Latest / Drawn of History / Howie Mandel _ This Past Weekend w_ Theo Von _355(M4A_128K)

Transcript

Howie Mandel _ This Past Weekend w_ Theo Von _355(M4A_128K) · Drawn of History

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hey guys, I want to apologize for not having a
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: solo episode this week. Just been dealing with some stuff
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: and doing some work too. So just been a lot
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: of different things on the plate at this moment. But
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I love you guys and I'm so fortunate to have
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: today's guest in. This guy has been entertaining humans and
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: animals even. I mean, heck, the guy's been an animal
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: and entertained humans as an animal. He's done it in animation,
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: real life, flesh and bone, verbal, audio, visual. This guy
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: done it all. He's done it for decades now. You
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: know him probably most recently from America's Got Talent. I
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: know him at one point. He was my boss. And
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: I'm so grateful to have the hilarious, the timeless comedian, Mr.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Howie Mandel.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: And break and let myself unwind.
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: Shine that light on me.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: I'll sit and tell you my story.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: Shine on me and I will find.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: A Yeah, I just wonder. Because I remember when I
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: was a kid, sometimes if we did something bad, then
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: we would come downstairs. We would try to get my
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: mom to let us watch TV. That was the big thing.
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: Were you not allowed to watch TV?
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: As a kid, no, not if we were bad.
• 1:49
  Speaker 4: That's what they held from you, TV?
• 1:51
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:52
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Wow. Yeah, they held that TV. And it was the
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: main thing. We had, I think, this TV was probably,
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: it was a pretty tiny TV, maybe 14 inches. It
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: was one of those.
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: Size doesn't matter.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: But you had to get, yeah, you had to get
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: close to it. You had to get real close. Right.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: So anyway, we'd come down and perform for my mom
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: so that she would let us.
• 2:14
  Speaker 4: You have to dance for TV time.
• 2:15
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 2:17
  Speaker 4: And that's like Vons Got Talent.
• 2:20
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: Kind of like Vons Got Talent. It was like the Vons.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: And instead of a million dollars or a show in Vegas,
• 2:25
  Speaker 4: you just get to watch a show on a 14-inch TV.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: Black and white TV. Yeah, and it was usually like, yeah,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: a lot of times it was, you know, Bob Saget's
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: show with the- Full House. Full House or- You would
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: dance to watch Full House. Yeah, when I look back
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: on it, I think I should have just, you know,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I should have danced for something better. Sometimes it was
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: honestly the one with John Walsh, the missing, you know,
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: where the people go.
• 2:48
  Speaker 4: Yeah, America's Most Wanted. Right. Which actually, actually ended up
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: catching people.
• 2:55
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: That TV show. Oh, yeah. I still watch that. I
• 2:58
  Speaker 4: like that, and I like cops. I liked all those.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: The mic's open.
• 3:04
  Speaker 5: Sorry.
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: It's okay. Was that somebody breathing?
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah, just Nick, so I just was going to try
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: to give him to close that back.
• 3:10
  Speaker 4: Was that Nick, you breathing?
• 3:11
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I had the speaker way too loud in there.
• 3:14
  Speaker 6: My voice is probably way too loud.
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: No, it's not even your voice. It's just that I
• 3:17
  Speaker 4: was starting. We were talking. I would get nervous. No,
• 3:20
  Speaker 4: but I was talking, and then I heard heavy breathing,
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: and I thought, oh, my God, your fan base for
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: this podcast really enjoys. Like, this is, I've been on
• 3:28
  Speaker 4: a lot of podcasts, but I've never heard the enjoyment
• 3:31
  Speaker 4: of the audience coming through. You know, it was just like. Thanks, Nick.
• 3:38
  Speaker 6: They're separate audio tracks. Sometimes they remove it. Sometimes it's
• 3:41
  Speaker 6: an extra layer.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: Oh, you don't know. So like this may have been
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: removed in post-production before it went out.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: So then I come off like an asshole talking about
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: breathing that only I heard.
• 3:52
  Speaker 6: But now I'm going to keep it in.
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: Well, no, if you keep it out, then you can
• 3:55
  Speaker 4: cut out this part too.
• 3:57
  Speaker 6: But this is hilarious.
• 3:58
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: I think at this point he does it. He got
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: a free, he got a group on for a Lamaze
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: course too, that he's using as like kind of a,
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: to meet women.
• 4:05
  Speaker 4: I love that. That's a great way to meet women.
• 4:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 4:08
  Speaker 4: And you're not seeing them at their, at their best.
• 4:11
  Speaker 4: Have you ever been with a pregnant woman, Theo?
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 4:17
  Speaker 4: No, you would know. You would know.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Oh, then no. No, I haven't been with like somebody
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: that's passed like probably a week or two.
• 4:25
  Speaker 4: Oh, okay.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I don't think anyway. Not in my lifetime. I have,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: but it was my wife.
• 4:31
  Speaker 4: Oh, okay. But I'm talking about like sex in the
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: third trimester. No. Oh, my God. What you do is
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: you don't want to hurt the baby, right? So you
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: don't want to lie on top and you don't want
• 4:42
  Speaker 4: her to lie on top of you. What we used
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: to do is just butter the table and then lie
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: her on the table and I just grab the ankles
• 4:49
  Speaker 4: and then slide her back and forth. And that way
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: there's no pressure on her abdomen or, you know.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: That's an Emeril Lagasse method too. I feel like he,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: that has like a lot of.
• 5:00
  Speaker 4: Pow.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: Is that what he says? Bang.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: Pow.
• 5:04
  Speaker 7: Bam.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 5:05
  Speaker 4: I forgot. Thank you. Bam.
• 5:07
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 5:07
  Speaker 4: What did you turn on now, Nick? There's a humming noise.
• 5:10
  Speaker 6: That's the elevator.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: That's the elevator, yeah. That's just a rent issue. It's
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: just why we pay a low rent.
• 5:15
  Speaker 4: Do the people at home hear that? There's a lot
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: of background noises that I'm hearing.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: A lot going on in here. The people, well, a
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: lot of it is the part of the elevator I
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: don't mind is it's a lot of senior citizens going
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: to get checked out.
• 5:31
  Speaker 4: Is this a medical building we're in?
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: Yes, medical building.
• 5:33
  Speaker 4: Are you fucking kidding me?
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not.
• 5:35
  Speaker 4: What is this? This is not like an infectious disease center.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: No, it's not.
• 5:40
  Speaker 4: What kind of doctor are we right next to?
• 5:42
  Speaker 6: Lots of mental health.
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: Oh, then that's okay.
• 5:45
  Speaker 6: Lots of dads coming alone and women coming with kids
• 5:47
  Speaker 6: and then they meet and go to meetings.
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: Oh, mediators.
• 5:50
  Speaker 9: Yeah.
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: The divorce. Well, that's different than a medical building.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: There's divorce and there was pornography for a bit down
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: the hall.
• 5:56
  Speaker 4: You had pornography down the hall?
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: We didn't, but somebody did with Nick's breathing. He could
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: almost have it. But you could hear some, some of
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: you could hear, I couldn't tell if it was argue,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: like contractual arguments through the wall or what it was,
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: you know, but you could hear a bit of tussling
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: kind of.
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: When I, I don't know that people know this, but I,
• 6:16
  Speaker 4: I did years ago, I, I did the movie gremlins
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: and I'm gizmo.
• 6:20
  Speaker 5: Oh yeah.
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: Yeah. That's gizmo.
• 6:23
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 6:24
  Speaker 4: But you know, I had to, I had to audition
• 6:26
  Speaker 4: to get that. And I auditioned in a building in Burbank,
• 6:29
  Speaker 4: not unlike this building here. And I didn't know that
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: it was a medical building and the casting person had
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: rented an office in the medical building. So I was
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: going for the audition for Gremlins. And it wasn't just
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: me to play gizmos and all that. But as I
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: went up the stairs, all I heard is a woman's
• 6:50
  Speaker 4: voice going, Oh!
• 6:52
  Speaker 5: Oh!
• 6:53
  Speaker 8: Oh!
• 6:55
  Speaker 10: Oh!
• 6:55
  Speaker 4: That's all I heard. And I thought, oh, she's going
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: to get the part. And then... I, uh, it was,
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: so it was right next to an OBGYN, some gynecologist,
• 7:04
  Speaker 4: and she was having a procedure. I assume she was
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: having a procedure. Yeah. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe she's just
• 7:09
  Speaker 4: a complainer sitting in the waiting room.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: Yelling, ow.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 7:14
  Speaker 4: But, uh, and then I, I got the part. I
• 7:16
  Speaker 4: went into the wrong office. I went into the gynecology. No,
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: I did. But then they said, no, next door. Cause
• 7:20
  Speaker 4: I was the only guy. I went, you're going to,
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: I can beat that. She's going, ow. And I'm going, ow. Okay.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: Did you practice that voice before you went, or did
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: you kind of just go on the fly?
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: No, I didn't practice. That's the only voice I do.
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: You know, people, I think we talked about that before.
• 7:38
  Speaker 4: I do. I was, it was part of my act.
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: I was 11 years old, and I was at a
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: birthday party, and I was choking on a piece of cake.
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: And you know when it goes halfway down your throat,
• 7:46
  Speaker 4: and then you can't dislodge it? I think there was
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: something in the, you know, when someone's halfway down.
• 7:52
  Speaker 7: So I was going, help me, help me, help me.
• 7:57
  Speaker 7: Help me.
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: And they were doing that. They were laughing. I'm saying,
• 7:59
  Speaker 4: help me. And you're laughing. Everybody at the party was laughing.
• 8:02
  Speaker 7: I'm going, I can't breathe. There's something halfway down my throat.
• 8:07
  Speaker 7: Please help me.
• 8:09
  Speaker 4: And they were laughing.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Now, that sounds like what I heard through the wall
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: with the pornography group, actually, that exact quote.
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: Really? That exact quote.
• 8:16
  Speaker 10: Help me.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: There's something halfway down my throat.
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: And then I dislodged it. But when I went home,
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: my memory was the trauma of almost choking and dying.
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: But more importantly, what stood over that was everybody at
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: the party was looking at me and laughing at me.
• 8:30
  Speaker 4: And I thought, oh my God, if I could just
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: bring myself this close to death each and every night,
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: I could be an entertainer. I could be in show business.
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: So I practiced without.
• 8:42
  Speaker 5: Cake.
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: So you could do it. It's just like you take
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: the nipple of a balloon. You know when you blow
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: up a balloon and you stretch a balloon? So that's
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: not my voice. I'm not talking. No, it's not doing that.
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: If you close your throat. Can you try it? This
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: is a really bad ASMR. But it's good.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: The weird thing is there's some Star Trek fan out
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: there probably getting erect right now.
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: So now I did that voice, and that became part
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: of my act. And then I got a job on
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: a show called Muppet Babies.
• 9:23
  Speaker 5: Oh, yeah.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: And I'm Skeeter. Oh.
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: I'm Skeeter. Oh, Skeeter is. Skeeter is that. Yeah.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Skeeter's kind of the ones. He's more multi-gender. He's everything,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: kind of.
• 9:35
  Speaker 4: Oh, his pronoun?
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: I think his pronouns is just everything. I'll go Moss,
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: you know. It's like everything in Spanish, I think. Wouldn't
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: Skeeter have a gender, did he?
• 9:45
  Speaker 7: I don't know.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: So that was the voice. I don't know.
• 9:48
  Speaker 7: I don't know what I am. My pronoun is everybody. Everybody.
• 9:53
  Speaker 4: There you go. So that was Skeeter. And then a
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: couple years later, I got Bobby's World. And I decided to...
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: to use the Skeeter voice. So I did this.
• 10:02
  Speaker 7: This is Skeeter. This is Bobby.
• 10:04
  Speaker 4: And then years later, when I saw my gynecologist, I
• 10:07
  Speaker 4: got Gizmo, and I did... So they're all the same.
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: A whole array of voices. I did other voices on
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: Muppet Babies. I was also Bunsen Honeydew. Oh, I don't
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: remember that.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: Will you bring up Bunsen, please?
• 10:20
  Speaker 7: Bunsen Honeydew, if you don't listen to me, I'll make
• 10:23
  Speaker 7: your sister disappear.
• 10:25
  Speaker 5: Dang.
• 10:25
  Speaker 4: It was that, and I was Animal.
• 10:28
  Speaker 7: Go, bye-bye.
• 10:30
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's cool, bro.
• 10:31
  Speaker 7: Go, bye-bye.
• 10:32
  Speaker 4: And then I was busy, and I was on the road,
• 10:35
  Speaker 4: and then who took over for me on that? I
• 10:37
  Speaker 4: think it was Dave Coulier.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: You guys almost look the same now.
• 10:40
  Speaker 4: It does look like me. I didn't realize that. Bunsen
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: Honeydew looks exactly like me. Oh, shit. That is so
• 10:49
  Speaker 4: fucking great.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: I never. You might have to rebirth.
• 10:52
  Speaker 4: I got to do.
• 10:53
  Speaker 7: Oh, my God.
• 10:54
  Speaker 5: It's me.
• 10:54
  Speaker 7: Look at me.
• 10:57
  Speaker 4: How did it? It's not the future. The puppet is designed.
• 10:59
  Speaker 4: You got to see Bunsen Honeydew. They could see this.
• 11:02
  Speaker 4: They're watching this on YouTube, right?
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Art imitates life, man.
• 11:05
  Speaker 4: That's the fact. Oh, my God. I didn't know.
• 11:06
  Speaker 8: Holy crap.
• 11:08
  Speaker 4: It's like my new headshot. That is going to be
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: my new headshot. Rich is in there. Richard works with me.
• 11:14
  Speaker 4: We got to just give out Bunsen honeydew pictures. Oh
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: my God. Look at all of them. What are you getting?
