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Are You Protecting Standards—or Self-Sabotaging Love? · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to the Diva Detail,
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where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention,
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we keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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No filters, no limits, just fearless
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conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with
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Diva Mia.
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Hello, beautiful people. Welcome back to the Deviant Details. Let me
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paint you a picture. You're on a 3rd date. The conversation is
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good. He's super funny, or she's super funny. He's kind,
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and he asked about your mama's surgery and actually remembered the details.
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And then he orders his steak well done, or he says supposedly,
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or he's wearing those shoes, you know, the ones that you can't stand.
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And just like that, something in you goes cold. You go home, you text
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your best friend, girl, it's not gonna work out. And she says, why?
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And you say, because of his shoes. And you say, well,
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maybe not. It's not necessarily the shoes, but the shoes represent
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something more. And then you both laugh. Today's show is gonna
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be how we handle the big things and the little things with the same energy,
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how we are honest, how we can point to the things that we
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need to, and always with love. I'm your host, and today we are
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getting into a question I have been sitting with for a long time. Are you
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having standards and boundaries, or are you self-sabotaging?
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When does a dating deal breaker actually matter? Because here's
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the thing, Divas, we have been told, and rightfully so, to know our
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worth, have standards, don't settle. And I stand on that.
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I really do. Because I think that when you settle or you let your boundaries
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down, you end up in a relationship you don't recognize over time.
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But somewhere along the way, some of us took know your worth and
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turned it into find the flaw in the other person in
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order to get out of the relationship. We started treating every first date
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like a job interview when one wrong answer gets you escorted
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out of the building. So today we're going to talk about the difference
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between a real incompatibility and a regular human being who's
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a little rough around the edges. Sometimes people go on dates and they're a little
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nervous and they don't really show you who they truly are. We're gonna talk about
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why we sabotage good things, why certain things set us off
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like a smoke alarm when we burn toast and how our guest
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shows up at the dinner table uninvited. And at the end, I'm gonna give
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you a real way to figure out your actual deal breakers. Plus,
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what do you do when something new just kind of fizzles out
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that you thought might actually work out? So grab your
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tea, your wine, your latte, and let's get down to details.
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First, we're gonna talk about incompatibility versus just ordinary imperfections.
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Let's start with a truth that might sting a little bit. Every single person
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you date is going to be flawed. Every single one. None of 'em are gonna
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be perfect. Everyone. The question was never, do they have flaws?
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The question is, can I live with these flaws? And can they live with mine?
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Because you have flaws as well. So how do you tell the difference between a
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real incompatibility and someone's just being human? Here's how I break it
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down. An incompatibility is about direction. An imperfection
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is about their delivery. Incompatibility is when the two of you fundamentally
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have different lives. You want kids, they don't.
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You want to build roots in a specific state. They wanna live on
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a sailboat. They wanna travel and you wanna stay home. Those are incompatibilities.
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Faith is in the center of your life perhaps, and they think it's nonsense,
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or your religions are completely different and they collide.
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You may also need someone emotionally available and they generally believe
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feelings are a weakness. And so maybe they're avoiding them. Those aren't
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quirks. These are 2 cars headed in completely different
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cities. You can enjoy the ride for a minute, but eventually somebody has
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to get out. And sometimes people will have chemistry, but they don't
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connect on basic levels. Imperfection is about the how,
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not the where. There's a little awkwardness on a
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first date. They text K and that drives you nuts. They are
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bad at picking restaurants. They talk too much about the fantasy
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football team. They're nervous, so they overexplain or they
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get nervous. And don't know how to behave on a first date, that's not a
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mismatch of values. That's just a person. Here's a little test
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I use. Ask yourself 3 questions. Is this about who they are or
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how they're showing up right now? Nerves,
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awkwardness, and the first date weirdness are temporary.
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Characters and values are not. You're looking for someone
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whose character and values align with yours.
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Would this still matter in 5 years if they behave this
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way. Maybe they have bad shoes, but shoes can be replaced.
