Latest / ok storytime / My girlfriend’s DRIVE has disappeared, and I’m going to figure out why! -r/relationship_advice | Reddit Stories | EP3154

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My girlfriend’s DRIVE has disappeared, and I’m going to figure out why! -r/relationship_advice | Reddit Stories | EP3154 · ok storytime

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Angie.
• 0:01
  Speaker 2: And this is Carly, your favorite OK Storytime hosts, and
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: we've got some great stories coming up.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: But before that, we.
• 0:07
  Speaker 3: Have a quick two-minute break from our sponsors that keep
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: the show alive.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: My girlfriend's intimacy drive has disappeared, and I'm going to
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: figure out why.
• 0:16
  Speaker 4: I hope we can help her find it.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Back in April-ish, my girlfriend's 25 female and I, 25 male,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: were having spicy sleep two or three times a day.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: We live in an apartment together. She's been taking online
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: classes for her master's, and I'm working from home since
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: the lockdown started. At some point, she got really busy
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: and tired with a project, so we obviously stopped having
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: spicy sleep temporarily. Since that's been over, though, which was
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: nearly four months ago at this point, she's turned me
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: down every time I've tried to initiate or set the mood.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: I have never pressured her. I usually wait a couple
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: of nights before asking again and when she tells me
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: she's not in the mood, which turned into waiting a week,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: which turned into waiting two weeks. At this point, I'm
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: really concerned. We've never gone anywhere near four months without
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: spicy sleep before, and we've both always had pretty high
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: spicy sleep drives. The moment she says she's not in
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: the mood, I back off immediately. I don't think I've
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: messed up anywhere because she's always quite apologetic when she
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: turns me down. Our relationship is pretty much perfect in
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: every other way, too. We cuddle and hug and have
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: game nights and movie nights, and it's never felt like
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: we're drifting apart at any point. She hasn't been behaving differently,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: like she's upset or depressed. By the way, this comes
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: from Throwaway Girlfriend, and if you want to submit your
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: I'm Savannah.
• 1:46
  Speaker 5: I'm Keon, and we have a returning guest here. Can
• 1:49
  Speaker 5: you go ahead and introduce yourself and let the people
• 1:51
  Speaker 5: know who you are and what you do?
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: Hey, everyone.
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: I'm Dr. Shannon Chavez. I'm a psychologist and a therapist,
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: and I'm happy to be back.
• 1:59
  Speaker 5: Yes. Thank you so much for coming back, Dr. Chavez.
• 2:01
  Speaker 5: We're going to have some fun stories today, and hopefully
• 2:04
  Speaker 5: we can give some good advice goofily. And now we
• 2:07
  Speaker 5: have a professional here who can do that as well.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: Alright, OP says, I've tried talking to her about it,
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: but she gets really upset and keeps insisting that nothing
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: is wrong. I drop the matter pretty quickly too because
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I don't want her to feel like I'm pressuring her
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: to have spicy sleep. I just want her to let
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: me in and tell me what's wrong. I honestly don't
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: care about the spicy sleep, but I know there's something
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: she's not telling me and it's gone on long enough
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: that I'm getting extremely worried about her. What do you
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: guys think? And there's an update. But what do you think?
• 2:40
  Speaker 4: So many thoughts. I think the first thing that stood
• 2:43
  Speaker 4: out was the amount of time that they're spending together.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 2:47
  Speaker 4: When you're working in the home, spending all of that
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: shared space, you almost get too familiar with each other.
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: And that's great for certain levels of intimacy, but not
• 2:57
  Speaker 4: spicy intimacy. We need a little mystery and longing and
• 3:00
  Speaker 4: spaciousness together. And I love the eagerness and the, you know,
• 3:05
  Speaker 4: what do you want? What do you need? But that
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: can feel like pressure without being pressure.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:09
  Speaker 4: And that I think can affect just, I have to
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: answer what I want and what I need and if
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: I want to or not. And that puts you in
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: a logical place. And pleasure is very just intuitive. Your
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: body has to be relaxed. You have to be in
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: a mellow state of mind.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: I think it's becoming very mental for them and they're
• 3:25
  Speaker 4: looking for a solution. And that's where I would kind
• 3:28
  Speaker 4: of move away from letting it kind of chill for
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: a bit and resetting a.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: Bit yeah do you think like maybe like waiting until
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: she kind of makes the move per se or like
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: would that be you know maybe she's never gonna make
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: a move because it's been four months now so it's
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: like what are you know i'm here sitting here thinking
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: like oh god like something's going on maybe she's you
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: know depressed or upset or something but maybe she's not
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: telling me but she doesn't seem like she has any
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: signs or anything you know like Like, this is, I
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: don't know. Like, I would think me reading all these stories,
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh, she's cheating or something like that,
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: you know. But I don't think it's that. I think
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: it's something maybe she's, there's been, there's some transition happening,
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: I feel.
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: Something's going on. I mean, there's so many reasons why
• 4:12
  Speaker 4: you cannot want. Pleasure. I mean, stress, overwhelm, not feeling
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: great about your body.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: So instead of it being one thing and let's fix
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: that and make everything better, I would say get out,
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: go do something, make a, you know, an intention for
• 4:27
  Speaker 4: a date or something really low key, nothing with high expectations.
• 4:32
  Speaker 4: And start relaxing, feeling good, and open the conversation about
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: what you want and what you desire rather than do
• 4:38
  Speaker 4: you want this?
• 4:39
  Speaker 6: Yes.
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: And what is making you feel good? Sometimes we're putting
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: our energy towards pleasure that isn't spicy stuff, but it's
• 4:46
  Speaker 4: still fulfilling us. And so we might feel our cup
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: is full, but we might need to just transition a
• 4:53
  Speaker 4: little bit into other activities. And play mode. She's not
• 4:57
  Speaker 4: in play mode. I feel stress. I feel urgency. I
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: feel the pressure even though it's not there. She might
• 5:03
  Speaker 4: be putting it on herself.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think so too. But we got an update. Ultimately,
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: I decided to go for sort of a combo of
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: the two suggestions. Friday, when we were both done with work,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: we sat down and had a discussion. I told her
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: that I could give her the space and time she
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: needed until she was ready to talk to me about it,
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: but that I couldn't leave it unaddressed. She needed to
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: acknowledge that there at least was something she didn't feel
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: ready to tell me, and that was fine. but she
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: at least needed to acknowledge its existence. If only so
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: I stopped feeling like I was going crazy. She started
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: sobbing when I was done, and then she started explaining everything.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: Some background that I didn't mention in my previous post
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: because it didn't really seem relevant is that my girlfriend
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: has PCOD. Do you know what that is? I mean,
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: I'm sure you know what that is. Yes. Do you
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: explain it to the audience?
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: I have a lot of empathy. polycystic ovarian disease. And
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: when you have this, it greatly affects your libido, it
• 6:05
  Speaker 4: affects just feeling good in your body, comfort. It can
• 6:08
  Speaker 4: affect your sleep, so many levels of your well-being. So
• 6:12
  Speaker 4: I completely changed my whole perspective on this. That is
• 6:16
  Speaker 4: a major thing to go through. And a lot of
• 6:18
  Speaker 4: women are misdiagnosed and don't get good treatment. So she
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: might be kind of suffering in silence or not really
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: getting what she needs. And The breakdown feels like a breakthrough, though,
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: because that feels like, oh, I finally got out what
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: part of this is. And that allows him to support.
• 6:33
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: In better ways. Oh, now I feel really bad.
• 6:38
  Speaker 4: But there's ways through this. Yes, there's a lot you
• 6:40
  Speaker 4: can do about it.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. One of the consequences of this is
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: that she finds it very difficult to lose weight and
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: she has been insecure about her body for most of
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: her life. About a year ago, completely of her own choice,
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: she resolved to start losing weight, both for her health
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: and to feel better about her body. She started going
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: to the gym a couple of times a week, and
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: I was supportive and also cut out all of my
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: own junk food consumption in solidarity. Since the lockdown started
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: and the gyms shut down, apparently she started slowly gaining
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: some weight back due to stress eating and lack of exercise.
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I am ashamed to say I did not even notice
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: that she was torturing herself over her weight all this while.
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: She admitted that she stopped having spicy sleep because she
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: was terrified I would stop finding her attractive after seeing
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: her unclothed. I reassured her that I think she's gorgeous
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: and attractive no matter what, and I tell her this
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: every day, but she was afraid that would have changed
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: once I saw the weight she had put on. The
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: rest of the conversation consisted of me reassuring her that
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: she's beautiful and her appreciating but not really believing me.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: After a bit, she asked me to change the topic
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: and I reluctantly agreed. We had a fairly quiet dinner.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: She was a little sad and relieved at the same
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: time at having told me, I think, and I was
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: busy scheming. The next morning before work, I told her
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: she'd look lovely again. And she gave me a wan
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: smile like she appreciated it but didn't really believe me.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: But that was okay. I was going to convince her.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: I asked her to pick up the groceries that evening
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: because I was going to have a meeting run late.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: The moment she left home, I got to work. I
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: dug out some fairy lights and a bunch of candles
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: from storage and started setting them up in the living room.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Cute.
• 8:31
  Speaker 4: Yes, I love this.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I made a couple of playlists and charged the speaker.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: Then I snuck down to the florist and bought a
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: giant bouquet. Some more background, I hate dancing because I
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: suck massively at it, while my girlfriend loves it. She
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: used to go dancing every month or two with her
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: girlfriends before lockdown. I'd join in because it was worth
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: how happy it made her, but she definitely missed it
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: way more than I did. So when she got back, naturally,
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: I greeted her with what were probably the most ridiculous
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: dance moves in the history of mankind. I'm not gonna lie, folks,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: she laughed. She laughed a lot. She took a short video,
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: and we both laughed while watching it later. My movement
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: resembled a five-year-old practicing kung fu more than it resembled dancing,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: and I had stuck a rose in my ear for
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: maximum ridiculousness. Totally worth it, though. I have no idea
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: how she ever thought she's ugly. Her smile is just
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: so radiant. We danced like idiots for a while before
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: I switched to the slow dance playlist. It was definitely
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: the happiest I'd seen her in a long time. I'd
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: been a bad boyfriend and somehow missed how much she
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: missed everything else. I should have done it months ago.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I told her all this. I told her she's the
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: most beautiful woman in my eyes and always will be.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: And yeah, we had spicy sleep.
• 9:55
  Speaker 7: Success last night was all about her she needed to
• 10:01
  Speaker 7: feel special and i had been missing that for too
• 10:03
  Speaker 7: long i offered to make dance nights a weekly thing
• 10:07
  Speaker 7: afterwards kind of as a substitute for the workout she's
• 10:10
  Speaker 7: been missing she wants she teared up a little because
• 10:14
  Speaker 7: she knows how much i hate dancing She told me
• 10:17
  Speaker 7: that wasn't necessary.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: Apparently spicy sleep is just as much of a workout
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: as dancing, and we have a lot of missed workouts
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: to catch up on. I'm certainly not complaining. In all seriousness, though,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: I'm going to dip into my savings a little and
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: order a home treadmill. She can't afford one right now
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: because of college bills, so I'll surprise her with it. Edit,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: one thing I saw pop up a couple of times
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: that I just want to reassure you guys about. is
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: that she's mentioned wanting a treadmill but not being able
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: to afford one several times in the past, so I
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: know she wants one. However, I figured it's dumb to
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: take the chance and one surprise was good enough. And
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: if there's anything this whole experience has taught me, it's
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: the importance of communication. So I'm going to bring it
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: up at dinner tonight that I comfortably have enough saved
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: up to purchase a home workout machine since I saw
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: cycles and ellipticals being mentioned and we'll figure out which
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: one we want. And then I'd love to buy one
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: for our home for both of us to use. There
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: is a little bit left of this story. Any final
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: thoughts you got for us?
• 11:21
  Speaker 4: I love the change that was seen and how something
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: as simple as the communication opened up a different shift
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: towards pleasure activities, dance, things that were missing in the
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: relationship rather than the pressure towards the spicy stuff because
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: it came from creating that environment. I think that's a
• 11:40
  Speaker 4: nice reminder.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Oh for sure i loved how he like brought in
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: stuff that she you know once couldn't and once loved
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: and couldn't do now because of everything happening in the
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: world and whatnot and none of it was you know
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: her fault i feel like she was taking it very
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: personal like i'm not getting out enough i'm not doing
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: things i used to do well but there was also
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: the world is in lockdown so you kind of can't
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: you have to change your entire you know situation so
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: i think that they did great job.
• 12:06
  Speaker 4: Yes. And in dealing with body image issues or not
• 12:09
  Speaker 4: feeling great about yourself, no matter how much reassurance that
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: you receive, it doesn't mean that it's not working, but
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: we have to continue to try to convince ourselves to
• 12:19
  Speaker 4: feel that way. So I hope she takes that in.
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: She is hearing you, even though it's hard to accept
• 12:24
  Speaker 4: that sometimes. And that's a relationship she'll build with herself.
• 12:28
  Speaker 4: But I hope she gives herself permission after feeling a
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: little better.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: That's the good shift that I heard.
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: And we love to hear it. Let's finish it up.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Edit number two. Final edit. She loved the idea of
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: getting some equipment to do our workouts at home together.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: So we're going to sit down and do our research
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: tonight before picking the one we like most. And that
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: is the end of that story. How nice. I think
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: it ended great. We figured out what was wrong. She
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: just was a little insecure. And she also has her,
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: you know, health issues that she's working through. So I
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: think all in all, it was a happy ending.
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: Happy ending. And the treadmill brought them even closer together.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: The treadmill is... Is the thing that's going to keep
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: them together. Symbolic.
• 13:33
  Speaker 4: Amazing. Happy for them.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: And that's the end of the story. We're going to
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: go on to the next one. My once devoted boyfriend
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: avoids me constantly, so I gave him a taste of
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: life without me.
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: I wonder what happened next.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: We've been a couple for four years, living together for three.
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: My boyfriend, 25, used to be almost obsessed with me,
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: 25 female. He couldn't wait to see me again and
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: make plans for the coolest activities. I can't believe how
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: different it is now. He's an amazing person and we
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: fit together so well. We barely argue. We always seem
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: to think about the same things at the same time.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: We have the same dreams and beliefs. I still think
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: we're great together. He has an okay job, and while
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: he used to not be able to wait to come
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: home to me, he comes home later and later each time.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: Sometimes he'll say he's back at a certain time, but
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: he arrives three hours later. He had to work a
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: second job during the weekends for three months this winter,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: so we basically only saw each other for dinner and sleeping.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: Before he took the second job, he asked me what
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: I thought about it and told me, it would be
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: a hard time with us barely seeing each other. I
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: thought we can make it work. Now that the second
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: job is over, we still only see each other for
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: eating and sleeping. We only have spicy sleep once or
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: twice a month. He knows that I feel the strongest
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: connection with him when we get intimate, that I long
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: for it, but he's always too tired. I didn't let
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: myself go. I look almost like I did when we
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: first met. I know that most people think we're playing
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: in different leagues looks wise. I know other men are
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: still very attracted to me. By the way, this comes
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: from Less Mixture, and if you want to submit your
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: I'm Savannah.
• 15:32
  Speaker 5: I'm Keon, and we have a returning guest here today.
• 15:35
  Speaker 5: Can you go ahead and explain who you are and
• 15:36
  Speaker 5: what you do?
