating in an adult relationship or whether you've slowly been assigned responsibility for regulating somebody else's self-esteem.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, they can have an incredibly difficult time tolerating your happiness and success.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: So they may insist they're your biggest supporter, but pay attention to what happens when something wonderful happens to you.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: You accomplish something you're proud of, you receive attention, you're excited about a new opportunity, and somehow the emotional temperature changes.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they minimize it.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they immediately point out a problem.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they change the subject.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or perhaps, believe it or not, a crisis appears at the exact moment the attention isn't on them.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it's important to go deeper than simply saying narcissists get jealous.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Pathological envy isn't just wanting something another person has.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: When someone's self-esteem depends heavily on comparison, another person's success can actually feel like evidence of their own inadequacy.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why some people seem perfectly comfortable supporting you when you're struggling, but becoming strangely uncomfortable when you begin thriving.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: And after enough of these experiences, unfortunately, you may start dimming your own excitement before you ever share good news.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: So you may do things like downplay your accomplishments.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: You hesitate before celebrating yourself.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: You learn that shining too brightly creates tension.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that is an incredibly sad thing to realize.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: You become smaller not because anybody explicitly told you to shrink, but because being fully alive around them became too emotionally expensive.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Number six, they collect grievances like other people collect refrigerator magnets.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I say that somewhat sarcastically, but there's something important happening underneath it.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: In healthier relationships, minor conflicts eventually get resolved and lose their emotional charge.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: You can talk about it, somebody apologizes, and you move forward.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: But old grievances can remain incredibly useful to someone who struggles with shame and accountability.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: They become evidence.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Evidence that you are selfish, evidence that you've always mistreated them, evidence that they're the long suffering victim.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever they're doing today can somehow be justified by something you did three Christmases ago.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the grievance may have already been discussed, apologized for, supposedly for forgiven, and buried until they need it again.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then suddenly the corpse is back in the kitchen table.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because if today's disagreement can be attached to an enormous historical case file against you, they never have to stay in the present moment and ask, was I wrong here?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now you aren't discussing what they just did.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: You're defending your entire character.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're not trying to solve the problem.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're defending yourself against a prosecution.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And no relationship can genuinely repair when one person is trying to resolve the problem while the other person is trying to win the case.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Number seven, plausible deniability becomes an art form.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the most maddening characteristics of covert manipulation because almost everything has two possible interpretations.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: That comment that embarrassed you, oh, that was a joke.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: That private information they shared, they didn't realize it was private.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Uh that backhanded compliment, you took it wrong.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: That passive aggressive post, well obviously it wasn't about you.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: That sudden coldness after you set a boundary, they're just tired.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, any one of those things could be completely innocent.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's why pattern and context matters.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is when there's always an innocent explanation for every individual behavior, yet somehow the cumulative effect consistently destabilizes you.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is where survivors can become obsessed with proving intent.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: Did they mean to do that?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you can prove intent, you finally feel entitled to trust your reaction.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: But there comes a point where intent becomes less important than pattern.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: If I accidentally stepped on your foot once, that is an accident.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: If I step on your foot every Tuesday for five years and somehow it's always an accident, eventually we need to stop debating what was in my heart and start discussing why the hell your foot keeps getting crushed.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a confession to recognize a pattern, and you don't have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that somebody intended to hurt you before you're allowed to protect yourself.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: Number eight, they create confusion instead of obvious conflict.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of the most psychologically damaging aspects of covert emotional abuse.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: With obvious mistreatment, your brain at least has something concrete to process.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody screamed at you, uh, somebody called you a name.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Covert darn dynamics are very different.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can leave a conversation feeling absolutely terrible without being able to explain exactly what just happened.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: You were confident when the conversation started and confused when it ended.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: You brought up something they did, and somehow you're apologizing.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: You remember what happened, but after talking to them for an hour, you're no longer sure.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're exhausted, they're calm.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow their version of events has become the only version you're allowed to discuss.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: That chronic ambiguity can slowly damage your trust in your own perceptions.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: So pay attention to what consistently happens to you psychologically around someone.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do you repeatedly leave conversations feeling guilty when you haven't actually done anything wrong?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do you rehearse simple conversations because you're afraid they'll get it twisted?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Are you constantly explaining yourself to somebody who seems committed to misunderstanding you?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: None of those things automatically diagnose another person with narcissism, but they are information about the health of the relationship.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes your confusion isn't evidence that you're failing to understand what's happening.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the confusion is part of what's happening.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's a result of the abuse and manipulation that you're being subjected to.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Other people many times see somebody humble, generous, thoughtful, sensitive, helpful, maybe even self sacrificing.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, you're living with an entirely different emotional reality.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: And when you finally try to explain what's happening, people may look at you like you've just accused Mr.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Rogers of running an underground crime ring.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Them?
