Latest / UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth / EP 59 - When Responsibility Becomes Your Identity

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EP 59 - When Responsibility Becomes Your Identity · UNMASKED with Wesley Farnsworth

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  I think one of the quietest ways men lose themselves is through
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  responsibility. Not rebellion, not selfishness,
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  not walking away from people. The opposite.
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  By caring deeply, by carrying a lot, by trying to hold
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  everything together for everyone around them.
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  And slowly, without realizing it, their identity starts
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  attaching itself to the people that they love.
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  Not just the role as a husband or a father, but to the
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  struggles connected to those roles.
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  So instead of saying I'm a man who loves his family, it quietly
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  becomes I'm the husband of somebody struggling.
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  I'm the father of a hurting child.
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  I'm the guy trying to keep this whole thing from falling apart.
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  And after a while, you stop knowing who you are on the
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  outside of what you carry. I think a lot of men are living
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  there right now. And tonight, I want to sit in
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  that honesty for a while. Welcome to Unmasked, where we
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  take off filters and get real about faith, failure, and
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  finding freedom. I'm your host, Wesley
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  Farnsworth, a dad, veteran, author, and a man who's learned
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  that God does his best work in the middle of our mess.
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  Each episode will have honest conversations with people who
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  have walked through addiction, pain, or doubt, and with
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  pastors, leaders, and everyday believers who are learning to
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  live and lead authentically. So take a breath, pull up a
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  chair, and let's get real. This is Unmasked.
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  The identity rarely changes dramatically.
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  Usually it's a quiet shift. It happens gradually over time.
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  One responsibility at a time, one burden at a time, one
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  difficult season at a time. And before you realize it, you
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  stop introducing yourself by who you are.
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  You start introducing yourself by what you manage, your job,
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  your income, your stress level, your role, your family
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  struggles, your failures, your past.
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  And for a lot of men, identity slowly becomes tied to
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  responsibility. Not relationship with God.
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  Responsibility. See, that's important because
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  responsibility can become addictive.
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  People need you, people rely on you, people expect things from
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  you, and somewhere along the way, your value starts getting
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  tangled up in your ability to carry things.
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  So what happens when love turns into identity?
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  I think this especially happens in families because when
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  somebody you love is struggling, it affects you deeply.
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  If your child is hurting, you hurt.
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  If your spouse is struggling, you carry that weight too.
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  That is a part of love. But there's a difference between
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  loving somebody through their struggle and allowing their
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  struggle to become your identity.
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  And a lot of men quietly cross that line without realizing that
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  instead of my child is struggling right now, it becomes
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  I'm the father of a child who self harms.
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  Instead of my spouse is fighting an addiction, it becomes I'm the
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  husband of an alcoholic. And over time, that struggle
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  starts becoming the lens through which you see yourself, not just
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  them. You let that sit for a second
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  because there's compassion and carrying burdens with people,
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  but there's also danger in losing yourself inside of those
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  burdens. I think a lot of men do this
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  because we're wired to protect. We are wired to fix, to carry,
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  to stabilize things. And when someone we love is
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  hurting, we naturally move towards the responsibility.
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  What can I do? How do I help?
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  How do I stop this from getting worse?
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  And sometimes that instinct slowly becomes control, and
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  control slowly starts to become identity.
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  You start waking up every day emotionally centered around
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  somebody else's struggles. Their emotions shape your
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  emotions. Their stability determines your
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  peace. Their progress determines your
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  hope. And before long, you don't even
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  know where they end and you begin.
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  I think there's probably men listening right now who are
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  feeling exhausted, not because they don't love their family,
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  but because they've slowly started carrying things that God
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  never asked them to carry alone. They feel responsible for
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  everybody's emotional state, everybody's healing, everybody's
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  choices, everybody's future. And the pressure of that becomes
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  crushing, especially because most men don't talk about it.
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  They internalize it. And externally they keep
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  functioning. They go to work, they pay bills,
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  they show up, they keep moving, but internally they're drowning
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  under invisible weight. And that is the dangerous part
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  of all of this. Eventually, you stop knowing who
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  you are outside of crisis management.
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  You become so focused on surviving the season that you
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  lose connection with your own identity completely.
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  And if that situation improves, you feel relief, but you also
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  feel confusion because your identity became tied to the
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  struggle, and so you don't know who you are without it anymore.
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  And that happens more than people realize.
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  Some people become emotionally attached to being needed because
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  it's become the place that they find purpose, not peace,
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  purpose. I also think a lot of men tie
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  identity and to performance because performance feels
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  measurable. Income is measurable.
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  Success is measurable. Being needed feels measurable.
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  Identity in Christ feels quieter, less tangible
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  sometimes. And if we're not careful, we'll
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  drift towards the identities that the world rewards.
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  We'll drift towards things like provider, successful, strong,
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  reliable, those things in them, in and of them.
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  None of those things in and of themselves are bad, but they
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  become dangerous when they replace sonship.
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  Because if your identity is built on performance, what
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  happens when you fail? What happens when things start
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  falling apart? What happens when you lose the
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  job? What happens when your family
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  goes through something painful that you can't fix?
