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StarGasm - Episode 1: The Ewok Menace · Multiple Nerdgasm

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welcome listeners to another special game thingy that we're going to do is
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that what we're calling them yeah well we uh I think did we mention on the show
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that we might do this or I someone suggested we should do it after we did
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the the other one the fusion no I think I'm not sure if we recorded it but yeah
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we should yeah I think it's something we should try it was definitely requested
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by at least a couple of listeners absolutely uh so what we're going to do
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here to celebrate the release of Rise of Skywalker the completion of the Star
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Wars sorry the Skywalker Saga uh we're just going to do a little Star Wars role
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playing game M if you don't mind listeners I do a bit of Star Wars role
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playing every Saturday night if you know what I mean I do and I've asked you to stop
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breaking into my house yeah your father asked me to give you this when you were old
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enough your uncle wouldn't allow
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it yeah my uncle the police
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officer um so this is going to be uh it was suggested and I did think it
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was a fun idea that we could redo episode 8 but I couldn't think of a way
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to do that really because I think it's hard because we're sort of you putting
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you on Rails a bit exactly and uh and and also I was kind of thinking
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hopefully if this is fun maybe this could continue longer than just today so
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I thought okay so we're kind of doing our own thing and so I asked you guys
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for some UT and uh you guys uh what we've come up with for you guys for
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listeners you two will be playing two rookie Stormtroopers and this is going to be
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set in between episodes four no episodes three and four so uh the Empire has been
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formed the order 66 has been initiated and the Jedi are being hunted
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down and uh presumably during this period they're starting to recruit real
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people into the uh Into the Storm Troop because as far as I'm a way you're not
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clones but uh you are allowed to come up with your own characters and I uh I'm
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happy for you guys to do whatever the hell you want as far as characters go
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Luke do you uh do you have any information about your character do you my name
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Luke okay Luke with two 's so you're a clone
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yes no I'm not a clone though wasn't Luke the Clone character from the
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Timothy Z's books wasn't there I don't think so a clone
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called Luke l k no okay never mind I'm sure someone will WR in but I'm Luke I'm
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a new recruit to the Imperial Academy MH mhm cuz I decided to join up after I saw
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the great work that the Clones did and now the Clones are going away so I'm
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going to sign up to help the Galaxy all right MH and uh Dan your your character
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yeah my uh my character's name is David Rule and uh
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I'm uh I've also just joined up at the uh Imperial Academy um it was either
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this or just do uh some kind of meaning meaningless job like data entry OR tech
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support So y I figured might as well might as well jump straight into it
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well they have thrown you straight into it uh I'm from alderon by the way if
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anyone's wondering uh long you live
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yeah I'm a I'm a kilan okay yeah okay Coran and I'm going to make a note of that
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actually uh sorry David rule
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from yeah western suburbs of
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alderon and uh Luke ground walk L ground
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flyer ground
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flyer from uh cilia yeah sorry Coria all
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right very good uh so you've joed up and uh things are quite busy now cuz they
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you know they're trying to basically hunt down all the Jedi and take over all
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of the uh systems that aren't complying with the emperor's wishes so they've
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handed you both a pair of shiny new stormtrooper armor oh yeah two these are
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going to reflect anything these are going to keep you safe you're feeling
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very safe and secure inside your shiny armor uh and you've been given two
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standard issue Stormtrooper blasters and you and the rest of your troop have been
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sent sent off to a space station named Zol uh to just look around uh
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investigate rumors of of Jedi in the area and after you arrived filthy Jedi
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they're rats that's what we call them so you guys uh you got they tried to
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destroy the EMP kill the emperor you two have been sent to a Cantina uh to meet with an
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informant uh and you you haven't been told who the informant is but you've
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been told that they'll they'll contact you when you get there you guys do kind
