Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1089 - Am I The Only One Not Interested in Intimacy? [R]

Transcript

#1089 - Am I The Only One Not Interested in Intimacy? [R] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:04
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
0:07
Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
0:10
Speaker 2: once answers mew.
0:14
Speaker 1: Just before we dive into today's podcast, a quick content warning.
0:17
Speaker 1: Today we will be talking about all things intimacy. Well
0:19
Speaker 1: not all things, but a lot of things intimacy related.
0:22
Speaker 1: The content of today's podcast is not for children. It's
0:26
Speaker 1: for grownups. So if you've got the kids in the
0:29
Speaker 1: car or wherever you are, and you're listening, and you
0:31
Speaker 1: usually listen to this podcast together, this is your last
0:34
Speaker 1: chance to say, hang on, kids, this one's not for you,
0:37
Speaker 1: because this one's just for the grown ups. I'm a
0:40
Speaker 1: little bit nervous about this one, Kylie. Can I tell
0:41
Speaker 1: you why? Because our son in law and our daughter
0:45
Speaker 1: might be listening if they listen to the podcast, and
0:49
Speaker 1: I know what we're going to be talking about today,
0:51
Speaker 1: all right, so let's dive into it. The content warning
0:52
Speaker 1: is taken care of. The question came through two podcasts
0:56
Speaker 1: at Happy Families dot com dot au. They said, is
0:59
Speaker 1: it just me? Or am I the only one who
1:00
Speaker 1: has zero interest in being intimate with my partner?
1:03
Speaker 3: Is it just me?
1:04
Speaker 1: Or are other people feeling the same way?
1:07
Speaker 2: I remember, not long after we'd had baby number three.
1:11
Speaker 1: Just be careful with what you say here. I'm really
1:12
Speaker 1: nervous about whether it's going to go.
1:14
Speaker 2: Walking into the doctor's offers and said, I don't think
1:18
Speaker 2: I care if I ever have sex again.
1:21
Speaker 1: I'm glad that changed clearly. We had three more kids,
1:23
Speaker 1: so it did.
1:25
Speaker 2: I said, there must be something wrong with me. He
1:27
Speaker 2: didn't even take it up. We didn't even have a
1:29
Speaker 2: conversation about it.
1:31
Speaker 1: Just move on next thing. So a quick experience that
1:35
Speaker 1: I had I was running a presentation in Sydney many
1:38
Speaker 1: years ago. I was at a private girls school talking
1:40
Speaker 1: to a group of well being staff. We were doing
1:43
Speaker 1: a well being session and I was talking about some
1:45
Speaker 1: science that shows that when you are mindful and thinking
1:48
Speaker 1: about what you're doing, your happiness levels are higher. When
1:51
Speaker 1: you're not mindful, that is, when you're thinking about something
1:54
Speaker 1: other than what you're doing, your happiness levels, your well
1:56
Speaker 1: being levels are lower. There was a research paper that
1:59
Speaker 1: was published in highly prestigious journal Nature, and the number
2:03
Speaker 1: one thing, the number one thing on the list highlighting
2:05
Speaker 1: what people are doing and thinking about it at the
2:07
Speaker 1: same time, so therefore they're feeling happy, was and then
2:10
Speaker 1: I stopped and looked at the group of people in
2:12
Speaker 1: front of me and said, well, what do you think
2:13
Speaker 1: the answer is. I listened to this half a dozen
2:17
Speaker 1: or this dozen strong group of women as they came
2:20
Speaker 1: up with every answer they possibly could, trying to work
2:24
Speaker 1: out what it is that you do and think about
2:26
Speaker 1: it while you're doing the same things. Like eating, I'm like, no,
2:28
Speaker 1: people don't think about what they're eating. They just put
2:30
Speaker 1: food in their face. Exercising like, no, people often think
2:34
Speaker 1: about anything except the exercise because it hurts. They kept
2:36
Speaker 1: on coming up with somebody said sleeping. I'm like, nobody's
2:39
Speaker 1: thinking about anything when they're sleeping.
