Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / You Recorded The Fight To Prove You Were Right | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep469

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You Recorded The Fight To Prove You Were Right | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep469 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Recording a fight.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: No more, Mr.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Nice Guy.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Why your partner disrespects you and how you have the power to influence a different lifestyle, a different adventure for your marriage.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Will this work for me?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Stop sending miles of text messages.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your wife withholding text from you.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Truth, integrity, moving fast, and sound decisions.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Recording a fight, right or wrong.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And this topic should feel hot.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because I know it's very common for you guys to record your fights to try to prove something, and we'll get into a lot of this stuff.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But also, I know a lot of you think about it.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we get asked all the time, should I do it?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to cover some of these things right now.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because it can be good and it can be bad.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: And how you use it, and more specifically, the motive you have for it is actually the bigger problem that I have with the recordings of a fight.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything you want to say before we get started?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because you have recorded me a lot several times, many times, and uh almost always worked well in her favor.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think only can only think of once where I was like, oh, I think maybe you should watch that again and check your behavior.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: But the reason is simple because most times you record the fight and you're on your best behavior because you have the wrong motive.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, this reason why I really want to bring this up is I recently had a man who recorded a fight.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: He wanted us to like I could not get this man to it.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like he was talking about the restraining order, he was talking about the things that his wife said, he was talking about all this shit.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: My wife, my wife, my wife, and I was like, what did you do?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because he did get arrested.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: He is going to court for the restraining order, and he did get the order, and he's got to go fight it.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So what did you do?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: When we watch these fights, you guys, we can tell if it's nothing.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, pause real quick.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: There was a woman one time, Chris, she's messaging.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: We're in the middle of our our hanging out at nighttime, and and um she so Catherine gets her to send over the recording.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think she's gonna be.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think I got her to, I think she just sent this over to me and was like, this is my five minutes long, and I'm listening to it, and it's calm, calm, calm.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's not bad at all.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm the whole time I'm waiting for the fight to break out.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: And then I got to the end of it and it stopped, and I I had to send a message to my client, and I said, I need to break it to you.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: You're you're catastrophizing.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: You're making something out of something that's not there.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I can get that this might be difficult, but I kept waiting for the fight to start.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: If that was the fight, I was blown away.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so she took it very humbly and she was like, Okay, because I said you you need to you're you're just you're very upset, you're a negative sentiment override, you're thinking that something's happening that isn't it.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: She was very accepting of that.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: I said, I get that this is hard, but this is nothing.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this is completely like normal for you guys to blow it up.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: But I think most of you don't watch recording back when that happens.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's why she said, I've recorded it, here you go, and didn't realize.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: But then you get this this guy that I'm talking about who, like, when you when we listen to it or we watch it, it's almost always listen, because right, even if you're recording with video, usually you're hiding your phone, right?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: So we're just listening to the audio, and you can see that he's literally like trying to push her.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: We saw we had one recording a couple Christmases ago, I think maybe.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you gotta see my wife, and his wife was absolutely going nuts.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, she was smashing vases on the floor.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: She was.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I get all that, but we could a hundred percent see him pushing her by not pushing her, acting like she's crazy by not being crazy, amplifying her craziness, pointing out her characters, pointing out how she's it's not normal to let's say drop a vase.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, catastrophizing it, there's a good word you just used.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: She she threw the vase at me.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Girl dropped the vase on the floor in a piece, cracked, and flew towards his foot or something.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, come on.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: What a bitch to say something like that.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what happens with most of you guys.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: You find what you're on your best behavior, and then you find the way to prove they're wrong, and then you amplify it all because you don't give a shit about doing anything to move your marriage forward when you do this nine times out of ten.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: In which case, it's wrong to record.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely wrong.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: You're trying to be right, and you're trying to get them to acknowledge and maybe apologize, maybe suck up, maybe do it your way, and that would mean it's all wrong to record.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm gonna give you an example of when it's right.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: You could go look at the dates, but two years ago in from April, okay, so you have to go back two years from this past April, excuse me, March, there was a recording of a fight that we talked about.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, Catherine recorded me, um, so this would be like two and a half, maybe three years ago already.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, April 2024.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: April 24.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Recorded me losing my mind.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't matter what what for, it doesn't matter, but I lost my shit.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of like what I was talking about in the last episode with Insecurity, okay?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: Where I got really, I should tell you what it was.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna go find out if God was real in Africa, okay?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was terrified, what if I didn't find God?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: What would that mean for our marriage?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and I said something wild.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: I said, if you don't find God, I think I'm gonna give up on the whole thing too.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: I would never give up on God.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: But I was I was trying to be supportive, like thinking, of course you're gonna find God, of course you're gonna see miracles.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I think I'm gonna give up if you don't find that's what I said, and it just flipped a switch and it was over.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it sent me over now.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, this is a long way through my growth.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: But if you follow our story, you'll see that there's a lot of learning and there's some growing, getting better, and then there's also like things will happen where you you do break, make mistakes, have fuck-ups, do whatever.