• 11:20
  Speaker 4: What is all that? And there's merchandise.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: Oh, that's Google. I'm just look where he went to
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: the beach. You can see him tanned up a little
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: bit there in some of those. Yeah.
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: Oh my God. I was a good looking. I had
• 11:31
  Speaker 4: no idea that I was voicing my own future. That's me. Well,
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: I think that's not baby Bunsen. Was there a baby Bunsen?
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: It's Muppet, go Muppet babies Bunsen honeydew. That's the regular
• 11:46
  Speaker 4: Bunsen honeydew. I was a Muppet baby. There I am.
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: Even more, even more like me.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: And there he is with an eight ball too.
• 11:56
  Speaker 4: And that was obviously. And look at the glasses.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: I have my own.
• 11:59
  Speaker 4: An eight ball.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: You're going through a tough time.
• 12:02
  Speaker 4: I am. You know, we talked about it before we
• 12:04
  Speaker 4: went on the air. Mental health. I've been dealing with
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: it from the beginning. And look, there's mentioning, there's my
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: new glass line. I had, he was, you know, I
• 12:11
  Speaker 4: got into the glasses business.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: Did you eyeless? Just people are going totally eyeless now?
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: Well, that's why he needs glasses. He has no eyes.
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: He only uses those for, I've never seen somebody wear
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: glasses without actual eyeballs.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Until you, bro, as a baby.
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: That's me. That's who you were. Well, because I didn't
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: want to be called Four Eyes. I wanted to be
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: called Noah.
• 12:29
  Speaker 11: Noah Eyes.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: I like that.
• 12:30
  Speaker 4: Yeah. But this is, I started also predicting the future.
• 12:34
  Speaker 4: So I'm doing that character. I had no idea that
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: one day I would shave my head. There is one
• 12:38
  Speaker 4: hair on there, isn't there? At the top. Is there
• 12:40
  Speaker 4: one hair? There seems to be like a little.
• 12:42
  Speaker 5: Oh, yes.
• 12:42
  Speaker 4: Do you see that?
• 12:43
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 12:44
  Speaker 4: If you pull that, it undoes my belly button.
• 12:48
  Speaker 10: Yes.
• 12:50
  Speaker 4: And then I didn't know I'd have my own line
• 12:51
  Speaker 4: of glasses. I had my own line of glasses.
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: That'd be so funny if you pulled that and your
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: belly button just came undone.
• 12:58
  Speaker 4: Haven't you ever done that? Have you ever cleaned the lint?
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: I get a lot of lint in my belly button
• 13:05
  Speaker 4: and sometimes when I start pulling the lint out, I
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: unravel my underpants.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: That's insane, man.
• 13:10
  Speaker 4: What? You've never done that? No, I never had.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I mean, I've had, what happens to me is I'll
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: wear like a blue socks and then I'll just, my
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: whole foot will be blue.
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: I thought you were going, I thought I wear blue
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: socks and then my belly button's filled with all this
• 13:26
  Speaker 4: blue lint. And I was thinking, how does that even?
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Oh no, I didn't even help your joke. I should have.
• 13:30
  Speaker 4: No, you're not helping a joke. I'm just, I was,
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: I was, I thought it was going a different place
• 13:35
  Speaker 4: than it was going. But yeah, sometimes with a blue sock,
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: you have blue lint.
• 13:38
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: And it gets all in between my toes. And sometimes
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: I'll wear like a sweater or something.
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: And then my belly button looks like it has like
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: a kind of an art project going on.
• 13:47
  Speaker 4: It's amazing what, like the amount of stuff that, well,
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: I can't speak for you, but for myself, the amount
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: of carry-on that I can bring on any flight with
• 13:56
  Speaker 4: just my belly button. It's not even a joke. There's
• 13:59
  Speaker 4: just been so, and then this is the other thing.
• 14:01
  Speaker 4: I'm a little bit of a hoarder. So like I'll
• 14:03
  Speaker 4: pick it out, but I don't throw it away.
• 14:05
  Speaker 10: Yeah.
• 14:06
  Speaker 4: So my side table beside my bed is filled with
• 14:09
  Speaker 4: about three years worth of stuff that I've picked out
• 14:11
  Speaker 4: of my belly button.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: Oh, you're halfway to a mitten, dude. You should do
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: a mitten. You should do like a locks for lust
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: kind of, but make it like a make something, you know.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: Somebody who has cold hands or something. It's like one of,
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: you know, Howie Mandel's lint button mittens, you know.
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: I love that idea.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: It's pretty.
• 14:29
  Speaker 4: It is a good idea. And you just come up
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: with this like off the top of your head.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I almost wish that I hadn't told you that idea.
• 14:35
  Speaker 4: You know I had a weird dream last night when
• 14:36
  Speaker 4: I was going to be on? I had a dream
• 14:39
  Speaker 4: last night that I was attacked. I don't know what
• 14:40
  Speaker 4: it was. I was attacked by three different hamsters, gerbils,
• 14:44
  Speaker 4: and guinea pigs. Oh, dude.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Well, and that's definitely, that's a warning sign right there.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: I sent those through my subconscious.
• 14:50
  Speaker 4: No, you did. Because when I think of you, I
• 14:52
  Speaker 4: went to bed thinking, okay, tomorrow I'm going to be
• 14:54
  Speaker 4: on the O Show.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: And that's the last memory I have before I fell asleep.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: That ground game, baby, that small ground game. You know,
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: a lot of that market went to Russia. Do you
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: know that?
• 15:05
  Speaker 4: Like the hamster?
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: A lot of hamster, gerbils, G-pigs. Will you look them
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: up maybe, Nick?
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: The Roborovskis? The Roborovskis? It's a family business?
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: I mean, look, I don't know if it is or not.
• 15:15
  Speaker 4: It became a family business, the hamster business?
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: But the Roborovskis, a lot of that market. Russian dwarf hamsters. Oh,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: when I was young, they were straight American, man. I mean,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: you got them right here.
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: How do you know the difference between a Russian hamster
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: and an American hamster?
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: A lot of it's in the width. I don't want
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: to say the thigh gap, but it's like the width
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: of their legs, how far apart they are from each other.
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: How far apart their legs are?
• 15:37
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: So do Russian hamsters have bigger nuts?
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say bigger nut. Actually, maybe that's why they
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: have that extra space there.
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: What do you mean? The legs are just further apart,
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: but nothing is filling it more? It's just more space?
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: The legs are a little bit further apart. Now, if
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: you get those Roborovskis or those white, a lot of
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: the dwarf hamster businesses come out of Russia. They're over
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: there in basements. They're dark art and brother. They're doing
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: it all. You know, I'm surprised. That's a Syrian.
• 16:03
  Speaker 4: That's a Syrian hamster. Oh, it is?
• 16:04
  Speaker 6: No, the left is an American hamster. The right is
• 16:07
  Speaker 6: a Roborovski, Russian hamster.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: See, the Roborovski's putting his hands together. He's plotting. You
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: see how they're doing, Howie?
• 16:14
  Speaker 4: You know, it's weird that you're showing me these things
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: and I'm really into it, but you talk about them like,
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: like if I go to a jeweler and I want
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: to buy like a stone or a diamond for my, no,
• 16:21
  Speaker 4: this is the Roborovsky crystal and it's got an incline
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: cut and it's got a clarity of six. You talk
• 16:28
  Speaker 4: about hamsters in the same way as a jeweler talks
• 16:30
  Speaker 4: about diamonds.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, these are gems, baby. These are.
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: So what are they shipping these here illegally?
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't say illegally. I don't think that, I mean,
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I don't know what they were doing at the time,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: but when I was young, it was all American hamsters.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: You picked up a hamster, you could hear Leonard Skinner,
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: you know, or you could hear Barbra Streisand. Streisand? You
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: could hear, yeah.
• 16:50
  Speaker 4: Barbra Streisand?
• 16:51
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 16:52
  Speaker 4: Not Barbra Streisand.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: You could hear both of them if you wanted.
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: Or is Barbra Streisand a place where you went to
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: go buy Roborovskis?
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, at the Barbra Streisand?
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: At the Barbra Streisand. There you go, yes. People who
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: need Roborovsky are the luckiest people in the world.
• 17:07
  Speaker 10: Yeah.
• 17:08
  Speaker 4: You know what's great? I love that you come up
• 17:10
  Speaker 4: with something and then your producer, Nick, has to, like,
• 17:12
  Speaker 4: with not even a smile, just a serious look, is
• 17:15
  Speaker 4: searching the web for the Roborovsky dwarf hamster breeding.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: Look at him.
• 17:20
  Speaker 4: But it seems like it's the dwarf hamsters, Roborovskys, they're
• 17:24
  Speaker 4: from Russia. It seems to be like a dark arts,
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: like a, there seems to be something evil.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: Sinister.
• 17:31
  Speaker 4: Right?
• 17:32
  Speaker 8: Mm-hmm.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: And if you look at them, man, I remember when
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: I was young, the smaller hamsters the stores were selling,
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: they were fuller. They had a little bit more life
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: in them. You looked like maybe after school, after the
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: day at the pet shop, they went home to loving families.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: You know, they had dinner at a small table. But
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: you look at these Roborovskis, man, it looked like they're
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: doing cigarettes. They're, you know, they're sleeping on stat, you know,
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: sleeping all on, you know, a lot of groups in
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: one bed.
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: This is horribly sad. We should get... Is there somebody
• 18:02
  Speaker 4: like Sarah McLachlan that could sing a song about the
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: Russian hamsters?
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: In the small arms of the angels.
• 18:10
  Speaker 4: And you have all these Russian hamsters just looking really sad.
• 18:14
  Speaker 4: You should put together a video.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: That wouldn't be a bad idea.
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: It would. For a dollar a day, you can.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: Less than that.
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: How much does it cost to feed a hamster a day?
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: What do hamsters eat?
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: I bet a dime a day. A lot of them
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: usually eat like a mix. They'll eat like a, I'm
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: going to bring it up, Nick.
• 18:31
  Speaker 4: Do you have one? Everything I ask, Nick has the
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: answer to.
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, bring up that ham food mix, daddy.
• 18:36
  Speaker 4: Do you own a hamster now?
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: I don't have any right now, man. The last thing
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: I had was two big G pigs, baby.
• 18:43
  Speaker 4: What is the difference between a guinea pig and a hamster?
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: The difference between a guinea pig and a hamster, most
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: of all, is size.
• 18:49
  Speaker 4: Between their legs?
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: No, I think overall.
• 18:52
  Speaker 4: Oh, that's the Russian versus the American.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's Russian versus American. It's definitely, it's a kind
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: of a, you got a hardier kind of a, what
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: is it called, the bottom of a car.
• 19:02
  Speaker 4: Chassis? Yeah. Yeah.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: You got a wider chassis on there.
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: Is that what they're referred to in the hamster world
• 19:07
  Speaker 4: or the G world? What's a gerbil?
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, gerbil or gerbil, some people call them.
• 19:13
  Speaker 4: Isn't gerbil a Nazi? Wasn't he one of the? I
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: don't know about that. Yeah, gerbil, General Gerbil was a Nazi.
• 19:19
  Speaker 4: You're asking, I think he was. He was, look him up.
• 19:25
  Speaker 4: Look up Gerbel, Lieutenant Gerbel, Nazi. Gerbel, Nazi. Gerbel, there
• 19:30
  Speaker 4: he is. Joseph Gerbel. Joseph Gerbel. He was a Nazi.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: Oh, damn, there he was.
• 19:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah, no, it's a famous, you don't, that's why I've
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: never been able to be comfortable around Gerbels.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: Oh, I can see that.
• 19:45
  Speaker 4: That's a little, furry, adorable Nazi, and I didn't want
• 19:47
  Speaker 4: him in my house.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: If they walk in like this, I'm sure it's a Nazi.
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: a little dicey.
• 19:51
  Speaker 10: Right.
• 19:51
  Speaker 4: And every time I opened the oven, they would get excited. Oh, yeah.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: When they start clapping.
• 19:56
  Speaker 4: Yeah. So I had to. Is that bad?
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: I don't know.
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: Is that cancel material? Look, that's factual. That is factual.
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: That's factual. And, you know, we must never forget. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
• 20:06
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 20:06
  Speaker 8: Okay.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: We must never forget F-U-R should be a pet shop.
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: I love that. Wow, Heil Hamster.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: It's for kosher pets.
• 20:17
  Speaker 4: I don't know that gerbil is the kosher pet. What
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: is he known for? I can't read it from here.
• 20:21
  Speaker 4: What is he known for?
• 20:23
  Speaker 6: He was a politician. He was one of Hitler's closest confidants.
• 20:27
  Speaker 4: He was a minister of propaganda.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, he was a secret keeper.
• 20:31
  Speaker 4: Yes, he was the minister of propaganda.
• 20:33
  Speaker 6: And he was chancellor for one day of Germany.
• 20:36
  Speaker 4: Chancellor for a day. That sounds like a bad game show.
• 20:40
  Speaker 4: Chancellor for a day. You will play and you will
• 20:44
  Speaker 4: like it. Wow.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: What is a game show? Honestly, Hollywood.
• 20:52
  Speaker 4: Hollywood?
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: Honestly, Hollywood. When you look back, what is a game
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: show or even a pilot that you did where you
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: were like, You know, I don't know if that one,
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: if we had it.
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: Fully baked, that one, you know? Oh, that's like every
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: two weeks. But I come up with something. But I've
• 21:08
  Speaker 4: done some really, really bad shitty shows.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: Have you?
• 21:12
  Speaker 4: Oh, horrible.
• 21:14
  Speaker 5: Horrible.