2:40
Speaker 3: Come on.
2:41
Speaker 1: The one thing they wouldn't say was sex. They wouldn't
2:43
Speaker 1: say intimacy. And when I finally told them that was
2:45
Speaker 1: the answer that was top of the list, most of
2:48
Speaker 1: them scoffed. They did the full on the guff or
2:50
Speaker 1: the kind of thing like they just couldn't imagine that
2:54
Speaker 1: that was really the number one thing, but it was.
2:57
Speaker 1: So we've asked the question on faceboo book is it
3:00
Speaker 1: just me? Or am I the only one who has
3:03
Speaker 1: zero interest in being intimate with my partner? So we
3:06
Speaker 1: asked the question on Facebook. We have used some voice
3:10
Speaker 1: actors for some of the responses, and some of you
3:12
Speaker 1: sent us your voice memos via the very easy to
3:16
Speaker 1: use button at Happy Families dot com dot au. You
3:20
Speaker 1: just go to the podcast page, click the button, and
3:22
Speaker 1: start talking.
3:23
Speaker 2: I loved Vanessa's response, she said.
3:25
Speaker 1: Maybe hit weeds, but I can't relate to this at all.
3:28
Speaker 2: And a follow on from that was from Apollonias. She said,
3:31
Speaker 2: my husband just has to look at me and I
3:33
Speaker 2: want to jump his bones, So I can't relate five
3:35
Speaker 2: kids aging from fifteen years to fifteen months and we
3:38
Speaker 2: run a business full time.
3:39
Speaker 1: What a great response, any bone jumping going, Let's not
3:42
Speaker 1: go there. Danil was talking about the difficulty of finding
3:45
Speaker 1: time for intimacy when you've got teenagers. Can so relate
3:49
Speaker 1: right like once the kids start staying up later than you,
3:52
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, so frustrating. She was mentioning how difficult
3:55
Speaker 1: it was, and the Happy Families team jumped in and said,
3:58
Speaker 1: I reckon a solid could you leave us alone? Your
4:00
Speaker 1: father and I trying to have sex should make the scene.
4:03
Speaker 3: Scarce for a while.
4:06
Speaker 1: Love the Happy Family's team and their sense of humor.
4:10
Speaker 2: I have a close friend who actually tells her children.
4:14
Speaker 2: Sunday is sex day, so leave us alone.
4:18
Speaker 1: I don't know if I've heard that story. I'm not
4:20
Speaker 1: sure how I feel about it. I guess if it
4:22
Speaker 1: gets anyway, let's move on. Lindida from the UK said
4:27
Speaker 1: this is a real thing and it could be for
4:29
Speaker 1: the following reasons. Number one, we just went through a
4:31
Speaker 1: pandemic and we're fearing World War III, so there's just
4:34
Speaker 1: the whole there's a bit of stuff going on. Number two, Also,
4:37
Speaker 1: there are global economic crises which have increased inflation and
4:40
Speaker 1: created more stressing couples. So I think that's more likely
4:43
Speaker 1: than the first one, just the stress in couples. Number
4:46
Speaker 1: three pornography addiction for some men, which creates contempt and
4:49
Speaker 1: resentment from their wives for having to have them as
4:52
Speaker 1: their partner. Received a number of private emails. People just
4:56
Speaker 1: emailed this podcast at Happy Families dot com dot au,
4:59
Speaker 1: emphasizing how big of an issue explicit content online is.
5:04
Speaker 1: Number four. Screen addiction, which creates mental overload on top
5:07
Speaker 1: of the most overloaded generation. Now, I would add to
5:09
Speaker 1: what Lindida has said here just being on your phone,
5:12
Speaker 1: because when you're on your phone, you're kind of sending
5:14
Speaker 1: this signal to everybody else that the phone's more important
5:17
Speaker 1: and therefore you're not willing to engage with them. That
5:20
Speaker 1: is an intimacy killer. I had it when I come
5:23
Speaker 1: into the bedroom and you're on the phone, and I
5:25
Speaker 1: know you feel the same way when you walk into
5:26
Speaker 1: the room and I'm on my device. Whereas when that
5:29
Speaker 1: phone is down and you have eye contact and you
5:31
Speaker 1: look at each other and smile and say, how about it.