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of stand out so yeah yeah yeah so all you've got on you is uh you've got your
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your blasters uh and then you've got your uh you got some little backpacks in
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which you've got some Imperial propaganda that uh did say that some f
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out yeah and some posters to pop up uh and so if you I don't know you guys can
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feel free to you know yeah they gave you some leeway to make your own kind of
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your own kind of propaganda materials so yeah yeah I've got a great one cuz
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actually we we need men but what we really need is droids so I've got this
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great poster that's just Darth Vader pointing and it says are you the droids we're looking
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for I popping one up you see there unit R yeah yeah and he he rolls past he kind
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of stops and he goes like comes over like kind of scans the poster and then
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he's like little head spins around in a circle and he makes some excited beeping
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noises and rushes off uh in the direction of the Recruitment Center
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yeah beeping noises because um this is censored he actually just [ __ ] swore like a
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sailor and so you approach the Cantina uh the door slides open and uh basically
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all the noise inside stops and everyone looks over at you too and you can see
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it's quite dark inside and Smokey so you can't see a whole lot you
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can see you can make out the bar over on the left side of the room but everyone's
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just kind of looking at you expectantly all right so I'm walking up
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to the bar and I want to ask a bartender a question he says every time people walk
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in here does everyone just go quiet cuz it just seems really
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annoying he says well we don't get uh we don't get Storm Troopers here too often
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uh this is kind of a new thing so oh get used to us there's hundreds of
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us now yes it's uh yes what we're hearing what can what can we do for you
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two couple of drinks I guess to start off
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yeah um yeah I have a krly nail please krly nail yes sure sure pops a and I'll
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have a um I'll have an AB Al around
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bidder oh yeah Subs of all on yeah I've got one I've got that on tap and he
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pulls out good a pint glass uh which schoer for me thanks
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yeah he puts he PS it it's a space schooner actually mhm it's Star Wars
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so could we also get a couple of straws I just remember it's quite hard to drink
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with the helmet to yeah and some peanuts if you don't
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mind sure space peanuts uh he gets those
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Space Nuts Space Nuts yeah pops them up
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Rancor nuts they are yeah just just make a note my my character is just writing
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in a little notebook Space Nuts and giggling to himself and then he Pockets The Notebook
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so he's working he's working on a novel and occasionally he's going to write
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down some some ideas oh okay very good he doesn't want
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to be a storm Tripper his whole life Matt no well who does it's just a it's
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just a a job isn't it but also uh we'd like to start a tab if you could just uh
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create a tab for t246 that would be great
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t246 do you do food here or is is there like is there a kitchen back there can
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we get a sandwich or something um not not here no but there is there's a
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there's a a place nearby um perhaps you finish your drinks I can give you
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directions yeah okay after this we'll go get a bite toat or could could you run
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out and get us something Luke why don't we go there we'll sit down and have a
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meal first and we'll come back here after dinner but we've got to make the
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informant so Bender can you tell the informant to meet us at the diner around
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the corner in woman yeah yeah we don't want to know what he looks like either
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but he'll be in here looking for two storm Trippers so just tell him we're gone to get a
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sandwich he look he looks around the bar and he notices there's like a TW
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gentleman sitting at a table and it looks like he's kind of trying to move
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his arm to get your attention and I I I put my hand up in front of my mouth like
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holding an invisible sandwich and pretend to eat it and then point to the
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door and then I hold up my hand to say 5 minutes 5 minutes just going to get a
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sandwich the the Twilight kind of shrink back in the chair and he goes all right
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and he indicates the bartender yeah all right bring me another one and so I just
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got my drink I don't want to go anywhere you go you if you go next door you get
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me the sandwich I'll wait here drink I'll look after you why don't you call
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the informant over while I go and grab myself a drink a sandwich do you want a