• 15:37
  Speaker 4: I'm Dr. Shannon Chavez. I'm a psychologist and a sex therapist.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: Yes, she is. And we are so happy to have
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: you here today. Thanks for having me. Thank you so
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: much for coming. And we're going to give you some stories,
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: talk about some things, give you some advice. But we
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: don't have all your answers. We're only going to tell
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: you what we would do. But let us know what
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: you would do down in the comments. As OP says,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: he's too tired for anything. Doesn't even want to go
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: for walks or swimming. Weirdly, whenever his friends, family, and
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: colleagues ask to do activities with him, he's hooked.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: Wow. Yikes. Yikes.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: That's not great at all. That's a horrible way to
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: go about this. He'll say things like, that I allowed
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: him to go meet them again, just because I told
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: him that in order to make this relationship work, we
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: should do things outside of our home, and that he
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: needs to make time not only to meet friends, but
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: also for us, too, to do something together, other than
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: eating and sleeping. He'll sometimes make plans with me for
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: the weekend on Monday, but then make plans with his
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: friends in another city, and then he'll say things like,
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: he didn't know I took these plans literal... even though
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: I had told him that I had canceled other plans
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: that day in order to make time for him. He
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: makes plans for a vacation with a friend this year.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: We also have plans for a vacation this year, but
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: he doesn't seem to be very into planning it. And
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: he even said he'll need to find a new job first.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: I don't want him to fall out of love, but
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: I feel helpless. I'm wondering if I'm too available. He's
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: certainly not cheating on me. He's just avoiding me. He
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: knows I'm sad about the situation. Do you have any
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: advice for me? There's an update. So what do we think?
• 17:44
  Speaker 4: I was thinking the availability because often we need that
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: little bit of spaciousness just to get excited again. And
• 17:52
  Speaker 4: it sounds like he's getting excited for outside of the
• 17:54
  Speaker 4: relationship energy, right? Friendship and gatherings and things outside of their.
• 18:00
  Speaker 5: Coupleship.
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: So I think, you know, and then Availability and not
• 18:04
  Speaker 4: being available isn't to play games or to create dynamics
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: of forcing someone into something, but it can make you
• 18:12
  Speaker 4: work a little bit differently towards those actions rather than, hmm,
• 18:16
  Speaker 4: do we want to do that, yes or no? I
• 18:18
  Speaker 4: think sometimes it's too available and it puts us in that, well,
• 18:21
  Speaker 4: yes or no, and we start to logic whether we
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: want to do something rather than doing things we truly desire. Like,
• 18:27
  Speaker 4: I want to spend time with you and here's what
• 18:29
  Speaker 4: we're doing and being more direct and forward. rather than
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: kind of waiting for them to make space for you.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I think it's funny that she, that she's saying,
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: you know, maybe I'm making myself too available, but then
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: they're literally spending no time together, you know, besides like
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: eating and sleeping. But then I don't know if like
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: they should, you know, when she says too available, like,
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: is she meaning, you know, she's wants to spend more
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: time with him. So she's making herself available and then
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: he's not like, you know.
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: Well, I think the fear is people will stop asking
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: and they fear that if I don't ask or if
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: I'm not making the effort, then he's really not going
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: to want to spend time. But right now it feels
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: like it's kind of a pressure cooker. So she's asking
• 19:11
  Speaker 4: and waiting and kind of being hopeful and it may
• 19:14
  Speaker 4: come across as needy or overwhelming. He's saying I'm tired, right?
• 19:18
  Speaker 4: He's tired for certain things, but other activities that feel
• 19:22
  Speaker 4: a little lighter, maybe less expectation, he's motivated by. So
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: I'd say... There's something in the approach or the way
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: it's being brought up that maybe he's resentful of or
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: maybe he does feel like she's nagging or pushing and
• 19:38
  Speaker 4: it doesn't feel exciting or it doesn't feel easy in
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: some way.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Well, let's find out. There's an update. What happened after
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: I made the post? I wrote him a letter hinting
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: that this relationship won't work if it continues like this.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: I also printed the post I had made and the
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: comments I got. I thought maybe it would help if
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: he sees it from a different perspective. I put the
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: letter and what I printed on the bed together with
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: a photo book of an amazing vacation we had. I
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: then removed the SIM card from my phone, A, because
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to communicate with him until he read
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: what I had left on the bed, and B, because
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: the phone was actually his old one, as my actual
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: phone had been sent in to be repaired and had
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: now arrived at my parents, and that's where I wanted
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: to spend the weekend. Then I picked up all of
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: our pets and left for my hometown. I always take
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: them with me when I visit my parents. Apparently, he
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: came home early from work, only about an hour after
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: I had left, to a deserted apartment. When I put
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: the SIM card back into the repaired phone about seven
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: hours later, he had left a few messages saying that
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: he had read what I had written and printed out,
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: thought a lot about all this, he had looked through
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: the photo book, and had a conversation with a friend.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: That friend is almost twice as old as we are,
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: used to be his drinking buddy, and is sort of
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: a father figure for my boyfriend. He said that this
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: friend had gone through the same situation with his wife. Apparently,
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: he had been so stressed out by his job going downhill,
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: he tried to safe it out by working longer hours,
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: which sometimes created some tension between his wife and him,
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: so he avoided her by going out for drinks every night,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: creating a vicious cycle of her being unhappy about not
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: seeing him and him avoiding her even more. But he
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: had found a solution. he realized that his job shouldn't
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: define his life. He made a list of goals he
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: wants to tick off each week. His marriage has apparently
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: been going very well since then. It's the reason why
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: I said he used to be my boyfriend's drinking buddy.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: My boyfriend said it dawned on him. He's in the
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: same situation. He's putting in as much effort as the
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: CEO who doesn't even appreciate his work. He doesn't want
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: to lose me. I'm the best thing that has ever
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: come to his life. He apparently cried a lot and
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: made his own list of ghouls he wants to tick
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: off each week. When I came back Sunday night, I
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: found it on our fridge. It has very specific ghouls
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: about him working less overtime and making up for the
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: lost time by taking time off, spontaneously going out only
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: once a week max with his drinking buddies, and spending
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: time with me doing real activities at least twice a week.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: anything you'd like to talk about?
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: Well, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: Kind of reminded me why we don't want to make
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: assumptions in relationships, right? We always assume it must be
• 22:37
  Speaker 4: me or I'm not doing enough. But in this particular story,
• 22:41
  Speaker 4: it's deeper than that, right? The struggles that people are
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: going through that they're not sharing or maybe they don't
• 22:47
  Speaker 4: have words to. But this friend kind of came in
• 22:51
  Speaker 4: in that moment where you feel, oh, yes, that's what's
• 22:54
  Speaker 4: going on. Now I have words for it. Now I
• 22:56
  Speaker 4: can tell you what's going on. That then leads to
• 22:59
  Speaker 4: efforts and needs and being able to figure it out together.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: It always seems like the biggest thing in these stories
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: is the communication.
• 23:08
  Speaker 4: Communication, yes.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: It's always the biggest thing.
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: As easy and simple as it sounds, but the hardest
• 23:14
  Speaker 4: thing to do when you don't know what to say
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: or where to start. And I always say, let it
• 23:19
  Speaker 4: be messy. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's also
• 23:21
  Speaker 4: not going to be resolved in one conversation. You have
• 23:24
  Speaker 4: to give it some time. Let it build on it
• 23:27
  Speaker 4: and add to it and Make that effort. Make it
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: a continual habit to talk about what's going on in
• 23:33
  Speaker 4: your individual lives as well as together.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: No, that's true. I never I never thought to be like, oh, yes,
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: like it does not have to be all solved. See,
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I need it resolved because I'm done. I
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: want that.
• 23:48
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah. Easy.
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: Just fix it.
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: Yes. I'm like, just like, you know, you spilled something.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Wipe it off the floor. It's all done. It's all done.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: We don't like, you know. And maybe it'll come back.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: You'll spill something else and then I'll have to clean
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: it up again. You know, whatever. But it's just like, oh,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: it just seems like it's so stressful. I'm not in
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: a relationship, so I don't have to deal with any
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: of this. But like I could only imagine like the
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: relationships I have been in. Yeah. It's like, oh, I
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: feel so much better just like being in tune with
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: myself right now. And I'm OK with that.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: Good.
• 24:19
  Speaker 4: Well, the relationship with yourself helps you have a better
• 24:22
  Speaker 4: relationship with a partner.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: Exactly.
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: But you bring up a good point when we want
• 24:27
  Speaker 4: things to be really clean and squeaky clean and fixable.
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: But most relationship problems are not solvable problems. We call
• 24:35
  Speaker 4: them perpetual problems. Maybe they're just differences in habits or personality.
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: And you do things differently. And we project that onto
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: our partners. Like, why can't you just do it like me?
• 24:45
  Speaker 4: And that creates what we call a power struggle. in
• 24:48
  Speaker 4: relationships where we start getting angry and resentful. And oftentimes
• 24:52
  Speaker 4: we just have to look at, is this a real
• 24:54
  Speaker 4: solvable thing or do I need to create some space
• 24:56
  Speaker 4: for understanding or ask questions, be curious, because obviously they're
• 25:02
  Speaker 4: having two very different relationship experiences, but want the same thing,
• 25:07
  Speaker 4: just coming at it differently.
• 25:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: So how could you say, for instance, you know, like
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: they're like the two people in the relationship are, you know,
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: more power hungry and want this person to be this
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: specific way. And, you know, are always having this kind
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: of argument. How can that be like, you know, I
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: guess not solvable, but like kind.
• 25:27
  Speaker 5: Of compromised or find a midway or something like that.
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: The art of compromise. I think it takes listening versus reacting.
• 25:36
  Speaker 4: Because most people are listening to create a response, right?
• 25:39
  Speaker 4: I'm hearing you, but I have something to say or
• 25:41
  Speaker 4: a reason why. And we become these lawyers creating a debate.
• 25:45
  Speaker 4: I'm building my case based on what you're saying rather
• 25:48
  Speaker 4: than having real solutions. And listening allows you to have empathy.
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: Be like, oh, I get that. I understand why. Knowing
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: you the way I do and that intimacy in the
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: way you know each other helps you elicit that easier.
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: But we're used to reacting and we listen very, you know,
• 26:05
  Speaker 4: very small bits of information and we may misunderstand what's
• 26:08
  Speaker 4: really important to our partner. So I like marrying where
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: you repeat back what you hear. Like I'm hearing you
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: say you're really stressed out and don't have time for us.
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: Does that mean that maybe now isn't a great time
• 26:20
  Speaker 4: for us to take that vacation or. you mentioned you
• 26:23
  Speaker 4: haven't got a good night's sleep in a while. Maybe
• 26:25
  Speaker 4: we should look at different times for us to have
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: spicy time. So you then can compromise much easier without
• 26:31
  Speaker 4: reacting and getting your emotion involved with it. Motion is important,
• 26:35
  Speaker 4: but if it's driving our communication, it's going to end
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: up causing defensiveness and maybe criticizing one another. And you
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: have to remember you're working on the same team. You
• 26:44
  Speaker 4: want the same thing.
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: I know. And that's what I feel like a lot
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: of people get caught up on. It's like, no, I'm right.
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: I'm right. It's like, That's not the point of it.
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: I always tell my clients, both of you are right.
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: Nobody is wrong or right. You're both right in how
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: you feel. But can you hold space for both of
• 27:00
  Speaker 4: those rights?
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: Yes. I love that. We got a little bit left.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: Let's finish it up. Since then, our dynamic has changed entirely.
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: We had Spice's sleep. We cuddled. We talked. He was there.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: Now it's only been six days since I made the post,
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: but I hope it stays this great between us. I
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: guess the realizations he had could help him with keeping
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: up with his new goal habits. Weirdly, all the talks
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: we had before when I told him I was unhappy
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: because we didn't see each other much probably contributed to
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: him avoiding me even more after already being stressed from work.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: This talk was different because it made him realize that
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: he'd lose me if it continued like this. and because
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: it made him reach out to his friend. Maybe the
• 27:48
  Speaker 1: deserted apartment contributed as well, because it was a little
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: taste into life without me. And then TLDR, I probably
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: owe my boyfriend's friend big time. And that's the end
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: of that.
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: Another happy ending.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: I know. We usually do not get those.
• 28:05
  Speaker 5: Especially back to back, too.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: This is pretty refreshing. Breakthroughs.
• 28:10
  Speaker 4: Go communication, right? I mean, both stories, good communication, vulnerability,
• 28:15
  Speaker 4: all the things that you need as a recipe for
• 28:17
  Speaker 4: good intimacy.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Exactly. See, I'm waiting for the chat to be like,
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: divorce or dump him or red flags. Right now, it's
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: just like, love that. This looks so good. Patience.
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Stumble a little.
• 28:32
  Speaker 4: Let it be messy.
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: And that's the end of the story. We're going to
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: go on to the next one.
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: Hey, it's Angie, your favorite fake redhead host here.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: And we're going to get back to the stories. But
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: here's a three minute ad break from our sponsors. My
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: husband confessed to his friends that he doesn't think I'm
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: beautiful anymore. And I've heard enough of it.
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: You should be done with that for sure.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: I'm newly married. After our honeymoon, my husband had a
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: group of video calls with his best friends. After I
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: said hello and chatted with them for a bit, I
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: excused myself to go for a walk. I decided I
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: needed to get my raincoat because it looked like it
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: was about to rain, but my husband and his friends
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: thought I had already gone out. Oh no.
• 29:19
  Speaker 4: I know where this is going.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: This is gonna be messy. It's about to start pouring.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: They started interrogating him about our honeymoon, and they were
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: all teasing and laughing until one of his best friends
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: asked him if my looks were still an issue for him.
• 29:38
  Speaker 5: Still an issue?
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Ooh.
• 29:41
  Speaker 5: Still an issue and you're newly married.
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: Crazy that's what i was thinking you married into this
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: and you had an issue about how she looked and
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: he's bringing it up after you know a honeymoon whatever
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: blah blah you still like her Like that's crazy to ask.
• 29:58
  Speaker 4: And it being a discovery, like hearing it versus being
• 30:01
  Speaker 4: told and openly talked about in a private safe space.
• 30:04
  Speaker 4: So even more of a betrayal or feeling of trauma.
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: My husband told her that he loved me, that we
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: had a great honeymoon and that I'm beautiful on the inside.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: And then she said, you can't have it all. She
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: kept pushing, asking whether he felt he had downgraded from
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: his ex-girlfriend. And he said, Maybe, but she makes me happy.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: Another friend then interjected and said I wasn't bad looking
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: if I lost some weight and my husband agreed. Nothing
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: feels the same anymore. I always knew I wasn't beautiful,
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: but I thought that he liked how I looked or
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: at least didn't mind it so much. I know he
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: values my other qualities and that he loves me and
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: is very kind to me, but I don't feel good
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: with him and I haven't been happy since that day.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: Five weeks ago. By the way, this comes from deleted.
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: And if you want to spend your own stories, go
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Savannah.
• 31:02
  Speaker 5: I'm Keon. And we have a returning guest here today.
• 31:05
  Speaker 5: Can you go ahead and let them know who you
• 31:06
  Speaker 5: are and what you do?
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: I'm Dr.
• 31:08
  Speaker 4: Shannon Chavez. I'm a relationship expert.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: And we welcome you. Thank you for coming here today.
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: Thanks for having me. We love having people. But we
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: are here to give some good advice, Goofly. But we
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: do not have all of your answers. We only tell
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: you what we would do. But let us know what
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: you would do down in the comments. As OP says,
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: I have lost weight over these weeks. And he's paid
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: me a lot of compliments about it. But I don't
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: want him commenting on my physical appearance anymore. I hate
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: every encouraging word he has to say. And yet, I
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: feel like I need to be more appealing to him.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: Any advice would be helpful. And there's an update. What
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: advice would you have?
• 31:51
  Speaker 4: Oh, I'm feeling the sting of hearing those things. Because
• 31:55
  Speaker 4: once you hear them, you can't unhear them. And it
• 31:57
  Speaker 4: changes your trust and even your perception of the relationship.
• 32:01
  Speaker 4: It can be psychologically traumatic to think, what I thought
• 32:04
  Speaker 4: was our relationship is now not. And there's a secrecy
• 32:08
  Speaker 4: and all this stuff going on behind my back. And
• 32:12
  Speaker 4: I see the effort to want to feel attractive, but
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: it's deeper than that. I always find if someone is
• 32:18
  Speaker 4: being blatantly critical of someone, especially about their looks, it's
• 32:23
  Speaker 4: often what they're feeling about themselves. So I would say
• 32:26
  Speaker 4: there's something in insecurity within him that he's projecting onto her.
