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Your Teen Isn’t Lazy… You’re Just Looking at It Wrong · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Ben: I'm Ben Pugh and you're listening to IMPACT! Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Ben: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important.
• 0:17
  Ben: Building rock solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:22
  Ben: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths.
• 0:34
  Ben: welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:36
  Ben: Today we are talking about an awesome topic.
• 0:41
  Ben: teen motivation.
• 0:43
  Ben: I have been seeing more and more parents post things like, is my teen just lazy?
• 0:50
  Ben: Or what is going on?
• 0:52
  Ben: Why are they not motivated?
• 0:54
  Ben: I saw another post that's like.
• 0:57
  Ben: Is this a different generation?
• 0:58
  Ben: Like how do you get teens to do anything?
• 1:02
  Ben: Are they like, what is wrong with them?
• 1:04
  Ben: Cortni, what are some things that you hear when it comes to teenagers being not motivated, or what are some things that you experience in your life?
• 1:14
  Cort: I was gonna say, I don't really hear a whole lot, but I experience a whole lot.
• 1:19
  Cort: we've gone through periods where
• 1:20
  Ben: missing
• 1:21
  Cort: assignments.
• 1:22
  Cort: I'm like, how do you have a missing assignment?
• 1:23
  Cort: Or how do you have a zero?
• 1:24
  Cort: You were in class, and he is I just didn't read it.
• 1:27
  Ben: so
• 1:28
  Cort: being motivated to do that,
• 1:29
  Ben: or.
• 1:29
  Cort: or putting his clothes away when it's time to clean your room and do your laundry, I'm like, okay, fold your clothes.
• 1:34
  Cort: Put them away.
• 1:35
  Cort: He's I will, but I will never happens.
• 1:37
  Ben: I
• 1:38
  Cort: just most tasks that I've asked of my teenager, he wants to do on his time and I've given him some grace to do it on his time.
• 1:46
  Cort: but lately I've been cracking the whip and I'm like, okay, no, we need to do this.
• 1:49
  Cort: This has to be done.
• 1:50
  Ben: Yeah.
• 1:51
  Ben: And I think a lot of parents are like, is this laziness?
• 1:55
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 1:55
  Ben: Is my kid Or
• 1:56
  Cort: It looks like laziness.
• 1:58
  Cort: It certainly does.
• 1:59
  Ben: Or they're like, what am I doing wrong As a parent,
• 2:03
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 2:03
  Ben: and I will say this, if you look at just the overall amount of.
• 2:09
  Ben: Dopamine hits and stimulation that today's kids have to face versus what we had to face when we were kids.
• 2:19
  Ben: Like when I look at that, perceived lack of motivation starts to make a little bit of sense.
• 2:25
  Ben: oh, if I could sit home and play video games all day long, I wouldn't really be motivated to.
• 2:32
  Ben: Put my clothes away or do my laundry or whatever else it is that your kid isn't motivated.
• 2:37
  Ben: here's an example.
• 2:39
  Ben: This is one that you brought up we hit record.
• 2:42
  Ben: Like sometimes your teen, they're not driven by the same values that you are.
• 2:48
  Ben: And so one example that.
• 2:50
  Ben: Is from my life.
• 2:51
  Ben: Like I have a teenager who basketball used to be his highest priority, was all that he wanted to do.
• 3:00
  Ben: now that he's getting older, like he wants a car, he wants money, he has a girlfriend, when it comes to basketball, I'm like, dude, you're not very motivated anymore.
• 3:09
  Ben: That is not true.
• 3:11
  Ben: That's looking at his drive for basketball, which he got up at five 30 to go play with a bunch of dudes this morning.
• 3:18
  Ben: So.
• 3:18
  Ben: He's got some level of motivation, just because it's not to the level that I want,
• 3:25
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 3:25
  Ben: for me to be like, oh, he's just not motivated now.
• 3:28
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 3:29
  Ben: I think parents fall into that trap.
• 3:31
  Ben: with a little bit of curiosity, you could start to explore, what is my teenager motivated by?
• 3:38
  Ben: Just assume they're motivated by something.
• 3:42
  Ben: let me run this by you.
• 3:43
  Ben: So we have these two factors at play that I think are huge.
• 3:47
  Ben: Number one, your kids are probably way more comfortable than you ever were as a child.
• 3:53
  Ben: and
• 3:53
  Cort: Oh, yes.
• 3:54
  Ben: it, that comfort kills motivation in my opinion.
• 3:59
  Ben: And then the second one is your teens are motivated.
• 4:02
  Ben: To do something and it just might not perfectly align with your values.
• 4:07
  Cort: Yeah, I agree.
• 4:08
  Ben: So what are, I don't know, what would you say to the parent that's is my teen just lazy or What's going on here?
• 4:14
  Cort: I would look at their values.
• 4:16
  Cort: What are the things that they value?
• 4:18
  Cort: What is it that you're wanting to see from them?
• 4:21
  Cort: As far as motivation, what do you want them to be motivated to do?
• 4:24
  Cort: Is that your value or is that their value?
• 4:28
  Cort: let's see.
• 4:29
  Ben: I learned once about this thing called a motivational triad.
• 4:33
  Ben: I think this is like actual scientific stuff.
