Latest / Dubious Creatures Presents / The Dubious Book Club Podcast Ep 14 - Kiss of the Basilisk Part 2

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The Dubious Book Club Podcast Ep 14 - Kiss of the Basilisk Part 2 · Dubious Creatures Presents

0:00
So I would like to begin this recording by saying not only do
0:05
we not get to see anyone's freaky snake penis, but the book
0:10
is actively teasing me at this point and not in the fun way.
0:15
Yeah, yeah. We we engage in, we engage in
0:19
every kind of no stop the intro, stop the fucking presses.
0:24
We engage in every kind of fucking depravity in this book
0:27
except for the God damn snake sex, all right?
0:33
Even when they do, it's practically breezed over.
0:39
And you know what? I'm tired of it.
0:47
I'm tired of it too. Yeah, you know why?
0:51
Because nobody in this book hydrates.
0:55
No, no one book hydrates at all. All right, ironically, despite
1:00
everybody in this book being so goddamn thirsty, I it is a
1:05
miracle half the population of this Kingdom hasn't died of
1:09
dehydration. Yeah, yeah.
1:14
Before we go too much further, we'll just do kind of a weird
1:19
intro. I'm going to keep all of this in
1:26
Yes, as you you are aware it is dubious book club time, and it
1:30
is me and one other dubious creature here to talk about the
1:34
second-half of Kiss of the Basilisk.
1:36
Say hi, dubious creature. I am.
1:39
I'm a little sleep deprived, it's quite early in the morning
1:44
for me and I have not yet had my caffeine.
1:48
The last thing I remember before going to bed last night was
1:53
reading about probably one of the world's most boring orgy
1:57
scenes, so I'm my head's in a weird place.
2:03
No, yeah, no. The content warnings, as we've
2:07
said before or Kiss the Basilisk, are graphic violence,
2:11
misogyny, slut shaming, mentions of SA DPS, consent, torture and
2:17
victim blaming. So yeah, I guess we should just
2:22
really just pick up where we left off.
2:26
Well, where we where we left off is a temperance.
2:35
In order to save the Kingdom, she's going to have to have sex
2:38
with Caspian's dad. So, you know, yeah, there's
2:43
that. Why did I find Kaspin's dad a
2:46
much more compelling character than Kaspin?
2:49
Kaspin's dad is actually kind of red.
2:52
Yeah, I'm. Sure, there's a Stacey's mom
2:56
joke we made in there somewhere. Honestly my my immediate thought
3:01
was oh boy do we 2 Lord dads 2 for the price of 1A double dad
3:08
dad stravaganza. Yeah, yeah.
3:14
So there's she decides that yeah, I guess I will have sex
3:18
with your dad. So your your quiver will agree
3:21
to marry us, which that's a sentence.
3:26
That is, you know, the cup's time in your life where you got
3:34
to ask yourself, is this the culmination of my life, Beth?
3:39
You know, like is, is this what I meant to do with my, with my,
3:45
with my existence? Debating the merits of debate
3:51
the the the story, the storytelling behind a plot
3:56
revolving around topping other people's dads.
4:01
Because did did I think reading a book that had basilisks, you
4:06
know, freaky snake sex, that that would be the most boring
4:10
part of the book? It's so weird.
4:13
It's weirdly detailed in all the wrong ways.
4:15
It really is the world building. It used to be so fucking weird.
4:20
It's like, no, no, forget about the actual, forget about the
4:24
actual sex scene. Caspen has a whole sex itinerary
4:30
for when the grand ritual of cuckoldry shall begin and.
4:37
Of course, in pure Caspian fashion, he tells her 5 minutes
4:39
before. Yeah, Caspin is OK.
4:42
Caspin are you? I can't help but feel like you
4:47
are getting off of this in a completely different way.
4:50
Yeah, yeah, it's, it's there is a kink here and I'm unsure of
4:55
what it is. Yeah, and when Aubrey doesn't
5:00
know what sort of freak flag is is flying, you know we're in
5:06
trouble. Yeah, it's I always found myself
5:10
very happy to go back to Tim and Leo flirting because at least I
5:14
knew what the fuck was going on with that.
5:16
At least Leo shows off that he's horrendously down bad for Tim.
5:23
Yeah, I mean, Leo's got, Leo's got like a brat thing going on.
5:28
You know, it's not entirely complicated.
