Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 233. Do You Want To Be Right.. Or Do You Want To Be Happy? Plus Our Crazy Poll Results

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233. Do You Want To Be Right.. Or Do You Want To Be Happy? Plus Our Crazy Poll Results · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: Welcome to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick Amy, nicky, nicky Amy.
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: That was an explosive introduction.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: You made me do it.
• 0:52
  Speaker 3: That was huge.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: This is why Nick opens, because I'm not as entertaining.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: No, you're totally entertaining.
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: You're going to love the episode today.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: I know we're going to jump into something else first, but this episode makes me laugh.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: It'll be a good one, but so true.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: That's why it'll make you laugh.
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: But let's start out with a, would you rather?
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: All right.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: The would you rather question for today is would you rather relive our first date or relive our wedding day?
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: First date.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: First date.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: Oh, my gosh Okay.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: And what's the reason?
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: The reason I answered that way?
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: Because our first date was so.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: It was a blind date.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: Me and Nick met on a blind date.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: We instantly fell in love.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: Instantly.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: The connection was high, the butterflies were high, the feelings were just.
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: You know, we had a great night.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: We hit it off, we talked for hours, we never wanted it to end and it was just awesome.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: It was so fun.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: It was so fun meeting Nick and being like, oh my gosh, like I, I don't know, we both felt the exact same way.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: It was pretty cool, but I don't mean to say that I picked that over our wedding day.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Our wedding day was great but, like for a woman, it's stressful.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: Things go wrong.
• 2:11
  Speaker 2: There's a lot of people there that you don't want, don't know.
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: It's just a lot and you're exhausted and our wedding night was funny, so yeah so that's, that's probably why I would say relive our wedding day.
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: Oh, really I could make amends on our wedding night.
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: I would like to redo some things of our wedding day.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I guess that's a good choice.
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: That's a hard question.
• 2:36
  Speaker 3: That is a tough question because they were both so good and yeah you can, okay.
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: So you would say wedding day for that.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: Let's just say I was it.
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: I was a 26 year old virgin and my parents didn't teach me anything, and I'll just, we'll leave it at that.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: And now, here here, 22 years later, we're the owners of a sex app.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: I mean you can't make that stuff up.
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: It's an intimacy app an intimacy Intimacy app that has an aspect of sexual intimacy created by experts and us, and it's about emotional intimacy 90%.
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, when we say created by experts on, I Definitely was not the expert you weren't that expert.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: You're an expert part.
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: So I was moving on.
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: Not moving on.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: That is exactly why the app is so great to get on.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Ultimate intimacy app.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: Get on and do some.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: Would you rather questions with your spouse?
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: Because in 22 years I've never asked you that question, I've never even thought of asking you that question, and I didn't know that you would love to relive our wedding night.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: I hadn't well kind of knew that, but I.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: Didn't know that you would pick that over our first awesome date.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: Our.
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: It was a time it was a toss up.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: It was really tough.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: You can see how these awesome questions lead to deeper discussions.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Reminiscing it's fun and so if you even just do a couple of these at night, you're gonna stay super emotionally connected.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: So the questions on the app are awesome.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: That is, that is so true.
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: Okay, so jumping in jumping into our past Podcast today is.
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: The title of the episode is do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
• 4:23
  Speaker 3: Do I have the option to have to be both?
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: Can I be both right and happy?
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: Or it depends on the argument.
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: That's true and the situation.
• 4:35
  Speaker 3: That's true, All right Well.
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: I'm laughing at that because I think there were years in my marriage.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: I literally just wanted to be right and I think there were years in our marriage, or you just wanted to be right.
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and those are probably years that were the worst and now I would say I'm more like I just want to be happy.
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: Like I don't have to, I'm not gonna argue with you and let it turn into a massive rager, just to be right.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: Okay, you guys, and this is not in any way.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: Please do not take this in any form of bragging, because I'm not trying to brag.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: I don't think that we have had a fight in our marriage.
• 5:09
  Speaker 3: I'm not talking disagreement or or like we have disagreements, we have disagreements like a fight For years where we've like thrown punches at each other.
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: No, no, no, no, no.
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: I'm talking about those things.
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: We've never done that.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: No, like just like a yelling fight where, like, we're both yelling and mad at each other.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: I don't think we've done that in years.