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  A performance based identity collapses the moment the
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  performance becomes impossible. One of the things I noticed in
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  Scripture as a God consistently speaks identity different than
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  we do. We define ourselves by what we
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  do, what we've survived, what we produce, what we manage.
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  But God speaks identity relationally.
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  He uses titles like son, daughter, beloved, chosen.
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  That is very different because relationship based identity
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  stays steady even when circumstances change.
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  Performance based identity doesn't.
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  And I think a lot of men genuinely believe in God while
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  still living emotionally as though their worth depends on
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  how well they hold things together.
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  Honestly, I think this is difficult for men because
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  sonship feels vulnerable. It requires trust.
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  It requires surrender. It requires admitting that your
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  value comes from who you belong to, not just what you
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  accomplish. And a lot of men has spent their
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  whole lives earning approval through performance, so the idea
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  that God calls you his son before you prove anything feels
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  almost uncomfortable. We'd rather achieve our way into
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  worthiness because achievement, it feels controllable.
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  Grace doesn't. I want to stay here for a minute
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  because I think it's important and it matters deeply if someone
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  you love is struggling. You are allowed to grieve that.
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  You are allowed to feel exhausted, to feel afraid, to
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  feel overwhelmed. Loving through pain effects you.
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  This episode is not about becoming emotionally detached.
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  It's about remembering that your struggle is not your identity.
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  You can love deeply without disappearing inside somebody
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  else's battle. That distinction matters because
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  some men are slowly dying emotionally, trying to save
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  everyone around them while forgetting that they're human to
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  see. There's a difference between
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  carrying burdens with people and trying to carry people in
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  entirely. One is love, the other
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  eventually becomes control, even if it comes from good
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  intentions. And control creates crushing
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  pressure because you start believing everything depends on
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  you. But some things only God can
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  heal. Some things only God can
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  restore. Some things are beyond your
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  ability to fix, no matter how deeply you care.
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  That realization can feel terrifying but also freeing.
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  I think a lot of men have moments where they suddenly
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  realize I don't know who I am anymore outside of
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  responsibility. That realization usually comes
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  quietly, maybe late at night, maybe during a burnout, maybe
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  during a hard season. You realize that your entire
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  emotional world revolves around survival, provision, stress, and
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  problem solving. And somewhere underneath all of
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  that, the man that God created you to be has gotten buried.
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  Not gone, just buried. I think a part of healing is
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  learning how to return to the identity that God gave you
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  before your life got heavy. Not ignoring reality, not
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  abandoning responsibility, but remembering you are not only
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  what you carry, what you provide, what your family
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  struggles with, what your past contains.
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  You are first and foremost a son of God.
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  And that changes the starting point.
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  Because sons don't have to earn identity, they live from it.
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  Practically, I think this means learning how to separate your
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  worth from outcomes. Your struggle.
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  Your child's struggle is not proof of you as a failed parent.
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  Your spouse's battle is not your identity.
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  Your different season is not your name.
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  Your difficult season is not your name.
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  You can love people fully with the law.
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  You can love people fully without allowing their struggle
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  to become the thing that defines your existence.
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  That takes place in turn. That takes place Internet.
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  Holy moly. That takes place intentionally
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  and honestly. It usually takes community too.
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  And honestly, it usually takes community too.
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  Because isolated men don't always drift towards
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  performance. Because isolated men almost
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  always drift back towards performance based identity.
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  I want to slow down here because I think some men listening to
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  this are carrying shame for things that they were never
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  meant to carry personally. They feel responsible for
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  everyone and when things go wrong they internalize it.
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  Not because they're weak, because they carry deeply, but
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  carrying deeply and carrying false responsibility are not the
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  same. Let that sit.
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  They are not the same thing. You can care for somebody
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  deeply, but you don't have to carry false responsibility.
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  So here's your action step this week.
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  I want you to pay attention to the way that you describe
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  yourself internally, not publicly, internally.
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  What labels come up first? Provider failure stressed.
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  The one holding everything together, the husband of, the
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  father of the son of. And then ask yourself this.
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  If all of those roles and struggles were stripped away
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  tomorrow, who would I be? Would I still know who I am in
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  Christ? And then rush, don't rush that
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  question. If all of those roles and
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  struggles were stripped away tomorrow, who would I be?
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  Would I still know who I am in Christ?
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  Don't rush that question. Just sit with it for a moment.
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  Because identity built on circumstances will always feel
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  unstable. But identity roots in sonship
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  can survive hard seasons. Thanks for joining me today on
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  Unmasked. If something in this episode
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  spoke to you, don't let it stop with you.
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  Share it with the one person that God put on your heart while
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  you were listening. You never know whose
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  breakthrough might start with just a simple message from you.
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  If you want more encouragement, you want to work with me
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  one-on-one, or you're interested in having me speak at your
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  church or event, you can find everything@wesleyfarnsworth.com.
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  Make sure you join the Unmasked community by connecting with me
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  on social media so that we can keep walking this journey
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  together. Until next time.
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  Remember that grace is greater than your past and real freedom,
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  true freedom, begins the moment that you choose to live
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  unmasked. God bless you.