Latest / The You Project / #1604 How Vulnerable Exactly - Harps & Tiff

Transcript

#1604 How Vulnerable Exactly - Harps & Tiff · The You Project

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Divine and cook pray, Anthony Harper.
• 0:03
  Speaker 2: Here we are, Oh bloody hell, look at us like
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: a couple of champs on a Sunday. We should be
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: a church at ten thirty seven. I don't know what charch.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: For me.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: It is somewhat well. I do have the propensity to
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: babble on and people go, can you stop quoting the Bible?
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: All right? All right? I didn't write it.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Though, reach brother Harps, nah, I do love.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Somebody did send me a quite a stern a Christian
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: that sent me quite a stern kind of piece of
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: feedback that I was being in some way disingenuous or
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: somewhat mocking or something, which I genuinely wasn't trying to be.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: But it's funny how they're same, and we're talking about
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: this thousand times. But you know, I'll say one thing
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: and some people are like, oh, mate, that is hilarious.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: You're the best. That's so funny, And then someone else
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: sits down for an hour and writes and rewrites and
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: drafts a fucking thousand word email to tell you that
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: you're going to burn in an eternal lake of fire
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: and that you're being whatever. I'm like, okay, but I
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: understand both, and I'm not mad or you know, I
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: get it. I get it. I get it, and who knows,
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: who knows? They could be right? They could be right.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: The other thing in this, I know you want to
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: talk about a bit of this today, which so this
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: is interesting. But the other thing is the thing about
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: a show like the You Project, where we're sitting down
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: talking every day and it's it's it feels like you
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: and I are sitting in the lounge room with all
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: of the listeners like we're this big. We call it
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: the typ Family. Well I do. I think you do too,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: don't you so? And we forget that this is a
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: podcast that people can just walk People can walk into
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: that room at any point and not necessarily know Craig
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Harper deeply and all the sides of him in his
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: background and his experience with religion and the times you've
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: spoken about it in different ways. And then they come
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: in and hear a bit of a joke and a
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: bit of a snide remark that they take as a
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: snide remark, but you know that's like, oh, they're only
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: hearing one version of Harps and.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: That that's how the world works. And I'm not mad
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: at anyone for that, and even the people that don't
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: like me, it doesn't. It doesn't, you know, if people
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: are horrible and vindictive. But if people just go, I
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: don't really like you, I don't vibe with you, I'm like, cool,
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: Go find someone you like and vibe with. And I
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: mean that genuinely, find somebody that you like to listen
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: to that inspires you. But I think, like I'm as
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: long as you actually want to vibe with someone, doesn't
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: have to be me, and listen to someone or learn
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: from someone, or you know, if if all you do
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: is criticize everyone you listen to and everything you read,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: and then that's that's probably a different thing, but one.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: And even sometimes there's no bigger critic of Craig Harper
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: than Craig Harper. And I listen to things that I've said,
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: like every now and then I'll like, the other day
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: we put up Harry Garside that an interview I did
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: about two years ago, and I thought, because Harry just
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: fought obviously, and we all know he didn't win his fight,
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: but he was just so amazing and gracious and gorgeous
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: post fight, and the things he said, and I went well,
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: let's you know, and I've been running up and back
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: and forward to the country to kind of look after
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: my folks a little bit. So there's a bit going
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: on on Planet Jumbo. And anyway, they're not two short stories.
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: I went, I'll have a bit of a listen to
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: me and Harry to see because I never listened generally back,
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: and I went, I kind of listened to twenty minutes,
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: and I went, Harry's brilliant. But I'm a fucking idiot.
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: It's like that's and I know I'm not an idiot,
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: but I honestly I cringe when I hear my own shit,
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: which is part of the reason that and I know
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: that I know that sometimes that's warranted. Sometimes I'm not
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: doing a great job, for sure, And you've got to
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: be that honest and that brave, I think, because otherwise,
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: if you always think that everyone else is wrong or
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: you are doing a good job when you're not doing
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: a good job, then you can't really learn and grow
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: and evolve and get better because you already think you're there.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: But I listened to it, and I went and I
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: waited up, and I went, well, is this worth putting up?
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Because I didn't like me so much in it, and
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: I think overall it's quite good, and I think the
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: main point is Harry, and Harry's really good. So now,
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: before we go too deep into this chat, Melissa will
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: sack me if I don't mention the fact she's like
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: said she ranging me. Just before we started, She goes,
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: could you please remember now, I'm going to say that
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: I am quite terrible at business, and I am terrible
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: at promoting the things that I have coming up. Considering
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: how much normal people in my position promote the fuck
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: out of their books and programs and you know, offerings,
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: I'm shit. So here's what I'm going to tell you.
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: I've got some workshops coming up.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: Oh whoa right, people have been stomping their feet for
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: these hats.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: Come on, oh have they? Though? I have? So Bendigo, bendigo,
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: I'm coming to you on Sunday, August eighteen. I've written
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: a brand new workshop. It's called Understanding You. Obviously there's
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: you know, we're recovering some stuff, but we're opening new doors.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: We're opening new doors. Some of it's based on my
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: PhD research, some of it's based on just stuff that
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: I've gleaned over the last five years four years since
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: I've really been at the coal face of public workshops.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: But it's all about helping you become a better version
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: of you physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, practically, behaviorally, whatever that means.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: It's called Understanding You. August eighteen in Bendigo. It's three hours,
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: it's two to five. It's cheap as fuck. Get on board. Also,
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: I'm doing one in Melbourne, same workshop in Melbourne on
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: September eighth, That is at Deacon University. That is nine
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: thirty till twelve thirty on a Sunday. Also Malulaba stand by,
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: stand by, Malula bar fuckety fuck. I'm coming up to
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: the Sunshine Coast to do some corporate work and while
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: i'm there, while i'm there, because I can, I am
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: doing an interactive kind of workshop called Stop Wasting Your Potential.
