Latest / High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm / Out of the Weeds: You’re Playing a Bigger Game

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Out of the Weeds: You’re Playing a Bigger Game · High Level Wife Podcast with Chelsey Holm

0:34
SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the High Level Wife Podcast.
0:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm Chelsea Holm, your hostess, and here we do Marriage Godsway.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: We are women who are tender, tenacious, and taking back territory that the enemy has stolen.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: And today I want to help you get out of the weeds and understand that you're actually playing a bigger game here.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: I want to paint this picture for you.
0:55
SPEAKER_00: And this came from I had a one-on-one session with a client today, and we were talking about like patterns, hurtful patterns, and how we need to disrupt them.
1:03
SPEAKER_00: And um just giving her this picture of low-level offense in the weeds versus like the big picture game, right?
1:14
SPEAKER_00: And so I challenged her.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: I said, I want to pull it back for you, right?
1:16
SPEAKER_00: And so I want to pull it back for you today, too.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: Imagine standing in the middle of a massive field, but you're crouched down, staring at one patch of weeds, you're studying them, counting them, talking about them, right?
1:28
SPEAKER_00: Probably complaining to people around you about them, trying to understand exactly why they're there.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: The truth is a bird probably pooped and dropped it.
1:36
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but that's beside the point.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: And eventually, though, you've forgotten that there's an entire field.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: And I think that this happens in marriage, is that we get so close.
1:45
SPEAKER_00: I've done past episodes about this, like this pixelated version of our life, right?
1:49
SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're like nose touching your TV.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: All you see are little pixels, right?
1:54
SPEAKER_00: Like you can't actually see the image there.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: But when you step back away from the TV, you zoom out, you see the big picture, right?
2:01
SPEAKER_00: So in marriage, we get so close to the offense or the thing he said, or the thing he didn't do, or the thing he did, or the recurring pattern, or you know, unmet expectations, or heck, the argument from Tuesday that you've had for decades, okay?
2:15
SPEAKER_00: We lose sight of what marriage is actually for.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: And that is low-level thinking.
2:21
SPEAKER_00: Low-level thinking asks who was right, who started it, why does he always do this?
2:26
SPEAKER_00: Why hasn't he changed?
2:27
SPEAKER_00: Is this fair?
2:28
SPEAKER_00: Am I getting what I need?
2:30
SPEAKER_00: Why should I go first?
2:31
SPEAKER_00: And again, okay, these weeds can be very real.
2:35
SPEAKER_00: Hurt matters, sin matters, patterns matter, repair matters.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: We're not pretending the weeds aren't there, but there's a difference between dealing with a weed and building your life around studying weeds.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: You can become so obsessed with fixing what's wrong in your marriage that you completely forget what your marriage is for.
2:58
SPEAKER_00: Okay, culture keeps us in these weeds.
3:01
SPEAKER_00: So think about the world's definition of a successful marriage, right?
3:03
SPEAKER_00: Am I happy?
3:04
SPEAKER_00: Am I fulfilled?
3:05
SPEAKER_00: Are my needs being met?
3:06
SPEAKER_00: Do I feel seen?
3:07
SPEAKER_00: Is my spouse behaving the way I think a good spouse should?
3:10
SPEAKER_00: It's almost entirely focused inward.
3:13
SPEAKER_00: It's measuring the marriage by my experience of the marriage.
3:17
SPEAKER_00: So every offense becomes enormously important, every disappointment becomes more evidence.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: Every unmet expectation gets added to the case.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: And eventually marriage becomes one giant evaluation.
3:32
SPEAKER_00: How is this relationship performing for me?
3:37
SPEAKER_00: Right?
3:37
SPEAKER_00: The solutions for fixing your marriage, according to the world and culture, are also extremely low level, right?
3:43
SPEAKER_00: Go on more date nights, have more sex, communicate better, right?
3:47
SPEAKER_00: None of those actually get to the root problem.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: But high-level thinking zooms out.
3:53
SPEAKER_00: So now we're gonna take a step back, we're gonna climb up, we're gonna look at the whole field, we're gonna go back to God's purpose.