• 21:14
  Speaker 4: I'm always doing shitty shows. In fact, up until the
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: few hits that I've had recently, I think I was
• 21:21
  Speaker 4: more known for the shit than i was for the
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: good really yeah i did really bad movies in the
• 21:27
  Speaker 4: 80s that was my thing that was my niche that
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: was my you know yeah i didn't intend on them
• 21:33
  Speaker 4: being oh you're now you're gonna put it up my
• 21:34
  Speaker 4: whole look at any of these names of of okay
• 21:38
  Speaker 4: go go up first let's start earlier okay okay no
• 21:42
  Speaker 4: um where did i come from oh that's not good.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: Uh But you got Gremlins early. That's 1984, so people
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: love that.
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: Yeah, there's the Muppet Babies. Go earlier, earlier, earlier, earlier.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Saint Elsewhere, that was huge.
• 21:56
  Speaker 4: Okay, these are pilots that didn't work. I know, but
• 21:58
  Speaker 4: those are the good things. But a lot of these
• 22:00
  Speaker 4: things didn't work. I was on a Good Grief on Fox.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: And what was that?
• 22:07
  Speaker 4: People were having a tough time. I was the owner
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: of a, what's it called? A funeral home. I was
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: the owner of a funeral home, and it was 10 episodes.
• 22:16
  Speaker 4: There I am. Look at me. Had a good cast,
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: but that was the worst show.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: Was it?
• 22:22
  Speaker 4: I think it was, and it wasn't fun, and I
• 22:25
  Speaker 4: didn't have a good time, and it kind of stopped
• 22:28
  Speaker 4: my career for a long time.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: Good grief, huh?
• 22:31
  Speaker 4: Yeah, there you go.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: It really was.
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: No, I was at the end of my, you know,
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: what year was that? That was probably 1990, right?
• 22:37
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 22:39
  Speaker 6: Yeah, 1990.
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: 1990. And then that was the beginning of the drop
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: for me. My career just went into the fucking toilet.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: I remember you and Ritz telling me at a time
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: that you had thought about kind of hanging it up
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: for a while.
• 22:50
  Speaker 4: No, I was over. In 2005, I was done. You know,
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: I had been, I kind of, I was on St.
• 22:55
  Speaker 4: Elsewhere and I had done Young Comedian specials. And then
• 22:59
  Speaker 4: around 2004, I wasn't selling hard tickets anymore. I was
• 23:05
  Speaker 4: playing comedy clubs half full. And all over the country,
• 23:09
  Speaker 4: which is, you know, a grind. It's a grind if
• 23:11
  Speaker 4: they're full, but it's even more of a grind when
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: really nobody's showing up to see you. And I was
• 23:17
  Speaker 4: reading for parts. I was sitting in casting offices reading
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: for five lines and under. Did you feel.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: Embarrassed or dejected at all? Or no, not really? I mean,
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: were you able to manage, like, because that's what I would,
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: you know, Hollywood has so much of like a.
• 23:30
  Speaker 4: It started weighing really hard on me. You know, it's
• 23:32
  Speaker 4: really weird. Hollywood is just... fucks you up all, you know,
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: it's not a healthy place for the mind. It really
• 23:42
  Speaker 4: is not even. And, and as well, this is going
• 23:45
  Speaker 4: to sound like a, like I'm a near, you know,
• 23:47
  Speaker 4: like I don't give a shit.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: Not to our audience. It won't, it won't.
• 23:50
  Speaker 4: No, no. But even if you're doing well and probably,
• 23:53
  Speaker 4: you know, from the outside, the better people think you're doing,
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: the harder it becomes mentally because like, for example, I'll
• 24:01
  Speaker 4: give you my example, you know, like the, I did
• 24:03
  Speaker 4: a series, I was on a series for six years
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: with Denzel Washington. I was selling out, you know, at
• 24:09
  Speaker 4: the time, you know, I would do two shows at
• 24:11
  Speaker 4: the Woodlands in Houston and it would be like 10,000
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: people would show. And then 2005, you know, they'd say
• 24:19
  Speaker 4: we have, you know, 26 people are at Ha Ha's tonight,
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: you know. And then I would do my set and
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: then I'd come in and I'd be sitting in a
• 24:27
  Speaker 4: casting office. You know, six years ago I was on
• 24:30
  Speaker 4: a series, I was on network TV. Every break, I
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: was doing a movie for every major studio and all
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: the same offers that people like Tom Hanks and Robin
• 24:39
  Speaker 4: Williams were getting at the time. You were in that world.
• 24:43
  Speaker 4: At that time, when Tom Hanks was doing Bachelor Party
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: and stuff, I was doing Walk Like a Man and
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: Little Monsters and A Fine Mess. But 2005, I was
• 24:51
  Speaker 4: doing shit. And then I said, I'm going to quit.
• 24:57
  Speaker 4: And I got an offer to do a game show,
• 25:00
  Speaker 4: a deal or no deal, which I thought was the
• 25:02
  Speaker 4: worst fucking idea anybody could ever have. First of all,
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: if you think about that, you know, when it was
• 25:07
  Speaker 4: pitched to me, I don't know that people remember before 2005,
• 25:10
  Speaker 4: there weren't a lot, there weren't any comedians doing talk shows.
• 25:15
  Speaker 4: I mean, doing game shows. The game show was the joke.
• 25:18
  Speaker 4: You would act like a game show host on stage
• 25:21
  Speaker 4: if you were doing a parody of something goofy. Nobody
• 25:24
  Speaker 4: wanted to be the game show host. The last comedian
• 25:26
  Speaker 4: that did a game show host before that was Groucho Marx,
• 25:29
  Speaker 4: who did You Bet Your Life, which Jay Leno is
• 25:31
  Speaker 4: recreating now, and it's going to be in syndication. But
• 25:34
  Speaker 4: before that, no. So when I got asked, I thought,
• 25:38
  Speaker 4: that's the nail in the fucking coffin of my career.
• 25:40
  Speaker 4: And I said, okay. And then they showed me what
• 25:42
  Speaker 4: the show was, and it was just an hour of
• 25:44
  Speaker 4: opening up cases.
• 25:45
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 25:46
  Speaker 4: Just opening up fucking cases.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: Unboxing. It was the original unboxing, really.
• 25:49
  Speaker 4: That's what it was. It was the original unboxing. And
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: then that thing went through the roof and kind of
• 25:55
  Speaker 4: gave me a career back. But what I was saying
• 25:57
  Speaker 4: about the mental health is that the more I do,
• 26:02
  Speaker 4: I'm on AGT now, which is the number one show
• 26:05
  Speaker 4: of the summer, and I'm on a lot. I can't
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: tell you that a week doesn't go by where I
• 26:10
  Speaker 4: have an idea for something, and they say no, or
• 26:14
  Speaker 4: they're not putting it on, or they go, we like
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: that idea, but we'd like to use someone else. And
• 26:21
  Speaker 4: your mind just goes to weird places. And it's not
• 26:23
  Speaker 4: only about being accepted, but if you've got that kind
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: of weakness inside you, getting constantly... Yeah, some form of rejection,
• 26:32
  Speaker 4: or we don't want you, yeah, you're not the right thing.
• 26:34
  Speaker 4: Because I think it goes back to the things in
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: the beginning somewhere in our lives or in our souls
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: that we're like, that made us want to attract attention
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: to ourselves anyway. Well, you brought it up right at
• 26:45
  Speaker 4: the beginning. If you wanted to dance for your mom
• 26:47
  Speaker 4: so you could watch TV, you learned that being good
• 26:50
  Speaker 4: or funny or being the center of attention got you something.
• 26:53
  Speaker 4: Whether it got you notoriety or the opportunity to watch
• 26:57
  Speaker 4: TV or to do the things you like, you realized
• 27:00
  Speaker 4: that that became your self-worth. And when your self-worth is.
• 27:05
  Speaker 4: Externally in your mind, the things that you do and
• 27:09
  Speaker 4: who you think you are or who you think other
• 27:11
  Speaker 4: people think you are, then you're, you're at the mercy
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: of everybody outside of you instead of yourself. Does that
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: make sense?
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, man.
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: I mean, if you want to be happy people, you
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: just got to make yourself happy. You can't make anybody else.
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: Nobody can make you happy. Nothing externally, no amount of money,
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: nothing you could do. You got to make yourself happy.
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: And that's why I will stand alone in a dark
• 27:35
  Speaker 4: room just smiling. Yeah.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: I'll tell you this. Dinner time can be a real stress.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: You know, somebody's fist fighting. Somebody stole your silverware. You know,
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: somebody's smoking up in the back room, huffing out. But
• 27:50
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• 27:54
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• 28:01
  Speaker 4: Everybody is.
• 28:01
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• 28:14
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• 30:00
  Speaker 1: month at mintmobile.com slash Theo. Yeah, man. Sometimes it's weird, man. Yeah,
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I can tell. That's like, yeah, my whole life it's
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: like it all somehow depends on what other people think.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: And I think it's just from some programming probably, you know,
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: when I was a kid.
• 30:17
  Speaker 4: But that's all of us. You know, every piece of
• 30:19
  Speaker 4: media you do, every piece of, you know, wherever you,
• 30:23
  Speaker 4: you know, you want to be the funniest guy. You
• 30:25
  Speaker 4: want to be the most interesting person. If you're a
• 30:28
  Speaker 4: young person, you're reading magazines, you want to dress like that.
• 30:30
  Speaker 4: You want to look like that. You're looking at other
• 30:32
  Speaker 4: people's style. You figure I got to get myself fixed
• 30:35
  Speaker 4: up just to walk outside because when you walk into
• 30:37
  Speaker 4: a room, you're self-conscious about how people are seeing you
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: and what they think of you. And it really doesn't matter.
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: But those are just words because to me, it matters.
• 30:47
  Speaker 4: I'm on your podcast because it matters. Because I could
• 30:51
  Speaker 4: be at home, but I want to be here. I
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: want to be here. But I also... deep inside of
• 30:56
  Speaker 4: you and that's why you're here today you need acceptance
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: of people you don't even know and may never even
• 31:04
  Speaker 4: meet and that's a weird fucking thing like I'm talking
• 31:08
  Speaker 4: to you and who's ever taking this in I need
• 31:11
  Speaker 4: you to love me yeah I don't know who the
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: fuck you are and you don't I'll never see you
• 31:18
  Speaker 4: and you'll never see me in person but please please
• 31:21
  Speaker 4: fucking love me just so I can get through this
• 31:24
  Speaker 4: shit I know And it's been hard. This has been
• 31:27
  Speaker 4: a really tough, people joke around because they know me
• 31:29
  Speaker 4: as a germaphobe and they go, you called it. And
• 31:31
  Speaker 4: I say, you know, Howie in Latin means told you. But,
• 31:34
  Speaker 4: but the thing is that this has been a really
• 31:37
  Speaker 4: fucked up hard and continues to be time for us all,
• 31:42
  Speaker 4: you know? And for me, I just been struggling. I
• 31:44
  Speaker 4: am so fucking medicated right now.
• 31:46
  Speaker 8: Really?
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah. Right now. And I can't sleep without my gummies.
• 31:51
  Speaker 4: you know i take a lot of gummies to fall asleep.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: Those are now you are doing the thc are you
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: doing the melatonin.
• 31:58
  Speaker 4: Thc oh yeah yeah do you do that i.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Don't do it but no i know god i would
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: let you don't judge me oh i'd let you spit
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: in my mouth to get a hit of it you
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: know what i'm saying like i would definitely do it
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: if i needed a quick nap or something yeah yeah
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: so is it your first time getting into those has
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: that been a good experience.
• 32:13
  Speaker 4: Well i didn't you know when i was a kid
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: i was I smoked, I didn't, gummies are kind of
• 32:17
  Speaker 4: new to me. But they came, I started doing gummies
• 32:20
  Speaker 4: during the pandemic, just to sleep. And it's just, and then,
• 32:24
  Speaker 4: you know, I haven't been on the road like you.
• 32:27
  Speaker 4: And I've been afraid to be out in public in
• 32:30
  Speaker 4: front of people. I started working where you, at Supernova.
• 32:34
  Speaker 4: just because it was outside.
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and it's in a circle. You can kind of
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: stay safe from everybody.
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: Right, but it's outside. Oh, that's a good point. I
• 32:41
  Speaker 4: got uncomfortable with going into a club or a building
• 32:45
  Speaker 4: where everybody's just facing you and going, ha, ha, ha.
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: So to combat them, I was writing tragedy instead of
• 32:52
  Speaker 4: comedy so nobody would go, ha, ha, ha. I want
• 32:55
  Speaker 4: to do things that make people even just stop breathing
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: and looking in my direction.
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: So that's what I've been doing.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: One time a guy laughed so hard at one of
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: my shows, he came out of the closet, dude, which
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: was insane.
• 33:06
  Speaker 4: You laughed a guy to gayness?
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I laughed. He's like, ha, ha, ha, I'm gay.
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: And his friends were like, what? What's going on, Charles?
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: Have another beer, dude.
• 33:16
  Speaker 4: That's funny. That was pretty crazy. That's funny. That's funny.
• 33:20
  Speaker 4: People used to talk, when I started in the business,
• 33:22
  Speaker 4: they would go, I killed. You know, like you killed
• 33:25
  Speaker 4: the audience. They were dying laughing. But you just get
• 33:29
  Speaker 4: them to a level where they're just, Coming out of
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: the closet. Basically, yeah. What is the.
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: That's a new thing, I think. If you can get
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: somebody to just admit who they really are right there
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: on the spot, you know?
• 33:40
  Speaker 4: Wow, you're changing pronouns. We are, yeah. That's amazing. They
• 33:44
  Speaker 4: come in as them, and they leave as us.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah. I wonder if they... Wouldn't that be a good
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: game show? A pronoun game show, maybe.
• 33:52
  Speaker 5: Really?
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: Where somebody wins maybe a pronoun they've always wanted.
• 33:56
  Speaker 4: I don't know.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to marry somebody who has a sexual choice or...
