Latest / Unbalanced with Cerys Davage / 44. Making the most of life (ft. Lara Rebecca)

Transcript

44. Making the most of life (ft. Lara Rebecca) · Unbalanced with Cerys Davage

0:09
Hello everyone. Welcome back to another episode
0:11
of Unbalanced with me, Keras. David, I hope you're all doing
0:15
well. I'm back in radio platform again
0:18
and I'm here today with someone that I've actually met right at
0:22
the beginning of my radio journey years ago now.
0:26
Lara, Rebecca, hi. Hi, it's very bizarre to be
0:30
back. I feel like no time has passed
0:32
at all almost. It's so strange, honestly, it's,
0:35
it actually feels like a bit of a full circle moment because
0:38
when I first started out in radio here at Radio Platform,
0:41
you were one of my first guests as an amateur interviewer, you
0:46
know, still learning my way, still not completely
0:48
fashionable. We're all growing, we're all
0:50
evolving, we're all flourishing. No, but it's great to be back
0:53
and I think, you know, just seeing your journey as well, I
0:56
think it's kind of a reciprocation of, you know,
0:58
progress and growth. So it's been nice to kind of
1:01
share that journey. Definitely.
1:02
I know I'm really excited to catch up and just celebrate how
1:05
far we've come since I don't know.
1:07
Cheers to us. Cheers to us.
1:08
Cheers, let's clink our coffee together.
1:12
Obviously I'm familiar with your work, but please introduce
1:15
yourself to us. My name is Laura Becca.
1:17
I am a mental health and eating disorder awareness advocate
1:21
based here in Cardiff. I do a lot of awareness content,
1:24
went through various mediums focusing upon mental health,
1:28
eating disorders, inspired by my own experiences of overcoming
1:31
anorexia nervosa, depression, anxiety disorder, you name it.
1:35
I probably had it went through a pretty rough period, but I think
1:39
now I'm in that mindset where I'm excited to transform those
1:43
experiences into something good, into something positive.
1:46
Not hiding away from the rule and the truth and the
1:49
authenticity of those experiences, but being able to
1:51
utilise them as a way to educate, to raise awareness, to
1:54
destigmatize conversations and hopefully leverage on the
1:58
experiences that I've had and to, yeah, share a little bit of
2:01
hope, hopefully. Amazing.
2:03
And first of all, I just want to say how proud I am of you, of
2:06
the work that you've been doing and how far you've come since
2:09
the last few years. And obviously we will get into
2:11
that. And I just wanted to give the
2:13
audience a bit of a trigger warning as well.
2:15
We will be talking a bit about mental health and eating
2:17
disorders. We won't go into too much of A
2:19
detail, but it is always good to just warn you guys about that.
2:23
So obviously you've done a lot of work sharing your stories and
2:28
I'm sure you've got a bit of a script built into your head, you
2:30
know, about exactly how your journey has been.
2:34
But do you mind just opening that up again and just sharing a
2:37
bit of your health journey with us?
2:39
Yeah, yeah. I think from young age I had
2:41
quite a lot of insecurities, a lot of anxieties, a lot of
2:43
apprehensions, and I think that all just culminated quite
2:46
rapidly. It was almost like the domino
2:48
effect, one thing after the other.
2:50
And I went from being this very kind of annoying, enthusiastic
2:53
little girl to somebody that was very insecure and shy.
2:57
And I hid away. And I started developing panic
3:00
attacks. And, you know, it'd be to the
3:02
extent where I'd have nosebleeds during exams in schools.
3:06
I'd run out of classrooms. I'd hide myself away during
3:09
breaks in the toilets just because I couldn't fathom the
3:11
concept of being in that social environment.
3:14
And with all these anxieties and uncertainties and challenges
3:19
developing. I needed a coping mechanism.
3:21
I needed something to focus my energy on.
3:24
I was living in a situation where I didn't feel in control,
3:27
so I needed something to give me that.
3:30
That's when I started to develop disordered eating tendency.
3:33
And initially you think it's quite harmless.
3:35
You think it's just these small little routines giving me a
3:37
little bit of satisfaction, but I am highly perfectionistic.
3:42
I'm highly determined and motivated, which has been great
3:44
in some contexts. But if you put that in the
3:46
context of an eating disorder, Oh my gosh, it's a recipe for
3:48
disaster. So those rituals and routines
3:52
started becoming very obsessive and very over consuming and kind
3:57
of took over my lifestyle and my identity almost.
4:01
Things got a lot worse and all of a sudden it's not those small
4:04
little routines anymore. It's, you know, you have a full
4:07
blown eating disorder. But I took so much comfort in
4:10
it. I know in hindsight it's kind of
4:11
difficult to think but those routines and those behaviours
4:14
give me a sense of reprieve and control.
4:17
And you know, soon enough it was how I lived my life.
4:21
Obviously things got recognised. I wasn't well.
4:25
I've got diagnosed then with anorexia nervosa, depression and
4:27
anxiety disorder and you could assume that great, she got the
4:32
diagnosis, she's got the medical intervention, but really that
4:36
acknowledgement and that label and that diagnosis almost
4:39
fuelled the addiction because now I had this thing to achieve.
4:44
I had this expectation I needed to be the best anorexic.
4:47
I needed to wholeheartedly commit myself and be the best I
4:51
could be. So my manipulation and my
4:55
secrecy and my determination to fulfil these routines, to give
5:00
me that sense of control and to lose weight just got amplified
5:04
and was on a really rocky downward hill.