5:34
Speaker 1: There's just something different right. Number five raising children without
5:38
Speaker 1: a village, which is a deviation from how humans were
5:41
Speaker 1: raised in the past. Number six. All of the can
5:44
Speaker 1: impact mental health, and there was a whole lot more
5:47
Speaker 1: that Lindia, from the UK through and there. I think
5:50
Speaker 1: that all reasonable, some of them much more than others.
5:55
Speaker 1: It's tough when there's so much going on that takes
5:58
Speaker 1: up your cognitive headspace and doesn't allow you to step
6:01
Speaker 1: into the intimate zone.
6:03
Speaker 2: Eliza said, I feel like a lot of women need
6:05
Speaker 2: to be wooed in order to feel in the mood
6:07
Speaker 2: for intimacy. There are so many things on our to
6:10
Speaker 2: do list and we struggle to compartmentalize. If there are
6:13
Speaker 2: things to do on the list, then I can imagine
6:16
Speaker 2: some may struggle to start another task or to relax
6:18
Speaker 2: to enjoy time together. If my list is done, my
6:21
Speaker 2: mind is quiet, and it's easier to relax and enjoy intimacy.
6:25
Speaker 2: If hubby contributes to my to do list, it's even
6:28
Speaker 2: easier to relax and enjoy that intimacy.
6:30
Speaker 1: There is something about that, isn't there? I hear it
6:32
Speaker 1: all the time. Notice the responses that we've had have
6:36
Speaker 1: one hundred percent all been from women. There are only
6:39
Speaker 1: two men who jumped on. Both of them, well, both
6:43
Speaker 1: of them didn't do the best job in what they said,
6:47
Speaker 1: and one guy in particular really created a bit of
6:50
Speaker 1: a storm. His name was Jace Jays. Jumped in there
6:53
Speaker 1: and said.
6:53
Speaker 3: Well, reading a lot of the comments from women that
6:56
Speaker 3: complain about houseworks, stress, being tired, the not being a
7:01
Speaker 3: mind read, et cetera, et cetera, it's all these cop outs.
7:04
Speaker 3: Start looking for the reasons why it should be happening,
7:07
Speaker 3: not justifying the reason. It's not look after him, ladies,
7:10
Speaker 3: or you'll kill your marriage. It's that simple.
7:13
Speaker 2: Ouch, I can see why that wasn't necessarily the most
7:17
Speaker 2: popular response. And our last one I wanted to share
7:20
Speaker 2: is actually from Kylie. She said, oh, boy, can definitely relate.
7:24
Speaker 2: Menopause has finished off my already struggling libido.
7:28
Speaker 1: Did you just say, Kylie? I hadn't know it's not
7:30
Speaker 1: you because I'm not gonna say anything about menopause yet.
7:33
Speaker 1: But you're not there yet.
7:34
Speaker 3: Go ahead.
7:34
Speaker 2: My husband is pretty understanding. But it's something else to
7:37
Speaker 2: feel guilty about, because physical intimacy just feels like something
7:41
Speaker 2: else on my to do list nowadays. I miss the
7:44
Speaker 2: old me, and I hope I come back at some stage.
7:47
Speaker 1: Poor boy. So many many comments that we haven't read
7:57
Speaker 1: really talked about the cognitive load, the fact that women
8:00
Speaker 1: are very, very tired doing so much around the house
8:03
Speaker 1: and often feel like they have to be the mother
8:06
Speaker 1: not only to their children but also to their husband.
