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Florence Ann Romano - Build Your Village · Vox Novus with Victor Fuhrman

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Vox Novus, the New Voice, Vox Novus, the New Dimension, Vox
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Novus thought and movement leaders who will share from their experience and offer tools to
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help us navigate our rapidly changing world. My name is Victor Furman. Welcome
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to vox Novus, the New Voice. Everyone has heard the phrase it takes
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a village, But how exactly do we find our village? Who is in
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it? And what does it look like? My guest this week on vox
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Novus, philanthropist and businesswoman Florence and Romano, answers these questions and more,
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helping you to build lasting relationships with those in your life, dispel and improve
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your overall happiness and health. Florence and Romano is a personal growth strategist and
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author with a sparkling personality. After spending more than fifteen years as a childcare
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provider, Florence Ann, formerly known as the Windy City Nanny, is the
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authority on childcare and family and village support in this new millennium. Her website
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is florenceand dot com, and she joins me this week to share her experience
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and book, Build Your Village, a Guide to finding joy and community in
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every stage of life. Please join me in welcoming to Vox Novis, Florence
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and Romano. Welcome Florence, Ann. Thank you for having me thrilled to
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be here. Florence, and you dedicate your book Build Your Village to your
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nana and mom. Please tell us about your early path, what you learned
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from them, and how it shape your life. I was born into an
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old school Italian family, and my nana and my mother were, like I
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say in the book, we shared the same shadow. And I just looked
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back on my life having been born into that family and that love that my
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nana and my mother gave me, and they taught me all the lessons that
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I actually said this in my nana's eulogy, that my nana was everything,
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that she was everything that couldn't be taught but must be learned. And as
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I started thinking about that more in terms of the support and love that they
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gave me in life, I realized that I, of course was very blessed
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by it, but not everybody was born into something like that, and we
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need to feel encouraged that we can find that in our life. We can
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choose that for ourselves if we're not born into it. And I I'm very
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grateful that I was given the example that I was by my mom and my
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nana and my extended family and cousins and everyone. But I was very observant
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as a child and loved to figure out the rhythms and the idiosyncrasies and the
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dynamics of families and how you treat each other and how you show up for
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each other, and how you live a life and service of others. That's
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my life philosophy. And I believe that they were the first teachers of that
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for me, because that's what they did. They showed up for each other,
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and they cared for one another and the world. And so I really
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wanted to translate that into village building, no matter the stage of life that
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you're in, no matter the age that you are, whether or not you
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have children. I wanted people to feel encouraged that they could find their community
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and their people regardless of what they were born into. Sound like very compassionate
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people. Is compassion something that's taught or is that something you have to be
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born with? You know? I talk about being consciously compassionate and in my
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book, and I believe that just like anything in life, where we are
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a lot of things are modeled for us, and I think I did watch
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my family be actively and consciously compassionate. But even if let's put it this
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way, you can talk about what compassion is, you can talk about what
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empathy is, but if you don't see it, then I don't think you
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have an opportunity to really apply it to your life. And so I do
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think you can be born with a kindness, with that disposition about you,
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with an inate ability to lean into that compassion. But I do believe,
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again, like most things in life, we need to see it modeled for
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us in order for us to truly understand what it means. Many of us
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are familiar with friend Dresser's situation comedy than nanny, But you actually were a
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professionals known as the Windy City Nanny. How did you pursue this calling and
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what did you learn from your experience? We'll tell you, Victor. When
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I was a child, I used to ask my mom to take me to
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the hospital to have my baby, and what I meant by that was to
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take me to the toy store and buy me a baby dollar. So I
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was always very excited about the prospect of taking care of children, even as
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a child myself. And then once I was old enough to be a mother's
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helper and get to kind of be a shadow of a mom in her house
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and see how she ran her household and get to spend time with her kids,
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and really, again, you know, watch that behavior modeled for me.
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I really fell in love with childcare. And so I became a mother's
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helper, to a babysitter, to a nanny, and that the evolution just
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kind of happened that way. And got to work with a lot of different
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families and children, all of which I stay in contact with today. And
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I'll tell you one very sweet quick story about that, the full circle moment
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when you know you had a career in childcare. I retired from being a
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nanny many years ago now and started a business in digital content. But like
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I said, I stayed in touch with all the kids that I nannied for.
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And there was one girl that ended up getting married and I went to
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her wedding and I hadn't seen her in quite a while, and it was
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like a movie scene. She was on one side of the dance floor and
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I was on the other, and our eyes met and we just ran toward
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each other. And we were hugging and I got, you know, had
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tears in my eyes just having not seen her in so long. And she
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pulled back and looked at me, and she had tears in her eyes too,
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and I said, oh my gosh, I said, what's wrong?
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And she said, I have to tell you, you are still the voice
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in my head all these years later. And I just cried. And I
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mean, that is the holy Grail moment that I could have ever wished for.