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: This is a private workshop for about twenty five to
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: thirty people. Where is it at I think it's at
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: the Mantra. Often what I do when I'm traveling in
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: state and i'm doing corporate work is i will book
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: the boardroom of the hotel that i'm staying at and
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: I'll just do a private workshop. So if you are
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: in or around the Sunshine Coast that is happening on
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: August twenty two, that is very different. That is where
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: we're all essentially sitting at a great, big table and
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: it gives you an opportunity to be very involved if
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: you want, or you can just sit there and be
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: a participant in that way. And the last thing I've
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: got to promote is which everyone can come to. You
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: don't need to be in Victoria or the Sunshine Coast
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: or Bendigo. You can be anywhere in the world. I'm
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: doing a workshop, and this is a new workshop also
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: called Love your Body. It's an online workshop and opening
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: a few doors. Obviously, my background is in running gyms
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: and owning gyms and being an excise scientist and working
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: with tens of thousands of bodies. But I'm going to
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: be I'll give you a hint. I'm presenting more. Yes,
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: we're talking about the anatomy in physiology, and we're talking
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: about nutrition and sets and reps, and we're talking about
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: all the fundamentals of getting in shape. But we're really
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: opening the door on why the fuck we do the
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: stuff that we do good and bad to our body.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Stuff with food, stuff with sleep, stuff with a drugs,
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: stuff with booze, stuff with you know, like starting, stopping,
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: What is that about in the zone, out of the zone,
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: losing weight, gaining weight, getting fit, getting unfit. And now
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: I'm fifty. So we're going to talk about the psychology,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: the sociology, the emotion, and the physiology of changing your
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: body forever. That is September ten, online, seven toll nine pm.
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: It's called Love You Body. All of that shit is
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: on my website. Melissa is going to be so proud
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: of me. It's Craig Harper dot net. Get the fuck along,
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: book yourself a ticket or twenty five bring one hundred friends,
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: bibdybobbity boo. Did I do good?
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Bloody?
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: Hell?
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: Harps great heart. But twenty twenty four national tour has
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: formally been released. Look at you go. That's exciting. I
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: have really awesome workshops.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: I know. I'm excited. I am excited. I love doing
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: general public stuff and people who think I haven't been
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: doing anything, I do over one hundred gigs a year,
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: but they're all corporate, right, So I'm actually really excited
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: to be and we do public stuff every day right here.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: But I'm really excited to be back in a room
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: with humans and selfishly, selfishly, the beauty of doing workshops
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: for your fans, friends, followers, fans. That's an overstatement, is
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: it don't be a fun at all?
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: It's not at all. I'm still a raving fan.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: Whatever. Let's just go friends, followers and listeners and readers,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: let's do that. The beauty of that is it's what
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: we call what speakers call a warm audience. And I
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: love it. And it just means that from the moment
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: that you get up, it's good. From the moment that
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: you get there, it's a good vibe. People want to
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: be there, people know you generally, people love you. They
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: want you to do well. I want you to do well.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: It's a fucking love in. Of course, we get a
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: few husbands who have reluctantly been dragged along, sitting there
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: with their arms and legs and minds crossed in road
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: fifty two, going what the fuck is this bullshit? Why
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: did you drag me to this, darloon? We get a
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: few of those, and we convert a few of those over.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: We drag them out of the darkness into the lights.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: The revelation of the gospel of self help and personal transformation.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: But yeah, so I'm excited, and it's good to be
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: back in a room with people that I like and
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: people that hopefully like me, and apart from having some
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: fun and a good experience, hopefully for many people anyway,
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: this will be and not because of Harper and not
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: because of the day, but hopefully that experience will be
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: a catalyst for long term change. Speaking of long term change,
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: I'll shut up after this. Did you see I put
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: up on a put up on Instagram yesterday. I'm looking
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: for it now, which is not a very professional thing
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: to do, but I put up introducing my brand new
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: body transformation program. Did you see that?
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: Yes?