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Maybe they have different views on marriage, money, or kids, but those
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things just don't disappear. Does it hurt me or does
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it just annoy me? Disrespect, dishonesty,
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cruelty, and controlling behavior hurt, and a loud laugh
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just annoys. You need to determine non-negotiables,
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and respect, honesty should be non-negotiable.
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If they're being disrespectful or dishonest, you need to seriously
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look at the relationship. But if their laugh is a little annoying, can you adjust
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to deal with it? It's a temporary, small, and merely annoying thing. That's an
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imperfection. If it's a lasting core and actually harmful
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or misaligned with your life, your values, who you are as a person, that's an
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incompatibility. And let me say this clearly, because I don't want anyone twisting my
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words. Red flags are not imperfections. Lying,
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disrespect, aggression, love bombing, making you feel small
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so that they can feel bigger. That is not someone being rough around the
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edges, that's information. Believe it the first time.
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But being 5 minutes late, not knowing which fork to use, having a
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weird laugh, that's Tuesday. That's just, that's just another
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day. Realize that sometimes we adjust to their
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inadequacies as well. Sometimes we even self-sabotage.
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Let's talk about the part nobody likes to admit. Sometimes the problem isn't
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them, it's you. Sometimes, baby, it's the
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voice in our head handing us a pair of scissors and saying,
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cut it before it cuts you. Sometimes people have an avoidant personality
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because they've had trauma. Self-sabotage is when part of you wants love
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and another part of you is quietly working to make sure it never gets
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too close. You're sabotaging the relationship every chance you get,
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and it doesn't usually look like sabotage. It looks like having standards,
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or it looks like being busy, or it looks like, I just don't feel a
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spark. Or maybe you're always considering other people as backup plans.
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So why do we do it? Here are the big ones I see over and
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over again. The first is fear of being hurt. If you leave first,
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you can't be left. So some people self-sabotage
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because they're afraid of getting hurt. If I can find the flaw early,
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then I never have to risk my heartbreak later. It feels protective,
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but a wall that keeps out pain also keeps out everything else,
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all the good stuff. That wall will end up leaving you
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lonely in the long run. A fear of being seen.
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Getting close means somebody eventually sees the real the messy
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apartment, the anxiety, your bad credit, your family drama.
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And sometimes you don't wanna be vulnerable with people and you don't wanna open up.
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Some of us would rather end it at date 3 than
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find out whether we're lovable at date 30. And sometimes
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it's comfort. Sometimes comfort with chaos.
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If you grew up unpredictably, a calm,
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consistent person can feel boring, You want the chaos,
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you want the constant anxiety to feel alive. So when
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you're with somebody that's got a secure attachment or is calm,
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it may get boring after a while, not because they are, but because your nervous
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system doesn't know what to do with peace. Your nervous system doesn't
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know what to do when it's relaxed. We confuse anxiety with
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chemistry. So you may search for chemistry and anxiousness
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in other people because you don't know how to handle the peace. And the
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butterflies, sometimes that's just your alarm system going off that
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This person is chaotic. So when you find peace, you don't know what
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to do. Another one is deep down unworthiness. If somewhere inside you, you believe
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that you don't deserve a good partner, you will find a way to prove yourself
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right. You will think in your head that you're undeserving and
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you'll pick at them or you'll test them, or you'll see
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if they will stick around through all your flaws, or you'll push them away
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and then say, see, I knew it wouldn't work. That's a way to self-sabotage.
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And then there's the perfect-on-paper trap. Social media and dating apps
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have us shopping for people like we shop for shoes.
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You filter, you swipe, you compare. There's always another
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option. There will always be another option. So why commit to this one? That endless
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menu makes ordinary flaws look like deal breakers.
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So you're constantly searching where the grass is greener
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or the next best thing. And then you find out that you've passed over some
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really good things. Self-sabotage. Leads to a life of regret.