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You never know what sort of influence you're going to be, and you
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hope, gosh that you leave some sort of mark in some sort of positive
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way. But to hear that from her, that still, all these years
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later, conversations that we've had and tribulations that I was able to, you
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know, stand next to her in and walk with her through that that left
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an indelible mark on her. That will be a moment I'll never forget.
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So I was I was very, very blessed in that chapter and season of
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my life as a nanny. I had the blessing of a couple of wonderful
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teachers in my life who I felt the same about, who implanted many many
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wonderful concepts and thoughts with me that I still carry to this day. That's
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kind of like what you're talking about, but in your sense, it's more
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almost like a mother. Yes, you know, I always was very careful
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to make sure that I never skewed my perception of what my job was.
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You know, I was an extension of the parents' eyes, ears, and
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heart. That's what I always said, is being a nanny an extension of
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their eyes, ears, and heart because I wasn't their parent, And there's
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a fine line that you walk with that. But like I always would tell
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parents when they would feel sometimes that guilt or that competition with the nanny,
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because oftentimes that would happen. You know, they see how much their child
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loves the nanny, and they feel guilty that they're spending time away because they
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have to work or whatever the case may be. And I would say to
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the parents, you want your children to have as much love in their life
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as they possibly can have, as many people as they possibly can love them.
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So if you can look at a nanny or a caretaker or a babysitter
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as just someone else in their life to love them like you would hope an
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aunt or an uncle or a godparent would love your child. Then maybe it
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will take that that competition away from you and just be able to look at
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that person again, is just someone else to love and take care and make
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your child feel safe. And we're going to be talking about build your village
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a little later on. But in Africa, in many places in Africa,
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when a child is born, they bring the child out to the village and
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they raise the child up in the air and they say whose child is this?
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And everyone there says, that's my child. They all take responsibility for
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that child. And that's that's exactly the foundation that this book was written upon
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was the idea that proverb if it takes a village to raise a child.
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And I love that proverb, but I felt that it was too limiting because
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what happens to the people who don't have kids? Does that mean they don't
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deserve to find their people? Does that mean they don't deserve their village?
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And of course they do. And that's why we'll talk about this later.
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Like you said, it's so important that we empower everyone to know that they
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get to create that for themselves. They get to find what their people and
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their village look like. That this idea of village and taking responsibility for each
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other and one another and their children. There's a reason why that worked,
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and there's a reason why today we're still searching for that so longingly, and
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there's a reason why people are waking up and feeling that loneliness because we need
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to get back to those roots, that foundation that this was built upon.
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They did something right that we have moved away from, and we need to
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find a way to get back to that, even if it has to be
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a modern version of it. But obviously I think our world is longing for
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it, absolutely. So getting back to your career, you went from being
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the Windy City nanny to advisor for and the vice president of business strategy for
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Yakata yak Chicago's top content marketing agency, a proud member of the board of
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directors at the Children's Research Fund and Female Strong, and also a founding member
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of Sesame Street's Leadership Council. And what do you do on Tuesdays? You
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mentioned Tuesdays because oftentimes a lot of those meetings are on Tuesdays. Seriously tell
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us about how you're calling one from childcare to business leadership. You know it
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was a very winding path, I would say so you know, I stayed
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in the nanny industry until the wind changes, and that's a quote for Mary
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Poppins. You stay until the wind changes, and the wind changes for a
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lot of different reasons. But I ended up wanting to go into digital content
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because I had a theater degree back in the day, and I was always
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very interested in storytelling. And I had the opportunity to start with my dad
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a digital content company that focused on mission based businesses. So think about companies
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that have a give back factor, and we did that storytelling for these companies
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that had a lot of compassion attached to it and again had this give back
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mentality. And so I ran that for many years and then I decided to
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merge my company with another company in twenty twenty, that's Yakadyac that you had
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just mentioned, and so I've stayed on since then to continue to work in
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that industry. But it married a lot of things that were important to me,
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the storytelling and living a life and service of others and making sure that
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in our world there was mission based ethos, and so I really enjoyed that
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time running my company, which was Kindred Content, and then it became Yakadiac
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and then at the same time that all of that was going on, I
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had written my first book, which was Nanny and Me. It was a
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children's book, and then during COVID, I ended up writing the boo that
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you had just mentioned a few moments ago, build your Village, And I
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had written that based on what I saw happening during COVID to people and people's
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support systems. And so my life has definitely meandered an interesting path. But
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there's certainly a lot of common denominators for all of it, which is it
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all comes back to service. And we mentioned your book Building Your Village,
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A Guide to finding joy and community in every stage of life. Again,
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talking about villages in Africa, there's an expression in different parts, different iterations
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of it's Ubuntu and it basically says, I am because we are. That's
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the essence of what we're talking about, isn't it. I love that?