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sandwich as well do you want me to bring something back yeah I have a chicken loaf
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sandwich yep all right I I'll leave the
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bar all right oh no make mine a poloo por Glo
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por yeah all right all right I'm back
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I'm back get in early you guys have separated
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wonderful I've also put a coaster on the lid of your drink just so we know if
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anyone tries to spike it thank you but I've actually spiked it
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myself all right so David r heads out of the uh
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are you a doctor in this as well just so I know I don't want
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to not a not a doctor of medicine no could you be a field medic [ __ ] I can
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dress your wounds if that's what you're asking wink you can't see I'm winking I
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got the helmet [Laughter] on he's just standing there looking
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awkward now yeah cuz you can't tell that he's winking all
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right um so the the Twi fellow hops up and uh he wanders over to the bar and he
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says hello are you uh are you the gentleman I'm supposed to
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see and um maybe who are you supposed to
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see I have information regarding a
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Jedi oh you do that' be great let me get my recorder out um just hit record all
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right what's the information well I've heard that the
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chef at the sandwich shop is a Jedi
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H one of the chefs they've got a couple of chefs you know my my partner David
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just went there you realize oh he called me he's in grave
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danger why didn't you tell us this earlier well I was I trying to I was
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waving at you across the bar didn't you see me anyway this just because of this
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the late information I I'll let you finish and then I'll just tell you
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what's going to happen in return for the info you guys can uh can help me get get
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off this station with uh with MAO if you know what I mean points that he's a dick
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what Chic Caro if the uh you know the Empire could you know turn a blind I I
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just got some uh just some spice and some death sticks and some uh mhm
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wook well he Winks I don't what I don't know what kind of Stormtrooper you think
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I am but I'm here to uphold the Lord of our Galactic Empire and I'm going to
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have to place you under arrest I pull my blaster on him he says no no I'm sorry
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I'm sorry it was just a joke just a joke it was a test it was a test it was I was
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I was I was told to say that by a superior officer it was a test turn
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around handcuffs out he's no no no no no he's he's now actively resisting
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arrest uh and he look I will shoot you he makes a run for it towards the door
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set for stun shoot him in the back all right I want you to roll to see if you
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hit him now the way this is going to work we haven't explained this to the
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listeners yet because I'm bad at this um mhm I don't think I even explained it to
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you yet is no uh I just want you to roll a D6 and the way it's going to work is if it's
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odd you fail if it's even you succeed if it's a six you did really well if it's a
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one you did really [ __ ] that's basically how it's going to
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work two two you succeeded so you have shot him can he also roll to see whether
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he successfully switched it to stun cuz he's got a habit of thinking it's on
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stun when it's not I was going to say if he got a one then no he didn't but I
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think the two the two is done that yeah yeah yeah uh so you have you have
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stunned the twick and he's he's now unconscious on the floor I'll walk over
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handcuff him MH on my radio David I've just arrested our informant he was
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trying to get us to do some smuggling but I've got some information about the
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shift next door um I'm just going to call in reinforc to pick up this guy I'm
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walking over to you now my radio off the bartender a dollar and walk out right
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the bartender says these drinks cost more than a dollar he's gone son of a
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[Laughter]
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[ __ ] all right so David you uh you
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enter the sandwich shop and uh yeah it's a
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Subway yeah it's a space Subway and um a Subway yeah St I'm in the line yeah I I
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have a 6 in meatball on honey oat and uh honey yeah yeah do you have do you have
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POG you have POG Lo there's a the the rodian who's who's the you know the
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first member of staff at the the the
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counter looks you says
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mlan yeah yeah I'll have some mclunky uh but just a little bit Yeah you uh you
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you did you do some foreign language work you know that mclunky is uh is