• 4:36
  Ben: But like life coaches just take it and make it theirs and they're like, no, I came up with this.
• 4:40
  Ben: But the motivational triad is basically human beings are motivated by three things to seek pleasure,
• 4:49
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 4:50
  Ben: avoid pain, or conserve energy.
• 4:53
  Ben: Does that sound about right?
• 4:55
  Cort: Yes, my child would say he's conserving energy for sure.
• 4:58
  Ben: Yeah, totally.
• 5:00
  Ben: let's just apply this to parents first.
• 5:03
  Ben: Where can you see parents motivated seeking pleasure?
• 5:08
  Cort: See where can I see parents themselves or.
• 5:11
  Ben: parents themselves.
• 5:13
  Ben: We're gonna talk about parents, and then we're going to apply it to the teens.
• 5:16
  Cort: I mean, I seek pleasure when I hang out with my friends,
• 5:19
  Ben: when
• 5:19
  Cort: I go shopping,
• 5:20
  Ben: Yeah.
• 5:21
  Cort: when I eat junk.
• 5:24
  Ben: Yeah.
• 5:24
  Ben: For me, like I have this constant dream in the back of my mind, like I want to take my family to We did that once.
• 5:32
  Ben: It was super fun.
• 5:33
  Ben: So I show up coaching, when I do things to make money.
• 5:38
  Ben: seeking pleasure.
• 5:39
  Ben: My motivation is I want to take my family to Hawaii.
• 5:42
  Ben: That'll be awesome.
• 5:43
  Ben: Okay, let's look at this one.
• 5:45
  Ben: Avoiding pain.
• 5:46
  Ben: Where can you see parents motivated by avoiding pain or motivated to avoid pain, I should say?
• 5:54
  Cort: I mean, working out, I'm, I don't know if I'm answering this the same, the right way you want to, but that's not the only reason, like why I avoid working out, but we'll go with that.
• 6:04
  Ben: Yeah, you don't wanna work out'cause it's painful.
• 6:06
  Ben: It's not fun.
• 6:07
  Ben: the one that is sneaky.
• 6:09
  Ben: Have you ever told your teen Don't do that.
• 6:11
  Ben: What if the neighbors see you doing that?
• 6:13
  Ben: What are the neighbors gonna think?
• 6:14
  Cort: Oh, probably.
• 6:16
  Cort: Yeah.
• 6:16
  Cort: Sure.
• 6:17
  Ben: So I have parents all the time that, okay, especially when I work with like super religious parents and their teen is like smoking pot and this big time knucklehead and they're like.
• 6:28
  Ben: All the other parents probably think I'm the worst parent in the whole church organization.
• 6:33
  Ben: That is you attempting to avoid pain.
• 6:37
  Ben: You don't want to be judged, you don't wanna be kicked outta the herd.
• 6:41
  Ben: And so there sometimes when we yell at our kids, it's motivated in this effort to avoid pain or ridicule.
• 6:50
  Ben: Okay.
• 6:50
  Cort: I was way off the mark when you asked.
• 6:52
  Ben: No, I think you were right guys.
• 6:54
  Ben: This is why Cortni always wants Ben, what are we gonna talk about?
• 6:57
  Ben: I'm like, I don't know.
• 6:58
  Ben: Just show up.
• 6:58
  Ben: It's gonna be fun.
• 6:59
  Cort: Oh gosh.
• 7:00
  Ben: No, you were spot on.
• 7:03
  Ben: Like when people don't go to the gym, the motivation is they are avoiding pain.
• 7:08
  Ben: So you were spot on.
• 7:09
  Ben: Don't worry about that.
• 7:10
  Ben: do the last one, conserve energy.
• 7:13
  Ben: Where can you see parents being motivated to conserve energy?
• 7:18
  Cort: Their own energy.
• 7:19
  Cort: I feel like I'm gonna go off on left field again.
• 7:22
  Cort: but I mean by letting their kids be on devices like a lot
• 7:27
  Ben: It's
• 7:27
  Cort: because it's less Yes.
• 7:28
  Cort: The parents have to do.
• 7:29
  Cort: Correct.
• 7:30
  Ben: Yeah, man, you got one outta the three, right?
• 7:33
  Ben: Good job.
• 7:34
  Cort: Nice.
• 7:35
  Ben: You did great on all of them.
• 7:36
  Ben: yeah, where I see parents motivated by conserving energy, this is oftentimes where like they fall into the doormat parent trap and they just let their teen walk all over them.
• 7:47
  Ben: They don't have any boundaries
• 7:49
  Cort: Yeah.
• 7:50
  Ben: they think it's easier,
• 7:52
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 7:52
  Ben: I think this is just human nature, that we are motivated to seek pleasure, avoid pain, conserve energy.
• 8:00
  Ben: Here's the thing, your teen is also a human being, even though they don't act like it sometimes, and I guarantee you they are motivated to seek pleasure.
• 8:12
  Ben: That's why they're playing video games.
• 8:14
  Ben: motivated to avoid pain.
• 8:16
  Ben: That's why sometimes they crawl outta their window instead of going through the house.
• 8:21
  Ben: 'cause they don't want the pain of lecture mom or lecture dad, and your teen is trying to conserve energy.
