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Green Flags in Relationships - what makes a healthy relationship? · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Where you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about green flags in relationships.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because I feel like there's a lot of talk about red flags in relationships or in dating, in the dating realm, and I think many of us are pretty well up to speed on the big red flags, even though we can get tripped up by those early stages of lust and love in a new relationship, and we can minimize or ignore those warning signs.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I think most of us are pretty well up with the big red flags.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: But I wanted to talk about how to recognize a good and healthy relationship.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're in a relationship that doesn't feel like you hoped, you're asking all the big questions, you're navigating your way out of a relationship, or you're moving through those waves of complexity that is separation or divorce, maybe you're healing from a breakup or moving out of a toxic relationship.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing what you in it for any of those, if you're in any of those situations, knowing what you do want is really important.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: And in my work as a coach, I talk about defining the container.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So defining the container of your relationship by outlining what it is and what it is not.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And by defining that container, you invite another person, be it your current partner or a future partner, to step into that space that you've created that you've defined.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: So knowing what you do want is just as important as knowing what you don't want.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing how to recognize and then go on to co-create a healthy, healed relationship is pretty damn important.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I'm talking about when I'm talking about green flags.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Green flags are your indicators that a relationship is worth pursuing, that a relationship is worth redefining, re-energizing.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are some green flags that indicate that your current relationship, either a new budding relationship or an established one, is a keeper.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: First green flag is that your relationship is a safe space.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a safe space to be, to show, and to share all of yourself.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your ideas, your thoughts, your opinions, your hopes, your dreams.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's all welcomed, it's all okay, and it's all safe to share.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's a safe space to show up as the whole version of you, all of you is safe and welcome.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Another green flag is around ownership and accountability and personal responsibility.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship is one where you both take ownership of and responsibility for what's yours.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're accountable to one another, you're accountable to yourselves, you're accountable to one another, you're reliable, you can be relied on, and you're responsible.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: You take personal responsibility for whatever is yours, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't shift your blame, shift the blame or externalize or finger point.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: You take responsibility for your own stuff, your own actions, your own words, your healing, and your growth.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Integrity.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Integrity is a major, major green flag, a big one, maybe the biggest, the number one green flag to look out for in your partner, current, future, whatever, in your partner.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: If your partner has integrity, if they honor their word, they show up when they say they will, they do what they say they'll do, and they have a strong, decent moral compass, that's integrity.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And integrity doesn't mean that they're just a good and decent human, although that's important, obviously.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: It means having integrity means that they actually care about being that good and decent human.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And in turn, that means that you can have faith, you can trust that they will show up for the relationship, they will do the right moral, decent thing for you and for the relationship.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Next green flag, openness and honesty.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: In a healthy relationship, you're both willing to share with each other openly and honestly, and that and truthfulness between you is never in doubt.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: You show up with openness, you show up with honesty, and of course that ties into integrity, but you honestly share.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to be brutal about it, you can still sprinkle in kindness and compassion and grace, but you're honest with one another.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your actions and your words align.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: You both honor your word, you do what you say you'll do, and you behave in alignment with your words.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, this is part of integrity, but it's a little it's a you know, it's nuanced, okay?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: So what your partner says matches what they do.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a component of integrity, yes.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: But their words line up with their actions, and their actions back up their words.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Big green flag.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Another one is about feelings, and your feelings matter in a healthy relationship.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings matter just as much as your partner's feelings.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings are equally important, equally valid, and your partner actually takes an interest in your feelings.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: They care about how you feel.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to them how they feel.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: So your feelings matter.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if your feelings matter to your partner, green flag.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's balanced giving and getting.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: There is balance.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: No one over-gives in a healthy green flag relationship.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: No one over-functions in a healthy green flag relationship, and therefore no one underfunctions.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So there's balance in that giving and receiving.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: There is healthy, constructive conflict.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not talking here about a total absence of conflict, which is actually unhealthy and unrealistic.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about healthy, constructive ways of moving through and navigating conflict.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's a shared commitment to, or at least a shared commitment to developing healthy ways of disagreeing, arguing, moving through, and resolving conflict.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: You get to the end.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And afterwards, after conflict, there's repair, repair from rupture.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: You come back together to repair after an argument or after conflict, but you move through in healthy, healthy, supportive, loving, tender ways.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Another green flag, you are open to having hard conversations.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Note I say open.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying it's comfortable, I'm not saying it's easy, but you're open to having difficult conversations and you're comfortable discussing your feelings with one another.