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: So I put introducing my new and it's got eight
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: week and I crossed out eight week and wrote fifty year.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: So introducing my new fifty year body Transformation Challenge. And
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: people are funny. I put it on Facebook and Insta
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: and some of the comments are actually like, people are like,
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I love it when you can do something that's a
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: bit funny but also making a good point.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: That synthesis of oh, actually that's fucking true, but also yeah,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: that's a little bit that's a little bit amusing.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, before you move on from the workshop conversation,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I wanted to add to it, my favorite and most
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: valued thing about those workshops is actually, like, yes, you
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: and your content's amazing, but it's the connections that you
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: make with the people that are there with a like
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: minded interest and support and accountability. And some of my
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: most valued opportunities and friendships, to be honest, that I
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: have now and that have taken me places or moved
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: me forward, whether it's just mentally, psychologically or actually in
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: the world, have come from connections that came from and
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: some of them from your workshops, some of them from
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: people that were in your rooms, big opportunities. I worked
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: for Ambulance Victoria through COVID because of that, and that
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: was the catalyst for what I do now because I've
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: met someone I connected with at that event, and I
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: just think community and the people that are around us
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: are the reason we change. So that's where people will
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: meet the reasons that they'll change.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, hang out with people who drag you. It's a
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: beautiful day to do that. You know. It's like, we
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: fuck around and I'm a dickhead sometimes and sometimes a
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: lot all the time. But okay, now that's valid. But
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: in the middle, yeah, no, a good point. But in
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: the middle of all of that, you know, it's like
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: I think somebody said to me something really nice and
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: it was I can't remember the exact words, but it
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: was like you have a really beautiful mix of sincerity
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: and stupidity. And I'm like, I like that because you
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: know some of the shit like like, well, today we
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: want to talk about how real and raw and vulnerable
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: we should be. But you know what I don't joke
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: about is like I would say, on average, every week
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: of my life, I talk to two people who are
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: thinking about ending their life, like at that time when
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: I talk to them, right, sometimes it's three, sometimes it's none.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: Sometimes it's more or less. Or people who are deeply
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: darkly rest or life, debilitatingly anxious or overwhelmingly fearful, or
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: they just have like a nihilistic kind of paradigm of
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: like what's the fucking point, Like I don't feel like
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: there's a you know, and like those are those are
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: hard conversations and you have to be present and you
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: have to just love people, and you you know, sometimes
• 13:29
  Speaker 2: I don't know what to say. I don't know what
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: to say. All I do is I just listen, and
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: I value them, and I value their feelings and I
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: validate their feelings and I don't try to fix it,
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: and I just be present, and you know, and then
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: there are other people on a more practical level that
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: come to me that need to lose fifty ks or
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: they need to get over their shitty back or fucking
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: lower their blood pressure or fix their fucked relationship. And
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: obviously I'm not the answer to anything, but like we are,
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: and you do similar, Like I am always dealing with complicated,
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: pretty intense, pretty serious stuff. And when I'm not doing that,
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: you know, for me, storytelling and laughter and silliness, and
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: that's that's my therapy. You know, that's where like me
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: sitting and we've spoken about this, but me sitting cross
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: leg and trying to meditate, that doesn't work for me,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: Which is not to say it's not a great protocol,
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: but it's not a great protocol for me. But what
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: makes me feel good, what produces dopamine and joy and
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: fun and kind of a version of lightness for me,
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: is laughter for me. Is silliness for me is connection
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: and love, And you know, so I think that in
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: the middle of all of this, you know, this kind
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: of silliness that we have on here, and the inappropriateness
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: and the funny kind of videos that you put up
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: of me being a dickhead talking about people sheltering under
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: my nose when it's rain and you know, and then
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: people going, oh, you know your noses all right, I'm like,
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: fucking no, it's not whatever. You know, it's all just fun.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: But we can't, you know, there's got to be there's
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: got to be a pendulum swing, you know, And so too,
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: even with personal development. Yeah, we want to think better,
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: do better, be better. We want to make better decisions,
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: you know, look after our health, optimize our da da
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: da da da, live in line with our values and
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: all that, of course, but also some days lie in
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: the bed and watch Netflix do that, just fuck around,
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: you know, just some days do nothing much, some days
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: eat a bit of cake, some days have a beer.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: Like it doesn't We don't need to be these personal
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: development robots on this constant linear improvement path because that's
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: just one completely fucking unrealistic. And two, you know, like
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: you've met and I've met people who are so obsessed
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: with personal growth, that they've just developed a new addiction.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, yep.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: And in the middle of all of their growth and
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: improvement and box ticking and T crossing and I dotting
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: and to do lists, they're cunts and they're fucking miserable.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: It's like, have a fucking life're boring mole fuck like
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: full you know. Yeah, Oh, all right, let's talk about vulnerability,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: which is was going.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: To be about conversation yep.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: So I want to just introduce this. I've spoken about this,
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I don't know in six years, maybe four times, but
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: a few people have asked me. And when I say
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: a few people have asked me, I don't make that up, right.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: I don't just say that because that's a nice lead in.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: But a few people have asked me if I could
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: do a whole show on this. I'm not going to
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: do a whole show on it, because I don't think
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: it warrants it. But and there are very similar models
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: to the one that I'm about to unpack and the
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: one that I'm about to unpack. Sorry about the noise
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: of the paper, because I'm about to write while I
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: talk is very much just my version of my interpretation
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: of my encounters with people from the observer point of view.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: That is me observing them and me watching them and
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: me knowing them and me understanding them and interacting with them.
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: So there's that the observer, and then there's from me
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: the experience or the creator of my own experiences. And
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: I think in a way, and I'm sure we could
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: come up with many different models that kind of explain
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: the same concept. But if we're speaking in metaphors, I
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: think the metaphor is that we all have a door
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: that kind of you know, in many situations we keep closed.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: That is, there's just me. Nobody's going to know this me.
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: I'm keeping the door closed and there's only me on
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: this side of the door. So I call that version
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: of me secret me, the me that nobody gets to
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: know but me. And then from there we open the
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: door to varying degrees to reveal an amount of ourselves
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: to the world. And you know how much we do
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: that is really an individual thing. So let's start from
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: the top down. We'll come back down to secret you.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: So at the top is what I call public you,
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: and public you is and then I want to know
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: where you sit on these tip and how wide you
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: open the door and what that is based on for you.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: But public you is just the one that that's you.
• 18:27
  Speaker 2: That's the you that everybody sees. That's the you at
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: the supermarket that talks to the bloke or the lady
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: who's doing the register if you do that, or the
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: you know, the uber driver that you jump in or whatever.