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: or wants a certain pronoun, or wants to be recognized
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: or seen a certain way. I'm trying to marry that
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: with some type of a competition. I wonder if that
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: would be one day.
• 34:09
  Speaker 4: Wow, I love that. It's they against them. I know
• 34:14
  Speaker 4: my guy is saying, Rich is standing in the back.
• 34:16
  Speaker 4: He goes, don't get into this discussion.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: No, no, no.
• 34:20
  Speaker 4: I'm okay. Did I say anything that will get me canceled?
• 34:23
  Speaker 4: Not yet.
• 34:24
  Speaker 5: Not yet.
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: I don't think I'd be canceled. My heart is always
• 34:27
  Speaker 4: in the right place. I don't think I can say
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: anything to get me canceled. I really, I'm accepting of everyone.
• 34:33
  Speaker 4: I respect everyone. I really do.
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: That's true.
• 34:36
  Speaker 4: I really do.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: You've always been like that.
• 34:37
  Speaker 4: And there's nothing that's, I don't think anything's odd. I
• 34:41
  Speaker 4: think every person is so, is such an individual that
• 34:46
  Speaker 4: can't be replicated in whatever their desires are and their
• 34:49
  Speaker 4: needs are and their wants are and who they like
• 34:51
  Speaker 4: and what they look at is no different than anybody
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: who is been born maybe not as the world sees
• 35:01
  Speaker 4: them from the outside. Yeah. Does that make sense?
• 35:04
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 35:04
  Speaker 4: So I don't think I could say, I'm just trying
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: to not be confused now. And I don't want to,
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: and the fear is I don't want to offend somebody.
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 35:13
  Speaker 4: So I always, I'll just, whoever I walk up to,
• 35:16
  Speaker 4: I called my grandmother the other day and I go,
• 35:19
  Speaker 4: how are they? She said, who? And I went, them.
• 35:24
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 35:25
  Speaker 4: Who is this? I said it's us.
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: Who's on first, man? That's great, dude. That'd be so good.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: A new pronoun version of who's on first.
• 35:34
  Speaker 4: I love that. It's one show and then canceled. That's
• 35:39
  Speaker 4: what it is. It was a pilot program that we
• 35:42
  Speaker 4: came up with. But.
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: Who's on first? They are.
• 35:45
  Speaker 5: Who?
• 35:46
  Speaker 4: But I always have to watch myself. I don't want
• 35:47
  Speaker 4: to offend. You know, every day I'm talking to people
• 35:50
  Speaker 4: at America's Got Talent.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: I can't imagine that.
• 35:52
  Speaker 4: And it's... I'm so conscious of, you know, not wanting
• 35:56
  Speaker 4: to offend anybody.
• 35:57
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 35:58
  Speaker 4: Not wanting... And I do respect, but, you know, who
• 36:02
  Speaker 4: they are. So we took a course at NBC called a...
• 36:07
  Speaker 4: What did I take? Now I forget what the name
• 36:09
  Speaker 4: of the course is. It was called a sensitivity course.
• 36:12
  Speaker 10: Oh, yeah.
• 36:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah. They brought me in for a sensitivity course.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: With the electrocution thing or no?
• 36:16
  Speaker 4: I thought they were going to just tickle me in
• 36:17
  Speaker 4: places that I've never been tickled before. I'm taking a sensitivity. No.
• 36:21
  Speaker 4: And they talked about how it is perceived when you
• 36:26
  Speaker 4: say things that maybe are not even, it's not about intent.
• 36:29
  Speaker 4: It's about perception. Does that make sense? Yeah.
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: Perception is hard to gauge sometimes until you know, until
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: you get some sort of reaction. Most people usually, if
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: you say something and it's a one-on-one instance, Then you
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: can tell if somebody didn't perceive it good.
• 36:43
  Speaker 4: Then why, honestly, why do you hate the Jews?
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: I mean, I wouldn't.
• 36:48
  Speaker 4: That's just my perception.
• 36:50
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 36:50
  Speaker 4: That's not, I know that wasn't your intent.
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah. I mean, look, there's definitely a couple that
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: ruffle some feathers, but I would not say, I would
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: not leave that as an overall statement.
• 36:59
  Speaker 4: Okay.
• 36:59
  Speaker 8: Okay.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: All right.
• 37:00
  Speaker 4: And it's good that we cleared that up and everything
• 37:02
  Speaker 4: is moving smoother. Is that something that you're going to
• 37:05
  Speaker 4: cut out, Nick? When I say to him, he doesn't
• 37:08
  Speaker 4: hate Jews.
• 37:08
  Speaker 8: No.
• 37:10
  Speaker 4: No, it's not the juice.
• 37:11
  Speaker 10: No.
• 37:12
  Speaker 8: It's the.
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: No, let's just... Yeah, let's just leave it there. I mean, yes,
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: I definitely have had a landlord before that's a little dicey, okay?
• 37:20
  Speaker 4: I will be honest about that. Is landlord your name
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: for Jew?
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: Sorry, land them. Land them.
• 37:27
  Speaker 4: Whatever. Land them. Whatever they used to be. I did
• 37:31
  Speaker 4: have a.
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: I had a good Jewish joke one time that I
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: wanted to try, but sometimes I get.
• 37:34
  Speaker 4: I'll be the judge of that. Okay. Whether it's a
• 37:36
  Speaker 4: good Jewish joke.
• 37:37
  Speaker 8: Okay.
• 37:37
  Speaker 4: Get ready for a good.
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: jewish joke oh you'll love this guy oh man that
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: guy's that guy's so nice he'll sell you the shirt
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: off his back is that good.
• 37:47
  Speaker 4: Is that it that's a jewish joke yeah that's it
• 37:51
  Speaker 4: for he'll sell you that guy.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: Said he'll he'll give you the shirt off his back.
• 37:56
  Speaker 4: Oh i didn't even get it you know why because
• 38:00
  Speaker 4: it was too inside for me i said what's the
• 38:02
  Speaker 4: joke that's something i would do i didn't get it
• 38:04
  Speaker 4: because i'm jewish But all your non-Jewish listeners and viewers
• 38:09
  Speaker 4: will get it. And then the joke's on the Jew here.
• 38:12
  Speaker 4: So what's wrong with selling the shirt off my back?
• 38:15
  Speaker 4: That's what I do. That's not a joke. That's just
• 38:19
  Speaker 4: a part of my life. What's the joke? But now
• 38:21
  Speaker 4: I get the perception is that some people give it.
• 38:26
  Speaker 8: Right.
• 38:26
  Speaker 4: But why would you ever give somebody the shirt off
• 38:28
  Speaker 4: your back? I agree. When... You can sell it and
• 38:32
  Speaker 4: walk away with a couple of extra bucks. I love that.
• 38:35
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: Now it's a game show suddenly. You can walk away
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: with a couple of extra bucks, man.
• 38:40
  Speaker 4: I love that. I don't want the shirt off. Plus,
• 38:43
  Speaker 4: I bet you I could sell this shirt on your show.
• 38:46
  Speaker 4: People are watching.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: I will sell you.
• 38:49
  Speaker 4: Is that my camera right there?
• 38:51
  Speaker 6: That one.
• 38:52
  Speaker 4: That one's my camera. I will sell you the shirt
• 38:55
  Speaker 4: off my back. Now all they have to do is
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: buy it.
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think they write in.
• 39:02
  Speaker 4: I don't have merch.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: We still get a lot of mail. Really?
• 39:05
  Speaker 4: No, I'm just going to sell whatever I'm wearing. Then
• 39:08
  Speaker 4: with that money, I could buy a new shirt. Merch
• 39:10
  Speaker 4: is just whatever I'm wearing, whatever I have. You sell
• 39:14
  Speaker 4: a lot of merch, right?
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: We sell a decent amount. We don't get overboard. Some
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: places do a lot of merch.
• 39:20
  Speaker 4: No merch here.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: We do pretty well. What was a unique piece of
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: merch that you sold when you used to do a
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: lot of touring when you were coming up? Because I've
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: sold some really things that I could, yeah, I would
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: sell basically whatever I had. I remember buying another guy's
• 39:33
  Speaker 1: t-shirts one time. It didn't have anything to do with
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: jokes that I had. He was quitting. So I just
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: bought all his shirts.
• 39:39
  Speaker 4: What was the joke on it?
• 39:40
  Speaker 1: It was like about, it was pretty profane. It was
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: like about, it was something about Hot Pockets or something.
• 39:47
  Speaker 10: Right.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: And it had... And.
• 39:49
  Speaker 4: You sold at the Theo Vaughn concerts the Dave Smith's
• 39:53
  Speaker 4: Hot Pocket t-shirts.
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it didn't say Dave Smith, but it had the
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: Hot Pocket. It had something about Hot Pockets on it.
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: It was like a lot of euphemisms, a lot of
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: like seedy euphemisms you would hear probably in like.
• 40:03
  Speaker 4: A back alley. Right now, the only thing I'm selling
• 40:04
  Speaker 4: is my glasses.
• 40:05
  Speaker 10: Really?
• 40:05
  Speaker 4: I'm not selling them. This is at CI Wear. This
• 40:08
  Speaker 4: is part of a collaboration with Seth Rogen, the hilarity
• 40:12
  Speaker 4: for charity. If you buy my glasses, some of it
• 40:15
  Speaker 4: goes to to that, which is for Alzheimer's. So that's
• 40:19
  Speaker 4: the end of my merch. I also want to sell,
• 40:22
  Speaker 4: I should, oh, there you are. There's my partners, CI Wear. Oh, yeah.
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: I heard about them. I don't wear glasses yet, man,
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: but I would be willing to wear glasses.
• 40:31
  Speaker 4: You'd be willing to wear glasses?
• 40:32
  Speaker 5: Oh, yeah.
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: I feel like it would help you focus. Was there
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: anything you ever sold that was like, because a lot
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: of communities, when you're first coming up, you're trying to,
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: you know, guys will burn CDs in their hotel room
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: and then take them in a stack on the spindle.
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: to the shows.
• 40:45
  Speaker 4: You know what I did? I, one time when I
• 40:47
  Speaker 4: was on tour, I took t-shirts out and all I
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: had on the t-shirt was my wife, uh, wanted to
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: add an addition onto our house. There was another room
• 40:56
  Speaker 4: that she wanted to add like a playroom or whatever.
• 40:59
  Speaker 4: And she got the, you know, uh, she had somebody
• 41:02
  Speaker 4: drop the plans and give us an estimate. So I
• 41:05
  Speaker 4: took the plans and the estimate, and that's what I
• 41:08
  Speaker 4: printed on the t-shirt. And I sold those shirts until
• 41:10
  Speaker 4: I had enough money to build that room and pay
• 41:14
  Speaker 4: that contractor. And I did, and I still have that t-shirt.
• 41:17
  Speaker 4: I should send the picture of you so you can
• 41:18
  Speaker 4: post it on here. I have a picture of that
• 41:20
  Speaker 4: on the wall. And it's just the plans for the
• 41:22
  Speaker 4: room and the estimated costs and everything. And as soon
• 41:26
  Speaker 4: as I hit that button, it's our t-shirt room.
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: Oh, I love that.
• 41:29
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so I did that. I would, my wife, we
• 41:32
  Speaker 4: once set up, you know, there were all those stands
• 41:34
  Speaker 4: on Venice Beach. One time, this was before, when I
• 41:37
  Speaker 4: had a lot of time on my hands, I set
• 41:39
  Speaker 4: up a stand that were just pickles and socks. Oh, really?
• 41:42
  Speaker 4: Just to see people walk by. It's not even a
• 41:47
  Speaker 4: good prank. It's nothing. I just thought it was hysterical alone.
• 41:50
  Speaker 4: You know, I've always said if I could just make
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: one person laugh, I'm doing my job. It just seems
• 41:54
  Speaker 4: that most of the time that one person is just me,
• 41:56
  Speaker 4: but it's one. And I've done my job and hit
• 41:58
  Speaker 4: my goal. And I used to sit on Venice Beach
• 42:02
  Speaker 4: at a table because there'd be artists selling their art.
• 42:04
  Speaker 4: There'd be people selling snacks. There would be people selling readings,
• 42:08
  Speaker 4: tarot card readings. And things like that. And then I
• 42:10
  Speaker 4: would have like a jar of pickles and a little
• 42:13
  Speaker 4: stack of socks.
• 42:13
  Speaker 1: I like that.
• 42:14
  Speaker 4: And they'd go and people would walk over and they'd go,
• 42:17
  Speaker 4: what is this?
• 42:17
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 42:18
  Speaker 4: And I'd go, well, this is pickles and this is socks.
• 42:21
  Speaker 4: And you could buy them separately or together. Really, it's
• 42:23
  Speaker 4: up to you. I'm not going to push that on people.
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: They can make their own decisions. So that's the merch.
• 42:29
  Speaker 4: And I still have access to pickles and socks if
• 42:33
  Speaker 4: anybody is in the market.
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: I could go for some, I think. I didn't even
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: eat breakfast yet, but.
• 42:40
  Speaker 4: How many cans of Liquid Death have you finished?
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: Not enough to freaking... Not enough to do what they
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: say they'll do, dude. Which is take you to the grave, baby.
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 42:48
  Speaker 4: But that's not a sponsor?
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: It is a sponsor. Liquid Death?
• 42:51
  Speaker 8: Yep.
• 42:51
  Speaker 4: And they're good, man.
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: It's good, clean water. It's from... I want to say
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: maybe Aspen or Boise.
• 42:58
  Speaker 4: Aspen or Boise.
• 43:00
  Speaker 5: Wow.
• 43:01
  Speaker 4: They really don't care about the reed on your show
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: as far as... I do a podcast, so I'm just getting...
• 43:05
  Speaker 4: into it. I'm doing a podcast with my daughter. Oh, yeah.