5:06
Then things got dark quite rapidly and yeah, really, really
5:11
difficult. I think at that point it was
5:13
just anorexia. You know, I wasn't Mara.
5:15
I was, you know, the way that I dictated my routine when I was
5:18
out of school. I couldn't sit to lock my exams,
5:21
lost the essence of me, wasn't with friends, any of my previous
5:24
hobbies, they were all gone and just became a shell of myself.
5:29
But luckily there was a more positive chapter change.
5:32
I was put into hospital. I had to get some treatment and
5:36
slow, steady, difficult, really, really quite difficult.
5:39
Because you know, still when I was at my worst, I still didn't
5:42
really think that I needed support.
5:43
I didn't want the support. I wanted to wholeheartedly
5:47
fulfil this anorexia as well, and I had these doctors and
5:51
medical staff intervening and taking my coping mechanism away
5:54
from me, saying no, you've got to eat, you've got to be on this
5:56
meal plan, take my weight, take my blood, take my BMI, taking
5:59
all the essence of control away from me.
6:01
So initially recovery is really difficult, but then think over
6:03
time you start getting to a healthier mindset and actually
6:08
going towards a more authentic journey of recovery.
6:12
It's not just about looking at the weight, the BMI, the blood
6:14
pressure, it's about who am I, what are my intentions, what is
6:18
my environment, what are my personal values?
6:20
How can I live in alignment with that?
6:23
And yeah, things have kind of progressed since then.
6:25
I can imagine, you know, when you're in that state of just
6:29
wanting to be in full control of yourself.
6:30
Did, did you feel out of touch with reality?
6:33
You know, were you aware that this was, you know, the label
6:35
anorexia at the time? Hindsight, when you're in it,
6:39
you don't really think about the way you're thinking.
6:41
You just are there and you know that these routines and these
6:46
behaviours are the way that you're going to go about life.
6:48
And it's about the secrecy and hiding and the manipulation.
6:52
And you're not really cognitively thinking about
6:54
anything else. You know, it's only in hindsight
6:56
that I recognise that that was where I was.
6:59
So, yeah, a lot of the way that I discussed about my story now,
7:01
it's from this, you know, lived experience.
7:03
It's from this understanding from therapy, from, you know,
7:07
doing, you know, literally a psychology masters and actually
7:11
being able to unpack things, think, OK, Is that why?
7:14
But in that moment, I think you're just survival mode.
7:17
Did your family try to intervene and you were?
7:19
How would you react to that? Would you try and gain that
7:21
control back and try and hide it?
7:23
With anorexia, you've got to be quite stubborn.
7:25
I think that's the word that I'll describe it.
7:26
When my initial disorder, future tendencies began, it didn't
7:30
really result in immediate weight loss because that wasn't
7:34
really the thing. First of all.
7:35
It was just getting some control of the routines.
7:37
And so for years it didn't really get recognised.
7:39
But when it was more obvious than when I got that diagnosis,
7:43
it became a larger battle. It wasn't just the one between
7:46
myself and eating disorder. It was about that one and the
7:49
eating disorder. But then trying to conform to
7:52
these routines and not have my parents know, you know, making
7:55
up these exercise routines so they couldn't listen in, you
7:59
know, manipulating certain things really to try to still
8:04
commit but without them listening in.
8:07
But. At the time when you thought you
8:09
were being really clever and sneaky and hiding things for
8:12
your parents, you thought like, this is great.
8:14
This is this is the best way to do it.
8:16
No, I thought I was really sneaky and really clever and
8:19
they weren't going to catch on. You know, I'm manipulating and
8:22
I'm thriving and they're not listening in.
8:24
And that was part of the addiction almost.
8:27
I think that's when people fail to recognise sometimes that
8:30
eating disorder, that it is a form of an addiction.
8:33
And I can imagine that that consumed your life at that
8:35
point, You know, did much else really become a big factor in
8:39
your life at that point? Academics, you know, striving
8:43
factionism so that factionism was associated not only to eat
8:46
disorder, but to results and Marks and percentages.
8:53
So to gain to gain that kind of external validation and again,
8:58
that fixation and control, because I could lose myself in
9:01
my office kind of hideaway from, you know, my mind and focus on
9:07
algebra and physics and, you know, get the best that I can.
9:12
So, yeah, I had a lot of anxieties in school.
9:14
You know, I've always loved academia.
9:16
I've always loved education. But there's been occasions
9:20
where, you know, the dedication, the focus, the fixation,
9:23
perfectionism can become quite all consuming as well.
9:25
I don't do anything by halves. And that that's still an
9:28
absolute trait. I don't half ass anything and
9:32
sometimes it's great but sometimes that hinders me.
9:35
I'm sure nowadays, obviously having those stubborn traits,
9:38
you know, striving for perfection, I'm sure that, you
9:41
know, guilt is a big part of it as well.
9:43
If you don't feel like you've done well enough, you know.
9:46
Double edged sword. Double edged sword.
9:48
And I know those traits have been the making of me in the
9:52
sense that my achievements academically, my genius in my
9:55
career, even when it comes to my races and my, you know, runs and
10:00
performance there. But then also, it's like, right,
10:02
make sure this doesn't go overboard.
10:04
Make sure this stays in a place, you know, still strive, still
10:07
work, still be committed. Just try to rein it back in a
10:11
bit sometimes. So with your anorexia, you know,
10:14
going through that hard time, did that affect your
10:17
friendships? Did that affect, you know,
10:19
growing up? It stripped a lot away from me,
10:21
I think, those formative years. You know, I think it's quite
10:24
funny when, when I say when I go out, once I lost, I went bloody
10:28
out. I go to bed at 8:30.
