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282. Ask Us Anything Part 2. We Answer More Of Your Tough Questions · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Ask us anything.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Your questions answered, or at least we'll try to answer episode two of the ultimate intimacy podcast, if you're listening to this, one episode, two yeah episode two to the one.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: We just did part two sorry part two, not episode, if you're listening to this one and you didn't hear the previous one, go listen to the previous one first I don't think it really matters actually, but there's some great questions in the first one too so let's jump right in, because we we still have a ton of questions to get through and we still probably won't get through all of them okay, so if you missed part one and you're starting on this one, we asked our social media app audience to ask us anything and we would try to answer the best of our ability.
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: these are our personal, personal opinions.
• 1:23
  Speaker 3: Take it for what it's worth and, yeah, we're just going to keep going with the questions.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: Take it for what it's worth because it's free advice.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: You're not paying for it, exactly.
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: Question number one of the day what if my wife doesn't want to ever have a high sex drive?
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: What if she doesn't want to have a high sex drive?
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: That is the best question of the day, and that's why I'm starting with that one.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: Okay, Then she must.
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm just going to be blunt.
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: If she doesn't want a high sex drive, or doesn't have a desire to have a high sex drive, then she probably isn't really concerned about having a great marriage.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: That might be mean, that might be mean, that might be a little too direct.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: But sexual intimacy if you listen to our polls, 99% said sexual intimacy is a need in marriage.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: I feel like this question is going to take up our whole podcast episode because I have stuff to say about it.
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: Okay, you said maybe she doesn't care, but in our situation I have a low drive, he has a high drive.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: I've gotten my testosterone checked um, my levels were normal you have a desire I don't have a desire, but I don't have enough desire to have a high drive.
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: I only have a a desire to be intimate and make it work.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: Okay, you're right.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, high drive.
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: I missed the word high drive.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: You missed the word high drive.
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: I did yes.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Can I go back and edit my answer?
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, you can, you're right.
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: Do you see, where I'm coming from.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because I'm not willing, I don't think, to go spend thousands of dollars to get my testosterone to a high level, because it's not negatively affecting our marriage to me and you've agreed with this, because I am still willing to prioritize it.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: You're right.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: I answered the question from a standpoint of wanting to have a sex drive when the question asked was a high sex drive.
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: Exactly.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: There's a big difference.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: So let me rephrase my answer.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: I totally agree.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: They don't need to have a high sex drive, they just need to have the desire or the willingness to be, intimate and prioritize it.
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: Yep exactly okay, but I think I think that's good that we talked about both, because if your wife is to a point where she doesn't even want to prioritize, I see those are two different questions.
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: He didn't ask my wife won't prioritize it.
• 3:50
  Speaker 3: He said she doesn't want a high drive.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: So there's nothing wrong with not wanting a high drive.
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: I think that there's a lot of husbands out there that would love their wife to have a high drive, but physically that could cost a lot of money every month.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: But physically that could cost a lot of money every month.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: And mess up your body.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: And possibly mess up your body.
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: I don't want to get into testosterone and all that stuff in this episode, Like there's a lot to talk about, but if it is being prioritized, just be okay with the fact that maybe you're going to initiate most of the time Because you have the higher drive.
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: You're a higher drive husband or wife and most husbands and wives that have the higher drive are like I'm fine being the initiator of it, as long as they're still positive about it.
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: Exactly Right, yep, great, okay, we're going to move on, because we talk about this all the time.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: But okay, next one.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: Any thoughts on anal or anal play or anal sex?
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so again.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: So again, nick, answer this one.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: Um, this is just our opinion.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: We're not saying what's right or wrong for your marriage, but we this is a hard no in our marriage and never even had to be discussed.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: I don't know why it's a hard.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: No, it just is something I have no desire for and amy has no desire for.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: So we're like oh, this is just something we will never do in our relationship it was never even had to be yeah, we, we've never even talked about this, just other than other than the standpoint of like.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Is this something you're interested?