5:32
He's just all this basilisk stuff is like, I don't even know
5:38
how to talk about it, man. Because like the, the, the every
5:48
fuck. I think the moral of the story
5:51
here is that sex is like chocolate.
5:56
If you have it all the time, it starts to get boring real fast.
6:02
Unless you're like, really like unless all the scenes are
6:05
different and you know you're going on a veritable just 10
6:10
course meal of kinks. Yeah, but the this the same.
6:16
That's. The same, really.
6:18
Yeah, this is just this shit is just weird.
6:23
Yeah. Like there's there's, there's
6:26
freaky weird and then there's because the next like a handful
6:35
of chapters are the basilisk cuckoldry ritual, as I said,
6:46
which involves, among other things.
6:49
And you know, folks, if you're listening to this podcast
6:52
without headphones, that's a very brave decision.
6:56
I'm sure your Co workers will look at you normally.
7:00
So basically after meeting Lord dad 2 electric boogaloo?
7:05
I mean his name is Bastian, but. Yeah, Sebastian Bastian it.
7:10
Takes fuck it. Oh no.
7:14
And Sebastian is also. Oh no.
7:20
I. I I didn't know, I didn't know.
7:30
Or at least that's what I guess Sebastian is short for.
7:34
I don't remember if they actually say the full name, but
7:36
in my brain I just like, yeah, Sebastian, yeah.
7:38
I don't know they do this. They do this annoying thing or
7:41
like half the cast have are referred to exclusively by
7:44
nicknames that are diminutives of their full names.
7:47
Yeah, because Caspian is Caspianon.
7:50
Yeah, which is doesn't feel like it needs to be the
7:54
foreshortened, you know what I mean, 2.
7:58
Letters. It's shortened.
8:00
Yeah, like 2 letter. Like it sounds like you just
8:03
came up with the name, immediately regretted it, and
8:06
tried to backpedal. Ain't it?
8:09
Yeah, no. Anyway.
8:11
It's around here that like, Tim realizes that she's a hybrid.
8:17
Which is 1/2. Basically it's a half freaky
8:22
snake monster, half human. I, I, I I could stop being able
8:27
to take them seriously when they refer to their shifting as
8:30
transitioning. Yeah.
8:32
Oh, right, it. Was like.
8:36
Come on, just say. Shifting.
8:38
Honestly, I I stopped taking all seriously when in the midst of
8:43
all of the of the Animal House at the House of Drachum.
8:47
Not only Temperance has so much sex that Caspian accidentally
8:56
after getting her dad to go down.
9:00
Nasty man, just a cracker pelvis in half.
9:07
Yeah. Like, Oh my God, we found it to
9:10
death by snooze. Snoo.
9:12
It's real. It exists.
9:15
Somebody, somebody, actually somebody saw that one episode of
9:18
Futurama and was like, you know what I'm going to make?
9:21
I'm going to. That's what my ultimate goal is
9:24
going to be. Kill a character by new Sno.
9:28
Yeah, I mean, she doesn't die obviously, because.
9:31
There's still a book. There's still so there's so
9:35
there's so much book left, yeah. So very little happens in it.
9:41
Yeah, I always get my funny myself being like, yay, we're
9:43
going back to the castle. More things are going to happen
9:46
than any of the stuff with the basilisks.
9:49
It's still not a lot, but it's better.
9:52
At least the castle stuff is pushing the plot forward.
9:55
I don't really want to know about how the basilisk society
9:58
works. I'm sorry.
10:00
You don't have to help me. Yeah, well, there, there is one.
10:08
To know why you know a character was made of eunuch.
10:13
Oh right, that. So there's this dude named Bro.
10:19
I don't know if we mentored him in the previous episode because
10:22
again, I don't. Think we did.
10:25
He exists purely to fulfill that protective monster boyfriend
10:28
trope for Castman. He's a, he's a Dick and he, he
10:32
don't like, he, he, he don't like temperance one bit, but
10:36
like, ironically enough. Ironically, Caspin kick his ass
10:44
and he just keeps coming back for more.
10:46
It just keeps coming and it gets, it gets a little
10:48
ridiculous. 2 scenes in particular are like, you know,
10:53
I'm starting to almost feel bad for him, right?
10:57
The first was when, See, apparently in baseless society,
11:00
it's not enough that you have to kiss the ring.
11:03
No, no, no, you have to kiss the clitoris.
11:07
Yeah. Yeah.
11:10
Also, the baseless are naked. All the time.
11:13
Yeah. Yeah.