• 43:08
  Speaker 4: You got to come on. I'll come on. You definitely
• 43:09
  Speaker 4: come on. Yeah. So we do, me and my daughter,
• 43:12
  Speaker 4: I was freaking out during the lockdowns and I didn't
• 43:17
  Speaker 4: know what to do. So I would spend hours on
• 43:18
  Speaker 4: the phone with my daughter just fucking around doing prank
• 43:21
  Speaker 4: calls to friends and celebrities and challenges and things like that.
• 43:25
  Speaker 4: And my wife once walked in and said, what are
• 43:27
  Speaker 4: you doing? And I told her, she goes, who's it for?
• 43:30
  Speaker 4: And I go, it's for us. And she said, record it.
• 43:33
  Speaker 4: So that became our podcast. So if you come on
• 43:34
  Speaker 4: my podcast, We'll do prank calls and fuck with people.
• 43:37
  Speaker 4: Do you like prank calls?
• 43:38
  Speaker 1: I know we did deal with it. Yeah, I like
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: prank shows. I was so nervous doing deal with it,
• 43:44
  Speaker 1: but I definitely got the hang of it. Oh, I
• 43:47
  Speaker 1: was at a show one time and some lady in
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: the crowd starts yelling. She's like, I threw the wedding ring.
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: I threw the wedding ring. And I don't know what
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: she's talking about. I'm thinking like, oh, we got to
• 44:01
  Speaker 1: get this lady out of here. She's like, I threw
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: the wedding ring. And I'm like, At first, I think
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: she's talking to some man she's with or something. Like,
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: I have no idea what's going on, dude. So they
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: start literally escorting this lady out the back. And right
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: by the door, she yells out, Howie Mandel. And then
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: it clicked in my head. I was like, oh, my gosh.
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: That's where we pranked the wife that her husband was cheating.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: She threw that wedding ring.
• 44:28
  Speaker 4: They had just got married. And for those that don't know,
• 44:32
  Speaker 4: you hosted the show on TBS called Deal With It.
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: And it was how we show.
• 44:36
  Speaker 4: And I was a producer on it. And the thing
• 44:39
  Speaker 4: about it was you would whisper things. You or a
• 44:43
  Speaker 4: celebrity guest also would whisper things in people's ear. And
• 44:47
  Speaker 4: they were challenged to do these for money levels. So
• 44:50
  Speaker 4: that guy came in. He was sitting there with his wife. Yeah.
• 44:54
  Speaker 4: And you or somebody else came up with the idea
• 44:57
  Speaker 4: of telling his wife that, I don't think it was cheating,
• 45:02
  Speaker 4: meeting somebody.
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, we're meeting somebody here and we sent in an accomplice.
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: It was like a female or something.
• 45:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: And that's when the lady lost it. And she's like,
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: I'm through with this.
• 45:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, we sent in the lady. I don't remember what
• 45:13
  Speaker 4: the joke was.
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: Because the guy had cheated before, I think. The guy
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: had infidelities. And now when this person showed up at
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: the table, I think immediately it went to that place.
• 45:23
  Speaker 4: So she takes off her wedding ring and threw her
• 45:26
  Speaker 4: ring away. And we're going, no, it's a joke. I
• 45:29
  Speaker 4: remember it when Marlon Wayans was there too. Yeah. It
• 45:31
  Speaker 4: was Marlon Wayans was doing the jokes with you. That
• 45:35
  Speaker 4: is funny. And she showed up at one of your
• 45:37
  Speaker 4: shows screaming. Yeah, I did. Did you let her back
• 45:39
  Speaker 4: in or you threw her out?
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: We let her stay in. But I just had no,
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: like it was just like the strangest little piece of
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: like thing to say. That I knew what was going on.
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: You know, I threw the wedding ring.
• 45:50
  Speaker 4: I love pranks. We did a prank.
• 45:52
  Speaker 6: Oh, that's not him.
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: Well, there we go.
• 45:57
  Speaker 4: We will not. We will not. Don't bring that up.
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: Now we're canceled, bro.
• 46:00
  Speaker 4: Nick is canceled. We didn't do it.
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: Unbelievable. Thank God he got us out of that.
• 46:06
  Speaker 4: We had been skirting the edge the whole time. And
• 46:10
  Speaker 4: Nick came through in the clutch. Oh, Marlon Wayans, man.
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: He looks different than I remember him, Nick.
• 46:17
  Speaker 2: Nick.
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: Unbelievable, huh?
• 46:20
  Speaker 4: But I was going to say on the podcast, we
• 46:22
  Speaker 4: did a prank call the other day and somebody was
• 46:26
  Speaker 4: getting really mad, really mad and rich. Like my neck goes, reveal, reveal, reveal.
• 46:31
  Speaker 4: Tell him it's a joke. Tell him it's you. So
• 46:33
  Speaker 4: I phone back and I go, hey, buddy. He goes, yeah,
• 46:36
  Speaker 4: can I help you? I phone him back like the
• 46:38
  Speaker 4: 10th time. He goes, I go, it's Howie Mandel. It's
• 46:42
  Speaker 4: Howie Mandel. And this is a joke. He goes, OK,
• 46:46
  Speaker 4: Howie Mandel. Can I help you? I go, no, I'm
• 46:48
  Speaker 4: just telling you that that was a prank. He goes,
• 46:52
  Speaker 4: so you don't need any plumbing equipment or anything? I go, no.
• 46:56
  Speaker 4: He goes, then go fuck yourself. That was my reveal.
• 46:59
  Speaker 4: It wasn't good for the ego, but it was such
• 47:02
  Speaker 4: a fail for me and my podcast. But I did
• 47:07
  Speaker 4: one the other day. We did one with Bobby Lee.
• 47:11
  Speaker 4: This was also a bad one. Rich was mad at
• 47:14
  Speaker 4: me for this. where we called a guy, I know
• 47:17
  Speaker 4: a guy that was dating a girl, finished dating the
• 47:19
  Speaker 4: girl and the girl was pregnant and he did not
• 47:23
  Speaker 4: know whether the baby was his or the next guy
• 47:26
  Speaker 4: she was dating. And we found out it was the
• 47:29
  Speaker 4: next guy she was dating, but I knew that he
• 47:31
  Speaker 4: didn't know yet. So we had Bobby Lee call as
• 47:36
  Speaker 4: a doctor from a clinic.
• 47:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a very shady clinic, I'm sure.
• 47:41
  Speaker 4: And with her father, I played her father. Telling him
• 47:44
  Speaker 4: that the baby, the DNA test came back. The baby
• 47:48
  Speaker 4: is his. And I, as the father of the mother,
• 47:54
  Speaker 4: I'm going to talk to him about his intentions and
• 47:56
  Speaker 4: put together some wedding arrangements. And he just, he just
• 48:00
  Speaker 4: started crying.
• 48:01
  Speaker 8: Oh.
• 48:03
  Speaker 4: And I hung up before the reveal. That's why you
• 48:05
  Speaker 4: were mad at me. I never.
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: So you guys just ruined somebody's day.
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: The guy was terrified, like crazy. And then he gets
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: to the peak of everything. And Howie goes, I'm sorry.
• 48:14
  Speaker 4: He hangs up.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: I go, well, call him back.
• 48:16
  Speaker 7: Let him know.
• 48:17
  Speaker 4: He goes, no, we're not calling him back. No, because
• 48:19
  Speaker 4: the last time I called back on that other prank,
• 48:21
  Speaker 4: it was that plumber. It was the plumber guy who goes,
• 48:24
  Speaker 4: I don't give a fuck you're Howie Mandel. I'm not
• 48:25
  Speaker 4: going through that again. We've just been talking about mental
• 48:27
  Speaker 4: health and our ego. I'm not going to lay it
• 48:30
  Speaker 4: on my ego again. It's not worth it. I think
• 48:32
  Speaker 4: you let God and that man figure it out. You know,
• 48:36
  Speaker 4: I really think you do, man. That was a right choice.
• 48:39
  Speaker 8: I know.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: That was the right choice. We have, um, how we
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: got some people sent in different talents.
• 48:45
  Speaker 4: All right.
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: If it's okay, we want to see a couple of
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: them in what you think. These are this past weekend
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: listeners that are fans of you. What do you look
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: for in the beginning when people are in? Is there
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: any energy thing that people can do when they're introducing
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: themselves to you guys?
• 48:58
  Speaker 4: Well, I think that, you know, ultimately you want to, no,
• 49:01
  Speaker 4: the answer is no, because one of my favorite things
• 49:05
  Speaker 4: that happened on the show, there was a young singer,
• 49:07
  Speaker 4: Courtney Hadwin, who, uh, you got to see this girl.
• 49:10
  Speaker 4: If it were, you pull her up, Courtney Hadwin audition.
• 49:14
  Speaker 4: And there's this girl, I'm going to show you this.
• 49:16
  Speaker 4: She was 13 at the time. And they said to
• 49:20
  Speaker 4: her she was coming up next and they said no
• 49:22
  Speaker 4: we're going to bring an act before her because she's
• 49:24
  Speaker 4: almost sick you know from nerves she's 13 years old
• 49:27
  Speaker 4: she's from the UK she's so shy then at that
• 49:30
  Speaker 4: time they said Mel B you could talk to her
• 49:32
  Speaker 4: the first one the audition watch this girl she can't
• 49:35
  Speaker 4: talk I like to be surprised watch this.
• 49:37
  Speaker 2: Hi my lovely Hi. Welcome to America's Got Talent.
• 49:43
  Speaker 10: How are you?
• 49:45
  Speaker 9: A little bit nervous.
• 49:46
  Speaker 4: She's a lot nervous. She got sick before the show.
• 49:48
  Speaker 2: Totally understandable. What's your name?
• 49:50
  Speaker 9: Courtney.
• 49:51
  Speaker 10: And how old are you?
• 49:55
  Speaker 5: 13. 13.
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: What's your favorite subject in school?
• 49:57
  Speaker 10: Music.
• 49:59
  Speaker 9: What kind of music?
• 50:01
  Speaker 4: I don't know. Your socks are going to be knocked off.
• 50:06
  Speaker 4: And all you have left is a pickle. Don't be nervous.
• 50:09
  Speaker 6: I know this is a big stage and there's lots
• 50:11
  Speaker 6: of people here.
• 50:12
  Speaker 9: But you're here for a reason. So go for it
• 50:15
  Speaker 9: and good luck.
• 50:17
  Speaker 4: Watch this. This is what I like. I like when
• 50:20
  Speaker 4: I see things I'm not expecting.
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: You've got to be so nervous.
• 50:30
  Speaker 4: I'm nervous for her. That's her dad.
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: Hopefully it's her dad.
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 50:35
  Speaker 4: Oh, my God.
• 50:41
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God. Uh-oh.
• 51:14
  Speaker 4: Dang.
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: Like Chris Robinson from the Black Crows.
• 51:21
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 51:22
  Speaker 4: It's amazing. Oh, yes. You haven't fallen. So that's a surprise.
• 51:29
  Speaker 4: So when you say, you know, what do you look
• 51:31
  Speaker 4: for when it starts, you know... I don't know. It
• 51:34
  Speaker 4: becomes part of the whole package as far as like,
• 51:38
  Speaker 4: just to see somebody who's that shy and just becomes
• 51:41
  Speaker 4: a totally different person when they do it. And I'm
• 51:44
  Speaker 4: sensing that that's going to happen right here with the
• 51:47
  Speaker 4: Theo Vaughn crowd. It's good.
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: It's certainly good.
• 51:49
  Speaker 4: Let's see. Let me hear Henry. He'll be both staffing.
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 51:58
  Speaker 4: You hope it brings a family honor. Yeah.
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: And they look rich.
• 52:01
  Speaker 4: You look at that.
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: Look at the legs on that.
• 52:03
  Speaker 4: Uh, Side table. You always know if your son's in the... Oh, wow.
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: Whoa.
• 52:11
  Speaker 4: Oh, my gosh.
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: Dude, I have a broken AC unit at home right now.
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: I'll get this dude in a heartbeat.
• 52:16
  Speaker 4: Where do you learn to do that? That's amazing.
• 52:18
  Speaker 1: Look at that.
• 52:19
  Speaker 4: I don't even know what that is, a bo staff.
• 52:22
  Speaker 4: It's like a giant, like, what do you call the twirlies?
• 52:26
  Speaker 6: Baton.
• 52:26
  Speaker 4: Baton.
• 52:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, basically.
• 52:29
  Speaker 4: Whoa.
• 52:29
  Speaker 5: Wow.
• 52:30
  Speaker 4: They got to be so honored.
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, I felt honored at the end, man.
• 52:33
  Speaker 4: I don't understand.
• 52:34
  Speaker 1: You keep this guy. What do you think, Kyle? When
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: this guy gets out there and does it, does he
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: need to add an element? What could Henry do here,
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: you think?
• 52:40
  Speaker 4: I think that was good, and I think I'd move
• 52:42
  Speaker 4: him on to the next round. He needs to, you know,
• 52:46
  Speaker 4: that was a good audition. But you hope that they
• 52:49
  Speaker 4: ramp up, like, the next time you see it. Maybe
• 52:51
  Speaker 4: he has two, I don't even know what that is,
• 52:54
  Speaker 4: two sticks.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: Bowstaffs.
• 52:55
  Speaker 4: Two bowstaffs.
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: He's fully staffed, yeah.
• 52:57
  Speaker 4: A bobo staff. You hope that he has more staffs.
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: Oh, I hope he has staff infection next time.
• 53:02
  Speaker 4: Oh, my God. Can you get a Bo staff infection?
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: I'm sure he can do. You saw it at the end.
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: It kind of hit his leg, I'm sure.
• 53:07
  Speaker 4: Oh, wow.
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: Can you imagine the guy that shows up next time
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: and he can't even move his neck or arms?
• 53:11
  Speaker 4: Because he was just trying. It's your fault. It's your podcast.