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: That's the one that there's no you know. I mean
• 18:41
  Speaker 2: there's a filter, of course, but there's that's the you
• 18:44
  Speaker 2: that you're happy for the world to see. And then
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: then when we close the door a little bit, we
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: get personal you. And personal you is the one that
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: probably close friends and family, I reckon this could be
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: five to twenty people get to know personal you, where
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: they know stuff about you, they have insight into you,
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: they have experience of you. They have a level of
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: connection with you that most people don't have and most
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: people don't have access to. So that could be a
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: few people. You know. It's like I look at the Crab,
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: my training partner, God bless him, and I reckon he's
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: one of those people that there aren't too many because
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: he's quite you know, the crab quite well, like he's
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: a beautiful human being, but he's not the most vulnerably
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: open or emotional. So I reckon in his personal kind
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: of version of the personal version of him. There's maybe
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: five people I reckon. I reckon I'm one of them.
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: You know I might not be. I think I am.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: For me, I'll tell you about me after we hear
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: about you. So public you, personal you, private you, private you.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: I reckon as generally one or two people. So private
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: you could be your mum, It could be your dad,
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: It could be your partner, brother, sister, It might be
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: a few people. Often it's one or two. And then
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: secret you, that's the behind the door you. That's the
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: you that you don't want anyone to see for whatever reason.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: Secret you, and only you get to know that person,
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: understand that person, and experience that version of you. And
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: then a recent addition to this little kind of model
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: is future you. And future you is the you that
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: you aspire to be, the version of you that you
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: would like to be for yourself, based on your values,
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: your beliefs, your goals, your intention, what you would like
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: your life to be, and also yourself for others like
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: as my mum and dad get older and more vulnerable,
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: there's a version of me that's emerging, and there's shit
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: coming up. There's things happening that I realize, Oh I'm
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: things that I've never had had to do or think
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: about I now have to do and think about. And
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: it's like it's almost like an emergent component to the
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: totality of me, you know, because I've been a single
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: bloke most of my you know, like in that well
• 21:18
  Speaker 2: my whole life. I've been in relationships, but I've never
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: been married. And and but now all of a sudden,
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: I have parents who are becoming increasingly dependent on me
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: for a range of needs, which is absolutely okay, And
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: then you know, it becomes less of me and more
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: of them, you know, So that moving forward, I want
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: to be future me. I want to be that where
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: as much as I can, for as long as I can,
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: i am. I am basically making their life somewhere between,
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: you know, okay and great. So that's it. So it's
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: public you, personal you, private youth, secret you, and future you.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: And I just wonder like, what do you think or firstly,
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: for you, Tiff, what do you think are the variables
• 22:08
  Speaker 2: or the determining factors in terms of how wide you
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: open the door with people?
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: For me, It's evolved quite a lot over the over
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: the years and over my life. And as soon as
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: you started talking about this, I wrote down I saw
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: this quote just within the last two days, and I
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: loved it and it landed with me. And it's basically said,
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I'm healing out loud because my silence almost killed me.
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: Wow. Yeah, Wow, hang on, say that again. That's fucking
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: great because fifty people are going to want to write
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: that down. Say it again.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I'm healing out loud because my silence nearly killed me.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: And it's a version of I guess I've felt over
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: the times, and I've had some subtle feedback at times
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: of the stuff that I've openly shared online or that
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: you know, the hard times, or that when I struggle
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: and I stood by it because my version was I
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: held a secret for thirty years, which created a persona.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: So as you've been talking about the version, the versions
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: of you, my interpretation of that, I don't like it.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: I like to think of of them as part of us.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: We have these parts and experiences we might share. But
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: I don't like calling them versions because it brings up
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: that idea of the facade, like the Tiffany Cook that
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: existed until she was thirty. It was a facade that
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: had a secret she hadn't really dealt with. And so yeah,
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: that's I.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Think that's interesting. What makes you think you like, why
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: do you think you were a facade? Why were you
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: not just you but keeping an experience understandably hidden from the.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: World because shame and guilt.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: But that doesn't make you a facade like you weren't
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: like you weren't a fraud. You were just authentic you
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: who'd had an experience that you didn't want people to
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: know about. I mean, and that's very understandable, right, Yeah,
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: But I.
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: Think on alongside of that, and maybe if we go
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: deeper to that that experience was the consequence and not
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: the cause. The cause was maybe my inability prior to
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: that to have been in a circumstance at the time
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I needed to develop great intimacy and connection skills and
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: relationship skills and communication skills, those things I just didn't
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: really grasp rights, which left me vulnerable to having experience
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: And for anyone that doesn't know what I'm referring to,
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: that's childhood sexual abuse. So that's a consequence. So this,
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: so I think, when, but what I would say about
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: when we share, they're out secret us or riv at
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: us openly. And I've had this conversation with a lot
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: of people. Some I think that we need to be
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: self aware and really understanding of where we are at
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: when we share it, and that it's not a burden
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: to others, but it is. It is a place of connection,
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: understanding and inspiration. So I can say this happened to me,
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: which is a heavy topic, but when it's said to people,
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: they can go, oh, wow, me too. There's light at
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: the end of my tunnel, or I'm not the only one,
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: whereas there's sometimes people can be at the very beginning
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: of their sharing and they're not healed and they're hurt
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: and they're angry, and it lands with other people and
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: there's this expectation that the other people they're not getting inspired.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: They're kind of having to hold this space and go
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: what do we do with this? This is dark and heavy?
