Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1279 - Parenting Alone in a Marriage: How to Gently Reconnect and Rebuild

Transcript

#1279 - Parenting Alone in a Marriage: How to Gently Reconnect and Rebuild · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: One of the most common questions that I'm asked is
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: how do I get my partner on the same page?
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Or I feel like I'm parenting alone in a marriage?
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: How do I get And I hate to say it,
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: it's almost always mums, not completely almost, but it's almost
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: always mums saying how do I get my husband on
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  Speaker 1: the same page? Every now and again a bloke will
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: say the same thing about his wife. Today, on The
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast, we talk about what to do when
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: you're parenting alone in a marriage. Today, Welcome to The
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every Day. This is
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are justin and Kylie Coulson.
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: Kylie has a little tickle in her throat. Say hi, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: so I'm sorry, all right. A lot of people feel
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  Speaker 1: like they're carrying the entire parenting burden alone. If you
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: feel like that, you may not be imagining it. It
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  Speaker 1: might actually be legit. I'm not going to gas like
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  Speaker 1: you on this one. I don't know what's happening in
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  Speaker 1: your family, but if you do feel like that, I
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  Speaker 1: can promise you you're not alone. This is such a
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  Speaker 1: common question that I get and it feels really unfair.
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  Speaker 1: Every now and again, I'll talk to like a mom
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  Speaker 1: who'll just say, my husband literally sits on his phone.
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  Speaker 1: That's all he does. He reads the news and he
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  Speaker 1: plays games, or I expect to one mum and she said,
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  Speaker 1: he literally just goes into the living room and he's
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  Speaker 1: on devices, like he's literally on the like he thinks
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  Speaker 1: he's a professional gamer. But we don't earn any money
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  Speaker 1: from it. And he doesn't contribute around the house, and
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  Speaker 1: he doesn't help with the kids, and it's doing my
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  Speaker 1: head in. It really really sucks if you're married to
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  Speaker 1: a man child. Today on the pod, we essentially are
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: going to talk about some gentle but effective ways that
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  Speaker 1: you can invite your partner into fuller engagement. Let's call
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  Speaker 1: it that fuller engagement, assuming that they want to be
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  Speaker 1: a good parent but might not know how to start.
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  Speaker 1: So that is right at the very core of what
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  Speaker 1: we're talking about. We're talking about having a husband wife
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  Speaker 1: partner who does actually desire to contribute and wants to
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  Speaker 1: be a good husband, wife, partner parent, but they're just
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  Speaker 1: I don't know, they're just struggling to get it right.
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  Speaker 1: There are too many other distractions. There's too much else
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  Speaker 1: going on. So I've got a couple of ideas, Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: I know that you've got your favorite. We haven't even
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  Speaker 1: planned this. I'm just going to shoot from the hit,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: but I know that your favorite one is going to
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  Speaker 1: come up. I think that I'm kind of accounting for
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  Speaker 1: it in some of mine, but feel free to dive
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  Speaker 1: in whenever you want. I'm going to do most of
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  Speaker 1: the talking, why because you can barely to talk. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: This does not mean that I dominate. It does not
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  Speaker 1: mean that we're not on the same page. I'm just
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  Speaker 1: going to be your voice when you can't use your
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  Speaker 1: voice alone. Should I stop digging? Should we just get
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  Speaker 1: on with this?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're enjoying this all way too much?
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  Speaker 1: All right. The first thing that I want to emphasize
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  Speaker 1: is when I hear people complaining about their partner's parenting.
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  Speaker 1: What I want to do, and this is something that
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  Speaker 1: I haven't figured out how to say tenderly and gently
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  Speaker 1: enough to actually say it yet, is that we get
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  Speaker 1: in life what we focus on. So I do this
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  Speaker 1: experiment when I'm on stage. Sometimes depending on what the topic,
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  Speaker 1: what the conversation is, where I get a volunteer to
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  Speaker 1: come out of the audience, and I give them like
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  Speaker 1: a broom handle. It doesn't have the broomer fix right,
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  Speaker 1: just the broom handle the stick, or a one meter ruler,
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  Speaker 1: or even you can do it with something even short,
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  Speaker 1: like a thirty centimeter ruler if you want. And I
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  Speaker 1: ask them to balance that stick on their fingertips and
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  Speaker 1: look at their fingertips while they're doing it. It's really hard.