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: No, or is this something you're interested?
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Absolutely not.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: So end of story.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: We haven't talked about.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: Having said that, we recognize every marriage is different.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing is making sure you both feel comfortable with it.
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: If it's something you both feel comfortable with um I don't know, I just I, I I think it's wrong okay, I think it's wrong, but this well, again, this is our podcast.
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: So we, we don't believe in it again and I I think it's wrong too, because we don't do it in our marriage.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: But but that that doesn't give us the right necessarily to say this is wrong for your marriage.
• 5:49
  Speaker 3: No, I I'm saying it's wrong for my marriage, so there's nothing to talk about.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: I just I don't believe that's what was intended.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, um, I don't believe.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: Uh, there are obviously some health risks and and negative things about it that are real.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: I just don't believe that was the way we were designed and so that's, I guess, my opinion.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: But again, I have no.
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: If another couple says, hey, this works great for us in our marriage, I have nothing negative to say.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: Not going to judge you, just don't want to hear about it.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Just don't want to hear about it.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: Don't want to hear about it.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: But the question that came after this one if my wife doesn't want to try it, but I want to try it, should I pursue it?
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: No.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: No.
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: No, absolutely not.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, I have to be blunt on this one.
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: I'm like no, no, absolutely not.
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: You do not pursue anything that your wife is a hard no on, and I think this one can be a hard no on, and I think the second, this one, can be a hard no, sorry, I think, too.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: the second you try to pursue something that she's not interested in doing and you put her in that situation.
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: You're going to have long-term damage and consequences.
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: Whether it's trust or whatever she's feeling, it's going to cause long-term damage.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: We've had someone previously that we were talking to that was like oh, I really want to do this for my wife, but she doesn't want to, and we're like dude, you have a great relationship.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: Don't mess it up.
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: Why would you?
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: risk damaging your relationship just for something a little bit different, like we as humans don't just get to do anything we want anytime we want.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: Like we have to control ourselves and hold back on certain things.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: And I think marriage is the same way.
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: You know, finding that compromise.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Or you know again, if you love your spouse and they're not comfortable with something, I would say absolutely respect that.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: That's my opinion 100%, 100%.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: And this takes having conversations right.
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: You have to have these conversations, you have to be able to be like.
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: This is why this is a hard no for me, and you've got to be understanding of your spouse.
• 7:52
  Speaker 3: All right, I thought well.
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: Well, someone asked about swinging.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: We don't believe on that that is not marriage.
• 8:01
  Speaker 3: That's called cheating.
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: There's nothing to say about that.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: Some of these questions I'm surprised that we get, but you just never know.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: Um, married 20 years, have a child 19 years, um, the husband is cheating.
• 8:15
  Speaker 3: Should I divorce?
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: Now we're not getting into this podcast about cheating and all this crap, like we want it to be positive, but we have never really talked about divorce and some people just think that they can be abused and abused and cheated on and divorce is wrong, like we're not, because you're because you're taught divorce is wrong.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: so you you, a lot of people are taught under no circumstances do you divorce, right?
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: Um, let me, let me give my thoughts.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: So I have.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: I come from divorced parents and they were miserable together.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: Now they're both remarried and they're both happy as can be.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: I am not anti-divorce.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: I believe that God wants you to be happy.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: I believe he wants you to fulfill.
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: I believe that God wants you to be happy.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: I believe he wants you to fulfill, find enjoyment with your spouse and just have a wonderful life.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: And if you're not getting that, you know how often do people get married and I can say this from my experience in my own families that I have where they got married and the second they got married, their spouse completely changed, completely changed, and that's not, that's not right.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: So again, I am not promoting divorce, but in certain circumstances I absolutely think that divorce is an okay thing.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: You deserve to be happy If, if a spouse is constantly cheating on his, his, uh, wife, that's probably not going to change.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: And you know, I don't think that's what God intended.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: I think God wants us to be happy.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: I 100% agree with you.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: We're not advocates for divorce and we're obviously Obviously, what we're trying to do is help marriages become better.