4:01
SPEAKER_00: Genesis 1 tells us that we're image bearers, fruitful, multiply, fill, subdue.
4:07
SPEAKER_00: Genesis 2 calls us as women, helper, covenant, one flesh.
4:11
SPEAKER_00: Ephesians 5 points marriage to Christ and his church.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: Matthew 28, make disciples, right?
4:20
SPEAKER_00: And suddenly we're playing a much bigger game because our purpose here as believers, as followers of Jesus, is to love God, love others, to make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and training them up in righteousness.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: Marriage isn't two people staring endlessly at each other.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: That makes me laugh because I've been taking my oldest son to the chiropractor with me because he's in football and you know, wouldn't you know it, getting hit that hard kind of jacks up your uh alignment, right?
4:57
SPEAKER_00: But part like part of our end to help like everything settle into place is we get on the the vibrating plates.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: And so the first time my son and I like ahead of like we were staring at each other because I was kind of like walking him through what it was and whatever.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: And so then today when we went, um, I was like, Well, we can probably face the wall today if you want.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: And he was like, Oh, you don't want to stare longingly into each other's eyes.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, uh, sure, if you want to, we can.
5:23
SPEAKER_00: He was like, nah, let's stare at the wall.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: I was like, okay, that's what I thought.
5:26
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so marriage isn't two people staring endlessly at each other, it's two people becoming one under God.
5:32
SPEAKER_00: What God has joined together, let no man separate and turning outward together toward his mission, right?
5:40
SPEAKER_00: The culture screams for marriage of how are you serving me?
5:45
SPEAKER_00: Christ says the opposite.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: I came not to be served, but to serve.
5:52
SPEAKER_00: And oneness creates forward motion.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: So, this is the picture that I want you to see that it's a husband and a wife standing side by side.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: They're not facing each other endlessly asking, Are you meeting my needs?
6:02
SPEAKER_00: Am I meeting your needs?
6:03
SPEAKER_00: Are you making me happy?
6:04
SPEAKER_00: Am I making you happy?
6:06
SPEAKER_00: Are you doing your part?
6:07
SPEAKER_00: Am I doing my part?
6:08
SPEAKER_00: But it's shoulder to shoulder saying, and it's actually even deeper and more profound than shoulder to shoulder because it's two become one flesh.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: So it's as if they're they're like joined together into this one powerful player.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: So it's that one powerful player asking, where is God taking us?
6:26
SPEAKER_00: Right?
6:27
SPEAKER_00: What are we building?
6:28
SPEAKER_00: Who are we discipling?
6:29
SPEAKER_00: How are we raising these children?
6:31
SPEAKER_00: Are we raising them according to the world standards and culture?
6:35
SPEAKER_00: Are we raising them according to God's?
6:38
SPEAKER_00: Who can we serve?
6:40
SPEAKER_00: What has God entrusted to us?
6:42
SPEAKER_00: What territory are we supposed to take?
6:46
SPEAKER_00: What kingdom work can happen because these two people became one?
6:50
SPEAKER_00: And that is high-level thinking.
6:53
SPEAKER_00: Your marriage is not about you, but you got to get your marriage out of the way, functioning as it should, as God designed it to, so that we can build his kingdom.
7:05
SPEAKER_00: So let's think about Nehemiah for a second, okay?
7:07
SPEAKER_00: Nehemiah 4.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: And I love this picture for the episode because God's people are rebuilding the wall.
7:12
SPEAKER_00: And there's opposition, there's threats, there's distraction and fear.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
7:17
SPEAKER_00: Like this is where if you've ever heard the enemy's four tactics, um, which if I can remember right now, it's to discourage, to distract, to uh what is it, disc to deceive and to destroy.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: Though rarely does he actually actually have to destroy because he just needs an in that we give to him, and then we are all too happy to destroy ourselves, okay?
7:42
SPEAKER_00: But he all these things were going on, but they didn't pretend that the enemy wasn't there.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: They deal with it, right?
7:48
SPEAKER_00: They keep building.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: Nehemiah 4.17 gives this incredible picture: one hand doing the work, the other holding the weapon.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, that is marriage, my friend.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: But unfortunately, when we're staring at each other and we're holding one hand of our spouse, and we have a weapon in the other hand aimed at them.
