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Turn On The News: They're Eating The Dogs · Donald Drumpf Theatre radio show

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_03: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin direct via
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_03: satellite from our on-the-spot task force.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_03: No sports, no rock, no information.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_03: For mindless chatter, we're your station.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_03: Stand by for news.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: News on the mark.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_03: Newsroom in New York.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: You have tuned in Turn on the News,
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_03: the weekly newscast from the radio network,
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: with all the radio coverage of the radio.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: Now with computerized news readers,
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_03: with fewer meddling humans,
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_03: and more aggregated reporting and automated music.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: Tune in Turn on the News each week for the latest news,
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: radio art,
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_03: and more from our robot reporters,
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: making sure you hear both sides good and evil every time you turn on the news.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_02: It's why the world has to have some faith.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: With all the ways of communicating, it can't get in touch with who it hated.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: Why does everything have to be so weird?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: These are dangerous times.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_03: Something terrible is going to happen.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_03: In Springfield, in Springfield, they're eating the dogs, the people that came in.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the cats.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating...
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the pets of the people that live there.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: And the governor of West Virginia, Virginia, one of the states was allowing abortion.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: He was allowing abortion in the 19th year of pregnancy.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what the Democrats want.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_03: It's a horrible thing.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_03: We gave it to the states.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: We gave it to the states.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: That's what the states wanted.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody was asking for it.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: We gave it to the states.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_03: And now what she wants to do is she wants to go into prisons and force people to
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: eat their pets while doing trans surgeries on the pets with illegal aliens watching
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_03: and filming it for OnlyFans.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: That's what she wants to do, but we're not doing it.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: And we have—no, do I have a plan?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_03: No, I have an idea for a concept of a plan.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_03: We have an outline of a concept of an idea for organizing a plan.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_03: She has no plans.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_03: We have all the plans.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: And Putin said to me, he said, she's a nasty person, and it's a horrible thing what she's doing.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_03: Our economy is losing.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: We're losing money.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_03: I think I'm losing brain cells.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: I just peed my pants.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_03: I'm pretty sure I'm having a stroke.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's called heart attack.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: I have a lot of doctors in my family, and I think it's called a heart attack.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: And basically, if we elect Hunter Biden again, we're going to lose the country.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to lose the country.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Hunter Biden is corrupt as the day is long.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I have a concept of a diaper that's full of shit right now because this black...
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: Or Indian or black.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe she's black.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: We don't know.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_03: She can be whatever she wants.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_03: But the point is, we have to elect me.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_03: And we had the greatest economy in the history.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_03: And we're losing people.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_03: People are dying.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_03: People are dying every hour because of what they're saying.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_03: She's killing somebody on the stage right now.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_03: And his name is Donald Trump.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_03: And I think I'm having a heart attack.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: And the drugs are wearing off.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm going to start to...
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_03: slur a little bit because we're so we're this is bad and I think I'm gonna lose
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_03: this election and uh we're gonna have to do another January 6th and this time it's
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_03: gonna be bad and Ashley Babbitt and Roger Rabbit and all these other people and
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's a bad thing,
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_03: and she's a nasty woman,
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_03: and crooked Hillary,
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_03: and Ronald Reagan,
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_03: and I'm better than Lincoln,
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_03: and I think I just died,
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_03: and I'm going to heaven.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_03: Why is heaven... Heaven is hotter than I thought.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_03: There's a lot of flames.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_03: There's my buddy Jeff Epstein.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, I'm seeing... Bye-bye.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: Vice President Kamala Harris versus former President Donald Trump.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: It was like watching the Lorax debate the Grinch.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala versus the Tromala.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_03: Donald versus his own mouth.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_03: We are still buzzing after the Lincoln dumbass debate.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala Harris and Donald Trump took to the debate stage to make their cases to Taylor Allison Swift.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_03: and whoever else happened to be watching.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: The second presidential debate has just wrapped up.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: Well, technically, I guess this is the second presidential debate.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_03: The first presidential debate of this matchup.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: I can't wait to see who the winner will take on next.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: Biden and Trump did not greet each other.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: And Kamala, oh wait, she went for the handshake, ladies and gentlemen.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: She just walked up and grabbed him by the hand.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_03: When you're a star, they let you do it.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: What an incredible display of the awkward tension that happens when your son is
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_03: dating a biracial girl and you meet her parents for the first time.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: The first question is,
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_03: when it comes to the economy,
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_03: do you believe Americans are better off than they were four years ago?
