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Joy: The Pressure to Always Be Okay · Mosaic Sparks with Lesley George

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: How are you?
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fine.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: You sure?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, I'm good.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sparklers.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had someone tell you they were fine and everything in their face told you that?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Fine.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: Had packed this bags and left.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Probably about three days ago.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe that person was you.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: You went to work, fine.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Answered the phone, fine.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Walked into church, fine.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Picked up your kids fine.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Handle what needed to be handled, fine.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then somebody finally asked a question differently.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Not how are you?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: They looked at you and said, no, how are you really?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly you didn't have an answer.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Not because nothing was wrong.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: You couldn't find the words.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Today, sparklers, I want to talk about that word fine.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes fine describes how we feel.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes fine is a hiding place.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And our Disney character today knows something about what happens when we decide certain emotions are welcome and others need to stay out of sight.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about joy.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: Don't come down, don't smoke.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: This is where we take characters and stories we already know and look at them through a different lens.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: The lens may be leadership, confidence, identity, or it's just simply life.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're definitely going there.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: But before we do, September deserves some love.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are celebrating a birthday, anniversary, promotion, any type of special milestone, Mosaic Sparks is sending love your way.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to celebrate yourself.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I have something to celebrate too.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Mosaic Sparks recently reached the top 100% globally of all podcasts on listen notes.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Here is what made that moment even sweeter.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I found out on the exact day Mosaic Sparks turned five months old.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Five months.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: You press play, you come back, you share the episode, you've told somebody, and you became a sparkler.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: So this belongs to us.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I have to send some love to San Antonio, Texas, and Council Bluffs, Iowa.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Those are two new areas that popped up that are listening.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: I see you listening.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get into today's conversation.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because I want to know how are you?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: And please don't automatically tell me you are fine.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about Joy.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: In Disney and Pixar's Inside Out, Joy has one major objective.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: She wants Riley to be happy.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Joy loves happiness.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: She protects happiness.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: She tries to create happiness.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's sadness.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness, poor sadness.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Joy basically spends all of the movie trying to figure out what we are supposed to do with her.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: Joy doesn't understand why sadness needs to touch anything.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Why does writing need sadness when she can have joy?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Put sadness over there.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Keep her inside the circle.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Don't touch anything.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Stay away from memories.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that is where I started thinking about us.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because how many of us have created our own little circle of emotions we don't want anybody to see?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Stay over there, disappointment.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not today, grief.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Fear, hush.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Anger, definitely don't come out at work.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness, we have company coming over.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: What about anxiety?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have a meeting in ten minutes.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sadness, fix your face.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to church.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Joy.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Girl, come on out.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody likes you.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way, many of us learned which emotion other people are comfortable receiving.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Think about our everyday language.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Things like, how are you?
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm fine.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: How's everything?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's good.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: How's work?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Can't complain.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: How's the family?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody is good.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Then we just keep moving.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that's just simple conversation.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't need to give the Cash Yet Public the unabridged edition of my life because she asks how my day is going.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: There are also moments when fine means something very different.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes fine means I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or I don't know what I'm feeling, but I don't trust the space enough to say it.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: If I tell you the truth, you're going to try and fix me.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody depends on me.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't have the luxury of falling apart today.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes if I start talking, I might cry.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I have somewhere to be that one.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody listening knows exactly what I mean.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: This actually happened to me over the weekend.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: We were attending, the family was attending a celebration.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And in this celebration, I was attempted to make a make a speech or speak about something, and I couldn't because I was just full of tears.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And the amazing thing about that was some people said, Oh my goodness, I didn't know that you cried.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of hid me a certain way.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I started thinking, do I hide when I'm sad or emotional that other people in the family don't see that?
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: That they may see me as the one that is what you want to call, quote unquote, the strong one.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want that label.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it is okay for me to cry.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay that if I'm feeling sadness or whatever I'm feeling to express that emotion.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm going to really be very conscious about that, especially around my family, because I don't want them to think that I am someone that's always fine.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so here's something I want us to consider.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: What happens when somebody genuinely can't tell you how they feel?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: We may ask what's wrong, and they say, I don't know.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: We may keep pushing.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: What do you mean you don't know?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: They may truly not know.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: They know something feels off.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: They know they are irritated.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Something may feel heavy.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: They may even feel restless or disconnected.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: What about being overwhelmed or tired?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: But tired doesn't quite explain it.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Mad doesn't quite explain it.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: So they grab the easiest available word.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: That's that F word.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Fine.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional language matters because it helps us identify what we are actually experiencing.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: There's a difference between I am angry, disappointed, I feel dismissed, what about, I feel overlooked, I'm grieving, I feel lonely.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Those experiences may look similar from the outside, but they need very different things from us.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm disappointed, I may need perspective.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: If I feel dismissed, I may need to use my voice.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And then if, excuse me, if I feel overwhelmed, I may need something taken off my plate.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here is the other side.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Some of us have plenty of emotional vocabulary.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: We know exactly what we feel, but we aren't saying it because we have learned to perform.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know how we walk into the room, we smile, good morning.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: We handle our business.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: We make that presentation, lead the meeting, answer the emails.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: We serve, we laugh, we do all the things.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody knows that you sat in the car for 10 minutes before you walked inside.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's different.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: That is not a vocabulary problem.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: That can be a safety problem, a trust problem, or even an identity problem.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because if everybody knows you as a strong one, what happens when you aren't strong today at work?