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  Speaker 1: Nobody can really do it, not effectively, and if they can,
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  Speaker 1: it's tricky and it only will lasts for a couple
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  Speaker 1: of seconds. And then I asked them to try again,
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  Speaker 1: but this time, instead of looking at their fingertips while
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  Speaker 1: they balance this stick in their hand, I want them
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  Speaker 1: instead to look at the top of the stick, whether
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  Speaker 1: it's thirty centimeters or a meter or its entire broomstick,
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  Speaker 1: look at the top, not the bottom. And while it's
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  Speaker 1: still tricky, I want to emphasize it is still tricky,
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  Speaker 1: they always experience far greater success looking at the top
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  Speaker 1: rather than at the bottom. The point that I'm making
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  Speaker 1: here is you get what you're focus on. What you
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  Speaker 1: focus on in life makes a huge difference. And so
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  Speaker 1: when people are complaining to me that their husband, wife, partner,
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  Speaker 1: spouse is a lousy parent, doesn't pull their weight. Something
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  Speaker 1: that I really want to encourage is I'm going to
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  Speaker 1: call it an appreciation inventory, an appreciation inventory gratitude. The
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  Speaker 1: reality is this, they're probably doing more than we realize.
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  Speaker 1: The other thing that I will focus on is that
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  Speaker 1: a lot of disengaged parents and partners have withdrawn because
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  Speaker 1: they feel like we're not grateful, because they feel like
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  Speaker 1: they're unrecognized, because they feel like we're criticizing them or
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  Speaker 1: calling them in competent, and we know how important competence
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  Speaker 1: is in terms of basic psychological needs.
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  Speaker 2: I'm going to push back on that though, Oh no,
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  Speaker 2: because regardless of whether that's the case or not, if
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  Speaker 2: you're in a partnership, then number one, you have a
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  Speaker 2: voice and you have an opportunity to express that. But
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  Speaker 2: number two, that doesn't excuse you from checking out like
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  Speaker 2: it doesn't.
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  Speaker 1: So communication critical around here. Unfortunately, whether it excuses it
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  Speaker 1: or not, it happens.
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  Speaker 2: I actually think a lot of what goes on is
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  Speaker 2: that each partner feels that the weight of the load
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  Speaker 2: that they carry out weighs the weight of the other persons.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going to talk about that in a minute. That
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  Speaker 1: one's coming up, I promise. Okay, Okay, So here's the
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  Speaker 1: practical element to the appreciation inventory. This is something that
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  Speaker 1: you can genuinely do, starting right now, and it's incredible
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  Speaker 1: how quickly it works and how easily it works. Instead
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  Speaker 1: of sitting down and saying we need to talk about
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  Speaker 1: our relationship, well we need to talk about your parenting.
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  Speaker 1: You're not on the same page as me. Spend a
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  Speaker 1: week just noticing and acknowledging what they are doing. So
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  Speaker 1: you might say something like I love seeing you and
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  Speaker 1: our daughter Emma laugh together during breakfast, or thank you
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  Speaker 1: so much for reading that extra bedtime story to the
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  Speaker 1: kids last night. Well, you're smirking at me. What are
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  Speaker 1: you laughing at?
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  Speaker 2: I'm laughing because when we first got married, you're really
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  Speaker 2: really good at noticing all of the things I was doing.
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  Speaker 2: This was before I was even a parent. Yeah, you
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  Speaker 2: also tacked on, but next time I could you tast.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, So that's not part of the appreciation inventory. Okay,
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  Speaker 1: Oh gosh.
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  Speaker 2: Luck you were twenty seven years on. You've learned to.
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  Speaker 1: Lie both learnt. I don't say that anymore, do I? No,
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  Speaker 1: you don't I just walk in and say I love
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  Speaker 1: it when I walk into a clean living room. I
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  Speaker 1: don't say anything about the bedroom, in the kitchen, the
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  Speaker 1: dining room, at the kids rooms. I don't say anything
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  Speaker 1: about the front veranda that I had to climb over
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  Speaker 1: seventy four things. Well, I just say, oh, it just
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  Speaker 1: gol so good to walk into a clean living room.
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  Speaker 2: Like when the bed's made.
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  Speaker 1: In terms of having a conversation around this, I've been
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  Speaker 1: thinking about how we can both feel more connected as parents,
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  Speaker 1: and I noticed that you are just really involved and
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  Speaker 1: really connected and really on it when it comes to
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  Speaker 1: Saturday sports, and I'd love to build on that. Is
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  Speaker 1: there anything else that you're really enjoying as a parent,
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  Speaker 1: because I'd like to load it onto you as well.
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  Speaker 1: Obviously I'm making light of the situation, but actually why
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  Speaker 1: this works. It's called the heliotropic effect. People move towards
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  Speaker 1: positive energy, people move towards gratitude. People really love appreciation.
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  Speaker 1: They tend to be repelled by criticism. So if someone
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  Speaker 1: feels seen for their strengths, they're much more likely to
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  Speaker 1: engage with you instead of defending or withdrawing. Yes, my
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  Speaker 1: scripting might be a little bit contrived, but the appreciation
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  Speaker 1: inventory will make a difference if you're not on the
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  Speaker 1: same page just pointing out how things are going right.