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Comfortable bringing up probably not comfortable, you're open to discussing feelings because it's not always comfortable.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're open just to discussing the past.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: The past is not um avoided.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's a it's an okay topic to raise, as is the present and the future, including the future of your relationship.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can communicate on big issues and the and the big hard topics, and you're able to give and receive constructive feedback.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Feedback, not criticism.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: We're not talking criticism, we're talking about being open to receiving information and feedback that can support and nurture and help the relationship develop further without tipping into defensiveness or externalizing the blame, without retreating or blocking or stonewalling.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: No topic is off limits, and you're open, you're open to communication, you're open with you lead with curiosity.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you can communicate on a range of topics, pretty much nothing's off limits, but it's it's done with kindness and curiosity.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's also a balanced need for holding control and openness to flexibility.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So no one holds the balance of power here in terms of control all the time.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's balance there.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um there's an equal sharing of decision making, things are jointly discussed and decided.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Neither one of you is the leader or the follower all the time.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Those roles are fluid and switched, there's balance, and it's a joint operation with joint control and equal power.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: You share your plans, you share making plans, and when you make individual plans, they're also shared.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's it goes back to being open.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: So there's openness, but there's balance there.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Green flag boundaries, healthy boundaries that are held and respected.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: For example, you're each able to say no to things that don't align or feel right to you.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to say no, it's okay not to be joined at the hip all the time.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: You have boundaries around your time, your energy, your money, your body, your things, your stuff, and they are honored and respected by your partner.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have a boundary that ends up bumped up against or transgressed, there's a conversation, an apology, a rectification, and a making amends.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to talk about apology in a little while, but you both have healthy boundaries and each respect the boundaries of the other.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Another healthy relationship green flag is that you encourage each other, you enable and allow each other to have a life outside of the relationship.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, you have this shared life and you encourage each other to hold that sacrosanct and have have that as the primary, the most important relationship in your lives, but you also maintain separateness, you maintain your own lives, you have interests and connections, friends and relationships outside of your intimate partner relationship.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: That is normal, that is healthy.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're able to both have your own life outside the relationship while still honoring, respecting, and holding sacred that intimate partnership between you, that is a major green flag.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's a strong indicator of a healthy relationship where you're not 100% solely reliant and exclusively dependent on each other for everything.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: And also, you don't worry about where they are, or they don't worry about or hassle you to know where you are when you're not together.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: There's healthy respect for each other and trust in each other.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: No one goes silent or absent and you're comfortable sharing your plans, as mentioned earlier.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're sharing your plans, you're sharing where you are and who you're with when you're not together.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: So while you have this secure home base that is each other, that is your intimate partner relationship, you both have outside interests and outside connections.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Going on from that is that you are included in their world and vice versa.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not exclusively the two of you and then each of you doing your own thing.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're included in their world because being involved in their life, being included with your partner's people, with their connections, with their significant people, helps you to feel important and valued and connected to each other.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: By including you in their life and you doing likewise, you're demonstrating how important you are to each other, you're letting each other know the significance of this relationship in your life, and you're showing that to other people as well.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're saying, This is my significant person, I want them to know you, I want you to know them.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you're included in their world, you're not excluded from their outside, the world outside the relationship.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship includes apologies and good, strong apologies.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so if this is something that one of you or both of you are not good at, it's something that you can practice and become better at.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It is important to be able to apologize and then make good.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's important to be able to admit when you're wrong or when you've made a mistake, when you've bumped up against or stepped over your partner's boundary.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and that is when you need to apologize.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: And as I spoke about earlier, making sure that your words align with your actions, you apologize and then make it right.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: You apologize and then follow up to make good.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship is one where you are able to apologize and to repair, to make good.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Where you can each admit if you're wrong or you've wronged the other person or you've made a mistake.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's really, really important.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Another green flag is kindness and respect that the person you're in a relationship with is kind and respectful to you goes without saying, but also that they're kind and respectful to others.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Are they?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Are they understanding and patient and kind and respectful as they go about their daily business?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are they kind and respectful to other people?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do they show a genuine concern and care?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Are they genuinely interested and kind to other people?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Are they kind and respectful, especially to anyone who can't give them anything in return?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is their kindness and respect given without expectation of receiving something in return, without expectation of getting or gaining something?
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Are they just genuinely kind, courteous, respectful?
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Green flag.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Another part to that is how do they talk about their ex?