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: Right, that's our whole goal, but there's certain, there's certain things that why would you stay in a marriage for the rest of your life and be miserable when there's better things out there, if your spouse is just abusing you or cheating on you?
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: Yeah, marriage is supposed to be happy, I was trying to say, and you don't run to divorce either.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: Like, you try to fix situations that are hard, you try to be there for your spouse, you try to understand.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: You maybe have to go to therapy, but cheating is one of those things.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: When you lose trust, it's really hard to get it back.
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: It depends on the situation.
• 10:32
  Speaker 3: It depends on what happened to get to the situation.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: There's so many things.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: This is the kind of thing that you can't say yes, get divorced or don't get divorced.
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: It's up to the couple.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: But marriage is.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: You should be happy and you should be able to trust each other.
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: And I also believe in forgiveness and redemption.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: I do too.
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: It's up to the couple.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: I guess, in my opinion, it really comes down to both couples.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Do both couples want to fight for their marriage, or is one spouse checked out?
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: And if one spouse is checked out and they're doing their own thing, I think you're done at that point.
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: I agree too.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: I agree with that.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: Okay, moving on Um in television in the bedroom, healthy or not?
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: Ooh, I like this.
• 11:10
  Speaker 3: This is kind of a con.
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: It's a simple question.
• 11:12
  Speaker 3: But it's a controversial question Because a lot of people are like TV should not go in the bedroom.
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: Absolutely not.
• 11:19
  Speaker 3: We have a TV in our bedroom.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: We use it a lot.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: We use it a lot.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: We have naked movie night.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: We do.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: We have naked movie night all the time.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: Well, not all the time, but often Often and that's great foreplay and it's fun to be able to snuggle there naked and watch a show.
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: Like it depends on the couple and if you have healthy boundaries around it or you feel like the TV is taking over your intimate life, like if it's not, then I don't see a problem with it?
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, is it bringing you closer together as a couple, or is it?
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: Tearing you apart, I think.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: Ask that question and then you can decide if it's a positive or negative thing.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think there's people on both sides of that one.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: Um, why do men or husbands try so hard for their family when they know the marriage is over?
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: Oh, that's a tricky one.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: Do you want me to take it or do you want to take it?
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: you take it, and then I'll give my thoughts and I'll probably have a lot of women be upset at me.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: Why do men keep trying so hard for their family when they know their marriage is over?
• 12:19
  Speaker 3: I get so many husbands reaching out to us saying that they've been in a sexless marriage for years and there is always a deeper reason.
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: It's hard to know what a couple's been going through, what they've been through, who, who.
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: The problem is all those kind of things right like.
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: We don't deal with that.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: But for a lot of husbands the court system is kind of unfair and I think a lot of husbands just keep going because they know their wife is going to take their kids and take their money, which sometimes a husband is not a good husband and she's cut him off for valid reasons.
• 12:54
  Speaker 3: And sometimes he's an good husband and she's cut him off for valid reasons, and sometimes he's an amazing husband and she's just decided his needs don't matter, and that's not a fair situation.
• 13:03
  Speaker 3: And then they keep dealing, sticking and staying with their family and being a good father to do the right thing, or because they know they're going to get destroyed, like that's why I would say men would keep giving and giving and giving.
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: What are your thoughts?
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I would say too and I've got to be careful how I say this I think men generally are pretty loyal creatures.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: Good ones, yeah, good ones.
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: Good ones, exactly.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: Of course, if your wife out there listening and you're like what is he talking about?
• 13:34
  Speaker 3: my husband's horrible we're talking about the good ones.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: I think most men, most good men, are very loyal and they want to provide they want.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: They're okay with being in just a relationship with just their wife, and I think Amy hit it right on the head.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: So often in marriage, though, the wife completely cuts off, off everything, still expects to be taken care of financially, uh, have the house, have the kids, have just everything, but she's not willing to give.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: We see, we, we see a lot of circumstances, a lot of times, where, if a woman has no desire for sex, they still are getting fulfilled in every other way.