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: Let me tell you why.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: Because after like year, 20 years of being marriage, I realized it did nothing.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: It did no good for me to try and be right, to try and always be right, to try and Win an argument to get mad, like getting mad never did anything, never helped in the situation, never fixed a situation.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: And we are at the point in our marriage now where it's like you know what, if you're mad, let's just talk about it, let's just get it out, let's just be mature and respectful.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I just done with the fighting.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, right, a.
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: Great example of this.
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: So we were playing pickleball several months ago and they have what's called the divorce line, where a ball goes down the line and you look at each other and you say that was your shot and they say, no, that was your shot.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: We had like three balls go down the divorce line.
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: Nick is trying to start a fight and Amy.
• 6:25
  Speaker 3: And Amy said that's your shot and I said no, that's, that's your shot.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: My hold on hold on your forehand.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: That time you were the forehand, you was your shot, see so I had.
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: I had the choice to either, even though I was a hundred percent right.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: No, I was right.
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: I had the choice to say, alright, I, I'm not backing down.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: Those were on her side.
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: Instead of doing that, I just said you know what, babe, you're totally right, that was totally my fault.
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: Instead of getting divorced, that was totally my shot, and the conversation ended and we were happy.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: I wasn't happy because I know you only said that for one reason.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I really you really didn't believe that I was right.
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: I thought I was.
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: I actually called my professional pickleball friend player the next day and I was like I need to know in the situation who was right.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: He did yes, oh.
• 7:18
  Speaker 3: I didn't know and she's like it was the forehand.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: You were right.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: In that situation.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: I was like okay, good, good thing I didn't start a fight over my point is is I just said you know what, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: It doesn't matter, I just want to have a happy wife.
• 7:33
  Speaker 3: And so this is a true story.
• 7:35
  Speaker 3: So I was like I don't really freaking care if that was my shot or her shot, it really doesn't matter, I just want to be happy.
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: So I, instead of even talking about it, we're just like I let it go and and I think we were both probably happy, right, because I don't remember being super happy about that little thing, but I did let it go and I let it go.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: I did let it go.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: We both let it go, I did let it go I have another story.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Should I throw one more story out?
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: Sure, yeah, let's do it.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: So any of you that saw our story on Instagram we just got back from our week vacation for the year together and we were scoping out a place in Mexico for a marriage retreat that we want to do.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: And and on day two, if you already saw, we had our tripod on the beach next to the water and I was like, is this tripod gonna like stay?
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: Is this gonna be staying if we, if we make like a video really quick and next like, oh yeah, it will be fine?
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: I was like, okay, so we walked down the beach, I I turn around, my tripod is in the water with my phone sloshing around the sand, okay, and I run back to my phone and I'm like, oh my gosh oh my gosh Phone destroyed.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: Rest of the trip.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: No camera for me, no social media.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: No, it ended up being a blessing, but at the moment I was freaking out and I'm like my kids are at home and they have no way to contact me except for through you.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: And it was all fine.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: It wasn't a big deal.
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: It was a five day social media fast.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: It was great.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: We had an amazing time.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: I did not let my phone ruin my trip.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: My phone was destroyed and instead of being like that was your fault because you told me the tripod was fine, I said it was both of our faults.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: We made a mistake.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: Let's move on.
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: And that's where we're at in our marriage now, and that was not where we're at in our marriage a few years ago.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Well, several years ago, we've gotten way better.
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: And I said that was totally my fault, because five seconds later I said, yeah, it's going to be fine.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: And that was before the wave crashed and washed up into the and almost took my phone to the ocean.
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: So the point is is I didn't see the wave.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: The point is it doesn't matter, because in my personality in the past I would have been like I can't believe that was your fault.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: You owe me a phone.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: And I would have gotten defensive and you would have been defensive.
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: And you were like, well, that was done to put on tripod in the water, like, but the point of this and I know that there's way bigger arguments, there's way bigger things that cause explosions of marriage and fights.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: I know there's.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: I know these are like stupid examples, I totally get that, but they aren't, because a lot of people's relationships and marriages do get affected by these little things.
• 10:11
  Speaker 3: It could have been so easy to have you say you told me that was going to be all right and then be mad the rest of it.