• 32:31
  Speaker 4: And it should be, yes, feel good about yourself, but
• 32:34
  Speaker 4: don't do it as a way to try to motivate
• 32:36
  Speaker 4: him to come back. I think that's going to be
• 32:39
  Speaker 4: a short-lived solution, and I would approach it. Attraction is multilayered,
• 32:44
  Speaker 4: and physical is not the most important in what keeps
• 32:47
  Speaker 4: a relationship together.
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: And also, I think his friends have a lot to
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: do with how he's thinking as well, like being in
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: his ears of just like, You know, you still like her? Oh, like,
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: do you think you downgraded? You know, like, that's so, ah,
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: that's so messed up to say.
• 33:03
  Speaker 4: There'd be a little jealousy there, especially, I hate to say,
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: you know, female-male friend dynamic. Is there something there? That
• 33:11
  Speaker 4: doesn't feel like a supportive friend. It feels like someone
• 33:13
  Speaker 4: who's trying to instigate or stir something.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Up in that relationship. Yeah.
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: Ugh.
• 33:19
  Speaker 5: I hope he's newly married. About to be newly divorced.
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: Ugh.
• 33:23
  Speaker 4: That's going to take a lot of repair, and that's
• 33:25
  Speaker 4: going to be some deep work for those two.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: Well, there is an update four days later. I told
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: my husband what I'd overheard him and his friends talking about.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: I asked him if I was ugly to him, and
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: he was shocked and told me, of course not. I
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: asked him about his ex-girlfriend, who I had never even
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: heard of, and he started telling me how before he
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: met me, he only went after looks. The last one
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: was his ex-girlfriend who, according to him, only used him
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: and made him feel miserable. When that relationship ended, he
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: thought back on his love life and realized that he
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: had never actually felt happiness in his relationships, and he
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: promised himself to find someone different from what he'd usually
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: gone for. Our marriage wasn't arranged, to answer one of
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: the comments in my previous post, but where I come from,
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: people don't have spicy sleep before marriage. My husband and
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: I met about two years ago through mutual friends. We
• 34:24
  Speaker 1: talked for about a year before he proposed, and now
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: we're married. His friends, who he's known for over a
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: decade since college, were very surprised upon meeting me because
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: I'm not his usual type. Apparently in the beginning, he
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: told him that he wasn't so sure about me, but
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: that he was trying something new. When he got to
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: know me better and we started to get along and
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: talk for hours, He said he realized he hadn't been
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: this happy with anyone else before, maybe ever. Before our wedding,
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: his ex-girlfriend reached out to him and told him she
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: was still in love with him. She was freaking out
• 35:02
  Speaker 1: because she'd heard that he was getting married in a
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: couple of months, and it was now or never for her. Yikes.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: I mean, what do you do in that situation? Like,
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: you know, your ex is coming at you now being like,
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: You know, time's ticking. Are we going to get back together?
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I found someone who
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: I actually love.
• 35:24
  Speaker 4: I moved on. I'm happy. That happens more often than not.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah.
• 35:30
  Speaker 5: You're an ex. Stay an ex. You know, there's a reason.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: My husband told this to his friends and they suggested
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: that he should meet up with her to at least
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: get closure, if nothing else.
• 35:44
  Speaker 5: So we were on the money with the friends kind
• 35:46
  Speaker 5: of whispering in the ear.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: So they're not true friends.
• 35:49
  Speaker 4: They're all in on it, I bet.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: Oh, for sure. Get rid of them. He did. And
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: he realized he had made the right decision in choosing me.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: So we did go on that meeting. I mean... I
• 36:03
  Speaker 1: don't know. How would you feel? Would you be like
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: betrayed that he went and saw his ex without saying
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: anything and then coming back be like, yeah, I know
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: I made the right decision?
• 36:11
  Speaker 4: I think that needs to be communicated clearly and openly
• 36:15
  Speaker 4: before going because that can feel like a betrayal. I
• 36:18
  Speaker 4: would want to talk about what is closure? You know,
• 36:20
  Speaker 4: is closure one last make out session? I mean, I
• 36:23
  Speaker 4: would be really clear on the boundaries of that. Especially
• 36:26
  Speaker 4: when this person has an ulterior motive and is looking
• 36:29
  Speaker 4: to get you back. I mean, he sounds a little
• 36:32
  Speaker 4: sneaky and I think that would be better to disclose
• 36:36
  Speaker 4: that first.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: I had to interrogate him to get all of this
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: out of him. I wasn't taking no for an answer.
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: He said he loved me and I believe him. He
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: does love and care about me and he's truthful when
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: he says I make him happy. But after hearing everything,
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: I don't know what to feel. I really thought more
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: passion and lust and butterflies were involved, at least in
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: the beginning. It was that way for me. Anyways, but
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: for him, it feels like he chose me based only
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: on his past experiences and that it had nothing to
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: do with me. He has replaced beauty and passion with oatmeal.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: That is very interesting. That's a new one. I haven't
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: heard that one before. That is a new one. It's
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: good for you, but nothing you look forward to having.
• 37:22
  Speaker 4: Oh, I disagree.
• 37:24
  Speaker 5: I disagree. I like oatmeal.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: Now everything is back to normal and yet not really.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: He's more careful to show me love and compliment me.
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: I got flowers and jewelry and he has booked a
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: weekend trip. I don't know if it's hurt or disappointment
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: that I'm feeling. And I don't know if I'm disappointed
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: in him, in my dreams, or in this whole marriage thing.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: But I feel that everything is different now. And there's
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: an edit. The friends were interrogating my husband because they
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: thought his ex was more his type and that choosing
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: me wouldn't work in the long run. There is a
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: little bit left. What advice do you have for her? Oh, boy.
• 38:02
  Speaker 4: I mean, it's all different.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: It is different.
• 38:05
  Speaker 4: And it's okay for it to be different. I think
• 38:07
  Speaker 4: you have to kind of start over from this point
• 38:09
  Speaker 4: because obviously... Sounds like he's doing a little growing up.
• 38:12
  Speaker 4: He's evolving. He's recognized what happiness is versus maybe sort
• 38:17
  Speaker 4: of the superficial time in his life, friends, social influence.
• 38:21
  Speaker 4: So give it an opportunity, but rebuilding that trust and repair.
• 38:25
  Speaker 4: Give him the opportunity to just show you he can
• 38:27
  Speaker 4: be consistent and build the connection that you want. And
• 38:33
  Speaker 4: getting past some of those hurts, you may always remember them,
• 38:36
  Speaker 4: but you can move past them.
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah. It's just, it's hard. I think it is going
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: to take a lot of time, a lot of work,
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: a lot of effort on his part to gain back
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: that trust because it is like a complete betrayal of
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: just being like, I never knew this. And now you're
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: just second guessing everything about the relationship.
• 38:53
  Speaker 4: Second guessing. Exactly. It makes you not trust yourself. And
• 38:56
  Speaker 4: that's where it can feel traumatic. Like, how did I
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: not know? Or did I make a mistake? And these
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: things happen. So I don't think every relationship is perfect, but.
• 39:05
  Speaker 4: The ability to repair and move forward is a test
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: of your relationship. Is he willing to do that work?
• 39:11
  Speaker 4: Whether it's going to therapy or getting rid of some
• 39:14
  Speaker 4: people in his life that are negative influences. And she
• 39:17
  Speaker 4: should have the right to talk about that.
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, for sure.
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: Hey, I don't feel comfortable around these people. Or obviously
• 39:22
  Speaker 4: they're not supporting your relationship, which means they don't support
• 39:25
  Speaker 4: you or your happiness.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: Exactly. Ugh. Hate these friends.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: Rid of them. They're done. Get rid of them.
• 39:31
  Speaker 4: Enough is enough.
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: There is another edit here. I'm not beautiful, yes, but
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: I have never been considered ugly. I'm very average looking.
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: His ex-girlfriend, on the other hand, is model beautiful. In fact,
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: she was an aspiring model in her teens and early 20s.
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: I'm not overweight either, but I'm not skinny. Edit number three.
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: My husband has now seen my post and he has
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: apologized and said he's ashamed of himself and what he's done.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: I still don't know how to feel about everything. Maybe
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: my best option is to wait and see what becomes
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: of us. No strings attached and no future plans for now.
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: We need to be sure if we really want this. Peace.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: I think that was more peace. But I went with peace.
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: I love that. But that is the end of that story.
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: But I don't know. Do you think, like, is there
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: a future for them, do you think? Or do you
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: think she's done?
• 40:30
  Speaker 4: Yes, there's a future. I mean, there's no fairytale ending
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: in any marriage. So we go into it and we
• 40:35
  Speaker 4: have this fantasy that it's all perfect and it's all
• 40:37
  Speaker 4: love and romance. The reality of it is it's a
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: lot of work. It's a lot of vulnerability and communication,
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: as we're saying. So I think every marriage has many
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: beginnings and endings. It sounds like they had to get
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: past this part of themselves where they weren't being secure
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: and honest and open in their relationship. Sometimes those are
• 40:56
  Speaker 4: the biggest catalyst for a relationship to thrive. So sometimes pain,
• 41:01
  Speaker 4: out of pain comes resilience and closeness and bonding. So
• 41:06
  Speaker 4: I don't think it's over for these two.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: And it's also very fresh they just got married just
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: got on their honeymoon they've known each other for two
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: years you know like do you have okay specifically for
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: you is there like a timeline you think like okay
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: we've been together for like this long now we can
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: get married or you think that that is just like
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: you know subjective like i don't know if it would
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: be to me in my mind i my thinking I
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: guess ideal would be like I would have to be
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: like five plus years in order to feel comfortable enough
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: with you, I feel. But I don't know if like
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: that's just because there's not really a limit. You can
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: just do it whenever.
• 41:44
  Speaker 4: That's the thing. There is no rule or magical number.
• 41:47
  Speaker 4: But I do think you bring up a good point.
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: Readiness and your experience and it can be different for everyone.
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: I know people that have. gone married after a month
• 41:55
  Speaker 4: and they are still married and they have an amazing
• 41:58
  Speaker 4: relationship and others that have been together for decades and
• 42:02
  Speaker 4: still are not sure and still questioning. So I think
• 42:05
  Speaker 4: it really depends. But I do want people to remember
• 42:08
  Speaker 4: you can design any relationship you want. We don't have
• 42:11
  Speaker 4: to step into marriage with this idea of what we
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: saw our parents do or what our friends are doing.
• 42:17
  Speaker 4: We can create our own relationship. Choose your own adventure.
• 42:21
  Speaker 4: Have fun with it.
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: And that's the end of the story. We're going to
• 42:24
  Speaker 1: go on to the next one. My husband refused to
• 42:27
  Speaker 1: be intimate with me, so I gave him an ultimatum.
• 42:31
  Speaker 4: I'd love to know what that ultimatum is.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: My husband, 45 male, and I, 40 female, haven't been
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: physically intimate properly for a few years. Not uncommon.
• 42:43
  Speaker 4: I couldn't survive.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: I could not. I'd be like, come on.
• 42:46
  Speaker 5: What's the longest you've heard, Dr. Chavez, of we haven't
• 42:50
  Speaker 5: been physically intimate In this period of time?
• 42:53
  Speaker 4: 22 years.
• 42:54
  Speaker 5: What? Like, no touching, no cuddling, no hugging?
• 42:59
  Speaker 4: Oh, no, plenty of affection. Just straight, no spicy stuff.
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: And they get very comfortable in that zone of just... Affection.
• 43:07
  Speaker 5: Cuddle. Were they both ace? No.
• 43:11
  Speaker 4: Just not knowing how to get out of that place
• 43:14
  Speaker 4: that they built. Like, where do we start? They get
• 43:16
  Speaker 4: overwhelmed by even the idea of stepping outside of the comfort.
• 43:19
  Speaker 4: What they might lose. What will change. Because we love
• 43:22
  Speaker 4: things to be familiar.
• 43:23
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
• 43:24
  Speaker 4: No one wants to change.
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 43:24
  Speaker 4: No one wants to change.
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: No one wants to change.
• 43:26
  Speaker 4: Spicy stuff requires a lot of creative energy and moving
• 43:29
  Speaker 4: things around and getting out of your comfort zone.
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: Like discovering, being curious, like all of that. There's been
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: some spicy related contact here and there, but full spicy
• 43:43
  Speaker 1: sleep hasn't happened in a long time. He's been to
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: the doctors and his testosterone levels are good. We've been
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: to couples therapy, single therapy and spicy sleep therapy, but
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: nothing has worked. He just says he's never in the
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: mood for spicy sleep and can't be bothered. He only
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: works part time, which was his choice. And I work
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: full time. We have no problems or any other problems.
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: So there's nothing I know of that is ruining his
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: spicy sleep drive. About a week ago, he came to
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: me and said he'd appreciate it if we didn't talk
• 44:19
  Speaker 1: about spicy sleep anymore. All right. What what do you
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: like if people came to you and said this, what
• 44:27
  Speaker 1: do you what is your advice?
• 44:29
  Speaker 4: If you don't talk about it, it doesn't just go away.
• 44:31
  Speaker 4: I think that can be a pattern, too. You know,
• 44:33
  Speaker 4: we all right. I'll back off. And then we haven't
• 44:35
  Speaker 4: talked about it. And then now we're talking 22 years.
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 44:39
  Speaker 4: So you can't avoid it. You can't avoid something that
• 44:43
  Speaker 4: is mutually beneficial and important to your relationships. It's like
• 44:46
  Speaker 4: the vital sign of your relationship. So it doesn't matter
• 44:49
  Speaker 4: how you're doing it. To me, I'd want to get
• 44:51
  Speaker 4: into and excavate a little bit of what the spicy
• 44:55
  Speaker 4: dynamics are, what's going on. What are you actually doing
• 44:58
  Speaker 4: that isn't motivating you? Because if things feel good to us,
• 45:01
  Speaker 4: we want to do them. It's really that simple.
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. Yes.
• 45:06
  Speaker 4: And if we have to kind of recreate that or
• 45:08
  Speaker 4: revamp that, you can resuscitate a spicy life for sure.
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: You totally can. He doesn't need or want it and
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: he's not interested in it at all anymore. That's not
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: a great sign. I've tried to talk to him to
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: ask him if it's me in the past and he
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: said no. He just doesn't feel the need for it.
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: The thing is, I do. I'm desperate for it. I
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: don't want to cheat and I don't want to lose him.
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: But I can't go forever without it. I need to
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: ask him if I can have spicy sleep outside the marriage,
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: but I don't know how. By the way, this comes
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: from Throwaway Lost Shricks. And if you want to submit
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: your own story, go to the r slash okay story
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: time subreddit. I'm Savannah.
• 45:55
  Speaker 5: I'm Keon. And we have a returning guest here today.
• 45:57
  Speaker 5: Can you go ahead and let them know who you
• 45:59
  Speaker 5: are and what you do?
• 45:59
  Speaker 4: Hey, everyone. I'm Dr. Shannon Chavez. I'm a psychologist and spicy.
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: therapists we do not have all of the answers you
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: may seek we're only going to tell you what we
• 46:09
  Speaker 1: would do but let us know what you would do
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: down the comments as op says oh there are some
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: comments i love the comments does op have kids and
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: ask about open marriage op responds we don't have kids
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: i want to ask for an open marriage but i
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: don't know how Commenter number one says, have you told
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: him that you don't want to go without spicy sleep
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: for the foreseeable future? What scenarios would you be comfortable
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: with for getting your needs met? What would he be
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: comfortable with? Have the discussion. The two of you will
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: either find consensus or decide to separate amicably. OP responds,
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: I told him I can't go without it. I like
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: it and need it. He just said you need to
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: learn how to go without. Well, that's not a compliment.
• 46:57
  Speaker 1: That's not even a conversation. Right.
• 46:59
  Speaker 4: When someone's being really critical and judging your needs, I
• 47:02
  Speaker 4: think there's a deeper problem there in the relationship.