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rodian for POG flesh so yeah yeah so I get a little
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on both yeah yeah you got the mclunky going on there and then the various
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cheeses yeah yeah I love cheese yeah yeah yeah he he's yeah which one he's
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indicating oh uh sorry the um the GDA
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space GAA yeah space GAA yeah yeah all
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right and he hands the uh hands the sandwich off to the next staff member
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and Ewok who uh who looks up a year who asks me if I want to I want a
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meal I say yeah I just I get that with um the double chalk
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cookie and a and a Diet Coke thanks all
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right um roll a perception check okay so I'm just going to have you roll
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the dice and then you let me know what the number is y sure I got a two you got
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a two all right so that's that success so uh a low success you notice that the
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staff look pretty nervous especially the
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Ewok he does the in particular the Ewok he does look a little nervous she has a
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little bit beat of sweat and
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uh beat sweat running running down his eyes and he blinks but it looks weird
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when he blinks it looks really weird it does it looks like his eyes weren't
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meant to Blink but they are [ __ ] staring at those eyes just knowing
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something's not right just looks really strange and also his mouth is just open
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with like a weird tongue hanging out and like the teeth just kind of stick out
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it's just he's very strange looking yeah so I'm I'm like slowly but obviously
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moving my hand down to my sidearm right and then just before I get to it he
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quickly donks me on the foot and I'm out cold I'm out cold he throws a sandwich
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at your shoe and uh hang on let me
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roll he's rolled a four so he does he he hits you in the foot with a sandwich so
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you go down just just but just before I'm blacking out I all I can see is his
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just little little blinky eyes his little blinky and and then your
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eyes as you as you Fade to Black you see down you see at his belt he's got a
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little lightsaber oh yeah and and just just before I completely black out I I I
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hear I can just hear him go over to the stereo and just put on yub nuub wait what
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you cut out yabn oh yabn sorry didn't hear what you
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said and then love that song reference
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so bad that everyone's just gone sign no the I think the sound cut off all I
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heard you say was he walks over to the stereo and turns it up that's what I
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heard and I was like turn up B Joy yeah
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uh Luke you walk into the subway and you see uh David lying on the floor with it
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covered in Sandwich covered in porg covered in mclunky I should say
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um por AKA porlo uh with a with an Ewok kind of standing over him and Y yub knob
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blaring through the stereo okay
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so um let me just say love the tasty music now could I get another sandwich
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since she's dropped mine the Ewok yeah if you just make me a fresh one I'll
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help him get up and he uh he he nods backs around around the other side of
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the counter and then slowly heads out the back door and you see the rodian
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wait the rodian who was who was there behind the counter starts making you a
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sandwich and he looks and says mlan yeah yeah that'll be fine yeah okay also can
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you we'll get a tab here going as well I'm trying to help David up and I'm ask
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start a tab for t246 yeah I'm start I'm starting to come too yeah you okay oh
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man I I think that I think that Ewok is the guy we're looking for he's either
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got a MAG light or a light saber I couldn't quite see
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which oh he's just run out the back um can you wait here to get my sandwich I'm
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just going to run out and just go grab him and have a chat and I'll be we we'll
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we'll be fine we'll get back we'll go head back to base okay me and the I go
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to me and the Rodi and start cleaning up the the spilled uh ml off the floor M
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mclunky yeah he actually scraping it back into the
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container that was behind the counter yeah I'm eyeing him suspiciously but he
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can't see cuz I the helmet on I walk out the back excuse me Mr Ewok it's just a
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walk he's Japanese walk you walk through the back door and
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you can see there's a there's a couple other staff members back there there's
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like uh a zabra there sweeping up the like mopping the
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floor and uh you see like a Duro there chopping some lettuce and then as
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you glance up you see the the back exit door kind of swinging as if someone's