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: Right, if a husband is providing for them and giving them a nice lifestyle and the kids and the way they're getting everything they want, yet they're completely cutting off that connection with the husband and a lot of husbands, don't you know?
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: they're just like oh man, I'm in a sexless marriage, like you said, and so I think, I think that's a really sad place to be, but I think unfortunately that happens quite a bit, because then a woman's getting all of her needs met and she doesn't have to have sex right right she's like oh, I'm living, I'm living like the dream, and so.
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: But I think that is a really sad situation and I I think, like I said, I think most good men are very loyal and want to try to do everything they can to make it work I agree with that, even if they're in a bad situation I agree with that.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: I think there's a lot of amazing husbands that are just hurting.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: I think there's a lot of husbands out there that are hurting.
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: They're, they're lonely and they're like you because women we talked about this one in the episodes the women can go get some of their emotional needs met through other people, through their friends, their girlfriends, right when a husband he's like my sexual needs can only be met by you and we're talking some high drive wives too I can only get that area met by you.
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: And so when that's denied, they just they have to give, they just keep giving and giving and not getting anything the world has a very negative outlook on men.
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: The world is teaching women to hate men, that they don't need men, that men only want them for sex, that men are stupid and like.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: We are in a society where men are just getting destroyed.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: But again, I think for the most part like men.
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: If a wife is loving and shows her husband that she loves him and they're intimate almost every single time, they're going to have a great marriage.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: Like a man's not going to want to go elsewhere, he's not going to have the desire to look at porn, he's not going to have all these things when he has a wife that loves him.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: It's when a wife starts having no interest in him that he's going to, you know, and no different for a woman, but I guess essentially start wanting to get his needs met elsewhere.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: Right, like it's only natural as humans to have our needs met.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: They're going to get met one way or another.
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: Hopefully it's with our spouse, but again, a husband who gets a sexual intimacy cut off, but he's like I'm not a cheater, I'm not dishonest, I'm not going to leave my family, I'm not going to do this to my wife and my kids.
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: There's a lot of husbands that just keep giving and giving and giving and giving.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: He's like I guess, until my kids are all grown up or moved out like I guess I'm just not going to get any of my needs met.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of husbands sitting in that area, yeah, and it's really heartbreaking.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: It's really heartbreaking because you can have so much more as a couple.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Yes, okay.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Next question can you be friends with the opposite sex?
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: I would say when you're married, of course you can be friends with the opposite sex, um, but I think there's a very fine line to that if.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: If you're married, of course you can be friends with the opposite sex, but I think there's a very fine line to that if, if you're a friend with the opposite sex, you all should always should be hanging out as couples.
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: You should never be alone.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: You should never be texting or having phone calls or anything like that whatsoever.
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: I think within like a you relationship to where you're going out as couples or something like that, that's probably fine, um, but outside of that, I would say it's probably not good to be friends with the opposite sex if it's anything more than just going out together as couples.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: Right, can you be friends with the opposite sex?
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: I say absolutely in a group environment.
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: In a group environment, yeah, in a group environment.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: There I I have a women's league.
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: Well, not women's like, there's like four guys and then 20 something women.
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: We all play pickleball, we're all friends, but it's a group setting and there's no private conversations ever.
• 18:11
  Speaker 3: It's a group conversation and I think that's where it always needs to stay.
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: Either it has to be in a group setting or you're always doing something as couples.
• 18:20
  Speaker 3: I don't think couple, I don't think you should ever be one-on-one in person or messaging or texting with the opposite sex.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: There's no need for that Ever.
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: Ever, there's no need for that, don't put yourself in that situation.
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: That answer, mm-hmm Yep that answer it?
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: yep, I think so we can absolutely have friends, absolutely.
