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why do you feel so lonely? · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

• 0:00
  Have you ever been in a room full of people?
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  Coworkers, friends, family, people who love you, and despite
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  physically being there, you still just feel lonely?
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  Like there's an invisible wall between you and everyone else?
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  That kind of loneliness is confusing because it makes you
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  feel like something is wrong with you.
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  You're doing what you're supposed to, you're around other
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  people, yet you still just feel lonely.
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  But I want to tell you there's nothing wrong with you, and you
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  definitely aren't alone in that feeling.
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  My name is Ethan Jewell and welcome back to Feel Your
• 0:36
  Feelings. I want to start today's episode
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  off by reading a poem that I wrote.
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  It goes like this. Most days, I don't even know how
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  to put it into words. When I go to therapy, I just
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  tell them that I feel bad, I feel lonely.
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  I think the loneliness is the worst part.
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  Even when I'm around other people, I feel more isolated
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  than ever. It's loneliness in the presence
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  of company, and that is a feeling that I struggled to put
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  into words for years. And it is a horrible feeling.
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  It convinces you that something is wrong with you, that you are
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  doing something wrong, that you are broken.
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  And I think many of us shy away from it because it doesn't line
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  up with the traditional definition of loneliness.
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  And frankly, as a feeling, it doesn't make sense.
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  We're around other people, yet we still feel lonely.
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  Why? I felt so alone and isolated
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  with this feeling for years and I don't want anyone to feel like
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  that. So today we're going to talk
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  about it. So what is this feeling?
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  Where does it come from? We usually think of loneliness
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  to mean isolation. No friends, no texts, no plans.
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  But this feeling is lonely in a much quieter way.
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  And we show up, we laugh, we're present, and still something
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  feels off. Because the truth is, you can be
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  socially connected and emotionally disconnected.
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  You can feel unseen even when people are looking right at you.
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  I like to think of this feeling more as an internal loneliness,
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  or loneliness in the presence of company.
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  It's when you're surrounded by people but you don't feel with
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  them, and this kind of loneliness makes you feel like
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  you're performing. It makes conversations feel
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  shallow even when they're not, and it leaves you feeling
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  emptier after socializing instead of fuller.
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  It is a horrible feeling. But where does this feeling come
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  from? If we're around other people,
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  why do we still feel lonely? Unfortunately, this is going to
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  require a whole lot of self-awareness and a whole lot
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  of self reflection. And this is of course coming
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  from my own experience. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a
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  professional in the mental health industry whatsoever, but
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  I have felt this feeling and I can tell you from my own
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  experience, one of the big things that it comes from is
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  being uncomfortable with our own feelings.
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  A huge reason we feel lonely around others is because we
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  don't feel at home with ourselves.
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  When you're anxious, sad, numb, or overwhelmed and you feel like
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  you shouldn't be. When you carry a guilt inside of
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  you that you shouldn't be feeling a certain way, that
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  guilt will then lead you to unconsciously push other people
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  away. If you convince yourself there's
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  something wrong with you, you're going to try to hide.
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  And then comes the pressure to be normal, to be fun, to be easy
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  to be around. I remember when I was the most
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  depressed that I had ever been. I still found it within me to go
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  be around other people because the pressure that I was putting
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  on myself to be normal and to be happy and to be fun was so
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  intense that it completely overrode anything else in my
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  life. And then I would go, and I would
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  hang out with people. I would go and try to be present
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  despite the feelings that I was feeling, and I would feel like I
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  was putting on a front. I would feel like I had a mask
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  on because I did, and I didn't feel present because I was so
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  busy trying to hide my own emotions.
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  I became overwhelmed with loneliness in the presence of
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  company because I was dealing with depression and anxiety and
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  other mental health issues that I needed to address.
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  And I was pretending they weren't there out of pressure to
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  come across as normal, as not sad.
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  If you're rejecting those parts of yourself internally, it's
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  really hard to feel connected externally.
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  You're there physically, but emotionally you're you're
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  managing, you're hiding, and you're filtering.
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  And that emotional suppression creates distance.
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  A lot of us learn that certain feelings were too much or not
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  welcome, so we learn to keep them tucked away.
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  We suppress these emotions to belong.
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  And that suppression creates a barrier between US and others.
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  You can't feel deeply connected while actively holding parts of
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  yourself back. By holding these parts of
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  ourselves back, by putting on this front, we feel different.
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  Everyone's joking and you're exhausted.