8:09
Speaker 1: And when they move into the bedroom, they don't want
8:11
Speaker 1: to continue to feel like their mum. They want to
8:14
Speaker 1: feel like something else. But quite often they're so tired
8:17
Speaker 1: that they just their head hits the pillow and it's
8:19
Speaker 1: all over. Lots of conversations around perimenopause, menopause, and just
8:25
Speaker 1: so much to do, sheer exhaustion getting in the way.
8:29
Speaker 1: We are not sex therapists, but we have some ideas
8:33
Speaker 1: that we think might be helpful if you're worried that
8:36
Speaker 1: it is just you and that you're not getting enough noggi,
8:38
Speaker 1: you're not getting enough of the good stuff in the bedroom.
8:41
Speaker 1: Let's dive into it.
8:43
Speaker 2: According to Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are.
8:46
Speaker 1: One of your favorite books in history, it's a good book. Hey,
8:50
Speaker 1: I like it as well. You've got me reading it,
8:52
Speaker 1: and I mean I already knew it all. I knew
8:55
Speaker 1: it all to.
8:55
Speaker 2: Turn science taught justin that there are three essential characteristics
9:00
Speaker 2: of couples who sustain a connection over the long term,
9:03
Speaker 2: and none of them were the characteristics you might have guessed.
9:06
Speaker 1: Interestingly, not really about a cognitive load, certainly not about
9:10
Speaker 1: global warming or World War three or any of that
9:12
Speaker 1: sort of stuff. The three characteristics are number one. If
9:15
Speaker 1: you want to sustain a strong sexual connection, you've got to.
9:18
Speaker 3: Like each other. Like no.
9:21
Speaker 1: I know that sounds really obvious, but you've you've got
9:25
Speaker 1: to look at that person and think you really mattered
9:27
Speaker 1: to me. I want to prioritize you and trust you.
9:30
Speaker 1: I admire you. You're the kind of person that I
9:33
Speaker 1: would like to share this intimate experience with.
9:35
Speaker 2: So I'm going to go a little bit further. The
9:38
Speaker 2: girls were asking me the other day to kind of
9:40
Speaker 2: just retell our story how.
9:41
Speaker 1: We met, and all the girls has in our daughters.
9:44
Speaker 2: Yeah, And as I was talking to them, I shared
9:49
Speaker 2: with them how it felt the day we got married.
9:52
Speaker 2: I remember waking up that morning and just being so excited.
9:58
Speaker 2: There was no anxiety, there was no no concern about
10:01
Speaker 2: whether I was making the right choice or not. I
10:02
Speaker 2: was just so excited that today I was going to
10:06
Speaker 2: be making a commitment to spend the rest of my
10:09
Speaker 2: life with my very best friend yea. And over the years,
10:13
Speaker 2: we've both shared that we had that exact same feeling.
10:16
Speaker 1: I had that conversation with my best man as we
10:18
Speaker 1: were driving to the wedding venue.
10:21
Speaker 2: And I think for anyone who chooses to spend a
10:24
Speaker 2: lifetime with someone, we've had those experiences. We've had that
10:28
Speaker 2: feeling of wanting to spend a lifetime together, but the
10:32
Speaker 2: next step is actually choosing them every single day.
10:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, And just on that, I can't tell you how
10:40
Speaker 1: many people that I've spoken to who just have this
10:42
Speaker 1: sort of simmering underbelly of resentment towards their spouse or partner.
10:46
Speaker 1: They feel like they're taken for granted. They feel like
10:48
Speaker 1: they do the line's share of the work, they carry
10:51
Speaker 1: the majority of the load. They do this, they do that,
10:53
Speaker 1: and the other person never does this or never does that.
10:55
Speaker 1: There's sort of like this white anting of the relationship.
10:58
Speaker 1: You have to love each other, like really really want
11:01
Speaker 1: to be with each other. That friendship, the quality of
11:04
Speaker 1: the relationship, the trust, the admiration, the feelings of we're
11:09
Speaker 1: better when we're together, those kinds of feelings have got
11:12
Speaker 1: to come first. You're not going to prioritize any kind
11:14
Speaker 1: of intimacy if you don't feel that way about each other.
