Latest / Inspiring Stories / Bring Our Estranged Children Home

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Bring Our Estranged Children Home · Inspiring Stories

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Thank you for listening to de Pictures Media Radio. You rat you readything to
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me? Oh well, jus well not a bad stop. I just need
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so splash along you is it dead is? Today's show is an important show,
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especially if you're a senior and you have grown children, or if you
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are that grown child of a senior. Sit down and listen, because we're
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gonna hit some topics that maybe or maybe you haven't run into. Maybe you
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have a wonderful, working relationship with your elderly parents or your grown children,
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and there isn't anything really wrong, but we might still be able to help
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in cads you do hit that bump in the road. Maybe you are in
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a situation where you are astrained from your elder parents or your grown children.
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Maybe there was a disagreement that sent you both spiraling off. Maybe there was
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a crossing of boundaries that shouldn't have happened. All this can be fixed,
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and our next guess is a gentle soul who has some friendly advice so wants
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to help us bridge the gaps between one side to the other, to help
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us realize that we're all still just human beings trying to learn and get along.
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Maybe we need to listen a little more. Maybe we need to be
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respectful of each other's boundaries. And our next guest, D is going to
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come on and talk to us about the problem of an elderly parent being strained
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from the grown child and thus not being able to see their grandchildren and being
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separated from what is important in their life in their later years. So let's
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welcome D to the show. And she's going to tell us about her process
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and tell us about her support groups and how she helps seniors get reunited with
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their children, their grandchildren and maybe even their great grandchildren. Welcome to the
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show. Date. You know, I don't think people really understand the scope
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of what is streaming really is and what it does to our our psyche.
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So you deal with this a lot. So once you go into that a
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little bit, and you know, because we all need to know what it
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really means, right, Okay, okay, Well, strange man. First
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of all, doesn't discriminate against race or religion. Also, estrangement it happens
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in all walks of life. And when it happens, it happens so quickly
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that the parents go in shock. Because there's a lot of parents that never
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expected this to happen in their family because the way they raise their children,
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they did it to the best of their ability. They gave them everything they
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could ever wanted, love, attention, money, paid for their school tuitions,
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everything, And then all of a sudden, one day the child will
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estrange the parent and there's no reason given. And then when the parent tries
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to contact the child, they are when themselves even more deeper away from the
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child because when the child says no contact, they mean no contact, and
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that means no phone calls, no text messages, no nothing. Do not
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send them gifts, do not send them any mail, it's no contact.
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Well then that's pretty tough pill to swallow as a parent, because I mean,
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well literally, it's like you help them as a baby, You change
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their diaper, you fed them, if your mom, you know, the
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whole bonding of breastfeeding in all that kind of stuff. Right, Many many
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dads have gotten up at two am with a bottle. You know. It's
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like you remember those things, and you remember all the love that you poured
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into this person. For them to slam a door shadow on you, it's
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pretty Yeah, it's becoming more and more common. There is one out of
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four parents that are strange from their adult child. And this is worldwide,
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not just in Canada, not just in the US. It's Australia, England,
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South Africa, everywhere in the world. Estrangement is happening, and it's
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more and more common, and people have to be aware of this. You
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know. I really want people to know because if it ever happens to them,
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there's I want them to know that they're not alone and there are safe
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places where they can go and talk about it, because it's totally devastating,
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it's heartbreaking. They go in shock because it's like they can't believe this's just
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happened to them. It's like devastating, you know, they go into depression,
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they isolate themselves, they're embarrassed, and at the workplace, if they
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tell anyone for some reason, people they just automatically will judge you. Oh,
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you must have been a bad parent, you must have done something wrong.
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That's not always the case. Well, okay, it could be a
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misunderstanding. Not necessarily you're a bed parent, right right estrange when happens over
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all different sorts of things. It could be over religion, it can be
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over political differences. It can also be some children they call abuse now,
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which we just when we were raised and brought up, it was a normal
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thing for us. Yes, you know, like we would call it discipline.