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And it gives this idea and this illustration of again that idea of village and
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community and what does that mean? And you know everyone has to figure that
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out for themselves. I can give you the ideas and skills and tools and
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tips and tricks to creating a village and finding that for yourself, but you
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have to decide what you want it to look like and what you need.
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And beyond that too, how do you show up for other people in other
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villages? What do you mean to others? Because this is not about just
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give me, gimme, gimme, me, me me. This is a
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circle, This is reciprocal. This is how we take care of each other.
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And so I love that idea of putting the emphasis on the WII and
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giving ourselves the permission to explore what that looks like in a customized way.
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I remember hearing in the sixties a song called no man is an Island,
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and of course today we would add to that, no human is an island,
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no man or woman, no human is an island. But why does
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each of us need a village? I think we've seen since COVID, specifically
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what has happened to the hearts and minds of this world. And COVID stripped
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all of that from us. It stripped our support systems, it stripped our
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villages, It stripped our families away from us, our friends away from us,
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and we saw what that did to our mental health and our emotional health.
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And then once we were able to kind of come back together and connect
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again. What I realized was that not only did people have a hard time
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doing that because they kind of didn't know how to do it again, they
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didn't really want to and they didn't want to put the effort into that anymore.
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And then all of a sudden, all these articles were coming out about
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the friendship recession and the mental health crisis in our country today and the loneliness
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epidemic, and I stopped and said, well, this is the problem right
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here. I mean, we know why this is happening. We don't have
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to search too hard, far and deep to find out why. The whole
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point is, we need other people, We need each other. We do
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need to be able to connect to one another in order for us to nourish
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ourselves mind, body, and soul. And when we don't have that,
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when we don't do that, then we see the consequences of that, and
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it can be extremely damaging, extremely dangerous. So that's why if we just
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look back just a few years to COVID, we can use that as the
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perfect example for the rest of our lives and generations to come to know that
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we are not meant to do life alone. Absolutely in your book, you
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identify several types of villagers. What are some of these and how may we
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determine the type of villager that each of us is? So I talk about
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six archetypes, and I always like to give this disclaimer. If you don't
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have all six, it's okay, because at every season of your life,
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you don't necessarily need all six of these people. But that archetypes that I
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created are accepting, dependable, cheerleader, communicator, organizer, and healer and
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victor. I always run through that very quickly because it's kind of a fun
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game for me because generally most of the time, as I run through those
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those archetypes, people start to cast people in their lives automatically into those roles,
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just based on context clues of what they think those words mean. And
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that's exactly it. I want you to look at your life kind of like
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you're casting a movie or a play. Who are your main characters that are
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showing up? And who are you of these six people in other people's villages?
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How are you showing up for others? And that's the fun of this,
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that's the fun of figuring out what does your kind of personal socio ecosystem
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look like? Right now, and do you have the right people sitting in
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the right seats, or maybe you've cast people into the wrong roles and that's
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why your friendships are at a little wonky right now, and you need to
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take a look at that because maybe that you need a shifting, you need
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to move the pieces around a bit. So there's a lot of different dynamics
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to this, but I feel like it's easier for people when they're trying to
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figure out how to build this village, when they're trying to figure out how
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to find their people, to cast them into roles that are concrete, and
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there are are ways for them to do that evaluation that are visual. You
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know, I think we're visual learners and a lot a lot of the time,
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and this gives you a place to really start and really start to do
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the work within your heart too about what does what do these six archetypes mean
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to me? And if I'm missing anyone. Now is the opportunity to be
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very very intentional about how I'm going to go out and look for what's missing,
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and then also doing that evaluation of yourself, honest to evaluation of yourself
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about what you're doing for other people and how again, you're showing up for
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other people. What you mean to other people? And are there ways that
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I can work on that too, in order to strengthen the type of person
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I am to others. Now you offer a chapter for each of these types
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in your book. Give us a brief description of each of these characters.
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So the accepting is the non judgmental one. This is usually the first person
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you would cast. It's someone you would confide in, you would confess a
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secret to. The dependable person is usually your emergency contact. I always laugh
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because every time I say this, I think of an emergency contact as someone
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you know that it's going to answer their phone victor, and no one answers
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their phone anymore. So I think I am like twenty seven people's emergency contacts
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because I always answer my phone. So like anytime they need to add an
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emergency content to their child's daycare, it's always me. So I can't so
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which is I appreciate? But it's just two funny. So your dependable one
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is usually your emergency contact. Cheerleader. Yes, you get that idea of
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rah Ra, someone that shows up for you and cheers you along, But
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it's also a person who's there for you during moments of transition, when you're
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making big life changes. This person's very important. You're hype person. The
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communicator is someone who is your best interest in mind. They're curious and even
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tempered, capable of seeing other perspectives. That's a very important piece of this.
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The organizer is a person that you can delegate to, someone that gives
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you peace of mind to release that control. And the healer is the person
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that walks next to you through life, whatever the it is in life.