11:15
Yeah, there's a big thing and theoretically the scene is hot,
11:22
but it's at the same time it's like it's not written well.
11:27
At a certain point, it's like, you know, Bellas, I don't know
11:32
about you, but this is getting a little awkward.
11:35
Yeah, yeah. And also I'm pretty sure Caspin
11:43
bit off Rose Dick. Yeah.
11:47
Yeah. Like come on, you keep being
11:52
really surprised you pissed this guy off enough to come at you
11:55
again. But this is what?
11:57
You're doing. Yeah, and even after even after
12:02
getting the world's worst form of head, but the fucker still is
12:07
just determined to Disney villain the shit out of this.
12:12
Yeah. And then, yeah, we get we get
12:15
all that stuff all like they the weirdest season.
12:18
The Bachelorette is still going and you know, eventually they
12:25
get to the castle and the plot actually gets to move.
12:31
Yeah, it's look, I, I told you that the, the secret of the,
12:36
the, the dread secret behind the fucking Basilisk human Alliance
12:44
or what have you is a dumb Yeah. And it's because the basilisks,
12:51
in addition to in addition to be able to make people hard and
12:58
also turn them to stone their their blood, it turns into gold
13:07
that their blood can be turned into gold, which.
13:11
OK. OK, yeah, but that that they
13:17
they build this, they build this secret up.
13:20
But again, you know at a certain point Caspian really can just be
13:27
replaced with a dildo on a stick with a voice recording attached
13:31
to it, because he's really only there for sex scenes and
13:34
exposition. It really is.
13:37
It's just like, yes, Tim, here's another secret I've been keeping
13:40
from you this entire time. You.
13:42
Know for some what do you says you don't lie you really know
13:45
how to withhold information you've.
13:48
Got to be asking more questions, baby.
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I'm starting to think, you know, I'm not sure what's great.
13:54
You know, he's great. He's a I'm not sure it.
14:01
OK. So are you just are you
14:05
withholding or are you stupid? I, I can't, I genuinely.
14:12
There's there's a fun scene and a carriage between Tim and Leo.
14:16
Yeah, that was fine. At this point I'm look at this
14:20
point I'm actively skipping past sex scenes because I'm so
14:23
desensitized to it. There's a.
14:25
There's a lot. Yeah, it it's literally like a
14:29
sex scene every other chapter. Yeah, I listened to the
14:34
audiobook, so it was just just let it play.
14:38
Got to be a family on the wall in the recording booth when they
14:41
get to the crazy snake orgy chapter.
14:49
It's just wild because it's like, of all the books I read
14:52
this year, this is so fucking tame.
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Like, yeah, sure, there's a lot of sex, but it's it's pretty
14:58
tame. Yeah, it's the ancients and the
15:04
ancient and horny reptile gremlins.
15:10
Strictly missionary Jamboree it it.
15:16
Yeah, it's I, I, I feel like I've been lied to by
15:24
bookstagram. Everyone was hyping this book up
15:28
so much. I was very excited to read it
15:30
and I feel good. Felt very left out, like let
15:34
down. I'm tired, man.
15:40
I'm tired man. And I'm getting increasingly
15:44
dehydrated. The more I, the more like at a
15:49
certain point I just want to be like water, somebody.
15:54
Yeah. Temperance is going to shrivel
15:58
up and die. Yeah, it's, it was so hard for
16:03
me to get to like the middle of the book.
16:05
Like I didn't finish the book until about like two hours ago.
16:10
Yeah, I. Because this, the middle of the
16:13
book, is just a lot of and nothing happens and people talk
16:17
and nothing is accomplished. Yeah, most of the most of the
16:21
important stuff gets finished up in like the last 10 or so
16:26
chapters. Anyway, the damn finds out she's
16:31
a hybrid and her dad is locked up and other Lord Dad's freaky
16:38
gold extraction sex dungeon because Lord Dad, as all Lord
16:44
Dad's should be, is a fucking super villain.
16:50
Yeah. And what else?
16:56
Leo continues to also be there and like you get this one.
17:02
The most interesting things get is when Temperance has this one,
17:07
essentially the masturbation fantasy about threesome, which
17:13
I'm like fucking it would. Spice things up.
17:19
You know, there's a bit at the end of the book that I want to
17:23
talk about and it's not it it the the author literally
17:28
prefaces it by saying not it's not Canon.
17:36
And it was it was inspired by fucking challengers.