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: Just completely shut you down. Like, okay, cool. I guess no,
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: like that's the answer. So then what do you do?
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: You're at a stalemate.
• 47:14
  Speaker 4: And that feels a little emotionally manipulative to convince you
• 47:17
  Speaker 4: to not want something that you're saying is important. I
• 47:20
  Speaker 4: would want to see, is that person open to participating
• 47:24
  Speaker 4: in partner's pleasure? You don't have to be completely turned on,
• 47:27
  Speaker 4: but can you be a part of that experience for them?
• 47:31
  Speaker 4: And I would want to know what's with the avoidance.
• 47:33
  Speaker 4: Why are you taking such a hard stance to, nope,
• 47:37
  Speaker 4: I don't want it. I don't want you to want it.
• 47:39
  Speaker 4: And creating this awkwardness around some things. Obviously important.
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: Out of nowhere. Kind of just seemed like there was
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: just a switch that went off. And he's like, nah. Like,
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I guess we didn't really get that
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: much background. But maybe we will. Is OP or her
• 47:53
  Speaker 1: husband religious? OP responds, not religious. So it's not a
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: religious thing. Commenter 2 says, let me ask you a
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: question first, or maybe questions. Is lack of spicy sleep
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: truly your only issue? You mentioned how he's working part-time
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: by his choice. Is he contributing his half of work
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: to the relationship? Did all your therapy not turn up
• 48:17
  Speaker 1: anything but no spicy sleep? If you got permission to
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: go out to a bar and have one night stands
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: to have spicy sleep and then immediately come home, would
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: that solve everything? Or would you be wanting affection and
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: romance with your spicy sleep? So do you still have
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: enough love for your husband that if somebody is offering
• 48:37
  Speaker 1: you spicy sleep and the possibility of love, you'd still
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: choose him and walk away from the spicy sleep? OP responds,
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: he doesn't like the people he works with, so being
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: part-time helped relieve him his stress we split the housework
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: he's loving in other ways and we still cuddle up
• 48:54
  Speaker 1: and watch tv etc but he just has no interest
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: in spicy sleep it sounds stupid as i can get
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: myself off but i just want to feel a man's
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: body against mine self-love isn't enough and there's an update
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: do you think that's true is that a true statement.
• 49:10
  Speaker 4: The self-love is not enough it's a different activity so
• 49:13
  Speaker 4: i think it's not a replacement for, it shouldn't fill
• 49:17
  Speaker 4: someone up when they have other needs, it's important. I
• 49:20
  Speaker 4: think both are equally important in every relationship. And I'd
• 49:23
  Speaker 4: be curious about his self-pleasure world. Is he taking care
• 49:26
  Speaker 4: of himself? Where is he putting all that energy? His
• 49:30
  Speaker 4: hormones are normal. It sounds like stress is a big factor.
• 49:33
  Speaker 4: I've seen that create a lot of avoidance and shutdown.
• 49:36
  Speaker 4: In men's desire, but you've got to address that. It
• 49:40
  Speaker 4: can affect you in other ways. In men need, can
• 49:42
  Speaker 4: I give this little fact?
• 49:44
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 49:45
  Speaker 4: 21 healthy adjustments a month just to keep their prostate healthy.
• 49:49
  Speaker 5: Really?
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: 21.
• 49:50
  Speaker 4: That's a lot.
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: That's like, wow. Just to keep the pipes.
• 49:54
  Speaker 4: Clean, so... So avoiding that has more repercussions than not.
• 50:01
  Speaker 4: And that's why I think, you know, if you're really
• 50:03
  Speaker 4: not feeling that, at least do it for your health.
• 50:05
  Speaker 4: Do it for your sleep. There's so many benefits. But
• 50:08
  Speaker 4: if you're completely avoidant, there's something you're telling yourself or
• 50:11
  Speaker 4: something else going on. Maybe he has a problem and
• 50:13
  Speaker 4: he's not wanting to address it. So he's like, ah,
• 50:15
  Speaker 4: let's just avoid it and not want it. And that
• 50:17
  Speaker 4: solves everything. So there's something maybe a little deeper. Maybe
• 50:20
  Speaker 4: there's an identity issue. It could be a lot of things,
• 50:23
  Speaker 4: but I would hope his therapy is Had, you know,
• 50:26
  Speaker 4: revealed some of that, but.
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: Update. Well, it's 6 a.m. here, and we spent four
• 50:32
  Speaker 1: hours talking about it last night until he stormed off
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: to stay at his friend's house. That's how well the
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: talk went. Just to clear a few things up from
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: my original post, all his levels were above average for
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: his age when tested, and the doctors concluded there is
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: no medical reason for his lack of libido. In bed
• 50:51
  Speaker 1: every night he sleeps unclothed next to me and I
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: can see and feel he is physically able to. People
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: asked me if he was depressed and I don't think
• 51:01
  Speaker 1: he is, but you never truly know what is happening
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: in someone's head. He said his last job was stressing
• 51:07
  Speaker 1: him out so we agreed that he would just work
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: part time. On that subject, a few people have said
• 51:13
  Speaker 1: I'm only with him for his money. Well, I earn
• 51:17
  Speaker 1: 70K a year and he earns between 10 to 15K
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: a year. So no, I'm not.
• 51:22
  Speaker 4: That clears that.
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: Up pretty quick. People asked me if I had gotten fat.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: My weight has never been more than five pounds difference
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: up or down than the day we met. And I'm
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: currently nine stone six. Huh? 132 pounds. to the Americans
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: at 5'7. I've got a big chest, so they have
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: gotten a bit saggier, but I can't help that. I
• 51:47
  Speaker 1: was asked about that frequently. At first, we were intimate
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: a lot. Then within five years, it was down to
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: once a month. And now the last time we had
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: full spicy sleep was four years ago. The last time
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: there was any other contact from him was two years ago,
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: and I did something for him three months ago. People
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: asked if he's cheating. or attracted to the same gender,
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: or if he watches some spicy videos. I've searched his
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: phone and never seen anything to suggest that. He's not
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: secretive with his phone at all. Over the years, I've
• 52:21
  Speaker 1: told him if he wants to explore his spicy proclivity
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: or other people, he can. I've offered him thumbs. I've
• 52:30
  Speaker 1: told him I will do anything he wants. Nothing is
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: off limits. And he wasn't interested. Dang, what's this guy want?
• 52:38
  Speaker 4: I don't think he knows. Yes.
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true. He doesn't know.
• 52:41
  Speaker 4: And I would say never open a relationship when there's uncertainty.
• 52:45
  Speaker 4: And I don't think that's a solution. I think there's
• 52:48
  Speaker 4: obviously some underground issues that they need to bring up.
• 52:52
  Speaker 4: Maybe there's resentments. Maybe it's always been boring. Maybe it
• 52:56
  Speaker 4: just hasn't really worked. Maybe they're focusing so much on
• 52:59
  Speaker 4: the mechanics that it feels stressful and overwhelming.
• 53:02
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 53:03
  Speaker 4: So there could be a lot of different things to do.
• 53:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: So last night, I sat him down and told him,
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: I know you don't like talking about this, and I
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: respect the fact you don't want spicy sleep anymore, but
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: I do. So either open up the relationship so I
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: can get my spicy sleep somewhere else, or I'm leaving.
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: That brought on hours of ranting and raving. I'm a
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: spicy sleep regular use person. I'm a slag. I don't
• 53:32
  Speaker 1: love him. I've got no respect for myself, etc.
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: etc.
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: I stayed calm and said, you either need to tell
• 53:38
  Speaker 1: me why you don't want to have spicy sleep with me,
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: let me have spicy sleep outside of the marriage, or
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: we'll split up as we aren't compatible. Are you A-spec identity?
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: Or attracted to the same gender? Depressed? Just don't find
• 53:53
  Speaker 1: me attractive? He said it's none of those things. He
• 53:56
  Speaker 1: just doesn't enjoy spicy sleep. It's boring, and he's got
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: no interest in pleasing other people either. He'd just rather
• 54:03
  Speaker 1: handle it himself. I don't even know what that means.
• 54:07
  Speaker 4: It feels like a lot of resistance. It's boring. There's
• 54:10
  Speaker 4: nothing positive about that or encouraging. It feels like he's
• 54:13
  Speaker 4: just given up and he's not willing to work at all.
• 54:17
  Speaker 4: And I'd want to know, what's his fear of improving things?
• 54:19
  Speaker 4: What's his fear of opening up and having each other
• 54:22
  Speaker 4: to support this issue rather than just being like, yep,
• 54:25
  Speaker 4: that's just how it is. Yeah, it's so negative. Hanging
• 54:28
  Speaker 4: up my spicy hat forever.
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's spicy, yeah. When I asked him why we
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: had so much spicy sleep at the start, he said
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: it was just to shut me up. I said, you've
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: slept with over 50 people, but you don't like spicy sleep.
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: He said he did it because everyone else did, and
• 54:47
  Speaker 1: he was trying to find the reason everyone enjoyed it,
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: but he realized he just didn't. I wasn't sure I
• 54:53
  Speaker 1: believed him, so I said, fine, if that is true,
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: I'll never bother you for spicy sleep again, but can
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: I please have spicy sleep with other people? You can
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: even choose them if you want to make you more comfortable.
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: You can be in control of it all. Just pick
• 55:06
  Speaker 1: someone for me a couple of times a month. You
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: can even watch if you want. Or we can keep
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: it completely separate and you'll never know anything. I won't
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: tell you when I'm having spicy sleep or who with.
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: I don't mind what the arrangement is as long as
• 55:21
  Speaker 1: I can have spicy sleep. He just said no effing
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: way and stormed out the door to his friend's house.
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: So that's where we are. He's obviously told his friends,
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: as I've had messages from some of them saying I'm
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: a slag and a cheater. I've messaged my husband just
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: now after he didn't answer the phone even though he's
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: awake and said, You leaving and getting your friends to
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: gang up on me tells me everything I need to know.
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: I'll let you decide whether you want to stay in
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: the house or not, but if you choose to stay,
• 55:51
  Speaker 1: I will only be paying for my half of the
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: mortgage until it's sold. Then you're on your own. I
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: don't care what you tell people. I have all the
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: proof of our problems over text messages, as you are
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: a coward and that's how you communicate. Goodbye, Daryl. And
• 56:08
  Speaker 1: then she just doxes the name. There's a little bit left,
• 56:12
  Speaker 1: but my God.
• 56:12
  Speaker 4: I don't know if we're getting a happy ending out
• 56:14
  Speaker 4: of this one.
• 56:15
  Speaker 1: I know. It's just emotionally abusive.
• 56:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 56:17
  Speaker 4: There's some layers here.
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: It's just, I don't even know what is the issue here.
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: He like just will not say.
• 56:25
  Speaker 4: He's saying a lot without saying anything, right? There's all
• 56:28
  Speaker 4: this anger and rage and walking away and a lot
• 56:31
  Speaker 4: of resentment. And yes, but yet no understanding of what's
• 56:36
  Speaker 4: causing any of that.
• 56:37
  Speaker 1: And she just has to sit there and be just
• 56:40
  Speaker 1: be confused. Just draw conclusions because he's not giving her anything.
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: I mean, how frustrating. Like I would be done, too.
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, there's no saving that then.
• 56:50
  Speaker 4: He's showing you who he is and you have to
• 56:53
  Speaker 4: accept that and choose how you want to protect yourself
• 56:57
  Speaker 4: and move forward. I hear a lot of, I'll do this,
• 56:59
  Speaker 4: I'll do that, I'll do this. But I also think
• 57:01
  Speaker 4: you have to have boundaries for yourself. You have to
• 57:04
  Speaker 4: know how to separate your needs from the relationship needs.
• 57:08
  Speaker 4: And also you can't force someone to do something.
• 57:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 57:12
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 57:13
  Speaker 4: They've already done a lot of work. I mean, this
• 57:15
  Speaker 4: sounds like he's kind of maybe sabotaging the relationship, whether
• 57:19
  Speaker 4: it's conscious or not.
• 57:20
  Speaker 7: Yeah.
• 57:21
  Speaker 4: He's kind of like already got one foot out is
• 57:23
  Speaker 4: what I hear.
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: Well, let's finish it up, see where it goes. It's heartbreaking,
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: but I can't carry on feeling disrespected. And the fact
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: that he has his friends insulting me and pestering me
• 57:34
  Speaker 1: is too much. Feels like he's one step away from
• 57:37
  Speaker 1: a Peaky Blinders post on social media about how silent
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: and strong he is. So that's where I am. No
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: answers on the spicy sleep problem, and there is no
• 57:46
  Speaker 1: way I'm staying with him after the name-calling, storming out,
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: and intimidation by his friends. I don't know what more
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: I could have done for this man. And there are
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: some comments. Commenter number one says, so he is a
• 58:01
  Speaker 1: spect identity? At least in the sense that he doesn't
• 58:04
  Speaker 1: like spicy sleep, but still handles it himself. Anyway, he's
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: not understanding you nor trying to address your needs, so
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: that's probably it for the relationship. And OP responds, I
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: still have a sneaking suspicion he's attracted to the same
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: gender rather than a spect identity. Another commenter says, he
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: needs a gaycation.
• 58:26
  Speaker 5: They get it. They know it.
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: Now he needs a vacation. But that's the end of
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: that story. I mean, so that was not a happy
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: ending out of all of them that we've had.
• 58:37
  Speaker 4: And there are not always happy endings, but there can be.
• 58:40
  Speaker 4: I mean, sometimes when you hit that kind of rock
• 58:42
  Speaker 4: bottom conclusion place and you can't really do anything, there's
• 58:45
  Speaker 4: no solution. Take some space. I believe in a therapeutic separation,
• 58:50
  Speaker 4: taking some space to get perspective.
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: And that's the end of the story. We're going to
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: go on to the next one.
• 58:56
  Speaker 6: My friend snuck around with the new girl, so we
• 58:59
  Speaker 6: warned his girlfriend.
• 59:00
  Speaker 7: Hey, this guy's.
• 59:02
  Speaker 6: Coming for you. I, 26 male, was friends with a couple,
• 59:05
  Speaker 6: 23 male and 24 female.
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: They've been together for four years. but recently have only
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: been seeing each other once a month. Wow.
• 59:13
  Speaker 6: We have a new friend that joined our group two
• 59:15
  Speaker 6: months ago, 30 female, and she is a very naturally
• 59:18
  Speaker 6: affectionate person. My friend, 23 male, will call Dave, and
• 59:22
  Speaker 6: the new girl, 30 female, will call Sarah, for the
• 59:25
  Speaker 6: past month have been hanging out a lot on their own.
• 59:28
  Speaker 6: and when with the rest of the friend group, are
• 59:30
  Speaker 6: very clingy and all over each other. Multiple people in
• 59:34
  Speaker 6: our friend group pointed out this was concerning, since Dave
• 59:37
  Speaker 6: was in a relationship. I confronted Dave and explained this
• 59:41
  Speaker 6: to him, and he said nothing was going on, and
• 59:44
  Speaker 6: they're just friends. So I left it at that and
• 59:47
  Speaker 6: moved on. The following week, we had all planned as
• 59:50
  Speaker 6: a friend group to go to the cinema to watch
• 59:51
  Speaker 6: the new Mott U movie, but Dave and Sarah cancelled
• 59:55
  Speaker 6: last minute because of personal reasons. Later, our friend group
• 59:59
  Speaker 6: found out they were hanging out on their own again.
• 1:00:02
  Speaker 1: That's shady. Oh, Dave.
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 6: So again, I asked Dave what was going on. Dave
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 6: said he was out with her discussing possibly breaking up
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 6: with his girlfriend as they don't see each other as
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 6: much anymore and he thought she'd give him some good advice. Yeah, Sarah,
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 6: the girl he's flirting with, will give.
• 1:00:19
  Speaker 1: Him super unbiased advice. Oh, this is a recipe for disaster.
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 6: This was raising alarm bells in our group. But we
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 6: decided to say nothing, because that's definitely not a conversation
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 6: we wanted to preemptively have with his girlfriend.