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: Well you raise a really good point, and well a
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: bunch of points, and thank you for being brave and sharing,
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: and that is that. You know, sometimes opening the door
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: isn't a good idea, right, It's like it's very you
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: need to be and when I say you, I meant
• 26:11
  Speaker 2: us the individual. We need to be ready. It needs
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: to be for the right reason. It needs to be
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: in the right moment, the right time, with the right person.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: You know. It's not something that you want to blurt out,
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: you know. And I think like this is you know,
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: we've spoken a few times, and we won't open the
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: door too wide on that. But you know that Abigail Shreier,
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: the author who wrote Bad Therapy, essentially, she wasn't saying
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: that talk therapy is bad. She was saying that talk
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: therapy isn't always the best thing for every person in
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: every situation. And there might have been a time where
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: I don't know where you might have opened the door,
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: or you might have revealed that experience to the world
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: or to someone and it might not have produced a
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: good outcome. But you know, you don't know, do you.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: And it's like that's why I mean, this is a
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: great conversation because I think it highlights the fact that
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: there are no fucking absolute rules to this stuff. It's
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: not like, oh, did you have this happen? All right?
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: Here are the five steps? You know, you know, this
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: is how you grieve, all right? There's a chart put
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: it on the wall, you know, first seven days and
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: then day eight to fourteen. It's like it doesn't It's
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: like it's like the fucking food pyramid. It's like how
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: do you get strong? It's like, well, who for whose body?
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: Who's mind, Who's life, who's genetics? Whose experiences? Yeah? Yeah, yeah,
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: And that's why I think like leaning in and feeling
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: what you feel. But like you've spoken a lot about
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: doctor Bill. Now I think hard of you, correct me,
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: because I do not know and you do know. But
• 27:58
  Speaker 2: I think part of the progress and the I guess
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: the growth that's come through your work with him has
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: been at least as much about just who he is
• 28:10
  Speaker 2: as a person as the actual technique of therapy.
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you trust him and like him.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: Right exactly exactly, And it's someone to turn up and
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: just you know, it's like anything. You turn up when
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: it's hard, and you turn up when it's easy, and
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: you turn up when it's hard, and you turn up
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: when you need it. But for me, you turn up
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: when you think you don't need it and you get
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: even more out of it. Like it's a therapy is
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: such an ongoing process, and I think it looks and
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: feels very different for everyone. So I don't even think
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: talk therapy is even the same like mine with different
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: therapist self seen, they've been all very, very different. So
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: you've really got to figure out I guess what and
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: at different times, at different times you need to talk
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: and sometimes you need to do some of those weird
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: woo woo somatic get stuff out of your body. Do
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: you deal with nervous system I reckon, I've still got
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: a lot of somatic stuff to resolve, like where my
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: nervous system sends me into an unconscious spin and then
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: you can't talk therapy yourself out of that because because
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: that just takes place, and then our little reason making
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: machines in our head just go and tell a story. Hmm.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: It's so true. It's so true. How I remember years ago,
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: Like I don't get anxious that much, but I remember
• 29:29
  Speaker 2: years ago, I was doing a gig. It was a
• 29:32
  Speaker 2: big gig. It was one of the biggest gigs I'd
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: ever done to that point in time. It was about
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: a thousand people, and I felt scared, yeah, yeah, and
• 29:42
  Speaker 2: I felt nervous, and I was probably I don't know,
• 29:46
  Speaker 2: it was probably ten years ago. And I mean not
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: falling apart, but just like fucking shorter breath and like
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: and sweaty hands, and I don't like I don't like it,
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: so I have it only how we all have these
• 30:01
  Speaker 2: little protocols and habits and rituals, right, So if I'm
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: doing a gig, this is what happens. Like I've done
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: the last couple of weeks a gig in conference centers
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: where you go and generally they'll go, well, Craig, you're
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: on at nine point thirty. We want you to Sometimes
• 30:17
  Speaker 2: I'll say we want you to do a sound check
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: at eight, which is quite silly because you walk in
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: and go check one, two, and it's like anyone could
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: have done that. The microphone's working, and so are the speakers.
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: But anyway, I think it's because they like to make
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: sure you're in town, you've arrived for the event. But
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: I do that. But what I don't like is when,
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: which is nobody's fault, it's just something I've got to
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: deal with. Is when let's say you're talking at nine
• 30:40
  Speaker 2: point thirty, So you get there and you walk in
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: the back at nine point fifteen and Brian puts on
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: a lapel mic and then you look down and you go,
• 30:51
  Speaker 2: all right, well, I'm on in nine minutes. Cool, and
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: then I go I'll be back in a second. I
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: generally walk out of the room and I'll walk three
• 30:59
  Speaker 2: hundred meter it is one way, three hundred meters the
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: other way. Then I come back and I'm now I'm
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: on in four minutes. But sometimes they just go on
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: and on and on. So you're standing at the side anyway,
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: I was meant to go on it, let's say nine
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: point thirty, and at ten to ten, I'm still not on,
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: and I'm just like, you can only peek.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: So I mean time, right, Yeah.
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: So I'm sitting against the side of the auditorium on
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: a chair and I could just feel my heart rate
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: in my neck. I could feel a pulse in my neck.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: I'm like, this is this is not optimal for fucking
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: getting on stage and being hilarious and calm and connected.