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: I mean Nick have tons of friends.
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: He's friends with some of my friends.
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: I'm friends with his I would never go hang out with his friends.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I would call him like friends, like.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: Like I'm not, we're friends together.
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're friends together as couples, I would call them as a couple, that both of them are our friends.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: Yes, as an individual, they're not.
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: He's his friend and she's my friend Absolutely.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: But we consider both of them our friends.
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, that's.
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: It's very important to just really talk about that.
• 19:02
  Speaker 3: The next question is what's the difference between love and lust in intimacy?
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: Does lust have a place in marriage?
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: Lust for other people, no, lust for your spouse?
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, that's my answer.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: Lust is kind of portrayed as a negative word.
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: I want Nick to lust over me.
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, and I do.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: I think I shared the story of Amy sending a picture to me where I just stared at my phone screen for like four hours that night and couldn't sleep Like I was like, oh my heck, this is my wife.
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: I was nothing wrong with that.
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: The important aspect is is love is the deepest?
• 19:38
  Speaker 3: Love is the most important it has to.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: Lust should be like more I got to think about my wording here Umirty, playful kind of thing but deep love is what's most important in a relationship, right like I think love, lust has a little bit of place with your spouse with your spouse, but 99% should should be like a deep love but lust for anyone else I don't.
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: I think that was the question yeah lust for other people.
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: No, I think if you're feeling lust for other people, you need to cut that out of your life, whether that's social media or who you're following or what you're looking at.
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: I don't.
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: I don't know what that question was really talking about, but let's look.
• 20:19
  Speaker 3: You need to cut that out.
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: Yep, okay, have you ever felt unconnected with your spouse, and how do you resolve it?
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: Have you ever felt this unconnected for me?
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: Of course, yeah, a lot of times.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: Every couple, like probably weekly.
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: There are moments where we're feeling connected.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: There are moments where we're feeling unconnected.
• 20:40
  Speaker 3: How do you resolve it?
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: I think the biggest mistake people make is they don't talk about it.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: Right, they don't talk about why are we feeling unconnected?
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: What can we do to be more connected?
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: And I think you just have those conversations.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: I would say going back.
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: I know this is a boring response, but if you're feeling unconnected, you're probably not having date nights.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: You're probably not doing a lot of the things you were doing when you were dating.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: So simply, if you want to feel more connected, start going back on date nights, spending time together, going on walks, having good conversations.
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: That'll help you feel connected really quickly absolutely love it.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: Okay, couple more.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: How do you guys relax?
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: As a couple, we suffer from being able to fully relax from home, work and all our responsibilities that is a great question, because we have a hard time relaxing as well.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: I would say really well so it has to be very intentional so amy's and my's job never ends like.
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: We're answering customer service and messages 24 7.
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: We're helping people.
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: We're like we run an app, we run social media.
• 21:43
  Speaker 3: I mean we got, we got tech, tech questions, we get customer service questions, we run, run products.
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: I mean it's never ending.
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not just like at 5 o'clock everything ends and we can shut things off Like it never ends.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: One of the things we have found again not to get too boring, but that's why we make mandatory date nights.
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: For sure Mandatory time that we're spending together, time where we don't look at our phones, even if it's for like two or three hours.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: We're like, hey, are these certain times we're not gonna answer messages?
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: They can wait for a couple hours, or things like that.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: So I would.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: I would just say it's really important to get away.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: Another thing that we do that I think is really vital is we go on vacations.
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: Um, we get away, not often I mean, but we try to get away and spend time together um, like we try once a year, yeah, yeah, and maybe if you have, like, uh, grandparents or someone close or friends that you do trust you could do overnight or every once in a while, if that's possible, that's always nice but you have.
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: But you have to get away from things, and that might look different from everyone, but part of that is not making all those things accessible to you.