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 1: By the way, this.
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 6: Comes from Disrespected Ogre, and if you want to submit
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 6: your own stories, go to the r slash ok story
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 6: time subreddit.
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: I'm Sophia. And I'm Savannah.
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 6: And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 6: don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do.
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 6: So let us know what you would do in the comments.
• 1:00:48
  Speaker 6: And Opie says, Next day, we were planning to go
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 6: out again, and Sarah was sick and couldn't make it.
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 6: But Dave was in work, so we said we'd pick
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 6: him up after work to hang out. Dave said he'd
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 6: rather go home and chew the rest of the evening
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 6: instead of hanging out. And we said that was fair enough.
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 6: On the other hand, he lied to us. And when
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 6: he finished work, he went to Sarah's house and stayed
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 6: there till one o'clock in the morning.
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 1: No, no, I don't like that at all. Yeah, you
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: got to tell the friend. Yeah, she's got to know. Yeah,
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 1: that's so crappy to do. Yeah, like you're there with
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 1: another girl. Also, not that it's like an unacceptable age
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: difference or anything, but a 30-year-old woman hanging out with
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: a 23-year-old boy with a girlfriend. What are you doing?
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 1: Like clearly this guy isn't mature at all. So what's
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 1: going on? Yeah.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 6: At this point, our group came to decide we had
• 1:01:50
  Speaker 6: two options. One was to let Dave and Sarah continue
• 1:01:53
  Speaker 6: to have secret meetings until Dave's girlfriend found out or
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 6: get in contact with Dave's girlfriend and just explain that
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 6: Dave's behavior was weird and we were worried about what
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 6: could happen if it continued. We decided to go with
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 6: the second option and explain to his girlfriend what was
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 6: going on and how it was weird, but we weren't
• 1:02:12
  Speaker 6: accusing him of anything, just concerned from what he told
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 6: us and what he was hiding from us his girlfriend
• 1:02:18
  Speaker 6: thanked us for having the guts to be honest with
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 6: her and stated that if she had found out and
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 6: we knew it was happening and said nothing she'd be
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 6: on to us unfortunately dave took this as the friend
• 1:02:29
  Speaker 6: group trying to split him and his girlfriend up he
• 1:02:32
  Speaker 6: lost it and called us all jealous for sticking our
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 6: noses into his relationship dave and his girlfriend have now
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 6: blocked the entire friend group except for sarah And have
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 6: warned all of us if we ever try to contact
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 6: them ever again.
• 1:02:46
  Speaker 1: Wait. Wait, the girlfriend? The girlfriend. Truthfully, have been in, like,
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: the same situation before. Where I reached out to a
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: girl and was like, hey, your boyfriend is cheating on you.
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 1: And she, like, blocked me and just ignored it. And
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, well, I tried.
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 6: But the weirdest thing to me is that she was like,
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 6: thanks for telling me. I really appreciate it. And then
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 6: walked them. Like, that's the weird part.
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: They do that. They're like, oh, my God. Like, I
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: had no idea. Thank you so much. And then black.
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 6: So I want to get an understanding. Am I and
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 6: my friend group the a-hole for raising these concerns? And
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 6: we do have an update. Just so obviously not.
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: She's mad at the boyfriend. Yes. And she's projecting that
• 1:03:29
  Speaker 1: on you.
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 6: And he's probably like wormed his way into her. head
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 6: saying no like sarah and i are just friends like
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 6: i don't know what they're talking about.
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah they're lying and then probably is like talking crap
• 1:03:42
  Speaker 1: on you guys and be like yeah they're just like
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: they're conspiring against us babe yeah like they've always hated
• 1:03:48
  Speaker 1: you yeah and she's like wait you're right we've been
• 1:03:51
  Speaker 1: together four years and i love you and i'll never
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 1: let you.
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 6: Go there's an update though we found out from sarah's
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 6: housemate mutual friend That Sarah and Dave have planned to
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 6: draw out our suspicions until Dave's girlfriend left the country
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 6: to study abroad. Dave and Sarah were more annoyed at
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 6: the group because now Dave's girlfriend does regular checks on him.
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 1: Aww, Dave. Now you can't just hang out with Sarah
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: whenever you want.
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 5: Aww.
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: Screw you.
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 6: So he doesn't get to spend as much time with Sarah.
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 6: We also found out that the reason Dave's girlfriend kept
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 6: Sarah and blocked everyone else in the friend group was
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 6: because Sarah and Dave convinced her we were making it
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 6: all up and that we as a group had no
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 6: proof because it never happened. We've got a little bit left,
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 6: but my, oh my, what a tricky situation here.
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: It's just so annoying because you are trying to look
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 1: out for someone and then they just don't believe it
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: and then All of a sudden, you're the bad guy.
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: And it's like, girl, I'm trying to warn you. I
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: would hope you would do the same thing in return. Like,
• 1:04:56
  Speaker 1: I'm going to trust my friend. Sorry. And for real, like,
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 1: how are you going to trust the girl that they're
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 1: telling you to worry about? Exactly. She's, like, new to
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: the group. Like, nobody really knows anything about her. And
• 1:05:08
  Speaker 1: all of a sudden, she's swooping in. And they are
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: doing suspicious things. Like, canceling on the group and then
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: going and hanging out alone. Like, that's weird. And then
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: Sarah and Dave are telling the girlfriend.
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 4: Oh, no, no, no.
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 1: They're lying. Like, why would the girlfriend believe Sarah? Exactly.
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 1: It just it's so backwards. It makes no sense. Like, cool.
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 1: Have a good life. You have no trust in him anymore.
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: That's really fine. Have fun. And you lost all your friends.
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 6: Our mutual friend is now set to stay as far
• 1:05:35
  Speaker 6: away from them as possible as he has seen some
• 1:05:37
  Speaker 6: of their messages and said they have gone as far
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 6: as to plan how and when to plant evidence on
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 6: the friend to get the police involved.
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 1: What are the police going to do? This is like
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 1: a domestic dispute. It's not really like anything that's like illegal.
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 6: After reading the comments and receiving this new information, I
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 6: now fully believe myself and my friend group are not
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 6: the Aeols and that we are now safer to completely
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 6: remove all three of them from our lives.
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 1: That's crazy that they're going to go to the police
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 1: for what? For what?
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 6: Like, I feel like they're just trying to get someone
• 1:06:10
  Speaker 6: in trouble for I have no idea why.
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 1: And there's, I don't think, like... I mean, depending on, like,
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: what country they are, where they are in the world,
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: I don't think there's any laws, like, saying, like, it's
• 1:06:23
  Speaker 1: illegal for infidelity. It's obviously looked down upon.
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 6: I mean, especially not in, like, girlfriend-boyfriend relationships.
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just really, really peculiar. And that's the end
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 1: of this story. We're going to go on to the
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 1: next one. I invested a lot in my friend's cancelled wedding,
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 1: and now I want a refund. What was the point? I,
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 1: 22 male, was supposed to be a groomsman in my
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 1: friend's 22-male wedding. wedding this month we recently graduated from
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 1: the same college where he met his now ex-fiancee oh
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: no we were all in the same classes and they
• 1:06:57
  Speaker 1: met during a large class first semester of junior year
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: things got serious quick and by that summer they were
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 1: engaged and beginning to plan their wedding.
• 1:07:06
  Speaker 6: By that summer oh yeah i'm beginning to understand why
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 6: they didn't make it.
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 1: Which was supposed to happen the month after we all
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 1: graduated this june My friend has always been super enthusiastic
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: about this girl and their relationship. He was the driving
• 1:07:21
  Speaker 1: force behind them getting engaged so quickly and so young,
• 1:07:25
  Speaker 1: and I was super excited for them when they got
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: engaged and very honored when I was asked to be
• 1:07:30
  Speaker 1: a groomsman. This was my first time being a groomsman,
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: and I must have been a little naive about just
• 1:07:37
  Speaker 1: how much of a financial investment this would end up being.
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: After renting a suite, about $ 250, going to a bachelor
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 1: party in Miami, about $ 500 for my expenses, and a
• 1:07:49
  Speaker 1: gift off their registry, another $ 75, were looking at a
• 1:07:53
  Speaker 1: pretty serious investment from me in this relationship. Yeah. Yeah,
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 1: weddings are expensive.
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 6: Yeah, and that's why people usually don't have them at 22.
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 1: Who has money then? Not me. I don't have wedding
• 1:08:06
  Speaker 1: money now. And I don't know if I ever will.
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 1: I was more than happy to cover all these costs
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 1: because he has always been a close friend to me.
• 1:08:15
  Speaker 1: and I really was excited to be a part of
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 1: it all. However, we were full-time students during this period
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: of time, and it stretched the wallet more than I
• 1:08:22
  Speaker 1: typically would want. By the way, this comes from TP323,
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: and if you want to submit your own stories, go
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Savannah.
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: I'm Sophia. And we're here to give some good advice, goofily,
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 1: but we don't have all the answers. We'd only tell
• 1:08:36
  Speaker 1: you what we would do, but let us know what
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 1: you would do down in the comments. As Opie says...
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 1: With all that background, that brings us to early April
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 1: of this year, six weeks before the wedding. My friend
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 1: just casually mentions to me that he ran into an
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 1: old friend of ours from high school and they had
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: a pretty long conversation catching up. I remember him just
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: casually mentioning that she was single and still really cool.
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: Oh no, stop, stop! I didn't think much of it,
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 1: but looking back, that was probably a pretty serious red flag.
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 1: His demeanor really didn't change much up until the week
• 1:09:10
  Speaker 1: of the wedding. He didn't say anything specific about getting
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 1: cold feet, but he definitely wasn't acting like his normal self,
• 1:09:17
  Speaker 1: which I just chalked up to nerves for the big week.
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 1: Two nights before the wedding, me, my friend, and all
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 1: the other groomsmen were in town together eating dinner. The
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: wedding venue was about an hour away from the town
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: we went to school in, and all the groomsmen were
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 1: sharing an Airbnb. The groom was staying with his family
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 1: up until the wedding night. My friend was basically a
• 1:09:39
  Speaker 1: shell of himself, not really talking, laughing, or joking. We
• 1:09:44
  Speaker 1: called it an early night and went our separate ways.
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 1: The next morning, the day of the rehearsal dinner, We
• 1:09:49
  Speaker 1: get a text from the groom in the groomsmen group
• 1:09:52
  Speaker 1: chat saying that he was really sorry, but he's not
• 1:09:55
  Speaker 1: going through with the wedding.
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 6: No, you're pulling a four weddings and a funeral.
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 1: You're not Hugh Grant. Also to text that and not
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 1: like tell them. Yeah, not to sit them down and say, hey,
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 1: wedding is not happening. Here's your money back. We are
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 1: obviously all shocked. So the best man took the initiative
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 1: on behalf of all of us to reach out and
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: call him. I wasn't there for the call, but the
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 1: best man reported back to us afterwards that he was
• 1:10:24
  Speaker 1: totally serious and was already on the way back to
• 1:10:26
  Speaker 1: his parents' house about an hour away from where the
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 1: wedding venue was. So he just up and left? Yeah,
• 1:10:32
  Speaker 1: he just left. Just walked out on his, you know, bride.
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, sorry, guys. I don't, I realized I
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 1: don't really want to do this anymore. Oh, shoot. So
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 1: I gotta go back to my parents' house. Do you
• 1:10:46
  Speaker 1: guys mind wrapping it up? Thanks. Someone else can take
• 1:10:49
  Speaker 1: my place. And that was it. We all went home.
• 1:10:52
  Speaker 1: In the days that followed, I tried to be a
• 1:10:54
  Speaker 1: supportive friend. Oh my gosh, no. I sent a quick
• 1:10:58
  Speaker 1: text saying I was here for him if he needed anything,
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 1: but never heard back. This is where things get insane
• 1:11:04
  Speaker 1: and set me off. My friend and his fiance were
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 1: supposed to go on their honeymoon two weeks after the
• 1:11:09
  Speaker 1: wedding because they were planning on moving to a new
• 1:11:12
  Speaker 1: city out of state to start their careers and needed
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 1: to get settled and my assumption was that they just
• 1:11:18
  Speaker 1: cancelled the whole thing. That brings us to last week.
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 1: My friend, who has been completely unresponsive for over three weeks,
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 1: finally texts back. He apologizes for canceling the wedding and
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 1: wasting our time and lets me know he actually had
• 1:11:34
  Speaker 1: gone on his honeymoon to Mexico with that girl he
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 1: ran into six weeks before the wedding. And then I'm like, hey,
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 1: I really don't like how you're moving, bruh.
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 6: And I don't support this, so maybe we should have
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 6: some distance.
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: I don't know if he had been talking to her
• 1:11:51
  Speaker 1: on the down low the entire time since he ran
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 1: into her or decided he wasn't ready to marry his
• 1:11:55
  Speaker 1: fiance and reached out to her after canceling the wedding.
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 1: But to me, it didn't matter at all.
• 1:12:02
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 1: There is a little bit left here. Yeah. Me too.
• 1:12:11
  Speaker 1: OP really. Well, not OP. OP's friend. You really did
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 1: it to them. Screwed the pooch on this one. Yeah.
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 1: And the wrong pooch. Stop screwing the wrong pooch. You're
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 1: screwing the wrong pooch. Don't screw that pooch. Come on.
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 6: It is so telling to me. Or just so obvious
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 6: to me. Hey, this is one of the reasons that
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 6: people don't get married at 22.
• 1:12:35
  Speaker 1: Because they're like, oh, I'm not ready for this lifelong commitment. Also,
• 1:12:40
  Speaker 1: I feel like in your 20s, it's a very... The
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 1: whole part of your 20s is very transitional.
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: Like you don't know where you're going to end up.
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 1: You're like still like trying out ideas, still fresh, still hot,
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 1: still trying to feel things out.
• 1:12:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 1: And they said they were moving cities. Yeah. Like this
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 1: was just it really was just like a school fling.
• 1:13:01
  Speaker 1: And then, you know, and then he's like, oh, here's
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 1: someone better.
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:13:05
  Speaker 6: Literally the second he saw someone that was better, quote unquote,
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 6: he was like, bye.
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 1: Literally.
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:13:11
  Speaker 1: That's so crappy to do to someone. On the wedding day.
• 1:13:15
  Speaker 1: I mean, it did go quick. I think they should
• 1:13:19
  Speaker 1: have definitely waited and not have gotten engaged and almost married.
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 1: I feel like it definitely should have waited a while
• 1:13:26
  Speaker 1: so that you knew. Date a while. Fill it out.
• 1:13:30
  Speaker 1: Make sure you grow together. There really is no rush.
• 1:13:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:13:37
  Speaker 1: Like why? I think really the only situations where you
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: may have to rush are tax, something tax reason, some
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 1: insurance reason or like a citizenship. Oh, or sick.
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 1: Or like a.
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 6: Family member is ill and wants to see the wedding.
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 6: You know, in those scenarios, I totally understand being like,
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 6: I want to do this before that, or I need
• 1:14:02
  Speaker 6: to do this before this deadline.
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 1: But in this scenario, the idea of, oh, I just
• 1:14:07
  Speaker 1: want to get married. I'm just, I'm just, I just
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 1: want to do it right now. I can't wait. I
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 1: can't wait. It's like, you can actually. There really is
• 1:14:15
  Speaker 1: no rush for anything, truthfully. Learning that he threw away
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 1: everything he had built for this other girl and truly
• 1:14:22
  Speaker 1: wasted everyone's time and especially money when he obviously wasn't
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 1: ready to settle down was the final straw. I said
• 1:14:30
  Speaker 1: that I didn't care what he did anymore and I
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 1: want my money back for everything I put into his wedding.