8:12
SPEAKER_00: Tell me, how how good is your intimacy gonna be?
8:15
SPEAKER_00: How great is your connection gonna be?
8:17
SPEAKER_00: How how well are you gonna move in the same direction, right?
8:20
SPEAKER_00: You want to move away from each other.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: I I've never had someone point a weapon at me, but I I mean I've had kids per point nerf guns at me, and I definitely want to move away, right?
8:28
SPEAKER_00: I want them to move away.
8:30
SPEAKER_00: So you see we deal with what needs to be dealt with, we fight what actually needs to be fought, but we keep building.
8:40
unknown: Right?
8:41
SPEAKER_00: We don't let our marriage distract us and get in the way.
8:44
SPEAKER_00: We let it propel us forward to do kingdom work, multiply.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: So don't spend 20 years staring at the weeds while the wall remains unfinished.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: Right?
8:56
SPEAKER_00: It reminds me of Haggai when they're when God's like, you've been building your own houses, right?
9:02
SPEAKER_00: You've been making all this money and putting it in bags with holes.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: It's time to come build my house, right?
9:08
SPEAKER_00: It's time to come do work that is not going to pay you into bags with holes.
9:16
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but some couples, I would say most couples have stopped building, or most couples haven't even started building the first place because they don't even know, right?
9:25
SPEAKER_00: They're still married, but they've stopped moving.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: Every conversation circles back to old offenses, old disappointments, old receipts, old patterns.
9:33
SPEAKER_00: Sure, they're maintaining the relationship, but they've lost the mission, or they've never had the mission in the first place, right?
9:41
SPEAKER_00: Because once all of the highs ran out, right?
9:45
SPEAKER_00: The feelings and in love ran out, like what?
9:51
SPEAKER_00: Right?
9:51
SPEAKER_00: But without mission, every little marriage problem starts feeling enormous, right?
9:56
SPEAKER_00: Because now marriage has become this big thing when really it's a vehicle, right?
10:04
SPEAKER_00: It it propels us.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Because what's happened is marriage itself has become the entire field of vision.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: But Paul gives us forward motion language in Philippians 3:13 through 14.
10:21
SPEAKER_00: It says forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.
10:25
SPEAKER_00: I press on toward the goal here.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: Paul has direction and mission and forward movement.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean pretending yesterday didn't happen, right?
10:35
SPEAKER_00: But we also have to throw off every hindrance and sin that so easily entangles us, right?
10:45
SPEAKER_00: Biblical forgiveness isn't denial.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: Repair what needs repaired, repent where repentance is needed, learn from the pattern, disrupt the pattern, create a new pattern, and then move.
11:01
SPEAKER_00: Right?
11:02
SPEAKER_00: Our Western Christianity has watered down the gospel to be void of action.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: It's just about not sinning, but it's completely missed the point of the action required to strive for pleasing the Lord, right?
11:21
SPEAKER_00: Because we come from receiving the gift of grace, right?
11:24
SPEAKER_00: It's a gift so that none can boast of God, right?
11:27
SPEAKER_00: Like we can't save ourselves, we were dead, he made us alive.
11:30
SPEAKER_00: A dead person cannot resuscitate themselves, okay?
11:33
SPEAKER_00: God did that, that was his eternal purpose being carried out.
11:36
SPEAKER_00: But now that we have received that grace and forgiveness, right?
11:41
SPEAKER_00: Now we stand in Christ's righteousness.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Action is required, right?
11:48
SPEAKER_00: What did Jesus say that his disciples must be?
11:50
SPEAKER_00: They must do is to deny themselves, take up their cross and follow him.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Those are three actions.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: Deny yourself, take up your cross and follow him.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: Action.
12:00
SPEAKER_00: So church, Christian church in the Western world, wake up.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: You guys are living a lukewarm Christianity that says if I go to church on Sundays, I'm good.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: Right?
12:11
SPEAKER_00: If I pray over mealtimes, I'm good.
12:14
SPEAKER_00: No, you're not.