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: I imagine and have actually a plan to build what I call an opportunity economy.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_03: My plan is to give a $50,000 tax deduction to start up small businesses.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: I intend on extending a tax cut for those families of $6,000.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: We have millions of people pouring into our country from prisons and jails,
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_03: from mental institutions and insane asylums.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_03: They're dangerous.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_03: They're at the highest level of criminality.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_03: They are taking over the towns.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: They're taking over buildings.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: They're going in violently.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, we put the spring in Springfield.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to invite you to attend one of Donald Trump's rallies.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_03: He will talk about windmills cause cancer
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: And what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early,
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: out of exhaustion and boredom.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Harris tries to bait the former president.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: He can be rattled.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: The challenge for Kamala Harris will be to bait Trump without getting baited herself.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_03: He's incapable of not taking the bait.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: Taking the bait from her on that.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: There are certain things that you could bait him into obsessing over.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_03: I think what he can't do is allow her to try and bait him in.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_03: I think he shouldn't take the bait.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_03: There's going to be a lot of bait, and you don't want to take any of it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_03: My advice is don't take the bait.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: The question is about why you killed the bipartisan immigration bill.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: You don't need to think about the bill?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_03: First let me respond as to the rallies.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: She said people start leaving.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: People don't go to her rallies.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_03: Son of a bitch!
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_03: People don't leave my rallies.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_03: We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: Our country is being lost.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: We're a failing nation.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_03: In Springfield, they're eating the dogs, the people that came in.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating the cats.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating... They're eating the pets of the people that live there.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_03: What the fuck just happened?
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_03: I get these unbelievable rallies.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_03: People don't leave them.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_03: They're eating dogs!
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: Springfield, the immigrants are eating people's dogs!
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: I just want to clarify here,
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_03: you bring up Springfield,
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: and ABC News did reach out to the city manager there.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: He told us there had been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed,
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: injured,
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: or abused by individuals within the immigrant community.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I've seen people on television.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: Let me just say here, this is the- The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: So maybe he said that, and maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not taking this from television.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_03: But the people on television are saying their dog was eaten by the people that went there.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: Again, the Springfield City Manager says there's no evidence of that.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: I saw on television.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: No, I saw on television.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's crazy what they're doing.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: On television, there's this one town where they make the dogs do all the work.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: They are the police, the fire department, everything.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: Little puppies.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_03: They got these little puppies, folks.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: No, I saw it.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: They call them the Paw Patrol, and their boss is a little boy.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: And it's so sad.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm telling you.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: You know.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: You saw.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, man.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone, come on.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_03: Folks, our dogs are too delicious, and Kamala, she had four years to change that, but she did nothing.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna create a task force on day one to cover all of our dogs in Vegemite nasty stuff.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna make our dogs taste bad, and we'll do it easily.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: A quick reminder to all the pet owners out there.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: Always remember to leash your dogs.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's an important way to keep your dogs from fighting other dogs or being hit by a
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: car or being eaten by your immigrant neighbors.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: Amazing.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, all she did was make one comment about his rallies being boring.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: And this is true.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: We counted it.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_03: Within 90 seconds, he was screaming, they're eating the dogs.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: Now,
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: if you were one of the many people last night wondering why Trump was shouting,
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_03: they're eating the dogs!
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: Let me explain.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_03: It started with a random Facebook post where someone accused a Haitian immigrant of
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: stealing and eating their neighbor's daughter's friend's cat.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: And if there's one thing we know about Facebook posts, it's that they're always rigorously fact-checked.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: But as with any unfounded rumor on Facebook,
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: obviously this got picked up by the right-wing establishment and spread across the internet.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: Even J.D.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: Vance promoted it while simultaneously acknowledging it was completely unfounded.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: You might say he jumped in the misinformation pool, but kept his shirt on.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: Which brings us to last night.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_03: If there's one thing we know about a racist conspiracy theory,
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: it's that Donald Trump's brain will swallow it whole like a hungry immigrant at Petco.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: And that's how a random Facebook post turned into Donald Trump's campaign slogan,
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: they're eating cats and dogs!