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: And you know. So I did some box breathing, and
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: I know the theory of it, right, but I'd never
• 31:46
  Speaker 2: because I'm like, yeah, I don't need box breathing. I'm
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: Craig Arper. I'm a fucking you know, like I know,
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: a complete fucking idiot. I know anyway. So I do
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: five seconds in, five seconds, hold, five seconds out, five
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: seconds hold. I do that for about ninety seconds, and
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: I feel my whole body just calm down. I feel
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: my heart rates slow, I feel my sympathetic nervous system
• 32:16
  Speaker 2: just calm, calm the farm just kick in. I could
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: you know, I mean, you don't know, but I literally
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: felt the adrenaline. It feels like I felt the adrenaline
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: just kind of disappear, and my whole emotional and psychological
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: and physical state went from like elevated in a bad
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: way to calm in a good way. So, yeah, you're right,
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: there are some things that we can't just think our
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: way out of in the moment. We need to do
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: something to create that physiological shift in the moment. And
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: whether or not that's box breathing or meditating or fucking
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: you know, going and punching a heavy bag like you
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: might for one minute, or lying on the floor and
• 32:58
  Speaker 2: cuddling your dog. Right.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you remind me of the first fight in twenty
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: nineteen I had, so I'd had a two or three
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: year break. First fight back in and I remember being
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: and it was at Matthew Flinders Hotel. I still there
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: and my opponent I get, I turn up and like
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: my my coach, so he's like, you're you're fighting a
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: NIX Comms game fighter. And I'm like, what, mate, bro,
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: Like I had three years off, what are you doing?
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: And like I never know whether to believe him. So
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: he's amping me up anyway, He's doing all the things
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: to pull on my strings. And then I get there
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: and my opponent's changed anyway, so then it's I'm fighting
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: a chick ten kilos heavier, all right, all right, whatever.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: But I remember being in this in the side room.
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: I'd got I thought of my very first fight and
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: I remember having like red jelly beans before get blood sugar, like,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: get ready. I'm in there and I'm psyching myself up.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: Do you reckon? Tiffany hook needs any psycing up already,
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: So so I get in the ring, total adrenal dump.
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh God, yes, so I've cooked it.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: I've cooked this. I've just burnt the motor out. It
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: was such a I was like, that was a silly
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: thing to do. You needed to calm down. The body
• 34:09
  Speaker 1: was producing all the adrenaline and nor ap nephyn that
• 34:13
  Speaker 1: you needed, and you've gone and jabbed more in there
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: with your mind crazy.
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: Well, there's a whole area of intersection of psychology and
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: physiology in sports science which is around arousal. This is
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: no revelation to you. You're a boxer, but trying to
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: find the right level of arousal for your sport, for
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: your skill, for the skill that's required to be executed,
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: and then also for the duration of the event. Like
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: if your arousal is fifteen out of ten, you're about
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: to have a ten round fight. Fucking good luck. You know.
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: If you're a level of arousal is like one hundred
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: meter Olympic finalist right in the on the track, so
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: nine and nine point seven seconds of glory, but you're
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: about to go and do a ten k run. Well,
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: it ain't gonna work. Yeah, that's so what happened? Did
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: you get? Did you know?
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: I won the fight, but I felt very sloppy and out.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: I wasn't performing at my optimal performance. So I won
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: the fight, but I was probably was one of the
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: most disappointing outcomes for me, because I just I'd been
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: performing so well in sparring and really I was really
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: proud of that, and then just the stuff that you know,
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: like little uncontrollable things that you're doing where you're like
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: what hang on, well, what's going on here? Like your
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: body kind of And that's what happens in somatic. This
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: is when I talk about sematic stuff in therapy. This
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: is what happens when you have a sematic response and
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: you dissociate or you and then we're in a dissociated state.
• 35:54
  Speaker 1: You agree to things, or you let things happen, or
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: you behave in certain ways, and then you step away
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: from that, look back and go the fuck have I doubt?
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: Like why am I letting this happen? It's very it's
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: like you against you. It's really confronting.
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: Can I ask you something and feel free to say
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: no and we can cut this out there?
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: Go ahead?
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: Well, can I ask you about how what happened to
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: you and your childhood affects you now if it does,
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: or how it's changed, and feel free to not answer that.
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: But I feel like, you know, there'll be people listening
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: to this who will want to know the answer to
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: that question. Yeah.
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: So, I think one thing that it left me with
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: that I think is still an unconscious association is that
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: your body is your worth and your body to someone else.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: It is that if that for close relationships and intimacy,
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: you will something will be taken from you that you
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: don't want to give. So there's this confrontation. It left
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: me very compliant to other people's needs. So when I so,
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: that's what I say. When like this level of dissociation,
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: people pleasing someone asks, and even just in a work sense,
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: leaves asks for something, I'm like yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, whatever,
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: whatever whatever, until I walk away, And then that when
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: the body relaxes, I'm out of that situation. I'm like,
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: why did I agree? What do I agree to things
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: that aren't the best for me. I've talked to doctor
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: Bill about this. Children that experience that in childhood don't
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: they often have the same experiences in adulthood because they
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: don't their body. They don't understand red flags, they don't
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: understand boundaries. Boxing was appealing to me because there's clear boundaries.
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: I can get in a ring. I know the rules.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: The rules are clear. I don't make the rules or
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: set them so I can enforce them. In life, setting
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: boundaries is really hard, and in adulthood, I've myself in
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: situations that my mind boggles. I look back and go,
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: how could you have not seen that that was going
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: to happen and happening right under your nose? And it's confronting.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: So and as each experience happens, I think it has
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: made me more and more have my walls up and fear.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: And so what it ends up is a lack of
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: trust in self, which is really hard because when you
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: don't trust yourself, I mean, you can't trust anybody because
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: you're the one, You're the person.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: Okay, let's talk about trust. So for you, obviously, I
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: would imagine with more more so men than women, trust
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: has been an issue and probably is still an issue,
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: correct me if I fuck anything up? So how does
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: trust work with you? Now? Is it something that just
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: evolves where you you, as a byproduct of just being
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: around someone or having interactions with someone, you end up
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: just trusting them? Or is it a decision that you
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: make to trust somebody or something else? So tell me
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: about how you and it could be women or men,
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: and it could it could be you know, business life, money, relationships, intimacy, anything.