10:31
But when I'm in those environments where someone's
10:35
wants to get me a drink, I was like, oh, no, I I don't drink.
10:37
My response to that when they go like, Oh my goodness.
10:40
Wow. Why this is so abnormal.
10:42
How do you live? I know it's because I lost those
10:46
kind of years where you go to house parties and you, you know,
10:50
experiment and you make these mistakes I didn't have.
10:54
You're not saying that it's bad that I'm sober now because I,
10:56
you know, didn't have, you know, those challenging periods as a
10:59
teenager and rebelling, but those years of experimenting and
11:03
being with friends and making mistakes and, you know, having
11:07
those, I didn't have that like that I was bedridden, force
11:10
feeding myself rather than reconnecting with the essence of
11:14
just being a teenager. This whole recovery journey,
11:17
it's not just been about the health and the BMI and the
11:20
statistics. It's really been about, OK,
11:22
reconnecting with the essence of Lara, what are my values?
11:26
So now coming out of it, being in this such place of sounds
11:31
cheesy, but awakening as to who I am, what my values are and
11:33
what my intentions are, I miss a few years.
11:36
But the ones that I have now are so much more enriched, are so
11:39
much more powerful, are so much more vibrant, and I've got
11:44
really good friends and I've got such a cool environment right,
11:47
of people around me. And I've got opportunities.
11:49
And granted the best of times, insecurities take over me and I
11:52
think myself as hugely incompetent.
11:55
And you know, you have those wobbles.
11:57
But I know that the adversities and those traumas and those
12:01
challenges have actually shaped me and shaped my lifestyle in a
12:05
way where I feel authentically, genuinely happy now.
12:08
I think it's been worthwhile in the end.
12:11
That's such a positive way to see it and to be honest, I don't
12:14
really remember much my teenage years.
12:16
I feel like this is the more important part of life to be in
12:19
any way. I had an interview recently and
12:22
they're asking me what my age is, and I'm almost like
12:24
repulsing at the fact that I'm 24, thinking how it used to be
12:26
18 like a blink ago. But yeah, it's almost like the
12:30
rediscovery phase. It's the opportunity to kind of
12:33
connect with the essence of you without those externally imposed
12:36
restrictions of school and structure, routine and reconnect
12:40
with people that are not in your immediate cycle, not in your
12:44
high school environment. Actually think, OK, what do I
12:46
fundamentally want to do? So, yeah, big, big rediscovery
12:50
phase. Yeah.
12:51
I'm loving this phase in life. So anyway, back to you.
12:54
No, that's boring recovery. Then you said you were in
12:59
hospital for a while and the the struggle to to understand and to
13:03
to lose that control. What was that moment where you
13:07
finally recognised what you had been through and that something
13:11
needs to change? So I went to hospital.
13:12
I was an outpatient, but I went, I went, OK, I went to hospital
13:15
and I was still very crowded within it.
13:19
You know, they were saying all these statistics and reiterating
13:21
all these scary metrics and saying how, you know, BMI is
13:25
terrifyingly low, you may get refeeding syndrome.
13:28
You, you know, all these statistics to kind of
13:31
scaremonger me, but I just perceived that as a win, as a
13:34
victory, as a reward, like I've done as well.
13:36
And all those scary factors. I didn't think as a concern, I
13:39
thought as a motivator to keep going.
13:42
There was nothing more to keep going.
13:44
You know, that initial stage where I'm transitioning away
13:47
from those anorexic routines were extremely imposed.
13:50
So that is, I guess a recovery, you know, starting recovery, but
13:54
it wasn't my recovery. It was the recovery dictated by
13:57
the hospital staff and that by that meal plan.
14:00
And it wasn't my decision. It wasn't my authentic decision
14:03
to want to embark on this. So it was months after because
14:07
it took that transition and it took that period for me to
14:10
think, okay, what do I actually need to do to allow me to
14:13
recover in a way that's long term?
14:16
Because there's a focus on those symptomatic components.
14:18
They just think of the BMI, the weight, the meal plan to get the
14:22
food in you, which is absolutely necessary.
14:24
Absolutely. But fundamentally you're
14:27
disregarding the psychological component of why did these
14:30
behaviours surface in the 1st place?
14:31
Why did I think as a, you know, young teenager, that depriving
14:35
myself, that malnourishing myself was a good way to go?
14:39
You know, this addiction that's not physical, that's a
14:42
psychological thing that happened that had symptomatic
14:44
components. So it really needed to have a
14:48
more of an interdisciplinary approach, thinking of, yes,
14:51
those physiological factors, but those psychological ones too.
14:55
That was when my authentic recovery began because I started
14:58
thinking, OK, I need to do a bit more work, it's a bit more
15:00
digging and make those changes. And crikey, it was vulnerable
15:05
and exposing and you think you're taking all these steps
15:09
backwards, but that's when you know, you get into the nitty
15:11
gritty of it. That's when you know you're
15:13
making those changes. It was a tricky time, but that's
15:16
what made the change. That's what finally allowed me
15:19
to go beyond just the surface level metrics of recovery and
15:24
actually think, right? I want to think about long term,
15:27
think about the opportunity to live healthily and happily and
15:32
not just survive anymore. So it was looking at my identity
15:35
and who I was learning to reconnect with.