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: Just infected.
• 53:15
  Speaker 4: Wow. Is that the only piece of talent you have
• 53:18
  Speaker 4: on this show?
• 53:18
  Speaker 1: We have a couple more for you, man. Let's have
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: a couple more.
• 53:20
  Speaker 4: That was really... His family should be so honored.
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: Oh, I feel honored.
• 53:24
  Speaker 4: Does he think he's... That sounded like... Remember the beginning
• 53:29
  Speaker 4: of Kung Fu? Remember the show Kung Fu? You don't
• 53:32
  Speaker 4: know how to grab the pebble from my hand? It
• 53:35
  Speaker 4: doesn't matter. Let's move on. Here's another guy, a weightlifter
• 53:38
  Speaker 4: on a skateboard.
• 53:38
  Speaker 6: Donatello from Ninja Turtles had a bo staff. He had
• 53:41
  Speaker 6: a stick. The purple one.
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he had the purple bandana.
• 53:45
  Speaker 4: Why did they wear those masks and bandana? Ninja Turtle
• 53:49
  Speaker 4: without the mask on, would you not know? Is it
• 53:51
  Speaker 4: like Superman when he takes the glasses off and you
• 53:53
  Speaker 4: don't know it's Clark Kent? If a Ninja Turtle took its...
• 53:57
  Speaker 4: bandana mask off would you go wait a minute did
• 53:59
  Speaker 4: you see a ninja turtle there was just a ninja
• 54:01
  Speaker 4: turtle here a minute ago you're just a turtle without
• 54:04
  Speaker 4: a mask and a bow staff who are.
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: You yeah i never thought about that they didn't really
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: it didn't really help their hiding i don't think no
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: they didn't need like a lot of except amongst other
• 54:14
  Speaker 1: turtles i think other turtles might have been like oh
• 54:16
  Speaker 1: who is that.
• 54:17
  Speaker 4: You're right it's easier for us to identify Turtles and
• 54:21
  Speaker 4: specific turtles than turtles to identify themselves. Probably. Because they
• 54:25
  Speaker 4: spend a lot of time alone in their own shells.
• 54:27
  Speaker 4: They're not cognizant of minuscule differences in the turtle. I
• 54:33
  Speaker 4: feel like I look like a turtle. Honestly.
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I can see you shell-less, kind of out of
• 54:39
  Speaker 1: the shell.
• 54:39
  Speaker 4: I'm out of a shell like I'm an old.
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: Like a soft shell turtle.
• 54:42
  Speaker 4: I'm a soft shell turtle. I love that.
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because I love soft-shell crabs.
• 54:46
  Speaker 4: I love that Nick keeps his mic on so he
• 54:48
  Speaker 4: can hear his little giggles. There's tittering. Yeah. He keeps
• 54:55
  Speaker 4: you going. I love that.
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: It's like the lightest tickling.
• 54:57
  Speaker 4: It started with breathing and ends with like a titter.
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: The zebra compares car and home insurance quotes right there,
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: all in one locale. That beautiful little striped African creature. Hmm.
• 55:14
  Speaker 1: And it's all for free. The Zebra saves shoppers an
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: average of $ 922 on home and car insurance combined. Yep,
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: get all the facts in one place. Get things crystal clear.
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: Start comparing quotes for free today by visiting TheZebra.com slash T-H-E-O.
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: That's TheZebra.com slash T-H-E-O. Support the podcast. Save yourself some coin. TheZebra.com
• 55:43
  Speaker 1: slash Theo.
• 55:44
  Speaker 4: Okay, show me this guy's talent. Okay, here's what's... Oh.
• 55:52
  Speaker 5: No.
• 55:53
  Speaker 3: No.
• 55:54
  Speaker 4: No, don't do this. Okay, I don't know if it's
• 55:57
  Speaker 4: a talent or just... It's not smart to do.
• 56:00
  Speaker 9: Is that it?
• 56:02
  Speaker 4: That's it.
• 56:02
  Speaker 6: 405 pounds.
• 56:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what is a talent and what's not smart to do?
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: I think that that's not a talent. I think that's
• 56:10
  Speaker 1: just like... I would imagine... Listen.
• 56:12
  Speaker 4: It's amazing that he can lift 405 pounds. The lifting
• 56:15
  Speaker 4: is the thing. It is amazing that he can skateboard.
• 56:18
  Speaker 4: I can't skateboard.
• 56:19
  Speaker 10: Same.
• 56:20
  Speaker 4: But combining the two, he's not skateboarding. He's standing on
• 56:23
  Speaker 4: a skateboard to lift the weight. So standing on the
• 56:27
  Speaker 4: skateboard is not hard. Lifting the weight, it's just stupid.
• 56:31
  Speaker 4: That's a bad decision. Sometimes there is a thin line
• 56:35
  Speaker 4: between a bad decision and talent, right?
• 56:38
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 56:38
  Speaker 4: That was a bad decision. That wasn't talent.
• 56:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 56:41
  Speaker 4: There you go. This looks like talent right now.
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: This could be talent.
• 56:45
  Speaker 4: This guy, I already, see, this is where my talent
• 56:49
  Speaker 4: radar as a judge goes on, even before hearing him,
• 56:52
  Speaker 4: seeing him. He's a patriot.
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: I actually love this.
• 57:32
  Speaker 4: Nice song it is a nice he's kind of like
• 57:34
  Speaker 4: a country springsteen yeah isn't he but he's got this
• 57:39
  Speaker 4: cherub face and it looks like he's just he's never
• 57:44
  Speaker 4: smoked before but right before he made this tape he
• 57:46
  Speaker 4: finished a pack of camels just so that he can
• 57:49
  Speaker 4: get that phlegm yeah i like this i think i
• 57:52
  Speaker 4: do like this i don't like the angle he shot
• 57:54
  Speaker 4: it from let's get a close-up of my nuts yeah
• 57:58
  Speaker 4: It's like he's playing backup to his own nuts. Isn't it?
• 58:02
  Speaker 4: Why wouldn't he put the camera on a table?
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: It reminded me of being at a forest fire or something.
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: It reminded me of having hot dogs with friends. Being
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: at a forest fire?
• 58:14
  Speaker 4: Do you mean a campfire?
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, a campfire, sorry.
• 58:16
  Speaker 4: Don't mix those two things up.
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: Okay, sorry, man.
• 58:19
  Speaker 4: I didn't know that. Maybe where you come from. Let's
• 58:21
  Speaker 4: go to a forest fire. I love sitting around a
• 58:23
  Speaker 4: forest fire with my friends. I love sitting around a
• 58:27
  Speaker 4: three-alarm fire with two friends and some marshmallows.
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: A small forest fire.
• 58:32
  Speaker 4: Oh, and it's so cute when they're watching people drop
• 58:34
  Speaker 4: from their balconies into the... What is the thing they
• 58:37
  Speaker 4: drop into? What do you catch them with? No, the
• 58:42
  Speaker 4: fire department, I've never seen those.
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: When they run like this?
• 58:44
  Speaker 4: Yeah, they run with that big trampoline.
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know if they still do that, you think?
• 58:48
  Speaker 4: I didn't know they ever did it. I saw it
• 58:50
  Speaker 4: in a couple of movies. I saw it in a
• 58:51
  Speaker 4: lot of cartoons. I have never, and I'm an ambulance chaser,
• 58:54
  Speaker 4: not a fire truck chaser.
• 58:55
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 58:56
  Speaker 4: And I've never seen that at a fire where they
• 58:58
  Speaker 4: took out that giant, you know, condom or whatever that is,
• 59:01
  Speaker 4: that IUD, and said, jump! Which I want to do
• 59:05
  Speaker 4: one day. Wouldn't you love to jump off a few
• 59:06
  Speaker 4: stories into a giant trampoline?
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: It's one shot, one kill. there it is right there
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: that life net.
• 59:12
  Speaker 4: And they don't use it anymore is that what they're
• 59:13
  Speaker 4: saying it's called the life net.
• 59:15
  Speaker 1: Let's get some intel on this nick can you take
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: us into.
• 59:17
  Speaker 6: That yeah they became obsolete in the 80s.
• 59:20
  Speaker 1: In the 80s there was a reason why is there.
• 59:22
  Speaker 6: Uh owing to their former prevalence life nets often feature in.
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: It says they had varying... Limitations.
• 59:34
  Speaker 4: Go up there. Okay. Limitations. Firefighters... I can't see it anymore.
• 59:40
  Speaker 4: So firefighters believed that the practice height limit for successful
• 59:45
  Speaker 4: use of the nets was about six stories. Although in
• 59:48
  Speaker 4: the 1930 Chicago fire, people survived jumps from eight stories
• 59:52
  Speaker 4: into a life net.
• 59:53
  Speaker 5: Wow.
• 59:54
  Speaker 4: One suffered a skull fracture and the other two had
• 59:56
  Speaker 4: minor injuries. But they were out of a fucking burning building.
• 59:59
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 59:59
  Speaker 5: So.
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 4: If from four to six stories, this could save lives,
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 4: why do we say because we don't care about people
• 1:00:06
  Speaker 4: from the fourth floor?
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: We can go to failures and problems right here as well.
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 1: If you can zoom a little bit on that, Nick,
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: so we can see it as well. All right. Life
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: nets often failed to save people, and some of those
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: firefighters themselves were injured or killed by falling bodies, and
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: that is... That is what I'm talking about.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 4: Well, they're saying that they phased it out because the
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 4: term Eugene, Oregon Express Reservation saying that the term life
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 4: net was misleading. And it should only be used as
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 4: a last resort. Well, it is the last resort. If
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 4: you're in a resort and the resort is on fire,
• 1:00:38
  Speaker 4: the next place you want to be lying and luxuriating
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 4: is in a fucking life net if the resort is
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 4: on fire.
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: If you're in a burning building. anything that is not
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: burning is a resort.
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 4: It really is.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: It really is.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 4: It's just a getaway. It's just a quick little getaway.
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 4: It's a life net. Where are you going this Christmas?
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 4: I'm going to be lying in my life net.
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of, I say we bring them back, man. Howie,
• 1:01:00
  Speaker 1: what if we put your face on it too? So
• 1:01:02
  Speaker 1: people are like, jump onto my face. Jump onto my face.
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 4: Right here. Right here. Saving lives every day. This guy
• 1:01:11
  Speaker 4: looks like he's got something for us. I don't know
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 4: what the talent is. He hasn't gotten out of his
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 4: truck yet.
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:01:16
  Speaker 4: He's in his truck. It could be.
• 1:01:19
  Speaker 8: What's going on, Theo and Howie? My name is Isaac Spots.
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 8: I'm 21 years old. I live in Jackson, Wyoming, and
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 8: this is my official audition for this past weekend's Fans
• 1:01:30
  Speaker 8: Got Talent, baby. I got a little trick up my sleeve,
• 1:01:33
  Speaker 8: a little magic that I think you guys might enjoy.
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: He doesn't have sleeves.
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 9: Be prepared to be amazed. Are you ready for this?
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 2: As you can see, there's nothing in my hands, fellas.
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 2: Literally nothing.
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 9: I have nothing up my sleeves. It'd be hard to
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 9: Put something in these sleeves anyways. Check this out.
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 4: Okay. What is he doing?
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 1: He's going to take his penis off, I bet.
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 9: Explain that one, fellas.
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 2: You feel me?
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 4: Wow.
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 9: Anyways, that's all I got for y'all.
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 2: Gang, gang.
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 9: Take care, fellas.
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 4: Gang, gang.
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: What's up, player?
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 4: So that was... Explain that one.
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 1: Ozzy Spots. I don't know either. He had been smoking
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 1: the night before.
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 4: I think I can do it. Really?
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 10: Yeah.
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 4: Nothing up my sleeves. No, I think I can. I
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 4: really can.
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 4: Watch this. Did you see any? Did you see any?
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 5: I didn't.
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 4: I saw. I swear. I can do it. I'll do
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 4: it again. I'll try to do it again.
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: There might have been like a.
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 4: Little something. No, no, no. It's kind of, it's a
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 4: known thing. You think he had something in his hand?
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 4: He put a, he inhaled something? No. No, I can
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 4: do it. I'm telling you. It's your lighting. Let me
• 1:02:49
  Speaker 4: try one more time. All right. Oh, dang.
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 1: Get in there. Get deep. Get there, baby. Get there, baby.
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 6: That time I saw it. That was huge.
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 9: Yeah.
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 2: Oh, you're winking.
• 1:03:09
  Speaker 6: Because we're going to add it in post.
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 4: It's just a really bad fucking animated piece of smoke.
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 6: We got a new editor.
• 1:03:21
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's true, man.
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 4: Do something with this shit.
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 1: It's supposed to be awesome, man.
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 4: You know what? Sometimes when you have magicians on the show,
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 4: you go, you know what? It looks amazing, but it's
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 4: all smoke and mirrors. And when you brought a magician
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 4: on your show... All it is is a little bit
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 4: of smoke.
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 6: He didn't even bring a beer.
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 4: There's no trick. It's just the smoke. And it turns around, takes.
• 1:03:46
  Speaker 1: A hit off a cigarette, and then blows it out.
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 4: The first kid said, I want this to bring honor
• 1:03:54
  Speaker 4: to my family. The next guy legitimately sang a song
• 1:03:57
  Speaker 4: from a bad angle. And this guy had the most,
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 4: I thought, wait till you see this. It's great being here.
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 4: I got something for you. Let's go. And it was nothing.
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 1: My dad died in the mines.
• 1:04:08
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 1:04:09
  Speaker 4: It was nothing. It was nothing. It was nothing. It
• 1:04:11
  Speaker 4: was nothing. But Simon might have loved it. Yeah.
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: Right on.
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 4: Yeah. That's where we go after this.
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 1: Is Heidi still there? Yeah.