11:17
Speaker 1: So if you're listening to this podcast and you don't
11:20
Speaker 1: feel like that, it's time to do some work on
11:22
Speaker 1: the relationship. It's time to rebuild the connection. Connection means
11:25
Speaker 1: feelings seen, hurt and valued. So find ways that you
11:27
Speaker 1: can see and hear and value each other again and
11:29
Speaker 1: get that get that going, because oh my goodness, it's
11:32
Speaker 1: so good when you do.
11:33
Speaker 2: It's not one person's job. It's not your husband's job,
11:37
Speaker 2: it's not your partner's job. We both have to take
11:40
Speaker 2: responsibility for that connection.
11:41
Speaker 1: Okay, here's the second thing. In addition to liking each
11:44
Speaker 1: other and being friends. The couples who sustain strong sexual
11:47
Speaker 1: connections prioritize sex like they actually decide that it matters
11:52
Speaker 1: for their relationship, and they find opportunities to have that
11:56
Speaker 1: physical intimacy together. It might not always be in a course,
12:00
Speaker 1: it might be any number of other forms of physical
12:02
Speaker 1: closeness and intimacy, but they absolutely prioritize it. They make
12:07
Speaker 1: sure that they make time to get it on.
12:13
Speaker 2: I think about the enormity of the task of being
12:18
Speaker 2: a parent.
12:18
Speaker 1: You're going to say, and the enormity is something else
12:20
Speaker 1: for a second, and.
12:21
Speaker 2: How much effort we go to to be the very
12:25
Speaker 2: best we can for our children. And yet in a
12:28
Speaker 2: handful of years, your children are going to leave the
12:31
Speaker 2: nest and you're going to be stuck with the other
12:35
Speaker 2: person that's left in the house.
12:37
Speaker 1: I remember hue Lewis used to sing, I'm happy to
12:39
Speaker 1: be stuck with you, and I mean, I just I
12:42
Speaker 1: can't think of anything better than being stuck with you.
12:44
Speaker 1: That would be my dream, that's my ultimate fantasy. Anyway,
12:47
Speaker 1: carry on. But it's the prioritization, right, the prioritization of
12:51
Speaker 1: the intimacy in the relationship.
12:52
Speaker 2: Well, and I think when you kind of do an
12:54
Speaker 2: inventory of your life and your relationships. Where are you
12:58
Speaker 2: putting most of the energy. Is it into your children
13:01
Speaker 2: and building those relationships to the detriment of your marriage
13:06
Speaker 2: or relationship, or are you finding avenues to actually give
13:11
Speaker 2: priority to your partner.
13:13
Speaker 1: Okay, here's the third one. Instead of accepting other people's
13:16
Speaker 1: opinions about how they're supposed to do sex and their partnership,
13:20
Speaker 1: the people who have genuinely strong sexual connection prioritize what's
13:25
Speaker 1: genuinely true for them and what works in their unique relationship.
13:28
Speaker 1: So they're not looking at the articles on news dot
13:30
Speaker 1: com dot au that tell you how many times the
13:32
Speaker 1: average person does this or does that, or it's just
13:36
Speaker 1: not relevant. What you focused on is what works in
13:39
Speaker 1: your relationship, and.
13:40
Speaker 2: That means being able to have open dialogue and communication
13:44
Speaker 2: with each other.
13:44
Speaker 3: Yeah.
13:45
Speaker 1: Yes, that's where the healthy conversation comes in. Now, we
13:48
Speaker 1: also need to acknowledge sometimes you're not interested and it's
13:53
Speaker 1: got nothing to do with you or your partner. This
13:56
Speaker 1: could be a medical issue, or it could be a
13:58
Speaker 1: psychological issue, so it's important that you go and get help.