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: Trump's own running mate, J.D.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: Vance, is the main source of this nonsense.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: He's been talking about this in speeches.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_03: He's been posting about this as much as he can.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: The city of Springfield says there have been no credible reports of Haitians eating pets.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: But J.D.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: Vance, who wants to be vice president of the United States, keeps bringing it up.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_03: When CNN asked Vance's office why he is pushing such a blatant lie,
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: they said,
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_03: Senator Vance has received a high volume of calls and emails over the past several
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: weeks from concerned citizens in Springfield.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_03: His tweet is based on what he is hearing from them.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: And by the way, Trump was fact-checked multiple times last night, and Harris wasn't fact-checked at all.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: And yes,
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: there are absolutely things you can quibble with from Harris,
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: but it's one thing to fact-check someone on the granular nature of their position
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_03: on fracking.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_03: It's another to say, no, people aren't eating dogs.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_03: What does it say about our politics?
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: The media talks about one of our two major presidential candidates like he's an
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: iguana in a BBC nature documentary.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_03: The iguana must remain still in order to avoid the venomous snakes,
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_03: but the snakes have learned to bait the iguana by talking about his dwindling crowd sizes.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_03: So that was the plan going in,
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_03: bait Trump,
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_03: get in his head,
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: and Harris put the plan into action immediately the moment they walked on stage.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump left us the worst unemployment since the Great Depression.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump left us the worst public health epidemic in a century.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump left us the worst attack on our democracy since the Civil War.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: How much was Donald Trump missing Joe Biden last night?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_03: Trump was probably seeing Biden's face on Harris' body the way starving people in
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_03: cartoons see turkey legs.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: So,
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: Trump couldn't land a punch when it came to Harris' economic plan,
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: but then he had a chance to discuss his own agenda.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: He got a big, fat softball lobbed right over the plate about healthcare.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: Republicans wanted him to focus on policy.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_03: This was his chance.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_03: He's been talking about repealing Obamacare for nine years.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: Since 2015, surely, by now, he has a plan to replace it, right?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: So tonight, nine years after you first started running, do you have a plan?
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: And can you tell us what it is?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_03: Obamacare was lousy health care.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: Always was.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_03: It's not very good today.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: And what I said,
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_03: that if we come up with something and we are working on things,
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: we're going to do it and we're going to replace it.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_03: So just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan?
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_03: I have concepts of a plan.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_03: Concepts of a plan.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: Concepts of a plan is not a plan.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: Concepts of a plan is an OK title for a jazz album.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: After nine years, you have concepts of a plan?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_03: If nothing else, that proves that Trump was a contractor in New York City.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I got concepts of a plan.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_03: First, we're gonna knock out this wall.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna leave a bunch of buckets everywhere.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_03: We'll be back in six months.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_03: You've had nine years to come up with a plan.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: That's an eternity.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_03: So Trump says he only has concepts of a plan for healthcare.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_03: Now, you know and I know there is no plan and there are no concepts.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: But he said it, so it's fair to ask when we might see.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: The framework for this imaginary plan became panicked,
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_03: was asked that question on CNN,
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_03: and the mystery only deepened.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: I do want to ask you about his concept of a plan on healthcare.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_03: He said you'll be hearing about it in the not-too-distant future.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_03: When are we going to be hearing about that concept of a plan?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: Well, as he said, in the not-too-distant future.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And President Trump's health care plan can be summarized best by...