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Here's how to catch yourself. Self-sabotage usually has patterns.
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Ask yourself, do my relationships tend to end right when they start getting really
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serious? If you're backing away as soon as something gets serious,
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that means you may be an avoidant. You may have that attachment style and
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you need to look through that with a therapist because avoidant attachment
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styles tend to leave people miserable over time. Do I lose interest
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the moment someone is consistent with me or nice to me?
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Do I not trust it? Do I look for a reason to
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leave rather than finding one to stay? Do my reasons
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for ending things sound a lot like the reason I gave
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last time? So you might be repeating the same patterns over and
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over again with every person you date. If you're nodding along,
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I'm not judging. I'm right there with you. I've had to go deep and
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look at my patterns as well. Awareness isn't shame. Awareness is the first
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door out. And you may have it in relationships. You may have the same problems
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in marriages. If you keep getting in and out of relationships or
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in and out of marriages, the problem may be you. Here's the other thing.
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We also may be triggered about pasts that show up when we're
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in a new relationship. So let's talk about the triggers because this is where so
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much dating confusion lives. A trigger is when something small in
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the present lands like something huge from the past. Maybe he
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takes 4 hours to text you back and suddenly you're not a grown woman with
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a career and a skincare routine. You're the version of who waited
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by the phone for someone who never called. Your body reacts
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before your brain even gets a vote. That's not being dramatic.
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That's your nervous system doing its job. It remembers what hurt
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you and it's trying to keep it from happening again. The problem
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is it can't always tell the difference between danger and familiarity.
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Here's how past pain tends to show up in new relationships.
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Abandonment wounds show up as panic over slow replies,
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needing constant reassurance, or leaving before you can be left.
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Self-sabotage is part of a trauma response.
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Betrayal wounds show up as suspicion. You're constantly
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checking and reading every I'm running late as a lie. That happens often
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if you've been cheated on. Criticisms or control wounds show
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up as bristling at any feedback or hearing, can you not do that?
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You're not good enough. Childhood neglect can show up as discomfort
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being cared for or as attraction to people who are emotionally unavailable
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because that feels like home. You may seek
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out people that are emotionally unavailable, and when you find somebody that gives you
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love and care, you sabotage the relationship so
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you can go back to what feels like home and your normal of
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emotional unavailability. And here's the trick: a trigger can
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make a good person feel like a red flag, and it can also make a
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red flag feel like home. So how do you sort it out? When you feel
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that rush, the tight chest, the spiral, the urge to send a paragraph,
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try this. Name it. Just saying it puts a little space between you
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and the feeling. Ask how old the feeling is. Is this
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reaction about today or does it feel older than this relationship?
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Is it my history that's actually making me feel this way?
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And then check out the facts. What actually happened? Not the story, the facts.
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He didn't text you for 4 hours is a fact. He's losing interest is
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a story you made up in your head. So, and then you may to wait
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before you act. Give it a few hours or sleep on it. Don't make a
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permanent decision about a temporary feeling. Sometimes you need to communicate your needs,
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not the accusation. I feel more secure when we check in during the day
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is something about your feelings. It lands very differently than you
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saying to someone, you clearly don't care cuz you didn't text me every hour.
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Sometimes your triggers, you need to work on that.
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Now, real word here. If you're noticing that the past is running
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your love life, the same pain, the same patterns, the same endings,
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that is a perfect reason to work with a licensed therapist.
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It's not a weakness. I think most adults have triggers
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and wounds, whether from childhood or adulthood, that they need
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to work through, or they end up blowing every relationship that
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they get into. Some people say, well, I can't afford a therapist. Well, can you
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really afford going through your life relationship after relationship
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and never actually stabilizing your relationships? You need to decide
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your history doesn't get to write your future. I'm not the clinician and you
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deserve real support for real wounds. You have to work through
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those real wounds. Until you do, you'll keep blowing up your relationships.