• 8:28
  Ben: And the thing that I think parents often forget, we try.
• 8:34
  Ben: we want what's best for our teenagers.
• 8:36
  Ben: Every parent wants that.
• 8:38
  Ben: And we think what's best for our teenagers is what we think is best for our teenagers.
• 8:44
  Ben: And we forget that our teen is driven by their own values, their own things that they want to achieve.
• 8:50
  Ben: And sometimes we just put a blanket.
• 8:54
  Ben: Label on our teen that, oh, they're lazy, they're not motivated.
• 8:57
  Ben: Well, when I was a kid, I remember, so I was a kid that people would hire to come haul hay.
• 9:04
  Ben: I remember this one dude, he's pay this much money.
• 9:07
  Ben: I need this.
• 9:08
  Ben: All the hay bales gathered off this field.
• 9:12
  Ben: So I showed up with a truck and a trailer.
• 9:14
  Ben: all the hay, stacked it in his barn.
• 9:17
  Ben: And I went home.
• 9:18
  Ben: I just trusted this dude to come by and pay me.
• 9:21
  Ben: He talked to my dad.
• 9:22
  Ben: He's paid other people to do that.
• 9:24
  Ben: And it usually takes him like three or four days.
• 9:27
  Ben: How did your son do that in one day?
• 9:29
  Ben: he's just a super hard worker and I can't remember what my dad said, but I do remember what my mom said.
• 9:35
  Ben: Like it was mean.
• 9:37
  Ben: Well, it wasn't that mean, it was honest.
• 9:39
  Ben: She's Yeah, he'll work hard, but he won't do a darn thing in school.
• 9:43
  Ben: And like I was the guy that people were like, man, do you need a teenager to freaking bust his butt and get that done?
• 9:50
  Ben: Ben Pugh, he's the guy.
• 9:52
  Ben: Do you need a kid to get like a C minus on a test?
• 9:56
  Ben: Don't
• 9:56
  Cort: Bend your guy.
• 9:57
  Ben: Like
• 9:58
  Cort: Oh no.
• 9:58
  Cort: Not even a c.
• 9:59
  Ben: he might get a D, but the truth is I just, I was not motivated by school.
• 10:05
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 10:05
  Ben: I was motivated by.
• 10:08
  Ben: Getting things done, like there is a sense of accomplishment.
• 10:12
  Ben: Cortni, tell me if you have ever experienced this, when there is a field that's like acres,
• 10:19
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 10:20
  Ben: 300 bales of hay on that field,
• 10:22
  Cort: Yeah.
• 10:22
  Ben: and you go clear that field and stack it neatly into a barn.
• 10:28
  Ben: That they like.
• 10:29
  Ben: You just look at the empty field and the full barn and there's a level of accomplishment and pride I don't know, it was a driving factor.
• 10:39
  Cort: It clearly life changing because 30 years later it's still impacting you.
• 10:44
  Cort: But yes, I agree that would, I would feel very accomplished if I had done something like that.
• 10:48
  Ben: But can you see how easy it was to just label me as lazy because I didn't do very well in school?
• 10:56
  Cort: yes.
• 10:57
  Ben: And the crazy part is just going back to my high school days, this is kind of fun.
• 11:02
  Ben: I hadn't thought about high school a lot lately, but here we are thinking about high school, when I played football.
• 11:09
  Ben: I wasn't the biggest kid.
• 11:10
  Ben: I wasn't the strongest kid.
• 11:12
  Ben: I wasn't the fastest kid.
• 11:13
  Ben: I was just the hardest working kid, and I wouldn't give up.
• 11:17
  Ben: I was like the little young, chubby version of Rocky, you can knock me down.
• 11:22
  Ben: I'd get right back up.
• 11:23
  Ben: Eventually, that paid off my senior year and my parents were like, man, like I graduated with a 2.0 something.
• 11:32
  Ben: I made that.
• 11:33
  Ben: I am benchmarked so that I could play sports and I just wasn't motivated by that type of stuff.
• 11:39
  Ben: It didn't mean I was lazy, it
• 11:41
  Cort: Right.
• 11:41
  Ben: I had different values.
• 11:43
  Cort: Yeah, I mean, school's not for everyone, but it just goes to show that you were motivated by a lot of things, just not what your parents wanted you to be motivated by.
• 11:51
  Ben: And here's I wanna say this.
• 11:53
  Ben: I think a lot of us have fallen into the trap that we just believe that school is the most important thing, which is really hard when your teen doesn't agree with you and they're like, I think school's a waste of time.
• 12:07
  Ben: How would you recommend that a parent deals with that?
• 12:10
  Ben: And if they're like, man, yeah, I can now see that my teen is motivated.
• 12:15
  Ben: In the area of video games or conserving energy or finding ways to get outta the house and hang out with their girlfriend, but they're not motivated in what I want them to be motivated in.
• 12:27
  Ben: In fact, that's probably the real problem here.
• 12:30
  Cort: Right.
• 12:30
  Ben: What would you say to a parent dealing with that?
• 12:32
  Cort: To be honest with you, I don't have any idea.
• 12:34
  Cort: That's not something that I've had to struggle with.