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Now they call everything abuse. Time out is abuse. You know,
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that's not fair because we did the best that we could at that time with
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what we knew and the way that we were raised. We never questioned our
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parents. Maybe some things that our parents taught us were not right, but
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we never questioned that. We just have gone well. We would never decide
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to estrange them or roll them out to the curb. That would probably never
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cross our minds. Yeah, now I know on a personal level that you
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know, I asked my mom one time to babysit for me and who's now
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my ex wife, so we could go to the movies, and the movie
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ran a little later, traffic took a little longer, and everything. It's
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like, you know, hey, it's my mom, it should all be
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good, right. And what he didn't know was that she hadn't told me
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was that she had something that she wanted to do and me being late coming
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back to pick up my daughter have becoming issue. So she decided to come
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crashing down at me like a stack of barrels but that could have led to
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an instrement. But but there's a conscious decision, isn't there to say,
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hey, wait a second, let's stop, Let's ask a question rather than
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react and do something right? So I said, well, did you miss
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a church thing or something, or like a prayer session that you wanted to
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go to or something, And she's like, well, you know how important
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prayer is to me and then all my church groups. I was like,
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there, it was right. But if I had just stormed off, grabbed
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my kid up, and just stormed off, I would never found that out,
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and I would have never understood that me being late became a hardship.
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I just thought my mom was being mean. So how do we fix those
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perspectives exactly? And the thing is, I think there was not enough communication
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with our children. Maybe when they were younger, maybe we didn't take them
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seriously enough when they would speak about things. Oh, well, they're just
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a child, you know, they'll get over it the way that we got
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over things. And the thing is, I believe the way that we were
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raised and sometimes maybe it wasn't all good we brought into the raising of our
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children, even though we said we'll never raise our children the way our parents
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raised us, but for some reason it kind of winds in there and we
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do. It's like you'll catch yourself going, oh, I remember my mom
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saying that to me, and I'm saying that to my daughter now. So
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there is and to me, there is no perfect parent. Parents do make
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mistakes. I made mistakes. I'm sure my parents made mistakes. But it's
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the way you look at it, the perspective that means a lot, because
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you could take it the wrong way or you could just let it go right.
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I like, I like what you said there the wrong way or let
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it go right? Is the last time I checked? Right? As a
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parent, you're still flesh and blood, right, you would think so,
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But nowadays a blood relative means nothing to a lot of the new generation,
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like they'll still cut you off no matter blood or not blood. So I
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find that a little bit difficult also to deal with. And it's just so
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much that you could talk about, and there's just so many different scenarios which
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you have to handle differently because everyone is unique in their own way and they've
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all estranged in different ways. Who is one thing that I talked to somebody
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about it It was the saying my house, my rules. Yes, right,
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now it's given the given, given the uh, the left perspective because
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I hate it right and wrong, but left and right sounds good. Given
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the left perspective that oh, you're you're just using your house as it means
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to abuse me. The right perspective could be something along the lines of,
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oh, well, wait a second, I didn't know that was a rule.
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Can you let me know what the rule is and how I can abide
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by that rule? So okay. For an example, there was a parent
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that had a grandson that came over, and the way the parent was raised,
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you always take your hat off at the dinner table. Nowadays that rule
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does not fly because the parent will say, I bought the hat for him
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to wear, and if you keep telling or keep reminding them about it,
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then they say that you're bullying him if you keep telling him, you know,
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oh, why is he still wearing that hat? Why is he still
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wearing that hat? He should take it off at the dinner table. And
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then it's like, okay, well, it's my house, my rules,
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and they'll say, okay, we won't come over anymore, So who's the
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bully? Now they're putting you into a spot saying if you don't do it
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my way, then we're not going to come over anymore. We're not going
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to see you anymore. Yeah, you have a good point, is now
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who is doing the bullying? And you know, and they don't call it.