15:37
The essence of Lara, not just anorexia.
15:40
You know, who is that teenage girl?
15:41
Start playing piano again, Go back to karate, you know, play
15:45
with your little sisters. So, yeah, it was a bizarre
15:48
process because I think I needed that immediate intervention to
15:51
get me to a healthier place because I was really, really
15:53
unwell. You know, there was concerns
15:55
about my life. But then to allow that recovery
15:57
to last and to sustain, I need to do that unpacking.
16:03
Yeah, and it finally got you to a point where you weren't doing
16:07
this because you felt like you had to, you doing it because you
16:10
really did want to look after yourself.
16:12
Yeah, and I remember I was like, granted my 15 minute walk with
16:16
my greyhound around the park, somebody that had been kind of
16:19
told that she's sit still and not allowed to go to high school
16:22
because they were concerned about, you know, the caloric
16:24
expenditure just going out with my newly adopted greyhounds.
16:27
Remember, I wore this khaki coat and this like a line denim
16:31
button down skirt. And I was still very thin, but
16:34
it was like, Oh my God, this is the world.
16:36
This this is what I've been missing.
16:38
This is this is life. You know, I'm just surviving and
16:42
barely existing and I'm missing seeing my sister play on the
16:46
swing. I'm missing those small little
16:48
nods as other dog walkers walk past you.
16:51
I'm missing, you know, the trees and the greenery.
16:54
And I was like, oh, this is this is life.
16:57
I'm missing out on this. The motivation was extended
17:00
beyond me that I wanted to be a role model.
17:02
I wanted to showcase what it's like to live healthily and look
17:05
after yourself. And then as I said, those
17:07
metrics of perfectionism, determination, Dr resilience,
17:11
they then transformed and translated into my recovery.
17:15
So almost those traits that fuelled the eating disorder to
17:19
get to a really dark place was translated and fuelled me to get
17:23
to a healthier place. So beautiful hearing you
17:27
describe just life, just things that, you know, people take for
17:31
granted. And it's really making me think,
17:33
you know, like my commute to work, I might find it miserable
17:36
because I'm like, uh, I'm working great.
17:38
I have to like wake up early and drive in the cold or whatever.
17:42
But actually I could turn that around and just be grateful.
17:44
I get to go to work today. I get to work with some amazing
17:47
people. I get to people watch on my way
17:50
to work. I get to appreciate the leaves
17:53
changing on the trees. And it might sound really
17:54
cheesy, but those are the values that make life just so much more
18:00
worth living. You'll love this.
18:01
Then I have a sort of gratitude journal isn't like where I'm at,
18:06
but I've kind of translated those principles into something
18:10
that's a bit more aligned with me and less like aggravatingly
18:12
like cheesy. And I have a journal that says
18:15
three things that made me smile. So rather than pressurising
18:17
myself to write pages of pages, I have my own journal.
18:20
But then I have like a quick little thing where every now and
18:23
then I'll just sit down and write three things that made me
18:25
smile that day and I intentionally go at it, even if
18:28
the day was shocking or even if the day wasn't great.
18:30
I had to cycle into work at 6:30 AM in the bitter raining cold.
18:35
I was shivering. But my gratitude was the fact
18:37
that the radiators were so warm that my trainers actually
18:39
managed to heat up and were warm for the rest of my shift.
18:42
You know, in other days, it's just, you know, that little
18:44
smile with that barista that I definitely do not know his name,
18:47
but we have such a long relationship that he knows my
18:49
order like that. The fact that my favourite seat
18:52
in Uncommon Ground was available, you know, just like
18:54
the small little things. And I think that's what I'm so
18:59
emotional. But that's what these
19:00
experiences teach you. And as we said about those
19:03
external pressures and having to have these career ventures,
19:06
these external metrics of success, this financial success,
19:10
this, you know, grandeur, what's the point of having all those
19:14
accolades if you're not just happy and you can't just seek
19:19
out the beauty and the mundane? Yeah, there are days that I'm
19:22
grumpy and there's days that, you know, I can't really see
19:25
them. And I'm definitely not in as
19:27
optimistic of a mindset because, I mean, you know, that's life.
19:31
But it makes those days where I can recognise the good, just
19:35
like feel like I'm on steroids, like, you know, my morning run
19:38
this morning, seeing the golden hour, seeing the sunrise, Oh my
19:41
goodness, I get emotional. I've seen the sunrise many a
19:44
time, but every time it just feels good.
19:46
And I think if you're at a place where you can appreciate those
19:49
small things you, you've won at life.
19:52
Wow, looks like I'm just like reading off of Pinterest.
19:59
There's all these quotes about like sunrises.
20:02
I love a golden hour. I would.
20:04
Love to get to the point where I willingly want to wake up early
20:08
enough to see the sunrise because every time I see it on
20:12
your Instagram story I'm so jealous and it makes me want to
20:15
just leap out of bed and go watch it.
20:16
You need to sign up for a race so you have the accountability
20:19
of it and then you'll romanticise the experience.
20:23
It's harder now because it's bitter, but summer runs.
20:27
Oh, there's nothing better. Nothing better.
20:29
Amazing. That's the key, isn't it, To
20:31
just romanticise everything in your life and it actually will
20:34
make your life so much better and so much more positive.
20:37
Oh yeah. And then you add, like, I've got
20:38
this playlist where it's quite acoustic and just happy.
20:43
And, you know, you're almost like your own movie soundtrack
20:46
as you're watching the sunrise over the water.