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is or exes.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: This is really interesting if you are repartnering after a separation or divorce with someone who has also gone through a separation or divorce.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Do they speak kindly, courteously, respectfully about their ex?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do they mention their ex without bitterness, anger, or blame?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: Can they calmly, respectfully speak about their ex, about their past relationship?
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Can they accept and own their part in the breakdown of the relationship?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Own what they learned from that past experience and relationships.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: If they can, massive green flag shows you they've done their work, they've moved through some of that pain, bitterness, grief, anger, whatever it is that comes up when you when you separate.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: They've got insight and the emotional intelligence that that enables them to heal and move through that, and they they bring that to your relationship.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: So green flag.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Another green flag is growth.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you both able to grow in this relationship?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: Are you encouraged by one another to grow, to try and to change, to to stretch, to dream?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: Are you encouraged and able to grow in this relationship?
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: A green flag relationship is one that feels nourishing of both of you.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like you are both expanding your lives as individuals as well as part of a couple.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship expands, uplifts, and stretches you, makes you bigger and better rather than contracts or restricts you.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I think my biggest green flag, and if you've been around Reflect Coaching and the podcast for a while, you probably already know this.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: My biggest green flag in a relationship is how it makes you feel.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: How does this relationship make you feel?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: When you go quiet, when you turn inward, when you listen, when you listen to your inner knowing, when you lean in and when you ask yourself truthfully, openly, honestly, how do I feel in this relationship?
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: Does it uplift you?
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: Does it bring you joy?
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel able to be fully you in this relationship?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Are you accepted, honored, uh, held, cherished?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel cared for, intended in this relationship, nurtured, honored, as I said, honored, cherished?
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel special?
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel do you feel loved?
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: In a healthy relationship, you feel all of these.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: In a healthy relationship, in a green flag relationship, you feel seen, you feel heard, you feel understood, you feel valued, you feel prioritized, and you feel deeply, deeply safe, and you know that this that you are worthy of this.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want to know if it's a green flag relationship, go quiet, go inward.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing that you've already done your work, you've done your healing, you can trust your inner knowing, your instinct.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: How does this relationship make you feel?
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: How do you feel in this relationship?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: Let that be your guide, let that be your green flag.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Trust yourself.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be hard if you have not had healthy relationships in the past.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: If your family of origin relationships weren't particularly healthy, if your past intimate partner relationships weren't particularly healthy, you can get so used to red flag behavior that you accept it as normal.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then when you're presented with green flags, you can dismiss them.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: So to be able to authentically see and feel somebody's goodwill towards you, to be ready to meet a partner, be that your current partner or somebody new, when they show up waving their green flags at you, you have to be open to the possibility.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: And to be open to the possibility, to be ready and willing and open to having your emotional needs met with a good person who is waving those green flags, a good person who is prepared to show up for you and for the relationship, you need to have done that healing work.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: You need to go deep to be able to do that, to be able to recognize, turn towards and meet someone waving green flags at you without dismissing them.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: You need to have done the emotional work, the healing, the inner work to clear, to be clear of previous past relationships or past patterns, old patterns of being in relationship, to have forgiven yourself, to have learned what you need to learn, heal what you need to heal.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Possibly to have forgiven yourself and done the work and healed your own part in this current or past relationships not being as healthy or as green flaggy as they could be.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: So to go inwards and do that inner work so you can bring all of this, all of this to a healthy, healed version of being in a relationship.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, if you're ready to explore that with deep support, I you know I would love to work with you.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: So feel free, DM me for options or book your free intro reset call via the link in the show notes, and we can talk about next best steps for you.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy to do this work, and it's really not easy to do it by yourself.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want support, reach out, and if I'm not the right support for you, I can direct you where I think you might need to land.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: Also, make sure you're on my mailing list if you're interested in working with me.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: I've got a new offering landing fingers crossed later this month.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's an online self-paced course with access to me and it's coming, it's brewing.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I say fingers crossed later this month, it's quite big and juicy of me.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's no piece of fluff, so um I'm still working on it.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: But if you want first dibs on that, please make sure you're on my mailing list because I'm going to release it first to my VIP list, and it will be a super seriously never to be repeated deal, price-wise and content-wise, when I release it to VIP list.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: So jump on the mailing list if you're not already.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a link in the show notes.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, too, that this list of green flags is not finite.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: There are a whole lot more that we could add.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: I probably could have talked on and on and on for hours, um, but these are some of the top ones that I see coming up that are really supportive of creating, co-creating healthy relationships.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if there's any I've missed, and until next time, thank you so much for sharing time and space with me.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Stanley Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Respect, Reclaim and Liberation.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.