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: How does that work?
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: I think there's layers to it. I think when excuse me,
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: so let's use you and I as an example. So
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: when I approached you to I did some of your workshops,
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: you became a mentor to me. I really liked you.
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: Seemed like somebody who I loved what you spoke about.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: I loved your authenticity, I loved your messages and I
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: connected with that and I was like, this, this is
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: a good person. I want to be around him and
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: learn from him. And then when you kind of accepted
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: me in that world and said yep, you can come,
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: and you know I was doing some volunteering at your events,
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: I was like, wow, how lucky. And there was this
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: almost that validation of I'm so lucky. Oh wow, wow,
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: you know. But then I think there's that unconscious awareness
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: of why. And then when we worked together, I think
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: that came up a lot. And I don't know how
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: much you felt it, but I know that when we
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: went from me just helping out to you're a part
• 40:23
  Speaker 1: of the team and we'll pay you. Now we'll pay
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: you and you can you can do some work with us, Yes,
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: there was a shift in me and I was like,
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: what's this all about? But I found there was this
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: layered expectation what does he want from me? What does
• 40:35
  Speaker 1: he want from me now he wants and I had
• 40:37
  Speaker 1: this dichotomy of I am giving so much, I want
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: to do so well, and then also he just wants
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: to take what he's just going to want to take
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: from me. You know, I've thought good people have come
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: along before to be on my team, and they've really
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: done bad things. So if I thought they were good people,
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: maybe I'm thinking Harps as a good person and maybe
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: it's not. What if I'm wrong? And I asked you once,
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: maybe a year or two in do you trust when
• 41:04
  Speaker 1: we were having a deep mail do you trust me?
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: Do you trust me? And you said yes. I remember thinking, well,
• 41:12
  Speaker 1: why why does he trust me? When because I knew,
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: I still had walls up, and I'm like, why would
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: you trust me when I know I'm hard to get
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: to know and I'm not giving you and I'm being
• 41:25
  Speaker 1: a little bit elusive at times. So that challenged me
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: as well. And thank god you did trust me.
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: I could see you, I could see you behind all that.
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: Like I'm not trying to be too weird, but I
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: could see you. I knew you. I still know you.
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: I still know when you're grumpy, because you still get
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: grumpy and sometimes you get grumpy at me, and it's
• 41:46
  Speaker 2: okay because I know you the person apart from and
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: I understand the grumpiness and I understand you know, is
• 41:56
  Speaker 2: everything about you perfect? Know is everything about me perfect?
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: Of course not right, but like for me, I don't
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: need perfection. I need authenticity, and you know, for you,
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: sometimes you like what I do like about you as
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: you essentially go, I'm having come of a day. I
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: don't know why, whereas most people would go, oh yeah,
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: all good, all good, but I know it's not all good.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: So you're lying to you and you're lying to me.
• 42:26
  Speaker 2: So just I'm having a shitty day, and I go, cool, okay,
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: can I do anything? You're like nah, I'm like all right, Well,
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: if you have a revelation and you need something miserable, prick,
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: I'm over here, you know, So it's all good. Like
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: this is the you know, like there's a couple of
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: ways and this is going to say I've never said
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: this ever. I've never said this to you either, So
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: this is big, right, and it's not about it. It's
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: just people might find an interesting. So there's you, the
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: person that I even care about and know and want
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: to succeed and like for me. You know how I
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: said to you we're talking about recently. I think I
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: said to you. I definitely said it on a podcast.
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: It's like I used to say to my trainers, don't
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: pretend to care, really care, like actually care. So I
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: know that that for me to be really living in
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: alignment with my values, I need to want you to
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: do great as much as I want me to do great. Right,
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: And that's not always easy because we are selfish and
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: I'm selfish, But as much as I Craig Harper have
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: the capacity to, I genuinely want you to succeed and thrive.
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: And if that means that eventually you do way better
• 43:54
  Speaker 2: than me, I still want that, right. So there's that
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: there's that art where you you care about people, and
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: I care about you. How your dad is? Like? You
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: care about how my dad is? You know, how's your dad?
• 44:09
  Speaker 2: Can I do anything? I'm like, how you know what's
• 44:12
  Speaker 2: going on? How's you know? When you know when Coach
• 44:17
  Speaker 2: passed away? You know that was fucking horrendous. I can't
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: even imagine for you because you know she was your child,
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: and then it hurt me to see you hurt. You
• 44:30
  Speaker 2: know that, you know, like for me that tells me
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: how much I care about you is that I didn't
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: want to see you in pain like you know. So
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: there's all that, and then there's the other, much more
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: practical component, whereas I go, well, if I'm just being real,
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: tif's pretty good at about twenty things that are of
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: value to me. So there's a practical component, and it's like,
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: I'm valuable to you too, Like I've helped be your brand,
• 45:01
  Speaker 2: your currency, I've given you exposure that you wouldn't have got,
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: blah blah blah blah blah. But at the same time,
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: you've done all that and more for me, right, So
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: this is the beauty of Like when people think that
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: a strategic alliance can't coexist with an authentic friendship, it's
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: not true. It's because on a practical level, you bring
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: skills and attributes and qualities and talent to the you
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: project that I do not have and Melissa doesn't have,
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: but you have it. Melissa brings stuff that I don't have.