20:48
Like, just kind of romanticising.
20:49
It's like, you know, this is cheesy, but this is making me
20:51
happy. So, Judge.
20:53
Me like you're in a music video, you know, just really embracing.
20:55
It it's the ultimate train journey walk, you know, looking
20:58
through the window. I want to ask you, how are you
21:03
today? How are you now?
21:04
Because I know people seem to think that once someone is open
21:08
about their health, journey, recovery that the worst is over
21:12
with. But do you still feel the
21:14
repercussions mentally and or physically?
21:17
So I think the term recovered I have an issue with because it's
21:22
another label, it's another expectation.
21:24
And as per my history, labels don't really go well with me.
21:27
I think if I were to apply that, it would mean that any
21:30
insecurity, any doubt, any minor little wobble in my headspace
21:36
means that I'm, you know, down this path.
21:39
So I don't usually say that I'm recovered, but I'm in this place
21:42
where I'm far healthier, far happier, and it's almost like a
21:45
metamorphosis from my previous existence.
21:48
When I talk about my experiences, I generally
21:50
sometimes feel like it's a character that I'm talking of
21:52
because it's like I don't relate to that person.
21:53
I don't relate to that thing. That's great, you know, to know
21:56
there's been so much distance from that identity, but I still
21:59
have those wobbles. It's not anything that I now,
22:02
you know, cope with in an unhealthier format.
22:04
It's more so just crying down the phone to WhatsApp, to my
22:07
dad. I have those anxieties and this
22:08
insecurities and mental health instabilities.
22:10
I don't go towards an eating disorder now.
22:12
I go towards my journal, I go to therapy, or I just have a full
22:16
on breakdown and know that tomorrow I'm going to wake up a
22:18
lot healthier and happier and just know that things comes in
22:21
waves and it's not just all black and white like this, all
22:23
the greys in between. It comes with time as well.
22:26
I've had these difficulties for over 10 years now.
22:29
You kind of become a bit of a insider as to how your mind
22:32
works. So sometimes it's just giving
22:33
yourself a little bit more compassion, knowing that it's OK
22:37
and we are human, you know, regardless of the diagnosis that
22:40
I've had prior, I'm still just a person living in the 21st
22:43
century, this blinking hard century to live in.
22:45
You know, we've had a COVID pandemic.
22:47
We have social media. Everything that's happening in
22:49
the world is hard. So just, yeah, it's OK If we
22:52
have down days, it's OK. They have moments of
22:54
vulnerability. I, I, I just feel excited about
22:57
next chapters and terrified too. Absolutely.
23:01
Like, there's so much, you know, question marks, but it's just
23:04
knowing that, OK, we've been through the worst probably what
23:07
life can give us. So everything is going to be on
23:10
the up now. So, you know, go.
23:12
For it, so it's more about the outlet that you have and you
23:15
know, breakdowns are great. Breakdowns are needed in my.
23:18
System don't suppress it. It sounds like you obviously are
23:21
very in tune with yourself and you know exactly what kind of
23:25
outlets are best for how you're feeling and what's best to cope
23:28
with at the time. It's even like, you know, when
23:31
people start to reach out to a friend, I know the type of
23:34
person that I need for each situation.
23:36
Or even when I talk to my dad and I say, right, you just need
23:39
to listen and nod. You're not giving me any advice
23:41
because I just need to offload. I don't want advice.
23:45
And some days like, hey, now, I want your advice because, you
23:47
know, sometimes when people like try to fix it and patch, it's
23:49
like, no, no, no, no. This is just me having a waffle.
23:52
I think you figure out what you need at that time too.
23:54
Sometimes you need to just hideaway and read and, and
23:58
sometimes you just need to cry and sometimes you need to let it
24:02
go. The more you suppress, the more
24:03
you have a facade, the more things will kind of crumble.
24:08
And it's OK to be runnable. And there have been moments of
24:11
insecurities and doubts and hesitants very, you know,
24:14
recently. And that's just how it is being
24:16
a 24 year old sometimes. This feels like therapy.
24:19
I love it. Can you please be my therapist?
24:23
Of. Course, I just need to hear that
24:25
everyday. I love the work that you're
24:27
doing on social media to raise awareness about mental health,
24:31
about eating disorders, about just being vulnerable.
24:34
And I love how vulnerable you are online.
24:36
Does that get a bit too much sometimes?
24:38
You know, Do you think it's really important to share all
24:41
different sides? As time has gone on, not that
24:43
I've done it intentionally, but I think subconsciously I've kind
24:46
of retracted a little bit and rather than always thinking, oh,
24:50
I need to say about all these dark bits and all these low
24:53
lights, I'm trying to be more optimistic and positive and look
24:57
at futures. But then sometimes I need to
24:59
remind myself, I need to just make sure to reiterate the fact
25:02
that I'm still human. There was a clip that I did when
25:05
I was having a breakdown and I was like, do I share this?
25:07
You know, because I don't want to throw it in people's faces.
25:09
But then equally, I don't want to always it just be smiley
25:12
photos of me crossing finish lines and romanticising in
25:16
cafes, because those are two very honest parts of me.
25:20
I think the moments where it does get over consuming in the
25:23
past, it's just knowing that OK, social media is is great, but I
25:27
do have distance to it. There's sometimes where I forget
25:29
to post and it's great connects to the real world and I'm not
25:32
even forgot, you know, forgotten to that exists in the past 10
25:35
days. You know, fundamentally it's me
25:36
recounting my story and my narrative.