• 12:37
  Cort: He's had his challenges in school, but I mean, he's a good kid and I've often wondered how I would deal with something like that.
• 12:44
  Ben: Do you remember when he kind of transitioned from basketball to volleyball?
• 12:49
  Cort: yes.
• 12:50
  Cort: My last broken heart.
• 12:52
  Ben: That's the same example though, like you want your teen to be motivated by something
• 12:57
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 12:58
  Ben: and they're motivated by something else.
• 13:00
  Cort: Yes.
• 13:01
  Ben: Same principle, just some people would say, oh, but that's way more trivial.
• 13:06
  Ben: Nah, it's just, it is just a different flavor.
• 13:09
  Ben: Yeah.
• 13:10
  Cort: Yeah.
• 13:10
  Cort: I guess for me, I think.
• 13:13
  Cort: I don't think school is the end all be all,
• 13:15
  Ben: but
• 13:15
  Cort: I also want to teach my kids that, sometimes you have to do things in life that you don't necessarily want to do, but you kind of have to go through A, B, C to get to D Or if we all gave up and just didn't put effort into something that we didn't wanna do, I mean, we really wouldn't accomplish much, most of us.
• 13:34
  Cort: so I don't know.
• 13:35
  Cort: I would still push my kids in the school area.
• 13:38
  Cort: I don't expect perfection.
• 13:40
  Cort: I don't expect straight A's.
• 13:41
  Cort: I just expect effort.
• 13:43
  Cort: And Ben, if you giving effort, got you a D, but you tried your hardest, I would be proud of you.
• 13:49
  Cort: I am proud of you and I would be proud of my kid, but just effort, it's the lack of effort that is frustrating to me.
• 13:56
  Ben: Yeah.
• 13:56
  Ben: Okay, good.
• 13:57
  Ben: This is something I have to coach my football players on all the time.
• 14:02
  Ben: Which is hard sometimes because I have kind of gone to the extreme where I'm like, yeah, school isn't that important, guys don't stress it so much.
• 14:10
  Ben: Like we had this one football player.
• 14:12
  Ben: He's I took a test.
• 14:13
  Ben: I didn't realize there was a back page on the test and I only answered half the questions.
• 14:19
  Ben: And then I get my grade back and it's like a 70 out of 100.
• 14:23
  Ben: And I'm like, know 70 is still passing.
• 14:25
  Ben: Like you're still good.
• 14:26
  Ben: And he's I have a perfect 4.0.
• 14:29
  Ben: Do you know how much this will bring it down?
• 14:31
  Ben: I'm like, I have no idea.
• 14:32
  Ben: I'm sorry.
• 14:33
  Ben: And I'm like, also, go talk to your teacher.
• 14:35
  Ben: I am 100% sure.
• 14:37
  Cort: they will let you.
• 14:38
  Cort: Yeah.
• 14:39
  Ben: how come this whole entire back page wasn't answered?
• 14:43
  Ben: Anyways,
• 14:43
  Cort: Right.
• 14:44
  Ben: the thing that I do tell my football players though, because what happens is I get football players that are very motivated.
• 14:51
  Ben: To be good football players and they'll be motivated to conserve energy in math class so that when they go to weights, they can expend all that energy.
• 15:04
  Cort: Oh God.
• 15:04
  Ben: the problem is if you aren't passing math, there's a good chance you won't be able to play football.
• 15:11
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 15:12
  Ben: one of the things that I like to do is I like to understand what do my teens value?
• 15:18
  Ben: Doesn't matter if they're my children, doesn't matter if they're my football players.
• 15:22
  Ben: want to know what do they value how can I reinforce the thing I want them to do with their own value.
• 15:31
  Ben: when it comes to my football players, I'll tell'em things like, Hey, how you do one thing is how you do anything.
• 15:37
  Ben: Like you need to practice discipline.
• 15:39
  Ben: You need to practice effort in your math class because that transfers over to the football field.
• 15:46
  Ben: And if you don't have that skill in math, well guess what?
• 15:49
  Ben: I've seen you play football, you have it in football.
• 15:52
  Ben: You need to start practicing applying that very same skill in this area that you don't like it.
• 15:59
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 16:00
  Ben: just a way to help.
• 16:00
  Ben: A teen create motivation for themselves is to start subconsciously connecting it to something that is actually important to them.
• 16:09
  Ben: Does that make sense?
• 16:10
  Cort: Yeah, no, absolutely.
• 16:12
  Cort: Absolutely.
• 16:12
  Cort: I think one thing, We do, and I fall near this trap is when they're not motivated and out of frustration I will pick up the pieces and do it for them, or if it's taking too long.
• 16:24
  Cort: and I've realized obviously that's not helpful.
• 16:27
  Cort: so try to avoid that trap.
• 16:29
  Ben: let, lemme just.
• 16:30
  Ben: Be the devil's advocate because I'm so good at it.
• 16:33
  Ben: Here's the thing, I coached a mom once who, her big thing was like her teen needed to do their own laundry.
• 16:40
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 16:40
  Ben: might've been on this call.
• 16:41
  Ben: I specifically remember this is a group call
• 16:44
  Cort: Okay.
• 16:45
  Ben: this mom is my teen needs to do his own laundry.