17:39
The the one with the movie, with the horny tennis movie, that
17:44
one, you know, and it's like, and it literally is just a
17:48
threesome scene between Leo Tam and Casp.
17:51
And it's like, OK, but the fact that you're including it, I I
17:58
just like, no man, yeah, I you had to, I I stand here defiant
18:08
and positively untitlated. Like no, you don't get to just
18:18
have a non Canon threesome after all the shit you put me through.
18:23
Make that I want a cannon. I want a cannon threesome, damn
18:27
it. I want something.
18:29
Give me something because I was. I got some whips and chains.
18:33
Seriously. My my reaction to most of the of
18:37
the sex shenanigans, because that's what they are, was
18:40
honestly just my wife came in at one point into my office and was
18:45
like, why are you laughing so much?
18:47
It's just like, because what else, what else is 1 to do when
18:55
confronted with scene after scene of the the six?
19:01
Same goddamn description of Caspens sex rope and not the fun
19:08
kind of sex rope. Like the only descriptors we
19:11
ever get of male characters is what the fucking cock?
19:14
Looks like and the fact that Leo has like gold canines.
19:21
Which is the the interesting. But you know, yeah.
19:26
Well, I don't know necessarily Like I I it giving the royal
19:30
family the built in grills might not be used.
19:35
I'm just saying it's, it's a little goofy.
19:38
Yeah, there was could be like a moment near the end of the book
19:41
where it's like, oh, Leo's a hybrid too, and then no.
19:46
No, Leo. Like that would have been it.
19:48
That would have been too interesting.
19:51
Leo continues to fulfill his role as side Dick.
19:54
Yeah. And then like reveal that like
19:56
the entire Kingdom has been like hybrids the whole time.
19:59
That would have been cool and interesting because it's too
20:04
cool and too interesting. It would take away from all the
20:08
non interesting stuff that's happening.
20:10
Yes, like all of this incredible, not interesting sex.
20:18
Yeah. Also again I just say cresting
20:23
is so weird. Yeah, it's doesn't.
20:30
We hold them by the throat and touch foreheads.
20:33
It it doesn't it it you get lovingly touch them on the
20:39
forehead so hard they orgasm. Yeah, it would make more.
20:43
It would make so much more sense if it was.
20:45
You fed them your venom. Yeah, but feeding them your
20:51
venom apparently makes you immune to it, but only like the
20:55
specific person. And then because she's a hybrid,
20:59
she can Crest people, but doing so causes her the basilisk calf
21:05
to start dying some. It feels like it feels like it
21:15
was a like a cart for the horse thing of the author had 10 drink
21:22
the venom earlier on in the the book and then had to like comp
21:26
the reason later why that wasn't cresting and that was something
21:29
else and that was like actually protecting her.
21:34
Yeah. A.
21:36
Little late for a magic system here bud.
21:41
Like. I wish your magic system made
21:43
sense. Like he didn't have to give the
21:49
what? What I know about the past risks
21:51
is that they can transform into snakes.
21:57
They can turn people to stone with their gaze.
22:00
While they are snakes. They are incredibly,
22:06
unrepentantly, monstrously down Primeval.
22:12
And yet none of them have heard of BDSM.
22:15
Exactly. Their blood can be turned into
22:19
gold. They know two positions they
22:21
know missionary and cowgirl. They and they communicate via
22:29
vibrating dildos. Yeah.
22:35
Also they can also they can grab the psychic G spot which all.
22:42
Like if the author actually puts more work into like the world
22:47
building and the bass looks that themselves, like I feel like
22:50
that that's a lot of really interesting things, but
22:55
unfortunately none of them are executed properly.
23:01
This is just. It is a bundle of.
23:04
It's a bundle of like hyper specificity to the point where I
23:08
I can't help but wonder. You know that joke about the
23:16
author's barely disguised fetish?
23:19
Yes. Yeah.
23:22
Like I'm a monster fucker and I wouldn't fuck these basilisks
23:25
because they're just so boring. You heard it here first, you.
23:30
We got that live on. Period folks.
23:35
You have bore, you have bored her.
23:40
Now take your magic dildos and be gone.
23:45
It's not even like a scene where like they get it on, where like
23:49
Caspian is in his real form and 10 isn't and that she can't look
23:54
at him. So they just, I don't know, do
23:55
it from behind or something. Come on, it was right there.
23:59
They do they. It's implied that they have sex
24:02
as snakes. Because hybrids can.
24:05
I'm not saying I'm not saying transitioned.