25:38
And it would always be a disservice if the way that I'm
25:40
making the content, I don't want to inadvertently affect my own
25:44
well-being. So I want to make sure that in
25:46
the within the process of advocating that I'm staying in a
25:50
healthy place to do so. It's making sure I have that
25:52
balance. So important as well because I
25:53
know social media can be a lot, you know, comparing yourself
25:56
with other people. And we were just talking about
25:59
like the different methods of content that like sometimes I
26:01
failed to do. But gosh, I don't want to be
26:04
behind a laptop and figuring out all these weird statistics
26:06
that's stressing me out. So I just don't do your bit and
26:10
then switch off when needs be. Exactly.
26:13
I love that you share a lot of your fitness journey as well.
26:16
Yeah. What's that been like?
26:18
It's been quite cathartic because I like I started signing
26:22
up to races to Celebrate Recovery.
26:24
You know, my first half marathon was fundraising for an eat sort
26:27
of charity. And then it's, you know, you get
26:29
that intoxicating buzz of this is fun.
26:32
These people are cool. And again, it's like
26:34
reconnecting with young girl again and doing these fun things
26:37
and you know, having plaques in my hair and showcasing, you
26:40
know, banners as I'm running. That was exciting.
26:43
This was another outlet. This was another opportunity for
26:46
me to reconnect with my authentic identity.
26:48
And I know there's obviously concerns me think, oh gosh,
26:51
you've gone from 1 spectrum to the other.
26:53
But I think because I've not been competitive, I incorporate
26:57
it into my lifestyle very sustainably and very balanced.
26:59
You know, today it's for the sake of seeing golden hour and
27:02
sunrise. It's not because I need to get X
27:04
amount of mileage in. It's really because I need that
27:06
time to listen to romantic music, to see the sunshine
27:10
glisten on the water or you know, going to the gym.
27:13
I do intentionally to go to classes to see my friend and
27:17
improve skills and things. You know, I'm pleased I've been
27:19
able to sustain a healthy relationship with it.
27:21
But there's obviously sometimes I want to push myself.
27:23
I want to improve my calisthenic skills and my pull ups.
27:25
I want to be able to feel strong when I finish 1/2 marathon.
27:29
But I know I do it in a very balanced way and it's about
27:32
connecting with the community. It started because I wanted to
27:35
advocate and it's very much a huge part of my identity now
27:38
because I've studied it and, you know, my degrees in it and it's
27:44
a huge part of my happiness and my fulfilment now too.
27:47
But I have that balance. I have that ability to kind of,
27:51
you know, know when to rest and know when to go for it kind of
27:54
thing. So it's more about just staying
27:57
in tune with yourself and not pushing yourself and not wanting
27:59
to reach a certain goal, just just to enjoy it a bit more.
28:02
Obviously there have been moments where I do get a little
28:04
bit too over consumed by it and I'm like, Oh no, no, no, just
28:08
remember where you're at. You're not trying to be here
28:10
athlete because I remember when I was training for the half
28:12
marathon, there were some people saying, oh, you could get a sub
28:15
90 minute, you could do this, you could do that.
28:17
So I could, but I would hate that experience because that
28:20
would I'd be in my lactate threshold for about an hour and
28:23
a half and I wouldn't be enjoying it.
28:25
And fundamentally I want to run around Cardiff and High 5 the
28:30
kids and hit the power up cardboard cutouts and take those
28:34
Harry bows and really immerse myself in the experience.
28:37
Yes, I want to push myself, but within reason.
28:40
Sometimes there is that pressure to hit these goals but I
28:44
wouldn't really enjoy it. So it's like challenge myself
28:47
but rein in a little bit. So I finish the end feeling
28:51
happy, feeling elated, being able to go to the cafe after and
28:57
have an almond croissant and not feel like a total shell of
28:59
myself. That reminds me of that quote
29:01
from Ferris Bueller. I don't know if you know it, but
29:04
it goes. Life moves pretty fast.
29:06
If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you
29:07
might miss it. And that kind of sounds like
29:10
what you're trying to do, you know, trying to really soak in
29:13
all the moments around you so that you're not just focusing on
29:16
one thing and missing everything else.
29:18
I think that's the intention, whether I'm succeeding now.
29:22
But I think, yeah, I think I'm in that phase of transition now
29:24
where that is the the intention. And I think this next chapter is
29:28
really about harnessing that and really coming back to myself
29:31
and, you know, today, not always just what's the next, next
29:35
chapter. It's just present moment here.
29:38
So you're advocating you're completing a university course,
29:42
Masters, am I right? Masters, Yes.
29:44
Your fitness journey is insane. You're running and gyming every
29:48
day. But I have to mention this as
29:49
well. You've also got your own
29:50
podcast. Also going podcast.
29:52
Also working in a gym. Also lecture at the university
29:56
that I study in. And you're still in bed by 8:30
30:00
PM. That is impressive.
30:01
Oh, I, I just love a book. I love a book.
30:03
I do that. That's my, that's my cherished
30:05
time. That's good though, that you
30:08
still get to have your own personal time to just wind down.
30:11
But tell me about your podcast. Philip Nobody asked me that
30:15
because I'm always interviewing on the podcast.
30:17
It's always like behind the scenes keeps finding podcast
30:19
that's that was a lockdown baby. And I still think of that as the
30:22
new thing. But that's 4 1/2 years old
30:24
coming up to five years, which is a crazy thing to think of.