• 16:49
  Ben: And I'm like, okay.
• 16:50
  Ben: what happens if he doesn't?
• 16:52
  Ben: And she's this happens all the time.
• 16:54
  Ben: He just puts on clothes off the ground or from the hamper, and I'm like, okay, what's wrong with that?
• 17:00
  Ben: At least he's going out fully clothed.
• 17:03
  Ben: she's have you ever pulled clothes out of a hamper?
• 17:05
  Ben: They stink, they're musty.
• 17:07
  Ben: And I'm like, yeah, wrong with that?
• 17:09
  Ben: And she's surely his friends have to notice.
• 17:12
  Ben: I'm like, yeah.
• 17:13
  Ben: wrong with that?
• 17:14
  Ben: Well, what if.
• 17:15
  Ben: They don't like him anymore because he smells funny.
• 17:18
  Ben: And I'm like,
• 17:18
  Cort: Hm.
• 17:19
  Ben: what's wrong with that?
• 17:20
  Ben: And she's just he needs to wash his own clothes.
• 17:24
  Ben: And it got to the point where I'm like, okay, kid by the way, is like 16, like six foot seven.
• 17:31
  Ben: I don't know.
• 17:31
  Ben: He was big.
• 17:32
  Ben: And this mom is tiny.
• 17:33
  Ben: I'm like, you force him to do his laundry?
• 17:37
  Ben: And she's no.
• 17:38
  Ben: Like we've tried everything to motivate him.
• 17:41
  Ben: And I'm like, if the laundry is so important, could always just do it yourself.
• 17:46
  Ben: And there was a point where everything clicked and she's it was like two weeks later we had another call and she's I just have to tell you we haven't fought in two weeks.
• 17:54
  Ben: And I'm like, awesome.
• 17:55
  Ben: What changed?
• 17:56
  Ben: She's I realized doing his laundry was not even anywhere on his list of values.
• 18:02
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 18:03
  Ben: getting his laundry done is one of my top values.
• 18:06
  Ben: And she's I started doing his laundry and he actually offered to trade and he would do other things around the house
• 18:13
  Cort: Wow.
• 18:13
  Ben: she, just because your kid won't do what you want him to, doesn't mean there's something wrong.
• 18:18
  Ben: Like if that is a really high priority for you.
• 18:22
  Ben: You can pick up the pieces and you can totally do it for him.
• 18:25
  Ben: That's fine.
• 18:25
  Ben: I guarantee you this young man at some point will either have to learn to do his own laundry or he's gonna keep on going home to mom or find someone he can pay to do his laundry
• 18:36
  Cort: Or let me be devil's advocate.
• 18:38
  Cort: Don't do his laundry and let him go hang out with his friends, smelling like a clothes hamper.
• 18:44
  Cort: And I bet you all it takes is one person to be like, dude, you stink.
• 18:48
  Cort: And he'll start doing his laundry like that.
• 18:50
  Cort: Your what?
• 18:51
  Cort: Your friends say, your friends influence you so much.
• 18:53
  Cort: I'm sure.
• 18:54
  Cort: Then he'd start doing his laundry.
• 18:55
  Ben: yeah.
• 18:55
  Ben: And just for the record, I do remember this kid was 16 I remember saying something like, eh, give it few months, maybe a year.
• 19:06
  Ben: I, when he starts caring about girls, he will care more.
• 19:11
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 19:11
  Ben: particular mom was like, no, like it is one of my.
• 19:15
  Ben: Highest values.
• 19:15
  Ben: Like she's a really wealthy, woman.
• 19:18
  Ben: She doesn't want her kid going out smelling well.
• 19:21
  Ben: She can't control whether or not her teen does his laundry, and she just was able to fix that problem just by being like, oh, this isn't one of his values, it's my values.
• 19:30
  Ben: I'm okay doing it.
• 19:31
  Ben: Now.
• 19:32
  Ben: The thing that I, oh, go ahead Cortni.
• 19:34
  Ben: You were about to say something.
• 19:35
  Ben: Just really good.
• 19:36
  Cort: It.
• 19:37
  Cort: Well, yeah.
• 19:37
  Cort: Yeah.
• 19:38
  Cort: Really good.
• 19:38
  Cort: You could tell by my face.
• 19:39
  Ben: exactly.
• 19:40
  Ben: So
• 19:40
  Cort: So you said she was worried about him going out, smelling or whatever.
• 19:45
  Cort: That's one thing that we need to be mindful of too, is we're so worried about what everybody else thinks.
• 19:50
  Cort: going back to the Let them theory just'cause I've been talking about it with my family lately.
• 19:54
  Cort: She's everyone will have bad thoughts about you.
• 19:56
  Cort: Let them like stop worrying about what everybody else is gonna think.
• 20:00
  Cort: A lot of our issues are probably because we're worried about what someone else is gonna think, whether it's about our parenting or if our kids clothes smell like a hamper, or if they have too much screen time or the grades that they're getting in school.
• 20:12
  Cort: I mean, let people think what they're gonna think.
• 20:14
  Ben: Yeah.
• 20:14
  Ben: And I feel like that is connected to the motivational triad by the way, like that avoidance of pain.