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't have a date for you this morning,
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: John,
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: but I'll definitely get back to you with one as soon as I can.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_03: And if I can't get you a date, at the very least, I can get you the concept of a date.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: Say soonuary whenth.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_03: So just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: I have concepts of a plan.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: We have no choice but to absolutely repeal, replace Obamacare.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_03: And we're going to come up with a much better plan.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to come up with a great, great health plan.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_03: And this is a great plan.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: I actually think it will get even better.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: But very importantly, it's a great plan.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_03: Wait till you see the plans we have coming out literally over the next four weeks.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_03: We have a plan coming out, an additional plan coming out in a very short period of time.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to have fantastic health care, and the plan is coming out over the next four weeks.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: We already have the concept of the plan, and it'll be much better health care.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: First you have to tell people what the plan is.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, we'll be announcing that in about two months.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_03: We're signing a health care plan within two weeks.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_02: Nine years after you first started running, do you have a plan, and can you tell us what it is?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: Obamacare was lousy health care.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: So just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan?
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_03: I have concepts of a plan.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: You have said,
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: quote,
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_03: you lost by a whisker,
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: that you,
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: quote,
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: didn't quite make it,
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_03: that you came up a little bit short.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_03: I said that?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, but you can't... You can't believe a thing I say.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm crazy.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody knows that.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm the Hannibal Lecter whale guy.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_03: Immigrants are taking our cats and giving them operations to turn them into dogs
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: and then eating the dogs.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_03: Well, then...
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: Harris basically told Trump, dude, nobody likes you.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_03: World leaders are laughing at Donald Trump.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_03: I have talked with military leaders, some of whom worked with you, and they say you're a disgrace.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_03: And when you then talk in this way in a presidential debate and deny what over and
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_03: over again are court cases you have lost because you did,
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_03: in fact,
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_02: lose that election,
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_02: it leads one to believe that perhaps we do not have in the candidate to my right
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: the temperament
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_02: or the ability to not be confused about fact.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_03: Victor Orban said it.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: He said the most respected, most feared person is Donald Trump.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_03: We had no problems when Trump was president.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: It's not fantastic when your character reference is an Eastern European strongman.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: Mussolini loves me, Stalin.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_03: Gargamel, the guy from Minions movie, Captain Hook.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_03: Captain Hook loves me.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_03: He's going to get that Peter Pan and that Tinkerbell, I tell you.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_03: You know, in the 80s, I dated Tinkerbell for a while.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_03: When we were at Studio 54, that wasn't fairy dust that was sprinkled on the bathroom counter.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_03: The other stupid and racist thing Trump keeps doing is intentionally mispronouncing Kamala's name.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes it's Kamala, sometimes it's Kamala, and sometimes it goes with both.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_03: I say Kamala.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: You say Kamala.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_03: I say Kamala.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_03: When you say Kamala.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: Kamala.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_03: let's call the whole thing off thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_03: thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you you're welcome you're welcome
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: you're welcome how is it possible that half of this country thinks it's a good idea
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_03: to give the guy who tried to overthrow our government another chance to run our
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: government like if someone poisoned all the jalapeno poppers at tgi fridays you
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_03: wouldn't interview him to be the chef
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_03: Mr. President, on January 6th, you told your supporters to march to the Capitol.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: You said you would be right there with them.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_03: Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day?
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: It wasn't done by me.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: It was done by others.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_03: It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_03: I wasn't responsible for security.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_03: Nancy Pelosi was responsible.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: She didn't do her job.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_03: I had nothing to do with that other than they asked me to make a speech.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_03: I showed up for a speech.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_03: You spent two months riling up your base that our country had literally been stolen
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_03: from them through fraudulent means,
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_03: that you could never even get a whiff of in a court of law.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_03: And let yourself just abuse them.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_03: You pressed on.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_03: You abused their trust.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: You showed up for a speech.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_03: You fucking tweeted, join me on January 6th.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_03: It will be wild.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: But suddenly now, I was just a hired magician to the bar mitzvah.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't do anything.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_03: I showed up with a hat and a rabbit and then the whole party went out of control.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_03: And this is it, ladies and gentlemen.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if this debate's going to change anything.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: I really don't.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_03: People are awfully set in the manner that they view these proceedings.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_03: What I think is a home run answer for one candidate,
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_03: someone else views as a dodge or a lie or any of those other things.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_03: In some ways, it doesn't matter what they say anymore.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_03: But one thing will always be true, and it is the quality of the former president I respect the least.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_03: Whenever he is cornered and forced to face even the smallest of consequences for
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_03: his own mendacity and scheming,
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_03: he reverts to the greatest refuge of scoundrels,
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_03: as Shaggy would say,
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: it wasn't me.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: I did nothing wrong.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_03: I just showed up.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_03: They're the ones who went crazy.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: This man,
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_03: who constantly professes to be your champion,
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_03: who says they're going to have to go through him to get to you,
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_03: will always,
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_03: when the boat is going down,
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_03: be the first into the lifeboats,
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_03: because in that moment,
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: he will always say the same thing.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know anything about it.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: I was just told to show up for a cruise,
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: even though everybody knows he was the fucking captain of the ship in any other country.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_03: That laugh.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: In any other country... In any other country, that lack of accountability would be disqualifying.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_03: But in this country, it means the race is tighter than a... Would you excuse me for just one second?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: Usually, when Donald Trump gets a spanking like this from a woman, it's with a Forbes magazine.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_03: What a...