30:27
But I literally started it as an excuse to connect to people
30:30
because we couldn't. And I remember being featured on
30:33
so many Talk about my story and absolutely loving it because it
30:36
was that long form conversation like we're having now.
30:38
We're connecting with people. It was like selfishly, OK, I can
30:41
put it out to the world, but it's really, I want to have cool
30:44
chats with cool people. The form of the conversation of
30:48
a podcast where it's uninterrupted, where you're not
30:50
worrying about clickbait thumbnails and titles and short
30:53
form content. It really aligned with, you
30:56
know, what I wanted to to do. It was the opportunity to kind
30:59
of translate my experiences now to harness my interviewing
31:03
skills and to really get into the depth of other people's
31:05
conversations and depths of their narratives.
31:08
So I didn't always want to just be like harping on about me.
31:12
And it's like finding that relatability with others.
31:13
And it's been really cathartic. You find those areas of
31:16
relatability with somebody that you know was a 2012 Olympic GB
31:22
athletes and you talk about your stories of overcoming adversity
31:26
and growing as a consequence. So we may have different
31:29
contexts, but the framework is similar and you realise how, you
31:33
know, you feel quite isolated sometimes in your struggles.
31:36
But now so many other people have stories and you know, it's
31:39
called keep smiling. It's not called keep dwelling.
31:41
You know, it's about being able to leverage on those experiences
31:44
and know that we've grown as a consequence and the good that
31:47
comes and, you know, talking honestly and and genuinely about
31:51
the adversities that we've experienced, but also saying,
31:53
hey, there's also a positive chapter here too.
31:56
We've also learned we also grow. We've also evolved as a
31:59
consequence. I've had elite athletes on, I've
32:01
had people with incredible stories on, I've had advocates
32:04
on, I've had doctors on, specialists on.
32:06
And that's the one thing that, you know, you scroll and you see
32:10
these titles, see these people, see this conversation.
32:12
I'm like, I'm proud of that, you know, Instagram.
32:15
But if you, you know, if you look at those podcast
32:18
conversations and those intricacies and the depth, I've
32:20
learned so much, you know, it's really, as I say, still an
32:24
excuse to have call chat school even happen to put online.
32:27
You know, it's all selfish, really.
32:29
No, I love it. And that's what I love about
32:32
just, yeah, making a podcast is meeting people get getting to
32:35
know their stories for other people to be able to join in on
32:37
that conversation. And like you said, it's not
32:39
filtered like social media is. It's just an honest
32:42
conversation. I love the work that you're
32:44
doing. Please, please keep going.
32:46
And I'm glad that you recognise how amazing it is.
32:50
And I'm glad that you're also proud of it because going on
32:52
your podcast and just being able to scroll for so long through so
32:55
many really important episodes is amazing.
32:59
So please keep going. I keep smiling.
33:02
I see what you're doing there. Well then.
33:04
Is it available on all podcast platforms?
33:06
Available on all podcast platforms.
33:09
I'm so bad at marketing. It's like, yeah, just just type
33:12
it in. It'll pop up somewhere, maybe,
33:14
hopefully. You're doing so much and you've
33:17
obviously, as we know, been through a lot.
33:20
What inspires you from day-to-day or who?
33:24
That's a big question. I don't know, but you know when
33:26
people say like who inspires, it sounds bad.
33:28
But I think because my experience is so unique, you
33:30
can't like encapsulate it with one person and think I want
33:33
this. But I think I'll say from the
33:36
podcast conversations that I have, you get inspired by
33:38
different people's narratives and being able to reframe and
33:42
being able to overcome challenges and grow as a
33:46
consequence. So I think it's more those
33:48
concepts that I'm inspired by and recognising that, OK, even
33:51
though I've gone through difficulties, even though, you
33:54
know, difficulties may still arise, I can still grow, I can
33:58
still learn. I know that I've been through a
34:00
rough patch. So now I don't want to just live
34:05
a very mundane, baseline, conventional, traditional life.
34:10
If that's what suits you, I mean, go for it.
34:12
But for me, it's the knowledge that I haven't just gone through
34:15
that for the sake of just being like, yeah, that's it, done.
34:18
I want to be able to leverage on that and not just live
34:21
traditionally or at a baseline. I want to grow.
34:24
I want to do really cool things and to travel the world, achieve
34:29
great things, meet cool people, have great experiences.
34:32
And also the potential of the future and what the future
34:35
holds. Yeah, which is scary but also
34:37
exciting. It's 2 sided.
34:39
Yeah, of the future. What's next for Laura Rebecca?
34:43
Actually, I'm taking a podcast hiatus as you say.
34:45
I've got literally two more episodes to go and then I am
34:49
actually pausing for a moment because I have a one way ticket
34:52
to Southeast Asia in 2 1/2 weeks.
34:56
That's so soon wait but but by the I'm.
34:58
Freaking out already? By the time this episode this
35:01
episode won't come out until later into 2025, so you'll I'll
35:05
have. I'm there, you're here.
35:07
I'm tanning. I am accumulating visas as we
35:10
speak. I'm leaving on the 10th of
35:14
December. What's your What's your goal?
35:16
Obviously, I want to see great things.
35:18
I want to do the Hajang Lube in Vietnam.
35:20
I want to go and, you know, explore the eastern island of
35:24
Thailand. I want to, you know, island hop
35:27
in the Philippines. I want to sleep in a floating
35:30
bungalow in Cul Sack National Park and, you know, and have all
35:33
these incredible opportunities and meet people.