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  Everyone's celebrating, you're grieving, everyone's moving fast
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  and you need to slow down. And that creates the thought, I
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  don't belong here. I don't fit in here.
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  And that thought slowly turns into I don't belong anywhere.
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  When we constantly override our needs in order to keep the
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  peace, to be liked and then not 'cause discomfort, we slowly
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  abandoned ourselves. When you say yes, when you mean
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  no, when you laugh, when you want to be quiet, when you stay,
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  when you want to leave, you are telling yourself that other
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  people's needs are greater than your own.
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  If you're not showing up as you, if you're not showing up in a
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  way that you want to, it makes that connection feel emptier.
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  It makes that connection feel more painful.
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  It makes you feel lonely around other people.
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  This is why I am always preaching to feel your feelings,
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  to be emotionally invested and connected to yourself.
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  Because you are your most important asset.
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  You should be your best friend and you need to look out for
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  yourself. By forcing yourself into
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  situations and ignoring your feelings, instead of leaning
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  into social support, instead of leaning into other people, you
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  are abandoning yourself. You need to take the time to sit
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  down with your feelings and feel them and talk to other people
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  and not put on a front and not put on a mask.
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  And it is difficult. I did it for years.
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  And it is so much easier to pretend.
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  But that pretending leads to this feeling, that pretending
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  leads to loneliness in the presence of others.
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  And that feeling is even more difficult than the pain of being
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  honest with your feelings. So let's talk about the harm of
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  this internal loneliness. Internal loneliness.
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  It builds slow. It isn't a big dramatic moment,
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  but it slowly drains you. It'll lead you to feeling
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  unseen, even in your closest relationships.
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  It'll lead to emotional exhaustion after social
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  interactions because you've been trying to mask for so long.
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  You have been playing a character for so long.
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  It can lead to increased anxiety and self doubt.
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  It can leave you feeling like something is wrong with you.
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  The most painful part of this? It isn't the loneliness.
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  It's believing that you're the problem.
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  When you push down your emotions and pretend to be OK to be
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  around other people, you are convincing yourself that there's
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  something wrong with you. You're convincing yourself that
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  you, at your core, are a problem or you're too much.
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  But for the right people, you will never be too much.
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  For the right people, they will love you and accept you exactly
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  how you are. And that is something to keep in
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  mind. So what can we do to help ease
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  this internal loneliness? How can we start to feel
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  connected again? How can we start to be around
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  others and feel physically present instead of being
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  emotionally detached? There are a few things that we
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  can do, and all of them require self-awareness and self
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  reflection. Once again, I'm not a
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  professional, but these are some things that helped me.
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  And the first one is digging in to some emotional intelligence,
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  shifting into solutions, being slow and compassionate, but most
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  importantly, learning how to understand and be comfortable
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  with your own emotions. And this process is absolutely
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  doable. We need to be able to name what
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  we feel. We need to name it without
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  shying away from it. And we need to name it honestly
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  within ourselves. We need to allow the feelings to
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  come up without judging them. This is the step where many
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  people, myself included, get caught up.
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  We have a feeling come up and we immediately push it down.
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  We ignore it. We feel shame and guilt that we
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  felt that way and we try to feel normal as quick as possible.
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  And that is just unfair. Your emotions, your feelings are
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  there to be felt and you have to feel them.
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  And what that means is simply allowing them to exist.
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  An example from my own life. If I'm going throughout my day
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  and I suddenly feel this wave of sadness or anxiety come over me,
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  I stop. I acknowledge it, I maybe spend
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  a couple minutes with it. I take some deep breaths, and I
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  try to move forward with my day. This is not a foolproof plan.
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  But by acknowledging that feeling, by stopping and sitting
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  with it for a moment, you don't let it overpower you later or
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  throughout the entire day by trying to squish it down because
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  that feeling will come back and it'll come back stronger.
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  So being able to stop and acknowledge your feelings and
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  feel them is very, very important.
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  So instead of saying I feel weird, there's something wrong
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  with me, it slowly becomes I feel anxious and over stimulated
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  right now. And that makes sense.
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  You can be compassionate with yourself.
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  You can say it's OK that I feel this way.
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  I'm going to continue going anyway.
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  When you stop fighting your emotions, you stop feeling so
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  alone with them. And to do this you also have to
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  be self compassionate. Loneliness gets louder when
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  we're hard on ourselves. It gets more difficult when
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  you're shaming or guilting yourself for feeling a certain
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  way. So this self compassion could
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  look like not forcing yourself to always be on, letting your
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  emotional state exist without fixing it.