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But also I'm very careful to make sure that you understand that the healer is
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not there to fix you or fix the situation. They're there to walks next
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to you through it and they are your consciously compassionate north star. And in
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each of these characteristics, there's also the listener. M there's also the listener,
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and that's you know what, Victor, thank you for saying that.
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That is really truly the common denominator with all of it is listening. And
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that's something I think is very difficult for people. I know it can be
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difficult for me, who can be an overly verbose and overly articulate person.
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That listening is the most important piece of it, and I heard it said
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once night. I really thought it was so well said that when you're having
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a conversation with someone that is perhaps venting to you, that you can ask
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that person, are you looking for advice or are you looking for me?
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To just listen and allow that person to be honest about what they need from
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you in that moment, because then that also helps you set yourself up for
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success to be what that person needs in that moment, because oftentimes, I
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think we get very nervous about having to always fix something, and when someone's
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venting to us, it stops us then from actually being a compassionate and active
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listener because we're too worried about fixing the situation or the next thing we're going
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to say, or saying something profound, instead of being what that person needs.
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So I'm glad that you said that, Victor, because listening is usually
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the key and the doorway to creating that connection that is needed in that moment,
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no matter what. A few years back, a poem about listening came
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through me. May share that with you, Oh please, It's called the
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Gift of true listening. There often are words that need to be heard without
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cutting in or positioning, your heart will be stirred and compassion conferred. As
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you offer the gift of true listening, you'll create sacred space while bestowing great
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grace with love all around you glistening. It may be any place or a
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soul you embrace as you offer the gift of true listening. So gift someone
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near you by saying I hear you lifting them up with your christening. And
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one day, when you're you, you'll be heard too, receiving the gift
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of true listening. Oh that gave me goosebumps. That is so beautiful.
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And I you know, it's funny. I think. I think about people
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who are good listeners. Their faces are popping up in my mind right now,
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my friends and family, and I always am marveled, I think by
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someone who does that well, who listens well. And I always wonder where
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they learned that, Like you and Victor were just talking about that in the
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beginning. Do you learn compassion or are you born with it? And I
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do think, of course, we are born with certain God given qualities that
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are a skill set perhaps that we are just more inclined to be successful in.
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But listening, Uh, that is a true art and I'm even thinking
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back, just in real time right now about the people that I've learned that
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skill from, and you are even one of those people right now. I
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have to say that I'm learning that from that. It that is how you
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feel safe. I think that that that's one thing I've learned through life is
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that when you find someone that is good at listening, that that comfort and
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that warmness that comes from that moment, uh, teaches you that you're That's
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something you search out and you seek and then hopefully that you're seeking that not
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just because you want to feel you want that person to make you feel that
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way, but you feel inspired to make others feel that way. But you
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have to experience it sometimes in order to know that that's something you want to
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be able to also give to the world. So thank you for sharing that,
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because that even just sparked you know in me what listening means on a
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deeper level. Thank you. It's the compassionate act of truly listening. My
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guest is Florence and Romano. Her book is called Build Your Village, A
25:11
Guide to Finding Joy and Community in every stage of Life. Florence and please
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tell our listeners where it can get your book and find out more about you.
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You can go to florencan dot com. I have the book available.
25:23
There are also a lot of other information about it, a lot of the
25:26
things we've discussed today, and also follow me on social media Florence and Romano.
25:30
I answer every DM that I get. Think of me as your virtual
25:33
village. But the book is available where all books are sold, and we'll
25:37
be back with more after these words. On the Own Times Radio network,
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Ethical Treatment of Animals five on one Front Street in Norfolk, Virginia two three
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five one oh back on Vox Novus. My guest this week is Florence and
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romano Or. Her book is called Build Your Village, A Guide to Finding
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Joy and Community in every stage of life Lawrence. And one of the things
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that can challenge both our village relationships and friendships is attachments. What are the
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attachment styles and how are they formed you Usually people think attachment styles are just
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romantic and you don't think about it in terms of friends, But there absolutely
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are attachment styles with friendships, just like their love languages which with attachment styles.
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So, for example, if you are feeling perhaps anxious about the status
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of a relationship when you're not with that Brent, and you're like, gosh,
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I wonder if this friend still likes me or wants to see me.
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I don't know, I haven't talked to them in a while. Is the
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connection still there? Maybe that's an anxious attachment style perhaps that you have in
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that friendship. And then alternatively, what if you feel maybe overwhelmed by the
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closeness of the friendship and spending too much time with your friends feels like you
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kind of want to run away or be alone or isolate. Maybe perhaps you
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have an avoidant attachment style, and it's important to be able to discern this.
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And of course there's more, you know, there can be more attachment
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styles, but those are the two that I'm going to focus on here as
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we As we talk about it, it leads you to wonder, how am
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I affecting these friendships or affecting these relationships in my life, and what is
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that ripple effect? What does the ripple effect for them and for me?