24:09
It was trying really hard not to laugh every time they said that.
24:12
I'm like you really don't want to use the word shift.
24:16
Just like and you thought transition was better, Get them
24:24
snakes. 8 or AT. They're putting, they're putting
24:31
chemicals in the water. They're turning all the snakes.
24:36
Hello God I wish like spice things up a little.
24:41
Because it's always just like, Oh yes, you see female basilisks
24:44
making out. I don't remember ever ever there
24:46
was a reference to male basilisks doing the same.
24:50
Yeah. Maybe in the orgy, I don't
24:52
remember. I don't, I don't remember
24:54
either. I was trying really hard just to
24:56
get through it because like, oh it just keeps going and going to
25:04
the point where it's like, how the fuck are all of you not dead
25:09
of exhaustion at this point? Like every single fluid in your
25:13
body should be expunged by this. Point you should be like just
25:19
that there should be nothing coming out at this point.
25:22
Yeah, no, like it. And if there is stuff coming
25:25
out, it's probably that it's it's probably blood honest like
25:29
because you you folks what engaging in ferocious amounts of
25:38
sex fluids. It's important.
25:42
Yeah, you expunge and you take influence.
25:45
Yeah, you can only do. You can only you can only do so
25:48
much before it is before everyone is reduced to beef
25:56
jerky. Yeah.
25:58
Which is honestly what it felt like.
26:03
Yeah, just just a little bit. Yeah.
26:07
And then we learned that the Basilis have a secret plan to
26:10
overthrow the Kingdom. And I'm like at this point, just
26:13
let them so we can all plot along.
26:18
Look, it's look, it's fine. And all they really want is what
26:23
the fuck do they want? I mean, obviously they want to
26:26
be. They want to stop being milked
26:28
for gold, but. Yeah, but then they imply that
26:32
like, the fucking Bastion is handing basilisks over.
26:38
So like, why? Why does he want this?
26:40
Like, why? Because he's like.
26:41
Dead. Yeah.
26:43
Apparently. Your motivation means nothing in
26:46
the face of his supernatural down Vadnais.
26:54
Oh man, he's evil. OK, moving on.
26:58
Yeah, he's evil. Next question.
27:00
Yeah, I hope there was going to be some sort of twist where I
27:05
don't know, like it's just a point where I'm like, I'm hoping
27:08
something happens where it's just like, Nope, you get with
27:11
Lord Bat, you get with like you get with Bastion instead of
27:15
Caspian. Because I'm like, at least he's
27:18
an interesting character that has some sort of motivation that
27:21
makes sense. Is the greater disagree there?
27:25
But you know. He has more motivation than
27:29
Caspian. Yeah, well, Caspian is again,
27:32
like I said, just kind of a Dick on a spear.
27:37
You know he's the world's most transitionable dildo.
27:42
They reference so many other like countries and cities, but
27:46
they name none of them. Yeah, also how so I get that it
27:54
might be advantageous to be able to just, I guess just milk these
27:59
poor sex friends for their blood in order to, you know, make
28:05
gold. Because, you know, the Kingdom
28:08
was apparently founded by the House of.
28:09
Mcduck. But how does that are you
28:18
telling me that the the the Kingdom, because we don't really
28:21
learn, because there's so little world building that my the
28:25
impression I get is that the kingdom's entire economic basis
28:31
is off of snake torture. Yeah, apparently.
28:35
Which aside from being, you know, the sort of mustache
28:39
twirling villainy one would expect from a Lord Dead type
28:43
individual, I don't know, just doesn't seem very practical.
28:48
I mean, granted, basilisks never seem to get dehydrated ever.
28:52
So maybe they're just an infinite, they're an infinite
28:58
gold farm or something. But like, I mean, like we see,
29:07
we, we see the, the, you know, the torture dungeon, right?
29:13
We we see Denver's dad Kronos and down there and he's fine.
29:22
Honestly, the book makes it sound like he's just, you know,
29:25
he's just a little miffed by the whole near constant
29:30
exsanguination thing. But like, apparently the what
29:35
what I've learned so far is that all basilisks are just infinite
29:38
fountains of blood and come so. Apparently.
29:44
Apparently, and like the the the it's I told you this was dumb
29:54
before I I told you, but like. I'm not disagreeing with you on
30:00
this. But like, apparently it's not
30:02
just their blood like turns to gold on its own.
30:05
Like, you know, it has to be specifically like alchemized.