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They call it I'm defending my son. I'm defending him, and it's
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like I don't. It's all matter again a perspective of which way you look
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at it. Well, I would think that even if if if it was
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said, it's like, you know what, even when I was a kid,
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I thought that was a stupid rule. At least they voiced their opinion
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about what they thought of the rule to begin with. It's like, and
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you have something to work with, right, but just saying blanketedly that if
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you don't allow him to wear the hat, then we're not coming. That's
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that's closing a door rather than communicating right. Right. And it's a lot
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of these things that happen. It's the smallest things that you wouldn't even imagine
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that was a problem, but it adds up and adds up and adds up,
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and then all of a sudden you're estranged. They will estrange you,
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and a lot of times they won't give you an explanation because they will tell
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you I've told you many times, but it was never sit down conversation between
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the adult and the child. It was just little things that added up and
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added up through their childhood and tell they were adults and then they estranged you
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because you would think if their childhood was that bad, why didn't they say
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something before? Why do they wait till they're like older, like in their
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forties with their own children? Is it? Because nowadays they raise children differently,
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So maybe they're looking at it like the way we raise our children now
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is better than what the way that you raised us. So the way you
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raised us is wrong, but the way we're raising our children are right.
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This is the right way. Mmm. I think that there's only a way,
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not a right or wrong way. No, it's what you think is
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what you're doing the best that you can right, right, but the right
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right. But the way that they're thinking is that we did it the wrong
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way and they're doing it the right way, which should be a big argument
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right there. Well, it leads me to another respect. They say respect
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is not given, respect is earned. When I was growing up, you
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just automatically would respect your elders. Yeah, but nowadays it doesn't matter if
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you're elder or not, or it doesn't matter if you're a parent, doesn't
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matter who you are. You have to earn respect because they just don't give
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respect anymore. You have to earn their respect. Yeah. Yeah, and
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you would think that, Okay, there are some some exceptions out there,
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but for the most part, yes, you would think that having lived a
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life of however old we are, no, I'm not giving out any specific
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numbers, you would think that that if you lived a good, a successful
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life, you provided them with a happy home, a home it was full
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of love, that that would and of itself would have earned it. This
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does that make sense? It does to us, but not to them.
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And plus, there were parents that were divorced, so a lot of times,
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even though they could have been close with the mother, they take the
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father's side. Well, or if they're close with the father, they take
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the mother's side. It's like there's no balance there really. Okay, So
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when I grew up, right, you were going to talk about the divorce
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issue, and this made divorced for me a serious issue. I grew up
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very much so that if you got divorced, it was a sin. Yes,
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so you don't break up the family unit. It's like, so when
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when I got to when I got divorced the first time, I mean I
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got I got hit with the the oh you're such a failure, you're you're
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It's like, oh yeah, and by the way, you're the male.
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So you must have been cheating on her or beating on her or something behind
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closed doors that we didn't know about because I have an older sister and my
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of course my mother. And that's just the way it's thought. And and
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then most of most most of my sister's kids are are girls, so you
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know, and it's led to an estrangement with with my one niece because I
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don't know what my sister told them about what happened with my divorce. I
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didn't because I closed. I closed the book on that. I was like,
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no, you guys cannot see what is happening here. It isn't happening.
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I don't need I don't want you in there. So I shut I
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shut my mother and my sister out. I shut it as well as my
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brother. I shut them out or there. They don't they don't need to
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know what happened in that courtroom. It was between me, my my ex
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wife, and the judge. There's a public record and I had it sealed
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against them. They can't they can't look at it, and as a result,
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because they don't know what happened, they formed their own opinions. And
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later on, this is like twenty years later, I'm finding out that it's
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like, oh, you really didn't know anything that was happening in my house,
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So how do you? How do you bridge gaps when people just stopped
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listening? Though? The only way with this strange child, it's up to
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them if they want to have a reconciliation or not. No matter what you
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do, you could bay or anything, you could, whatever you do,
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cry, it doesn't matter to them. It's up to them if they want
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to have you back in their life or not. And ninety eight percent of
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the time they do not. So then the parents, because they're so crushed,
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all they do is think about their child, that they want their child
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back in their life. They want their child back in their life. And
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then after so many years, like some people are going twenty years, after
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twenty years, they finally wake up and they say, I don't think this