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: And then have me get fired back and all of a sudden we're like arguing at each other over a problem that cannot get fixed Right Like it's already done.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: I'm to a point now where I'm like I'm not going to let a stupid phone or this or that affect our relationship.
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: If it was a mistake, if it was something silly, that doesn't need to be caused in a big problem because I'm trying to be right or you're trying to be right.
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: And then actually turned out great.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: I said, oh sweet, you now get a new phone.
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: Next time we're down here, I'm going to throw my phone in the ocean and I'll get a new phone you.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: My point is is you can make, you can turn it into a very positive situation and and make it actually help you grow closer as a couple, rather than you know personal sure getting in an argument, but it is amazing how many couples are.
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: It's so important to be right to to and it's human nature to want to be right.
• 11:09
  Speaker 3: Right, we want that validation, we want to feel like we know what we're talking about.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: But to be right at all costs is going to have significant costs of significant damage to your relationship.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Okay, before you jump in, I'm not saying that we're in a place because we're oh so great we figured this out.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: We have been in the place where we did not have that figured out for many, many, many years, right, many years.
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, where he wanted to be right, or probably most of the time, it was me, because I do have that personality.
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: I I can argue way more than Nick can argue, and Nick is more of a peacemaker in the marriage.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: Bless his heart, so grateful for marriages that have that white personality that is a peacemaker and that just doesn't care to have to be right, because someone in the marriage usually has more of an ego of trying to be right, and that was probably me a lot of the time.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: But I think we both have that in us.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: I think most people do have that in you.
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: We took some polls, you know, to kind of find out how people feel about this subject.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: Love the polls.
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: Let's dive into the polls.
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: Let's love the polls.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: But I just wanted to say that before we start like we've been at the point in our marriage before where trying to be right has negatively almost just straight the marriage yeah.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: And it's so easy to just say, you know what, it really doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, let's just I think it takes maturity and a lot of things that you go through together to get to that point where you're just like I'm tired.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: Is that even really?
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: worth it.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: I just I want to be happy.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: I want to be happy.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: So that's the point.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: So we asked the question, we literally asked our audience in your marriage, would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: 2%, 2% said I always want to be right.
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: Okay, so that's okay.
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: That's really low, I would love to ask that.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: 2% how their spouse feels about you and how they feel about your marriage.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: 58%.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: I'd rather be happy.
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: That's almost 60% of our audience that took this poll would rather be happy.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: Good answer.
• 13:17
  Speaker 3: But then the next one.
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: Then 40% said depends on the argument.
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: And I, I, I get that.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: I laugh at that, but I also get that right.
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: Like there's some things that some couples are just like I.
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: There's no way I'm backing off from this.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: But that's the whole point of this podcast.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: If you're stuck in that, 40.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Depends on the argument If I want to be right or not.
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: That's 40%, 40%, 42% actually 42%.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: Well, yeah, add the 2% that always want to be right 42%.
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: That's a high number.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: That's a high number for people that would rather be right in a situation than just let it go and not let it cause a problem, right?
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: That's exactly right.
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: So that is exactly why we're doing this podcast.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: So we ask the audience how does it make you feel when your spouse always has to be right?
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: I'll just read a few of these Not respected, sad, hurt.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Being right is more important than our love and happiness.
• 14:29
  Speaker 2: It's very frustrating.
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: It's a huge roadblock to vulnerability and healthy communication.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: It's annoying, drives me nuts.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: I feel devalued, degrading.
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: It feels like my feelings are not being validated.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I feel belittled, um, just empowering, discouraging.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: I just don't even bother to argue, I quit.
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: What is the point, see, and that's a.
• 14:54
  Speaker 3: We just got tons of those, see and that's a frustrating thing too is because I think arguing is healthy, right, if you?
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: If?
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: You do it right If you get to the point where you're just saying I'm not even why even try, I'm just gonna pretty much distance myself from them, or what have you?
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's obviously not healthy either, but that's exactly why we're doing this podcast.
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: So Well, hold on, expand on that comment real quick, arguing and disagreeing.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Remember, we made a statement one time that says um, a professional says that if there's no arguments in your marriage, that means someone's voice is being silenced or you've given up to a point where you don't care anymore, which is just a fact which both are awful.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: They're both awful.
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: So you don't want to get to a point where you just don't even want to argue anymore, because that is a very scary breakdown point where some spouses get I mean that's like the biggest communication block right there.