12:15
SPEAKER_00: Okay, no, you're not.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: More is required of you.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: Okay, high-level thinking doesn't say this doesn't matter.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: It says this matters because we have somewhere to go, and that's completely different.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: We need to deal with this resentment because we have work to do.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: We need to repair this because oneness matters, right?
12:31
SPEAKER_00: Like we're in the car and all the wheels need or the tires need to be replaced.
12:35
SPEAKER_00: We're not going anywhere.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: We need to replace those tires.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: We got to get out of that car.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: We got to assess the damage, and we got to make the repairs.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: Okay?
12:44
SPEAKER_00: We need to forgive because bitterness is slowing us down.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: We need to communicate because we're trying to pull together, right?
12:52
SPEAKER_00: It's not us trying, right?
12:53
SPEAKER_00: It's it's us literally pulling together because of the spirit inside of us, enabling us to walk in humility and self-control, and gentleness, and joy, and love, and peace, and patience, and kindness, and goodness, and gentleness, right?
13:08
SPEAKER_00: Said gentleness twice.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: You need to hear it.
13:10
SPEAKER_00: All right, we need intimacy because God designed us for oneness.
13:15
SPEAKER_00: Healing serves a mission.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: Mission doesn't make healing unnecessary.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: I know so many actually get stuck in healing, right?
13:27
SPEAKER_00: Like I'll be able to do that when I'm fully healed.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: But I've said so many times that the truest sign of healing is when you are able to take what the enemy meant for evil, but God did not allow it to go to waste.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: So he has put a testimony in you, and you deploy that testimony for the good and saving of others.
13:45
SPEAKER_00: That is the truest sign of healing.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: So think about an actual team here.
13:53
SPEAKER_00: Like ghost sports, right?
13:55
SPEAKER_00: Like, I mean, I played some sports when I was when I was, you know, younger.
13:58
SPEAKER_00: I played volleyball, that was my thing.
14:00
SPEAKER_00: Um, I played soccer because we didn't have enough people, and my friends begged me, and oh my gosh, it was probably the hardest thing I ever did at that point in my life.
14:07
SPEAKER_00: But um, you know, I'm I'm more of like a ghost sports, okay?
14:12
SPEAKER_00: More more so now I'm understanding football a little bit, but it doesn't matter.
14:15
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so maybe sports aren't your thing, but you still get the idea of a team, right?
14:19
SPEAKER_00: One teammate make mate, can't talk.
14:22
SPEAKER_00: One teammate makes a mistake, right?
14:25
SPEAKER_00: You may need to correct it or adjust or communicate, but imagine if everybody stops playing and they gather around the mistake and they analyze it for the next three quarters and forget there's a game happening.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: That's absurd, right?
14:40
SPEAKER_00: That's absurd.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's exactly what we can do in marriage.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: We forgot we're on the field, we forgot the game's going on.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: There's a kingdom, there are children watching, there are people who need Jesus, there are gifts to steward.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: There is work God prepared beforehand for us to walk in.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: Ephesians 2 10.
15:02
SPEAKER_00: For he are we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good work works, which God prepared beforehand, predestined for us to walk in before the foundation of the world was formed.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: Okay, and this connects directly into spiritual warfare because what if if the enemy can't destroy your marriage, but he can keep you perpetually distracted by it?
15:25
SPEAKER_00: That's enough to interrupt enormous amounts of kingdom fruit.
15:28
SPEAKER_00: Imagine you're running down the field and you're looking at the stands the whole time.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: Well, you're gonna trip, you're gonna fumble, you're gonna lose the ball, right?
15:36
SPEAKER_00: Like what?
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but now instead of looking at the stands, you're looking at another player the whole time rather than looking at the ball, keeping your eyes on the ball, right?
15:45
SPEAKER_00: Right?
15:46
SPEAKER_00: So Satan's attempts to keep them talking about the same offense, keep her analyzing him, keep him with drawing, keep them keeping score, keep both of them staring down at weeds.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, the field goes unattended, your pocket is open.
16:01
SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that's really actually accurate, but you get what I'm saying, right?
16:05
SPEAKER_00: Your zone is left unattended, so they are walking on you all day long.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: But a high-level wife, this is actually why the name matters.