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 1: I sent him a Venmo request for $ 850 and blocked
• 1:14:39
  Speaker 1: his number. I don't expect him to pay me back, obviously,
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 1: but I just feel so frustrated with him that I
• 1:14:45
  Speaker 1: don't want to be his friend anymore. But still wanted
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 1: to send a message. So, did I take my response
• 1:14:51
  Speaker 1: too far or should I just continue calling this friendship
• 1:14:54
  Speaker 1: done for good? Nah, I would have sent that Venmo
• 1:14:57
  Speaker 1: request too. I doubt he'll send it.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 2: To you.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't think, and I think you're all right
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 1: if you don't get it. It's just more of like,
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: I would like it if you're going to be a
• 1:15:06
  Speaker 1: good person and you want to turn this around and
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 1: get on my good side, then yeah, you should do that.
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 1: But if you just want to be done with me
• 1:15:12
  Speaker 1: and whatever, then cool. It's your choice. The ball is
• 1:15:16
  Speaker 1: in his court now. Correct, correct, correct. And that's the
• 1:15:20
  Speaker 1: end of the story. We're going to go on to
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 1: the next one.
• 1:15:23
  Speaker 6: I let my friend's family move in and she made
• 1:15:26
  Speaker 6: a mess of my house while babysitting.
• 1:15:29
  Speaker 1: Teach the kids to pick up after themselves.
• 1:15:32
  Speaker 6: A few weeks ago, my friend, we're both 39 female,
• 1:15:35
  Speaker 6: called and asked if her family of four could stay
• 1:15:37
  Speaker 6: with us for a week or two. They had to
• 1:15:40
  Speaker 6: move from their current rental and didn't yet have another
• 1:15:42
  Speaker 6: lined up. They stayed nine days. It was hectic, but
• 1:15:47
  Speaker 6: my home is large and we're kind of agreed to
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 6: keep our lives separate. Meals, watching TV, etc. We have
• 1:15:54
  Speaker 6: a massive basement that is pretty much an apartment. Things
• 1:15:57
  Speaker 6: went okay. As a thank you, she offered to babysit
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 6: for me while I had jury duty. It was two
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 6: days after they left. She came over with her two
• 1:16:06
  Speaker 6: kids and babysat my kids. When I got home, the
• 1:16:10
  Speaker 6: first thing I noticed was candy wrappers all over the lawn.
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 6: All the kids were playing outside. The hose was laying
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 6: in the driveway, turned on. When I went into the house,
• 1:16:21
  Speaker 6: I was shocked to find a total mess. Dishes piled
• 1:16:25
  Speaker 6: in the sink, chip bags, empty cookie packages, pop cans.
• 1:16:30
  Speaker 6: Went to the basement to grab a box she left
• 1:16:32
  Speaker 6: here and I couldn't believe the state of things. It
• 1:16:35
  Speaker 6: looks like they took toy bins and just threw them
• 1:16:37
  Speaker 6: in the air. By the way, this comes from October Twins.
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 6: And if you want to submit your own stories, go
• 1:16:42
  Speaker 6: to the rs slash showcase story time subreddit.
• 1:16:44
  Speaker 1: I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.
• 1:16:46
  Speaker 6: And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we
• 1:16:48
  Speaker 6: don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do.
• 1:16:50
  Speaker 6: So let us know what you would do in the comments.
• 1:16:52
  Speaker 6: I keep a cupboard of new toys in a closet
• 1:16:54
  Speaker 6: in the basement. Things for my kids or birthday parties
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 6: or Christmas presents. The closet and cupboard was open and
• 1:17:00
  Speaker 6: every single toy was open and laying on the floor.
• 1:17:03
  Speaker 6: I realized the candy wrappers outside were from a gingerbread
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 6: kit I had in the closet. Went outside and looked,
• 1:17:10
  Speaker 6: and sure enough, the entire kit was laying across the lawn.
• 1:17:14
  Speaker 6: Empty frosting bags, gumdrops, tootsie rolls. I came inside and
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 6: asked all the kids who was responsible. My kids, five female,
• 1:17:23
  Speaker 6: ratted out the daughter, ten female, of my friend. She
• 1:17:27
  Speaker 6: was playing on the computer and barely looked up to say,
• 1:17:30
  Speaker 6: I don't know, I wasn't supposed to.
• 1:17:33
  Speaker 1: I'd be going up to the mom being like, we're
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 1: going to sit down and have a Yeah, I'm sorry.
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 1: Did you watch our kids at all?
• 1:17:41
  Speaker 6: I yelled for my friend and explained the situation. She
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 6: rolled her eyes and said, oh boy, do you want
• 1:17:46
  Speaker 6: some money? Okay, now we got an issue. Big old issue.
• 1:17:51
  Speaker 1: Uh-uh. Do not disrespect me in my own house when
• 1:17:55
  Speaker 1: I am hosting you. I'm doing you a favor.
• 1:17:58
  Speaker 6: This was after the hosting. So they hosted the friend
• 1:18:02
  Speaker 6: and her family for, I think, nine days and then
• 1:18:05
  Speaker 6: In repayment, she's like, oh, I can babysit for you. Yeah,
• 1:18:09
  Speaker 6: so I think they're no longer staying.
• 1:18:11
  Speaker 1: Oh, wait, maybe, hold on. I don't know. Let me
• 1:18:15
  Speaker 1: go back before I say that. Yeah, as a thank
• 1:18:18
  Speaker 1: you note, as a thank you. Okay, and as a
• 1:18:21
  Speaker 1: thank you, they're like, oh, we'll watch your kids. And
• 1:18:23
  Speaker 1: then they just destroyed the house.
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 6: My friend's husband pulled up and beeped. They all got
• 1:18:27
  Speaker 6: up and left. I'd be like, uh-uh, uh-uh, clean up.
• 1:18:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'd be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I
• 1:18:33
  Speaker 1: think you're forgetting something here.
• 1:18:34
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:18:35
  Speaker 1: As she walked out, my friend said, do you want
• 1:18:37
  Speaker 1: us to come back later and clean? I would have
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 1: said yes. I said not to bother. I would have
• 1:18:41
  Speaker 1: said do it now. Yeah, I would have said no, no, no,
• 1:18:43
  Speaker 1: right now. I said not to bother. I haven't talked
• 1:18:46
  Speaker 1: to her since. I'm angry every time it crosses my mind.
• 1:18:50
  Speaker 1: I get mad.
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 6: I'm unhappy with her reaction. I'm unhappy that she didn't
• 1:18:54
  Speaker 6: apologize or even really react.
• 1:18:57
  Speaker 1: I guess there was about $ 200 worth of toys in there.
• 1:19:00
  Speaker 6: Monster high dolls, a science kit with microscopes, some bead
• 1:19:04
  Speaker 6: jewelry kits. It isn't about the money, but I feel
• 1:19:07
  Speaker 6: like the quantity of toys matters.
• 1:19:10
  Speaker 1: Interesting.
• 1:19:10
  Speaker 6: I'm wondering if this was, maybe I misunderstood. Seems like
• 1:19:14
  Speaker 6: OP had a toy shed of unopened things. And this
• 1:19:18
  Speaker 6: girl went in and opened a bunch of stuff.
• 1:19:20
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 1:19:21
  Speaker 1: So in the basement, they had like bins and like
• 1:19:23
  Speaker 1: in a closet. And like she would, my mom does
• 1:19:26
  Speaker 1: the same thing. Yeah. You have presents for any occasion.
• 1:19:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:19:29
  Speaker 1: She calls it the teeter store. And whenever I needed
• 1:19:31
  Speaker 1: like things for like my friends or like, you know,
• 1:19:34
  Speaker 1: cousins or like family members, like she'd be like, all right,
• 1:19:37
  Speaker 1: go downstairs and pick something out. And there'd be like, jewelry, shoes, lotions,
• 1:19:43
  Speaker 1: a spa kit, like, fun stickers, like, whatever. Like, it's
• 1:19:46
  Speaker 1: just a bunch of, like, crap that she just is like, oh,
• 1:19:49
  Speaker 1: this would be a good gift for someone. So she just, like,
• 1:19:51
  Speaker 1: buys it and then, you know, whenever she's in a
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 1: pinch for time. Yeah, we call it the Teeter store.
• 1:19:56
  Speaker 1: Teeter store. And it was great. Seems like OP's got
• 1:19:59
  Speaker 1: an OP store. Yeah. Yeah, no, my mom would hide
• 1:20:02
  Speaker 1: all of her, like, birthday presents and whatever down there.
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 1: But she would be like, don't go down there.
• 1:20:06
  Speaker 6: But OP's store was pillaged. For what it's worth, her
• 1:20:10
  Speaker 6: family struggles financially, and we do pretty okay. I wouldn't
• 1:20:14
  Speaker 6: even accept money from her. I just felt like she
• 1:20:16
  Speaker 6: thought I was being petty because we do okay financially. Lastly,
• 1:20:21
  Speaker 6: where the heck was she all day? How did all
• 1:20:23
  Speaker 6: this happen under her nose? I'm pissed about that too.
• 1:20:26
  Speaker 6: She wasn't watching the kids. Plus, she jokes that I'm
• 1:20:30
  Speaker 6: rigid and a neat freak all the time, so how
• 1:20:32
  Speaker 6: could she leave me such a mess? Should I just
• 1:20:34
  Speaker 6: forget about it? Confront her? And at it, for clarity,
• 1:20:38
  Speaker 6: a pipe burst at her house and the landlord wanted
• 1:20:40
  Speaker 6: $ 3, 000 to repair it. She offered $ 1, 500. He refused. That's
• 1:20:46
  Speaker 6: why they were homeless. That's crazy.
• 1:20:49
  Speaker 1: He's like, hey, it's going to be $ 3, 000. And she's like,
• 1:20:51
  Speaker 1: what if I offered you half that? And he went, no, actually.
• 1:20:56
  Speaker 6: She also just started a new job. The night before babysitting,
• 1:20:59
  Speaker 6: her new work-issued cell phone was stolen from her cart
• 1:21:03
  Speaker 6: at a grocery store. She cashed in her 401k to
• 1:21:07
  Speaker 6: use as a down payment to buy a home.
• 1:21:10
  Speaker 1: I know someone who has done that.
• 1:21:12
  Speaker 6: That's so stupid. However, the bank refused her mortgage. So
• 1:21:17
  Speaker 6: they were back to hunting for a rental.
• 1:21:18
  Speaker 1: Wow. Plus, she has a deadline to return the 401k money.
• 1:21:22
  Speaker 1: There's a little bit left of this. But what do
• 1:21:25
  Speaker 1: you think Opie should do? I would confront her. Because
• 1:21:28
  Speaker 1: I'd be like, hey, not cool what you did. I
• 1:21:32
  Speaker 1: was happy to host you. I was happy to do
• 1:21:33
  Speaker 1: all that stuff. And as a repayment, I thought you
• 1:21:36
  Speaker 1: would be respectful to my home. But instead, you just
• 1:21:39
  Speaker 1: let my kids and yours run amok and then not
• 1:21:44
  Speaker 1: even be like, hey, clean up after yourself. When I
• 1:21:48
  Speaker 1: babysit kids, I don't let them leave the room until
• 1:21:51
  Speaker 1: we're done. If we're done playing, if they want to
• 1:21:53
  Speaker 1: move on to something else, because obviously kids are like this, that,
• 1:21:56
  Speaker 1: the other thing. If they're playing with this thing, we
• 1:21:58
  Speaker 1: will clean that up. until we play with another thing.
• 1:22:01
  Speaker 1: It's just, and you should do that. That should be
• 1:22:03
  Speaker 1: instilled in kids. So then they know how to, you know,
• 1:22:06
  Speaker 1: just not leave everything a mess. Like, and it's not,
• 1:22:09
  Speaker 1: it's not being a neat freak. It's just when you're
• 1:22:11
  Speaker 1: done with something, you can put it away. Absolutely.
• 1:22:13
  Speaker 6: And I mean, I remember I used to babysit four
• 1:22:16
  Speaker 6: kids of varying ages. And the oldest one was, she
• 1:22:19
  Speaker 6: was a 10 year old girl. And I honestly, I
• 1:22:22
  Speaker 6: would play with everyone, but oftentimes she'd be like, oh,
• 1:22:26
  Speaker 6: I just want to do my own thing.
• 1:22:28
  Speaker 1: And that was fine. She was old enough to be
• 1:22:30
  Speaker 1: able to do that.
• 1:22:31
  Speaker 6: And the fact that the 10 year old here is
• 1:22:33
  Speaker 6: just like pillaging a bunch of stuff and like throwing
• 1:22:37
  Speaker 6: things on the floor.
• 1:22:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like, this mother is not teaching her well. No,
• 1:22:41
  Speaker 1: some people just do not care. Like, I mean, the
• 1:22:43
  Speaker 1: family I lived with, I mean, they don't clean anything
• 1:22:48
  Speaker 1: because they have, they had me to clean. So they
• 1:22:50
  Speaker 1: do nothing. And it's insane. They can like ruin a
• 1:22:54
  Speaker 1: room in like 30 seconds. And I'm like, And then
• 1:22:56
  Speaker 1: it takes me hours to clean it.
• 1:22:59
  Speaker 6: Considering all this, I'm thinking she probably spent all day
• 1:23:01
  Speaker 6: on the phone trying to fix these things.
• 1:23:04
  Speaker 1: Oh, the home issues. And the 401k. When I got
• 1:23:07
  Speaker 1: home and said my extra toys were destroyed, her reaction
• 1:23:11
  Speaker 1: was probably just exhaustion. Like what more could go wrong?
• 1:23:14
  Speaker 1: Don't say that you can babysit if you cannot. Yeah.
• 1:23:19
  Speaker 1: Just be like, actually, I can't like you can pay
• 1:23:21
  Speaker 1: your back in any other like you literally when I
• 1:23:24
  Speaker 1: stay at someone's house, like whether it's, you know, for
• 1:23:27
  Speaker 1: a day or two or something or they do something
• 1:23:30
  Speaker 1: for me, especially like adults. I feel I I always
• 1:23:34
  Speaker 1: like my mom will remind me to get flowers and
• 1:23:37
  Speaker 1: a note or get something, you know, chocolate, something and
• 1:23:42
  Speaker 1: a note. Just say thank you. Like, I've done it
• 1:23:44
  Speaker 1: my entire life.
• 1:23:46
  Speaker 6: It wasn't until I posted this that I really reflected
• 1:23:48
  Speaker 6: on what a good person she really is and how
• 1:23:51
  Speaker 6: out of character this is for her. She's just going
• 1:23:54
  Speaker 6: through a hard time. I can't tell you how much
• 1:23:57
  Speaker 6: I appreciate the shift in perspective. I'll still tell her
• 1:24:00
  Speaker 6: how upset I was, but I'm not angry anymore.
• 1:24:02
  Speaker 1: Thanks, Reddit. And that's the end of the story. I mean,
• 1:24:06
  Speaker 1: I understand that she's going through a hard time and everything,
• 1:24:08
  Speaker 1: but don't, like, you know... Don't say you can do
• 1:24:12
  Speaker 1: things and then don't do them. Especially if it's another
• 1:24:14
  Speaker 1: person's life. These are two of my kids. I need
• 1:24:17
  Speaker 1: you to look after them. So don't just run amok
• 1:24:21
  Speaker 1: in my house and just be like, okay, bye, see ya.
• 1:24:23
  Speaker 1: That's going to piss me off. All right, kids, do
• 1:24:26
  Speaker 1: whatever you want. That's not how babysitting works.
• 1:24:28
  Speaker 3: I'll be on my phone for three hours. And that's
• 1:24:31
  Speaker 3: the end of this story. We're going to go on
• 1:24:32
  Speaker 3: to the next one.
• 1:24:34
  Speaker 1: A family friend I bought my house from hasn't stopped
• 1:24:37
  Speaker 1: using my address for two years. You tricked me! Two
• 1:24:41
  Speaker 1: years ago, I bought my house from a family friend.