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: Like I'm just done, I don't want to try anymore and I get a lot of messages from husbands when they're like I want to talk to my wife about sexual intimacy and I want to talk to her about these disconnects that we're having, but I'm so sick of it turning into fights I don't even go there anymore and that's a scary place to be.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: It is and I think in our relationship, like I'm not really, I would say early on I was more scared to get into arguments because I knew that it was going to maybe turn into something bigger and more and cause more conflict.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: But I'm not scared to get into arguments or disagreements anymore because of the way I think we both handle things now.
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: Right Now it just becomes more like a discussion and almost like how do we resolve it rather than trying to prove a point.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: And we I think we're mature enough now that we both recognize that our happiness is more important than being right.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: Or being mad.
• 16:46
  Speaker 3: Or being mad.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: It actually negatively affects a lot of parts of your life when you're mad.
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think that's what we want to dive into and talk about is why the urge to be right can be so destructive.
• 16:58
  Speaker 3: Because it can First off ego right, like if you are one of those people that has that urge to be right all the time or you have to be right all the time, you probably have an ego issue, especially when you're willing to win an argument or force winning an argument over your spouse's feelings and their trust and the intimacy between you both.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: If you're willing to disregard their feelings, how they feel, just because you have to be right, I mean that's obviously not a good thing.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: Oh, totally.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: I don't even know how to expand on that.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: That's perfectly said.
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like your spouse's feelings should outweigh your ego.
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: And I think, if that's all you look at is and think, okay, how is my spouse going to feel during this argument or with what we're talking about, that one thing alone should dictate how you talk to your spouse.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: I love the quote that you always share that says you cannot argue with someone's feelings because they're feelings.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: If my feelings are my feelings, nick's feelings are Nick's feelings.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: I don't know how he's feeling, he doesn't know how I'm feeling, so we could argue all day that.
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: I'm right with my feelings or he's right with his feelings.
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: It's not going to change anything, that's not going to change how we feel.
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: He feels like his feelings are valid.
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: I feel like my feelings are valid.
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: Someone having to be right in that situation is never going to happen.
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: It's never going to happen, because you can't change someone's feelings.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: No.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: You can't.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: Anyways, I also believe that it causes an escalation of conflict, right?
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: So you see couples that sometimes and maybe you've been one of those couples too but you have a little argument and it could be like you know who runs the fastest or what the best toilet paper is.
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: I mean, it could be something so ridiculous that you get in an argument and you're so set in your ways and have to be right that all of a sudden that turns into a bigger conflict and a bigger conflict when, pretty soon, like you're going days without talking to each other over something that was so ridiculous We've done that.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we've done that.
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: We've played the silent treatment game before in our marriage.
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: It's stupid.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: And I would say that most couples probably have one time or another and then they usually look back and be like that was stupid.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: That's right.
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: And then you do it again and you're like that's really stupid.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: You're like acting like two year olds, and then you do it again.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: It's easy to happen.
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: And your ego, your escalation of conflict.
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: This is really going to create an emotional distance or wedge between you and your spouse.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: How often do you have arguments and they get, like I said, get blown out of proportion, and then you spend days not talking to each other.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: Right, that's a huge emotional disconnect, and even when you finally do start connecting again, it's almost like you got to go through a whole healing process.
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: Even when you do connect again, it's like you're still walking on eggshells.
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: You've got to go through the healing process just to hopefully get back to where you were.
• 20:10
  Speaker 3: The problem with that is, the more often this happens, the more the relationship is going to really be on edge, right?
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: You're not going to be able to be yourself.
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: You're going to be worried about what you're going to say or what you're going to do, and so it's going to just create almost a permanent emotional distance from each other.
• 20:29
  Speaker 3: It's also going to cause endless arguments.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: You're just going to continue to argue about stupid things time and time again, and you can look at the couples that fall under this exact category that we're describing.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: Also, I think, how do you feel about trust and what it does to trust?
• 20:55
  Speaker 2: are trying to be right.
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: I just think that trust is built with respect and by the way that you handle and show your spouse that their feelings are valid and that you love them more than you love to win.
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: Is that the right answer?
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I think that's perfect.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: I mean that's my answer.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: I think.
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think all these things we're talking about are going to erode trust and obviously take a huge emotional toll.