• 1:04:19
  Speaker 4: God, bro.
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: Dude, I thought I had a chance with her one time, man.
• 1:04:23
  Speaker 4: Yeah, she did the show.
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 1: I really did.
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 4: I think she thought you were adorable. I don't know
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 4: that you have a chance with her. How old are you, Theo?
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 5: Me?
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: I'm 41. No, you ain't got no chance.
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 8: Really?
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 1: She likes younger guys?
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 4: Her husband is 30.
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 5: Oh.
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 4: She likes... But at the time.
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 1: She loves her children. At the time, I was 34.
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: Or 33 that we did the show.
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 5: 34.
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 4: Yeah, but then she was going out with... The guy
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 4: she was going out with right when she was in
• 1:04:47
  Speaker 4: the show, I think was.
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: He owned like Saturn or something.
• 1:04:50
  Speaker 4: No, he was eight, eight and a half.
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: So she... Oh, yeah, I got six and a half.
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: I got six if I'm lucky, you know?
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 4: No, she's a good friend. It's amazing. Do you follow
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 4: her on Instagram?
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, man.
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 4: She's very rarely dressed. Oh, dude.
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: I remember one time we were sitting in the makeup
• 1:05:11
  Speaker 1: chair or something, and she had come right here I
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: didn't know, and she had on some type of.
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know what it was, man, but it was something.
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 4: It was probably like that last guy's shirt.
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 1: And you guys, like somebody, she threw her voice or something,
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 1: and I turned, oh, yeah. It was like that last
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: guy's shirt, dude.
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:05:31
  Speaker 1: But the middle, she had the sleeves, but not the
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 1: kind of middle part.
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 5: Right.
• 1:05:34
  Speaker 1: It was like an inverse wife beater.
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 10: Yes.
• 1:05:38
  Speaker 1: And I remember turning and her chest was right there, bro. Right.
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, all the clumes, baby. You know what I'm saying?
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 4: You were right into the, the clumes weren't hiding. Oh yeah.
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 1: They were not, they were not hiding. The clumes were
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 1: not hiding, bro. And I remember just praying that night
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 1: that I would have a chance with her and then
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: nothing ever happened.
• 1:05:55
  Speaker 4: Well, you got it. You should have said, do I
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 4: have a chance with you? Yeah, I should have. You
• 1:05:58
  Speaker 4: didn't say anything. You thought it would just unfold.
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah.
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 4: Word free. Just boom. You'd be there.
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 1: Enough of that seance and just Ouija boarding, you know? Yeah,
• 1:06:06
  Speaker 1: I'm a lucky guy.
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 4: You get to work. Sofia Vergara is stunning in person.
• 1:06:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 1:06:11
  Speaker 4: As pretty as she is on television, it's crazy. And
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 4: that's my job. That's where I'm going from here.
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 5: Really?
• 1:06:16
  Speaker 4: I'm going over to AGT right now.
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: We got some talent you might want to take with you.
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: Does she have a website?
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 4: Is she on Instagram, this girl?
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 6: Her name's Brenda O'Connor. She didn't include any of that info.
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 4: Okay, let's see. Let's see what Brenda does.
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 6: She goes for three and a half minutes, so just
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 6: let me know when.
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 4: She goes for three and a half minutes. Is these
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 4: the things you go through before you go on a date?
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 4: She goes for three and a half minutes. So do
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 4: you have time to take her in a movie, take
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 4: her out for coffee, and then you've got three and
• 1:06:43
  Speaker 4: a half minutes.
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 1: She sounds right up my alley, honestly.
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 4: It's a three-minute introduction.
• 1:06:55
  Speaker 5: Call place question. How, what, when, and why But I'm
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 5: getting colder Always on the better side of time I
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 5: like her. Sounds good.
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 4: This is legitimate.
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 5: Great.
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 2: I feel my.
• 1:07:14
  Speaker 5: Nose grow twice the size When I say I don't
• 1:07:19
  Speaker 5: mind Wouldn't hide beyond the bark of which tree Is.
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 4: This an original? Is this her song or is it?
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 2: Wow, that's good.
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 5: That's good, Nick. That's good, Nick.
• 1:07:51
  Speaker 4: She's really good. Here's what I would suggest for her. Well,
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 4: she did put it on tape, but it's funny that
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 4: she put this talent on tape and sent it to
• 1:07:58
  Speaker 4: this podcast instead of to AGT. So I think she's
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 4: got talent. She just is misdirected. I think that she
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 4: needs to make that tape and send it to AGT.com.
• 1:08:09
  Speaker 4: And I'm telling you, that was really, really good. Was
• 1:08:12
  Speaker 4: it her own song or you don't know?
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 6: I'm trying to see if we can find her.
• 1:08:15
  Speaker 5: I don't know.
• 1:08:16
  Speaker 4: But regardless, she's got a really good voice. She's... Just
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 4: a very pleasant entertainer who I think would do well
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 4: on AGT.
• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, she sounds really good.
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 4: This is another piece of talent?
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 6: Yeah, this guy is doing some stand-up, but outside.
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 4: Stand-up on the road. Look where he chose to do it.
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 6: Literally.
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 4: Who's that behind him? Is that Mick Jagger?
• 1:08:36
  Speaker 1: Is that your friend Lou?
• 1:08:37
  Speaker 4: It looks like Lou or Mick Jagger on a fence
• 1:08:39
  Speaker 4: or a wall behind him. How about Charlie Watts?
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 1: I know, huh?
• 1:08:43
  Speaker 4: So sad. I love the Stones. That's my favorite group
• 1:08:46
  Speaker 4: of all time. I've seen them about five times. Who
• 1:08:49
  Speaker 4: do you like in music?
• 1:08:50
  Speaker 1: I like Rolling Stones. I like Black Crows. I saw
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: them a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, I mean, it's
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: just heartbreaking, man. I like Grateful Dead. I like John Mayer.
• 1:08:59
  Speaker 4: John Mayer's funny.
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: John Mayer is funny. He is funny. And, yeah, he's
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 1: just a conduit of talent, man.
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 4: Well, he's touring now with Grateful Dead.
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:09:06
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 1: He's remarkable.
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 4: All right, let's see stand-up.
• 1:09:10
  Speaker 9: What up, people? This is Bonjo. I'm from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.
• 1:09:13
  Speaker 4: Oh, my people.
• 1:09:14
  Speaker 9: I live in Croatia. This is a little stand-up routine for.
• 1:09:18
  Speaker 10: Fans got talent on Theo Vaughn's This Past Weekend podcast.
• 1:09:22
  Speaker 4: Here we go.
• 1:09:24
  Speaker 1: Got something on his hand.
• 1:09:25
  Speaker 4: Here we go.
• 1:09:26
  Speaker 9: Well, back in the day, I got my first kitten, right?
• 1:09:28
  Speaker 10: Hold on.
• 1:09:29
  Speaker 9: Yeah, I'm a fucking cat guy. No big deal, right?
• 1:09:31
  Speaker 9: But let me take it back.
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 10: So there used to be these crackheads that used to
• 1:09:36
  Speaker 10: always have these kittens.
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 9: I don't know why they had kittens.
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 4: Okay, well, I like this. This is kind of neat.
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 1: Is that chopping screws?
• 1:09:47
  Speaker 4: No, when... So it's crackheads that have kittens and then he...
• 1:09:50
  Speaker 4: Did he slow it down because he's easing? Is that
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 4: a technical problem?
• 1:09:55
  Speaker 6: Oh, okay. Something happened where it extended it.
• 1:09:58
  Speaker 5: Gotcha.
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 9: So here I go.
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 1:10:00
  Speaker 9: Well, back in the day.
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 6: That wasn't... No, that was not intentional. I don't know
• 1:10:04
  Speaker 6: how that happened. I slowed it down to 10 minutes.
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 6: It was a three-minute video.
• 1:10:07
  Speaker 8: Okay.
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 9: Yeah, I'm a fucking crackhead.
• 1:10:09
  Speaker 4: But when it's good, you want it to last. Yeah.
• 1:10:12
  Speaker 4: And people are going, fuck, this is amazing. Crackheads with cats.
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: And that's a talent, man.
• 1:10:20
  Speaker 4: And I love, what I love about this comic already is,
• 1:10:23
  Speaker 4: and I think that that's a funny thing to do.
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 1: Outside right here.
• 1:10:25
  Speaker 4: Well, first of all, outside in front of nobody, but
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 4: the over explanation of a setup.
• 1:10:30
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 1:10:31
  Speaker 4: So like, can you imagine going to the club next
• 1:10:33
  Speaker 4: time or your next Netflix special? All right, here's what
• 1:10:36
  Speaker 4: I got for you. I got for everybody here at Netflix,
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 4: I got a comedy routine. I'm going to be coming
• 1:10:43
  Speaker 4: out here in just a minute. I'm going to be
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 4: doing some jokes and routines and just chatting. I might
• 1:10:48
  Speaker 4: do some interaction with you, with the audience. I think
• 1:10:51
  Speaker 4: I might be doing things that you're going to find
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 4: mildly amusing. There might be things that you find hilarious.
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 4: I'm going to probably close, which will be an hour
• 1:11:00
  Speaker 4: from now, with my best piece. That's my drop the
• 1:11:03
  Speaker 4: mic moment. I will give you a signal so you
• 1:11:06
  Speaker 4: will know the drop the mic moment, the signal that
• 1:11:08
  Speaker 4: I've come up with Is the mic dropping? You will know.
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 4: You will see that.
• 1:11:14
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Maniscalco. If that wasn't the best
• 1:11:20
  Speaker 1: Sebastian impersonation.
• 1:11:23
  Speaker 4: All right, let's hear the cats in the crack. The
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 4: cats in the crack.
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 10: Well, back in the day, I got my first kitten, right?
• 1:11:29
  Speaker 7: Hold on.
• 1:11:30
  Speaker 9: Yeah, I'm a fucking cat guy.
• 1:11:31
  Speaker 10: No big deal, right? But let me take it back.
• 1:11:33
  Speaker 10: So there used to be these crackheads. That used to
• 1:11:37
  Speaker 10: always have these kittens. I don't know why they had kittens.
• 1:11:39
  Speaker 10: They always had like 15 kittens at a time.
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 4: What did he take back?
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 9: So I used to go to these guys. And they
• 1:11:43
  Speaker 9: used to be my cat dealer.
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 10: Because I had a stepdaughter that wanted cats. But we
• 1:11:47
  Speaker 10: already had two of them.
• 1:11:48
  Speaker 7: Hang on.
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 4: Stop for a second. I had my first kid. Then
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 4: he had a stepdaughter. This is the most confusing.
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 1: It's like Downton Abbey, but in Memphis, I feel like.
• 1:11:59
  Speaker 1: This is getting.
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 4: Pretty crazy, bro. And I love that he's got so
• 1:12:03
  Speaker 4: many gestures. He's leaning on the wall. I don't understand
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 4: what the fuck. I don't either.
• 1:12:07
  Speaker 6: I had to play him. This is Bunjo. He's a
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 6: longtime supporter of This Past Weekend. He's been watching since
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 6: the beginning.
• 1:12:14
  Speaker 4: Then we love Bunjo. Bunjo, thank you so much for
• 1:12:17
  Speaker 4: telling us this.
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 9: Nice little soft kitten. Nice little furry piece of life
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 9: in your hand.
• 1:12:22
  Speaker 4: Amen, baby.
• 1:12:23
  Speaker 10: So she wants kittens, but we don't want to buy
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 10: them for real. So we used to go to these
• 1:12:28
  Speaker 10: crackheads and rent kittens $ 10 a day for the kittens.
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 10: So we used to rent three, so that's $ 30 a day. Now,
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 10: this one time, they came over, and they're like, hey, ding, ding, ding,
• 1:12:41
  Speaker 10: knock on the door.
• 1:12:42
  Speaker 4: Ding, ding, ding, knock. Ding is not knock.
• 1:12:44
  Speaker 1: It's an aluminum door. Wait, wait, but ding, ding, ding
• 1:12:47
  Speaker 1: is the bell. Well, look, look. The door was made
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: out of bells. Come on, Allie.
• 1:12:51
  Speaker 4: Ding, ding, ding. He did even the knocking gesture. Ding, ding, ding.
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 4: This guy's great. I love Bon Jo. I'm going to
• 1:13:02
  Speaker 4: give him the same advice because he's got to come
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 4: on AGT. Just the way he tells jokes. Here's what
• 1:13:08
  Speaker 4: I'm going to need. I don't want to come into
• 1:13:10
  Speaker 4: the theater. I want to be outside. You got a
• 1:13:12
  Speaker 4: wall I can lean on sometimes, and I'm going to
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 4: tell stories.
• 1:13:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I need a small river in the background or
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 1: a sewage canal.
• 1:13:17
  Speaker 4: Just a furry bundle of life. Yeah, life.
• 1:13:20
  Speaker 6: Should we keep going to a punchline?
• 1:13:22
  Speaker 4: Oh, we didn't get one? Okay, keep going, keep going.
• 1:13:24
  Speaker 9: A black kitten? So we're like, all right.
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 10: So there's a black kitten and a black dog.
• 1:13:28
  Speaker 9: I'm like, all right, sure. I'm like, why? What's going on?
• 1:13:32
  Speaker 9: They're like, uh.
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 10: somebody just died because they overdosed on drugs in my apartment.
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 9: So the cops are there. So I got to put
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 9: these guys somewhere safe. So I'm like, all right, that's
• 1:13:42
  Speaker 9: no big deal.
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 10: So the guy ends up going to jail for killing
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 10: his fucking, his girlfriend, right?
• 1:13:49
  Speaker 4: A little furry bundle of life.
• 1:13:52
  Speaker 1: And that's it.
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 4: That's a punchline. Is that it? That's not the punchline.
• 1:13:57
  Speaker 6: I mean, the story is, it keeps going.