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How do you figure out your real deal breakers? All right,
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divas, it's homework time. And yes, I want you to actually do this one
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with a pen and paper, unless you're driving, of course. But most of us
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carry around a list of deal breakers we never really examined.
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Some came from our mamas, some came from TikTok, some came from that one
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ex who ruined Capricorns for us forever. So let's,
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let's clean out the closet. Remember, we did go through a list not
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too long ago of 100 things that people want. You can use that
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as an outline if you want, but I want you to sort everything on your
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list into 3 buckets. Bucket 1 is your non-negotiable. These are about safety,
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value, and life direction. Things like honesty, respect,
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kindness, wanting the same big things, kids, marriage,
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faith, whatever it is, where you want to live, how you want to handle money.
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Keep this list short, 5 to 7, maybe 10 max.
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If you have 25 non-negotiables, you don't have standards. You have a wall.
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There was a time when I had 50 non-negotiables and I
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had a huge wall. Bucket 2, strong preferences. These matter,
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but you can flex. Maybe you'd love someone who works out,
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who's close to their family, who loves to travel. Great.
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Those are things you lean towards, not things you walk away over. Now,
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it may be that you walk away over somebody that doesn't work out
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because you're big into working out and it's a part of your lifestyle, but maybe
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they do other types of exercise. Sometimes it can be flexible. Bucket 3,
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surface stuff like height, what's their shoe size,
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what's the shoe choice, whether they like cilantro or
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whether they text you all the time, whether they check in in
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the morning or they check in at night, their zodiac sign. You know,
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there's a lot out there on the internet talking about zodiac signs and
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alignment. I don't know what's true or not, but different zodiac signs
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can get along as well. Relationships take work, and I think people
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sometimes forget that. I'm not saying these don't affect attraction.
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They can. I'm saying they don't get to vote on whether the person is
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right for your life. Now for items in number 1, okay? And this
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is bucket 1. I want you to ask why, and then ask it again.
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I won't date someone who doesn't make 6 figures. Why?
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And you may say, because I want stability, but why? And it may
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be because you grew up watching your parents fight about money. Okay? So that's the
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real non-negotiable. It isn't a salary, it's financial responsibility
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and shared money values. That's a much better filter And
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it lets in some amazing people you first may have ruled out or
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would've kicked out. For instance, maybe you have someone that you date
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that's been very frugal with their money and
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they bought apartment buildings. So they make a little bit of money from
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the apartment building. So they're financially stable and they have
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recurring income. You could date somebody that makes 6 figures,
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but spends 95% of their money and doesn't save anything.
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When you dig down to the root, a lot of so-called deal breakers turn out
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to be fears, in a costume and a few of
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them turn out to be exactly right. Both are good to know. You need to
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make sure you know. So you're looking for finance, financial stability,
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not necessarily somebody that makes 6 figures. One more check for
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any deal breaker that shows up early in dating. Ask, have I seen
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this once or is it a pattern? And that's something
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you need to recognize because if you keep seeing the same pattern, you might be
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going for the same type of person. Did I communicate what I
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needed and how did they respond? Are they responsive or are they blaming?
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That's a red flag for a lot of people. And am I reacting to them
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or to someone who came before them? That was my big thing is I
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kept on my last relationship, I kept trying to make sure I was accommodating
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because I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting triggered from a previous
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relationship I was in. And sometimes you have to be careful with that
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question though, because you may allow red flags
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to go by the wayside because you're trying to make sure you're not being triggered.
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So it's kind of a double-edged sword there. How a person responds when
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you say what you need tells you more than almost anything else. Someone who says,
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I didn't know that mattered to you. I got you. That's someone who
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can grow, you can grow with. Someone who rolls their eyes and keeps doing it,
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that's your answer. And if you have to tell a grown man multiple
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times that something's bothering you, it might be time to move on.