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Let's put this.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: A manager who says, My door is always open, may believe they have created psychological safety.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: I know that you've heard that in the workplace.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: The real question is: what happens when someone actually walks through that door with something uncomfortable?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's take that to home.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we are closest to people whose emotional language we understand the least.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: What about teenagers?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: They don't say nothing.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Your spouse may say, I'm good.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your mother, don't worry about me.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: And your friend say, Girl, I'm okay.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: We hear the words and ignore everything else.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes love needs another question.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Not an interrogation, but curiosity.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: What kind of day was it?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: What happened that made you feel that way?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want me to listen, help you think through it, or give you some space?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: That last question is powerful.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because everybody who tells you about a problem is not requesting a solution.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Somebody needs to put that t-shirt on.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's go to church.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: How are you?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: I know there's somebody that knows this.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Blessed and highly favored.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: But how are you?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: There can be erroneous pressure in faith communities to put that good face on in difficult seasons.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's people, they know the language, they know the responses, they know the call and responses.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: We know what we're supposed to say.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes the people saying God is good genuinely believes God is good and is also hurting deeply.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And those realities can exist together.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Faith does not require the disappearance of human emotion.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: The most meaningful thing we can offer another person is another room to tell the truth without immediately correcting the feeling.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they don't need a scripture in the first 30 seconds.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they need I'm here.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Tell me what happened.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: That may sound difficult, but what do you need?
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Then there's room for prayer.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: There is room for encouragement and hope.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: And there's also room for the person.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You know, in the movie Inside Out, Joy's big lesson, and this is where Joy finally teaches us something important.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sadness had a purpose.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: When Riley was hurting, sadness helped communicate that something was not okay.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: And when people could see that Riley wasn't okay, they could respond to her.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the emotion we are trying the hardest to hide contains the information somebody needs in order to support us.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean everybody deserves access to our emotions.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: They don't.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: Privacy is healthy, and so are boundaries.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And discernment definitely is important.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: The lesson is about knowing the difference between.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, people learn to bring you edited versions.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Then you are leading from you are leading from incomplete information, which can be very dangerous.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: The strongest person in the room doesn't have to be the happiest person in the room.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: The strongest person may be the one who can say something is not right and we need to talk about it.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: So, sparklers, here is what I want you to practice this week.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Ask someone, genuinely ask someone, how are you?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: If they say fine, don't automatically assume that fine is a distress signal.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Respect their answer.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: But with the people you know well, pay attention.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe ask, how are you really?
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or what has been taking up most of your headspace lately?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or what's been heavy on your mind?
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: What's been good and what's been hard?
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then do something radical.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: Listen.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't race joy into the room.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Don't fix it.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: Don't turn it into your story.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: Don't immediately tell them what they should do.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Give sadness a chair.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Let disappointment pull up.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: What about letting fear hang out on the sofa and give frustration a place to sit?
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Joy can sit there too, but there is enough room.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: And here is your brag moment.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Brag is connected to voice.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your voice has to be able to tell the truth about more than your accomplishments.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes using your voice sounds like, I'm proud of myself.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: I need help.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: That hurt me.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't agree.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I need some time.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's emotional honesty.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe this week your brag isn't about announcing something you accomplish.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your brag is having enough confidence to stop saying, fine.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: When the truth needs a better word.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: Joy thought her responsibility was to keep Riley happy.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually she learned that Riley needed access to all of herself.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you do too.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to stop choosing joy.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Choose joy.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: Laugh out loud.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Dance.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: Celebrate the win.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: Brag about the accomplishment.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Tell people when life is good.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just don't make joy responsible for covering everything else.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time somebody asks, How are you?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Before fine automatically comes out of your mouth, check in with yourself.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you are fine, grateful, but maybe you're also exhausted and disappointed.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're excited, but you're scared and you're proud.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe you don't even know yet.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: There is language for all of that.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And sparklers, thank you again for helping mosaic sparks reach the top one, sorry, the top 10% globally on listen notes at only five months old.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: San Antonio, Texas, thank you for listening.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Council Bluff, Iowa, thank you for listening and to every sparkler celebrating this special September, we are sending you love.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: So keep celebrating, keep asking better questions, making room for honest answers, and keep using your voice.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'll meet you next week for another incredible conversation right here on Mosaic Sparks with me, Leslie George.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you have enjoyed this episode, share this with a friend.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Leave a review.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Let us know what you like and what you would love to hear on the podcast because we so appreciate your input.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: So until next week, we'll see you on our next episode.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.