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just gone gone out of it you know like in the movies yeah um excuse me did the Ewok
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just run through there or the zabra says Ah
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Ewok oh yeah little dude out the front oh didn't didn't see an Ewok sorry mate
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all right well I'm just going to head past uh if you see anything you can just
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call it into the base and we'll we'll we'll get some down here but I'm just
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going to go check and see if you went outside re sure thing mate we'll uh
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we'll call it into the
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base all right so you went around to the back alley uh and you you you it kind of
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runs to the left and to the right uh what what's your what's your gut telling
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you he's gone I'm just going to go back to see
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David all right all right you let the Ewok Get Away by
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now I'm I've fully cleaned up all the mclunky and um I'm handing you a
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sandwich and we're both just chewing on our sandwiches while we have this
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conversation so let how are you eating the sandwiches just so oh our helmets
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are off now our helmets are off T we're in a booth sitting sitting in opposite
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each other Pulp Fiction style uh with our with our helmets on the on the on
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the bench next to us just enjoying our sandwiches okay all right yeah yeah do
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you know what they call mclunky uh on alderon no what do they call mclunky on
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Old they call it a Royale with cheese oh okay yeah you know what they
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dip it in mayonnaise mayonnaise yeah as you guys are enjoying your
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sandwiches a tall figure enters the
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space Subway with a flowing cloak and hooded
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face it it storms in with a bunch of other Troopers Storm Troopers behind oh
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and it enters in looks around comes over
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to you and you recognize this is a Sith Inquisitor mhm
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mhm and he comes over the table and a
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voice from inside the hood says you
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sailing no no we're just having a lunch break you yeah yeah it's a sched lunch
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break we're going to go yeah straight after this we're going to go back we're
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both fully unionized so we are entitled to a 45 minute uninterrupted lunch break
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done finding Jedi uh we've got some leads that we're
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chasing down not literally um but we're you know we're considering some leads
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yeah for the Jedi have you heard
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anything we are looking Ewok
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yeah we were looking at an Ewok yeah I was looking at an
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Ewok he ran out the back of this place about half an hour ago yeah we've
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started calling him the back door Ewok just to differentiate him from other
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Ewoks that might be around the rodian
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says there's another back door you walk
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around the uh The Inquisitor turns and storms out the back uh through the
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kitchen and then you hear the sound of a zabra choking in the kitchen and then being I
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think we should exit through the front door yeah so yeah we're just going to get up
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and leave one of the other Storm Troopers comes over and goes the hell
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are you guys up to well lunch break's over we're just going to go yeah we were
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in the bar that's where we were when our St so we're going to go back there yeah
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we actually have an informant tied up somewhere in the bar vicinity did we
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Luke is that what you were telling me the trooper says yeah was taken back to
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the back to the jail the jail the space jail well yeah we're going to head back
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there and have a chat to him very good yeah I I put another um put another
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poster up on the door here oh yeah of the subway there's another Droid one I call
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back to the rodian and just say do you mind if I put a poster up he's like I
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don't care it's not my shop he said oh MC Cluny no this one's this one says
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rebeled this one says Rebels and you thought they smelled bad on the
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outside that's got a picture of a back door you walk
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yeah so now I'm
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driving we're in are you driving I'm
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driving a speeder where did you get the speeder I'm assuming we just had one
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that's how we got to the bar fine fine we rented it
24:56
Rental yeah all right it's a it's a it's a speeder but it's got a side car and
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one of you has to go on the side car who and scissors paper rock for it I call
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driving tell you what no it's it's a it's a bike side but we couldn't decide
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so we're both like riding tandem on the bike pot and and the side car is
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empty it's just full of sandwiches yeah yeah and Subway