• 20:23
  Ben: It's painful to have people think that your a lousy mom and that your kid stinks or whatever that is.
• 20:30
  Ben: Let'em think that's on them.
• 20:32
  Cort: Yeah.
• 20:32
  Ben: the truth is if it is your highest value and it's not your teens, like
• 20:37
  Cort: I.
• 20:38
  Ben: need to wrestle with that and figure that out.
• 20:40
  Ben: For
• 20:40
  Cort: Yeah.
• 20:41
  Ben: It completely worked.
• 20:42
  Ben: the other thing about parenting.
• 20:44
  Ben: There's no one right way
• 20:46
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 20:46
  Ben: wrong way.
• 20:47
  Ben: for this mom, oh, I can do the laundry'cause it's important to me.
• 20:51
  Ben: That works for her.
• 20:52
  Ben: But for Cortni, it might be like, no, it's important that my kid do the laundry.
• 20:56
  Ben: I'm just gonna let'em go out and smell like a hamper.
• 20:59
  Ben: Neither one of those is right or wrong.
• 21:00
  Ben: You just need to figure out which one you feel best about.
• 21:04
  Cort: Yeah, for the record, I would feel bad if my kid was told that he smelled and his feelings were hurt.
• 21:10
  Cort: It would hurt my heart, but
• 21:12
  Ben: sometimes
• 21:13
  Cort: that's how we learn lessons, even as adults, like we have to go through something hard to make a change or to do something different.
• 21:21
  Ben: yeah.
• 21:22
  Cort: can't protect them from that.
• 21:23
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:24
  Ben: I
• 21:24
  Cort: Or we're not doing them any favors by protecting them.
• 21:27
  Ben: Yeah.
• 21:27
  Ben: that's the world and.
• 21:28
  Ben: When you protect them.
• 21:30
  Ben: Sometimes in our effort to protect our children, we disempower our children
• 21:35
  Cort: Yes.
• 21:36
  Cort: Yes, I agree.
• 21:37
  Ben: and that one right there is a perfectly good example of the Let Them theory, which Mel Robbins totally stole from me.
• 21:45
  Ben: She must have listened to my podcast.
• 21:46
  Ben: I just call it the T chart of control.
• 21:48
  Ben: But whatever the Let Them Theory, like that's the type of thing where when you let them go out, smell'em like a hamper.
• 21:55
  Ben: You are.
• 21:55
  Ben: putting them at risk.
• 21:57
  Ben: you might feel bad if someone says something about you, but you're also empowering them.
• 22:02
  Ben: I know you can handle that.
• 22:03
  Ben: Like the thing that drives me nuts is when parents are like, no.
• 22:07
  Ben: What if they get their feelings hurt?
• 22:08
  Ben: What if?
• 22:09
  Ben: And I'm like, it's good to get your feelings hurt.
• 22:12
  Ben: It's a good process to manage that.
• 22:14
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 22:15
  Ben: your kid from that their whole life.
• 22:16
  Cort: Right.
• 22:17
  Ben: And so one of the things that I wanted to bring up, the thing that I see a lot when it comes to motivation, honestly, 99% of the motivation talk that I hear parents about is my kid is not motivated to do school.
• 22:31
  Ben: And as someone who was also not motivated to do school, let me just say they'll probably be okay.
• 22:37
  Ben: It's not the end of the world.
• 22:38
  Ben: Having said that.
• 22:39
  Ben: One of the things that I've taught parents repeatedly is a concept of rights versus privileges my home.
• 22:48
  Ben: We have conversations fairly regularly about what the difference is between a right and a privilege.
• 22:55
  Ben: If you are a teenager, especially when it comes to school, isn't motivated to get assignments done, keep their grades up.
• 23:02
  Ben: Oftentimes I can be remedied by having a good rights versus privileges conversation by starting to attach some of their privileges to the school, to the thing that you want.
• 23:17
  Ben: here's the thing that I think is important, in my home, like I currently pay for my kids' car insurance.
• 23:24
  Ben: I just found out recently, I pay for his gas sometimes because when he fills up at Walmart and uses the Walmart, apple, he doesn't have a card on that, so he uses our card.
• 23:34
  Ben: I know, right.
• 23:36
  Ben: Anyways, these are privileges I can attach these privileges because I'm providing the privileges.
• 23:44
  Ben: I can attach them to things that I want him to do, and it isn't to control my teen.
• 23:49
  Ben: It's to empower him to choose.
• 23:52
  Ben: If you want to continue to have access to this, I'll just take the Walmart app off your phone, which would suck for us because Walmart's half an hour away and like the other day we wanted to buy chicken.
• 24:04
  Ben: It's like twice as much at our little small town, local grocery store or
• 24:08
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 24:09
  Ben: pick up some chicken thighs.
• 24:11
  Ben: I, if I took away that privilege.
• 24:14
  Ben: It would also take away a privilege of mine.
• 24:17
  Ben: I have the privilege of having a teenager who can pick up stuff, the thing is, when you have the rights versus privileges conversation, you can analyze.
• 24:25
  Ben: You can be like, oh, well, I control this privilege.
• 24:28
  Ben: If you want to continue enjoying that, remember, teens are motivated to seek pleasure.