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is going to happen. I just wasted twenty years of my life by wanting
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my child back and willing on my child that this never did happen. So
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what I would suggest is anyone that is a strange founder child, your first
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priority is you. You've been a caregiver to everyone all your life, and
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I'm sure you even put yourself to the side for many things to make sure
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your family had everything. Now it's time for you. If you're a strange
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do not wait for them to reconciliate. What you should be doing is taking
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care of yourself. Take care of your health is so important because estrangement has
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a big effect on your health mentally and physically, so that is really important
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to take care of yourself, take care of your health and do things just
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for you. When your child, if they decide to come back into your
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life and they have set their boundaries, make sure you have a set of
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boundaries also, because any relationship that breaks up goes two ways. There's good
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and bad from both sides. But when they want to get back together and
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they set their boundaries, they expect you to follow their boundaries as if you
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have no say. So this is where I feel you have to know your
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worth, know your worth and know that your boundaries matter too. If you
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can't connect with the boundaries and you're just gonna go with their boundaries, then
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expect to be their doormat also, So have your own test of boundaries because
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you have your own set are worth, right mm hmm okay, because if
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you just go with your It happened to me the first time I was estrange,
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and it happened to me. My daughter set the rules, and I
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was just so thankful that she wanted me back in her life that I said,
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yes, I agreed to everything. But it doesn't work out that way
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because after a while, you will see the bullying happening, right, you
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know, And once this starts happening, you're feeling worse again. You're feeling
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so deprosed again, and you know that you made the wrong choice. So
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now it's up to you what you can do about it. And if you
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start to speak up for yourself, that's it. They'll cut you out of
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their life again with no problem. So come up with your own set of
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boundaries and try to communicate so that those two sets of boundaries and rules mesh
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together. Because if there's only one set of boundaries, that's not going to
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work. Yeah, there might be one percent chance it'll work, but out
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of statistics and people that I've talked to and clients, second time around,
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it always happens. Yeah. Well, and that could lead to like a
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a zero preent chance of reconciliation the second time around, exactly so. And
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if there is a second time around, a lot of times that doesn't work
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out either. Yeah, for the same reasons. Unless you're putting your boundaries
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in and you both agree. But if it's only one sided, no,
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yeah, so we have to come together and work together. So is this
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some of the things that you teach in your group sessions, in your in
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your coaching. Yes. And another thing is the mindset. You have to
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change your mindset. Yeah. You have to get out of all your negativity
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and think more positive and always there's you have to find something good in every
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situation, even in estrangement, because maybe the this is where you are supposed
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to be in your life at this time. Maybe it's time for you to
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enjoy your life. Yeah, because your children cannot just bring you happiness.
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You have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you, even your
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children. And if you don't love yourself respect, yourself, have self worth.
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How do you expect other people to see you that way? They'll walk
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over you, they will take advantage, and they will use you as a
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doormat. So the choice is yours In the end, the choice is yours.
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Yeah, you just said something really really important in that find something good
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because there's a lot of people out there that they want to wallow in their
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own pain and their own Oh you can stay think you can stay on the
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pity train for a long time, trust me, you know, because it's
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easier to stay there than it is to work on yourself to help yourself to
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get better. But if you don't, nobody's going to do that for you.
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Nobody can do that for you. Even if you have good friends and
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family that are rooting for you and is going please you know. I want
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you to see you do better. I want to see you happy, they
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still can't do anything for you unless you work on yourself to make yourself happy.
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You have to do it for you, not do it because oh,
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if if I work on myself, I'm happy, then my children will want
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me back. No work on yourself. So I had a question with that
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one. Then okay, in your view, The happiness has to come from
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within, right right, not not some exterior sorts. It's inside of you,
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right, yes, So how do you help you depriving that by changing
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their mindset, by getting rid of all their negativity, negative thoughts, negative
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actions, and just the simple things in life can actually make you happy.
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You don't have to spend money. Like, when's the last time you went
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for a walk and stopped and just picked up a flower and smelled that flower?
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Like nature, Go back to nature where everything has started. That starts
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to give you a little bit of purpose. How did that flower get so
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beautiful because you nurture it? Like when people think that, oh, the
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neighbor has a better life, a better house, a better car. No,
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you could have that too. You could have whatever anyone else has.