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: Trump had a rough performance.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_03: But you know what?
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_03: That's just my opinion.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_03: You could also tell that Donald Trump was the loser because he did all the things
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_03: losers do when they lose.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: Number one, complaining about the refs.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_03: I thought they were very unfair, the moderators.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody did.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_03: I thought it was terrible from the standpoint of ABC.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: It was three to one.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: It was a rigged deal,
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: as I assumed it would be,
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: because when you looked at the fact that they were correcting everything...
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_03: and not correcting with her.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, man.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_03: They were correcting you because of the things you were saying.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_03: That's barely fact-checking.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_03: The moderators were reacting like normal human beings react when you hear the
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_03: craziest shit you've ever heard.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_03: Like,
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_03: if you were at a cocktail party and your friend said,
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_03: trans immigrants are eating dogs in Ohio,
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_03: you would say,
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: what the are you talking about,
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_03: Stu?
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_03: No, they aren't.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_03: You wouldn't be like, okay, thank you for that.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: Let's move on to foreign policy.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_03: You know what?
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_03: It wasn't just blaming the refs.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_03: Another way you know Trump lost is that he was accusing his opponent of cheating.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_03: They had a rigged show with somebody that maybe even had the answers.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I'll be honest.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_03: I watched her talk, and I said, you know, she seems awfully familiar with the questions.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, okay.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: You think she was cheating because she seemed familiar with the questions?
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_03: It's a presidential debate.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_03: They always ask the same questions.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_03: It's like being suspicious that someone knows all the words to take me out to the ball game.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_03: How will you fix the economy?
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: What's your stance on abortion?
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_03: Do you promise not to overthrow the government?
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_03: Standard boilerplate debate questions.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: Some of these nuts who worship him are saying she was wearing special Bluetooth
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: earrings that allowed her staff to feed her information during the debate.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_03: Or it could be,
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_03: and I don't know if you ever thought about this,
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_03: maybe the reason he lost the debate is because he was the only candidate who
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: claimed foreigners are getting meals delivered by Petco in Ohio.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_03: I think the whole debate can be summed up by this MSNBC report.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: Trump campaign officials are upset at ABC News for fact checking that migrants are
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_03: not eating dogs in Ohio.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_03: Well, yeah, I can imagine.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: I can imagine.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: I can imagine that his campaign is pretty upset because while migrants may not be
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: eating dogs with his debate performance,
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_03: tonight Trump did eat a Philly turd steak.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: But maybe the best way you know Trump lost the debate is that he repeatedly insisted he won.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_03: I think it was the best debate I've ever personally that I've had.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_03: We're getting polls that show 92 to 6, 88 to
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_03: to 11.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_03: Every single poll last night had me winning like 90 to 10.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_03: We had C-SPAN.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_03: At one point it was at 80 to 20.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_03: We looked at one poll, it was 92 to 7.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: We had a 92% rating in one poll.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_03: We had an 86% rating in another.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_03: We had 77%.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: 90%, 60%, 72%, 71%, and 89%.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: Wow!