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: They would never.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're dealing with two injuries, the behavior itself and the isolation of not being believed because everybody else knows a completely different version of this person.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: But public generosity and private mistreatment can absolutely coexist.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody's identity depends heavily on being seen as a good, caring, victimized, exceptional or morally superior, reputation becomes extremely important.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: And this explains something survivors often find bewildering and crazy making.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why can they treat a complete stranger beautifully and treat me like garbage?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer is because the stranger is a part of an audience.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: You are not.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: The stranger's admiration provides something, but because you are always present and familiar with their behavior, your presence creates accountability.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know the contradictions.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know what happens when doors close.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know the things that don't fit the story, and that can make the person closest to them feel threatening.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is why I don't recommend making your healing dependent upon convincing everybody else that you're telling the truth.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: You do not need unanimous approval to trust what you've experienced.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, number 10, they may provoke you until your reaction becomes the evidence against you.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine spending months or even years dealing with subtle digs, withdraw, guilt, denial, criticism, shifting expectations, plausible deniability, and conversations that leave you questioning yourself.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, if you're a normal human being, you are going to react.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you yell, maybe you cry, maybe you send the angry text, maybe after being poked emotionally for the ten thousandth time, you completely lose your composure.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly, there it is.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Proof.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: Look at how unstable you are.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: Look how angry you are.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Look how impossible you are to communicate with.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: And then conveniently, everything that happened before your reaction disappears from the story.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Now, understanding reactive behavior doesn't mean every reaction is healthy or justified.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're still responsible for our own behavior.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: But context matters.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody repeatedly provokes another person and then presents only that person's eventual reaction as evidence of their character, you aren't looking at the whole interaction.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: You're looking at the final 30 seconds of a two-hour movie.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: Covert dynamics can be particularly effective at creating this because the tactics they are using to provoke you may be almost invisible to outsiders.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: They remain composed.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: You become emotional.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: Guess who looks like the problem?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is one reason emotional regulation becomes so important during recovery.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not because you need to become some perfectly calm robot who never gets angry, but because when you stop automatically reacting to every manipulation tactic, you can begin seeing the dynamic much more clearly.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's what brings us to the most important part of this entire conversation.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: The reason covert narcissistic dynamics can be so damaging isn't necessarily because every individual behavior is dramatic.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's because the cumulative effect can slowly separate you from your own judgment.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: You start monitoring their moods instead of your needs.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: You question your interpretation before you question their behavior.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: You feel guilty for having boundaries.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: You minimize your accomplishments.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: You over explain simple decisions.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: You apologize to restore peace rather than because you actually did something wrong.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually you can become so focused on understanding them that you stop asking a much more important question.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: What is happening to me in this relationship?
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: That question changes everything because you don't actually need to solve another person's psychology before you're allowed to decide that a relationship is hurting you.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a diagnosis.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need them to agree with your interpretation.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't need to prove that every hurtful behavior was intentional.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns matter.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: How conflict gets handled matters.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: Whether your boundaries are respected matters.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: Whether accountability follows in both directions matters.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And whether you can remain being yourself inside the relationship matters.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships do not require you to become smaller, quieter, more confused, more apologetic, and less trusting of yourself just to keep them functioning.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're listening to this and thinking, oh my god, Jill, I recognize almost every one of these.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: Don't turn this into another opportunity to spend the next six months obsessively analyzing the narcissist.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_00: Use the information differently.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking, how can I finally make them understand what they're doing?
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_00: Ask what do I understand now that I didn't understand before?
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking how do I prove they're manipulating me, ask yourself why you believe you need their confession before you're allowed to trust your own experience.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because that is one of the biggest shifts in narcissistic abuse recovery.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: You stop spending all of your energy becoming an expert on the person who hurts you, and you start becoming an expert on yourself again.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your boundaries, your instincts, your values, your needs, and your future.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, understanding narcissism is supposed to help you get your life back.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't supposed to become another way the narcissist remains a central character in it.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: And if you need additional help recovering from narcissistic abuse, breaking a trauma bond, understanding complex PTSD, or figuring out what your next steps should look like, you can work with me privately through one-on-one coaching.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: I also have my comprehensive course on narcissistic abuse, trauma bonds, breaking the trauma bond, and complex PTSD, as well as my private recovery circle community where we continue these conversations with people who genuinely understand what this kind of abuse does to you.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find all of those resources through my website at www.jillwise.com.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if this episode made you think of somebody who has spent years saying, I know something's wrong, but I can't explain what it is, send this episode to them.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes simply having language for something you've experienced for years is the first moment you realize you weren't imagining it.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's one thing I want you to remember from this episode, it's this something does not have to be allowed to be damaging.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to leave a bruise to leave an impact.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to prove what somebody intended before you're allowed to trust what the pattern has repeatedly shown you.