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  Speaker 1: The second idea is that we want to collaborate. We
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  Speaker 1: want to invite rather than a sign. Nobody likes being
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  Speaker 1: told what to do, but they're usually open to collaboration.
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  Speaker 1: If you give somebody a to do list and just
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  Speaker 1: say you're not pulling you, awight I need you to do
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  Speaker 1: these things, it's not going to work, but they will
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  Speaker 1: engage when they feel like they're a valued partner in
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  Speaker 1: problem solving.
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  Speaker 2: It's not helpful when we treat our partner like they're
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  Speaker 2: the problem. And one of the best things we can
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  Speaker 2: do to help with this is family meetings or couple inventories.
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  Speaker 2: This is such a great place to sit down and
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  Speaker 2: get on the same page. Knowledge the things that are
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  Speaker 2: working really well, acknowledge and give gratitude for the part
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  Speaker 2: that they're playing in the areas that they're doing really
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  Speaker 2: well in.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's about collaboration, it's about problem solving.
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  Speaker 1: It's not about turning one another into adversaries. That's exactly right, yep.
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  Speaker 1: So that means that we want to frame problems as
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  Speaker 1: us problems that we're going to solve together. So you
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  Speaker 1: don't say you need to help more with bed time.
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  Speaker 1: You're just not pulling your weight. It's way way better
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  Speaker 1: if you can say.
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  Speaker 2: It might be even good instead of saying anything, it's
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  Speaker 2: actually asking a question. What are you noticing about bedtime?
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  Speaker 1: How are you feeling about evenings at the moment. I've
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  Speaker 1: noticed that you've been pretty irritable at night and so
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  Speaker 1: have I.
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  Speaker 2: What are you seeing well the kids are really stressed
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  Speaker 2: or we're not getting compliance? And what can we do together?
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  Speaker 1: So there's your explore and your explaining and then what
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  Speaker 1: can we do together? As you're empower right, what can
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  Speaker 1: we do together? It's a problem solving conversation. It's a
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  Speaker 1: collaborative conversation. It just it just works. Assignment feels diminishing,
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  Speaker 1: collaboration feels empowering. When people help to create the solution
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  Speaker 1: as well, they've got more buy in, so it works better.
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  Speaker 1: After the break, the gradual invitation plus an unexpected role
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  Speaker 1: modeling opportunity. Okay, so we've talked about the appreciation inventory,
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  Speaker 1: we've talked about being collaborative. Here's the third approach, the
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  Speaker 1: build success slowly approach. If you jump from minimal engagement
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  Speaker 1: to full co parenting, it's going to be too much
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  Speaker 1: and it's going to fizzle out and die if you
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  Speaker 1: go too hard and too fast.
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  Speaker 2: It's kind of like starting a fitness routine.
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  Speaker 1: Great example, great example, but one.
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  Speaker 2: Of the biggest things it's a sense of frustration that
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  Speaker 2: we have in that moment. If we understand that frustration
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  Speaker 2: is a feeling of being stuck between effort and outcome,
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  Speaker 2: it's a sign that something isn't working. So we either
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  Speaker 2: have to shift our approach or our expectations. When we're
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: able to recognize that, our expectation can't be that we're
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  Speaker 2: going to go from zero to a hunt exactly.
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  Speaker 1: Like if you have not been to the gym or
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  Speaker 1: done workouts or any kind of thing. For I don't
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  Speaker 1: know if.
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  Speaker 2: I'm not going to lose ten kilos overnight and you
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  Speaker 2: start going to gym build muscles overnight.
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  Speaker 1: But if you start going to the gym and you
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  Speaker 1: go five days in a row, at the end of
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  Speaker 1: the first week, you're going to be a wreck. You'll
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  Speaker 1: be in pieces, your body's going to be screaming at
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  Speaker 1: You're just gonna be like this was the worst idea ever.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just going to sit on the couch. I'm never
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  Speaker 1: doing this again. So we want to start slowly. I
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: just think practically, you want to identify one area where
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  Speaker 1: they're showing some natural ability or some interest they actually
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: like being with the kids and just in deeper engagement there.
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  Speaker 1: So one really fun example could be if they enjoy
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  Speaker 1: making pancakes on Sunday morning with the kids, maybe they
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: could own the whole Sunday morning routine. Maybe you could
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  Speaker 1: say you do Sunday morning so well, I want to
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  Speaker 1: build on that, Like, what else could we do to
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  Speaker 1: make Sundays beautiful and get them to take ownership of it.
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  Speaker 1: I know some parents who are like, you do Sunday
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: so well, You've got Sunday, I'm going out with my friends.