• 24:34
  Ben: If you want to continue getting the pleasure of having this privilege, need to at least get.
• 24:39
  Ben: A B however it is, that gives your teen the choice.
• 24:44
  Ben: Do I want to choose to continue getting this privilege?
• 24:47
  Ben: If so, I need to figure my crap out so I can do what mom and dad want me to.
• 24:51
  Ben: Does that
• 24:52
  Cort: Yeah.
• 24:52
  Ben: Yeah.
• 24:52
  Ben: That
• 24:53
  Cort: does one thing that I have implemented and it works in my house.
• 24:58
  Cort: and it's worth a try,
• 24:59
  Ben: but
• 25:00
  Cort: it's not so much lack of motivation as it is distraction.
• 25:03
  Cort: I feel like kids nowadays have so much to distract them.
• 25:07
  Cort: I can't tell you how many Snapchat notifications pop up on my son's phone.
• 25:11
  Cort: It's ridiculous.
• 25:12
  Cort: and so I told him, I was like, listen, all these missing assignments, like there is no excuse for them.
• 25:17
  Cort: You have plenty of time, after school to get them done.
• 25:21
  Cort: I was like, so I.
• 25:22
  Cort: I take his, video game controllers during the week.
• 25:24
  Cort: He doesn't play video games during the week, and he really didn't put up a huge fuss.
• 25:28
  Cort: and then his cell phone goes off at 10 30 at night.
• 25:31
  Cort: I just shut it down from my phone and it's automatic, and he pushed back a little bit, but he goes to bed earlier.
• 25:38
  Cort: His homework is done.
• 25:39
  Cort: I used to let him have unlimited phone time.
• 25:42
  Cort: As long as he could get his stuff done, he could get up and go to school.
• 25:45
  Cort: Like I've never woken him up for school.
• 25:48
  Cort: And he, it looked like he was getting everything done, so I let him be in control of that.
• 25:52
  Cort: But when he wasn't in control of that, that's when I stepped in.
• 25:55
  Cort: And so now everything shuts off at 10 30.
• 25:57
  Cort: He's getting more sleep.
• 25:59
  Cort: I actually think it's a relief for him because he doesn't feel pressure to play video games with his friends or to respond to every Snapchat or.
• 26:06
  Cort: I don't know, but it has helped tremendously with the missing assignment
• 26:10
  Ben: Yeah.
• 26:11
  Ben: I love that.
• 26:12
  Ben: And I think, like we talked briefly early on, I was like, man, the world kids live in like of dopamine.
• 26:20
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 26:21
  Ben: word for that could just be distractions.
• 26:23
  Ben: Like
• 26:23
  Cort: Yes.
• 26:24
  Ben: little distraction is just you seeking after this little dopamine hit.
• 26:28
  Ben: Oh, what did my friends say?
• 26:29
  Ben: What did, what's this little notification?
• 26:32
  Ben: if we were to just simplify it, the things killing your teen's motivation are probably over comfort, over distractedness and a lack of shared values.
• 26:45
  Ben: And so as a parent, like distractions, in my opinion, those are just privileges.
• 26:52
  Ben: if you
• 26:52
  Cort: Right.
• 26:53
  Ben: of these distractions, need to do blank.
• 26:57
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 26:57
  Ben: the ball back in their court, let them figure that out.
• 27:01
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 27:02
  Ben: the over comfort.
• 27:03
  Ben: Comfort, that's a huge privilege in my house.
• 27:06
  Ben: It like, you can sit around and do nothing'cause I'm not gonna like physically make you do chores, but I will just call the cell phone company and turn off your phone.
• 27:15
  Ben: I wouldn't even have to call'em, I'd just go online, kill that phone.
• 27:19
  Cort: Screen time.
• 27:20
  Cort: Don't you have the screen time app or screen time?
• 27:23
  Ben: honestly, we don't have to do this with our kids.
• 27:26
  Ben: They understand that it's a privilege
• 27:28
  Cort: Yeah.
• 27:28
  Ben: and they do what's expected to earn the privilege, and
• 27:33
  Cort: Yeah.
• 27:33
  Ben: we have to have a conversation I don't admit to them that I don't readily know how to turn off their cell phone.
• 27:40
  Ben: But I could be like, well, I'll just stop paying for it.
• 27:44
  Ben: And sometime in the next month it's just gonna stop working and you'll know that's on you.
• 27:48
  Ben: But
• 27:48
  Cort: Yeah.
• 27:49
  Ben: But yeah, so if your teen isn't motivated, I would start to explore what are these distractions?
• 27:55
  Ben: They're privileges.
• 27:56
  Ben: Can I manage the privilege and have my teen earn those?
• 28:00
  Ben: I would look at the comfort level.
• 28:02
  Ben: If you are letting your teen play video games all day long, sitting on the couch eating Cheetos,
• 28:08
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 28:08
  Ben: is pretty darn comfortable.
• 28:10
  Cort: Mm-hmm.
• 28:11
  Ben: And it's super easy to understand why your kid isn't motivated to do something.
• 28:14
  Ben: I could choose between the two, I'd pick video games, Cheetos on the couch, find ways to understand, oh, this is what's going on.
• 28:22
  Ben: And then you as a parent, control what is within your control.