30:07
That's the exact word they use to be turned into gold.
30:12
And like, what the fuck does that even mean?
30:15
Like what do you mean out? You've never given any us any
30:19
impression that alchemy or any kind of other science is a major
30:22
part of this world's general makeup.
30:30
What? What do you mean you can turn
30:32
the the the kink monsters into currency?
30:35
Like no, explain that shit. The answer is no, they will not
30:43
explain. And now have 12 more missionary
30:48
scenes. Pretty much.
30:54
Look, the the final act happens with the fucking.
31:00
Leo finds out that he's, you know, that Oh my God, the
31:05
incredibly sexy and virile snake monster, which I specifically,
31:11
which of our Kingdom specifically sets you up with,
31:16
you're boning him and you actually like it.
31:20
And apparently that's just unforgivable for him.
31:22
And there's a brief, I don't know.
31:25
Temperance vacillates from being constantly aghast to Temperance
31:35
gets, you know, huff about everything and refuses
31:40
absolutely nothing. So.
31:45
And then like after she gets crested she realizes she can lie
31:49
and then doesn't do Jack shit with it.
31:52
Yeah, which that whole not lying thing of Baskless is bullshit
31:59
because all they really do is just be vague and vague and
32:03
mysterious about everything. Yeah.
32:07
Which is still lying. It's lying by a mission.
32:11
They just can't tell a lie. That bullshit, They never made
32:14
that distinction. Yeah, I really hate to draw a
32:19
comparison here, but one of my favorite things about years ago
32:25
when I read the A Court of Floors of Roses is that it's
32:28
like, it's I have a point is that like when Farrah first gets
32:37
to like the the the world be on the wall, you know, and she's
32:41
like learning about fairy and stuff.
32:44
And she like specifically was like, Oh yeah, you guys can't
32:47
lie. And then I'm like, no, we can
32:50
lie. We just said that so you would
32:53
all believe everything we said. And I'm like, I was kind of half
33:00
expecting that kind of reveal from the best lists of yeah,
33:03
they can lie. They just, they just made that
33:06
up so people would like take them at their word.
33:10
Nearly sneezed on the recording. Look man, none of this.
33:27
It's just the whole kitchen sink.
33:29
You know, I get that the plots of most of these books are
33:33
really just excuses to have a variety of smutty scenes
33:37
interspersed throughout. I'm I'm joked about how don't if
33:43
you're going to give me the back story of the pizza guy in the
33:47
porno, at least make it compelling.
33:50
But this is like if the pizza guy showed up and you know, you
33:56
know, he's still having sex with your wife, but he's also listing
33:58
off his favorite. He's also listing off his
34:01
favorite random World of Warcraft facts while he's doing
34:04
it. It's just like, well, good for
34:10
you, man Would you? I failed to see how any of this
34:19
is relevant. But, and that's just it, like
34:23
the tagline is. I fail to see how any of this is
34:26
relevant. Yeah, you have to step on my mic
34:32
to move over it, apparently. Hi.
34:36
Isaac, you got to Isaac. Would you like to share your
34:43
opinion with the good people at home about Kiss of the Basilisk
34:48
and the seeming infinite cum fountains they're in?
34:53
Do you have any opinions on Basilisk Sax Isaac?
34:57
He's looking at the wall. Even.
35:00
Wow. I think that says everything.
35:04
Yeah, Doughnut. Say at the the end of the book,
35:09
you know, as after everything happens, there's there's like
35:14
the reconcile. It's not even really a
35:17
reconciliation between the Theo and Tam.
35:20
It's more just like he gets over it because he he's too down bad.
35:26
The the the records right after. Yeah, pretty much.
35:34
Yeah. And then they're like, yes, you
35:37
must talk to Caspian. And so we get an entire chapter
35:41
of the trio talking. It's just relaying all of the
35:46
information that we've already learned throughout the entire
35:49
book. Oh.
35:52
Gosh. I feel like this could have been
35:54
summarized. Kind of just cut at a certain
36:04
point. I can't.
36:05
I can't help but wonder if the author is doing it deliberately.
36:09
It kind of feels a little bit like, let's inflate my word
36:11
count, let's have let's have like 10 pages where we just go
36:15
over all of the information we've already learned.
36:18
Yeah, look, the basic gist is that Lord Snake King, Lord Dad
36:28
wants specifically temperance during the official wedding
36:33
ceremony to Leo to Crest because she can do that because she's a
36:37
hybrid. The royal family.