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And sometimes let's talk about what happens when your
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relationship starts to fizzle and sometimes it keeps
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us up at night because we wanna make things work so badly,
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but there's just something that's making the relationship
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not healthy. Not the dramatic breakup, the fizzle, the talking
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stage that just stopped, or the 3 great dates followed
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by slower texts, then, hey, I've just been really busy, then nothing.
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And your brain goes straight to, what did I do wrong? First, I need you
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to hear this. A fizzle is not a verdict on your worth.
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Most early connections don't turn into relationships. It's not
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failure. A lot of people will date somebody for a week or two and then
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it just fizzles out. It may just be the connection wasn't that deep.
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That's just how dating works. You're meeting strangers and seeing if your
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lives fit. Most people's lives do not fit. It's very hard
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to not only find a connection but also to merge
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lives because as adults it's different.
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Than when we were in our 20s. As adults, we have so much
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going on. It's so hard to put 2 people's lives
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together and make it work. It's beyond connection. It's alignment.
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That's the whole point of the process though. If it's still worth reflecting
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on, reflecting is how we grow. So here's how I
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tell the difference between it was me and it was the fit is
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it might be a fit issue if the conversation never really flowed,
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even when you both tried. I went on a first date the other day and
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found the conversation was okay, but there was just
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no connection. And it was hard for me to— the guy was super nice,
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don't get me wrong, really nice guy. I just— there was no connection.
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And the conversation, it flowed, but it didn't flow naturally. It was a struggle.
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And then you can find out, well, you know, our lives might have fit,
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but there was no connection. Sometimes you wanted different
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things and it becomes clear very early on. That's why I like
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to be honest on first dates because why have a fake persona
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and delay an inevitable— if it's going to work, you're going to know on the
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first date. Your schedules, lifestyles, or energies may not
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match as well. I found that happens often. You may
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have history that doesn't match. You may have personalities
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that don't match and sometimes ages don't match.
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Sometimes you try to go younger or you try to go older. And it
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just doesn't match. Sometimes it's too big of a gap. Sometimes it's
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too small of a gap. And sometimes it's just personalities.
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Sometimes it's not, it's a fit issue if you felt like
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you had to perform to keep their interest. Sometimes it's an issue if
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it ended and honestly you felt a little relieved. Sometimes we
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make ourselves small so other people can feel bigger, and then
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we're stabbing ourselves in the back. Sometimes it's best just to let certain people
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go. Maybe you have difference in morals, values, and ethics
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and different standards in that area. If they are violating
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your non-negotiables right off the bat, it's time to walk away.
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It might be worth looking at if it was your part, if this
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is the same ending you keep getting with very different people. I went on
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a date with a guy who said he seems to only get through date 3
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and then it ends. And every single time it does. Well, I made it through
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date 1 with him. I didn't want a second date. It may be him.
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He, he, maybe he's just doing something or he's not really opening up and the
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people feel that. Again, it's always best to open up and
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be who you are on your first date. Don't be fake. Sometimes you pulled back
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right when they leaned in. Some people do a push-pull like that.
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And when you pull back, some people aren't going to chase you.
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Or you came on very strong, very fast out of anxiety rather than genuine interest.
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Sometimes we are anxious, especially if we went through a breakup recently.
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And we're anxious to get into a new relationship. And when that happens,
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sometimes that can push people away. You were already picking them
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apart before you even knew them sometimes, and that will also push
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people away. Sometimes people make judgments
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just on what their dating profile says. Sometimes a friend you trust
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has, has gently said, sis, you do this.
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You do this every time. You break up with them. Every single time
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over the same stuff? If that happens, you need to look at why.
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Dive deep into the reason why, whether you're with a therapist or on your own.
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One fizzle is just part of dating. A pattern of the
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same fizzle is a message for you. So what do you do when it fades?
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You gotta feel it briefly. It's okay to be disappointed, especially if you
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were starting to get feelings. Give yourself a day to be a little sad
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and eat some good ice cream. Don't chase the closure text.
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You know, don't need them to explain it for you to move on.