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: I know when we were constantly arguing about things going through the difficult times we were, I just I always felt exhausted and I would get to the point where I'd be like I don't even want to talk about it anymore and I would really distance myself because I was just.
• 21:45
  Speaker 3: I think we both got exhausted and tired of and the stress and the anxiety and the resentment and everything else that goes along with it.
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: The point we're trying to make is just this perception or this attitude of having to be right can cause so many negative things down the line.
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: If you look at many couples that get divorced, it can probably be drawn back to this one thing of just the destructive behavior.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: It is having to be right in arguments.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: Well, we speak so much about how emotional intimacy is like the foundation of a marriage right.
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and trust is a huge, huge aspect of that, and you build trust in your relationship, showing your spouse your love, by the way you handle situations like this.
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: So if you want strong emotional intimacy so that you can have strong sexual intimacy, absolutely, absolutely comes down to healthy pride and healthy communication.
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: So I think we've hit on how it can be so destructive, the urge to be right.
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: But why should someone choose happiness over being right?
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: I mean, I think this is pretty easy to answer, but what are your thoughts on that?
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: Which one?
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: There's probably a whole list, right.
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: Well, obviously, you're gonna have a much stronger relationship, just like the examples we shared, right, we could have easily gotten mad and frustrated and blown up and had several days we're not talking to each other and things like that, but we chose not to do that right.
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: We chose to just let it go, and it wasn't even a speed bump, so to speak.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: It just was like almost non, a non-existent issue.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: Well, you've heard those comments I feel belittled, I feel devalued, I feel hurt, I feel unappreciated.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: All those, all those feelings.
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: That's that's how all these spouses feel when their spouse has to be right, overvaluing how they feel right.
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: So, unless you want your spouse to feel like that, which can lead to emotional abuse, I don't know.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: I don't know why anyone would love somebody, their life to someone, and then want them to feel any of those feelings.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: Well being right is gonna cause those feelings.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: Why?
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: Why would you put your ego above them?
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: And those?
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: were pretty powerful words too.
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: It wasn't like people were saying, oh, it made me feel kind of sad or it made me feel kind of this.
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: It was like resentment made me feel unimportant.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: I mean the depressed like the.
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: The words that they were using to describe how they felt were very, very serious right.
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: Yes very unhealthy, and so you know.
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: That just shows how important this I don't want to say simple thing is, but in reality it really is a simple thing.
• 24:52
  Speaker 3: It's almost a choice.
• 24:53
  Speaker 3: Right, you have a choice, and it's so simple just to make the choice, like do I want to be happy, because if I want to be happy, here's the things I need to do and here's what I need not to do, or do I want to be right?
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: And if you want to be right, you're?
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: This is where it gets hard, though.
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: It's because we come from different backgrounds.
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: We have we have spouses who have grown up with yelling in their home, with name-calling, with unhealthy communication, spouses that do get upset and that do have pride issues like everybody's coming from.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: These different upbrings.
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: Right, that totally affects marriage, and so it comes down to how do I break, break this, this habit or this way that I am, because I do love my spouse more than I love this personality trait that I have taken over right, yeah and so it comes down to wanting like we said in the last episode caring and putting in that effort.
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: How can I and and we had that level of toxicity when we didn't know how to communicate well during our rough times and we do the silent treatment, we do the yelling and we do the accusing, and I'd have to be right or you'd have to be right.
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: We got to a point where it was like this isn't healthy, I don't like it, you don't like it.
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: It's not helping our marriage.
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: We want an intimate marriage.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: We want to have strong emotional intimacy.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: So sexual intimacy does happen multiple times a week, so that we both want it multiple times a week.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: But it's these little tiny.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we say simple little things, but these are major things.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: Every time you have a disagreement or a communication error or some kind of something that's pulling you apart, some kind of barrier, that's major because the way that you handle those situations affects your entire sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy no question.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: I mean, these are these little things, the way we communicate at the way that we compromise, the way that we have to be right or we just settle and let the stupid things go in our marriages are the major things that keep marriage on track yeah for sure.
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: So let's talk about the four things that people can do to really hopefully eliminate this, really think about this so this doesn't become an issue in their marriage.
