Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep2: Parenting, Punchlines & Passports 🤣.

Transcript

S3 Ep2: Parenting, Punchlines & Passports 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_10: It's such a weird stereotype to have associated with your ethnicity.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_10: Right?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_10: That stereotype of like Asian parents wanting their kids to be doctors.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_10: It's like such a weird thing to have on your race.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_10: Like what is that?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_10: Is that good?
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_10: Is that bad?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_10: I thought it was like a good thing, apparently it's like worthy of mockery.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_10: Asian parents wanting their kids to be doctors.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_10: It's weird because it's true.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_10: Right?
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_10: I know it because my parents were the same way.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_10: They just wanted us to be doctors.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_10: It was like this obsession.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_10: They just wanted us to be doctors.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_10: And it's insidious as well.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_10: Because when Asian parents want their kids to be doctors, helping people is like on the bottom of the list of reasons.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_10: Oh.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_10: If it even makes the list of reasons to go into medicine, helping people is like the unfortunate byproduct of becoming a healthcare professional.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_10: It's like when they first see that, they can't even believe it.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_10: They're like, what the fuck?
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_10: You gotta help people.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_10: Or whatever, get it out of the way.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_10: Don't let it get in the way of what this is really about.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_10: It's about the money and the prestige, right?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_10: It's the money and the prestige.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_10: Because if you're a first-generation immigrant, your children becoming doctors is the quickest way.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_10: You can turn it around in one generation.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_10: Instant credibility, instant respectability, instant money.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_10: Right?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_10: You flip the Klan narrative around, boom, start from the bottom, now we're here, we doctors.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_10: And it's also weird because Asian parents are also the last group of people you can ever convince to see a doctor.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_10: These fucking people will never see a doctor.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_10: They spend their whole lives obsessing over it.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_10: Nothing can make my mom see a doctor.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_10: There's nothing.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_10: My mom got an arrow going right through her.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_10: And she try to pull it out like Rambo, right?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_10: And you're like, yo, mom, let's go see a doctor.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_10: And my mom will be like, no.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_10: They just want to take people's money.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_10: And you're like, then why do you want your kids to be doctors so badly?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_10: Because I want my kids to take other people's money, obviously.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_10: The fact that you don't understand that is the reason why you never became a doctor.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: I never had to worry about doing anything great with my life.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have like I didn't have that pressure.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have that Indian pressure that a lot of Indian kids have.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do something great.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: My parents knew I was an idiot.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: From a very young age, my parents are like, oh man.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Never had to worry about school.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I did because I was in it.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: But but my parents gave up.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: They gave up early.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: They they knew, you know, they would literally beg me and be like, son, please, just try and get 50.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's a pass.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just get 50.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not bragging and uh and nor am I glorifying this, but um this is an actual mark I got in in grade nine typing.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Typing, alright?
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It was 1984, don't judge me.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: There were no computers yet.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was actual typewriters.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um my typing, my final mark was 13%.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Even my dad was like, son.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Son, you've hit a new low.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: Do you realize you get twenty-five percent just for signing your name correctly?
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_01: What fucking name did you put?
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_07: Here's how bad my results were in Delhi Public School.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_07: My first PTM meeting, the teacher sat my parents down and she was like, Mister and Mrs.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_07: Dash issues I need to be.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_07: And then I realized she was talking to my parents really slowly.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_07: Because I think she just assumed the stupidity ran through my family.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_07: And the thing is, I'm not stupid, I'm just dyslexic.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_07: You guys know what dyslexia is?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_07: It's a reading-writing disorder, you jumble up letters.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_07: When I was in school, that shit didn't exist.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_07: Like if I went to my parents, mom, dad, I'm dyslexic, they'd be like, shut up, boys are not meant to be with boys.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_14: My father's side of the family is Pakistani, I'm half Muslim.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_14: Uh when I came out, they were super supportive, just like, cool man.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_14: That's a lie.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_14: That's not how bad.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_14: No.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_14: They kicked me straight out of the family.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_14: They were like, get out! But then, like a year went by, they missed me, they were like, get back in.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_14: Come on, you homeless and now I have this baby to brag about.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_14: So as soon as I found out my wife was pregnant, I went up to my most religious aunt, just holding the ultrasound.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_14: Because, you know, in gay currency and Muslim currency, a baby is fucking Bitcoin.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_14: I showed her this ultrasound and she was like, that is so beautiful.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_14: You will be such great parents.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_14: And I was like, oh my god.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_14: She was like, to be honest, I knew, I knew you were having a baby.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_14: I was like, that is so cool that we were vibing, and she was like, I knew the moment you walked in and I saw that barty.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_14: And I hugged that belly, and I was like, fuck you.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_14: That is so rude.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_14: I'm Sporty Spice.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_14: I will kick myself back out of this family.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_04: My dad is like a hardcore Eastern block dude.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_04: You know, he was a forklift mechanic his whole life.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_04: He eats sausage three meals a day.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_04: Hates feelings, loves speedos.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_04: That's my dad.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_04: And uh my father had a real love for our family dog, and as you know, dogs do, this one died, and he was reminiscing with me the other day about our family dog.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_04: He goes, uh, Krista.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_05: Ah, fuck, I love this dog.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_05: I mean, I come home from work, he's happy to see me.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_05: I go take a piece in the other room, he's following me.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_05: I have so much love for this dog.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_05: I have uh, what's the word?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_05: Unconditional love.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_05: I don't feel this way for anybody else.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, our son was learning how to walk.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_04: It was like the most awesome moment in a parent's life, right?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_04: Like, oh my god, my baby's walking.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_04: And uh my dad's there, and we're encouraging him.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_04: We're like, come on, baby, you can do it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_04: Come on, Ellis, you can do it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_04: Good job, good job, good job.