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like you you have to fail forward, which is what happened after that.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But in the meantime, it was like uh I probably mostly the night um scream fest, lecture fest, fuck this, but now at this point, I I'm not breaking shit like I used to, I'm not hurting Catherine like I used to, but just screaming at her, lecturing her, the scorekeeping list, everything wrong because I had such a fear that I wouldn't find God, and what she meant was we'd be done.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and rather than talk like a human, I ended up losing my mind.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine coined it a narcout, actually.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's when I coined the term narcout.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and it's the last because it was a narcissistic relapse.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: He was he had been in control for so long until that happened, and I was just like, holy, what is this?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And so Catherine recorded it, and Catherine used her skills.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And guys, by the way, some of the episodes recently, we've talked a lot about the power that a woman has to influence her husband.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine didn't just do things like engage with me, she engaged with me and stopped shutting down.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: So even though I was losing my mind, she was doing things like she would teach, like asking questions.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: She wouldn't get anywhere because I was fucking losing my mind.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: But all of that behavior, when I watched the recording, I was I was gone when I watched it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: You sent me.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You sent you we took a drive in the morning and I sent it and you watched still pissed off, still her fault, still blah, like fuck this, fuck that.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: Left the house.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then she sent it to me.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: You only watched a couple minutes, I think, too.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, I didn't it doesn't didn't take long.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the difference between what Catherine did and what you guys do when most of you record.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Catherine used her tools, right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like she she be portrayed herself as the person she wanted to be.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, even though I used to abuse Catherine, okay, and this is long before this narcout, Catherine started to stop being a victim instead of, even though she was one, and started to treat me differently, love me differently, in essence, use a woman's power, the power that she has to be herself, the woman she was born to be.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And when I was able to watch the recording, her not crazy making, her acknowledging me, and me, the crazy in the moment, just bringing more out of the end.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: See, taking that piece she was offering and bringing more pain.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's the that's the reason why you share this shit.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: When you use the tools correctly, when you show up, not trying to push buttons.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't mean you won't push buttons.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: See, the proof is in the recording.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Versus the guy that's like, oh, I can't believe you just honey, that's not like you.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: What's going on?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're throwing vases at me now.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Patronizing.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Passive aggressive comments are common for you guys.
• 8:15
  unknown: Right?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: I also think if you're gonna, sorry, go ahead.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I was just saying, when you guys, oh no, I got a recording of it, I didn't do anything wrong.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you're being passive aggressive.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You really are.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're building yourself up and putting them down.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: There's wit as a weapon.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's so many easy, subtle signs that we get to see to know that you were on your best behavior, as best as you can manage, by the way, that's not always good, just to prove your partner wrong.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I think I might have to sneeze, but what I was gonna say was if you pull your phone out or pull some recording device out to record, I don't think you should be on your best behavior.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to act the way that you would normally act, otherwise you prove nothing.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: So most of the time when I was recording, I was the same way that I would be when I was feeling attacked in a fight.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: Now there were other times where I was probably worse, and there were other times when I probably was, I don't know, manipulating the situation.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I don't remember situations like that because I always wanted to record to see the truth.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted him to see the truth.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted to connect on it and get better.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: So Which is why we've been able to teach you with recordings of our fights, you guys.
• 9:16
  unknown: Yeah.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because did you hear what she said?
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: To connect and get better.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: She means breakthrough.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Never had a narcote sense.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't want you to make a math.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, it should hold you accountable.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: If I have the recording on and I know it's recording, it should hold me accountable.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: But I shouldn't be a different person.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's the thing.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I could watch that and go, yeah, but you're still not using your tools.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: That wouldn't have had the same impact as her being the powerful woman she teaches women to be.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I I think you gotta understand the difference.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we know when it's wrong.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: When it's right is when you want a breakthrough.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's never been about you being right or your partner being wrong.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's always about to be.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you want to be right, and of course, there there is a little bit of wanting to be right because if you think your partner is being abusive, you want that to be proven.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: But if you want it to be proven just because you want to be right, then get a divorce.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you want it to be proven so that you can have breakthrough and change and move forward together, that's different.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: You guys understand that?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I wanted to be right.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted him to be wrong.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted him to see he was wrong.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: But the why behind why I wanted him to be wrong was because I wanted him to be better.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: I wanted us to be better.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let me give you an example of why this how this is proven, okay?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So essentially when I come home the next day, she doesn't just forgive me, of course not.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: We have a conversation.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: She doesn't just accept my apology, but she starts to listen to my uh how I'm taking accountability and responsibility for it.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: She starts to see uh here's a really good example, because you guys, the changes I don't believe are real.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's what you don't you have this this this incredible thing where you can't let your partner change and you won't accept their change when they finally do it.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: She's allowing herself to do her best to accept me and want to change.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's it.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: For breakthrough, you guys.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this makes a lot of sense.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You got anything wanna add up?
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: Nope, nothing.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'll see you guys next time.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.