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: I think it's really important to pick your battles right, like, obviously, if you're having an argument about something that's a core value or truth or or a principle, I mean, there are certain times where you need to stand your ground, and you do need to stand up for what is right.
• 27:30
  Speaker 3: But in a marriage, the majority of your you know communication and your, your discussions are probably not gonna involve those things, right.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: I like that you said stand up there are there definitely times in marriage when you have to stand up for yourself, and I mean right, like there's definitely times, like I said, your core values, your ethics, things like that.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: So I think the first question to ask yourself is evaluate the importance.
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: Is this a matter of my core values, my principles, or is it just something that Really has is meaningless?
• 28:06
  Speaker 3: And if it's meaningless and really doesn't have that a core value or or an ethic or a principle, then just let it go right right.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Simple as that.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: It's hard to let things go.
• 28:18
  Speaker 3: It is, but that comes back to ego right.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: But we all have it and so that that takes practice.
• 28:24
  Speaker 2: It takes practice, like I've had to learn how to implement that in a marriage, just letting stuff go, and it's not always easy it's not easy, but on the flip side it should be right, like it's just it should be if you have that personality, but if you don't, it's not easy.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: I just like that you got a practice at it, just like anything else, right for sure for sure.
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: Second thing is is timing is everything.
• 28:51
  Speaker 3: If you are, if emotions are running high, you're in the heat of the moment, you know, maybe step away and think about things and and say, hey, babe, we, you know, let's give it five or ten minutes to kind of cool down and think about things, so that you don't say Anything in the moment you regret or you don't make everything escalate.
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: It's almost take like a short timeout.
• 29:14
  Speaker 3: Focus on the bigger picture too.
• 29:17
  Speaker 3: I mean, you know, ask yourself the question will this argument matter in an hour, in a day from now, in a week from now?
• 29:26
  Speaker 3: I'm up from now, a year from now, whatever is this?
• 29:28
  Speaker 3: Is this something that's really going to Make a difference or even matter in the whole scheme of?
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: that's a great question, because I think most people's arguments like where to eat or what to get for dinner or or like the little I mean I know there's big ones, but like the little tiny things, just let them go- yeah, like you're gonna poop your food out in 24 hours, so really, it really doesn't matter, like where you eat right, like 24 hours later you get oh my gosh so I can edit that.
• 30:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, just like like Amy said, just you know is it?
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: Important or is it not important If you?
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: really ask yourself that question, though I think 90% of the things that people argue about, if it's not gonna matter in a week from now, or in a few days from now, or a year from now Just let it go.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: I think most things would be like okay, it can go.
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, right, yeah, for sure.
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: And I think to you know, looking back at Amy and I's experiences and stuff, like it really came down to these questions right, and answering these questions doesn't really matter, right, in the long term does it really matter whether it's the pickleball or any other things we've had like that?
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: It's not gonna matter, it really doesn't matter exactly and so I don't know.
• 30:50
  Speaker 3: Hopefully, the, hopefully these can be a real benefit and help to you In resolving conflict resolution.
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you want some like awesome coat to end it with or something.
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: I.
• 31:05
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: Do you have one?
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: He just looked at me like you should finish the podcast.
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: I was like Amy's wisdom is so, so good, like what is your last thoughts of, of leaving the wisdom that you have?
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, that is so much pressure.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: To me, commitment in marriage means love and you show love not by saying it but by acting on it.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: And the best way to show love is the way that you speak and Treat and make your spouse feel.
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: I think my favorite quote is people will never remember after you die what you did, what you accomplished, but they'll always remember how you made them feel.
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: And If you actually take that to heart and think how do I make my spouse feel During these kind of things, during times that are hard, during times of frustration, I Think if you care how your spouse feels, then you will be able to turn that switch, that the unhealthy pride switch off and let it go.
• 32:25
  Speaker 3: So, as we leave the deep thoughts with you today, how's it beautiful.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: Do you?
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: want to be right or do you want to be happy in your relationship?
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: That is the question.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: So until next time, we hope you enjoyed the podcast and we hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship and it's almost Valentine's Day and If you need an awesome gift, go straight to the shop, because we have awesome gifts.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: Do I need to say what?
• 32:59
  Speaker 3: was beautiful.
• 33:02
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• 33:04
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• 33:06
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• 33:08
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• 33:10
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• 33:15
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• 33:26
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