Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 62: Is It Okay to Acknowledge That Someone Is Attractive?

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62: Is It Okay to Acknowledge That Someone Is Attractive? · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey everybody, we're going to do this episode a little
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  differently. We just had, we had a listener
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  recently reach out with a powerful question.
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  They listened to an episode back.
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  It was episode #46 recorded back in March.
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  And she asked several questions. Let me just tell you about this
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  first one. There was a question was asked,
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  where does the 3 second rule fit into the brain sexual response
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  cycle? I really appreciated her and her
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  partner bringing up some questions.
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  I guess they listen to the podcast and I got their
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  permission. They said we could bring these
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  three questions in because I think, frankly, a lot of people
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  are going to be thinking some of the same things they're asking,
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  specifically the betrayed partner.
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  So let's jump into some of those questions.
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  I'm excited to talk about it. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
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  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
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  I'm thrilled to have you join me in the space today.
• 0:52
  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
• 0:55
  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
• 0:58
  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
• 1:00
  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
• 1:03
  commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
• 1:06
  that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
• 1:09
  time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this.
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  What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
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  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
• 1:18
  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
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  Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
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  immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
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  Let's get started. All right, so let's just give a
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  quick recap of the episode #46 so feel free to pause and jump
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  back to that episode. Skim through in a little bit
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  just so you can catch up because a lot of the details are going
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  to be in there. So I don't know if you'd
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  necessarily be lost if you didn't hear it, if you didn't
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  listen to that episode, but it might be helpful.
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  I don't know. You guys can decide.
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  OK. So the episode was called The
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  Neuroscience of Sexual Response from noticing to obsession.
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  So we explored how the brain responds to sexual things, to
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  sexual stimuli through 6 distinct stages.
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  So let me just briefly touch on those.
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  So stage #1 stimulus slash perception.
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  So this is where the brain automatically notices someone.
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  OK, Stage 2, awareness and acknowledgement, This is where
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  you, where your conscious mind weighs in.
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  OK, we become conscious of that automatic response.
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  Then you have stage 3, which is interesting engagement.
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  This is where dopamine starts to kick in.
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  All right, This is the reward system starts to activate.
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  Then you have fantasy, which is where imagination and
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  storytelling, this is where it starts to happen.
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  Then stage #5 which is fixation. This is where the patterns
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  become when we use the word habits, which is where it starts
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  to get ingrained into our brain. All right.
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  Then you have stage 6, which is acting out.
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  This is where the behavior overrides the consequences.
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  This is where we are going to have the dopamine reward system
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  get hijacked. And So what we want to just
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  highlight in this episode is noticing isn't a failure, but
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  what happens next is where recovery is really going to
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  begin or it's going to break down.
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  OK, so now we can get into the questions that were asked.
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  And just, I guess a big thanks for the for the questions that
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  you guys engage us with because we're going to go any direction
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  that you want to go. Just whenever you pose the
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  question, we can get to what you want to talk about.
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  OK so first question that was asked was how quickly can
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  someone go through the 1st 4 stages from noticing to fantasy?
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  OK so that's a good question. How fast does this happen?
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  Honestly, it can happen in seconds, moments, stages, one
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  through 4, noticing the fantasy. So for someone with a history of
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  like compulsive behavior, these pathways, they're often like
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  they're so well rehearsed. The brain is trained to move so
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  fast from a visual trigger into internal fantasy, so before the
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  conscious mind even realizes what's happening.
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  So stage one, this is automatic. It's just how your brain filters
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  sensory input. Stage #2 is where we become more
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  aware of what we saw. Stage #3 is when dopamine starts
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  whispering that like the hey, this feels good.
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  And stage 4 is when that default mode network takes over and it
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  pulls in memory and the imagination and the desire.
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  But here's the hopeful part, right?
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  With practice, we can slow this down South.
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  Mindfulness, breath, body awareness, Those are the tools
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  that are going to strengthen our brains ability to pause and
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  choose a different response. So if we just notice that like
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  stage one on four can happen in moments.
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  But once I'll refer to the men that I work with, once the men
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  that I work with start to notice what's happening inside their
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  body and not shame themselves for it, they develop greater
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  awareness. So these stages, one through 4
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  slow down and they start to be able to disrupt the pattern.
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  Let's go to their second question.
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  OK, The second question was where does the 3 second rule fit
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  into the model? So the three second rule, which
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  many men are taught early in recovery, it goes like this.
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  All right, so first notice someone that you felt pull
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  towards attracted to, and then look away and shift the focus.
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  And then third, ground yourself. And you can do that many
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  different ways. Ground yourself through prayer
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  for affirmation, reminding of your values.
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  So the thing I want to highlight is is when we just notice, like
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  if all we do is just pull in the three second rule and go, I just
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  need to balance my eyes. I just want to look away that
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  this 3 second rule can be a really triggering conversation
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  for a partner, for a betrayed partner.
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  It's like, wow, you're just going to get your fix for three
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  seconds. You're just going to use that to
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  take in everything that you can see.
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  That's not what the three second rule is designed for.
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  It's not a solution to the problem.
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  It's not it, it's not the tool that fixes things, right?
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  It's made to create awareness so that 3 second rule is happening
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  between stages 1 and 2. That's the moment after
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  automatic noticing and just before your brain starts to
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  evaluate and attach and create a mental loop.