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: So to get away from work, maybe you've got to make it so your phone's not accessible to you during those two or three hours, or you watch a movie, I don't know.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: You just do the best you can to spend time together yep, I'm gonna say for this question how do you relax as a couple let's talk about when we aren't leaving, when we're not like like just on a like a normal couple that's off work they're, they still have, you know, a busy mind, mental mind, I mean.
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: I think that's kind of where the question goes for me, because it's like, okay, how do I turn that off?
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: um, especially with a little bit of anxiety and like always worrying about what I need to get done and all that kind of stuff I found and I don't know if this is the best answer, this is just a personal opinion answer I found, we found that sometimes we need to watch a series or a show together, even if it's just 45 minutes a night, to get our minds on something else.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: This is the nights like that we're not being intimate.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: Right, like, of course, being intimate is more important, but if it's a night that you're not being intimate and you don't, you just need to shut things off.
• 24:06
  Speaker 3: I found that I have to kind of like be focused on something else so like putting a show on for an hour or a half hour and then cuddling, make sure it's still like physically bonding, but you're kind of mentally going somewhere else.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: I find that to be really helpful and de-stressing for me.
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's great.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: And Nick de-stresses by going out and sitting by his fire in the backyard turning it on.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: Turning on my headphones, just meditating a little bit.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Right, yeah, meditation, yeah, just getting away.
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: Nothing better than sitting by my fire.
• 24:37
  Speaker 3: And, like we've already mentioned before too, we go on a walk almost every night.
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: Take our dogs, just the two of us.
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: Our kids are in bed, we'll hold hands and we'll talk for 30 minutes and that's a great way.
• 24:48
  Speaker 3: And that's a great way a lot of the time.
• 24:51
  Speaker 3: We're not talking about work, we're talking about just goals and life or things that happen to like just other stuff and it's kind of like a mini date night.
• 24:56
  Speaker 3: So if your kids are old enough, that's a great.
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: That's my tip I like that, let's just go on, get outside and hold hands and talk a little bit yeah okay.
• 25:04
  Speaker 3: Last question at one time you mentioned you were going to try testosterone.
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: Did you?
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: And if so, how is it?
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry I have nothing to report.
• 25:12
  Speaker 3: My levels came back normal we did try to do it okay, this is.
• 25:18
  Speaker 3: I think was it the last episode that we answered or kind of talked about this, not this one yeah, I don't know about the testosterone.
• 25:26
  Speaker 3: Um, this is where it gets tricky.
• 25:28
  Speaker 3: It's because like, okay, I can go spend a bunch of money trying to get my sex drive really high.
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: Or is it really affecting a relationship?
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: negative, because I'm still willing to prioritize it right so let me say something real quick, and I think you hit on the key.
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: If it's, if it's something that is affecting your relationship, then it's probably something to take really serious if it's something yeah to.
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: That's not affecting your relationship.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: So in amy's circumstance she got it done because she's like, yeah, I'd like to see if I'm out of balance.
• 25:55
  Speaker 3: I just got tested.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: I didn't get anything done correct, she just got tested and they came back with like yeah, you're pretty normal, you just have a low desire it could, be mental it could be, it could be other things but we still have a real what we decided, and I want to speak for you.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: But we kind of thought our sex life is still really good.
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: So, okay, I'm not craving it as much as he was probably like.
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: But it also comes with a do I want to do that to my body?
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: Do I want to do something unnatural?
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: Do I want to go train?
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: How much effort and money are you willing to put into that?
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: And if you're, if your intimate life is still great and you're like, okay, maybe you don't need to do anything, we're still prioritizing it, then maybe it's fine.
• 26:33
  Speaker 3: If, if it's really really affecting you negatively in your intimate life, then I would absolutely think that money and time and effort is totally worth going and getting checked and getting your testosterone fixed and all your levels fixed and we have had a couple couples that we know that have had this done and it is like completely.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: But it's a continual process.
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's something that you get into the wives became the higher desire spouse to where their husband was curled up in the corner saying not tonight, honey, I've got a headache.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: Like the women were wanting it, like all the time.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: Yep so it, absolutely it's it's personal to you.