• 1:24:45
  Speaker 1: The process was swift, easy, and without problem. However, an
• 1:24:49
  Speaker 1: agreement was in place between myself and the seller that
• 1:24:51
  Speaker 1: I would let them live in the property for a
• 1:24:54
  Speaker 1: further two months past completion of sale. The two months
• 1:24:58
  Speaker 1: passed and I moved into my new property. As with
• 1:25:01
  Speaker 1: all moves, you expect some mail to be delivered for
• 1:25:04
  Speaker 1: Sue until they switch all their details with many companies
• 1:25:08
  Speaker 1: to their new address. After six months, the letters and
• 1:25:11
  Speaker 1: packages kept coming, and every time a text message would
• 1:25:15
  Speaker 1: be sent requesting they pick up the mail ASAP. This
• 1:25:18
  Speaker 1: would be weekly, and they would never turn up when
• 1:25:21
  Speaker 1: they said they would, so the pile of mail by
• 1:25:23
  Speaker 1: my door grew. I still didn't find this too much
• 1:25:27
  Speaker 1: of an issue until one day I received a text
• 1:25:29
  Speaker 1: from Sue saying hi, I'm going to have a mattress
• 1:25:32
  Speaker 1: delivered to your house. Would you mind taking it in
• 1:25:35
  Speaker 1: and I will collect the day after? No. I'd just
• 1:25:38
  Speaker 1: say no. Send it to your house.
• 1:25:40
  Speaker 2: What?
• 1:25:41
  Speaker 1: Send it to your house. Sorry, I can't do that.
• 1:25:43
  Speaker 1: I won't be there. Especially a mattress. I put my mattress,
• 1:25:48
  Speaker 1: I sent mine when I was moving to my sister's
• 1:25:52
  Speaker 1: because I didn't want it sent to the house because
• 1:25:54
  Speaker 1: I wasn't moved in yet. But I sent it to
• 1:25:58
  Speaker 1: my sister's so that Like, because she was going to
• 1:26:00
  Speaker 1: help me anyway, and we were going to pack all
• 1:26:02
  Speaker 1: my stuff up. This doesn't make sense. Yeah, it doesn't
• 1:26:05
  Speaker 1: need to be like that. I would just send it
• 1:26:07
  Speaker 1: to the old house if you're just going to put
• 1:26:09
  Speaker 1: it in your new house. For real. To this, I
• 1:26:11
  Speaker 1: was astounded at the level of naivety shown. I ignored
• 1:26:16
  Speaker 1: said text message, and the mattress did not arrive. By
• 1:26:19
  Speaker 1: the way, this comes from EntireGuest.com. 4260. And if you
• 1:26:23
  Speaker 1: want to submit your own stories, go to the r
• 1:26:24
  Speaker 1: slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia. And
• 1:26:28
  Speaker 1: we're here to give some good advice goofily, but we
• 1:26:30
  Speaker 1: don't have all your answers. We only tell you what
• 1:26:32
  Speaker 1: we would do. So let us know what you would
• 1:26:33
  Speaker 1: do down in the comments. As OP says, here's where
• 1:26:37
  Speaker 1: my problem is. Sue had launched a new business shortly
• 1:26:41
  Speaker 1: after I had moved in and I was receiving all
• 1:26:44
  Speaker 1: the company's posts. Oh, that's the worst.
• 1:26:47
  Speaker 6: I get so much company mail for other people's like
• 1:26:50
  Speaker 6: random companies here.
• 1:26:52
  Speaker 1: Stop. Leave me alone.
• 1:26:55
  Speaker 6: I'm just I mean, I'm telling her, hey, like, I'll
• 1:26:58
  Speaker 6: put this in a box for you. But at a
• 1:27:00
  Speaker 6: certain point, I'm tossing it.
• 1:27:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Oh, for sure. I think I think that the
• 1:27:04
  Speaker 1: rule should be I put it in a box and
• 1:27:07
  Speaker 1: when the box fills up, I throw.
• 1:27:09
  Speaker 2: It all out. Yeah.
• 1:27:10
  Speaker 1: Or be like you get like 60 days.
• 1:27:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:27:12
  Speaker 1: Come and get it. I became stubborn after receiving around
• 1:27:16
  Speaker 1: 100 letters for this company and started ignoring Sue whenever
• 1:27:19
  Speaker 1: they texted me purely out of frustration in the hopes
• 1:27:22
  Speaker 1: this would finally get them to change the address. This
• 1:27:25
  Speaker 1: went on for a few months until my mom came
• 1:27:28
  Speaker 1: around and took the letters to Sue. After this, I
• 1:27:31
  Speaker 1: received a text from Sue advising that they had now
• 1:27:33
  Speaker 1: changed all their addresses and I should not see the
• 1:27:36
  Speaker 1: volume of letters and parcels through my door any longer. Finally,
• 1:27:39
  Speaker 1: then one day... A notification comes through my phone. There's
• 1:27:44
  Speaker 1: somebody at your front door. I open the door and
• 1:27:47
  Speaker 1: a man with a delivery note is standing there. We
• 1:27:50
  Speaker 1: have a mattress for you. I advise that I did
• 1:27:53
  Speaker 1: not order one and ask the man if he had
• 1:27:55
  Speaker 1: the right door number. He checks his paper and says
• 1:27:57
  Speaker 1: my door number. I asked what the name on the
• 1:28:00
  Speaker 1: order is and lo and behold, Sue had ordered it
• 1:28:03
  Speaker 1: to my house knowing full well I work from home 90%
• 1:28:06
  Speaker 1: of the time. And the next day, further letters came
• 1:28:10
  Speaker 1: through for Sue's registered company. This is when I was
• 1:28:13
  Speaker 1: curious to see if they had changed their registered address
• 1:28:16
  Speaker 1: for the company as they said they would prior. I
• 1:28:19
  Speaker 1: looked online and noticed something strange. The company was set
• 1:28:22
  Speaker 1: up and used my address as its registered address a
• 1:28:26
  Speaker 1: whole two months after I legally owned the property. There's
• 1:28:30
  Speaker 1: a little bit left. What does she do here? They
• 1:28:34
  Speaker 1: show up with a mattress. I go, no, no, no,
• 1:28:36
  Speaker 1: not mine.
• 1:28:37
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:28:37
  Speaker 1: Because they have to get you to sign something. If
• 1:28:39
  Speaker 1: you just don't sign it, you're good.
• 1:28:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:28:42
  Speaker 1: Be like, actually, she doesn't live here anymore. I don't
• 1:28:44
  Speaker 1: know why she sent that here. And they'd be like, oh, sorry,
• 1:28:47
  Speaker 1: not mine. Like, I've lived in this house for two months.
• 1:28:50
  Speaker 1: I have done all the paperwork, everything. It's weird that
• 1:28:53
  Speaker 1: she sent this here. Not mine. I was fed up
• 1:28:56
  Speaker 1: with Sue's laziness, so I wrote to Companies House to
• 1:28:58
  Speaker 1: get the address changed for them. A month passed and
• 1:29:01
  Speaker 1: I received an email back advising that the address had
• 1:29:04
  Speaker 1: been changed to a default address and that they had
• 1:29:06
  Speaker 1: emailed Sue to notify them of the change. Today, I
• 1:29:10
  Speaker 1: receive a text from my mother stating, I really hope
• 1:29:13
  Speaker 1: it wasn't you that wrote to Companies House to report
• 1:29:16
  Speaker 1: Sue's company and caused them to issue a notice to
• 1:29:19
  Speaker 1: strike off. Don't know what that means? Maybe we'll find
• 1:29:22
  Speaker 1: out what it means in a second. Am I the
• 1:29:25
  Speaker 1: a-hole for this? I don't know what that means. To
• 1:29:28
  Speaker 1: strike off, dissolve a company, ensure it has not traded,
• 1:29:31
  Speaker 1: sold stock, changed its name, or become subject to insolvency
• 1:29:34
  Speaker 1: in the last three months. Close all bank accounts, distribute
• 1:29:38
  Speaker 1: remaining assets, and file final tax returns. Then submit an
• 1:29:43
  Speaker 1: official dissolution request. In the United Kingdom, submit a DS-01
• 1:29:48
  Speaker 1: form to Companies House. either online or by post, and
• 1:29:52
  Speaker 1: notify all creditors and shareholders within seven days. So I
• 1:29:56
  Speaker 1: think it just says her business may not be able
• 1:29:59
  Speaker 1: to operate. Because she needed like that address or something?
• 1:30:03
  Speaker 6: Yeah, well, she needs an official address where they can
• 1:30:07
  Speaker 6: send mail and stuff for this company.
• 1:30:10
  Speaker 1: Like you need a business address. And why wouldn't she
• 1:30:13
  Speaker 1: just use her? She might not. I don't know. I
• 1:30:15
  Speaker 1: don't know. She might be just lazy or she might
• 1:30:18
  Speaker 1: not have a permanent address. Well, now knowing what that means, no,
• 1:30:22
  Speaker 1: I don't think you're the a-hole. She should have done
• 1:30:24
  Speaker 1: that in the first place. So, you know, you're not
• 1:30:27
  Speaker 1: here to be her business's home base. That's not, you
• 1:30:32
  Speaker 1: bought the house. The house is yours. She can't start,
• 1:30:36
  Speaker 1: you know, asking you for favors or whatever. You're done
• 1:30:38
  Speaker 1: with her. And why is your mother so involved? Yeah, well,
• 1:30:40
  Speaker 1: it's a family friend. She's too involved. I think it's
• 1:30:43
  Speaker 1: friends of the mom, probably. Probably, that makes sense.
• 1:30:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:30:48
  Speaker 1: So, I don't know. I'd, I'd be like, yeah, mom,
• 1:30:51
  Speaker 1: actually it was me because I'm sick and tired of
• 1:30:54
  Speaker 1: receiving her mail for the company and I'm not doing
• 1:30:56
  Speaker 1: her favors. I don't owe her anything. I brought the
• 1:30:59
  Speaker 1: house from her. I appreciate it. I appreciate, you know,
• 1:31:01
  Speaker 1: her giving me this house and putting it, you know,
• 1:31:04
  Speaker 1: together and everything like that. But I'm done receiving her mail. Yeah.
• 1:31:09
  Speaker 1: I don't want her mattress. This isn't a business. Like
• 1:31:11
  Speaker 1: my house is a residential place. I just start stealing
• 1:31:15
  Speaker 1: all of her stuff. Oh, it's my mattress? No, it
• 1:31:18
  Speaker 1: never arrived. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know why.
• 1:31:22
  Speaker 1: Maybe you should send it to your house.
• 1:31:24
  Speaker 3: And that's the end of the story. We're going to
• 1:31:26
  Speaker 3: go on to the next one.
• 1:31:27
  Speaker 1: My friend left me stranded at the airport with no
• 1:31:30
  Speaker 1: boarding pass.
• 1:31:31
  Speaker 6: What do I do? I, 25 female, just got home
• 1:31:34
  Speaker 6: from a trip with my friend. Let's call her Laura,
• 1:31:37
  Speaker 6: 24 female. And I blocked her while we were at
• 1:31:39
  Speaker 6: the airport and changed seats on my flight. We went
• 1:31:43
  Speaker 6: on a trip for a concert, but since it was
• 1:31:44
  Speaker 6: so far away, we decided to stay for a week.
• 1:31:47
  Speaker 6: A week before the trip, I asked Laura if she
• 1:31:50
  Speaker 6: had anything planned and she said no.
• 1:31:52
  Speaker 1: I then said I would.
• 1:31:53
  Speaker 6: Plan out our days and run them past her to
• 1:31:56
  Speaker 6: make sure it was stuff she wanted to do as well.
• 1:31:58
  Speaker 6: We FaceTimed and I told her my ideas and she
• 1:32:01
  Speaker 6: said it all sounded great, that there was nothing she
• 1:32:03
  Speaker 6: wanted to add or take out.
• 1:32:05
  Speaker 1: This is important.
• 1:32:07
  Speaker 6: The night before we left, I figured out when we
• 1:32:09
  Speaker 6: would have to leave for the airport, which was 7.15 a.m.
• 1:32:13
  Speaker 1: In the morning, she tells me we have to leave
• 1:32:15
  Speaker 1: at 6.45, which only gave me 10 minutes to get ready.
• 1:32:20
  Speaker 1: And I tried to explain that we didn't have to
• 1:32:21
  Speaker 1: go that early, but I went with it anyways. Side note,
• 1:32:25
  Speaker 1: this entire trip, I figured out every single train, bus,
• 1:32:28
  Speaker 1: and tube we had to use to get to places.
• 1:32:30
  Speaker 2: Tube?
• 1:32:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like the, in London, they said the tube.
• 1:32:36
  Speaker 1: Like a subway? The tube. The tube. I thought of
• 1:32:39
  Speaker 1: like Futurama when they go through like tubes and like the, yeah,
• 1:32:43
  Speaker 1: it just like sucks you in. It's exactly that. That'd
• 1:32:46
  Speaker 1: be cool. London subway.
• 1:32:47
  Speaker 6: Not sure why she didn't offer to do it sometimes.
• 1:32:50
  Speaker 6: I found that odd, but ignored it in the moment.
• 1:32:52
  Speaker 6: The entire trip she was mostly on her phone, which
• 1:32:55
  Speaker 6: I just ignored because I wanted to have fun. We
• 1:32:58
  Speaker 6: did the things we planned and she said nothing bad
• 1:33:00
  Speaker 6: about anything we did until we were at the airport
• 1:33:03
  Speaker 6: on our way home. We're sitting beside each other, about
• 1:33:06
  Speaker 6: to take an eight-hour flight, and Laura texts me, I'm
• 1:33:09
  Speaker 6: not going home with you. My mom will pick me up.
• 1:33:11
  Speaker 6: By the way, this comes from Petty Laxative, and if
• 1:33:14
  Speaker 6: you want to submit your own stories, go to the
• 1:33:16
  Speaker 6: r slash OK Storytime subreddit.
• 1:33:17
  Speaker 1: I'm Sophia. And I'm Savannah. And we're here to give
• 1:33:20
  Speaker 1: good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers.
• 1:33:22
  Speaker 1: We only know what we'd do. So let us know
• 1:33:24
  Speaker 1: what you would do in the comments. And Opie says,
• 1:33:27
  Speaker 1: She seemed to.
• 1:33:27
  Speaker 6: Be in a bad mood most of the day. So
• 1:33:30
  Speaker 6: I texted back, That's fine with me. I'm not sure
• 1:33:32
  Speaker 6: what the issue is, though. and she leaves it on red.
• 1:33:36
  Speaker 6: We get off the plane to go to our connecting flight,
• 1:33:38
  Speaker 6: and since we missed our connecting flight due to the
• 1:33:41
  Speaker 6: delays and she booked the flights, she got emailed the
• 1:33:44
  Speaker 6: new information. She shows me the info on her phone
• 1:33:47
  Speaker 6: for about five seconds, grabs her bags, and leaves. I
• 1:33:50
  Speaker 6: have no clue what airline we're on and don't have
• 1:33:53
  Speaker 6: a boarding pass, so I'm stranded. I went to a
• 1:33:56
  Speaker 6: few different clerks, but they told me I needed Laura
• 1:33:59
  Speaker 6: to get the boarding pass since she booked the flight.
• 1:34:02
  Speaker 6: I finally find her and ask if she has my
• 1:34:04
  Speaker 6: boarding pass because I need her to be able to
• 1:34:06
  Speaker 6: get it. And she says no and storms off.
• 1:34:09
  Speaker 1: Yes, you do, girl. Yes, you do. I don't let
• 1:34:12
  Speaker 1: her storm off. I'm running after her. Yeah, what is happening?
• 1:34:15
  Speaker 1: Why is she like, does she want to just leave
• 1:34:17
  Speaker 1: you there and be like, yeah, I'm done with her.
• 1:34:19
  Speaker 1: Like what happened on the trip? I don't know. We've
• 1:34:22
  Speaker 1: got a little bit left. I don't know why she's
• 1:34:25
  Speaker 1: acting like this. I would just keep trying to. I'm
• 1:34:28
  Speaker 1: sure they have your information somewhere. You know, like a
• 1:34:32
  Speaker 1: clerk or something. And if she's just going to be
• 1:34:35
  Speaker 1: totally not helpful at all, I would keep trying with
• 1:34:39
  Speaker 1: like a clerk. Yeah. I mean, I want to know
• 1:34:43
  Speaker 1: what happened because why is she acting like this? She
• 1:34:47
  Speaker 1: was on her phone a bunch.