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cookies por Glo yeah sorry about that David I had to get out of there quickly that
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Stormtrooper that's t246 I why to be putting everyone's tabs
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on yeah yeah I recognized him I recognized
25:39
him because of distinctive armor yeah that's
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right um so anyway we arrive we arrive at the uh at the jail the space jail the
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spale M arrive at spale at the Z spale and we um we're in one of those two-way
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little window things and ' got the little telephone and we're we're talking
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to the uh informant TW through the glass he says I can't believe you
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[ __ ] arrested me I helped you guys did you did you did you get the Jedi did
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you get him well he did really help us like in trouble with our boss you know
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where he was before I told you how's that not help so just to clarify you
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mean the small furry guy with the Blinky eyes and suspicious amount of ball sweat
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was the Ewok oh yeah yeah that's yeah oh you didn't know I didn't
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know who it was no I just I just heard it was someone at the sandwich shop well
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who who told you that was someone at the sandwich shop I mean we really do need
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to know a little bit more information about how the hell you know the word
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around town it's just the word the word around town was that there's a Jedi at
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the subway and no one thought to mention can you're expecting us to pay you for
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this information if everyone just knows it we did bring you a sandwich though
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but we gave it to the guard he may or may not have passed it on a
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unbelievable um I mean you could if you wanted more info you could go talk to to
27:01
Dan L danl Dan L yeah he's a he's a mon
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calamari he uh he knows everything that's going on around here uh where can
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we find him which which uh which fast food restaurant does he work
27:16
at he works at a Porto space
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Ao no aulo yeah AO so we walk back out to the
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the speed Portuguese with the Portuguese um but this time we we both
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get into the side car a go I'm just writing this down for
27:42
feuture reference yeah yeah uh very good all right
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so you heading to a bgo yeah we're heading into aulo all
27:54
right uh as you're as you're on your way to aulo
27:59
you uh you spot a bunch of Stormtroopers
28:02
shooting up shooting up Jesus Christ
28:07
[ __ ] junky Stormtroopers like they're shooting at the front of a local department store
28:13
people and all the the locals are screaming and oh we want to get in on
28:16
this should we pull over and also shoot up this
28:22
place I I guess we should yeah without questioning we just stand next to our
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brethren and just also just into
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the yeah what are we uh what are we shooting at here
28:36
guys and they the says oh I don't know what are you shooting
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at you just saw you shooting oh I just saw this guy shooting and the other guy
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says me I thought who wait oh the I saw this other guy shooting but he seems to
28:51
have left how about we just hold off on the shooting they all they all stop
28:56
shooting turns out we haven't hit any anything not one of us
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right yeah only Imperial Stormtroopers are that precise are they good shots or
29:07
not I just don't know well it just depends on if you
29:14
should get the star or not yeah well you could argue that uh that they were asked
29:20
to um to act like they were attacking but to actually let them Escape so they
29:24
could follow them back to the fair well the other storm tro say well all right
29:29
fine um I guess we'll just where did that where' that Ewok
29:34
go oh you saw an Ewok yeah I told him to stay where he was uh but he seems to
29:39
have run off was it a a back door Ewok or the regular kind oh it did smell like
29:45
one yeah cuz we're hunting down a back door Ewok ourselves he he he stands there
29:51
awkwardly which you've learned now means he's winking at you
29:55
uh yeah he's making a little sound like like this as well gives away and he
30:01
points uh he points in the direction of uh of what looks to be little space port
30:07
over on the other side of the the square that you're on and he says he was he was
30:12
headed that way when we stopped him all right um we give Chase we run across the
30:17
street uh in search of the back door
30:21
Ewok the back door Ewok yeah uh so you you get to the the entrance to the space
30:27
port and there's a there's a gentleman sat behind a glass screen and he says
30:33
gentleman yes sorry can I help you something so something you're looking
30:36
for in particular have you seen an Ewok come past here back door Ewok uh oh I
30:43
was going to say we've seen a few but yes back door Ewok yes just a moment ago
30:46
actually uh he's uh he's headed off on
30:49
the uh uh on the uh can't think of a
30:53
clever name for an Ewok ship um the
30:59
twick it yeah yeah I like
31:05
it yeah yeah I'm to twick it so all right can you uh stop that [ __ ] from
31:12
taking off please uh on who Authority clearance uh mine I see him and in your
31:19
name Luke ground flyer see his [ __ ] uniform right you know what this is
31:23
Imperial be anyone under there mate could be anyone under there this is this
31:28
whole system's new could be anyone under there all I pull out my blaster aim at
31:32
his face I I I I see your identification is in order and he hit hits a few
31:38
buttons and he mag was in absolutely no danger the maglocks for all the ships
31:43
have been engaged and they will not they will not be able to uh to leave the port
31:48
at this time mhm thank you very much now if you can just open the door we'll just
31:52
head down that way which which um where is he docked there he's it he's on he's
31:58
on the third platform right mhm and he open hits a
32:04
button in the door to the port slides open uh on The Concourse there's
32:08
actually a um ooro Express um so I stop
32:12
in there to a Bondi burger and yeah and
32:17