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And again, knowing thyself is always the first most important thing usually in life
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in order to kind of crack the code of things or have healthy relationships,
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and knowing who you are and knowing what you need and how to ask for
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it. That communication is very important in setting up relationships for success, whether
28:48
platonic or romantic. Let's talk a little bit more about the characteristics of each
28:55
of the attachment styles. Let's talk about anxious. What makes an anxious person.
29:00
I'm sure people out there are probably like I would like to answer this
29:03
question in full detail about what makes what makes me feel anxious? But you
29:10
know, it comes down to understanding again, the getting yourself to a place
29:21
where you could kind of feel at peace and you feel like you're not constantly
29:27
searching for something or someone to make you feel better or to create this temperament
29:38
or this feeling of assurance. I think when people are feeling anxious about their
29:48
relationships, they're constantly going down this rabbit hole of doubt, and it's leading
29:55
them to wonder what am I doing wrong? Because generally that's where the anxiety
30:00
comes in, is you're looking at yourself under a microscope that no one else
30:04
usually is, and that then leads you to get very insular in terms of
30:14
your almost I hate to use it this word, but paranoid that you're making
30:23
all these mistakes, that you're doing all these things wrong. And then that
30:30
leads you again down this path of questioning everything you're thinking, doing and saying,
30:38
and then that creates you stepping into a role that is usually inauthentic because
30:48
you think, here, I am needing to change all these things about myself
30:52
in order to fit in or in order to make this person feel good,
30:56
on order to get the affection or attention or approval of that person. So
31:03
anxiety, I think here, if you have this anxious attachment style to constantly
31:08
be questioning what you're doing, then that's going to lead you again down this
31:15
path of perhaps not showing up as your true self. I know several people
31:21
who are, I think in the anxious category. We're constantly apologizing for things,
31:26
whether they're responsible for them or not. Is that part of that personality?
31:30
Yes, I absolutely think that we're always you know, it's so funny.
31:36
I'm from the Midwest. I'm from Chicago, and I was watching this
31:41
person the other day talk about some things that are just innately Midwestern, and
31:45
it talked about how we always apologize. We constantly apologize for asking for help
31:51
or a favor anything. We'll say, hey, I need help moving on
31:53
Saturday. But it's totally fine if you can't do it. I understand if
31:57
you're busy. We always have to given out. So we are always apologizing
32:01
when we ask for help. And I'm so glad you asked that question,
32:06
Victor, because this leads to a larger question as well about asking for help.
32:13
Number one thing people are afraid of in this world is public speaking,
32:17
they say, but I think neck andnect with that is asking for help.
32:22
That people do not want to do it. It is so difficult for them.
32:27
It makes them anxious, It makes them nervous about making connections or friendships
32:31
with people, because they don't want to seem too needy, They don't want
32:36
to depend on other people. They want to think they haven't figured out all
32:38
themselves. So I think this idea of asking for help and thank you again
32:43
for touching on that has a lot to do with these attachment styles, and
32:50
that shows up in both the in the anxious and both the avoidance. I
32:57
would say, and tell us more about the characters of the avoidant. I
33:04
know people have a hard time believing that you would be avoiding connection with your
33:08
friends. It seems counterintuitive. Why would you do that? Why do you
33:13
even have these friends then, if you're going to avoid connection with them,
33:17
But a downside to being anxiously attached is unintentionally pushing your friends away if you're
33:27
finding that reassurance that you need, and then that also I think again there's
33:35
overlap between the anxious and the avoidant. But when you start to lean in
33:40
more to this independence, that you have the self sufficiency that you have in
33:46
your life and you can care for yourself and you don't need people, or
33:51
you think you don't need people, that then you start to overwhelm your friends
33:58
sometimes with being too demanding, and by being too demanding, what I mean
34:07
by that is you're starting to put up boundaries with those friends. When you're
34:14
avoiding maybe perhaps connecting on a deeper level. You're putting up boundaries that are
34:20
then thwarting them, that are then making them think that they're doing something wrong
34:25
that's turning you off, or they're doing something in the wrong way, or
34:30
they themselves are wrong in general for wanting to connect on a certain level with
34:35
you. So when you are avoiding a certain level of connection with someone,
34:40
you have to be and I believe it is part of the obligation we have
34:46
to each other as human beings. You have to be clear about why it
34:51
is that you have that boundary or why it is that you are acting that
34:54
way. You do not have to say these things in a mean way,
34:58
though you can say with your mean and not say it mean. You can
35:01
talk about what you need and what your boundaries are and how you want to
35:07
create the parameters of that friendship. But it is up to us to be
35:12
able to find those words in that language in order to set again those relationships
35:16
up for success. So we determine which our personal attachment style is. How
35:22
may we improve our friendships by knowing our attachment style. It creates confidence in
35:29
your personal relationships. When you know you find yourself securely attached to a friendship,
35:35
it means you're going to be able to enjoy the friendship in both its
35:38
presence and in its absence, And in a secure attachment style, you're going
35:44
to be able to feel close and connected to your friendships while also having that
35:47
independence and understanding that you could feel confident in those relationships, remaining close even
35:54
if there's distance, even if there's conflict, even if you choose to spend
35:59
time on your own, and some of those relationships I think I'm sure victory.