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As long as you nurture yourself, you take care of yourself, you can
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have everything or anything you've ever wanted and happiness. M Yeah, because nobody
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can give you happiness. Someone can make you happy at the moment, but
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you have to be happy yourself. Yeah, that's very true, you know,
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because if you're going to walk around negative, that vibe it brushes off
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on other people and they may oh, hi, how are you. Let's
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have coffee, okay, But then slowly, slowly, if you start getting
34:12
into depression, you start to isolate yourself. People don't know how to deal
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with that. So instead of trying to help you, because they don't know
34:23
how, they just stay away. And then you're going to end up losing
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a lot of friends. And found me that way too. So this is
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why I'm saying. When you're estranged and you do get into depression, you
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have to help yourself to find that way out and little steps here and there.
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It's a big accomplishment for someone that has gone through an estrangement and been
34:52
through depression and also isolation. Yeah, that makes sense, a lot of
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sense, you know, take those little steps for ourselves and reach out,
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reach out for help. There's groups out there. I have a group that
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I've just started. It's going to be brand new, it'll probably be set
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up, it should be set up by tomorrow the latest. And it's the
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Parents of a Strange Adult Children's support group where if you aren't a strange parent,
35:30
you're welcome there. It'll be a safe place that you could talk about
35:34
things and it will be really helpful because you're not alone there are thousands of
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estrange parents, but you just don't know about it because it's something they don't
35:47
want to talk about. Yeah, can you describe maybe the group dynamic?
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Okay with you? It's kind of the setting so they stay safe for people.
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It's a safe setting. It's you will have to ask. I will
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be asking a lot of questions before you can even join the group to make
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sure that we're having the right people in there. Once in a while.
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Yes, as soon as it could have a slip that someone's going to get
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through the cracks, of course is normal. But as soon as we find
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out they're out of there, you know, like some parents will try to
36:30
get into a group or as strange children and the stuff that they hear in
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there they're not liking. Well, you should not be in there. You
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should not be snooping, you know, because that's only going to make matters
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worse. And the thing is, how would you like it privacy? If
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someone invaded your privacy, no matter if they're your child or who they are,
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you wouldn't want your privacy invaded. Why are you going to a group
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that you don't belong in? That's not fair? Or just to see what
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they're saying about the parents, What is that going to get you? What
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is the purpose? Yeah? In some respects that lead back to what we
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were saying about work on yourself. So be part of that group of people
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that have have a similar problem but at the same time are sitting there wallowing
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in this self hiti party. The thing is we uplift each other, we
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support each other. And this is what's important because you could talk to someone
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that's never been estrange from their child before and they really don't get it.
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They really don't understand. So in this group, it's parents said, have
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gone through what you've gone through. Maybe a little bit different. Their stories
38:07
are a little bit different, but it's all common ground. It is estrangement.
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And when you tell your story, it helps others also to say,
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wow, that sounds like I could have written that because it hits home with
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them. So it does help them to also talk about what happened to them.
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And the more people that we can get in the group, the more
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support you have. But we have to make sure that they're the safe people
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who have understanding. Right. So yeah, okay, so and it's free,
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it's a free group. Yeah, what is the what is the result
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that you want to have for the people to work with you. The result
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would be to if I could help at least one person, that would be
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a blessing. And when you do help one person, it will snowball.
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So hopefully there will be a lot of people out there that will get some
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help, get their life back and start living it. Because you, any
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of that strange parents have more time behind them than they do in front of
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them, So don't waste any more of your time. Start to enjoy your
39:47
life because you deserve it. You deserve to have the best life that you
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can live. Also, yeah, all right, best ways to get hold
40:04
of you to get a hold of me with the email me at life Coach
40:12
seven five seven eight at gmail dot com. You can contact me through my
40:20
Facebook page which is Deborah d. So those two ways you can contact me.
40:30
All right, Well, thank you Deve for your time today and your
40:36
insight. It was my pleasure. Thank you, Michael, Yeah, and
40:40
thank you everybody for listening today. And find that subscribe button wherever it is
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on your screen and if you come across our support link, it is there
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that we touch. Okay, all right bye for not everybody help us to
41:23
son, I don't know so your own action so what you read it for
41:45
that chas guys, I sit me u cho you wall sho you can't dres
42:12
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