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: My dad goes, ah shit, come on, come on, come on, come on.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: All this good job, good job, good job.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_05: How about at like the end of the day?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_05: One, good job.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_04: Because we're raising a Russian gymnast, you know, you gotta.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_08: My dad marries my mom.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_08: They come to the states they have me in Davis, California, but my mom, she has to go back to India to finish up med school.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_08: So the first eight years of my life, it was just me and my dad.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_08: It was just the two of us, just two brown dudes trying to make it in America, minus all the unconditional love.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_08: I gotta be real.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_08: Uh uh.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_08: You gotta be real.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_08: Brown love is very conditional.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_08: Like, you can't hear this in the photo, but he's like, you better get all A's.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_08: You can't hear that though.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_08: You know what I mean?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_08: Like, let's be real.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_08: And he's my age, he has a little kid, and I'm not making his life any easier.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_08: I'm like picking up soda on the aisles, I'm like, ah! He's like, Hasn't don't do that.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_08: I'm like, I'm a kid, I'm gonna live forever.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_08: And then I would trip on my Velcro shoes, and I would drop the soda on the aisle, and it would explode.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_08: And then my dad would do what most brown parents do to this day.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_08: He checked to see if the coast is clear.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_08: And he slapped the shit out of me.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_08: And I love it.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_08: Thank you.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_08: Thank you, Pockets, for acknowledging that.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_08: And for the liberal white guilt, look, immigrants aren't gonna hit their children the way you guys do.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_08: Americans hit their kids on the arm and bruise their body.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_08: Immigrants slap you across the face and bruise your soul.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_08: It's quantanimal of the mind.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_06: People don't understand when you grow up between two cultures of any kind, it's hard because you start realizing that certain things that you do that are considered, you know, like American are ridiculous to the other side of your family.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_06: Like I had to ask my mom for permission to go on spring break to go swim with the dolphins, right?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, hey mom, can I go swim with the dolphins?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_06: What's that?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_06: How much is that?
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_06: $200.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_06: Do you get to eat the fucking thing up there?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_06: No, go and then when your brothers are hungry, we'll show them a picture of you riding the dolphin and oh my god, she's exercising with her food.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_06: Okay.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna go bike riding with the tamales, I'll be running a bug.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_06: I tried asking her for an allowance one.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_06: She said, no, you get one.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_06: I allow you to live here for free, stuff.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_06: I allowance the lights, I allowance the food, all the allow.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_02: I need children to be there for me when I'm older, when I get as old as her.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: And when I say be there for me, I mean pay for me.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: When my husband isn't around to support me anymore.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'm not trying to be one of those old Chinese ladies who recycles for a living.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_02: That's not my destiny, okay?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: Old Chinese ladies, they don't give a fuck.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_02: They got no shame.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: They're like, I'm just gonna recycle, go bald, go to the park, do this shit.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_09: You know how many Louis Vuitton purses I bought my mom?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_09: So many! You know what she puts in it?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_09: Snacks! It's the most expensive lunchbox you'll ever see.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_09: And they're not even good snacks.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_09: All my friends, when I when I was a kid, man, they would go to the mom, mom, can I get a snack?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_09: And she pulled out delicious snacks out of her purse.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_09: Doritos, fun-sized Snickers.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_09: I run up to my mom.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_09: Her snacks were something she took from a restaurant.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_09: Run up to my mom, mom, can I get a snack?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_09: Oh, here's some oyster crackers.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_09: Oyster crackers are made to absorb soup.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_09: She wants me to eat this before I go to class.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_09: Put that in your stomach.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_09: Put it in my swallow it.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_09: Then she's gotta embarrass me.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_09: Then she's gotta put my lunch in a Tupperware container.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_09: That's how she embarrasses me.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_09: She always says, I'm going to put your lunch in a Tupperware container.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_09: And I cry more.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_09: Why?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_09: I don't want to go to school.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_09: Why not?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_09: Because I don't want to go to school with my lunch in one of your Tupperwares.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_09: Because that shit's embarrassing.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_09: If I send my son to school with a Tupperware container, he goes to school with a clear bowl, and it's got a blue lid, and it says Tupperware on the lid.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_09: My son would be proud to go to school with that shit.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_09: My mom's Tupperware.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_09: Usually an empty cool whip container.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_09: Country croc.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_09: One time she put it in an empty Neapolitan ice cream container.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_09: Had the red handle.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_09: She put my homework and my lunch.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_09: It looked like a fucking briefcase.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_12: Like, what the f one thing we don't do is we don't disrespect our parents.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_12: It's never been done.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_12: Or step parents, let me cover all the basis.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_12: You know, we don't talk back.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_12: See, I was in the airport, and this little kid said to his mom, I hate you.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_12: And everybody in the airport was like, oh.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_12: And then we looked, and the lady was crying, we're like, hey, what the fuck?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_12: Hey.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_11: Fuck his ass up.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_11: And then the fucking fingers came up.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_11: Jingasle.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_12: And she said, I've never hit him in his life.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_12: I said, All right, then, you get on the plane and we'll fuck him up.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_12: Because he's gonna get fucked up.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_12: Better he do it with some people that are flying with him.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_12: We didn't talk about one time.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_12: I told my grandmother when I was eight, I said, I hate you.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_12: And she must have had one in the chamber.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_12: She's like, You hate me?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_12: Mira cabron.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_12: I fucking hated you first.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_12: Come on, fucking get it out.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_12: Get it out.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_12: I can take it.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_12: Lay it out, be like.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_12: I hated you when you were born when you went to the hospital right there.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_12: When you were born, I went to the maternity.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_12: I said, Well, you want it, my grandson, the third one?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_12: Get it out.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_12: I hated you when they were fucking making you.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_11: In the house, I did hear you know what I said, fucking swallowing.