36:04
You have these people in your life you can go a long time without
36:07
speaking to, but as soon as you do again or see them again,
36:09
you pick up right where you left off. And there's a deep security in
36:15
that. And having friendships like that and not constantly having to overanalyze the frequency
36:21
or the quantity of that connection, just knowing that something just kind of hums.
36:25
With that confidence and with that security that there's a blessing in that.
36:31
Of course, building a village includes building these meaningful friendships, but some find
36:37
this difficulty. You use the term for a friendship recession. Is that something
36:42
that we're facing right now, especially since the COVID forced isolation. Absolutely,
36:46
and I'm not seeing it really change, Victor. That's part of the problem
36:51
too, is and I had mentioned this earlier in this show, that once
36:53
people were able to connect again, not only did they not know how to
36:58
do it, Like newborn babies, you're kind of kicking and screaming and crying
37:01
about something. I don't want to do it. I don't know, this
37:04
doesn't feel good. It became more about not wanting to The yoga pants and
37:09
Netflix were a lot more appealing and desirable than actually making the effort anymore in
37:15
your relationships to go and actually see people to have conversations. We got used
37:22
to that hibernation and being able to kind of close ourselves off, and now
37:30
people are still having a difficult time understanding how to connect, and that's what
37:35
I think is leading to this recession in our friendships. But then also another
37:38
prom to that is our friendships and our lives change based on the season of
37:45
our lives, and sometimes it's easier than others to make those connections and make
37:50
those friendships. Others other times you're going to have to work a little bit
37:53
harder to do that. And also things that happen in our lives lead to
38:00
sometimes the disintegration or the ending of friendships. Think about death or divorce,
38:07
or moving to an entirely new city and not knowing a soul. This changes
38:12
our support systems, and this leads to oftentimes a friendship recession. Getting back
38:19
to this question of attachment styles in the friendship recession, how much does social
38:23
media play in this? What role does it play in this? How much
38:28
time do you have victor to talk about social media. I mean, there
38:31
are so many benefits, of course to it. We have a virtual world,
38:36
and just like anything, everything in moderation is probably a good thing,
38:39
and social media falls into that category. We saw social media and the virtual
38:45
world play a large part into how we navigated COVID. You and I today
38:50
are talking via zoom. I mean, thank god we have that option to
38:52
be able to do that to connect. But once we were able to be
38:58
in person with one another again, people were not taking the opportunity to do
39:02
that. They much rather still be behind the computer. They much rather still
39:07
be connecting in that virtual way. They don't want to put the effort into
39:12
actually being in person. And I think social media has also given us an
39:17
opportunity to connect with people all around the world, you know, globally,
39:22
and create a support system that is unlike any other and also can and span
39:30
a lot of different cultures, and it can be a lot of different educational
39:35
opportunities for us. But also social media can be a dangerous, dangerous place
39:39
for people where hatred and cruelty and bullying can be bred. So it's a
39:46
delicate line that you straddle when it comes to how do you use social media
39:52
for connection? I know personally that I've had to end friendships that were one
39:58
sided and potentially toxic. How do you recommend recognizing and eliminating toxic friendships and
40:05
relationships? Think about the people in your life that sometimes that name comes up
40:09
on your phone and you just kind of roll your eyes right away and you're
40:13
like, oh, no, I don't want to answer this phone call,
40:15
or you get that text from that person and you're already depleted, You're already
40:20
exhausted, and you haven't even had a conversation with this person yet. Well,
40:23
that's usually a sign, usually a red flag that something's off there in
40:28
that relationship and clearly you're feeling exhausted by that person, You're feeling burdened by
40:35
that person, and there isn't a whole lot of joy that you're swimming in
40:43
in that relationship. And maybe that has been bred because of resentment or it
40:47
has been so one sided where it's that person just gimme, gimme, gimmey
40:52
and just needs from you and takes and takes and takes. And in a
40:57
situation like that, it is appropriate and I encourage you to end a friendship
41:02
like that. A person like that is not necessarily going to change. That's
41:07
probably their personality. But the caveat I will add to that is if it
41:15
is a relationship that you want to try to figure out, because maybe it's
41:20
a family member and this person has to be in your life in some way,
41:25
but you have to create some boundaries, or you have to create some
41:30
clarification or communication, then allow yourself the opportunity to approach that person and have
41:36
an honest conversation. I heard it said once recently that boundaries are not you
41:40
trying to get rid of a relationship. Boundaries are you actually fighting for it.