• 28:25
  Ben: And then the last one I just wanna highlight, like my teen who used to be super motivated by basketball, he still does basketball, just not as much as I want him to.
• 28:34
  Ben: He does basketball, more than 99% of kids in the world today.
• 28:38
  Ben: And yet I'm like, yeah, but Kobe Bryant did it like all day, every day.
• 28:42
  Ben: The thing is, he's motivated by different values.
• 28:46
  Ben: I want money, I want a job, I want to hang out with my girlfriend.
• 28:49
  Ben: And he's trying to figure out that balance.
• 28:51
  Ben: And just because he's not as motivated to do what I want him to, doesn't mean he's lazy.
• 28:57
  Cort: Right.
• 28:57
  Ben: think a lot of parents just revert to that.
• 29:00
  Ben: Well, he's not getting straight A's.
• 29:01
  Ben: He's just lazy now.
• 29:03
  Ben: He probably values being a class clown like I did.
• 29:06
  Ben: It was fun.
• 29:07
  Cort: Yeah, or give it the, I mean, as long as they're putting an effort, I feel like I, I wanna set attainable goals, and if they feel like if they put an effort and I'll be satisfied, then that's great, rather than if they feel like, well, I'm probably not gonna get it anyway, so I'm just not gonna try.
• 29:22
  Ben: yeah, what I figured out I needed a 2.0 to play sports.
• 29:26
  Ben: I can get a 2.0.
• 29:28
  Ben: crazy thing is when I graduated college, I graduated with 3.9
• 29:32
  Cort: No sports to distract you or did you play in college?
• 29:34
  Ben: did not play in college.
• 29:36
  Ben: I kinda wish that I would have, but I'm a little guy at six foot, 200 and some odd pounds.
• 29:44
  Ben: football's your sport, unless you're really fast, that's not quite big enough.
• 29:48
  Ben: And I was a lineman and I would go talk to college coaches and they'd be like.
• 29:53
  Ben: Where's the other half of you?
• 29:54
  Ben: Like we need a full size man, not just a little.
• 29:57
  Cort: Chubby.
• 29:58
  Ben: stand next to, I remember going to a college, I can't remember what it was, and I'm there with the other linemen and they're all like six three.
• 30:10
  Ben: There's one dude who's six, seven, and I'm like, six foot nothing.
• 30:16
  Ben: And these guys all are pushing 300 pounds, and I'm like two 10 at the time anyways.
• 30:22
  Ben: Yeah, I know.
• 30:23
  Ben: All right.
• 30:23
  Ben: Well, here's the thing.
• 30:25
  Ben: Moms, dads, if you're listening to this podcast, I don't just default to my teen is lazy.
• 30:31
  Ben: Start exploring what drives them.
• 30:33
  Ben: What are their values, what are some of the privileges that I can use to motivate them to.
• 30:38
  Ben: some of the things that I want and then have it be kind of this coordinated, dance between you and your teen.
• 30:45
  Ben: Oh, you don't do this, I won't do this.
• 30:47
  Ben: Oh, you did do this.
• 30:49
  Ben: I'll now give you this privilege.
• 30:50
  Ben: And it's just, doesn't have to be angry, upset Just start implementing things that help your teen choose for themself, whether or not they'll be motivated.
• 31:01
  Cort: Yeah.
• 31:02
  Cort: Sounds good.
• 31:03
  Ben: Anything else you want to add, Cortni?
• 31:04
  Ben: I think
• 31:05
  Cort: I think that was great.
• 31:06
  Ben: I do too.
• 31:07
  Ben: Thank you, Cortni.
• 31:08
  Cort: Yeah.
• 31:08
  Ben: this podcast.
• 31:09
  Ben: Fantastic.
• 31:10
  Cort: Oh, sure.
• 31:11
  Ben: Okay, will be back next week.
• 31:14
  Ben: I just wanted to tell you real quick, I have completely revamped the parent trap quiz.
• 31:21
  Ben: I read through that recently and was harder than it should have been.
• 31:25
  Ben: As someone who does not like school, I don't want you to have to feel like you've just gone back to school.
• 31:30
  Ben: The parent trap quiz is now easier, faster.
• 31:34
  Ben: It's not live yet.
• 31:35
  Ben: It's not ready, but just hang on tight because.
• 31:38
  Ben: That will be ready in the next week or so, and that will help you identify any parent traps that you are getting stuck in.
• 31:45
  Ben: And it will come with a free podcast, mini series to help you get out of your old parent traps and start parenting in a way that actually works for you and for your teen.
• 31:59
  Ben: So.
• 32:00
  Ben: So back next week.
• 32:01
  Ben: Maybe that'll be the lucky week that I'm like, Hey, ta-da.
• 32:04
  Ben: It's ready.
• 32:04
  Ben: Cortni, I'm gonna send it to you and you can test it out.
• 32:07
  Cort: Okay.
• 32:08
  Ben: Cortni's gonna get first access.
• 32:10
  Ben: Don't be
• 32:10
  Cort: All.
• 32:11
  Ben: Okay?
• 32:11
  Ben: All right, with that, we're gonna let you guys go.
• 32:14
  Ben: We'll see you next week.