36:41
Dad royal family edition so that way they can take over the
36:47
Kingdom and in exchange Snake King Lord Dad promises not to.
36:55
Snake King Lord Dad sounds like a he man villain anyway.
37:05
Honest, honestly, this whole thing does feel a bit like a
37:08
plot by Skeletor when you really break it down.
37:11
Anyway, yeah, that's that R rated Masters of the Universe
37:18
guy anyway, so they could spare the royal fam, especially Leo
37:22
and his sister Lily, who is also there.
37:25
Yeah. There she exists.
37:28
Yeah, and we we get to the day of and once you know what,
37:31
things don't go according to plan and a bunch of bullshit
37:34
happens that doesn't really matter.
37:36
And gasping the kills his dad because of course he does.
37:42
Because Lord dads have a limited shelf life depending on when
37:48
it's the most appropriate for their sons to, you know, do the
37:54
Darth Vader thing. Leo still ends up becoming king,
38:02
but the isn't all. Technically he's also married to
38:06
Tim, but also Tim is married to Caspian and she becomes the
38:10
serpent queen. And Leo captures his dad, his
38:15
did the other Lord dad and it finds out that his former love
38:20
Evelyn is still alive. And it goes to, I don't know,
38:24
presumably ask her if maybe she can put on this leather corset.
38:31
Be mean to him. And be very, very mean to him
38:36
and it. And I guess the Temperance and
38:42
Caspian live vanilla ever after the end.
38:47
Until book 2. No, fuck you, fuck off.
38:52
This does not. There's neither needs nor
38:55
deserves a sequel. Really.
38:57
There's a third one coming, too. Why?
39:02
I don't know. I don't know what other plot
39:06
threads there are to wrap up. There are none.
39:08
There were barely any plot threads to begin with.
39:14
Everybody gets reunited. It is a.
39:17
It is a almost saccharine happy ending.
39:21
Yeah, and you know, Tim has to have that big moment during the
39:27
wedding where she looks inside herself and realizes the power
39:30
is in her all along. You know what?
39:34
You know what temperance you can, you can you can get your
39:37
special. You can get your special Mac
39:39
Guffin triumph when you get a personality.
39:42
Yeah. Your entire character arc has
39:46
basically been like, how dare you tell me to do things?
39:50
Witty banter, Witty banter. OK, fine, I'll do the thing.
39:53
Yeah. What are you, a writer in the
39:57
early 2000s? She has to Crest Leo, and that's
40:01
a whole big thing, really. It was like, no, do it.
40:03
You're dying and I love you and I don't want you to die.
40:07
This is like no I couldn't possibly and just like bitch you
40:11
have been ripped in half and not in the fun way.
40:17
I don't want to take away his free will.
40:20
What free will? Skill issue.
40:24
Play Vampire. In order to win the approval of
40:34
House Dragon, you must engage in the world's most salacious
40:37
vampire, the Masquerade LARP. Honestly, I would have taken
40:44
that. It would have been interesting
40:47
at least. Yeah, it turns out the basilisks
40:49
are big in a role play, just not that kind.
40:54
You should make a wits aspects to notice the giant cock
41:03
difficulty 1 you. Know what?
41:10
I take half. That's good, because it's only
41:12
at half mast. Oh my God.
41:19
Yep. So that was the the fucking kiss
41:22
of the pass list, man. That was that was that.
41:30
I gave it a solid 3 blood bags. One it gets one the.
41:37
Tracks. But I I give it one out of five
41:41
because it's just it committed the carnal sin of making the
41:48
sexy times boring. Yeah, yeah.
41:53
If you're going to have a lot of sex scenes, you've really got to
41:56
like, do a lot to differentiate them.
42:00
The plot is nonsensical, the world building is non existent,
42:05
the characters are basically sex dolls with tragic backstories.
42:13
The the pros refuses to give us any detail except for the most
42:20
weirdly specific things that have very little bearing on the
42:23
actual situation, wherein and most of the side characters have
42:29
no purpose other than to walk up and declare their stereotype and
42:33
then quietly shuffle off. It's bad.
42:37
Yeah, yeah, unfortunately and especially it was just like I, I
42:41
read this book after coming off like a couple of other books
42:44
that are like really good with their world building and stuff.
42:47
And so it was just like City of Gods and Monsters by Kayla
42:54
Edwards. That's a good book and it has
42:58
just some really cool world building.