16:17
SPEAKER_00: A high-level wife learns to zoom out.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: She can acknowledge, yep, that's a weed.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: She doesn't deny it or call sin good or stuff hurt, but she also doesn't build a house around it.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: Instead, she asks, What does truth say?
16:34
SPEAKER_00: What is mine to repent of?
16:36
SPEAKER_00: What needs to be repaired?
16:38
SPEAKER_00: What needs to be forgiven?
16:41
SPEAKER_00: What belongs to God?
16:42
SPEAKER_00: And then where are we going together?
16:46
SPEAKER_00: What's the actual mission here?
16:48
SPEAKER_00: What's the bigger picture?
16:50
SPEAKER_00: What is God doing through this marriage?
16:53
SPEAKER_00: Because God has a specific calling and mission for you and your husband in your marriage.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: So let's make practical shifts here, okay?
17:04
SPEAKER_00: Instead of asking why does he keep doing this?
17:08
SPEAKER_00: Try instead, Lord, what is mine to do here so I can remain obedient and moving forward?
17:13
SPEAKER_00: Remember, your obedience is not contingent or dependent on your husband's obedience.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: You are responsible for your obedience to God.
17:20
SPEAKER_00: Your husband is responsible for his obedience to God.
17:24
SPEAKER_00: As the leader of the house, he actually is responsible for your obedience to God, but only in the sense that you do have a free will, right?
17:34
SPEAKER_00: He can't force you or change you, just like you can't force or change him.
17:38
SPEAKER_00: Okay, another one.
17:39
SPEAKER_00: Instead of why should I forgive again, ask, what is unforgiveness costing me, us in the kingdom?
17:46
unknown: Right?
17:47
SPEAKER_00: Because I may remind you that if you refuse to forgive your brother, the Lord will refuse to forgive you.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: An unrepentant heart is a costly matter.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: All right.
17:58
SPEAKER_00: How about instead of when will our marriage finally be fixed?
18:02
SPEAKER_00: Ask God, how can you use our marriage today?
18:06
SPEAKER_00: Because we also don't want to get it, as I said, in those weeds of healing, like once I'm healed, then no, God can use your marriage today.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: Ask him, how can you use our marriage today?
18:17
SPEAKER_00: Instead of am I getting enough?
18:20
SPEAKER_00: Ask, what have you entrusted to us?
18:23
SPEAKER_00: Now, go study, read Nehemiah 4.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: Pay attention to how they respond to opposition.
18:30
SPEAKER_00: They pray, they prepare, they guard, they fight, and they keep building.
18:36
SPEAKER_00: And then ask, Lord, what weeds have captured too much of my attention?
18:41
SPEAKER_00: Is there something I genuinely need to address and repair?
18:45
SPEAKER_00: Is there something you've already told me to release?
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Where has my marriage become inward focused?
18:52
SPEAKER_00: What are you asking us to build?
18:55
SPEAKER_00: What kingdom work have I forgotten because I've been staring at the weeds?
19:00
SPEAKER_00: So, Christian wife, get your head up, right?
19:02
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, get your head up.
19:04
SPEAKER_00: You're on the field.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: Your marriage is bigger than the argument you had yesterday or for the last 10 years, okay?
19:10
SPEAKER_00: It's bigger than whether he loaded the dishwasher correctly for the love of God.
19:14
SPEAKER_00: It's bigger than the text he didn't send you.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: It's bigger than the expectation that wasn't met.
19:20
SPEAKER_00: It's even bigger than having a marriage that finally makes you happy.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: If if the the metric for you is how happy am I marriage, I am here to tell you, sister, you will never attain to it because it's a moving target.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: It's a bad master, and it will always require more of you.
19:39
SPEAKER_00: So you have kingdom work to do.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: Deal with the weeds, pull the ones God tells you to pull, stop watering the ones He told you to release, and then keep building because high-level thinking remembers.
19:53
SPEAKER_00: We're not trying to create a marriage we can stare at and admire.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: We're building oneness that God can multiply and send forward for his glory, his work, and the good and saving of people.
20:07
SPEAKER_00: And remember again, Nehemiah 4 weapon in one hand, building with the other.
20:13
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I will see you on the next episode.