• 1:34:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:34:48
  Speaker 1: Which, you know, whatever.
• 1:34:50
  Speaker 2: But.
• 1:34:51
  Speaker 1: Like, did you make any smart remarks or like, did
• 1:34:55
  Speaker 1: you fight at all? Have like an argument or disagreement
• 1:34:58
  Speaker 1: and stuff where she's feeling like she has to get
• 1:35:00
  Speaker 1: away from you or something? I don't know what this is. Why? What?
• 1:35:04
  Speaker 2: Why?
• 1:35:05
  Speaker 1: What's going on? Went through this with my ex. That
• 1:35:07
  Speaker 1: was really fun.
• 1:35:09
  Speaker 6: Not great, but there's a little bit left. Luckily, I
• 1:35:12
  Speaker 6: was able to get my boarding pass without her.
• 1:35:14
  Speaker 2: Good.
• 1:35:14
  Speaker 1: After I explained the situation to one of the clerks, oh,
• 1:35:18
  Speaker 1: and they upgraded my seat due to the trouble and
• 1:35:19
  Speaker 1: nature of the situation, which I'm very grateful for. Wow.
• 1:35:23
  Speaker 1: That's very nice. Nice.
• 1:35:25
  Speaker 6: After our second flight landed, I texted her saying, it's
• 1:35:28
  Speaker 6: crazy leaving me stranded in an airport and withholding my information.
• 1:35:32
  Speaker 1: F you. Because, well, I was very annoyed at that point.
• 1:35:37
  Speaker 1: She texted me back saying she felt I was being
• 1:35:39
  Speaker 1: extremely selfish the entire trip for picking everything we did
• 1:35:42
  Speaker 1: and everywhere we went. which didn't make sense to me
• 1:35:45
  Speaker 1: considering she didn't have anything planned. Oh, that's annoying. I
• 1:35:49
  Speaker 1: would immediately call her out. Yeah, I'd be like, sorry,
• 1:35:52
  Speaker 1: did I miss something? Did you plan something?
• 1:35:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 1:35:55
  Speaker 1: It's like when we went to Tahoe and you planned
• 1:35:58
  Speaker 1: all this stuff, and then everyone's like, none of us
• 1:36:01
  Speaker 1: even wanted to do that. No one said anything. Yeah,
• 1:36:04
  Speaker 1: like after the trip, they're like, why did we do
• 1:36:06
  Speaker 1: the boat? I wanted to go to Yosemite. Okay, and
• 1:36:11
  Speaker 1: was anyone going to tell me?
• 1:36:12
  Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
• 1:36:13
  Speaker 1: All right then. Literally. So am I the a-hole for
• 1:36:16
  Speaker 1: blocking my friend while on a trip together? I mean, no,
• 1:36:19
  Speaker 1: she blocked you first. Yeah, she literally blocked you in
• 1:36:24
  Speaker 1: real life. She real life blocked you from getting on
• 1:36:27
  Speaker 1: a plane. She ran away from you the whole time.
• 1:36:31
  Speaker 1: That's so weird and so petty. I don't care who
• 1:36:33
  Speaker 1: you are. Like, and even if you had done that,
• 1:36:36
  Speaker 1: it's still unacceptable behavior. Yeah. Like, don't do that to someone.
• 1:36:41
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Like, at least get home and then
• 1:36:43
  Speaker 1: you can, like, argue about it.
• 1:36:44
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:36:45
  Speaker 1: And that's the end of the story. We're going to
• 1:36:47
  Speaker 1: go on to the next one.
• 1:36:48
  Speaker 2: Hey, it's Carly, your favorite axolotl host here. We're going
• 1:36:53
  Speaker 2: to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes
• 1:36:55
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• 1:36:57
  Speaker 1: I slept with the guy my best friend was seeing.
• 1:37:00
  Speaker 1: Then she got pregnant. Oh, that's messy. I, 18 female
• 1:37:04
  Speaker 1: at the time, moved out for the first time with
• 1:37:07
  Speaker 1: my best friend, 20 female. I'll call her Liz. We
• 1:37:11
  Speaker 1: rented a house together in April 2022. We were both single.
• 1:37:15
  Speaker 1: Liz was casually seeing multiple guys while I was still
• 1:37:18
  Speaker 1: in an on-again, off-again toxic relationship with my ex. Don't
• 1:37:22
  Speaker 1: you just love those? Those are, like, are they just
• 1:37:26
  Speaker 1: so fun? Those are just so fun. I love being
• 1:37:28
  Speaker 1: a part of those. One of the guys she was seeing, James,
• 1:37:32
  Speaker 1: was around all the time. He helped us move into
• 1:37:34
  Speaker 1: the house, came clubbing with us, and was over almost
• 1:37:37
  Speaker 1: every day. He was funny, outgoing, and easy to get
• 1:37:40
  Speaker 1: along with, so we became good friends. One night, I
• 1:37:43
  Speaker 1: was home alone after a huge fight with my ex.
• 1:37:45
  Speaker 1: James came over, we hung out together, vented about our relationships,
• 1:37:49
  Speaker 1: and one thing led to another. We ended up sleeping together. Oh, James. Yikes. O.P.
• 1:37:57
  Speaker 1: Not just James. I mean, both of them.
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 2: Ouch.
• 1:38:00
  Speaker 1: James. I just meant like, ah, James got him. Ah, O.P. James, no.
• 1:38:05
  Speaker 1: James O.P. Joe P. Joe P. By the way, this
• 1:38:10
  Speaker 1: comes from Celeste MMJ, which was submitted directly from the
• 1:38:15
  Speaker 1: r slash OK Storytime subreddit. Ah, you and us. Ah. Uh,
• 1:38:21
  Speaker 1: my name is Savannah. I am Sophia. And we are
• 1:38:24
  Speaker 1: here to give some good advice goofily, but we don't
• 1:38:26
  Speaker 1: have all your answers. We only tell you what we
• 1:38:28
  Speaker 1: would do, but let us know what you would do.
• 1:38:29
  Speaker 1: down in the comments. As Opie says, the next day,
• 1:38:33
  Speaker 1: I told him he needed to stay away from me
• 1:38:35
  Speaker 1: because I wasn't okay with him sleeping with both of us.
• 1:38:38
  Speaker 1: He stayed away for about a week, but Liz started
• 1:38:40
  Speaker 1: wondering why he wasn't coming around anymore since he'd practically
• 1:38:43
  Speaker 1: been at our house every day. Eventually, he started coming
• 1:38:47
  Speaker 1: back over, and although we tried to keep our distance...
• 1:38:50
  Speaker 1: We both realized there were genuine feelings developing. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no, stop. Stop.
• 1:38:58
  Speaker 1: To make things even messier, my ex still came over sometimes,
• 1:39:02
  Speaker 1: so the four of us would hang out together. What? Oh, yeah,
• 1:39:07
  Speaker 1: that's real messy. What made it even more awkward was
• 1:39:10
  Speaker 1: that my ex had cheated on me with Liz about
• 1:39:13
  Speaker 1: a year earlier while we were still together. Okay. Okay.
• 1:39:17
  Speaker 1: This is just, don't be friends with any of them. Yeah.
• 1:39:19
  Speaker 1: We're friends with Liz still? Yeah. Liz cheated with your
• 1:39:25
  Speaker 1: boyfriend and we're friends with Liz still? And now you're
• 1:39:30
  Speaker 1: sleeping with her guy who she's seen.
• 1:39:32
  Speaker 2: Oh.
• 1:39:34
  Speaker 1: To get back at her, but then there's also feelings there.
• 1:39:36
  Speaker 1: I really don't. I don't know. This is all so messy.
• 1:39:41
  Speaker 1: A little while later, I realized I had genuine feelings
• 1:39:44
  Speaker 1: for James. I planned to tell Liz while we were
• 1:39:46
  Speaker 1: glamping together, but before I could, she said she needed
• 1:39:50
  Speaker 1: to tell me something first. She told me she was pregnant. Oh,
• 1:39:56
  Speaker 1: my God. That's crazy. Imagine if you said yours first.
• 1:40:02
  Speaker 1: We're like, I have a really strong feeling for James.
• 1:40:04
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. We've been seeing each other. And then
• 1:40:07
  Speaker 1: she's like, I'm having his child. James, you dumb. You
• 1:40:14
  Speaker 1: dastardly dog. You sly dog. I asked who the father
• 1:40:18
  Speaker 1: was and she said James. No. For this, I had
• 1:40:22
  Speaker 1: asked her multiple times if she actually had feelings for
• 1:40:24
  Speaker 1: James because I didn't want to cross any lines. Every
• 1:40:27
  Speaker 1: single time she told me no. Even after telling me
• 1:40:30
  Speaker 1: she was pregnant, I asked again and she still insisted
• 1:40:33
  Speaker 1: she didn't have feelings for him.
• 1:40:36
  Speaker 2: Oh boy.
• 1:40:37
  Speaker 1: After hearing she was pregnant, I couldn't bring myself to
• 1:40:39
  Speaker 1: tell her how I felt about James. In September 2022,
• 1:40:43
  Speaker 1: I moved out because I felt overwhelmed with guilt and
• 1:40:45
  Speaker 1: didn't know how to face her anymore. I let her
• 1:40:48
  Speaker 1: and her cousin keep all the furniture and even the
• 1:40:51
  Speaker 1: rental bond because I felt so bad. Oh, OP!
• 1:40:55
  Speaker 5: Stop it!
• 1:40:56
  Speaker 1: After I moved out, James and I quietly started seeing
• 1:40:59
  Speaker 1: each other. Not long after, James met up with Liz
• 1:41:02
  Speaker 1: to discuss the pregnancy, and he asked for a paternity
• 1:41:05
  Speaker 1: test because he wasn't the only guy she was sleeping
• 1:41:07
  Speaker 1: with at the time. The conversation became a huge argument.
• 1:41:12
  Speaker 1: At the end of the fight, he told her that
• 1:41:13
  Speaker 1: we were together.
• 1:41:14
  Speaker 5: No!
• 1:41:17
  Speaker 1: Why he do dat? Why he do dat? I can't. James,
• 1:41:20
  Speaker 1: you sly dog. Like to throw it in her face
• 1:41:22
  Speaker 1: to make her feel bad? I hate everyone here. I
• 1:41:24
  Speaker 1: don't know. Everyone sucks here. She completely lost it. I
• 1:41:27
  Speaker 1: wasn't there, but afterwards, she told James she wanted nothing
• 1:41:30
  Speaker 1: to do with him and didn't want him involved with
• 1:41:32
  Speaker 1: the baby. After giving her some space, I tried everything
• 1:41:35
  Speaker 1: to repair our friendship. I called her, texted her, and
• 1:41:38
  Speaker 1: even went to her house, but she refused all contact.
• 1:41:41
  Speaker 1: The only time she came to see me was to
• 1:41:43
  Speaker 1: drop off some of my belongings. My brother told me
• 1:41:46
  Speaker 1: she wanted to talk, but I was extremely sick that
• 1:41:49
  Speaker 1: day and could barely stand up, so I said I couldn't.
• 1:41:52
  Speaker 1: Fast forward to today. James and I are still together,
• 1:41:56
  Speaker 1: and it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. I
• 1:41:58
  Speaker 1: just can't. Maybe that's true, but I can't believe that
• 1:42:02
  Speaker 1: that is actually that healthy. Yeah, that's your healthiest relationship?
• 1:42:07
  Speaker 1: I just can't believe that's true. Liz has since moved
• 1:42:10
  Speaker 1: on and is raising the child with her new partner.
• 1:42:12
  Speaker 1: The child looks exactly like James, but James still has
• 1:42:16
  Speaker 1: no relationship with his son. I'm sorry, is that not
• 1:42:20
  Speaker 1: like a red flag? A huge red flag. I mean,
• 1:42:23
  Speaker 1: it's a red flag that you're going to come after
• 1:42:25
  Speaker 1: me when you're with my friend. Yes, exactly. I'm going
• 1:42:28
  Speaker 1: to completely deny you access to this.
• 1:42:30
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 1:42:31
  Speaker 6: It's also crazy that, OP, I think it's a little
• 1:42:33
  Speaker 6: crazy that you knew, regardless of whether Liz had feelings
• 1:42:38
  Speaker 6: for James or not, The fact that they were seeing
• 1:42:40
  Speaker 6: each other in any shape, you know, I.
• 1:42:44
  Speaker 1: Would not be going near that.
• 1:42:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:42:46
  Speaker 1: And, like, Liz is not innocent either. No. No one's
• 1:42:49
  Speaker 1: innocent in this story. This whole square is evil. Not evil.
• 1:42:52
  Speaker 1: This whole square is guilty, is what I meant to say.
• 1:42:55
  Speaker 1: It's a guilty square. Guilty evil square. His own father
• 1:42:58
  Speaker 1: abandoned him when he was a baby, so he always
• 1:43:01
  Speaker 1: said he'd never do that to his own child. Okay, so, like,
• 1:43:04
  Speaker 1: are we not judging this? Are we not casting some judgment? Unfortunately,
• 1:43:09
  Speaker 1: Liz still refuses to let him see his son, and
• 1:43:13
  Speaker 1: we haven't been able to afford taking the matter to court. Okay.
• 1:43:17
  Speaker 1: All right. If you can't afford it, that's a different story.
• 1:43:20
  Speaker 1: There is a little bit left here. I hate this.
• 1:43:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:43:24
  Speaker 6: I will give you a little bit of leniency because
• 1:43:27
  Speaker 6: you cannot afford to go to court to get custody
• 1:43:31
  Speaker 6: of this kid. But for everything else that happened in
• 1:43:34
  Speaker 6: the story, I also don't give you leniency for that.
• 1:43:37
  Speaker 1: It's just everyone sucks. I'll say it again. Everyone here sucks.
• 1:43:42
  Speaker 1: Just bad friendships. Bad friendships all around. Why even be
• 1:43:45
  Speaker 1: friends with someone if you're jealous, have any malicious intent
• 1:43:50
  Speaker 1: towards them? Just don't be friends with them. Just don't
• 1:43:52
  Speaker 1: be friends. And also don't be friends with people that
• 1:43:54
  Speaker 1: cheat with your boyfriend. Right?
• 1:43:57
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 1:43:59
  Speaker 1: I thought it was common sense, but apparently common sense
• 1:44:01
  Speaker 1: is not that common. We gotta tell ya. We gotta
• 1:44:02
  Speaker 1: tell ya. Ironically, Liz and I now work for the
• 1:44:05
  Speaker 1: same company. We're on different shifts, so we only see
• 1:44:09
  Speaker 1: each other occasionally, but when we do, we don't speak.
• 1:44:13
  Speaker 1: After all these years, she still wants nothing to do
• 1:44:15
  Speaker 1: with me. I know this whole situation is incredibly messy.
• 1:44:19
  Speaker 1: I know sleeping with someone my best friend was seeing
• 1:44:21
  Speaker 1: was wrong. But they were never in a relationship, and
• 1:44:25
  Speaker 1: every time I asked if she had feelings for him,
• 1:44:26
  Speaker 1: she told me she didn't. On the other hand, she
• 1:44:29
  Speaker 1: had previously slept with my boyfriend while we were together, so...
• 1:44:33
  Speaker 1: i the a-hole everyone is everyone is the a-hole yeah
• 1:44:37
  Speaker 1: everyone's the a-hole there's no everyone's wrong everyone's wrong here
• 1:44:41
  Speaker 1: no one is right there yeah there is no right
• 1:44:43
  Speaker 1: situation because all of it is wrong and you all
• 1:44:46
  Speaker 1: just like swap partners and it's really freaking weird yes
• 1:44:49
  Speaker 1: when you're not even you know in open relationships or
• 1:44:52
  Speaker 1: anything like you just swapped partners for what is weird
• 1:44:56
  Speaker 1: and that's the end of the story