43:02
I yeah, I remember that one. Honestly, I remember feeling a
43:06
little disappointed with that one by the end of it.
43:12
Yeah, it's like, yeah, yeah, it does have a lot of really cool
43:14
world building. The problem is, it's almost.
43:16
It's too much world buildings, the problems, all this
43:18
interesting shit, but not a lot actually happens over the course
43:23
of the book. I I enjoyed it.
43:28
I'm looking forward to reading the other ones.
43:29
Like is it like I enjoyed it more than Kiss of the Basilisk?
43:33
Let's put it this way. Well, yeah, but like, most
43:37
things are more enjoyable than doing your taxes.
43:40
More enjoyable Doing your taxes while listening to softcore porn
43:43
in the background is probably more enjoyable than you know,
43:49
reading this fucking book. That's fair, yeah.
43:57
Any final thoughts before we lay this wonder at rest?
44:01
You had so many opportunities for freaky snake sex.
44:05
Yeah. That is, you didn't.
44:07
You didn't take a single damn one of them.
44:10
And this is truly unforgivable. I don't know why this is
44:15
specific, Hill is the one I've chosen to die on, but by God.
44:20
I mean you got to choose a hill die on occasionally.
44:23
I stand here at the summit of Mount Blue Balls and wonder
44:27
aloud, Why, God, why could you not just get into the freaky
44:36
snake part of your Society of Freaky Snake monsters?
44:42
I don't know. So shall we talk about what
44:46
we're reading next time? Sure.
44:50
I'm going to be exploring a genre that I haven't really read
44:54
a lot, and it's the genre of sports romance.
44:59
Yeah, because as we all know, that this, the the RPG community
45:04
famously overlaps with sports. You know, we're all just such
45:10
big sports fans over here. Yeah, exactly.
45:13
I mean to be fair, the one that won the pole is the swimming 1,
45:18
so. So I was on the swim team in
45:21
high school. Yeah.
45:23
I will say when you're on the swim team in high school, those
45:28
are some of the gayest homophobes you will ever meet.
45:32
Yeah, so the the book is Deep End by Ali Hazelwood.
45:37
And of course it is. The blur for this one is
45:42
Scarlett Van der Meer is swimming upstream.
45:44
A student athlete who specializes in platform diving,
45:47
Scarlett prefers to keep her head down, concentrating on
45:49
getting into Med school and recovering from the injury that
45:52
almost ended her career. She has no time for
45:54
relationships. Lucas Bumquist thrives on
45:56
discipline. It is how he wins gold medals
45:59
and breaks breaks complete focus with every stroke.
46:03
On the surface, Lucas and Scarlett have nothing in common
46:06
until a well guarded secret slips out and everything
46:08
changes. So they start an arrangement and
46:11
the pressure leading up to the Olympics heats up.
46:13
So does the relationship. It was only supposed to be a
46:15
temporary fling. But when staying away from Lucas
46:18
becomes impossible, Scarlett realized that her heart might be
46:21
treading into dangerous water. And the content warnings for
46:24
this book are mentions of past abuse, mentions of past child
46:27
abuse, death and grief, mental trauma, mental illness, sex.
46:34
So soaking wet, soaking wet head row heated rivalry.
46:40
Got it. We'll see.
46:45
To be fair, there was a hockey romance on there, it just didn't
46:48
win the pole. And that one actually had like
46:53
that one had like 4 protagonists.
46:58
I had four those. People who claim they watch
47:02
hockey for the plot, I see you. I watch it at the boy aquarium.
47:16
God, Aubrey, you can't be coming at me with terms like boy
47:22
aquarium right now. Is it too early?
47:29
You know it's too. Oh God, August cannot come soon
47:39
enough, because then it's my turn to pick the fucking book
47:43
and we get to talk about something other than sex for.
47:46
Like. An episode.
47:50
I look forward to whatever book you decide to pick.
47:53
And then I think September I might make.
47:56
I'm going to do a monster. I'm going to do an actual
47:59
monster romance at some point this fall.
48:01
I'm. Getting finally.
48:05
And I, I, I've specifically gone through to pick four things that
48:08
are not human, like one of them's a spider.
48:15
So yeah, that's take care of yourselves.
48:19
Listeners. We'll see you next month for
48:22
Swimming romance. Yeah, I guess don't listen to
48:29
this without headphones. Yeah.
48:32
Or if you if you do decide to play it out loud, well, good
48:38
luck with your next Employment Opportunity.