41:45
And so that's why in friendships and we have friendships within our own family
41:51
members. You have to feel encouraged that you can stand up for yourself and
41:57
find a way to make maybe that relationship work. But it's only going to
42:01
happen through communications. So evaluate first of all, what the end goal is
42:07
for yourself in that friendship, and then and then go from there. And
42:12
at the end of the day, it's still going to be that you want
42:14
to cut ties. That's fine, that's great, But I think you have
42:19
to decide what the goal is for yourself. If we choose to cut ties,
42:22
do we have to give an explanation for doing so? It depends on
42:27
again, on that person. I've had relationships and friendships end with people where
42:31
it just kind of fizzled away. And an example of that would be,
42:36
you know, a person that constantly was was kind of badgering me and needed
42:39
me and you know, calling all the time, texting all the time and
42:44
trying to take and you know, need it again so much attention. I
42:47
would stop answering the phone as much, or not answering all the text messages,
42:52
and that signal was given to that person that you know, something's changing
42:55
here. But what was interesting to me was that person never asked me if
43:00
anything was wrong or why I wasn't answering or you know what you know I
43:07
want I hope I'm not you know, offending you in some way, or
43:09
they weren't curious about why my behavior might have been changing. When they weren't
43:15
getting what they wanted from me, they just kind of started to disappear and
43:20
move on to maybe the next person that was going to give them that attention.
43:23
So in that example, that was the explanation for me was that person
43:30
showed me who they were by how they were not interacting with me in that
43:36
moment, and so it just kind of fizzled away. But I've also had
43:38
relationships and friendships where I have had an honest conversation and both of us maybe
43:45
agreed to disagree on what was going on in the friendship, but then just
43:50
parted ways and it was kind of a clean ending in that respect. Of
43:54
course, you don't owe anyone an explanation necessarily, but what are but what
44:00
are you going to feel good about when you go to sleep at night and
44:02
close your eyes how you behaved? How are you going to be able to
44:07
sleep well that night knowing how you made your choices and how you ended things
44:13
or how you showed up for yourself. I think that's the most important piece
44:17
is what is going to give you the piece in the situation. No pun
44:22
intended. My guest is Florence and Romano Hoo. Book is called Build Your
44:25
Village. We'll be back with more after these words on the Own Times Radio
44:30
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the AD Council. Welcome mile in ma Sees back on Box Novus. My
46:55
guest this week is Florence and Romana were talking about her book Build Your Village,
47:01
Lawrence Anne, I spent a good portion of my life as a people
47:06
pleaser, wired by an experience I had growing up in which I equated pleasing
47:10
others as the only way of being loved. I actually learned the power of
47:15
saying no in my early fifties, and it changed my life. How do
47:21
you suggest that others experiencing this overcome people pleasing? You're talking to a recovering
47:27
people pleaser herself, I always say, and I think I probably will be
47:30
for the rest of my life. We touched on this a bit earlier too,
47:35
about showing up as your most authentic self. What I've realized is when
47:39
you are trying to please other people, or you want to fit into a
47:45
certain community or friend group, or whatever the case may be, that you
47:50
start changing who you are to align with them, and then you start attracting
47:54
the wrong type of people. You may all of a sudden have fifteen new
47:59
friends and that's great, but you still are waking up feeling depleted, you're
48:04
not feeling joyful, you're feeling maybe anxious all the time. Well, that's
48:07
because you're not following your values and aligning yourself with people who actually complement those
48:14
things. And I'm not talking about just being with friends and or making friends
48:20
with people that think the same way you do, act the same way you
48:22
do, believe the same things you do. But an alignment of values is
48:28
very important. And when you start changing who you are for other people again,
48:34
you're not attracting the right type of friendship circles then, and then that
48:38
leads to you feeling completely unseen, misunderstood, and perhaps even betrayed in the
48:46
process. So people pleasing can be very dangerous for your health when it comes
48:52
to correctly casting these people in your village absolutely And getting back to village building,
49:01
what advice would you offer parents who are overwhelmed between raising their children and
49:07
going to work, and how may building a village support them in this process?
49:13
Going back to that asking for help idea, and I know it's so
49:16
difficult for people to do that, to ask for help. Whenever I go
49:21
to a baby shower, we have to fill out all these you know that
49:22
make you play all these games and do all these things, but they make
49:25
you fill these questions out. And sometimes it's advice for the new mom.
49:30
And the advice I always give every mom is ask for help and never turn
49:35
it down when someone offers to help you too. And I think understanding also
49:42
that social media, going back to that for just a second, social media
49:45
gives us this impression that everything has to be perfect. We have to be
49:51
perfect, we have to be the perfect friends, the perfect partners, spouses,
49:57
just human beings in general, and that everybody body else is doing it
50:00
right and we're not. That's what social media gives us, that impression.