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  This is where the prefrontal cortex gets a chance to speak up
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  and bring awareness and redirect the attention and reconnect to
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  values. All right, so rather than just
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  feeding the fantasy or sliding towards obsession, that 3 second
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  rule is going to give you a window to choose like that
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  groundedness so you can choose not leaning that compulsive
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  behavior. So this isn't going to be about
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  pretending like you didn't notice somebody.
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  It's about like what you do with that moment.
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  And there's so much shame tied into this because it's like I
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  don't want to notice somebody and a big part of it is because
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  I don't want to have a conversation later with my
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  partner about the pain. But we're just going to try to
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  not create shame in that experience of what is the actual
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  3 second rule for what is the model all about.
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  We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
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  I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up at
• 7:22
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• 7:26
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• 8:20
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• 8:23
  notes to learn more and to register.
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  Let's get back to our episode. So the third question, Is it OK
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  to acknowledge that someone is attractive?
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  OK, This one when I got the question, like so many emotions
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  because I'm like, oh, this is such an important question and
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  so heavy, so many triggers around this dialogue, right?
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  Because I kind of hate the word attractive because there's like
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  definition to the word attractive.
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  Like what do you mean when you say attractive?
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  What does attractive mean to you?
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  Because I think there's a level of attractive that matters.
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  OK, I have notes here that I always follow along with.
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  I'm going to get off my notes here for a second.
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  I think about the way if we give it textbook, which is not fair.
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  The difference between a woman's brain and a man's brain.
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  A man's brain, he's queued up by visual stimuli, visually see it.
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  Women, it can often be again, more textbook.
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  It's more of emotional, right? It's like sex.
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  It's like I've heard before, I want to be touched and talked
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  into sex. That's when my body's going to
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  respond with talk and connection.
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  Or men, it's like see, and then there's the visual, then there's
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  arousal. So it's different, so
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  attractive. The word itself can be different
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  for both people because of visual versus emotional, right?
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  So when we hear somebody say, is it OK to acknowledge that
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  someone is attractive, we kind of start off by going like,
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  wait, let's define attractive. We're talking about emotionally
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  drawn and tied to them or visually visual stimulation.
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  Hopefully that made sense. Got off my notes a little bit
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  there. So first of all, I'm just going
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  to say it. Yes, let's normalize this
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  attraction. That is not the problem, OK?
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  It's part of being human. What matters is what we do with
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  that awareness. Now, I hope I've held onto you
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  through that saying that I hope that if you're the betrayed
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  partner with all the hurt that's just tied into what I said, I
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  hope there's a hanging on to this part.
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  So let me just say that again, let's normalize that Attraction
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  is not the problem. It's that's a part of being
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  human, which is our bodies being able to respond to what it's
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  aware, but we have a responsibility to do something
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  with it. So this is what we would call a
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  stage two response. Stage 2 is awareness and
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  acknowledgement. So you noticed, you named and
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  you didn't feed it, right? So if you say I noticed, I
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  acknowledge that I moved on. That's not failure, that's self
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  regulation. OK, Now I think I kind of want
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  to just say the word that gets in the way is attraction,
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  because I can feel like a deep level of being drawn towards
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  somebody rather than the word noticing.
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  OK, so I'm going to stop talking about that part.
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  So again, that's not failure, that's self regulation.
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  There's some strength in that. There's some recovery in that.
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  Where it gets risky is when that acknowledgement turns into like
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  a narrative. All right, So that narrative
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  turns into fantasy. And I think for so often and
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  betrayed partners, I wish you were here and you could just
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  tell me how it is for you instead of me sounding like I'm
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  putting something on you, that this is your experience.
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  But the narrative turning into the fantasy, this is often where
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  I hear the betrayed partners thinks that it begins.
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  It just starts with fantasy, but it can go fast, right?
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  But depending on where the guy's at in his recovery or the person
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  is in their recovery. But if you're staying anchored
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  and if you're breathing this thing out, you're able to return
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  to your values. And that's the brain doing his
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  job. And it's something the recovery
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  consists of. What I love about what the
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  listener's message is, is about curiosity.
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  So they weren't just asking for a role, they were asking to
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  understand. And so just want to acknowledge
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  that listener. So thank you so much for that
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  language that can help you talk about this in your relationship.
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  Because I recognize you guys are tackling something so hard.
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  And I hope that I hope that when the process is being driven here
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  from understanding his sexual response, he's the person that's
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  showing up in your world, helping provide openness and
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  clarity about that. Oh my goodness, that's so many
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  triggers. Because if he's not feels like
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  goodness. So you know, if you're if you're
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  listening and you're the person who did the betraying,
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  understand your sexual response so you can be able to share with
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  your partner and what it looks like when they're ready.
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  Don't just put it on. They're going to be able to
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  advocate for themselves the appropriate timing of that.
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  But I recognize a lot of partners are like, just give me
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  the truth. Just let me know what it looks
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  like. Stop protecting me from pain.
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  So, so hey, just maybe an invitation or just the value of
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  these questions. Have you got questions like
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  these if you're wondering about attraction fantasy or how your
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  brain reacts to something? And if you're open to sharing
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  your question, just anonymously paraphrase it.
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  Just let us know the theme. We're open to like wrestling
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  with that on this podcast. And also I'm often bringing in
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  listeners that have the betrayed perspective because they've been
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  betrayed and we get their expertise and perspective.
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  So anyway, it's good to spend time with you.
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  Thanks for the engagement. Looking forward to talk to you
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  next time. See ya.
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  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
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  If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
• 13:49
  with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
• 13:51
  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes.
• 13:55
  And there what we can do is set up a quick conversation.
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  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
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  unmask the authentic self.