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Their silence is an answer. If they're not texting you,
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it's an answer. They're not interested. Write down one lesson,
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not 10. One. I ignored that
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he never asked me questions. I ignored that I always felt smaller around
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him, or I pulled away when it started to get real. Those are
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real questions and lessons you need to learn. Check your patterns too, not your
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value. Are you doing the same thing on this relationship as you did on the
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last? Ask what you can do differently and not what's wrong
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with you. If you ask what you can do to improve and you start improving
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your dating and your relationships, over time you're gonna
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find that you're in more loving and happy relationships. Get back out
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there when you're ready. Don't rush it. There's not— when you're desperate,
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when you rush it because you got out of a relationship, all it does is
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make you fail in the next one. Dating from a full cup feels
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completely different than dating from an empty one.
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Sometimes it takes a long time to heal. Sometimes it doesn't.
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It's up to you. Everybody moves at their own pace. If you realize,
23:53
okay, I think I talked myself out of a good one, that's not the end
23:57
of the world either. Sometimes a kind, honest message will allow you
24:01
to go back. Sometimes, I think I got in my own head and I'd like
24:04
to try again with us, is worth sending. Sometimes,
24:07
you made a mistake. You need to determine if this is the one you wanna
24:11
be with and then try to see if there's a way to rekindle. The worst
24:15
thing they can say is no, and you'll have practiced being brave.
24:19
If they say yes, you do need to make an effort and not repeat the
24:23
exact same pattern you just did in order to break up. So let's bring it
24:27
home. Standards will protect you, but self-sabotage
24:31
protects your fear. And a lot of people self-sabotage relationships
24:36
and don't even understand why. And self-sabotage is fear-driven.
24:40
They can sound exactly alike sometimes. So the difference is
24:43
the why. A standard says, I deserve someone who shares my
24:47
values and treats me well. It's a way to make sure you keep your peace
24:52
and to make sure that you are protected as well. But self-sabotage
24:56
says, I'll find something wrong before you can find something wrong
24:59
with me. That's self-sabotage. Or, I'm gonna do
25:02
something to see if I can test them and to see if they'll stick around.
25:05
That's also self-sabotage. Keep your non-negotiables short
25:09
and sacred. Hold your preferences loosely.
25:12
Preferences can change, and preferences can change over time.
25:16
I know when I was younger, I always wanted a tall guy. I just
25:20
did. Now it's not as big of a requirement for me or even a preference.
25:24
I don't really care about height as long as they're taller than me. Let the
25:27
surface stuff be surface stuff. Notice when your past
25:31
is talking louder than your present, and when something fizzles,
25:35
take the lesson. Leave the shame behind.
25:38
Let it go, but learn from each lesson. Here's your
25:42
objective for the week. The next time, the next time you feel
25:45
the urge to write someone off, pause and ask, is this a deal breaker
25:50
or is this a defense mechanism to protect myself? Just asking
25:53
that question could change your whole love life. And I'd love
25:57
to hear from you too. What's a deal breaker you used to have that you
26:00
let go of and found that it wasn't as big of a deal breaker as
26:04
you thought, or one you'll never budge on? Send it in, drop it in
26:07
the comments, and I might read yours on a future episode.
26:11
If this episode hit home, share it with friends who keep saying,
26:14
it's not the shoes, it's what the shoes represent.
26:18
You know exactly who she is. Until the next time, keep your
26:21
standards high, your heart open, and your details fabulous.
26:25
This has been Diva Details. This is Diva Mia. Love as much as you
26:29
can 'cause life is short. Stay beautiful. Take care.
26:32
Thanks for tuning in.
26:35
Like, subscribe, and drop a comment. We'd love hearing from
26:39
you. Visit thedivadetails.com to connect.
26:43
See you next week for more.
26:49
Diva Details podcast and website are intended solely for informational and entertainment purposes. The content
26:53
provided does not constitute professional medical, financial, or legal advice. We are not licensed medical
26:56
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26:59
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27:03
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27:16
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