then um there's a there's another tall
32:20
ped cloaked man who's uh who's serving
32:24
us the uh who's serving us the
32:28
aulo AO yes yeah I'd like to ask him some questions sure sorry you're cutting
32:34
out there he's is a he's a cloaked man you said yeah cloaked man yeah John
32:38
cloakman Johnny cloakman John cloan that's he says all right ABS yeah yes
32:45
what can I help you with yeah B Bondo Burger
32:48
thanks yep sure yeah uh um CH with or without
32:54
Chile uh yeah with with Chile um mhm yeah do you um You probably see all the
33:01
ships come and go here do you oh I do tend to see uh who comes in and out yeah
33:07
yeah um you get many Ewoks on on Z
33:12
no handful handful of Ewoks yeah yeah yeah they are a handful um so you know
33:19
you'd notice one if it came in right especially if it was a they all look
33:23
pretty similar I mean notice if it was a back door Ewok but no that's racist um
33:29
yeah do you know um you know the guy who hangs out in the back of the uh the
33:34
tavern cuz uh cuz he knows you and uh he seemed to have a awful lot of
33:39
information on one particular Ewok and uh well I just want to know what you
33:43
know about it oh I see where you're
33:46
getting at yeah yeah there is a particular there's a back door Ewok and
33:52
I I did see his uh this is not a euphemism but I did see his lightsaber
33:58
sure you how how a lightsaber and not a torch just hanging off his
34:04
belt look I was on uh I was on I was on a
34:09
ship uh when the uh The Inquisitor arrested one of the uh one of the Jedi
34:15
on board and I I saw his lightsaber as well they stripped him naked and I saw
34:20
his lightsaber except for except for the light saer yeah Y and a lot of ball
34:26
sweat um I'm writing this down I also suddenly get a little bit suspicious and
34:31
I lunge forward over the counter and I grab the cloak and I pull it and I
34:37
realize that it's not one normaliz man
34:41
it's two Ewoks one at top the other that's what Ewok sound like I
34:47
guess yeah yeah you do the top
34:51
Ewok uh does a flip over you as you as you're pulling on him and you hear a
34:57
strange sound and suddenly a beam of blue light uh appears from the uh the
35:03
metal tube in his hand and he faces off against you a [ __ ] the other Ewoks kind
35:08
of scampered underneath the underneath the counter I start yelling at Luke to uh to
35:14
shoot him Luke shoot the little I start firing randomly just
35:19
randomly yep roll a p roll a [Music]
35:24
die five five oh
35:28
um uh one of the gorian that's guarding the the platform behind you gets hit in
35:33
a throat and he uh
35:36
[ __ ] luckily it's still set to stun he
35:41
F yeah but it stunned his his ability to breath he's just choking out on the
35:46
floor that should be a thing in Star Wars movie set it to stun and it's like yeah but he
35:51
[ __ ] stunned in the throat yeah so he just falls to the ground clutching his
35:56
throat
36:01
ah [ __ ] the uh I I think I can hear him also say Stun Me in the
36:08
dick a clunky um the Ewok jumps forward and
36:14
swings at you with his lightsaber Dan okay
36:20
uh yeah I I've I've actually uh I take
36:24
off my backpack um try to find a weapon or something all I've got is my little
36:29
notebook and a bunch of Flyers so I I throw the Flyers up in the air um to
36:34
confuse and disorientate him he uh he rolled a five so the Flyers one of them
36:41
gets stuck cuz they've got they preglued um and peeled the back off one of them
36:47
at some point ready to put it up and it actually gets stuck to his face so now
36:51
this Ewoks flailing around with a lightsaber and he uh he manages to chop
36:57
the arm off a protocol Droid that was standing kind of behind
37:02
him yeah I don't I don't recognize the the Droid now that there's a a different
37:08
arm that's right
37:11
exactly Luke it's your turn to act again I'm just going to try and call for
37:17
backup okay all right so you so I'm going to call The Inquisitor okay so you
37:22
pop on you really want to get The Inquisitor involved that be a lot of
37:26
paperwork if we get The Inquisitor are involved I I know but um we're getting
37:32
our asses kicked at the moment yeah that's true so I prefer paperwork over
37:36
get my ass not it's up to me I it's not how I would describe it to be
37:41
honest flailing around with a piece of paper stuck in his
37:45
face a pretty good time to try and shoot him to be honest yeah or just grab him by
37:52
the Yeah his giant about this s he wles free
37:59
fine I'm going to grab him then all right make a roll to see if you grab him
38:03
four four all right you've got a hold of him grab him and push him to the ground
38:07
all right you pushed him to the ground finally caught you you back door
38:11
Ewok he starts fling around he still lightsaber it's getting dangerously close to
38:18
you um David can you help me with the lightsaber here grab his hand or something yeah I
38:24
go over and I try to do that cop thing where you stand on the hand of someone
38:27
hold my gun uh except I don't know how light work and that accidentally stands
38:31
on the button that uh that turns it on oh yeah Alo it's like goes that
38:38
should be a dice roll yeah roll roll okay and oh I've got a six
38:45
mate all right this worked out very well for me somehow yeah so you've uh you've
38:51
you've knocked it Loose from his hand and turned it off at the same time and
38:53
the lightsaber rolls to the side I think for a six I should have picked it up I'm
38:58
now holding no you no no no you can you can do that now you can grab it yeah I'm
39:01
[ __ ] holding you SC yourself a lightsaber and then I'll keep struggling
39:05
with him and put try putting handcuffs on okay roll four four oh yeah yep so
39:11
you get the handcuffs on him and uh and as you're doing that he's he's
39:14
struggling and from his he's got a little kind of little bag around his his
39:18
uh his neck and a little a little Cube falls out a little device falls out
39:24
under the ground you spot that yeah it's a D6 and it's on it's it's on
39:31
five he's roll to five now you you recognize it from your training it looks
39:34
to be a a holocron oh which you've heard
39:39
a Jedi use to store information yeah it's one of those old old timey
39:43
holocrons it's an eight track holocron so yeah yeah where we where are we going
39:48
to find a place where we can plug this in [ __ ] watch it I'm going to have to
39:52
find a high-i store I pick it up and put in my pocket suddenly I turn to and I
39:58
say wait wen't there two Ewoks here where's the Ewok who was standing on
40:02
this guy's shoulders uh I thought you were taking care of that one I got this
40:05
one I've done my job I've got my qua for the week so if you want I can try and help you
40:12
find it I think we might have dropped the ball here no no no I got my Ewok you dropped
40:18
the ball don't try and blame this on me as you guys are arguing an Ewok comes
40:23
flying overhead and Splats into the wall above you and uh from from the direction
40:28
the Ewok came you see storming in the Sith Inquisitor from earlier the Sith
40:35
quitor raises his hand and the Ewok that you were struggling with his handcuff
40:39
now Rises into the air and uh starts
40:43
choking and uh sir I caught an Ewok and the a back door Ewok at that The
40:49
Inquisitor says you sit down and good and then he closes his fist and you hear