35:35
But really, I just want to learn to live in the moment and
35:38
relinquish this need of achievement and validating a day
35:44
if it's only meant I've ticked boxes.
35:46
You know, I'm an academic, I have routines and structures and
35:50
built into my life that I've kind of sought comfort in.
35:54
You know, I need to know the structure, the routine,
35:56
predictability. So I want to learn to just wake
35:58
up and not have an immediate plan.
36:00
I've done solo backpacking in the past, but they've only been
36:02
for a couple weeks and they have been very much structured and
36:05
organised by an Excel spreadsheet.
36:07
But whereas travelling to Southeast E, you can't really
36:09
control because you don't know who you're going to meet, you
36:11
don't know what recommendations you're going to get, you don't
36:13
know who says that oh, we're going to go here, do you want to
36:16
join? There's so much unpredictability
36:19
that it gives me the shivers. But that's what I need to do for
36:24
my growth because I work hard, most certainly.
36:27
But I've come to a place of comfort and routine and
36:32
predictability. I need to just challenge myself
36:35
and I don't like the winter and I need to not be in the UK
36:39
during January. Can I?
36:42
Can I come with you? Please do, Jimmy, do you mind
36:44
people that say, oh, actually I'm going to be here during this
36:46
month during the meeting? I'm like sure thing like this is
36:50
bizarre. So crazy.
36:52
Wow. I'm so excited for you and I'm
36:54
so excited to see it all unravel on Instagram, probably.
36:58
Oh, I'll tell you what I think I need to learn to also live the
37:01
present moment and be like, hey, watch it, look it.
37:03
OK, now capture. It Yeah.
37:05
Exactly. No, I understand why people
37:07
aren't fans of taking pictures of everything.
37:09
I have to just because I love looking back at pictures and
37:12
just reliving that time. I'm remembering the moments and.
37:15
Since I was 17, I've made huge scrapbooks and they're all into
37:19
my bed and I'll make them until I'm old and grey, because
37:24
there's nothing better than printing out photos, having
37:26
these memories attached, you know?
37:28
Sometimes I have serviettes and sachets of cinnamon from when I
37:31
got my first pastel de nada when I was backpack in Portugal.
37:34
And you know that note that that cute guy gave me, you know, just
37:38
all these like random little things that have so much meaning
37:40
and value and purpose. I can't wait to have those
37:43
memories. That's so exciting.
37:45
A lot of epiphanies as I watch sunrise and different beaches
37:47
and I'll be journaling like there's no tomorrow.
37:51
I would like to end this podcast by asking a question that I ask
37:54
all my interviewees, and I'm sure you've been asked this a
37:57
lot throughout the years. If you think of little Lara in
38:01
that dark place and not knowing if there is another side to it,
38:06
what piece of advice would you give young Lara or anyone else
38:09
in that position? I think I'll say your advice,
38:11
but just like reassurance that you do get out of it because
38:13
when you're in it, you're so trapped, you're so stuck, you're
38:16
so over consumed by it that you just think this is it.
38:20
This is how life is. You know you will smile again
38:23
and you will laugh again, not just because of the hormones
38:27
pumped into you with those antidepressants.
38:29
You will genuinely do it from your own existence.
38:32
Even though right now, at this moment it feels dark and sticky
38:35
and over consuming. With time and patience, you will
38:39
get there. I like that reassurance because
38:41
it doesn't just apply to 1 certain situation.
38:44
It can be anyone who's going through any kind of a tough time
38:47
in their life. There's always a light at the
38:49
end of the tunnel. And I wonder what like Lara, for
38:51
five years or even 6 years, as we say, for the previous time we
38:54
spoke, her head is going to say to me now, you know, she's going
38:57
to say embrace spontaneity, go for it, you know, delve in
39:00
through the deep bends and go travelling and say yes to
39:03
opportunities because things will work out.
39:05
You know, right now I'm in this doubt and this hesitation of
39:07
what is things, you know, what is life going to do?
39:09
How are things going to unfold? But it's just the reassurance
39:11
that yeah, things are going to work out.
39:13
Just got to make sure we're consciously living in alignment
39:15
with the values and purposes and doing what makes your heart
39:17
saying. Amazing.
39:18
Genuinely, thank you so much for coming onto the podcast.
39:21
Ever since I started my podcast, I've been thinking about the
39:24
interviews that I did when I first started out in radio an
39:26
hour chat and it's been a goal to try and get you onto
39:30
Unbalance. It's such a reflective moment to
39:32
think recovery doesn't just stop from when I was 18.
39:34
And we have that first, you know, my, my journey and my
39:37
growth has been ongoing, you know, from then I, I think I, I
39:41
dropped out of maths and I hadn't, I wasn't even in, you
39:44
know, doing an undergrad. So things have transformed and
39:46
changed. So yeah, once once I'm back,
39:48
I'll have to get you online once I once I come off the hiatus and
39:52
I collect dust off of the microphone.
39:55
I really enjoyed our chat today and I hope you guys have enjoyed
39:58
our conversation as well. If you have any questions for
40:01
Lara or if you have any comments after listening to this episode,
40:05
make sure to comment in the Q&A box underneath.
40:08
Make sure to follow Lara on socials.
40:10
Where can we find you? Lara, double underscore,
40:12
Rebecca. And don't forget to follow and
40:15
rate this podcast 5 stars. Thank you so much to Cure LDMD 2
40:19
I for sponsoring this podcast. I'll be back with you guys in
40:22
another couple weeks, but until then, bye.