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_03: Those certainly were numbers.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: Is this what Trump did during his debate prep?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_03: Memorize all the numbers between 70 and 98?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_03: This has just been a day of pathetic, desperate spinning.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_03: I mean,
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_03: imagine if Donald Trump spent all that energy on doing things correctly instead of
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_03: pretending he did things correctly.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_03: If he had worked harder preparing for the debate,
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_03: maybe he wouldn't have had to pretend he won the debate.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_03: If he had worked harder to win in 2020, maybe he wouldn't have to pretend the election was rigged.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_03: And if he had worked harder on January 6th,
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_03: maybe he could have overthrown the government and wouldn't have to be debating in
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_03: the first place.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_03: It's called work ethics!
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_03: Donald, come on!
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: I can't believe I have to remind some people of this, but Donald Trump's presidency did not end well.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_03: Just in case you need it, here's a quick refresher.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_03: This shouldn't take too long.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_03: Donald Trump was the first president since Herbert Herbert to oversee a net job loss.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_03: Unemployment soared and the economy shrank by more than 3%.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: Corporate profits went up while manufacturing jobs declined.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_03: Home prices soared by nearly 30%.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_03: The national debt rose by nearly a trillion.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_03: Crime spiked.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_03: The number of Americans without health insurance rose by 3 million,
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_03: and the number of presidents who have humped American flags went from zero to one.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_03: He undercut the nation's response to a deadly pandemic that spiraled out of control
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_03: because he ignored warnings about it,
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: lied about its severity,
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_03: disbanded agencies that were tasked with preparing for it,
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_03: promoted sham treatments for it,
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_03: said we could stop it by injecting disinfectant,
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_03: and promoted a quack doctor who believes demon sperm is real.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_03: Insulted service members and feuded with Gold Star families,
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_03: saluted the North Korean general,
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_03: got reprimanded by the army for desecrating
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_03: Arlington National Cemetery in violation of federal law and made the Queen of England disappear.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_03: Said he had the best memory in the world, then forgot he said he had the best memory in the world.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_03: Got laughed at by the United Nations, including the Germans.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_03: Got impeached for threatening to withhold military aid from Ukraine and encourage
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_03: Russia to interfere in our elections.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_03: He doctored a weather map with a sharpie to lie about the path of a hurricane.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_03: Threw paper towels at hurricane victims.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_03: Called Hannibal Lecter, his wonderful man.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_03: A chief of staff called him an idiot.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_03: His national security advisor called him a dope.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_03: His secretary of state called him a moron.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_03: He got on a plane with toilet paper stuck to his shoe and didn't know how to close an umbrella.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_03: He took millions of foreign officials,
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_03: including a possible $10 million bribe from media,
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_03: and brushed dandruff off the shoulder of the president of France.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_03: He staged a months-long coup d'etat,
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_03: stoked a violent insurrection,
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_03: tried to coerce Republican officials into overturning the election,
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_03: claimed dead people were voting,
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: and Democrats were selling mail bags to dogs that got impeached a second time.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_03: He brought a crazy pillow salesman to the White House,
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_03: and his lawyer gave a press conference to the landscaping company.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_03: He lost the popular vote twice,
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_03: got indicted four times,
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_03: and convicted of 34 felonies,
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_03: counts as false,
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_03: tried to eviscerate,
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_03: and pay a hush money to porn stars.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_03: He said he spanked them in the after-reports magazine.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_03: He was found guilty of fraud in libel and sex abuse,
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_03: possibly fired indefinitely,
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_03: fell asleep in court,
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_03: bragged about overturning the Republican Party.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_03: said he was against the Florida abortion ban,
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: then he was against the Florida abortion ban,
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_03: called the CEO of Apple,
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_03: Tim Apple,
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: called Elon Musk,
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: Leon Musk,
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_03: said Nikki Haley was the Speaker of the House of Representatives,
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_03: claimed the price of bacon goes up because the windows are below,
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_03: shark attacks are caused by elective program,
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_03: again said Hamill Lecter was dead and real,
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_03: wonderful,
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_03: even though he's fake and famously bad guy,
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_03: and since he's not weird by saying the word weird 11 times in 30 seconds,
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_03: which is,
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_03: let's admit it's super weird,
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_03: became first president,
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_03: and guys,
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_03: we ran out of time,
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_03: but there were a bunch more things.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_02: it's the end of the world as we know
• 28:58
  We'll be right back.