40:54
like a cracking sound and the Ewok falls to the ground dead oh Jesus oh I didn't
41:00
think we were going to kill him and then um from uh from behind the the counter
41:05
another employee is uh holding out a paper bag with some um with some food in
41:12
it and he says Order
41:18
66 Bondi Burger and Fries the Sith Inquisitor puts his hand
41:25
out and the bag floats over to him and he uh grabs it and walks
41:30
up and then the the guy behind the c says sir I don't think that one was your
41:36
I'm sorry buddy yeah he looks at you um I flip the guy a dollar and leave he
41:42
says the sandwich is worth a lot more than it oh forget
41:46
it bloody Empire all right um David I've got a bit
41:53
of an idea yeah so he's killed the what Inquisitor left do you want to go up and check out
41:59
his ship yeah yeah yeah cuz it's still there I've got his lights now so maybe
42:04
there's some other stuff on the ship I could also pocket so yeah I'm happy to come along
42:08
yeah yeah so we we'll claim we're investigating and we'll we'll take it
42:12
from there mhm so uh you get to platform 3 and it's a it's an Ewok ship so it's
42:18
it kind of just looks like a stick with uh with engines on it and uh mhm
42:24
saddle that's not it's not me being racist just a simple simple creatures
42:29
that's all yeah yeah and they need us to come there and civilize
42:33
them that's right so uh the the the ramp
42:37
for the ship is down so uh you can
42:41
wander straight on um after you oh
42:44
thanks uh I head on I have to just have a quick scan Around The Bay just to make
42:49
sure no one's watching us go no you don't see anybody um there's a couple of
42:54
gonk droids uh you know going around
42:57
refueling things and is their word
43:04
Matt so when you get inside the ship uh
43:06
it's sparsely uh uh appointed and uh you can see this's you know there's a
43:12
cockpit at the front it's just got two little seats uh and I Nestle my [ __ ]
43:17
down to the pit yep and there's a uh there's a a computer system on against
43:23
one wall and then you can see there's like a very simple kind of uh sink and a
43:28
cupboard Arrangement on one side and then a toilet at the back okay David I
43:33
brought you here for a reason oh okay this is an elaborate way to get me alone go
43:40
on uh so I Tred to ire cuz I thought we were going to help people uh when The
43:47
Inquisitor just murdered him pretty much In Cold Blood that's not for me I I need
43:51
to get out of here so I'm taking this ship you're welcome to come with me but
43:56
I'm I'm leaving oh uh this is a shock uh
44:01
I'm shocked I thought was going to be I was going to be straight straight narrow
44:06
was going to be good but I just can't deal with what I just
44:11
saw thought the Empire is meant to help people yeah that's true that that it was
44:16
what sold Us in on it um and they ran out of clones still not sure why they
44:20
didn't just keep making more clones and they had to just recruit us but
44:24
uh we got a job yeah that's true true that's true I was just doing data entry
44:29
before I came on to this but now I'm I'm saying I've got a
44:34
ship look uh I respect Budd uh you know it's it's your decision you know the
44:40
Imperial forces aren't for everyone but um um thing I ask if you're not going to
44:44
come with me can you give me a head start look uh since we've been through a
44:48
lot since we've docked together um if you know what I mean I stand there
44:52
awkwardly which he knows is a wink it's a wink yeah um
44:57
I I'll give you a a 10minute head start but um I will come after you just so you
45:02
know because I uh I'm really getting into this whole Imperial thing I shoot
45:07
David with a stun stun roll the
45:12
dice three [ __ ] you miss and it hits
45:16
hits the wall of the ship and some place this is
45:20
awkward I ignite the
45:25
lightsaber I walk over to him and I say Luke I'm
45:32
I'm not going to take you in but I uh I'm going to still let you
45:36
go but I'm going to keep I'm going to keep a part of you and uh so you'll know
45:42
I'm always I think you know I think you
45:44
know buddy and uh I reach down and uh
45:50
and I cut off his
45:52
dick what the roll dice attempt to cut
45:57
off my dick it's a four so I put the dick in my
46:03
pocket the uh the heat from
46:07
thees the wound yeah so you're a unic now you're you're smooth as a kandall
46:13
and I've got I've got a dick in my pocket dick are you oh you're a
46:18
corellian corellian is like just a human right and an oldan is a human as well
46:24
yeah yeah yeah yeah no we're both we're both humans and I look him straight in
46:28
the eye and I say this is so that you
46:31
know that if you leave right now you're effectively [ __ ] yourself because I'm
46:38
going to be right behind you with this dick in my pocket I'm just still in a bit of shock
46:45
and pain I Ste down off the Steep down off the
46:50
ship as you uh step off the ship the computer Springs to life and you you
46:57
hear like a noise in your pack and the the little holocron starts
47:01
glowing well David's got that no no no so I'm saying he sees he he he's walking
47:06
down the ramp and uh he sees he hears a noise in his little his
47:11
pocket oh yeah and uh I uh I look around
47:16
and there's a um there's a datson 180b also docked in the uh in the docking
47:23
station and I know that it's got a m track on the uh on the stereo so uh I go
47:29
over to uh to the guy who's sitting and he's just sitting in it with the radio
47:32
and I said do you mind if I just pop this in and he says no no go ahead mate
47:36
what do you got what do you got so I turn off akaaka and I I Chuck him this
47:40
little little holotape he pops it in and uh the message message comes to life yep
47:46
all right all right so Luke you don't hear this no no in fact in fact as the
47:51
message comes on I I I see Luke's ship you know the stick and um ironic phic
47:58
symbol someone who's got no dick um lift off and disappear into the night as I
48:04
hear the uh the recording start to play the recording says Ah nubnub My
48:11
Apprentice When You Reach this message hopefully I'll have arrived on the
48:15
planet Zulu I've uh attached coordinates and then there's a bunch of numbers that
48:20
uh that read out hope to see you soon I take out my little notebook right down
48:27
the numbers I take one last look at the stick flying off into space and then I
48:32
turn back to the guy in the datson 180p and I say can you give me a
48:43
lift directed by George
48:48
Lucas chapter one all right chapter one and that is cut my dick off that's
48:54
chapter one of I don't know what this is called yet
48:57
we should come up with name fck name for that yeah I I'll think of something good
49:04
stuff good stuff I also think listeners if you want to throw in maybe come up
49:08
with ideas something throw kall at us email podcast and maybe Matt can sort of
49:14
yeah I mean do you guys want to continue the story David R and Luke ground fly
49:20
yeah all right yep yeah cuz I'm now out for Revenge I love
49:25
the Star Wars thing too because it's like there's you know like we all kind
49:28
of have enough common knowledge that we can throw stuff in you know yes it's not as
49:35
random yep I love it y let's do it again
49:39
stay tuned three years later part two haris eventually
49:46
cont yeah