50:04
And I think that people today often have a hard time asking for help,
50:08
especially parents, because they don't want other people to think that they can't do
50:13
it and that they're not doing it as well as other people are, and
50:16
also having an outstanding debt to someone. If I ask you for help,
50:22
then there's this debt that I'm going to owe you, and I don't know
50:23
when I'm going to be able to repay that, And it's this tip for
50:27
tach keeping score. And I think that's why parents, in their overwhelm trying
50:34
to make it all happen, have a very hard time reaching out and allowing
50:37
people to see what they need or how they need it, or how they
50:42
need people to show up for them, because they're worried that they are not
50:45
going to be able to repay it, and that becomes a debilitating reason why
50:51
they don't ask for help, and then why they drown. And that overwhelm.
50:55
Many find themselves having to move away from the community in which they have
51:00
built their villages. What can they do when that wonderful village is lost?
51:06
And the village has lost for lots of reasons. And we just talked about
51:08
that too, whether it's divorce or a move. And I'll tell you one
51:13
of my best girlfriends moved to Houston a few years ago, and she literally
51:16
was starting from scratch. She left an enormous family, an enormous friendship circle
51:22
and had to pick up and move. And I had so many conversations where
51:25
she said, I just don't think I can do this. I am so
51:30
lonely, and she was not a wallflower, not a wallflower at all.
51:32
She loves people, loves to socialize, and had such a hard time figuring
51:37
out how to get out there and meet people. And I always say that
51:44
philanthropy is the first and best way for people who are looking to build a
51:49
village to find connection. Think of what makes your heart beat, what makes
51:52
your heart flutter, Throw it in Google and see if you can find something
51:57
in your community that you could give back to in some way. Because what's
52:00
going to happen, hopefully then, is you're going to be giving back in
52:04
a way that satiates your soul. But you're also going to be connected to
52:07
people that have a commonality with you now, and that's hopefully going to breed
52:14
relationships because it's a it's also a non and not a very intimidating way to
52:21
also start to make social ties because you're all showing up for the same reasons.
52:25
And so philanthropy is my first and always will be my first and most
52:30
powerful example of how to start building your village. That's wonderful, Thank you.
52:36
How may all of us become compassionate villagers in a world so desperate for
52:42
compassion? I think it goes back to this idea of the healer. Uh
52:49
and and I and I don't just like a favorite child. I don't have
52:52
a favorite archetype of these six villagers. But in being consciously compassionate, it's
52:59
it's deeper than just having sympathy for someone. You know, we talk about
53:02
empathy. That word is thrown around quite a bit in our world today.
53:07
And someone said the other day, in order to actually have empathy, what
53:13
do I do? And the person's answer was, yes, you have to
53:16
put yourself in someone else's shoes. But you have to consider the background that
53:22
person has, the experiences or trauma that that person is coming from, and
53:28
why that would make them behave the way they do or show up in the
53:31
world the way that they do. And then that's what hopefully leads you to
53:36
have a lot of compassion, conscious compassion and also then hopefully leads to grace
53:42
for people, a lot of grace for why people perhaps struggle in the ways
53:47
that they do or don't talk or behave in the way that maybe you do.
53:52
And also understanding that not every person in this world is going to be
53:57
your best friend, not every person in this world is to be a core
54:00
member of your village. But it's up to us to be able to show
54:04
up in this world as kind and compassionate people. And it's often the biggest
54:09
test in the world when someone is unkind to you, or someone is a
54:15
hurtful person, for you to be able to then show them kindness. And
54:20
that's usually the test of being consciously compassionate. It's not about how we show
54:24
up on our best days. It's usually how we show up on our worst
54:29
and how we treat people. And I think that's when we learn the most
54:31
about conscious compassion. What would you like readers to take away from Build your
54:37
village. No matter what you're born into, no matter the village that you
54:44
were born into that God gave you, you have the right in your life
54:50
no matter what, to go and find what you're looking for, find the
54:54
people that you're looking for. You deserve it. And if anyone tells you
54:59
others wise, I hope you remember that today, out of everything I've said,
55:01
that you absolutely deserve to find your people, to be seen, heard
55:07
and understood, and to be loved, and to be able to accept that
55:12
into your life no matter the challenges, no matter the season, that you
55:16
can always come back to this place of building your village, no matter what
55:22
happens in your life, that you will be able to constantly work on that
55:28
and be able to know that. Out of so much that you can't control
55:30
in your life, this is something you can and should control, the wisdom
55:36
and experience of Florence and Romano. Her book is entitled Build your Village,
55:42
a Guide to finding Joy and Community in every stage of life. Florence on
55:46
one more time. Please share with our listeners where they can get your book
55:50
and find out more about you. You can find a book where all books
55:52
are sold, or go directly to my website florenceand dot com and also on
55:57
social media florencean Romano. I talk about all the things and much more,
56:00
and thank you Victor for having me. This was so joyful and so nourishing.
56:05
Lawrence, and thank you so much for sharing us and sharing your experience
56:07
and your wisdom. Thank you so much, thank you, and thank you
56:12
for joining us on Vox Novus. I'm Victor, la voice furman of a wonderful week