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  That's a big one. And talking to yourself kindly
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  instead of critically. One thing that I always do is I
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  think if I was talking to a friend this way, would I be a
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  good friend? And often the answer is no.
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  Often I am way too critical and harsh on myself versus how I
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  would be with somebody else. Connection starts internally.
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  If you can sit with yourself gently, others will feel less
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  distant. So let yourself be seen slowly.
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  You don't have to overshare. Connection doesn't come from
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  dumping everything onto one person, but it comes from
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  letting one honest layer show. So a great example is if
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  somebody asks you to do something and you are worn out
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  or you're emotionally drained, or you're feeling depressed, you
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  could just say, hey, I'm actually feeling kind of drained
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  today. I think I'm going to rest.
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  Or if you still want to go, you could say, you know, I feel kind
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  of drained. I don't feel super social, but I
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  still want to be there. If you can be honest about your
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  feelings with your friends and real friends will accept this.
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  If you can be honest, it creates resonance, it creates
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  connection, and it creates a deep understanding for you and
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  other people of what you're feeling.
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  Good friends will understand. Good friends will be there for
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  you. And if it feels like they won't
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  be, maybe they're not that good of a friend.
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  And that leads me to my next point.
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  Choose depth over quantity. You know, more people doesn't
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  equal less loneliness. So focus on fewer and safer
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  connections. People you can be quiet with,
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  people who don't need you to perform.
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  I'm not saying that you need to pour your heart out on your
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  sleeve every single time that you want to hang out with
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  someone. But on those days that you're
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  feeling bad, it helps so much to just be honest and say, hey, I'm
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  not feeling 100% right now. Hey, I might be a little quiet
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  when we're hanging out. By being upfront and honest, it
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  can set an expectation and it can make you feel more
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  comfortable and in turn make the other person also feel more
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  comfortable. And this last one, it sounds
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  cliche. Build a relationship with
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  yourself. Loneliness around others often
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  softens when you stop being a stranger to yourself.
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  So that looks like journaling. Honestly.
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  Spending time alone intentionally and checking in
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  with your needs before ignoring them.
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  The great Ru Paul once said, if you don't love yourself, how in
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  the hell are you going to love someone else?
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  And that is absolutely true. You need to have a solid
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  relationship with yourself and your feelings before you can
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  have that same relationship with others.
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  This is a crucial step in the journey, maybe the most crucial
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  one. I didn't find myself breaking
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  through my loneliness around others until I truly became
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  comfortable with myself. Until I truly loved myself.
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  Messy feelings and all. If you feel lonely around
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  others, it doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean you're
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  awkward, it doesn't mean you're incapable of connection.
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  It usually means there's a part of you that hasn't felt fully
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  welcomed by yourself or others yet.
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  But you can achieve that. So if you struggle with this
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  loneliness, I would highly recommend listening back through
• 13:17
  this episode, listening through the end and figuring out what
• 13:20
  works for you. Do your own research,
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  experiment, try being brutally honest with friends when you're
• 13:27
  not having a great day. Try to practice a little more
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  self compassion, a little more self love for yourself on those
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  rough days. And slowly, with time, you might
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  notice a very big difference. It doesn't happen overnight and
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  it's not easy. It took me 5 or 6 years of
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  trying and failing. But once you do it, once you can
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  be yourself, once you can feel your feelings, once you don't
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  have to put on a mask in front of other people, that loneliness
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  slowly fades away. You don't cure this kind of
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  loneliness by finding more people.
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  You heal it by learning how to be yourself and letting others
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  in when you are. That's going to wrap it up for
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  today's episode. Thank you so much for being
• 14:13
  here. If you enjoyed that poem at the
• 14:15
  beginning of this episode, you can find it in my poetry book I
• 14:19
  Feel Everything All the Time. I'll link it in the description
• 14:22
  along with the merch line that I just dropped.
• 14:24
  If you like this podcast, those two things are the best way that
• 14:28
  you can support me. Also, if you need help feeling
• 14:31
  your feelings, you should check out my music on all platforms
• 14:33
  under the name of Ethan Jewell. I almost guarantee it'll make
• 14:36
  you cry. Also, drop me a comment.
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  Let me know how you deal with this loneliness and how you plan
• 14:41
  on dealing with it moving forward.
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  So thank you so much for being here.
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  Thank you for understanding that nothing is wrong with you and
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  you are capable of finding your way out of this loneliness.
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  And as always, thank you for feeling your feelings.
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  I'll see you next time.