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: I bring stuff that you too don't have. You know. So,
• 45:40
  Speaker 2: But at the same time, in the middle of all
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: of this collaboration and this synergy, can we be good humans?
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: And the answer is yeah, you know, and it's like that,
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: but like for me that I know we're getting deep now,
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: but that truly walking the talk that like not just
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: the shit that you say on a podcast, not just
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: the you know, the public persona and the whatever and
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: the you know, what are your values and I but actually,
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: like when no one's looking doing that, that's hard. And
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: if anyone says it's not hard, they're not doing it properly.
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: Because it is so easy to be selfish and self centered. Yeah,
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: you know, and that's that that for me, it's that
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: having like what makes it easier for me is because
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: I do genuinely have a purpose that is bigger than
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: just me and that doesn't kind of go away that
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: that purpose and those people and the needs. So you know,
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: but how do you feel talking about this stuff publicly now?
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: Because it would have terrified you ten years ago? I imagine.
• 46:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, No, I love talk. I actually love talking about
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: it now because it gives me clarity and it even hearing,
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes I listen back. I was on someone else's
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: podcast recently. I listened back yesterday and you know, he
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: just took me into areas of it. It's just interesting
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: to hear yourself talk about something. I think the power
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: of hearing yourself you get a different perspective to sit
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: and listen and go, oh yeah, right, yeah, that's different,
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: that's interesting. I'm just such a big advocate for talking
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: about your stuff, sharing it and in the right way obviously,
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: But I don't know. I don't think we can grow
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: without doing that, and I don't think we can connect.
• 47:25
  Speaker 1: Like for someone who struggled with connection and being real
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: and being open and being seen, I mean, that's my therapy,
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: so I welcome it. And if for some people that
• 47:36
  Speaker 1: looks like oversharing and being the center of attention, what
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: I'd grapple with is because of that lack of trust
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: and that independence and that self preservation, it leans me
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: into feeling disconnected and selfish. So I want connection more
• 47:51
  Speaker 1: than anything. I want collaboration, but that relationship with trust
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: and it up against what's previously happened at times prevents that.
• 48:03
  Speaker 1: So sometimes I feel both lonely and selfish, like you're
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: a lone and selfish, that you're a self fulfilling prophecy.
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: And I'm still trying to figure out how I really
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: overcome that.
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well I think it's a it's a constant work.
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: You know, it's an ongoing work. And you know, I
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: look at your development and where you're at your age,
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: and I've said this to you. You know, I'm twenty
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: years nineteen years older than you, and I think you know,
• 48:32
  Speaker 2: it's like you're especially because you know you've really only
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: been doing this for five years, you know, like where
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: you've been in this space of where you've really opened
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: the self awareness door and changing your life and your
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: thinking and habits and then influencing others and having a
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: public platform, like in the context of my life, you've
• 48:57
  Speaker 2: been doing it for five minutes and you're any very good,
• 49:01
  Speaker 2: So you know, now speaking and very good. We started
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: the show with a couple of promos. Don't forget everyone, Bendigo, Melwyn, Malula,
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: bar Jumbo, go to my sidecawcarba dot net. But Tiffany
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: and Cook also is running a little kind of program
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: that sounded condescending, a great, big, fucking, a huge program,
• 49:21
  Speaker 2: fucking the program of programs. So if you want to
• 49:26
  Speaker 2: get punched in the face or learn how to punch
• 49:28
  Speaker 2: someone else in the face, tiff how do we do that?
• 49:31
  Speaker 1: Ah, I'm running a four week boxing Masterclass series. There
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: are two hour sessions on a Sunday and I'm partnering
• 49:37
  Speaker 1: with Boxing Fit Port Melton. One of my friends just
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: bought that place and she's doing some really great stuff
• 49:42
  Speaker 1: at building Community, so I'm running it there on Sundays
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: at eleven. Then typically, like I have in the past,
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: we go out and hang out at a cafe and
• 49:51
  Speaker 1: have lunch because I like people to build connection and
• 49:53
  Speaker 1: really it's amazing. So and also so that starts on
• 49:56
  Speaker 1: eighteenth for four Sundays in Port Melbow and next Sunday
• 50:02
  Speaker 1: I'm going to do a free anyone can rock up
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: and do it. Taste a one hour session at probably
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: eleven thirty. So go to my website and send me
• 50:10
  Speaker 1: an email or something if you want to come and
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: just do a bit of a learning overview, connect, throw
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: some punches, learn a bit of technique.
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: It's fun or need someone in the balls, probably not
• 50:21
  Speaker 2: that well done. You thank you for opening the door
• 50:26
  Speaker 2: and for being surreal and raw, invulnerable and to you everybody,
• 50:29
  Speaker 2: we appreciate you, We love you. Thank you for your supports,
• 50:33
  Speaker 2: thank you for the feedback. If you're not a member
• 50:36
  Speaker 2: of the You Project podcast facebook page, what.
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: Are you doing, get around it?
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: What are you doing? Quickly? Quickly, quickly, quickly, get over there.
• 50:46
  Speaker 2: And also, if you're not following me on Instagra, come on,
• 50:49
  Speaker 2: Craig Anthony Harper, And if you're not following, if you're
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: not following Tiffany and Cook, what are you? You've got
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: about nine pages.
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: Tiffany and Co. That's Tiffany with a Got Rolled with
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: the Punches podcast. I've got Lunar and Bear lunar and
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: we've got a lunar page. I've got a bar page.
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: You've got a Luna and the Lunar and Bear page.
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: You should have just gone with one. Thanks everyone,