• 27:14
  Speaker 3: So if you really need it, I would go get it checked.
• 27:16
  Speaker 3: Have I done it?
• 27:17
  Speaker 3: No, because our intimate life is we still think is great and we just kind of we are leaving it alone and to clarify when she says did she do it?
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: we started the process, but once we learned that her levels are pretty normal we kind of stopped the process there.
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, right now it's on hold because I don't feel like I really need it.
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: But if I start really feeling like I need it, I'm going to go back to that, okay, okay, I just want to end on one more.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, sorry, this is a good one.
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: Husband gets bored rubbing making me feel good in non-sexual ways.
• 27:52
  Speaker 3: Husband gets bored.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: I don't know how a guy could get bored.
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: I was gonna let you answer because that's a tricky question.
• 27:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know how do you make non-sexual touch stay exciting?
• 28:00
  Speaker 3: That's the question, because a lot of couples are probably wondering the same question yeah I mean that physical touch, the body.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: So this is an interesting question because a lot of women oh, oh, my husband, he only touches me when he wants something, and so it becomes more of like I don't want him to touch me, because I know it will lead to something.
• 28:19
  Speaker 2: We hear a lot of women say that, right, so it's usually like, oh, I don't want him to touch me, and so men sometimes kind of stay away from that right.
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: Unless it's going to lead to something.
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: This is quite a conversation in marriage, because even Nick's like oh, when you do that.
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: That turns me on Like, oh, I'm not going to do that, I'm not in the mood right now.
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: I mean that's like the average couple right?
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: I've had the conversation with Amy, like yeah, when you do that, it turns me on it turns me on.
• 28:50
  Speaker 2: So, like I was like, oh well I don't want to do that, then not right?
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: now.
• 28:52
  Speaker 3: So it's a tricky balance.
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: It's a tricky balance to have the non-sexual touch, physical touch, but there's, we're still hot.
• 28:59
  Speaker 2: We still have the option of holding hands, rubbing their shoulders when they're sitting on the couch um brushing next like I for me, I mean I'm I'm more of a physical touch person than amy and I would say I I'm probably not the best at physical touch with amy, because I know that she's not a physical touch person I don't really crave it she doesn't really crave it.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: Um, but if you're a woman that craves it, I can't imagine a husband not wanting to, you know, physically touch his wife, even if it doesn't lead to something so in this, in this situation, I would just talk to your spouse and just say this is what feels good.
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: It feels good to me.
• 29:40
  Speaker 3: I love it when we're watching a movie and you just rub my arm, I rub it.
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: I love it when you walk past me and you grab my butt, just non-sexually, just when you grab my butt.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: I love it when you hold my hand when we're in the car, like those kind of little things, those, if you love someone, those shouldn't ever have to feel boring.
• 29:55
  Speaker 3: They should almost just feel more natural right like yeah, and for people that aren't physical touch and don't really need that, it's important to to practice that and just kind of get used to it.
• 30:08
  Speaker 3: So it turns more into this natural thing that we do when we're in the car or when I'm sitting next to you.
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: So I mean a lot of these things you shouldn't even have to really think about right, yeah, for sure, yeah, I agree, anyways just keep it fun.
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: Try to keep it fun.
• 30:21
  Speaker 3: We still had more questions.
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: It took two episodes to do.
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: We'll hang on to these and probably do another future podcast with some of them as well.
• 30:28
  Speaker 2: So we appreciate all your comments.
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: There were some great questions.
• 30:31
  Speaker 3: There are some questions in here that we need to get a therapist on that are a little bit deeper.
• 30:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, maybe we could do that so that's probably what will happen, but yeah, so anyways we hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: Email us, let us know what you think.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: Let us know if we missed something that you want to talk about.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: We love hearing from you, we love doing the podcasts and, of course, we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in relationship.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: We'll see you soon.