14:01
Speaker 1: If that's the case. We're out of time, So there
14:04
Speaker 1: are two other things that I've learned from that book
14:07
Speaker 1: Comes You Up by Emily Dagoski. I want to share
14:09
Speaker 1: them and any men who are listening, this is especially
14:11
Speaker 1: for you. Number one, you need to understand the difference
14:15
Speaker 1: between responsive desire and spontaneous desire. Most men tend to
14:19
Speaker 1: be spontaneously desirous. That they see something that they like
14:23
Speaker 1: and they become desirous of that thing.
14:26
Speaker 2: And as a society, we have been, i want to say,
14:30
Speaker 2: brainwashed to think that spontaneous desire is the only way
14:34
Speaker 2: to have a fulfilling, loving relationship.
14:37
Speaker 1: Right because that's the whole Hollywood trope, and it's also
14:40
Speaker 1: completely what pornography is about as well. There's something else, though,
14:44
Speaker 1: that's called responsive desire, and that's the desire that builds
14:47
Speaker 1: over time when you feel seen, hurt and valued, when
14:49
Speaker 1: you feel like somebody cares about you, they're trying to
14:51
Speaker 1: build trust with you. That responsive desire is the thing
14:54
Speaker 1: where maybe right now I'm not feeling like it, but
14:58
Speaker 1: in ten or fifteen or twenty minutes or thirty minutes
15:00
Speaker 1: of cuddling and talking and feeling loved, I might start
15:05
Speaker 1: to feel like it. My body or my psyche starts
15:07
Speaker 1: to respond. Difference between responsiveness and spontaneity when it comes
15:12
Speaker 1: to desire is huge. The other thing that I think
15:14
Speaker 1: is critically important here is men are ready to go
15:18
Speaker 1: in I don't know, anywhere between ten seconds and two minutes,
15:21
Speaker 1: whereas for women, there's some pretty strong evidence that indicates
15:27
Speaker 1: a good forty minutes minimum to get things warmed up
15:30
Speaker 1: and humming so that we can have a high level
15:33
Speaker 1: of a highly pleasurable experience. So men, don't rush it,
15:37
Speaker 1: don't rush it at all. The second point that I
15:40
Speaker 1: want to make is that you've got to emphasize female pleasure.
15:42
Speaker 1: It's not about you. And if you emphasize female pleasure,
15:48
Speaker 1: you are going to have a good time guaranteed. Like
15:51
Speaker 1: you're going to have a good time anyway. But if
15:53
Speaker 1: you emphasize female pleasure, then your partner, your wife is
15:56
Speaker 1: going to have a great time, which means that you're
15:58
Speaker 1: guaranteed to have a good time because you'll be glad
16:01
Speaker 1: that she had a good time, which makes your time
16:02
Speaker 1: even better. Is what I'm trying to say. So I
16:05
Speaker 1: don't want to have a share, but I'm just going
16:07
Speaker 1: to say this. I have two rules when it comes
16:09
Speaker 1: to our relationship. And the opportunity that we have to
16:11
Speaker 1: be together when the kids aren't banging on the.
16:14
Speaker 3: Door or whatever it is.
16:15
Speaker 1: Rule number one, slow things down. And rule number two
16:18
Speaker 1: it's not about me. And I've found that those two
16:21
Speaker 1: rules have served I was going to say me served us. Well,
16:25
Speaker 1: you're just looking at me and blushing right now. Should
16:27
Speaker 1: I have not shared that.
16:29
Speaker 2: I only have one rule?
16:30
Speaker 3: Right?
16:31
Speaker 2: Let's be in the moment.
16:33
Speaker 3: What a great rule, What a great rule.
16:36
Speaker 1: We hope that this has been a compelling podcast for you.
16:39
Speaker 1: We hope that it's given you a few ideas to
16:42
Speaker 1: reinvigorate your love life and hopefully make your family happier.
16:46
Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Justin Ruland from Bridge Media, who
16:49
Speaker 1: is our podcast producer. For more information about making your
16:51
Speaker 1: family happier, visit happy families dot com dot a