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  Speaker 1: But that's not what we're suggesting here, because it's really
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: about building stronger family relationships. The reason for this builds
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: success Slowly idea is because success breeds success, and when
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: someone starts to feel competent make progress in one area
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  Speaker 1: of life, they're more likely to try expanding their involvement
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: and building that up elsewhere. It just comes down to competence.
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  Speaker 1: So the last idea, we've got to do this really
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  Speaker 1: quickly because we're out of time. Is I'm a big
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: on role modeling, and this one's a little bit trickier.
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  Speaker 1: It requires a little bit of planning and forethought, or
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  Speaker 1: it requires being really obvious and being quite transparent. One
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  Speaker 1: of the two. I prefer the transparent model, but some
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: people do prefer being a little sneaky. Let another dad
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  Speaker 1: show the way. So sometimes, and this is unfair and inappropriate,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: but it goes like this anyway, whether it's right or not.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes partners need to see what engaged parenting looks like
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  Speaker 1: from someone who is in their spouse, and men particularly
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  Speaker 1: seem to be really responsive to seeing other men model
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  Speaker 1: hands on pairing with out realizing that they're being taught.
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  Speaker 2: The idea that we can become the average of the
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  Speaker 2: five people we spend the most time with.
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  Speaker 1: Well we're not only that we can become, we do
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  Speaker 1: become the average of the five people you spend the
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  Speaker 1: most time with is.
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  Speaker 2: Pretty powerful, right. Yeah, So if your husband hangs out
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  Speaker 2: with people who are just like him, and they come
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  Speaker 2: home and they are on their screens or they're gaming,
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  Speaker 2: or they've.
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  Speaker 1: Got that entitlement, where's my dinner, why's the house and
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  Speaker 1: mess kind of thing.
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  Speaker 2: Then there is going to be no there's going to
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  Speaker 2: be no shift.
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  Speaker 1: And if they're the jokes that they're making at work
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  Speaker 1: the next day, that's that's a problem. Right. So finding
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: finding really good role models who can model the kind
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  Speaker 1: of fatherhood that that that's just that's a game changer.
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  Speaker 2: So it's almost it's that concept of building a village.
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  Speaker 2: We're building a village around our family with people who
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: we essentially aspire to be.
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  Speaker 1: Like, do you know, I want to share something quite
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: personal and a little bit hard for me to share.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I work so hard. I work, I'm writing books, I'm
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: recording podcasts, I'm traveling. My time is so limited, and
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I work really hard to make sure that kids get
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: plenty of me. But I've got a mate who runs
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: a big business. He builds semi trailer trailers, Like he
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: builds the trailers for big trucks, tip of trucks, all
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: that kind of thing. It's a multimillion dollar business. The
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: guy is at work first thing in the morning. He's
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: working with a big crew of guys. Like he works
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: hard as well. But when I talk to him about
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: what he's been up to he's been camping with the kids.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: They're into go karting and so they're up and down
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: the Queensland coast in it in New South Wales regularly
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: for all their go karting competitions. They're out in the
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: shed building go karts together. He's teaching the kids how
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: to do the mechanics and change the tires and do
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: all that sort of stuff. Every time I talk to Chris.
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  Speaker 1: Every time I talk to Chris, he inspires me to
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: be a better parent. He inspires me to book something
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: in with the children and spend time with them do
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: things that are valuable.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: You forgot to add that he's about twenty years younger
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: than you as an he.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: No, he's only about this is the his kids are
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: younger than ours. But yeah, he's only a few years younger.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: He's just he's such a great model of what it
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: is to be a connected, engaged father.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: So you can't use old age as no.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: No, I can't. But this is the point. This is
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: why I added it. I actually wanted to make a
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: special mention to Chris. I'll have to mention that he's
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: in the pod today because I love hearing about what
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: Chris does and what he and the kids get up to.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: And when dads can be involved with other dads who
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: are talking about those kinds of things, it just changes
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: the nature of their relationships. They get more involved. Once again, though,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: I'm going to come back to appreciation, he is probably
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: doing stuff. I hope he's doing stuff. Let's acknowledge the
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: stuff that he is doing and try and build on it.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Go with slow success. The reality is, I actually think
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: most parents really do want to be good parents. Sometimes
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: they just need an invitation, They need some appreciation, or
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: they need a pathway that doesn't feel overwhelming. They don't
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: need judgment, criticism, need modeling, and they need collaboration. And
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: hopefully these ideas, these gentle approaches can create much bigger
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: transformations than the confrontational you need to pull up your
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: socks buddy approach. The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by
• 15:15
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• 15:18
  Speaker 1: admin and other support. If you'd like more information about
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: making your family happier, you'll find info on resources at
• 15:25
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