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 4: No, but let's keep it. The thing is, what's great
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 4: about it is it's, What he's using is he's using
• 1:14:04
  Speaker 4: real life to make humor. And sometimes the darkest... I
• 1:14:09
  Speaker 4: like he goes, because the guy, there was a murder
• 1:14:11
  Speaker 4: at another apartment. No big deal. I like that he
• 1:14:14
  Speaker 4: says no big deal, because he doesn't want to make
• 1:14:15
  Speaker 4: it heavy. He killed his fucking girlfriend, but back to
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 4: the kittens.
• 1:14:21
  Speaker 10: We have this dog, which I named Blackie Chan, because
• 1:14:23
  Speaker 10: it's a black Labrador. We ended up giving it to
• 1:14:26
  Speaker 10: my brother's neighbor, which he dubbed himself the whore master
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 10: because he used to go to Cuba and pick up
• 1:14:31
  Speaker 10: all these young girls and everybody.
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 4: Stop it right now. So we've gone from murder to
• 1:14:35
  Speaker 4: sex trafficking to. Is this Gamora?
• 1:14:38
  Speaker 1: This sounds like that show Gamora.
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 4: No, you're not getting the jokes. This is an amazing.
• 1:14:43
  Speaker 4: You know what? This reminds me of something. Who did
• 1:14:47
  Speaker 4: a similar joke?
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 10: It was.
• 1:14:49
  Speaker 4: Who's that girl with the.
• 1:14:52
  Speaker 1: I don't know what you're talking about, where everybody, somebody,
• 1:14:55
  Speaker 1: they told the worst joke and everybody kept telling it?
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 4: Not the one I was talking about.
• 1:14:59
  Speaker 6: Aristocrats?
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 4: All the aristocrats. I was in that.
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 1: You were? Yeah.
• 1:15:03
  Speaker 4: Did you hate it?
• 1:15:05
  Speaker 5: All right.
• 1:15:06
  Speaker 4: You hated it?
• 1:15:08
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't watch it again.
• 1:15:11
  Speaker 4: The only reason I did this episode of your podcast
• 1:15:13
  Speaker 4: was because I wanted people to re-rent it and re-stream it.
• 1:15:17
  Speaker 4: I was plugging that.
• 1:15:19
  Speaker 1: If you'd have done it in Gizmo voice, man, I
• 1:15:21
  Speaker 1: would have really dug it.
• 1:15:22
  Speaker 4: All right, let me get to the punchline, then I
• 1:15:24
  Speaker 4: got to go. All right.
• 1:15:27
  Speaker 10: Alarming if you think about it now. We ended up
• 1:15:30
  Speaker 10: giving it to the whore master. And the whore master,
• 1:15:33
  Speaker 10: a week later, boom, the whore master wasn't a good person.
• 1:15:36
  Speaker 9: He got the dog killed. Got hit by a car.
• 1:15:38
  Speaker 1: All right, stop it right here.
• 1:15:39
  Speaker 4: Stop right here. It just gets funnier and funnier. This
• 1:15:48
  Speaker 4: is your longtime supporter. I don't know why you're laughing, Theo.
• 1:15:50
  Speaker 4: These are your people.
• 1:15:51
  Speaker 1: And these are good people, Howie.
• 1:15:53
  Speaker 4: No, no, no. He's a good person. He's just not
• 1:15:55
  Speaker 4: a great comedian. Or maybe he is. But look at
• 1:15:59
  Speaker 4: the crowd. You know what the thing is? I learned,
• 1:16:01
  Speaker 4: and you did too, how do you come up with
• 1:16:03
  Speaker 4: good comedy? We go to the clubs every night and
• 1:16:05
  Speaker 4: we see how people react. What I would say to
• 1:16:08
  Speaker 4: this person is just go inside. The first step is
• 1:16:12
  Speaker 4: go inside where there's another person. I promise you. You
• 1:16:15
  Speaker 4: will never tell this joke again. Let's continue. There's got
• 1:16:17
  Speaker 4: to be a punchline. He hasn't walked the one guy.
• 1:16:19
  Speaker 4: Look at the one guy. He's still there. Where?
• 1:16:21
  Speaker 1: The painted head.
• 1:16:22
  Speaker 9: But we had this other cat, the black cat. And
• 1:16:26
  Speaker 9: I ended up keeping him. His name is Kraken. He
• 1:16:28
  Speaker 9: lives with me now. He travels with me. No big deal.
• 1:16:31
  Speaker 9: I'm a fucking cat guy. So he ends up living
• 1:16:34
  Speaker 9: with me. So I take him to this vet with
• 1:16:36
  Speaker 9: my ex-girlfriend.
• 1:16:39
  Speaker 10: At first, I'm like, oh, shit. We're just going to
• 1:16:41
  Speaker 10: get his balls snipped and snipped as he did.
• 1:16:43
  Speaker 5: Oh, yeah.
• 1:16:44
  Speaker 9: And we're getting him neutered. So we bring him to
• 1:16:47
  Speaker 9: the vet. First thing I notice, the vet's Asian. I'm like, oh, shit.
• 1:16:51
  Speaker 10: How much money you want him put down that this
• 1:16:53
  Speaker 10: vet is going to get him put down so he
• 1:16:55
  Speaker 10: can have a dinner for his family?
• 1:16:57
  Speaker 4: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Now it's getting edgy.
• 1:17:02
  Speaker 10: But so I'm like, oh, shit, he's probably going to
• 1:17:04
  Speaker 10: put him down for some dinner, right?
• 1:17:06
  Speaker 4: Oh, my God.
• 1:17:07
  Speaker 10: We're in the waiting room, the operation room, as they say.
• 1:17:11
  Speaker 10: And he's stealing my cat's balls. But I notice he's
• 1:17:15
  Speaker 10: holding on to him too long for like five minutes,
• 1:17:18
  Speaker 10: and my cat starts crying.
• 1:17:19
  Speaker 9: I look at my girlfriend, I look at the doctor.
• 1:17:21
  Speaker 9: I'm like, how the fuck doesn't anybody notice this shit?
• 1:17:24
  Speaker 9: So I'm like, hey, buddy. Uh, can't you hear my
• 1:17:27
  Speaker 9: cats crying? Stop molesting them.
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 2: Boom!
• 1:17:29
  Speaker 9: My girlfriend socks me in the face. It was just
• 1:17:32
  Speaker 9: Donna's question. This is Bonjo. This is my stand-up. I
• 1:17:36
  Speaker 9: don't really do this.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 4: No, you don't.
• 1:17:37
  Speaker 9: But I hope you like it.
• 1:17:38
  Speaker 4: Love it. I love you guys.
• 1:17:39
  Speaker 9: I watch you all the time. Howie, you're a legend.
• 1:17:41
  Speaker 9: I remember you from Bobby's World.
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 4: Thank you.
• 1:17:43
  Speaker 3: Boom, boom.
• 1:17:44
  Speaker 4: Let's get it, babies. Gang, gang. Boom, boom, baby. That
• 1:17:48
  Speaker 4: was great. That was great. Because I like that he.
• 1:17:52
  Speaker 4: Thank God he put a little caveat at the end
• 1:17:54
  Speaker 4: saying I don't really do stand-up because you wouldn't know that.
• 1:17:57
  Speaker 4: You would not know that. It's like this guy's been
• 1:17:59
  Speaker 4: doing this for a lifetime. Oh, I think it's amazing.
• 1:18:03
  Speaker 4: He went to a place and set this up and
• 1:18:06
  Speaker 4: did it. You could tell he was nervous, Bonjo, putting
• 1:18:08
  Speaker 4: it out there, trying material. Maybe if I just try
• 1:18:12
  Speaker 4: to string together a bunch of violent shit, kittens, whores,
• 1:18:18
  Speaker 4: and maybe a little bit of racism just at the
• 1:18:20
  Speaker 4: end to throw in.
• 1:18:22
  Speaker 6: Don't forget the catchphrase, big deal, I'm a fucking cat guy.
• 1:18:25
  Speaker 4: Yeah, big deal, I'm a fucking cat guy. I would
• 1:18:29
  Speaker 4: love to be in the offices at America's Got Talent
• 1:18:32
  Speaker 4: when this tape arrives. This is so fun.
• 1:18:36
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 1:18:36
  Speaker 1: Is there an AGT Uncensored that's going to come out
• 1:18:39
  Speaker 1: or something? That's what I'm wondering.
• 1:18:40
  Speaker 4: They tell me phenomenal stories that never make the air,
• 1:18:43
  Speaker 4: that people come in with their ideas and tapes like this.
• 1:18:47
  Speaker 4: That was amazing.
• 1:18:48
  Speaker 1: It was something, man. It was amazing. definitely something, and
• 1:18:50
  Speaker 1: I'm glad that he put it on. I'm glad we
• 1:18:52
  Speaker 1: had a professional here to judge him for it. One
• 1:18:55
  Speaker 1: of my friends that worked at Red Bull for a
• 1:18:56
  Speaker 1: long time told me that they would record the craziest
• 1:18:59
  Speaker 1: calls that came in to their 1-800 number from people
• 1:19:01
  Speaker 1: on Red Bull, and at the Christmas party, they would
• 1:19:03
  Speaker 1: play them for everybody. Oh, I love that.
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 5: I know.
• 1:19:05
  Speaker 1: I always wish I could have gone to that.
• 1:19:07
  Speaker 4: I follow this thing. I think it's on TikTok where
• 1:19:10
  Speaker 4: somebody has animated all the really weird 911 calls.
• 1:19:16
  Speaker 8: Oh, wow.
• 1:19:16
  Speaker 4: Horrible. Just bad 911 calls.
• 1:19:20
  Speaker 1: That's a great idea.
• 1:19:21
  Speaker 4: It's really great.
• 1:19:22
  Speaker 1: And people calling for the stupidest things. How much do
• 1:19:25
  Speaker 1: you love TikTok? I feel like it fits you so well.
• 1:19:28
  Speaker 1: Because I'm good for 15 seconds and out.
• 1:19:32
  Speaker 4: Uh, I did good. You know, I'm doing good on it.
• 1:19:35
  Speaker 4: I love social media. I just love all kinds of
• 1:19:37
  Speaker 4: social media. I just like, uh, you know, a reason
• 1:19:41
  Speaker 4: to get up and dance like an idiot or a
• 1:19:43
  Speaker 4: reason to post a picture or to, I just like
• 1:19:47
  Speaker 4: just being someplace.
• 1:19:50
  Speaker 8: Yeah.
• 1:19:50
  Speaker 4: Not in my own head.
• 1:19:51
  Speaker 1: Amen.
• 1:19:52
  Speaker 4: I just keep doing shit. And that's why I'm doing this.
• 1:19:54
  Speaker 4: And I can't thank you enough for having me, buddy.
• 1:19:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you so much, man. Thank you for helping
• 1:19:58
  Speaker 1: me get a job, too, on your show a while back.
• 1:20:01
  Speaker 4: We've got to work together again. The next step is
• 1:20:03
  Speaker 4: you coming on my podcast.
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 1:20:05
  Speaker 4: And we'll prank prank.
• 1:20:06
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 1:20:07
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Oh, you know what we'll do? We'll get a
• 1:20:09
  Speaker 4: bunch of fucking cats. All right? We'll get some fucking cats.
• 1:20:13
  Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. I'm a fucking cat guy, you know?
• 1:20:15
  Speaker 5: I am.
• 1:20:15
  Speaker 4: And then, oh, it'll be great. We'll take them down
• 1:20:18
  Speaker 4: the street. Hopefully, there'll be, like, a murder in progress.
• 1:20:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:20:21
  Speaker 4: And then when we see that the murder is there,
• 1:20:24
  Speaker 4: we'll get a dog also. Oh, boom, boom. And send
• 1:20:26
  Speaker 4: that over to where the crackheads are. Yeah, I like that, man. Listen,
• 1:20:33
  Speaker 4: I got to come up with my own material.
• 1:20:35
  Speaker 1: Let's don't spend it all here. Yeah, some of that
• 1:20:37
  Speaker 1: might be copywritten. Howie Mandel, congrats on all your lifelong success.
• 1:20:42
  Speaker 1: And thank you for being a great entertainer for so
• 1:20:44
  Speaker 1: many people. And thanks for being my friend. And thanks
• 1:20:46
  Speaker 1: for coming in today.
• 1:20:47
  Speaker 4: Thank you, buddy. Stay healthy.
• 1:20:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah, take care of Ritz too, man.
• 1:20:50
  Speaker 4: I'll try.
• 1:20:53
  Speaker 11: And my mind is somewhere else, but when I find it,
• 1:20:57
  Speaker 11: I'll patch up where it's been blown. Now I'm just
• 1:21:06
  Speaker 11: floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like
• 1:21:09
  Speaker 11: these leaves.
• 1:21:10
  Speaker 2: I must be.
• 1:21:12
  Speaker 11: Cornerstone Oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share
• 1:21:19
  Speaker 11: this peace of mind I found I can feel it
• 1:21:23
  Speaker 11: in my bones But it's gonna take a little time
• 1:21:31
  Speaker 11: For me to set that parking brake And let myself.
• 1:21:36
  Speaker 3: Unwind Shine that light on me.
• 1:21:43
  Speaker 2: I'll sit and tell you my story.
• 1:21:53
  Speaker 11: And I will find a song I will sing it just.
• 1:21:58
  Speaker 3: For you And.
• 1:22:03
  Speaker 11: I've been moving way too fast On the runaway train
• 1:22:08
  Speaker 11: with a heavy.
• 1:22:09
  Speaker 2: Load in my hands
• 1:22:14
  Speaker 11: And these wheels that I've been riding on They're worn
• 1:22:18
  Speaker 11: so thin that they're damn near gone I guess now
• 1:22:20
  Speaker 11: they just